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About GhostofLight

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  1. Yes. I think about this stuff constantly. I suspect that, if you're thinking about something, you're basically looking for answers. It's like working on a crossword puzzle or a Rubik's cube. If you can just line up the right squares or figure out that missing word it will all fall into place... and then you'll have the answers you've always wanted. You'll know why your love is gone. You can't necessarily bring them back, but you'll have an explanation. And, of course, throughout history there have been enormously clever individuals who have worked at the puzzle, and even claimed to have solve it. BUT there's no way to actually prove anything has been solved. We can theorize, but that's about it. The important thing to remember is... this stuff can drive you mad. Literally mad. I've been meditating a lot and trying to find ways to... stop working on the puzzle. It's difficult because, to a certain extent, it's giving up control. It's an admission that I can't possibly solve the riddle, so I'm not going to torture myself with attempts to do so. It certainly takes practice. I'm getting better at it. It's like that old saying, "you have to be comfortable with being uncomfortable." Something like that.
  2. You're very welcome. Yes, God is an asshole... but he's not as clever as he likes to think. By helping one another, we outsmart him.
  3. I hear you, brother. I feel exactly the same way. (Hugs.) But I also feel sort of crummy about some of the things I said previously... not that I didn't mean them, but I'm also conscious of how my mood can affect other people. Venting is good, but I don't want to push other people deeper into despair. Especially not here. I am not my thoughts. I am the space between my thoughts. Tonight I played the piano. A lot. My fingers hurt. Can't quite figure out the intro to "Changes." It's in C, obviously, but there are some weird chords in there. David was like that. What can I lose myself in? What can you lose yourself in? "See the dwarves and see the giants. Which one would you choose to be?"
  4. Grief is... unpredictable to say the least. I thought I was doing well until this past weekend when it hit me like a thunderbolt. This site has helped tremendously. You are welcome here. You are needed here. All I can figure is that it's a force to submit to. You can't outsmart grief. You can't postpone it. You can't reason it away. You have to let it be. There's no schedule, only feeling.
  5. Thank you for the hugs. I think I'm going to have to avoid drinking for a while... it just makes me sad.
  6. Thank you. It's like that lyric from Bittersweet Symphony... "I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me."
  7. I feel the same way. They're nothing to me. Just useless. An artifact of a past life. Complete waste of time.
  8. When I do finally meet God... I will choke him to death with my own hands. How dare he do this to me. To us. The bastard. He should be afraid of me.
  9. Hi Nicole, I'm sorry for what you've been through, what you're going through. I know exactly what you mean by a "once in a lifetime type of person." Ignore the ignorant ones. They'll never understand anything.
  10. Well, yes. That's the rub, isn't it? I still believe in God, but I think God is basically evil. Malevolent. Cruel. Sadistic. Not that different from what you're saying, but I suspect there is a rhyme and reason - the suffering in this world is exactly what God wants. I took part in a (IRL) grief support group recently. One of the people there was saying something to the effect of... the old person they used to be just didn't work in this new reality. You can survive, but you become another person. That's where I'm at. I wake up every day and I don't really recognize myself... but I'm not who I once was. The fact that I no longer like dogs is just a small example. It's like walking into your garage and finding that your car has been replaced. It's still "your" car, but you have to learn a completely different approach. How do I activate the windshield wipers? What side is the gas on? How does the radio work? So it's kind of like, I'm mourning the loss of my partner(s) - but I'm also mourning the loss of me - if that makes any sense. When someone important to you dies, a part of your soul dies, too.
  11. I think we're all at different points in this journey. And, as KayC accurately observed, we all grieve differently. At this moment what I feel is more aligned with Ka9219's sentiments. This whole experience definitely represents a "rupture" of some kind... as opposed to a rapture. I see now how evil God really is, so it's unlikely I'll be able to go back to the old ways. You can't go home again. I know my personal life is over, which is a great shame. I also know that, as much as I would like to, I can't commit suicide because I need to be here for my family. So I'm basically in purgatory. Killing time until I can be reunited with the one I loved - assuming that's even a possibility. I'm not sure at this point. Music is good. I'm learning the piano. Hobbies are a decent distraction. There's really nothing to look forward to.
  12. I had a dream. A dog came to visit me. Not just any dog. A dog I owned with my late husband. He was so happy to see me. Tail wagging. Eyes welcoming. I sent him away. Yelled at him, "Get out!" He was confused, but did as he was told. The symbolism is pretty clear... I was sending away God. The worst part is, I truly meant it. But, yeah, it's weird. Ever since that dream I don't really like dogs anymore. Grief changes you.
  13. Just wanted to say that this is eerily similar to my predicament. I don't know how you feel, but I know how you feel. I'm very, very sorry for your loss. I was married to a wonderful man for 18 years. He passed away in February 2014. Then I met another wonderful person toward the end of 2015. The only problem was that he had already been diagnosed with cancer. I fell madly in love with him... even though I knew how things would turn out. I eventually lost him in March of this year. I was wrong about the hurt. I knew it would be awful, but it's maybe 100 or 1000 times worse than I'd imagined. I'm starting to cry as I type this. I'm sick of losing everyone.
  14. I found this website earlier today. So many of the posts here remind me of what I'm going through. It's genuinely comforting. I wanted to express some of my own sorrow. Back in March I lost someone so precious. Even if I could put it into words you wouldn't belive me. You wouldn't believe how beautiful and perfect he was. How perfect we were together. You wouldn't understand that he was the person I'd dreamt of since childhood. I knew from the start of our relationship that he had cancer. I wanted to walk away, but I couldn't. I was dumb enough to think I could make a difference. I was dumb enough to think that I could outsmart a terminal disease. I prayed. I prayed every minute of every day. I prayed to everyone I could think of. People who had been close to me. People who OWED me. They let me down. As far as I'm concerned they can all burn for eternity. Everyone else gets the fun. I get the heartbreak. Don't tell me it will balance, because I don't belive in magic anymore. There's nothing left of me. I wake up. I go to work. I come home. I have no interests. I have no goals. I have no hope. I can't imagine a life that will be in any way satisfactory. I'm stuck here. In purgatory. How many years? I hate God for doing this to us. I hate God for doing this to HIM. Who forgives God? I doubt I'll be able to. That's the end of it. The end of me.