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About Ka9219

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

Profile Information

  • Gender
  • Location
    Costa Rica
  • Loss Type
  • Angel Date
  1. Third month

    Well KMB, I don't know if I talk about this before in the forum, in my first days with the psychologist, I was telling her how miserable I felt and how high were the probabilities I would feel the same the rest of my life because of my personality, because I tend to be pessimist even depressive! So I told her I had no the courage to "kill myself" but I wanted to died, so she told me we hard to work hard together because there was also a sort of "psychological suicide". I feel that's exactly what's happening with me, I live because I have to, so I eat, sleep, wake up, take a shower, but my willing to live, to dream and to accomplish is death, it died with Mario... as eagle say there is not possible treatment for this terminal condition, and we are forced -somehow- to live carrying this pain and suffering!! This is so unfair
  2. Third month

    At this point I don't care if it is a painful death, I just want this to be over
  3. Third month

    Well I don't find this macabre neither disturbing, I think most of us had thought about it at least once. Daily I think I don't want to live a life without Mario, I feel so empty and sad, I feel almost I've been punished by keep living in a reality where he is gone... If I could choose I'll be resting with him
  4. Third month

    The funny think is that I thought the same, and as @TooDevastated said, I wish I could give my life instead of one of those who died due the Hurricane, still, thinking about all the death and devastation the hurricane is causing bring me so much pain, thinking about all the families. husbands and wives who are burying someone today because a catastrophe took someone important away. I wish I could stop the suffering in the world, no more widows, no more widowers, or at least until both of them have lived a long a happy life together, no tragedy, no sudden deaths, no terrible diseases. This path is so cruel, no one deserve to be going through this. I've see so many good people, who deserve to keep living next to his waive of his husband.
  5. A desperate wish...

    Sunflower, how unfair is life, isn't it? I wish I could tell you one day this wish will come true, I've asked the same as well, but our reality is beyond of being a fairy tail. I remember about a quote that says: Reality always superpasses fiction. Yes reality could be sadder and colder than any horror story. I understand the pain and the sorrow, I've dreamed about touching one more time his face, to smell his essence, to kiss his lips. I wish I could said something worth telling but I found myself in the same struggle, wishing I could be one more minute in his physical presence, but after a minute I'll want another minute and then another more, and it will never stop, because what I really wanted is to spend my whole life next to him, taking care of each other, loving each other. I keep constantly wondering why and why and why, but there is no answer, and it seems it will never be. Hang in there, I know this is hard, I am going through the same, is not easy, it will never be. But you are not alone, his soul is with you and to carry the weight in life we are also here for you.
  6. Third month

    Firstwaslast, your words touched my heart deeply, you explained it better that I could ever do it. I think the pain is now changing, is deeper, most constant is settling in a bitter way inside me, now I can't see the things as I used to see it, because the "color" turns out gray, I don't now If I am expressing me clear enough, without him the world seems so worthless, smiling and laughing are only circumstantial events, but happiness is a luxury that was taken away from me since he died. I don't want to be dramatic or overreact, but the wight of reality drys out all my energy and strength. I also "dream" about he would be there in the hospital recovering, doing well, waiting for the moment I could get him home and take care of him until he is fully recovered, but it is only silly dreams, wishes that vanish as the reality hits me. As you said, time is "different" because we have been here only 3 -4 for you- months without them, it is a really short period of time, we can not pretend the pain will lesser in only months, but every single day goes slowly and bleak without them. I am tired to pretend, I am not interested in talking, having a good time, sharing with people, I just want to do what is necessary and then go back to sleep. I rather be alone as well, and the problem is that I expected too much from certain people, at this point I don't care anymore about them. I have my family and they have been supportive with me. I understand you, I'd like to die as well, I wont hurt myself but I also think about the possibilities of dying and get reunited with him. Thank you for your words, it is nice to know we are not alone in this.
  7. Plans

    We will get used to this, it is funny because last time my mother was talking with my mother in law, she said she saw me as a daughter but she understands I have to "move on", it broke my heart, because I don't know what did she means with it; I won't NEVER move on, I might move forward, but it will be a process of years, and I want them to understand that Mario will be always part of me, and as a consequence, all the good and sad memories, I wish I could be "selective" about what I recall, but memories goes and comes as they please, the good ones and the bad ones. It is really good you can listen to his voice, we used to talk by whatsapp during the day, and he was always sending voice messages, and I don't feel ready to listen his voice yet, I wish I could, so many of those voice messages says wonderful and sweet things. I know how it feels, I can't get distracted either, is so hard for me to find a moment of "peace".
  8. Plans

    I have to see it daily, my older sister, she has a nice a house, lives with his partner and has a beautiful baby, she is only 4 years older than me, so I wonder, why I couldn't experience the same she is living? Right now I am not sure about anything, my faith and believes are vanishing, but I still think and believe our souls are our immortal part and they had lived many lives in the past. I also wondered what I did so wrong to deserve this?
  9. Third month

    Yes, the best replay in that situation is not replaying, we can explain ourselves but they wont understand. We might see people out there walking, going to work, eating, but nobody knows what are they -and we- carrying inside our hearts, my mother in law once told me: yes I go out, I go to eat with my family, but people don't know that I am doing all of this with pain!! So accurate, we are in pain, and only us know how hard it feels
  10. Plans

    I "pray" the same every night: "I miss you, come back or take me away with you" And say it a thousand more times if you need to, we are here for you because we understand the pain and we don't want to talk with anybody... What should I say? or why should I talk? I am not here anymore to please anyone, I am bad, and sad and people should respect that.
  11. Plans

    Hi Kylie, I understand you, I really do. My situation is like yours, I ended up my College last years and for this year my plans were to find a job and move with Mario, so I am not working at the moment. I am also on my third month, every day is harder, every day I feel more sad and depressed, and I try to keep myself busy, doing some things at home, taking my mum wherever she needs to go, taking care of my bunnies, watching series, and last Monday I started to look for a job, but even if I try yo keep myself busy there is no way I can get distracted, my mind and my thoughts are always on Mario and the accident and in the time on the hospital, recalling hurtful things and is hard for me to focus. I had exactly the same thought: I didn't want a job yet because I didn't felt ready, I don't want to burst into tears in the middle of coworkers, I don't want to explain myself over and over again and mostly I don't want people judging me. Plans? What for?, I am always wondering why do I have to make a "new plan", I don't want to, I don't feel motivated I don't have a purpose, I know I can not depend on my parents my entire life, but my future seems so dark, as dark as the place I am now, I am more tired that I was yesterday. I've read distractions is good for us, but at this point I don't know if something can really help me.
  12. Don't know where to turn

    Hi, I am so sorry for your lost, I can understand you very well because I've never had close friends and grieving alone is a terrible -extra- weight to carry, sometimes our relatives can not understand what are we going through, it is difficult to understand how hard can be carrying the death of our love one if we don't live it in our own. Luckily you find us, here we can support you and let you know that the feelings of sadness are OK while you are grieving. Sadness, loneliness, hopelessness and more feelings are now settling into our lives, is part of the process and we all know is not easy. Words are never enough and there is no word that can make us feel better, is an unbearable pain, tears will be our partner for a long time and only time will make us feel that we are able to handle all this tragedy and the bad feelings. Take one day at a time, and if it is too much, take on hour at a time, don't desperate looking into the future, is only a cruel way to hurt ourselves. Always be patient on yourself.
  13. Third month

    Chasisdope, I can't thank you enough for being there for me, is somehow good to know that in here people understand what we are feeling, the pain and the loneliness, is sad to feel this hole in our existence and we will nothing or nobody will ever filled, part of us also died and is hard to make others understand how is living like this, without our soulmate earth is such a lonely place to live. I am constantly saying his name, and people look at me with pity, I kind of sad because sometimes I am saying good things and nice memories, and they always are feeling "pit", as you said they don't know, they don't understand, but I encourage you to keep telling his name, it is ok, they are real for us Hugs
  14. I'm back with a new fear

    Hi Maddie, M88 and KMB gave you a immediate really good advice. If I were you I wouldn't come back to that school, I am easily triggered by places and I know myself good enough to know I wont make, I'll be crying constantly distracted thinking about the memories and in the "What if" and "How it would be if". But I understand if you wanted to stay because of your friends, use them as a support, if you need to cry excuse yourself and walk out to the classroom and cry as much as you need. Do the teachers know about your situation? If not, they should know, you are now facing a total change in your life, so if they know they can give the space and the chance to take care of yourself when you need to. I think we all here have talk about how people don't understand us, and it is because they have never been through this on their own skin. One month is a really short period of time, is too recent, the memories of the tragedy are still "fresh" and still the pain and sadness are overwhelming for you. It doesn't mean they don't love, they are there for you and worrying about you, I know is bad time to be patient with someone else when we are in so much need of support and love, always keep in mind that this is real for you, your relationship, your love and sadly the tragedy. "This" is a tragedy, you lost your boyfriend, the love of your life and your soulmate, you have to be patient with yourself, I wish I could tell you that at any time this will be better, but it is a process and it will take time. Is really mature from you to know that the best way to cope with this is looking some ways to keep your mind busy, of course school will help and also exercise, it is confirmed that exercising is good fighting back sadness. My best advice? Be patient with yourself.
  15. New

    Micky I am sorry about your losses, I can't imagine the pain is overwhelming after losing two important persons in your live, I wish I could say something good enough in order to make you feel better, but we both now the pain is to much and no words are capable to take it away. I know the loneliness you are talking about, not only your wife and your daughter, but also your "friends", it is hard to understand why they "don't care" or at least they "don't show they care", but sadly, they don't understand what you are feeling the unbearable sadness, the pain and the daily struggle of keep living without them. I think we also expect so much from them, we are in need of so much love, attention and support and maybe they can not understand we need so much of them, and mostly, since they haven't deal with death they don't know what to say or how to react when we are grieving. I know sometimes life seems meaningless, people said that one day we might found a little of peace and a way to handle the pain, always be patient with you, it is still too recent and you know you are still hurting, try to avoid drinking, is only harder when you "come back to reality", smoking is not good either but people says it calms you -I don't know because I've never smoke- but please, you said your "elder daughter" passed away, it means you have one or more daughters/sons left, used them as your support, support each other because family is what we need the most in this dark times.