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About JenC

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

Profile Information

  • Gender
  • Location
    British Columbia
  • Loss Type
    My Husband
  • Angel Date
    April 22, 2017

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86 profile views
  1. I think I'm going crazy. Saturday I hit the 12 week mark since Matt's been gone. My brother has been staying with me since we lost him and he has been great but lately I was feeling like I needed some space and I started hinting to him that he could go home now and that we would be okay. Well today he went home and now I can't stop crying. I feel so alone and I don't know what I want anymore. I wanted space to figure out what my life is going to look like now but now that I have it It feels so scary to not have that constant here anymore. I know he will visit lots but it's scary. It makes me miss Matthew so much more. I hate that he isn't ever coming home again. I'm so sad, angry and just plain confused. I don't know what I'm doing anymore.
  2. I'm so sorry you are going through this. It is so unbelievable difficult to accept that they are gone. We just have to take everything one day at a time and sometimes even just one hour or minute at a time if needed. I just picked up my husbands ashes 2 days ago even though I could have for awhile because even though I knew he was gone there was just something so final about having the ashes and seeing them with my own eyes. It was our anniversary the day I picked them up and I just felt like that was the right time for me.
  3. I get what you mean here. People keep telling me the same thing. They always say you could see it every time he looked at me that he was so in love and proud of me. It is nice to hear but also makes it hurt so much more. I knew he loved me but the fact that it was obvious to everyone that knew us is something I will cherish as well.
  4. Our special spot was a cove that is a provincial park here around 20 minutes from where we live. It has a dock that goes out and looks over the sound and it is absolutely beautiful. It is where we went with friends and spent all night at talking until the sun came up the first day we met, where we spent many times sitting and just being together, where he proposed to me, where he brought me to read a poem he had written just for me, where we had our wedding photos taken and so many other great memories. I took him there yesterday and just sat on the dock with him next to me and looked out at the ocean remembering the great times we had. It was really hard knowing that we won't be able to make any new memories but I am so grateful for the ones I have. It does make it real. There is just something so final about it. I don't think I was ready to have his ashes here until yesterday. It was a good day to take that step. I needed him here with me for our anniversary.
  5. Today would have been our 16th wedding anniversary. I have been so emotional today. I miss him so much everyday but today is especially hard. I went to the funeral home today and picked up his ashes. I hadn't done it yet as we weren't sure what we wanted for an urn and to be honest I just wasn't ready to accept he was just ashes. I did it today though because I felt I needed to have him here with me. I also ordered the urn I choose but it won't be ready until next week so he is in a cardboard box urn right now. I hate this new life. I just want to go back to when we were all happy and he was here with us. It's so hard.
  6. Thank you. It feels silly being so upset over a drink. It's comforting to be able to come here and tell you guys these things and get answers back saying you understand. I'm sorry he never got try your casserole. To others it is just a drink or just a casserole but to us it is important. I too never went away much but was in Europe when my husband passed. I regret going so much and not being home with him. There are so many why did I do this or why didn't I do that that I just can't stop thinking about.
  7. Lisa I am so sorry you have to go through this. It is so hard. My husband Matthew passed away unexpectedly on April 22, just over 10 weeks ago. We have an 11 year old son and a 15 year old daughter. I can't say it has gotten any easier yet but it helps to come here and share my thoughts and feelings with others that get it. As much as our family and friends want to help and try to understand this, it is a pain that no one can unless they have gone through it. Just keep focusing on one day at a time and when even that seems too much go for one hour or one minute at a time.
  8. I am so sorry you are going through this. I am 36 years old too and lost my husband unexpectedly 10 weeks ago. He also suffered from anxiety before and had taken pills to help deal with it. We don't know why he passed away though and are waiting for the autopsy report. The paramedics believe it was a heart attack but we won't know for certain until we get the report. The first few weeks I was busy planning the memorial and I honestly don't know what else I did. People would stop by to see us others would call but I was taking so much medication to get through it that I don't have too much memory of those first couple weeks. I went back to work at 6 weeks but I really don't know if I was ready at that point. I was just worried that they would need to replace me if I didn't. I am only working 3-4 days a week and only 3-5 hours a day right now though. I told them that that was all I could handle and they have been really understanding. I think the best advice I received was to Just try to take everything one day at a time and sometimes even one minute at a time. I'm still doing that. Just keep posting here. I have found this place to be comforting being able to talk to others that are going through similar situations. I have lots of family and friends wanting to support me through this and that is great but they don't understand like the people here do.
  9. My wedding anniversary is on Friday. It would have been our 16th and it will be my first without him. I don't drink very often but he had found these raspberry ginger beers that I really liked and had put some in the fridge for me a few weeks before he died. I had one left and had been saving it to drink on our anniversary. I was just cleaning out the fridge and it's empty. My brother that has been staying with us since my husband passed away drank it. I am so angry and upset. I know he obviously didn't realize what my plan had been but he had been asked to leave it alone. He says he was going to replace it but he can't replace it. It was the last one from Matthew. It can't ever be replaced. I know in the grand scheme of things it isn't that important but I feel so upset right now. Like I lost another piece of him I had been saving.
  10. Me too one day but not today. I need his stuff around me. Thank you. It caught me by surprise how hard it hit me. I've smelled his shirts and pillow before but I was expecting the smell and was looking for it. When I wasn't thinking about it and all of a sudden it was there I just fell apart.
  11. I ran out of shaving cream today so grabbed Matthews off the counter (yes all his stuff is still out where he left it.) before jumping in the shower like I had done many times before he died. I almost collapsed to my knees when I sprayed some in my hand to use and got a whiff of it. It made me miss him so much more. It was like I could smell him for a moment and he was there with me. There are reminders of him everywhere around our house but the smell was something else. All these things I didn't think about and then BAM it hits like a ton of bricks. Yesterday was 10 weeks. It has been the shortest yet longest 10 weeks of my life if that makes any sense at all.
  12. Today has been a really difficult day. Our son graduated from elementary school and will be moving on to middle school in September and our daughter graduated middle school and will be going to high school come September. These are milestones he should be here celebrating with us. I'm so sad that he is missing them and so many more to come. I just want to talk to him and see him again. I don't know how I'm going to get through all this without him. He was the one I wanted to spend my life with and now that isn't possible. It doesn't feel like things are ever going to be okay again.
  13. I had one dream shortly after Matthew passed away where I was laying my head on his chest and we were laying in bed cuddling and just talking. When I woke up everything was so vivid and I could remember every touch and feeling. For a moment when I woke I felt like he was still there. I wonder if he was visiting me in my dreams Maybe that's where I can still see him and feel him. I wish every night when I go to sleep that he will visit me again but I've yet to have such a vivid dream since. Hopefully it will happen again.
  14. Exactly. I too tell Matthew many times a day how much I love him. We said it all the time when he was alive but I wish I had shown him more instead of just the words. There are so many things I wish I had said and done before he was gone. Things we put off because we couldn't afford them and thought we could do them later. I wish we had just done them. We could have made it work. Now he won't ever get to and I don't want to do things without him. I miss him so much. Our anniversary is coming up next week and I don't know how I'm going to get through that one.
  15. Me too. The last time I saw Matthew in person was 8 days before he died when he dropped me and my daughter off at the airport for our trip. I so wish we could have known that that would be the last time I would kiss him and hug him. But we had no idea and just said our goodbyes like it would only be for a little bit and then we would be together again. I wish I could have at least had a chance to say my final goodbye. I know it sounds stupid but I'm jealous of all you guys who had sick partners and knew it was coming. I can't imagine how horrible that would be and the dread while you knew time was running out but I feel like at least then I would have said everything I wish I'd said knowing that time we didn't have much time.