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GhostofLight

Members
  • Content count

    35
  • Joined

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About GhostofLight

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Male
  • Location
    New York
  • Loss Type
    Widower
  • Angel Date
    3/28/17

Converted

  • Occupation
    Media
  • Last Name
    Walsh
  • First Name
    Kieran
  • Zip
    10003
  1. I don't want to continue on without him

    Matahum, Welcome. I'm sorry for what you're going through, but you will definitely find understanding and sympathy here. Write as often as you need to. Right now you're in the eye of the hurricane, and it's a horrible place to be. Use what energy you have to get yourself from point A... to point B... to point C... and so on. It's a cliche, but take one small step at a time. HUGS.
  2. Jedi Mind Trick

    HUGS to you, as well. I don't remember the exact quote, but John Lennon talked a lot about the transition from being a Beatle and then back to being his own person after the breakup. I suppose it's a lot like that. On levels both conscious and unconscious, two people in love mesh personalities to create something unique and special and irreplaceable. But when it's over you have to go on this hellish safari where you backtrack and try to figure out who you were to start with... it might take months, or years, or decades... My life had meaning/purpose before I met my loved one, but I kind of feel like that meaning/purpose WAS to meet him. So thinking about where to go from here... it just doesn't compute. He was what I'd always wanted. The life I'd always dreamt of. It's like if you've been to the moon... what then? Anything else is going to be a disappointment. And I'm surrounded by all this stuff. Weddings. Nephews starting college. Nephews finishing college. Co-workers buying windows for their home. Neighbors arguing about what defines "Indian summer." Strangers who beg me to hold the elevator doors open for just a teensy bit longer. Talking heads who have very well-informed opinions. Talking heads who don't have well-informed opinions. People who sort of recognize me but don't know I've completely lost interest in this world. Pundits. Baristas. Actors. Cops. Attorneys. Telemarketers... How absurd it is - it all keeps going. They don't know yet. They don't KNOW. I'm invisible now. But, yes. I have music. It's the only thing I understand anymore.
  3. Jedi Mind Trick

    This is kind of what I figure. He (God) obviously doesn't want to be friends, so he hurt me as much as possible. It certainly worked. We'll never have a relationship again. I may be getting addicted to alcohol, but I don't really care much. I don't want to be alive anyway, so anything that can possibly shorten my time here is fine. Life is only precious if it has meaning.
  4. Jedi Mind Trick

    I appreciate your thoughts. I'll get through the grief - I don't really have any choice apart from suicide. But the anger and bitterness towards God are here to stay. I know who he really is now.
  5. Jedi Mind Trick

    Yes. Complete agreement here. "...Observed" really is like distilled grief. It's not even a book, per se. More like an experience. Obviously I've come to completely different conclusions to Lewis, but we were in the same hell.
  6. Jedi Mind Trick

    Since we're on the subject - is there a simple way of finding a reputable, authenticated one? Like a Yelp for mediums?
  7. Jedi Mind Trick

    I actually completely agree with you. I mean, this experience has definitely taught me a lesson... the twist, though, is that I now know the truth about God. God's cruelty. God's evil. Obviously this isn't the way everyone sees it, and I'm not saying these things to be provocative, it's just the only way I can interpret the data. Oddly enough, the person who describes it best is C.S. Lewis: “Not that I am (I think) in much danger of ceasing to believe in God. The real danger is of coming to believe such dreadful things about Him. The conclusion I dread is not 'So there's no God after all,' but 'So this is what God's really like. Deceive yourself no longer.” Strangely, the realization does bring me a certain peace, almost like leaving an abusive relationship. The truth hurts, but at least I know. In a twisted way it explains everything - why the world is the way it is. "The gods forgot that they made me/So I forget them, too." I think it's also very much related to being gay. If you grow up homosexual, you learn pretty quick that religion isn't your friend, so it's not a comfort in the way it is for much of the population. Definitely going to see a medium. To be honest I'm skeptical of such things, but I'd really enjoy the experience. Just to see what comes out of it, basically.
  8. Jedi Mind Trick

    I won't ever trust God or his lies again ("Fool me once...") He might be sore about that, but I'm sure he's already forgiven himself - he doesn't really need my forgiveness. He can, of course, arrange for me whatever eternal agony he likes. It won't repair our relationship. In the meantime I'll do my best to avoid him. Should we run into each other at the supermarket or something I'll give him a nod, but that's it.
  9. Jedi Mind Trick

    Thanks for your responses, everybody. I see an excellent therapist and she's helped me through a lot. I don't have to tell anyone here, though - all the listening in the world... all the advice... all the support... it still won't bring back our loved one. What a thing, to be trapped in this world, without hope. I've been on antidepressants for years. Due to recent events my doctor has tweaked the dosage slightly. I think it's helped a bit. Naturally, being prone to depression, I would have to lose not just one, but two loves - and all before the age of 50. What's that quote about "God never gives you more than you can handle?" I think I can dispute that. Well... gay guy here (raises hand) so we're talking about, respectively, my husband and then a partner I desperately wanted to marry... but I know where you're coming from and I appreciate your comments. Swap the labels and it's all the same passion and loss. I don't know. I don't know what they would want. I try to think about it in the terms you describe, but... Everything is so empty now. I'm an empty person in an empty world. I give up. Remember that film, The Mothman Prophecies? *Minor Spoiler Alert* At the beginning of the film, the main character, John (a reporter played by Richard Gere) loses his wife in a tragic car accident. Later on, he's remembering the accident and the aftermath. John: "Two weeks ago, we were house hunting. One day you're just driving along in your car, and the universe just points at you and says, 'Ah, there you are: a happy couple. I've been looking for you. I've been looking for you.'" Boy, do I understand that quote now. Was that our big crime? We were just too damn happy? Boy, there are some strange rules to this game. Almost like its rigged or something... There's a horrible, acrid taste in my mouth whenever I think about it - the reality. Now you don't get the life you wanted. You'll have to settle. Gee, how rewarding. I had a really great day a work. I'm helping the company make lots of money. That's all I am, now, a cog in the machine. I'm alive, but it's a life without meaning. I guess this is what I have to look forward to. Someday I'll leave my nieces and nephews a nice little nest egg. Good for them.
  10. Jedi Mind Trick

    This will sound crazy, I know, but truth is often stranger than fiction. In the seventies and eighties the American military sought to appropriate lots of different ideas from the burgeoning new age movement. Among other things, they dreamt of "super soldiers" capable of walking through solid matter, hypnotizing adversaries, and even killing enemy combatants using only their minds. You can look it up if you don't believe me. I'm no soldier, but I've been trying to kill myself ever since losing my soulmate back in March. Nothing too dramatic, mind you. Not jumping off a bridge or ingesting a bunch of pills. But every night I've tried to will myself to die. Every night I wish fervently will be my last night on this stupid, wretched planet. I've been trying to kill myself with my mind. Haven't mastered the trick yet, though. Christ, when will this end. How many more years? It seems all I have now is drink. Yes, I drink far too much now. I'm an Irish cliche. But, honestly, what else is there? What else can I hope for now that the love of my life is gone? God had his fun, didn't he? The cosmic sadist. I hope it was worth it. I'm so very tired.
  11. Next Week

    If God has any mercy at all tonight I'll die in my sleep.
  12. Next Week

    Is suicide really so awful? I mean, I already know how this story ends. Why wait?
  13. Next Week

    Hello Friends, Well, I did it. Sort of. The visit home started reasonably well. I was in a decent mood and kind of enjoyed the simplicity - the way each day unfolded: Who's making the coffee? What's on the news? Where are we taking Mom for dinner? But slowly I started to feel the resentment welling up. Nobody asked about me. Not even in a perfunctory way. I think it's hard for them to imagine what this loss has been like, and it's especially tricky because they never even met my boyfriend (who passed away in March) so they don't really have a reference point. But it would've been nice to hear something... even if it was just: "How are you holding up?" or "I know you've been through some **** and I'm sorry." We didn't need to talk about it for hours - just an acknowledgement. One other thing I should cover here is the fact that I'm a gay man, grieving the loss of another gay man (well, two, actually). That probably hasn't been clear up to now. At any rate, my family is pretty tolerant and accepting, but old fears still lurk in the shadows. Would they take my pain more seriously if it had been a woman? If I had a child would they care more? Do they talk about me with friends and distant relatives, or am I "just fine?" And that awful, creeping realization that their lives are moving on, progressing. Not perfect because nothing ever is - but nonetheless real lives. Lives that still have some possibility for genuine happiness. Lives that might bear some resemblance to their dreams. Meanwhile, my life is, for all intents and purposes, over. To a certain extent I don't blame them. Who wants to speak with a corpse in their living room? I got hit by a tidal wave of emotion. Cried in my room and felt suicidal for the first time in a while. I decided to leave a day early because the stress was just too much for me to handle. I felt like I might burst into tears if anyone so much as asked me for a section of the newspaper. There's a Verve lyric: "I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me." I suppose it's like that from now on. I'd much rather be hanging out with you guys, simply because you KNOW. You get it. We will likely never meet in real life but I love all of you for that. So I left a day early. Came back home to my empty apartment. Had a long phone conversation with my late boyfriend's niece (we're very close now) and talked about the life that might have been. Marriage. A home. Cuddling. Support and devotion. Joy and togetherness. All the things that are no longer possible. It would've been great.
  14. "How long do I have to be here?"

    * Hugs * Yup. I know exactly what you mean. I smoke now. Never did before. "It's really bad for you." Mmmm, okay? You mean I'm going to lose a whole three years of this miserable existence? GOSH I'LL THROW THESE CIGARETTES AWAY RIGHT NOW. Punished... but for what? In the American legal system at least, there's great emphasis on whether the accused is mentally fit enough to stand trial... it's crucially important because, among other things, they have to understand why they're being judged... why they're being sentenced. Otherwise, what's the point? If I did something wrong... ****. Please tell me what it was. What did I do? Help me make sense of it all so that I can atone, at least. Help me understand. Help me understand. There is something to understand, right? If there isn't, this just seems cruel. God's silence isn't always laudable.
  15. Any fellow Doctor Who fans here? For the uninitiated, Doctor Who is a long-running British science fiction program about an enigmatic time-traveler known, simply, as "The Doctor." There was an episode a few years back where the Doctor finds himself trapped in a kind of spooky castle... relentlessly pursued by a faceless creature... In a moment of self-reflection, the Doctor wonders if he's in hell: "I'm not scared of hell. It's just heaven for bad people. But... how long do I have to be here?" That quote, that question, seems to sum up my existence (life is too generous a word) now. I do things. Pay bills. Fold laundry. Brush my teeth. I go to work. I fight back tears when I'm on public transportation. I joke with people at work to make sure that they feel comfortable around me. Ha ha. Yes... this might be hell. Sure feels like it. I'm 45. I'm somewhere in the middle. Stuck in the middle. All of my receptors are burnt out. I can't enjoy things. I don't feel ambition. I don't even worry about the future anymore. If there is a future I'd rather not be in it. It's tearing me apart. I just don't understand. God can do anything he wants to me, but why did he have to be so cruel to the person I loved? Why? Why?? W-- I must have been a horrible person in another life. I'm in hell. Armed with nothing but memories of happiness that seem to mock me. Perhaps I deserve this. Okay, fine. But the question lingers: How long do I have to be here?
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