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About Dian

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    May 27


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  1. Every day seems so pointless without him. I feel like I will never be happy again. I go to work ,mow the lawn , clean the house but none of it matters. I have no desire to do anything , I am just existing. I can't imagine feeling like this for the rest of my life. I'm trying to wrap my head around that this is my existence from now on. I have people who care for me but it's not the same. I feel lost and empty and nothing matters anymore. I wish it was me who died, not him. When he died he took me with him, I am just a shell. Just feeling sorry for my self I guess. I cant express this to anyone or I get the lectures . I told one friend when I think of him passing I feel so sick, her reply was then just don't think of him! Don't we all wish it was that easy. People just don't get it. I wish i could be positive but i just don't have the energy. Thank you all for being there for me , you are the only people who understand and do not judge me.
  2. I can't get the image or sounds of my husband taking his last breath while having a massive heart attack. I can picture it all over and over again . I tried to revive him as well while waiting on the ambulance. I was told by a grief counselor if I was thinking about it to think of it in black and white. Sounds a little crazy to me but we are all so desperate for some type of relief I thought I would mention it. Most of the time I just shake my head trying to get it out. As much as I hate reliving that horrible image I am grateful because I was able to be with him while he left this world and he was not alone . I loved him so much.
  3. AC, I heave read your entire thread tonight. It gives me hope that maybe at some point I can feel happiness again. Not necessarily because I have met someone but just to be able to feel happy again would be enough for me. Thank you.
  4. Marsha, I am sorry for your loss, I also lost my husband seven weeks ago to a sudden heart attack at the age of 50. You just have to take it minute by minute . This is by far the hardest thing I have ever gone through. The people here are wonderful and have given me some great advice as well as just getting what you are going through. I am also suffering with anxiety. There is a light at the end of the tunnel so people have said , we just need to keep moving forward so we can find it. My heart goes out to you as the first few weeks are unbearable. Just know you have found the right place for support. Hugs to you. Diane
  5. Wow, I love what you wrote, beautiful words. I hope to feel that way some day.
  6. Fillip, I am so sorry for your loss, my heart goes out to you. I lost my husband only five weeks ago and know the devastation you are feeling. This forum has been a light in the darkness for me as there are so many caring people always willing to give you words of encouragement /advice and letting you know you are not alone on this horrible journey. I wish you peace and comfort. Hugs to you.
  7. I miss him so much, I can't remember what his voice sounded like. I am so tired but can't sleep. Tomorrow I am going to pick out his headstone, something I never thought I would be doing at the age of fifty. I always told him I wanted to die first because I can't do life without him, he was the strong one not me. I can't imagine feeling like this for the rest of my life, I just want to be with him. Every day is horrible. I just feel sick inside.
  8. Artesia, I am so sorry you are going through this unbearable pain. There are no words that can take it away. I also lost my husband suddenly to a heart attack at the age of fifty. I feel lost as well and wonder how I can go on without him. Know you have found the right place as the kindness of the people on here have made a huge difference, just knowing they understand. I am hoping in time we can at least get a little relief from this constant anxiety filled emptiness. Hugs to you.
  9. I am also on Buspirone, 10miligrams, I think it is also the lowest dose. I might ask her to bump it up a bit. I have been on it for two weeks. How long before you were on it that you noticed any improvement? I so do not want to take meds, but I have to be able to go to work and so forth, so I will give anything a try.I even have looked into hypnotherapy for anxiety, that's how desperate I am. I tried to trim the shrubs today and of course even standing on something I couldn't reach, so I cried. I feel so overwhelmed and I miss him so much. I do not sleep well either, I even asked my 14 year old daughter to sleep with me last night. Sometimes just having someone close makes me feel better. I am going to watch movies with her tonight.I will say that through all of this my children and I have become so close. I thank god for them. My son is now getting panic attacks and he actually throws up. I wish I could take all of their pain away from them, watching them struggle is so hard to do, I just want to fix it. My husband was the rock of this family and so much more than just a father/husband. He was our best friend, protector and the one we all turned too. This is so hard, I would give anything to be able to go back in time and save him. Thank you for reaching out, it means alot!
  10. Thank you for responding , I feel so hopeless and sad, I don't know how to cope any longer. I have lost so much weight and I can't sleep well. I miss him so much , being in our house ,our bedroom. Just brings me more pain. Even though my kids are here and I love them with all my heart I just want to be with him. I would never do anything to hurt them more than they already are but the thought of going on through life without him is so unbearable.I do have an appointment with a grief counselor but not until July 10th. I am not sure if it will even help but am willing to give anything a try. I hope the constant anxiety lessens a bit as I need to go to work and I keep having panic attacks. He was my everything for so long, why just why. Thank you all, your words mean so much to me.
  11. I feel the same way, it only has been a little over a month since my husband passed and I just can't imagine feeling this way for the rest of my life. I walk around feeling like I have the flu and am constantly fighting off panic attacks. I am so thankful I found this site, all of you, and your kinds words have brought me comfort. KMB, Francine Andy , KayC, HhFaith, you all always,have the kindest things to say just to make others feel better when you are suffering yourself, that speaks volumes of the kind of people you are. I feel so lost and broken without him, scared , and sometimes I feel like I am losing my mind. When I pray tonight I will pray for all of us here to be able to find some peace . Hugs to all of you and thank you. Diane
  12. I am so sorry for your loss, I lost my husband of 27years a month ago to a sudden heart attack. I think you are brave to even have gone. You gave your children a memory and I am sure they enjoyed their vacation. I know the dread of driving home knowing he won't be there, there is nothing good about this journey we are all on together. I can only hope that time will lessen the pain/hopelessness that we all feel. Be proud that you took two steps forward, even if you slipped back a bit. You are doing the best you can.
  13. Those are beautiful words above as I read them with tears in my eyes as I feel that way exactly . I lost more than my husband , I've lost my existence as it once was. I have never experienced severe anxiety before until now , because he was my safety and loved me unconditionally. I am grateful to have been lucky enough to have someone love me the way he did, but why did it have to end. The last song we listened to right before he died was "let it be". I played it at his service. My heart hurts.
  14. Thank you all for the support! It means a lot . I'm feel so lost and hopeless. Does the pain lessen with time? I see people smiling and happy and feel like I will never feel that way again. I just go through the motions of each day and feel nothing but despair.I am so tired of crying and feeling sick inside. I feel guilty, I should of known and made him go to the doctors. My 21year old son lives with me and I feel like I am putting g to much weight on him. It is hard to talk or ask for help from friends, so thank you for responding it means a lot to know you all get it. Diane
  15. Thank you so much it is comforting knowing I am not alone. I am sorry for your loss as well. Thank you for finding the time to reply , as,I really needed someone who truly understands. It is so hard to function at this point but knowing you are succeeding at finding g some peace fills me with hope. Thank you so much Diane