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Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
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    • ModKonnie

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bela

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About bela

  • Rank
    Member

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    New Jersey
  • Loss Type
    Husband
  • Angel Date
    4/15/17

Recent Profile Visitors

108 profile views
  1. I just want this pain to stop

    I would imagine this is true for a lot of us. When my husband was here, chores, tasks, errands were 50/50 - 60/40, even 70/30. Now they are 100%. Sure, let's all get out of the house more often. I must tell myself 50 times a day...He means well...She saying that from a good place...But their best intentions sometimes hurt.
  2. Vent

    This is so true. I had no clue what a bad day actually was. Although I am completely dumbfounded that no one shares this. I understand that you can't understand unless you experience a loss but I remember losing my Grandparents, my Uncle, friends... I really don't recall ever seeing or hearing anything remotely close to what I am...what we all here are experiencing. The other day in the restaurant, I could not get out fast enough. Crying in the line of sight of all those people...it was horrible. But why? It's how I feel. Why do we hide it? Why is it...this taboo subject? People don't understand. They couldn't possibly. I know I didn't. But...if it wasn't so taboo, if it was talked about, if we saw it...maybe I'd at least feel less isolated? I don't know. I'm so tired. I wish I could just turn off my brain.
  3. I just want this pain to stop

    I just posted how this weekend was horrible. How I question everything and how everything is anything but normal. Then I read your post. My heart goes out to you because I get it. Work - So wonderful in the beginning. Now I hear whispers about how much I'm still not myself... Or...that someone witnessed a glimpse of the old me. You're right. They don't get it. I know your conference call may have been important but what...our mental state isn't? I travel often and it is so difficult. I walk into a hotel room and the 1st thing I want to do is call and let him know I arrived.... I'm glad you have a grief counselor. I'm thinking it's time...although place this is a release, I think I need to talk to someone.
  4. Vent

    It does hit at strange times. Someone said or, maybe I read that you should look for your triggers. Why this just popped into my head, I have no clue. I will say though that I think everything's a trigger. I had so many things I needed to do this weekend. Most of it I just stayed in bed. In the restaurant Friday, woke up Saturday crying, then in my basement, then today on and off all day. I've even woke up in the middle of the night crying. In all my life, maybe a dozen people have ever witnessed this. Now? It takes everything I have to try to hold off until I get to the bathroom or my car or just away. Sometimes there's no stopping it. It's not just the crying. It's not being able to get out of my head. I question when I cry, when I don't, I question why, why now, why didn't I see it, why didn't the doc's tell me...I question my questions. It so draining. Then I have a day where I feel kinda okay and I'm glad...then I question that. I know I've said this doesn't feel normal. I've read a few posts where people say that nothing is normal about this but that, that is normal. Nothing feels normal, things don't taste normal, people don't act normal...I don't feel normal. You all as well as everyone I work with, family etc...all say that say but then if this is all normal...why don't people talk about it? I mean here we do...but if all this is normal, why do I feel like I have no support. Like I need to hide it. Like I'm going crazy?
  5. Vent

    I went out last night with 2 friends. It was going well I guess until it was again...me crying. We were in a restaurant and I'm trying to hide and I'm in the line of sight of so many people. So I just left. I couldn't grab my keys without making more of a scene so I left without my keys or purse. I just want to hide in my car but I can't even unlock it. I'm trying to do normal things and I can't. And I don't want to hear it's normal. No it's not. I've never ever been in public in 47 years and seen someone just randomly lose it. It is not normal. It almost been 4 months and I can't say I don't have good days...but it's always there. Always. And when it overtakes me it feels just as intense as the beginning. Today I'm trying to pack up my house...not the whole thing just 1 room. 1 room. Since about 7 this morning I've gotten nothing done. I keep going in there and I can't even tell you what I do? I just sit there. Or I cry.... I can' take this.
  6. Vent

    I am so grateful for this place. Just wanted to share that.
  7. Vent

    Dian, I tried to get my feeling out in my post. In re-reading it, I'm surprised anyone understood. I was crying so hard while writing that. What you said YES! That is it. I'm not lonely. I feel alone. Empty, too. YES. Yes. I want to talk about it. Sometimes it's all I want to talk about. But as much as people say "how are you" "Can I do anything" or, a variation "I wish I could help" I know they mean well. I even think that most people are saying these things from a genuinely good place. However, even the people I'm closest to... If I do start opening up, they don't want to know. Or they start to politely steer the conversation somewhere else. I think even though people care and may want to help, they just don't know. They don't know the loss, the struggles after, the emptiness, the anger, the confusion. I can't even blame them. I wish I didn't know. I wish we all didn't know. My Dad passed away the morning of my Husband's service. I have no idea how I made it through the day. I lost my Husband and my Dad. I feel like I never had a chance to breathe and then my Dad was gone. Everyone tells me, as horrible as it is true..."Talk to your Mom. Be there for each other." Again, I believe this is coming from a genuinely good place but...it's not the same...and it is. Losing your Husband & your Dad isn't the same as your Husband & Son-in-law. Losing your Husband after your unique struggles and just entering in to the 'best' part of your lives isn't the same as losing your Husband after a 50 year marriage where you had kids, grandkids, travel and retirement. I am in NO WAY slighting my Mom's pain. It's just different. Maybe it doesn't matter. Loss is loss right? But it does matter to me. I feel cheated. After all he went through, all we both went through in the early years, we were finally in a place were everything was good. Where we were comfortable. Where we were looking forward to sometime together. Looking forward to our kids upcoming weddings and hopefully grandkids. Now we'll never have that. People say....but you will. NO. I. WON'T. I won't have it with him! That's the loss...THAT is what they don't understand. THAT is the emptiness, the hopelessness. Dian, I don't even know you but I wish I could hug you. Thank you for your words. My heart breaks for you. I saw my husband's lung collapsed in front of me. I saw them poke him with a needle to get him to be able to breathe. It didn't work. They took him away and put in a chest tube. I was so scared. I remember I couldn't move. They tried to help me to a chair and if not for whoever caught me, I would have fell. My whole body was shaking. He survived but this was the beginning of a very quick landslide. When he died just a little over 3 months later, we were in the hospital. I knew he had problems breathing but had no idea what was coming. I was there. I felt so helpless. I felt like they should have told me this was a possibility. I think about him going to the ER that morning and it's just a blur. We went out to dinner the day before... He had appointments scheduled for that week. I just thought it was another 'episode' and that they would fix him. I never called anyone to come to the hospital...because he'd be out soon... They made me leave his side. There were alarms...people...and still I didn't see it coming. Then he said those words. "I'm sorry" - Why.... I don't know how I'm ever going to accept this. It's now 3 months later and nothing is right. Nothing even remotely resembles normal. I go from hot to cold, happy to sad, busy busy to I don't give a ****. I don't know why people call us the 'surviving' spouse. It doesn't feel like it.
  8. Vent

    I haven't really been here in the last few weeks. It seemed to be helping in some warped way to read everyone's posts. Maybe knowing that other's feel similar? Then I got mad. How can other's pain soothe mine? Why should my pain be eased anyway? I do hurt. I should just accept it. Augh! I've always been a bit of an over analyzer. I know that. But, this is just too much. I lost my husband and it hurts. I want to grieve but, then I want to feel 'normal' but then when I have a glimpse of 'normal' - I feel bad...guilty almost...then sad.... Then I'm mad. Why...Why now? Why after we went through so much. Why when we were so good...so happy. Why before our kids weddings. Before grandkids. Everywhere I go I see couples. It actually hurts. I wanted to grow old with him. I've been told I'm just lonely. No. I'm mad and sad...frustrated, anxious, hopeless and a million other things. I have memories. I have family. I have friends. It's not lonely. It's a fog. It's that I have no motivation. Things I cared about now seem unimportant. I have no focus. I don't care. But....I do. But I'm numb. I cannot function. I hate this. All day I fake it. I smile. I work. I do the things I have to. But I'm so tired of being tired. Tired of just going through the motions. I don't understand. Is there a lesson...a point....something? 3 1/2 months and still...it feels like there is a hole inside of me that just consumes a little more everyday.
  9. Double loss

    Your post, Francine....I was crying so hard... I'm sitting here with the tears just flowing...and no damn tissues. I just want to say for now...thank you. that's all I can get out.
  10. I can't believe he passed away

    Butterfly, my heart breaks for you. I lost my husband just 2 days prior to your boyfriend. Although a lot of people reached out...people we hadn't seen or talked to in over 15 years!!!....A lot of them, most of them, are now nowhere to be found. I guess some of that is to be expected. But what I'm now realizing is that I was one of those people. Never wanting to 'make' anyone hurt unnecessarily. What hurts unnecessarily is friends and family not coming to your side in your time of need. That being said though, I agree whole-heartedly with Eagle-96 & KMB. People may not know what you need until you tell them. I'm scared of the rest of my life without my husband - but sometimes I want to be alone. I like to putz around in my yard and in my garden but I need help with the weed-whacking. Maybe people should ask but...when I was on the other side of the grief looking in...I didn't. In these few short weeks, I've learned a lot about myself and others. My perspective on things is forever changed. Just as I've been too hard on myself I've also been too hard on others. I can't ask for help. I can't reach out. I have no idea why. I need help. I even want it. But I just can't. I hope you will.
  11. Double loss

    Yes! There are people in my life that are telling me, "you're going to cry and people have to accept it." Well of course they have to accept it. It's not like they can stop me. If they could, I'd spend all my time with those people! But, just because something has to be accepted, doesn't change the fact that it's hard for me. It is an extremely vulnerable and awkward position to be in to let people see those raw emotions.
  12. Double loss

    I've been reading through some other posts and I'm finding the same words / phases used again and again. I was given a book - Option B, although I'm not far into it at all. It is also about loss (facing adversary and eventually...finding joy)... Same thing in the book. I never noticed that until now. I'm glad your torture is easing up. Although I held it together for most of the day today, but I still can't see this easing up? I never went to bed until after 1am..woke up at 5:30...went to the bathroom and cried. Why? The seat was up. The seat hasn't been up since for the past month and a half. (My daughters boyfriend was here) But really? A toilet?
  13. Double loss

    I had a bunch of mini melt downs at work today and big one after work. I can't put into words how much reading and writing, if only momentarily, helps. I hate that anyone even remotely feels like I do. But...it's also uncomfortably comforting to know you all do. That sounds so stupid. I think I am rushing this...or wanting to. I don't want to feel this way. Nobody wants to feel this way. It's absolute torture. I'm not making any kind of conscience decision to fight the grief...but I definitely think I'm trying to control my emotions. Not from having them...just publically showing them. I'm very uncomfortable with sharing intimate feelings with coworkers, acquaintances or even strangers. I think that's why I'm here. I can share that I'm having a hard time. I'm scared of doing life, alone. I'm pissed that I'll never have grandkids to enjoy with my husband. My Dad isn't a phone call away. It's too much. - But here, you can't see all of this. Why that's easier? I have no clue but it's definitely easier to write here then to cry in front of people. Today sucked.
  14. Feeling empty

    For some reason your post hit me especially hard. I lost my husband and my Dad in the same week. It's horrible. I have 2 kids, too. It's only been a month and a half for me but everything posted here about putting on a face for work, silence in the home, being there for the kids, the emptiness... I wish I had words of wisdom but I all I can say is - I get it. I wish I didn't but I do. I am new here and new trying to deal with all of this but I'm hoping this place helps me. I hope it helps you, too.
  15. Double loss

    I have started reading some other posts. It seems I find something in each post that I can relate to. I'm not sure how that makes me feel? It makes my heart break for each and every one of you. I appreciate that this place exists. I don't know if I could 'vent' in person. As it is, I'm typing and wiping tears. In person, I'm just a mess. I can barely get a word out let alone a whole sentence. It's just been a month and a half. Maybe I'm expecting too much to fast? I'm back at work although, I probably shouldn't be. I initially thought keeping my mind busy was working. Maybe it works when it's a mindless task...but to focus and manage and multitask. Not so much. But then what am I supposed to do? I have to pay bills. I have vacation time. What do I do? Stay home with myself, my thoughts? No thank you. But I'm finding that I can't handle work. I can't focus. I'm afraid of who knows and who doesn't. Will they say something about it? God, please no. Will they act like nothing happened? That's almost worse. I feel like I'm existing in this world but everybody else is living and no matter the situation or conversation I'm never going to be part of "them" again. I went for a drive and ended up sitting in my car at a park. I'm watching people and thinking how the hell is life still moving? Why are people laughing? I was actually mad which made me cry because it was such a ridicules thought. My Mom has gone through my Dad's clothes, sorted through bills, turned things off and flipped things into her name. I've done nothing. Not a blessed thing. What is wrong with me? I'm organized. I'm driven. I'm really good at my job. I'm independent. I'm always in control. Now? I feel so lost. I can't shake it off. I miss my husband & Dad terribly. But...I need to be able to function. These constant feelings of grief are consuming every corner of my life. I'm mentally and physically exhausted. In my head I understand it takes time and realistically a month and a half isn't much. But I can't help but feel I should be able to control it...a little....? Yes, I should be able to grieve. Everyone should in there own time, in there own way. But I feel like I can't function and to me...that's like torture on top of this agony.
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