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About Ka9219

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    Advanced Member

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  • Gender
  • Location
    Costa Rica
  • Loss Type
  • Angel Date
  1. 7th month

    Maybe you are right no pain is greater as the first one but together with the feeling of loneliness or how much we miss them it seems like or feels like the pain is like the very first day all of this began. But I think it is a cocktail, every day we drink a mix of feelings in which some days are more sadness others more desperation and others more frustration, along with the anger and hopelessness and with time is harder to drink it. I am afraid my path of sadness will take longer than I wish, and yes love remains, but not only remains it also grows bigger and stronger.
  2. 7th month

    Jokkyp, thank you for sharing your experience with me. Mario ask me twice to stay with him that Monday but as you I rushed into thoughts and I told him it was ok because we will see on Tuesday but that day never came. I know we want to have the power to at least seize all the time they had left on Earth, even if it was impossible to stop the tragedy it would be kind of comforting to take every single minute before it happen and make it remarkable. But we didn't know, because this kind of things are tragedies and nobody expects tragedies. I don't share my feelings either, I am used to built "walls" all around me and that's why people assume I am doing "just fine" but at the end of the day when I close the door of my bedroom tears comes as rivers, the pain is always there: day and night, restless and powerful, and as time goes by the depression grows as a monster feed up by sadness and desperation. It is hard to see how life goes on without them, how people replace what for us is irreplaceable and does little things takes so much from us. I wish I could tell you some words of consolation but grieve is different for all of us, few things have work for me but reality is that I am as bad as the first day, for some of us time is healing, for others only takes deeper the knife into the wound. So, do as you need, one day you will need to cry the next one you will need to laugh and it is ok, just do as you need.
  3. 7th month

    It waa heart breaking, she came to the forum couple of weeks after I got here and we shared part of our story.
  4. 7th month

    You said better than I could Death present itself like the easy way out, some sort of bitter consolation comes to me when I think some day I'll day and I hope it will be soon, but in the meantime I feel desperate trying to carry the reality. And I think that's my biggest problem, facing reality, is this really happening? I wonder over and over again how is it possible, Mario was just fine and a week later he was gone, he was breathing and his heart was beating and they told me he was gone, after that I just saw the coffin but I couldn't see him inside that thing so for me and my mind is still hard to believe he was gone, he just vanished from my life like a ghost and I don't know how to accept this or how to see this is real, it seems impossible. He was young, healthy and strong, how could this happen to him? It's hurting more than ever
  5. 7th month

    I know, is hard to look ahead with only 25 years old and imagine a life without them, Mario was not only my partner, was my best friend and my biggest supporter through the bad things, now I am facing the hardest thing on my life and he is not here to hold my hand and tell me everything is going to be all right, also at this age pressure is over me, to find a nice job to keep studying, and sometimes it feels so worthless and I don't know if I am going to be able to make it. His support was essential, with only one hug he turned and awful day into a perfect one only for existing. I just pray not making to my 30's
  6. 7th month

    It happens the same for me, I am not used to feel anger, I was always the one who never got angry but now anger is my main state, and sometimes I don't know how to focus in a good way and it end up been in a big wave of frustration and sadness and I can barely take all this emotions at once. Christmas used to be my favorite holiday, this Christmas I just wake up and saw everyone opening their gifts and then I went back to sleep, it was like a big whole in my chest, no tears or rush of feelings, just the feeling of something absence, something really big. Sometimes I think kids help us to move through, but I can only imagine it because never made it to have a baby with him. Yes this is awful sometimes I wonder how I've made so far because nothing gets better.
  7. 7th month

    Yes sometimes is good to have someone to talk to but in my case, my family have never been through into a tragedy, so they have no clue about it and they try to "fix me" and my mom only says that "life goes on" and I understand life goes on but is not like a pill I'll take and the pain will vanish, is process maybe of years and I am tired to listen over again about how I should mourn so for me is better to fake even at home.
  8. 7th month

    Hi everyone I remember when I entered the forum for the first time, I was desperate looking for someone to tell me how the future would look like for me, after 7 months grieving the death of Mario I've found out nothing is clear yet and no grieve is equal for any of us. I've been absence in the forum because at some point emphaty lost its effect on me; I've to say the first couple of months was really good to read and to connect with people who had been through the same than me, after the fourth month my life started going down and down, depression is on me like never before, I feel sad, frustrated, desperate, powerless, hopeless, anger is my best friend and nothing is like once was. I know this is not healthy, neither is the way Mario would like for me to live my life but so far I haven't been able to find some sort of consolation, life looks like a path of darknesals in which I am a puppet of a despot god. I'd like to bring words of hope to you all but for me there is no hope left, when Mario died also died my hope and dreams, and also my will of live, I move from morning to evening just waiting for one day my life get to the finish line. I am not telling you I spend my whole day hiding in the shadows, I am kinda functional now, I've learn to fake because is easier to fake my wellness in order to stop the endless speeches in how my grieve should be taken. I have made a couple of great friends here on the forum, they have been with me when I needed them the most and I cherish their company and support. The losing of TooDevastated take me deeper into my depression, it shocked me and somehow I wish I could follow the same path she did, just spending some months on this Earth and then peacefully died and finally reunite with Mario. But as far I am alive I don't expect for happiness I just want some peace, been able to move from one day to another in a peaceful way, grieving him daily but not living in missery, maybe one day I'll be able to reach that point.
  9. My sister, TooDevastated

    Well I think you said better than I never could, yes we woke up, eat, do, manage to do several taks, but and this is a big BUT, happiness is not longer part of my life, I am angry all the time they said this will be up and downs, for me have been more downs than ups, not a single day have been past when I woke up and curse my existence because I am tired of living
  10. My sister, TooDevastated

    This is so hard to believe, I felt connected with her in the way we were handling our grieve and several other things about our lives, I wish I could say something worth saying but truth is this is very sad, my heart is crying and I feel the sadness of a loss one more time, even if I've been apart from the forum, still you are my family and I know toodesvastaded feel in the same way She is now free from the pain and grieve, and even if her boyfriend was not the best for her, she loves him badly and now they are reunited, TooDevastated sister, we know your pain and sadness but don't blame yourself, it is not your fault, there is no way you couldn't know what she was thinking and doing, she was an adult and she made decisions, even if the pain is enormous, keep in your heart the peace that she is where she wanted to be, I know it sounds hard to handle, but she told us what she wanted the most and she wanted to join her boyfriend in heaven. I know she is happy with her boyfriend now Peace for you and your family
  11. A place for pain.... and suffering.

    Yes, I was thinking the same, I was like: I can't believe it, she is a goddess she can save him, come on! Do something!!!!! Now it seems we have a superhero with can connect with
  12. A place for pain.... and suffering.

    Hi KayC, is nice to see you are back, I read a book called "The Shack" by Willian Paul Young it is about a father who loss his child and he talks to god about it, it's pretty good for those who believe in god.
  13. A place for pain.... and suffering.

    Is nice to know someone understand me, because at the end I cried so bad. I know is silly but it's "funny" to see even a goddess couldn't save the one she loves.
  14. Been nine months. Not doing well.

    Well we all have different ways to make through this, alcohol, feeding habits, junk food, cigarettes, all of them are equally dangerous for our health, but I am not judging anyone, because we all look for ways to make the pain lesser, I know deep inside in our hearts we are just trying to accelerate "our time" with bad decisions and not healthy habits. If you want to do it, do it, it might help, it might not but do it if you want to
  15. A place for pain.... and suffering.

    That was heart touching, I mean, they are honoring your wife without knowing her, that's really kind and sweet. Is nice to know people out there, without knowing us are doing so much for us, Mario was a big fan of Terry Crews and now I try to keep up with news and post about him, as you said, are little things that bring us little drops of hope and maybe "happiness". Knowing someone for what we both liked is amazing, we didn't need to "make couple time", we just get together to enjoy the things we liked as individuals, and been able to share what we like together made it amazing, we connected so much and in so many ways thanks to the video games, movies and all this stuff, working together as a team, sharing thoughts are crazy theories, improve so we can play together all we wanted it was amazing, maybe that's why this is so hard now, doing everything you liked with the person you love and now been alone... is like everything becomes meaningless. Haha, since the Trailer of Kingsmen was released I knew I wanted to see it with him and we spent a lot of time talking about crazy theories of The Last Jedi, actually the last weekend we spent together we both were excited about Wonder Woman, we were waiting to buy tickets of Wednesday to watch it together, sadly, it never happened, I saw the movie alone in my room like 3 weeks ago and I cried almost all movie and the end was heart breaking for me.