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Flory

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  1. Hey Mariesgril. Yes, it is not fair for them to tell you to get over it. Everyone does this in his or her own pace. It seems like you really need some time for yourself. And this is very important, as you also believe, because if you don't help yourself, you won't be able to be be there for your little one. You need to take things step by step and set your priorities straight. And the priority right now is you. Don't postpone, don't make up excuses. Give yourself a break, take some days off, go alone somewhere, do something for you and try to see where all of this is coming from, what makes you not want to move on a little bit. Or take your son with you if that helps. The idea is that the persons who don't support this need of yours, i'm sorry to say this, don't deserve to be in your life. I know it's a cliche but it's the truth. And nobody except you can distance from them. This is not selfishness, this is you who tries to be ok in order to be ok also for others. And if they can't understand this, it's their problem. It's clear you still haven't solved the problems you've faced because you didn't have the chance to grieve at that time. And it got worse. Don't let them add up. And don't take pills to solve it because they actually don't. It's a fake escape and you need a real one. I truly believe you are strong cause if you weren't you wouldn't have gotten here. Stay strong, lucid and alive. Please. I know there is great responsibility reling on your own shoulders, but you are your own savior. And we are all here to support you. Because yes, there are people who understand. Remind yourself that. We believe that you can pass thought this. You just need to believe it yourself.
  2. Thank you for your thoughts, Cynthia.
  3. Do I have PTSD?

    I have read you words and it seemed like I was writing them. I really know how that feels, even though I know your relationship with your mom was special and nobody can understand it (cause I feel the same way), I am there, in the same situation, cause my mom was my everything. I don't know if you have PTSD and maybe going to a counselor might help. What I know, based on me, is that when this type of special relationship ends, you just don't know who you are anymore and you feel like you are empty inside. And for me, this is why I have these "attacks", this is why I panic. I am lost and I think you are too. A big part of you is missing, you can't find it where it was before, meaning in the physical realm. And this is hard to grasp. You lost your mom and because she was such a big part of you, you lost also yourself. And you can't function properly in a world in which so much of you is missing. But, in fact, she is not missing. She is there, mine is here, inside of us. We are just too scared, upset and sad to feel them. But with time, they will be more obvious. Just look at yourself and see how many things you have the same as your mom: your behavior, maybe the way you tell jokes or the way you walk. Just observe yourself. In the physical realm she is in you, in the spiritual world, I am sure she is next to way, making sure that you don't crash your car. Four times! And yes, I feel that this is a nightmare from which I need to wake up. This doesn't seem my reality. Maybe it's because I don't fully accept what is happening, or maybe it's because I don't actually feel that my mom is gone. Because, probably she isn't. She was always there when I needed her, she knew how to confort me, she knew what to do and say. She was my support and I was hers. That's how I know she couldn't have left me. That's how I know your mom couldn't have left you.
  4. Grief and guilt

    Hey Ricolean. I know how you feel, actually I think all of us know how you feel. Because when this happens, we all find things to feel guilty about. I guess it's in our nature to look for the bad, to see what we did wrong or if there was something that we could have done to change things. But, if we did things the other way around, now we would have wondered about the other things as well. The idea is that we wonder and we feel guilty irrespective of what we do. Because it's about choices. And I believe that you made the best choice for you at that time. And this is what you need to remind yourself and accept. Even though in your dictionary that was a mistake. I'm struggling with the same thoughts. But I tell myself that at that time, that is what I felt like doing, that is what I considered best considering the situation. And I try to accept my choices taking into account I also can't find out how it could have been the other way around. I hope with time, the acceptance will bring all of us peace of mind. Take care of yourself.
  5. Yes, that's exactly how it feels. It has those days when I felt a little bit better and the feeling of moving on. Then, these past few days, I've once again "fallen". It's these ups and down, like going from one extreme to another. Do they go away at some point, did you find a way to balance them?
  6. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I know that words don't really matter, but maybe they mean something coming from someone who has been through something similar. I seems that now you are afraid that the same thing might happen to your dad and I think you want to be prepared. Let me tell something about my situation. I am a person who is always prepared for stuff. I'm what you might call a control freak. But you see, life had a way of showing me that even though I think I am prepared for everything, I am not. And that's how life took away my mom about 5 months ago, the person I least expected to live me this soon, when I least expected it, how I least expected it. What I'm trying to say and what I've learned is that you cannot be prepared for all things. Also, this happening to you with your mom doesn't mean it will happen with your dad. It's horrible for you to go through that and it leaves a mark, but this mark can be dealt with. Take some time for yourself, with yourself and try to understand where this fear is coming from, what feeds it on a deeper level. Maybe writing stuff down will help. It does for me sometimes. I just grab a piece of paper and just write about what I feel about something, without stopping for 15 minutes. And the real problems tend to come out. All in all, the idea is not to make a precedent out of this, because situations and people cannot be foreseen based on a single happening and you cannot live with this fear, cause this is not living. Things will happen even if you think about them or even if you don't. I know it's hard, but that's what I'm telling myself everyday as well. So, you're not alone. We're all here.
  7. Thank you so much for your answer. I know there is no right and wrong, but I feel I am doing something wrong for myself. Cause I don't want to hide feelings, but live them as they come in order to solve them and not push them away to that they return when I least expect them. And I have the feeling I am somehow trying to push them away because my mom would have wanted me to be strong.
  8. I have written a post here about a month and half ago, explaining my situation and how I feel about losing my mother. http://forums.grieving.com/index.php?/topic/11256-how-can-i-live-with-myself/ Now, I don't know what I feel and it scares me. I started living my life like before, even though nothing is like before, there's this sadness that hoovers over everything I do. I have moments when I cry, but they are lesser and moments when I laugh and maybe forget about it for a while. But it just doesn't seem right. Even though I express myself and let things out when they come, I fear that I'm moving on too fast and that I'm not healing. Sometimes I feel guilt because I laugh and forget, sometimes I know it's what mom would have wanted, sometimes it's really really hard and I feel it's getting harder. It's the first time in my life when I really don't know how I feel and what is happening. And I think that this is happening mainly because I don't really feel that she's gone, that she has left me. I know it's normal to feel lost, but it's not that. I feel like I'm moving on too easily and I don't know if that's the road I should be on. Has any of you experienced this? Thank you all of reading!
  9. For me, it's been 3 months since my mom passed away. And yes, the date will be forever there to mess me up. Try to express your feelings, but do not put so much pressure on the day, don't talk so much about it, when it comes up in your head, try to shift your thought. I think, and I've experienced it for myself, that once we talk about it so many times, think about so often, we only make it worse. It gets imprinted there and it becomes a pattern. Stop thinking about it, do something, anything. I used to consider that people are weak if they find ways to runaway from what is happening in their head. Now, I see that, at least for a short period, this can be a solution. Try to run from it a little bit, until some time passes. And then, when you're stronger, deal with it and try to solve it. Also, I had the same chest pains. They started once I found that my mom was sick. Doctors couldn't explain them in physical terms, but they also found some "leftovers" from a former cold and said that this could have been the cause. I took some medicine, but at the same time I worked with my spiritual healer to solve the pain and it went away. Anyways, since finding out about my mom's disease I have experienced a great deal of pains, in different parts of my body, even though tests came out fine. It's normal considering the emotional pain we are going thought. But just to be in the safe side, go to a doctor and do a check up cause your mom wouldn't have wanted you to get sick. I know these are just words, but it is the truth. Cause I know that no mother would want their child to suffer. Remember that you are not alone and fight to live, to make your mom proud.
  10. Dear reader, Thank you so much for your reply. I see that here there are people who understand the pain and the thoughts that won't stop coming in my mind. I say this because most people with whom I've talked to, my friends and so, really try to be there for me, but I can see they can't understand. They don't understand my relationship with my mum, because yes, it was special, or they don't understand what I'm going through because thankfully, it didn't happen to them also. It's not their fault, but they just can't understand. I have my moments when I cry in front of them, they try to be next to me, to help. But the next day, life goes on for them. It's normal for them, but not for me. My life does go on, but there isn't a second that I don't feel that pain, that feeling that something is missing, that I'm alone. Because the parent and child connection is something out of this world, especially if you embrace it and are conscious of it. It's one of the most beautiful thing in the world, but at the same time it's the most horrible feeling in the world when you actually feel you don't have it anymore. Cause I don't feel it now and it's probably because of all the guilt, frustration, anger that I feel towards the situation. I'm sure that once I'll find a little bit of peace, I'll feel my mom again by my side. Cause she would have never left me just like that. Dear reader, to sum up, I guess I just want to say: thank you so much for understanding. It really helps to see that there are people like me out there. I hope we all find the strength to go on, to learn from our mistakes, to help also others and make ourselves and the loved ones that have passed, proud. Otherwise, their struggle, pain and everything they went through would be in vain.
  11. It's been almost 3 months since I lost my mom. Everybody keeps telling me to be patient, to let time heal, but things are just getting worse for me. And I've tried to cope with it, but it just keeps coming back. I'm more a spiritual than religious type of person and I'm seeing a shaman. I've been working with her, it's better at times, but there are days when I just feel I can't go on. My mother was my best friend, my sister, my soulmate, my all. She was my rock, the person to which I turned to every time, the person who gave me strength, the only person to whom I gave all the love I was capable of. I found out that she had cancer in January, when it was already too late and I decided to not tell her immediately because I was afraid. She believed that once one gets cancer, there is no escape from dying and she was also a person who, once she had her mind set to something, that thing would happen. So I wanted to try to keep her in a positive mindset for as long as I could. It was the first time I lied to her sincer I was a kid. After a while, it got out, I told her a part of it and things started getting worse. Afterwards, I told her everything and in about 2 weeks, she died. I blame myself for taking this route but I don't know if I would have done it the other way around, I don't know if things would have been better if I would have told her from the start. But the most awful thing is that the last two months were filled with anger and a lot of disputes. Meaning exactly the opposite from how we were before. And this just kills me. I was trying to explain that all cancers have also emotional causes and that she should change, that she should think more about herself (my mom always thought about before thinking what's best for her), that she should try solving those issues. And she was asking me to be patient, because maybe we have time, and I was not because I was desperate and afraid and I knew that time mattered. And from this we always started to quarrel. I don't have regrets when it comes to my relationship with my mom, but I have a lot of regrets related to the last period spent with my mom. I could have just shut up and not try to tell her what I think she should do, I could have just renounced trying to change her. I had faith she would get better until the end, I was trying also in the few hours in which she was in a coma. Because I just couldn't stop. But I don't know how to live with myself knowing that the last months with my mom where how they where, that I didn't offer her the understanding and the support that she needed. Because I think that in the last period she wanted to be left alone, to die. My mom was always there for me, she knew how to cheer me up, she knew how to support me, she knew what to say to make it all better. She was always there when I needed her, when I was sick, she always made me better or knew what to do or where to take me to solve the problem. She always figured out a solution and I didn't when it came to her needing me. I couldn't save my mom and offer her what she needed, when it was my turn to do it. And I just don't know how I can get used to living with this. Does someone here have a piece of advice? Thank you and I really hope that somehow, each and every person here will find his or her peace.
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