bela

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  • Content count

    8
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About bela

  • Rank
    Newbie

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    jersey
  • Loss Type
    spouse
  • Angel Date
    4/15
  1. spouse

    Your post, Francine....I was crying so hard... I'm sitting here with the tears just flowing...and no damn tissues. I just want to say for now...thank you. that's all I can get out.
  2. Butterfly, my heart breaks for you. I lost my husband just 2 days prior to your boyfriend. Although a lot of people reached out...people we hadn't seen or talked to in over 15 years!!!....A lot of them, most of them, are now nowhere to be found. I guess some of that is to be expected. But what I'm now realizing is that I was one of those people. Never wanting to 'make' anyone hurt unnecessarily. What hurts unnecessarily is friends and family not coming to your side in your time of need. That being said though, I agree whole-heartedly with Eagle-96 & KMB. People may not know what you need until you tell them. I'm scared of the rest of my life without my husband - but sometimes I want to be alone. I like to putz around in my yard and in my garden but I need help with the weed-whacking. Maybe people should ask but...when I was on the other side of the grief looking in...I didn't. In these few short weeks, I've learned a lot about myself and others. My perspective on things is forever changed. Just as I've been too hard on myself I've also been too hard on others. I can't ask for help. I can't reach out. I have no idea why. I need help. I even want it. But I just can't. I hope you will.
  3. spouse

    Yes! There are people in my life that are telling me, "you're going to cry and people have to accept it." Well of course they have to accept it. It's not like they can stop me. If they could, I'd spend all my time with those people! But, just because something has to be accepted, doesn't change the fact that it's hard for me. It is an extremely vulnerable and awkward position to be in to let people see those raw emotions.
  4. spouse

    I've been reading through some other posts and I'm finding the same words / phases used again and again. I was given a book - Option B, although I'm not far into it at all. It is also about loss (facing adversary and eventually...finding joy)... Same thing in the book. I never noticed that until now. I'm glad your torture is easing up. Although I held it together for most of the day today, but I still can't see this easing up? I never went to bed until after 1am..woke up at 5:30...went to the bathroom and cried. Why? The seat was up. The seat hasn't been up since for the past month and a half. (My daughters boyfriend was here) But really? A toilet?
  5. spouse

    I had a bunch of mini melt downs at work today and big one after work. I can't put into words how much reading and writing, if only momentarily, helps. I hate that anyone even remotely feels like I do. But...it's also uncomfortably comforting to know you all do. That sounds so stupid. I think I am rushing this...or wanting to. I don't want to feel this way. Nobody wants to feel this way. It's absolute torture. I'm not making any kind of conscience decision to fight the grief...but I definitely think I'm trying to control my emotions. Not from having them...just publically showing them. I'm very uncomfortable with sharing intimate feelings with coworkers, acquaintances or even strangers. I think that's why I'm here. I can share that I'm having a hard time. I'm scared of doing life, alone. I'm pissed that I'll never have grandkids to enjoy with my husband. My Dad isn't a phone call away. It's too much. - But here, you can't see all of this. Why that's easier? I have no clue but it's definitely easier to write here then to cry in front of people. Today sucked.
  6. For some reason your post hit me especially hard. I lost my husband and my Dad in the same week. It's horrible. I have 2 kids, too. It's only been a month and a half for me but everything posted here about putting on a face for work, silence in the home, being there for the kids, the emptiness... I wish I had words of wisdom but I all I can say is - I get it. I wish I didn't but I do. I am new here and new trying to deal with all of this but I'm hoping this place helps me. I hope it helps you, too.
  7. spouse

    I have started reading some other posts. It seems I find something in each post that I can relate to. I'm not sure how that makes me feel? It makes my heart break for each and every one of you. I appreciate that this place exists. I don't know if I could 'vent' in person. As it is, I'm typing and wiping tears. In person, I'm just a mess. I can barely get a word out let alone a whole sentence. It's just been a month and a half. Maybe I'm expecting too much to fast? I'm back at work although, I probably shouldn't be. I initially thought keeping my mind busy was working. Maybe it works when it's a mindless task...but to focus and manage and multitask. Not so much. But then what am I supposed to do? I have to pay bills. I have vacation time. What do I do? Stay home with myself, my thoughts? No thank you. But I'm finding that I can't handle work. I can't focus. I'm afraid of who knows and who doesn't. Will they say something about it? God, please no. Will they act like nothing happened? That's almost worse. I feel like I'm existing in this world but everybody else is living and no matter the situation or conversation I'm never going to be part of "them" again. I went for a drive and ended up sitting in my car at a park. I'm watching people and thinking how the hell is life still moving? Why are people laughing? I was actually mad which made me cry because it was such a ridicules thought. My Mom has gone through my Dad's clothes, sorted through bills, turned things off and flipped things into her name. I've done nothing. Not a blessed thing. What is wrong with me? I'm organized. I'm driven. I'm really good at my job. I'm independent. I'm always in control. Now? I feel so lost. I can't shake it off. I miss my husband & Dad terribly. But...I need to be able to function. These constant feelings of grief are consuming every corner of my life. I'm mentally and physically exhausted. In my head I understand it takes time and realistically a month and a half isn't much. But I can't help but feel I should be able to control it...a little....? Yes, I should be able to grieve. Everyone should in there own time, in there own way. But I feel like I can't function and to me...that's like torture on top of this agony.
  8. spouse

    I want to say that I have no words but I have so many. I just can't get them out. People keep asking, "How are you?" I know they probably think I just don't want to talk but I really can't. No sooner do I go to form a word and the emotion swells inside of me like a volcano ready to blow. I really can't... All I can do is cry. I feel frustrated, lonely, mad and sad. I lost my husband April 15th. Then my Dad died. In less than a week, I lost my soulmate and the love of my life. My husband and I were together since we were teens. We separated for some time and fought our way back to each other. He went through so much and when we got back together, he was...again, the man I feel in love with but better. My Dad...through all the good, the bad and everything in-between, was always there. Always helping even when I (thought) I didn't want it. Now they're both gone. I am so lost. My husband was just 52 and my Dad, 75. I'm trying to support my Mom but, every time I see her my heart breaks all over again and I know she sees it. She's trying to support me, but I can see it's too much for her. I know I'm not the only person who's gone through this but I can't stop feeling that 47 is too young to be a widow. As horrible as this may sound...I try to remind myself that there are people who have lost their whole families - that I should be grateful for the time I had. But then I think how stupid that sounds. Grateful? How can I be grateful? Someone asked me, "Is this your first loss?" I keep thinking about that. What did she mean? Am I handling this badly? Were all losses like this? Should I have built up some kind of immunity with past losses? I'm sure that nothing was meant by it...but then why? I want to get control of my emotions. If only while in public...I can't even do that. I cry in the drug store, at work...at the bank...everywhere. People tell me it's normal. There is nothing normal about this. I feel fine for 15 minutes...then out of nowhere, I don't. It sucks. It hurts. It is so hard. It takes time?...I can't imagine EVER feeling normal again. I can't get out of my head. It's like I'm on overdrive. I can't turn my thoughts off...but yet I can't focus on anything.