I wouldn`t like to talk much cause it doesn`t make much sense to me but as it`s the only way..here I go..
In fact I am dissociated, I don`t feel myself, I don`t have feelings and emotions and right now I`m in the moment when I don`t wanna do anything, I don`t have energy cause I am not motivated for anything and because of the dissociation..
As for the loss that lead me to this.. hah it`s difficult to explain.. I was at a perfect place - my work where I found the greatest people!.. really really greatest!.. we made the perfect team! they were not ordinary people, they were extraordinary! :)) Interesting, exciting, brave, with a great sense of humour, people with presence!.. very friendly, very open to others.. Our boss was a part of us as well! We were loving each other very much. We were laughing all the time. And I felt like in a family! My original ''family'' is awful so I was really feeling my coworkers as a family. And because of the traumas I have received in my original family I have been dissociated through a big part of my life, as I realised.. And now at work I felt so alive as I`ve never been!!! I was feeling love, I was feeling accepted, I was feeling that I can do something! I was feeling adult more than ever, I was feeling someone! equal to the others!! I was feeling a part of the great team with the great people! And I became like them - open, brave, kidding all the time, flirting, cool, communication so much, so close to people..
This started 5 years and a half ago.. Unfortunately through time most of the people left this job but we we`re staying in touch.. I was feeling almost as if we we`re still alltogether..
Till one moment when this feeling started to fade.. And it happened along with the fact that I felt betrayed from the three people that were most close to me among the once left from the old team.. Not together, one by one.. I started feeling rejected, humiliated ect. from the one, then the other.. It started with a conflict between two of them.. One of them got very angry and looks like started to revenge.. She left the job.. She accused me that I have forgotten her.. it`s true I have declined a few invitations to go out cause I was starting to dissociate, but three months before she publicly accused me it was almost always me who was keeping the relationship going.. it wasn`t fair.. I think she did it on purpose.. and she did a lot of other things.. not only against me.. The other one in the conflict.. when he started to feel bad he started making me feel bad - rejected, humiliated.. So I people`s bad face.. The third one was my ex-girlfriend.. that appeared to be a big manipulator and lier.. Oh and the big supermarket that we worked at went bankrupt..
Through all these bad things happening I started dissociating and ended feeling like the little child nobody sees like it was in my original family again..
So it`s a loss of.. myself.. my alive self that loves connects talks loud jokes laughs loud flirts feels so free and is seen accepted loved liked.... It`s a loss of family.. and a loss of friends..
In spite of all these things I still feel connected to these people..
I feel very angry with people at moments.. ! I want them to pay for the things they did!.. I sometimes go out with badass # 1 and my ex and they act badly again particularly the badass I feel she has bad feeling for me.. She says bad things to me at moments.. that I`m not doing the right things that I`m not right that I`m not capable.. just like my mum.. she accuses me again.. invites the other people in the gang to come see her at home in front of me, but doesn`t invite me.. She triangulates with my ex.. they make me feel minor and not that important cause they are closer that I am with whoever of them!.. When I think of these things it makes me mad!
I grieve sometimes.. when I succeed to get in touch with my feelings..
But most of the time I`m numb that`s the worst.. and I don`t know how to go forward..
And now I have to decide what new job to start and I have no idea where to go.. cause I don`t feel myself so I don`t have an answer..
Ok.. maybe I needed to speak all these things out.. I just wanted.. not to be so alone grieving.. to know there are other people grieving as well..
If someone.. reads all this :)) and can say something I`ll be glad to hear it..
Wish you well!..