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About Ka9219

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  1. Stonesie, grieve hit us in different ways, and we'd like to think that hurt "vanish" with time, but we all know that's not true, next 26th will be the second month since Mario died, and I'm feeling worst than ever. Numbness, hopeless, helpless, sadness, anger, frustration, I feel it every day, and we all feel it here as well, it doesn't end, time might help, but we are not talking about days or months, we will need years to learn how to handle this. Crying is part of this, if you need to cry do it, crying is the visible way to express our grieve, talk with your husband, we all share the hope our love one is listening to us, talk to him, tell him how you feel, he wont judge you. If you need friends here we are for you, if you need professional help go with a therapist, they help a lot, they wont give a magical pill to "forget" but they will give you the tools to handle the grieve, 'cause this is and endless path.
  2. Sometimes I've found myself thinking that I understand Mario had to go "early" but why so soon? Maybe god or whatever thing who took him away could wait, maybe 2 or 3 years, giving us the opportunity to get married, to travel out of the country, live together, I don't know... Is it to ask too much? Just the opportunity to share just a little bit more? I have no life now, as Jake, Mario was always trying to make me feel happy, trying to make me smile, doing every moment we had perfect just by hugging me or telling me romantic things. Maybe Jake and Mario are hanging out together, watching over us and speaking, drinking some beer and playing some videogames meanwhile they wait for you and me to die, and maybe when we arrive we will be dress up as brides and they will be on a super hot suit, looking more handsome than ever, and we will our dreams come true "in there". Dreaming is free, is it? I know is a childlike thought.... People will ALWAYS try to invalidate your grief, 'cause they don't know, they don't understand. Here, we all know how big is your grieve, you love him, more than anyone else in the world, what other people say, it doesn't matter...
  3. GhostofLight, I feel your anger, in all this process we need to blame someone, Mario died because he was in a hurry and didn't take care of himself and the tragedy happened, I can't blame him, not me, not his parents, but I can blame god... It is ironic because people come around to say things like: "god wanted Mario because he is a good person", or "god didn't take away Mario from you, because Mario belong to god, he is not yours..." and I wonder how people can not see how selfish and egocentric is god, he takes away what "he likes" and doesn't care about us... Everyday the anger grows stronger and I might understand what you are feeling, and it sucks
  4. HI Nicole, same here, nights are the worst part of the day for me, here it's 1:22 am and I feeling sad, hopeless, etc, etc, but not sleepy, it seems it is going to be a looong night for me. How to handle judgment? Ignoring it, today is a painful day for me because I met Mario on July 23th, 2016, one year ago, our story began and end up in less than a year, so people tend to say: "it was too short, you will move on soon....", I just agreed and walked away, because I know people, I know you know people who have been in a relationship for years -even married- and they DON'T love each other, they don't even respect each other, and people judge only by the time, not the quality. People will find the way to judge you: because you grief too much or not enough, because the relationship was too long or too short, because you take your relationship privately or you posted everything on social networks. And you need that in your mind, if you know you love him and he loved you back in the same way, that's all you need to know. Love is not measured by time, but by moments, respect, experiences, joy, laughs, intimacy, hugs, kisses... My biggest dream was "my wedding day", seeing Mario's face, his smile, dressed up, I can still see it on my mind, and only person who knew about this was Mario -and now you- he knew me better than anyone and I knew him better than his brothers and his friends, we trust each other, and that's love, find out the person who can open you like a book, read you, see you and not judge you, that's true love. True love is not about time
  5. Andy, your pain is palpable, every time I read what you wrote I feel your pain, I wish I could take it away. I also wish I could answer all your questions but I keep asking some alike questions to myself, I wonder how I am suppose to "keep going", today my dad came closer and told me that I needed to "start over" and I told that I knew, the thing is even knowing that I have to start doing things, I have no reason to do it. Before Mario came into my life I lived because "that's what people do: living" when I met Mario I found my reason to life and dream, now that he is gone I have nothing, no one to make proud, no one to share success with, I have no one... Last Thursday I went to a walk with Mario's family, when we arrived my first thought was: Mario should be here, looking at this beautiful place, holding my hand. There was a beautiful place, but there wasn't beauty for me, 'cause what made my experiences something worth living was Mario, so I understand when you said: "She's supposed to be here", yeah they suppose to be here with us, living, sharing, being happy, enjoying, holding us... I wish I could tell you something that might bring some peace to your heart, but we both know the only thing who could bring us some peace and hope are our love ones, but they went away to a place we can't hug them or kiss them. This is the place we went, Mario deserved to know that place, but it seems life didn't allow it
  6. Mario left almost 2 months ago and I'm still wishing he will came back, I dont know how, but a part of me is hoping this bad moment "to end" but I keep telling to myself to focus in reality, thinking that "they'll come back" is not helpful, it give us the fake illusion of "relieve" or "consolation" but I try to keep my mind in reality even knowing reality is an awful place to live without Mario. Some nights are worst than other, and the worst ones hit me with the feeling of hopelessness, nothings helps, I just fall into this black whole who is hurting so much but leaves me alive to go through every day carrying all this sadness, friend, it wont get easier, it will never be easy. Cry, scream and hit the wall if you need to We are here for you
  7. I do believe signs are real, sometimes we are capable to see them, it all depends how open is your heart to listen up and understand what the universe is trying to say, if you felt deep inside your heart it is a sing, it probably is, so, keep listen up your heart and it will guide you through the real meaning.
  8. Kylie I am so sorry about your loss. It is really heartbreaking to see what you had been going through, life is unfair and we can't do much to change it, my boyfriend died almost 2 months ago of a sudden death so I might understand your pain (he was only 26 years old, I am 25 years old). If you still can go to Japan, go and share time with his family and friends and stay in touch with them, support is key while going into the process of grieving. For those people who are telling you "you will find another love", don't listen to them, is not the time to think about that, I am sure you loved your boyfriend deeply, and I am strongly sure you will love him forever, just walk away from that, when Mario died a lot of people came closer to say exactly the same: "he was just a boyfriend...", "you are young you will find another man", "you will move on..." and it was so painful, carrying all the pain of the loss and people saying that kind of things, because he was not "just a boyfriend", and we don't "move on" we learn how to live with it, how to handle the pain, but he will be always in your heart and thoughts. Don't think about time, that only bring up anxiety, live today and take one day at a time, and yes future looks such a lonely, dark place, we don't need that in our hearts, keep yourself living today, don't think about tomorrow. We are here for you
  9. It seems that we share some things: Mario and I took our relationship privately as well, no because there was something bad about it, but we were so busy having fun, creating new and beautiful moments together that we didn't have time to make it "public", I didn't met two of his aunts who worked with him because they weren't important for him -actually most of the time both of them were pissed him off- so I knew about them because they caused a lot of troubles in Mario's life, in the funeral they came close and told me that they have had finally meet me, but I wasn't happy knowing how mean they were with Mario. So most of the time Mario and I were together loving each other and trying to make our own perfect world forgetting about everything and everyone else. I have Mario's family as a support as well but they are taking this "privately" I guess, since everyone take grieve differently, they are just trying not to think about it or speak about it because it hurts so much, and if that works for them its ok. For me, I need to speak about Mario constantly, say what happened over and over again has been like a "therapy" to accept it. It is good to know your friend is there with you.
  10. Yes I feel the same, the only one I want close is Mario, but he is gone =( be patient some people might get close to you and will try to say something to make you feel better, but half wont help at all and the other half will say just stupid things, more than once people came closer to say me: "don't worry he is just your boyfriend, you will move on and find another man", I just agreed and walked away, do not give them any importance. If you need to stay alone and you feel good, that's ok, but always keep your family close, they help a lot, because even if they don't understand your pain they are suffering for seeing you in pain. I wish I could tell you that it is going to be easy, but it is not, every day is a challenge because you feel and remember different things every day, will be good days, I haven't had one in a while so it might come soon, but mostly there are bad days, and then the worst ones. You're so song, don't overthink about future, that might be overwhelming, keep your mind on today and only today, tomorrow, next week, next month, it is unknown places, don't think about it, just focus on going through "today".
  11. We all need different thing during the time of grieve, so maybe you need to go back to work as quickly as you can to keep your mind busy, I needed to stay at home so here I am, what is important is what feels good for you. None of us thought we had yo say good bye so soon, Mario was only 26, but I think all of us think there will be always "so soon" because we don't want to lose our love one. We are strongly attached to the physical presence so it is the harder part of all of this, I want to be hugged by Mario, kiss him, feel him, and he is gone and it breaks me down, it is painful. Accept all the love and support, we need it, so take it and appreciate it, it's a blessing.
  12. We had to move all Mario's stuff out of the house 4 days after he died because the rent was already over, was shocking for me, We spent there so much time and memories and it is hard to go through that process, his bed and clothes is what causes the biggest impact. At least the first day try not to go all alone. In grieving nothing is easy, days might be harder as time goes by, and the remaining questions are: "why he?" "why now?", but is "normal", i think, I don't know We will be here for you, keep posting, please let us know how your days are going
  13. Nicoleashley94 I am so sorry about your loss, you came to the right place, all of us are struggling with the lost of a love one, I lost my boyfriend so soon -he was only 26 years old and I am 25- so I might understand what you said about not many people of our age haven't go through this. Yes, most of the time we feel helpless and hopeless, is "normal" grieving is a painful process so we will be into the saddest feelings ever, what helps? Not much, for me taking one day at a time is what I am doing and I have survive so far. Cry as much as you need, do what feels good your, maybe taking a walk or going out with some friend to clear up your mind, try not to overthink, it is ok to think about it but don't rush over what happens. Loneliness is part of this journey, we can avoid it, if you need stay close with his family and yours. But in my case I like to be alone... Regular routine now looks like a complete challenge, waking up, getting up, taking a shower, eat, sleep, all of this things become a daily struggle, take baby steps, go easy on yourself. Time is our only ally, go easy and time will teach how to handle the pain, because we don't "move on" pain will be always whit us since we lose our soulmate, so eventually we just get used to the pain and learn how lo live with this. It will never be easy, dates, memories, and places will bring up tears, the greater the love the harder the grieve. We are here for you
  14. You realize how marvelous is all of this? If I had a male I'll never think of give him a flower as a present, and between all the flowers she could choose, she choose the sunflower, I am jealous and not it a bad way, but have you realize how many events and thoughts happen before that sunflower came to you? Look I was hesitating about "signals" and thinks alike, but this, this is out of words... Omg... Sweetbear she is with you, she did all of this for you, and I am amazed. She is making you happy even after she passed away. And I am happy for you because this is wonderful.
  15. Azipod I am so sorry about your loss, when I lost my boyfriend almost 8 weeks ago was my first familiar death as well, and it could the third or fourth because it will be always hard, loosing your love one is losing yourself in the process as well. Family support is the best kind of support, they love you so even if the don't understand what you are going through they will be there for you, even when you are moody, they will get closer just to let you know they are there for you. Cry as much as you need, scream, break a glass, do what you need to do and what feels good for you. You will see that sometimes you need to be surrounded by people and the second after you will have the need to completely alone, and thats ok, will be good days, bad days and worst days, so appreciate them all because even the worst ones because it helps to take out all the anger and tears and the good ones you can do something to honor your wife like going to her favorite restaurant or whatever you need to do. As you say, pain will always remains, but it is easier to say it, every day is a struggle, and nothing good will come out of this so just take one day at a time.