Sweetheart346

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About Sweetheart346

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  1. It's been almost two months since my mom passed from sepsis. Even when I try doing normal things, I sometimes catch myself thinking about the three difficult weeks she spent in the hospital. I remember staying overnight with my sister watching her and I was trying to sleep. I remember my mom calling my name but I half ignored it since I was extremely tired and also scared cause I didn't know what to do or any way of helping. When she tried getting out of bed herself, that's when I got up and assisted her. Don't know why it's eating me alive but that's just one scene from that evil place that runs through my mind. No matter what I do, I can't stop thinking about the hospital. She had an allergic reaction to a blood thinner that led to low blood pressure and her dying but I still feel like the hospital purposely gave her medicine they knew will kill her, just to make space in the ICU. I just needed to get that out because the guilt and anger is slowly but painfully affecting me each day.
  2. Today a really bad lightning storm came. I became depressed cause it just reminds me of how I would go to my mom when I got too scared of the storms and she would calm me down. Just her presence made me calm too. My sister is not comforting like my mother at all. And it sucks that I will never find anyone else that gives me comfort. She expects me to work on my summer homework due by the end of the week when I'm not in a clear mind for homework. As much as I want to work on it, I can't. Then my sis said that she can't believe I'm about to get a C in the class and it's a community college one. One C won't prevent me from getting into nursing school and she should understand herself how hard it is to get things done from grieving our mother's death. I walked away asking why can't I just be sad in peace then she said to be sad and do homework as if that is even possible. I just feel alone and this storm is not helping my mood at all and all my uncontrollable crying is making it hard to focus on my assignments.
  3. Today is the one month anniversary of my mom's death and I do not want to go through it. I can no longer look at the 21st of every month, the same. I dread each 21st, especially since it is right after her birthday on the 20th of December. I had severe chest pains for two weeks but it went away for one week. Since yesterday, it came back and I feel that it is because of what today is. Trying to eat a healthy diet doesn't help the pain. I don't want the pain to continue but I can't help but feel depressed, so my body just goes ahead with the pain. How can I get through today without losing my mind? I'm in another city so I can't really hang out with friends, plus my socializing level feels pretty low today. Whether it's driving around, walking on the beach or at a park, any activity pretty much triggers me and I get depressed from thinking about my mother and how we used to do those things together. Knowing I can't do it with her anymore, hurts even worse.
  4. It has been two weeks since my mother's funeral. My depression got worse when my aunt went back home in another state yesterday because I'm scared something similar will happen and she won't get to attend my college graduation in 3 years either. When I try to do normal activities such as getting my hair done, I think about when my mother would drop me off and how well she knew my hair stylist. When I go grocery shopping, I think of how my mother would show me how to tie the plastic bags with fruits in them. When I go looking for clothes, I remember how my mother would say she's not buying me more than one top we are looking for, but she still ends up buying me more things. When driving, I think of our many talks on the road and how unlike myself, she was calm when some fool did something on the road like cut her off with no warning. I also notice how words on tv or spoken by people such as: mother, mom, Mother's Day, blood, died, death, cancer, leukemia, funeral, casket, and even sorry...trigger my depression quickly and I start thinking of my mom in pain at the hospital or how I will never see her again. As well as how different she looked in the casket. This happens even when the topic is not directed to me. Nobody will ever love me as much as my mother, and now she can't anymore and she will never know how much I appreciated her.
  5. Ever since my mother's funeral on Saturday, each day just feels like a nightmare. I write down my good and bad things each day and I notice that I'm lucky if I even get one good thing to write down. The bad part, fills up really quickly. I feel as if this depression is causing health problems. I've been having chest pain and back pain on my left side for three weeks now but ever since my mom died, it just got extremely bad to the point where I can't even sleep on time, bend, stretch, or find a comfortable position to even just lie down and relax. I have no health insurance and I'm over 18 so I cannot be a dependent of my sibling. I don't want to go to a hospital and it ends up being something small , but I also don't want it to be something serious after what happened to my mother with her leukemia diagnosis and many other health issues people prior. It literally feels as if I was stabbed in the chest and it went through me. Everytime a thought crosses my mind about my mom, it gets worse. I just do not know what to do and I'm tired of everyday feeling like a punishment. I miss my mom so much and I would never want anyone, even an enemy, to experience what I am right now.
  6. My mothers wake is later today in the afternoon and I am really scared of how it is going to go. I'm not ready to see her embalmed dead body in the casket, unable to respond to me or anyone else. I'm not ready to see other people, especially my family, cry uncontrollably. But I know I will regret it heavily if I don't go. During the past week of fundraising and gatherings, I still have a part of me that refuses to believe any of this is true, even after seeing her lifeless body in the hospital where everything went wrong. I'm not ready to accept or think about how she will never see me graduate, attend my pinning ceremony, wedding, be there if I have my first child, move into my first apartment, or many other things a lot of my friends get to experience with their mothers. I can't call her on the phone in college to check up on her, rant about my roommate or professors, ask for ideas on assignments, or food when the college one gets too disgusting. No more fun family vacations she planned. I will never hear her laugh again. I would even prefer getting to have her yell at me over something like the dishes, if it means hearing her voice again. I will never hear her wonderful singing voice at random times of the day. Many more things I will never experience with her. I feel robbed. I prefer to never have been born so I wouldn't have to go through this pain. It's unfair. Really unfair. Especially those who I know do not appreciate their healthy mothers, makes this harder for me to handle. I am nowhere close to my father and do not want to be because he was nowhere to be found most of my life, including the last hard weeks of my mom's hospital experience. How can I deal with this and get through the wake and funeral in one piece? How can I find the strength to get through the rest of my days after the services? Sorry for the long rant...
  7. My mother passed away three days ago from low blood pressure caused by a blood thinner drug for leukemia. The doctor gave us hope that things will work out but the blood thinner ruined everything and nothing could be done to save her. I'm barely 19 and can't have the experience of my mom seeing me graduate college, get married, have children, get my first job, and my birthday and her birthday along with other holidays will forever hurt me since she is not here anymore. I'm extremely thankful for my family and friends especially during this difficult time, but it is not the same as having your mother . Especially when majority of them still do. I barely have a normal appetite anymore and I'm forced to eat food at times that I don't want to. Hearing people say she is not in pain anymore gives me temporary relief but then I start to think about the fact that she shouldn't have been in pain in the first place especially since she was such a caring and loving woman to everyone. Other times it still feels unreal and I just start to hope that this is all a horrible prank but seeing the machines turned off in the hospital and her body being cold to the touch, remind me that it isn't. It also makes me lose faith because we did all the praying and fasting that could be done and she had faith herself. Yet she still ended up passing away. I feel betrayed and hurt. My anxiety gets the best of me at times and my chest starts hurting and feeling like someone lit a match inside me from the burning sensations. Cant focus on school work either. I also feel depressed seeing others mourning especially my aunt who was extremely close to her. Please help me find a way to stop this depression. Medicines cannot help me since I'm allergic to majority of them.