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Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
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Ka9219

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  • Content count

    233
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About Ka9219

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    Costa Rica
  • Loss Type
    Boyfriend
  • Angel Date
    26/06/2017
  1. My sister, TooDevastated

    This is so hard to believe, I felt connected with her in the way we were handling our grieve and several other things about our lives, I wish I could say something worth saying but truth is this is very sad, my heart is crying and I feel the sadness of a loss one more time, even if I've been apart from the forum, still you are my family and I know toodesvastaded feel in the same way She is now free from the pain and grieve, and even if her boyfriend was not the best for her, she loves him badly and now they are reunited, TooDevastated sister, we know your pain and sadness but don't blame yourself, it is not your fault, there is no way you couldn't know what she was thinking and doing, she was an adult and she made decisions, even if the pain is enormous, keep in your heart the peace that she is where she wanted to be, I know it sounds hard to handle, but she told us what she wanted the most and she wanted to join her boyfriend in heaven. I know she is happy with her boyfriend now Peace for you and your family
  2. A place for pain.... and suffering.

    Yes, I was thinking the same, I was like: I can't believe it, she is a goddess she can save him, come on! Do something!!!!! Now it seems we have a superhero with can connect with
  3. A place for pain.... and suffering.

    Hi KayC, is nice to see you are back, I read a book called "The Shack" by Willian Paul Young it is about a father who loss his child and he talks to god about it, it's pretty good for those who believe in god.
  4. A place for pain.... and suffering.

    Is nice to know someone understand me, because at the end I cried so bad. I know is silly but it's "funny" to see even a goddess couldn't save the one she loves.
  5. Been nine months. Not doing well.

    Well we all have different ways to make through this, alcohol, feeding habits, junk food, cigarettes, all of them are equally dangerous for our health, but I am not judging anyone, because we all look for ways to make the pain lesser, I know deep inside in our hearts we are just trying to accelerate "our time" with bad decisions and not healthy habits. If you want to do it, do it, it might help, it might not but do it if you want to
  6. A place for pain.... and suffering.

    That was heart touching, I mean, they are honoring your wife without knowing her, that's really kind and sweet. Is nice to know people out there, without knowing us are doing so much for us, Mario was a big fan of Terry Crews and now I try to keep up with news and post about him, as you said, are little things that bring us little drops of hope and maybe "happiness". Knowing someone for what we both liked is amazing, we didn't need to "make couple time", we just get together to enjoy the things we liked as individuals, and been able to share what we like together made it amazing, we connected so much and in so many ways thanks to the video games, movies and all this stuff, working together as a team, sharing thoughts are crazy theories, improve so we can play together all we wanted it was amazing, maybe that's why this is so hard now, doing everything you liked with the person you love and now been alone... is like everything becomes meaningless. Haha, since the Trailer of Kingsmen was released I knew I wanted to see it with him and we spent a lot of time talking about crazy theories of The Last Jedi, actually the last weekend we spent together we both were excited about Wonder Woman, we were waiting to buy tickets of Wednesday to watch it together, sadly, it never happened, I saw the movie alone in my room like 3 weeks ago and I cried almost all movie and the end was heart breaking for me.
  7. A place for pain.... and suffering.

    That's exactly how I feel, I feel I am in the middle of the sea, sometimes it turns out wild sometimes is calm, but we are always swimming with the hope of finding something or someone to hold on to. And even if I try to "make my best" and try to think in a positive way is hard to face our reality, nothing good or easy comes out from this situation, the more I try the more I realized this is an endless path of a lot of pain, I wish I could find motivation or as people say: living in the way he would like for me, this is pointless, I mean, he wanted a lot of things, our happiness mainly, definitely he didn't want to die so it doesn't depend on what he wanted or what he wants. Well since Mario died I am not sure in what I believe, certainly there is something "divine" out there but not sure what it is or how it works, because for me it doesn't make any sense to see how good people go through bad situations, Mario deserved a life of joy, happiness, a big family, has a long life but it wasn't possible, so I don't what is out there, about our time, I don't know either, let's say I can not disagree with any theory because all of them are equally possible, and none of them bring me any consolation
  8. Been nine months. Not doing well.

    Hi Donna, well I feel that I understand you in so many ways, when Mario was at the hospital I wondered one day, what would happen if the worse thing happen? I never, ever imagine this could affect me in this way, I am not saying that I was expecting to be good after three months, but today I see myself crawling from one day to another, my heart is filled with anger, agony and sadness, I am not even able to recognize myself, I am always looking for something that make me feel "better" so I am constantly eating chocolate -I know this sounds silly but chocolate itself and all the sugar it contains brings a "fake sensation of wellness"- and I tried to laugh at dumb things so I can feel a little less miserable. I was expecting to start to feel "better" by this time -I am in the fourth month- and as you said the nightmare is over because it becomes my reality, nothings helps much, I went to see a psychic two weeks after Mario died and I had some answers but it doesn't give me any sort of consolation, as you I am not able to feel him around as other people do, I don't know why, we were so close and love each other so much, I expected to see plenty of signs and have a lot of visitations, maybe I am having them but I am not able to recognize them or I am just refusing to believe in it. Still is good to have some answers to our questions, it's up to you if you want to believe, everything is possible if you are brave enough to believe it.
  9. A place for pain.... and suffering.

    Yes it totally does, I used to spend my free time playing WoW, there is how I meet Mario now I can not even play or open battle net because I feel that part of me died with him. We loved to be geeks together and watch all the sci-fi and super hero movies together, I really enjoyed and he did as well, now it doesn't bring anything at all to me, no happiness, no excitement, just a lot of tears as you
  10. A place for pain.... and suffering.

    Yesterday I sat down and cried for hours and wonder why I was going through this? If I made something bad in a past life I was really sorry but I think nothing is bad enough to deserve this amount of pain and suffering. I have to say that I don't cry as much as I used to, maybe because I don't want to worry my parents but I wish I could be free to cry as much as I need to and not "worrying" anyone, I just want to be free in my feelings, let them go out and not having someone telling me if that's good or bad. All I want is Mario, I love my parents but I only want Mario, I want all my happiness and all my dreams with him back. I get so sad to look at them holding hands, joking around, it's also hard to see my sister with her husband going out, kissing, loving each other, with their baby, they have so much and I have nothing.
  11. A place for pain.... and suffering.

    Some things are out of our comprehension , it makes me wonder if "our time" is already given and we can not do nothing to avoid, I always think in the amount of bad things that happened the day of the accident and it seems it was unavoidable, of course it doesn't bring me any peace or consolation.
  12. A place for pain.... and suffering.

    You tell me, a couple of days ago our country classified for the World Soccer Cup and everyone at home was so happy and yelling because they were excited and they went to the park to celebrate and I just felt like crap because I can not share all that happiness, and they give me this "pity look" and I hate I don't want people to feel pity I just want to be respected, if they don't understand it is OK, but I don't want a 24/7 psychologist on my bed asking me how I feel if it is obvious that I feel like sh*t. I understand you I also lost the love of my life, for me everything is moving so fast around and I am the one who is frozen. I also hate a lot of about this situation I am getting more and more exhausted, the pain is restless everything is a trigger, even if I try to go back to the old me I smash myself with memories and thoughts that bring me back to this reality in which I am miserable without him. We shared so much and as he left me everything was also taken away, there is nothing left for me in here. It might sound silly but today came out the Stars Wars Trailer and I was such a big fan and today I saw it and I didn't feel a single drop of excitement because all I could think was the theories we discuss together about the movie, also I was watching the Justice League Trailer and watching at Flash totally break my heart because he was his favorite super hero so what brought me once excitement and happiness now only brings pain and agony.Life is not what once was
  13. A place for pain.... and suffering.

    I have to say I'd love to reach that point, I am thinking to moving alone, so I don't have to say hello or "good morning" to anyone, if I want to cry I could cry if I feel upset I won't have to hide it. But it is easier said than done, I have to wait until I can find a decent job and find a place, as Mario died suddenly I didn't had to pretend to be strong, but I imagine than going into a situation where you are the responsible one, give you some sort of strength, maybe we will never now where it comes from but I think is love itself, we loved them so much that makes us do the most unbelievable things. Your words are kind but I don't see myself as a girl of "good heart" I am just trying to avoid more pain to all the weight I have over my shoulders
  14. A place for pain.... and suffering.

    Oh well, I am from Costa Rica, here the Emergency system is terrible, they called the 911 and after 5 minutes they return the call to say there was no Red Cruise's Ambulance nearby so they were sending the Firefighters' Ambulance, and as they notify so late it take 5 more minutes to respond, plus even if some people was there no one was capable of doing CPR while the Ambulance was coming, it's more a cultural and social problem and everything together ended up in a death, a young man of only 26 years old died because no one knew how to help him and the emergency system worked in the worst possible way as it could. But it's pointless to blame, it only adds pain and anger to the grieve. I don't know what to do without him neither, I wonder what's life expecting of me.
  15. A place for pain.... and suffering.

    Well you are lucky because I pretend to be fine for my parents, mostly for my dad, he is not handling good my depression so I try to "look good" so he is not constantly asking me why or trying to fix me, is easier to me to pretend than to explain or be responsible for my parents sadness.
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