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Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
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    • ModKonnie

      Advertisements   09/05/2017

      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie


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  1. Hi guys.. I wouldn`t like to talk much cause it doesn`t make much sense to me but as it`s the only way..here I go.. In fact I am dissociated, I don`t feel myself, I don`t have feelings and emotions and right now I`m in the moment when I don`t wanna do anything, I don`t have energy cause I am not motivated for anything and because of the dissociation.. As for the loss that lead me to this.. hah it`s difficult to explain.. I was at a perfect place - my work where I found the greatest people!.. really really greatest!.. we made the perfect team! they were not ordinary people, they were extraordinary! :)) Interesting, exciting, brave, with a great sense of humour, people with presence!.. very friendly, very open to others.. Our boss was a part of us as well! We were loving each other very much. We were laughing all the time. And I felt like in a family! My original ''family'' is awful so I was really feeling my coworkers as a family. And because of the traumas I have received in my original family I have been dissociated through a big part of my life, as I realised.. And now at work I felt so alive as I`ve never been!!! I was feeling love, I was feeling accepted, I was feeling that I can do something! I was feeling adult more than ever, I was feeling someone! equal to the others!! I was feeling a part of the great team with the great people! And I became like them - open, brave, kidding all the time, flirting, cool, communication so much, so close to people.. This started 5 years and a half ago.. Unfortunately through time most of the people left this job but we we`re staying in touch.. I was feeling almost as if we we`re still alltogether.. Till one moment when this feeling started to fade.. And it happened along with the fact that I felt betrayed from the three people that were most close to me among the once left from the old team.. Not together, one by one.. I started feeling rejected, humiliated ect. from the one, then the other.. It started with a conflict between two of them.. One of them got very angry and looks like started to revenge.. She left the job.. She accused me that I have forgotten her.. it`s true I have declined a few invitations to go out cause I was starting to dissociate, but three months before she publicly accused me it was almost always me who was keeping the relationship going.. it wasn`t fair.. I think she did it on purpose.. and she did a lot of other things.. not only against me.. The other one in the conflict.. when he started to feel bad he started making me feel bad - rejected, humiliated.. So I people`s bad face.. The third one was my ex-girlfriend.. that appeared to be a big manipulator and lier.. Oh and the big supermarket that we worked at went bankrupt.. Through all these bad things happening I started dissociating and ended feeling like the little child nobody sees like it was in my original family again.. So it`s a loss of.. myself.. my alive self that loves connects talks loud jokes laughs loud flirts feels so free and is seen accepted loved liked.... It`s a loss of family.. and a loss of friends.. In spite of all these things I still feel connected to these people.. I feel very angry with people at moments.. ! I want them to pay for the things they did!.. I sometimes go out with badass # 1 and my ex and they act badly again particularly the badass I feel she has bad feeling for me.. She says bad things to me at moments.. that I`m not doing the right things that I`m not right that I`m not capable.. just like my mum.. she accuses me again.. invites the other people in the gang to come see her at home in front of me, but doesn`t invite me.. She triangulates with my ex.. they make me feel minor and not that important cause they are closer that I am with whoever of them!.. When I think of these things it makes me mad! I grieve sometimes.. when I succeed to get in touch with my feelings.. But most of the time I`m numb that`s the worst.. and I don`t know how to go forward.. And now I have to decide what new job to start and I have no idea where to go.. cause I don`t feel myself so I don`t have an answer.. Ok.. maybe I needed to speak all these things out.. I just wanted.. not to be so alone grieving.. to know there are other people grieving as well.. If someone.. reads all this :)) and can say something I`ll be glad to hear it.. Wish you well!..