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Kathy27

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  • Content count

    9
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About Kathy27

  • Rank
    Newbie

Profile Information

  • Gender
  • Loss Type
    Father and essentially mother
  • Angel Date
    April 23, 2017

Converted

  • Occupation
    Mother and full time student
  • Last Name
    Pickel
  • First Name
    Kathy
  • Zip
    37620
  1. I can sympathize with what these posts are saying. My dad died on April 23rd. And I am so mad at the world. Especially my fiancé. On the fourth day after his death. I reached out to him for support and all he wanted to do was argue with me. I kept telling him that my dad is dead please stop I can't take anymore. He kept pushing until I lost it. I tried to kill myself. Now it's been a little over a month. And it's like he expects me to just get over it. We actually just got into an argument and when I told him that he was not being supportive and the day I tried to kill myself he kept pushing me he called me a righteous bitch. I'm sorry I have never been emotionally stable and he knew this when he decided he wanted to be with me. So what does he think all this stress on top of loosing my dad is doing to me. Do I not deserve a little bit of extra support from him right now. According to him yes my dad died it's sad I'm suppose to just get over it. Maybe other people can just move on from this but I can't. And I'm about to say if he don't like it then maybe I just need to go through this alone.
  2. Anger

    I am so mad I just want to scream. Why is that I can't catch a break anywhere. I just lost my dad...barely been a month. Some stuff happened and now I can't talk to my mom either. And even when I could.... it's like I'm not aloud to loose my ****. I'm not aloud to break down. I'm not aloud to scream and cry. I'm not aloud to be moody. What the **** I just lost both my parents my world is falling apart do I not deserve a little slack. But no... No one has bothered to ask if I am ok. Do I need anything. Nothing. Like I'm suppose to just carry on like nothing happened, everything is normal. My life is never going to be ok again and I still haven't even grasped that concept. I've already tried to kill myself once. What have I done so wrong for everyone in my life to betray me and turn their backs on me the same week my dad died. The only person (besides my daughter who is only five) that I have left is my boyfriend and I feel like that's going to end eventually. Maybe it's just me thinking that because there is no real reason. But I just don't understand I can't catch a break from him either. I've never been one to expect sympathy because I am a firm believer in if a person does something then they deserve the punishment but ****. And today he got mad at me because I mad plans with a friend to go to the splash pad with my daughter, her son, and two young boys she is baby sitting. He said why don't u take '***** which is his 15 yr old from his previous marriage. He was staying home to work on my car. I had asked if he wanted to go or if it was ok that I went or if he wanted me to stay home. Ok for one his ex wife doesn't even want me around her so I didn't think I was aloud. Plus his daughter has already made comments about him being stuck up my ass so I was trying to give them space. But when he said why don't I take her I said she hates me she isn't going to want to go plus there isn't room in the car. We already had two kids sharing a seat belt. He has given me the silent treatment since won't answer the phone and texted and said we need to talk in person. Can't even reply when I say I love u. What the ****... can someone explain this to me. I just want to say fine u wanna act like a child then maybe we need to reconsider this relationship cause I don't need this bull ****. I love him I do and I want to be with him but I don't need this bs right now. Why can he not grow up. U want to be with me but u can't even tell me u love me over something so small. Which I have yet to figure out.
  3. Suicide Threats

    Being that I suffer with severe depression and anxiety with frequent suicidal thoughts I would like to offer a kind word. Every situation is different so my words are based on personal knowledge. I had to want help before any thing would help. And medicine is not necessarily the answer. Meds helped me for awhile but did not keep me from having episodes. And I've had some meds make it 100 times worse. I've done better recently with no meds. When I get to that dark place in my mind distraction is what helps the most. Talk about anything that is not related to the issue. Just the sound of my boyfriends voice. He could sing twinkle twinkle and it would help. Ive had three hour long panick attacks where all I wanted to do was find a knife. Nothing has to happen to set me off. It just happens and I can't control it. And even worse sometimes nothing helps. Sometimes I just have to let it out. It is a hard thing to deal with. And the shame and guilt only make it worse. And I know that it is frustrating to be on the other side because I've been there as well.
  4. I'm so sorry for your loss. Personally I have struggled with suicidal thoughts for 15 yrs. I have worked hard to over come this but the loss of my dad and the actions of my mother has brought my world crumbling down around me. I tried to kill myself the week he died. I had to get 5 stitches. The nurse said she could see the tissue I cut so deep. When I was arrested they put me on suicide watch. I was kept from my 5 yr old for an entire week. who I have never been away from for more than one night. They wouldn't let me call and check on her. I was butt naked in a cold cell with nothing but a tear proof smock. I had to bed for water or to shower. This is not the place for a person who is suicidal because it only makes it worse. I have continued to have these thoughts. And then I feel guilt when I look at my daughter because I know I'm all she has. No one understands not even my boyfriend or therapist.
  5. You can rant to me any time. I have no one to vent to so I know how it can help just to let it out. I just started working with a therapist and he said basically the same thing. That it is perfectly fine to feel whatever I am feeling. Not to let anyone tell me how to feel just allow myself to feel it. If I want to be mad then be mad if I need to cry then cry. I personally am mad at everyone around me because they act like I don't have the right to break down. Or I'm not aloud to just be mad for no reason and not have someone hold it against me. I hope your husband is being supportive my boyfriend isn't... My mother only disowned me. She is stuck up my sisters butt. They are even trying to get a lawyer to cut me out of the will. I know I never should have smacked my mom but I blacked out. I didn't even know I had done it and still don't remember doing it. And not that I'm trying to say it was right but I feel like she deserved it. I tried to kill myself and she told me to leave and never come back then I smacked her. I just don't understand and they have not only disowned me but my 5 yr old daughter as well. I've had some strong moments especially when I first got out of jail. The past two weeks I've felt broken. I feel so lost and helpless. I feel like I need to wake up from a nightmare.
  6. Relationship Vs Grief

    Hello, I had a boyfriend that lost his mom. Our relationship was new and so I feared what would happen also. He completely pushed me away and shut me out. I felt jealous because I could not be there for him the way his family could. I was also selfish because I wanted to be the one to take his pain away. After time things did settle down and he came around. But speakingg from the other side because I just lost my dad and also struggle with severe depression. I don't know if these are the same feelings your boyfriend is having because everyone is different. I felt a lot of numbness and still do. It is easier to not feel at all then to deal with the pain. I catch myself pushing him away when I need him the most. Like last night I told him I wanted to go home but really I was having suicidal thoughts and did not need to be alone and just wanted him to hold me while I broke down inside. Also he was very stand off ish the week after my dad passed. At this time I don't think he really knew how to act. I was being moody and it was causing tension and all I could say was my dad is dead. He backed off and I actually tried to kill myself. And to make it worse I kinda blame him now for not being more supportive. My problem is a lot of the time I say the opposite of what I actually need from him. I'm not saying this is what your boyfriend is doing. I would give him some space but also let him know you are there. Maybe you could ask if you could stop by for a minute. I feel like putting it that way instead of "do you want me to stop by" would be easier on him because he may not know what he wants or needs from you right now. Then you could just see how it goes. Completely irrelevant conversations that aren't about my dad or the relationship are what help me the most. But the silence kills me. Stay strong for him. Be patient. And don't hold it against him if he lashes out. I've been doing that a lot. Sometimes I feel like screaming and going off would help me release some of the pain but unfortunately I can't do that. I hope something I said helps you in your difficult time and thanks for listening.
  7. Hello, I am going to counseling. Unfortunately I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety about 4 1/2 years ago. I have suicidal that's all the time anyway. And all this going on is taking a tole on me. And with the anxiety it is hard for me to be able to talk to anyone so I just wonder how effective my counseling is going to be. I go to my second session tomorrow so we will see. I'm not expecting miracles but after seeing a doctor since I was diagnosed and not getting any real results I am not expecting much. But something has to give because I don't want to live like this.
  8. My Dad passed away on April 23rd. He had been sick but I felt he was doing better. He wasn't feeling well Thursday or Friday and his blood pressure bottomed out on Saturday morning. My mom and sister took him to the hospital. My daughter's birthday party was that day and I had company in from out of town and just had a lot going on. I asked for updates every couple hours and they kept telling me there was no news so I didn't go out there. Sunday morning I got the call from my mom that I better get out there if I wanted to see him. I found out the he was a lot worse than what my mom was telling me and I blame her. I stayed with my mom all week. The night before the funeral I lost it. I cut myself pretty bad, so bad the tissue was coming out and I had to get 5 stitches and when my fiancé found out he freaked out and ran straight and told my mom. When she come and demanded to know what was going on I told her to leave me alone. She told me to get my stuff and leave and never come back and not to come to the funeral. While getting my stuff I blacked out and smacked my mom. She called the police. I was arrested. I was held for a week on suicide watch even after my bail was posted. They stripped me naked and put me in a cell with nothing but a tear proof smock. No phone calls, the water didn't work, and I was freezing. They kept saying you could get out at any time and then as the days past I lost hope. The not knowing was horrible. And being away from my daughter who I had never been away from for more than one night. When I got out I found out that my mother and my sister are getting a lawyer to cut me out of he will. They told my fiancé a bunch of lies trying to get him to leave me. My sister packed up all my stuff from my old room and sent it to me and then had my phone turned off. These charges have also effected my career. My mother said that I did not allow her to grieve that I left her to take care of my daughter. I asked her every day if she wanted us there or needed time to herself. The only time she was left with my daughter was when I had to go to school and she refused to let anyone else watch her. I wrote my dad a letter to put in with him and my sister read it and made fun of it. I missed the funeral. I am so mad that my mother turned her back on me like that. Yes I know she is grieving too and maybe she just reacted but that does not explain the actions since. And I am so mad but miss her also. I miss my dad so much. I feel like I am in a nightmare. It's all so surreal. When I was in jail the only way I could cope was to turn my brain off and not think. The next week or two I was mostly busy getting things straightened out. But the past week or two has been torture. I am trying to allow myself to feel the pain so that I do not explode like I did before. But I do not know how to even begin to process. My fiancé is supportive but stand off ish. He doesn't want talk about it, he will listen but I don't feel like he is hearing me. I told him last night I had given up on trying to talk to him. He even said he didn't want to go to the cemetery with me because he didn't want to see me upset. It is not fair that I am not allowed to loose it. Every day the pain gets worse.
  9. Hello, I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I am going through a similar situation . My father passed about a month ago and now my mother and sister...I don't even know how to explain that situation but I haven't spoken to my mother since a few days after dad died and my sister only briefly. I do not want to say I understand because I don't think that anyone completely knows how another person feels. But I can relate to the anger you are feeling towards your mother. My daughter is only 5 and she is crushed by the situation.
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