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About Sweetheart346

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  1. I tried unwinding from a long day by watching a movie and drinking water. While drinking water I suddenly got sad from a flashback of how my mother always drank water out of a huge bottle since she enjoyed drinking water more than I did. Then my thoughts went to how this week my paper for English class from last semester, got submitted for an award by my professor. This made me want to tell my mom but I realized that's impossible. Still, the urge to call her remained and I got even more sad since she wouldn't pick up and the number might have been given to someone else by now. It sucks how I can't enjoy things as much these days that used to make me happy. At the end of the day, I no longer have a mother to share the joy with. Friends and other family members just cannot compare to my own mother who raised me for 19 years. Another recent issue is college. Due to the toll the depression took on me, I took this semester off. It's difficult for my sister to pay for my school fees, textbooks, and rent. As a result , I have no choice but to attend a university in my city to save money on rent since it's expensive in college cities and she doesn't have money to pay for the college apartment and the one we live in now. My sister even said I wouldn't have returned next semester to the college I was at even if I stayed for the Spring, since rent is expensive. So I'll pretty much have to attend a college with a high crime rate since its located in the most dangerous part of town. It's 40 minutes away from me by car. Taking public transportation gives me more anxiety by what I've seen on them when I would take the train in high school. The college being in an unsafe place, makes it worse. It's just unfair how I got the bad end of the stick and now have to not only deal with not having a mother in my life anymore, a deadbeat dad, but also not getting to follow my dreams by going to the college I want to go to. Scholarships and grants are harder to get than jobs these days. I tried self-help books, books on grieving loss of a parent, and even counseling. They temporarily helped. Now I feel the depression creeping back in. The stress and anxiety caused by all of this, caused me to get eczema spots on different parts of my body. Nothing can be done about that either. It's really hard for me to find hope for things these days since they never work out in my favor, as shown above. For reasons I cannot control.
  2. Really have no idea where else to put this rant so I decided to do it here. Yesterday made it five months since my mother died. I was tremendously depressed and actually felt suicidal. I started thinking about how I can just go drown myself in a lake two minutes away from us walking distance. Then I thought about how my close friends and family would be affected. Then I just continued crying. Had no appetite so I didn't eat much. Today I felt sort of better. A lady who was best friends with my mother (and I'm close to their son), called me today. I told her what happened yesterday and how I really felt. She went straight to saying how I should have gone to church or read the Bible. I got furious and started saying how I feel and how I don't believe in worshipping a god who did not even listen to any of our prayers the whole time leading up to my mother's death. Then she said it was God's plan for what happened and he had a better reason for why things turned out the way they did. That basically makes it seem as if god shortened her life even though my mom never deserved it to be shortened. Being told that death isn't permanent makes it feel like my pain is useless and I'm mourning for no reason. When really I do have a reason to be depressed over the death of my mother. I'm starting to feel as if she is really just trying to comfort HERSELF. I told her how serious it was and how the depression prevented me from even doing my usual activities and that is when she decided to tell me I should speak to a counselor at my college. That is what she should've said in the very beginning. She knows how I feel when people bring up god and that he will make things better for us and we will see my mom again on judgment day. Literally makes no sense how since your body rots with time after you die. Still, she continues. She said she wont bring up god in our conversations anymore but I know that is a lie since she does every weekend we speak on the phone. It's really annoying and doesnt help me in any way. What helps one person wouldn't help the other person and she refuses to understand that and actually live by it. I'm tired of being preached to. I need people to rant to that wouldn't use a magical being as an excuse for what happened to me. She always says that she is suffering from her loss as well. She was her best friend, I was my mother's daughter pretty much all my life. There's a difference between our bond with my mother and it seems as if she is trying to minimize my pain. Just wanted to get that out even if nobody will respond.
  3. In five minutes as I'm typing this, it will be five months since my mother has passed. I feel like this month will not be one I can manage like I did in September. This is especially because of how I'm a sophomore in college and I don't know what I'm doing. My major was officially nursing. I thought I could be strong and finish it for my mother. After all, she wanted me to become a nurse more than I did myself. A&P 1 class definitely changed my mind on that. I am currently failing it with a D. I'm doing all the extra credit I can but nothing is helping it since tests bring it right back down. Tutoring and speaking to the professor do not help either. Due to financial difficulties in my family now because of my mother passing away, I cannot drop or withdraw from the class without FAFSA making me have to pay it back. So I'm being forced to finish it. I hate the class so much. Especially lectures about cancer and white blood cells or bone marrow. They all relate to my mother and just remind me of how she died. The information doesn't comfort me in any way. The professor always relates some topics to her mother. And how she is alive and strong at 70. Mine did not even live to see 55. Just ruins my mood for the rest of the day. I feel useless. I wish my mom was here to help me decide on what else to do since nursing isn't working out for me. I now hate the idea of working in a field where some people die. I spoke to a career counselor and I still cannot decide on a major. I hate how the rest of my friends know exactly what they are doing with their lives. Some even graduatiing earlier than me. I have low energy no matter how much sleep or exercise I do. I never have enough energy to do extra studying, I barely even enjoy doing the homework that is actually assigned. I'm tired of getting flashbacks to this summer I lost my mother. No matter what I do to keep my mind off of it, I eventually remember it again. Everyone else on my campus is happy and enjoying their lives. Can't help but to feel jealous. I've never been so lost in my life.
  4. Recently had a dream that my mother was alive...but she was sick again. Remember her bleeding in the dream and was very weak and I was scared. Then she ended up dying again. I woke up extremely sad and wanting to cry and did not get out of bed for at least an hour. Her death in real life was already painful, but to experience that twice by a dream, does not help me cope .Is there a way to prevent dreams like this? Every time I dream about her even if it is a good one, I'm still sad when I wake up because I know there is no way the dream can come true and getting to see her again in person is impossible.
  5. Monday was the 3rd anniversary of my mother's death. The previous day, Sunday, my older sister was acting a little moody and said she's on the verge of having a panic attack. On Monday I was so focused on the eclipse and getting to see it, that I wasn't even thinking hard about how it was the anniversary of my mother's death. It's as if other days I'm sad, but when the 21st of each month rolls around, some I'm ok, others I'm not. I kind of feel bad for not feeling that bad about it specifically on the 21st...if that makes sense. Especially since my sister was sad, but I wasn't since it was a pretty good day for me and I felt happy getting to see the eclipse for the first time in my life. The only thing I felt bad about is that the eclipse is one of the many cool things in my life that I won't get to experience with my mother. Still, I enjoyed it that day. Is this weird? Sorry if my rant doesn't make any sense.
  6. Do I have PTSD?

    Today after driving for over 8 hours, I reached home and suddenly began having a panic attack. My entire body felt as if I was vibrating. My hands were straight out and I could not bring them back together for 10 minutes. I felt as if I was about to pass out, but I never did. A lot of things reminded me of my mother during the ride. On the way home, I cried for three hours straight. I almost crashed four times, but I did not. That made me feel more guilty of how I can avoid death but my mom died anyway from sepsis. My sister helped me calm down and breathe normally again. I'm still feeling a little off. My issue is that the more I think about how my mom is no longer alive, the more it feels like a dream. I don't know how to explain this. I literally feel as if I'm just stuck in a nightmare but I cannot wake up from it and that's when I start panicking. The more I remember how my mother passed and that I will not ever get to see her or speak to her again, my mind feels distant. As if this is all just a test. My chest also starts to hurt. The flashbacks make me feel the same pain over and over each time. Has someone ever said something really mean to you and it hurt your feelings? That's how I feel every time I remember how my mom died. It's starting to not feel like reality anymore. Like I'm not really even a human being. It all feels like a huge prank being played on me. Deep breaths and all those techniques only help for a small amount of time. My throat tightens as if I'm about to cry. And I do. I cried today more than I did at the funeral. When I think about how much I cried, I want to cry again. This is just getting too much to deal with as time goes on and time is surely not healing this wound. What can I do to stop panicking and bring myself back to reality? How will I continue my life without my mother here with me? I literally want to press the "start over" button and go back to when I was a baby just so I can see her again.
  7. Every day when driving to work, I have to pass the city of where my mother was buried two months ago. I'm starting to feel deep inside like I should go and pay my respect before I leave for college, but I'm scared of how my mind will actually react once I get there. I'm scared I won't be able to drive from the crying or that my mind will not be able to focus on the road clearly. Also do not want to ask my sister to come because she starts work on Monday and that will just depress her again. Plus, I feel weird when I have someone there with me seeing me cry or being sad. What I'm asking is, if I go alone, how can I handle it in a proper way without losing my mind? How long does it take to get it together again after the first visit to a parent's grave? What do you bring? Do the things you bring stay on the grave or do they eventually disappear by the wind or get taken away by the maintenance crew? The tombstone is not yet set so how do I recognize where my mother is if someone was buried around the same area? Sorry for the random questions...
  8. It's been almost two months since my mom passed from sepsis. Even when I try doing normal things, I sometimes catch myself thinking about the three difficult weeks she spent in the hospital. I remember staying overnight with my sister watching her and I was trying to sleep. I remember my mom calling my name but I half ignored it since I was extremely tired and also scared cause I didn't know what to do or any way of helping. When she tried getting out of bed herself, that's when I got up and assisted her. Don't know why it's eating me alive but that's just one scene from that evil place that runs through my mind. No matter what I do, I can't stop thinking about the hospital. She had an allergic reaction to a blood thinner that led to low blood pressure and her dying but I still feel like the hospital purposely gave her medicine they knew will kill her, just to make space in the ICU. I just needed to get that out because the guilt and anger is slowly but painfully affecting me each day.
  9. Today a really bad lightning storm came. I became depressed cause it just reminds me of how I would go to my mom when I got too scared of the storms and she would calm me down. Just her presence made me calm too. My sister is not comforting like my mother at all. And it sucks that I will never find anyone else that gives me comfort. She expects me to work on my summer homework due by the end of the week when I'm not in a clear mind for homework. As much as I want to work on it, I can't. Then my sis said that she can't believe I'm about to get a C in the class and it's a community college one. One C won't prevent me from getting into nursing school and she should understand herself how hard it is to get things done from grieving our mother's death. I walked away asking why can't I just be sad in peace then she said to be sad and do homework as if that is even possible. I just feel alone and this storm is not helping my mood at all and all my uncontrollable crying is making it hard to focus on my assignments.
  10. Today is the one month anniversary of my mom's death and I do not want to go through it. I can no longer look at the 21st of every month, the same. I dread each 21st, especially since it is right after her birthday on the 20th of December. I had severe chest pains for two weeks but it went away for one week. Since yesterday, it came back and I feel that it is because of what today is. Trying to eat a healthy diet doesn't help the pain. I don't want the pain to continue but I can't help but feel depressed, so my body just goes ahead with the pain. How can I get through today without losing my mind? I'm in another city so I can't really hang out with friends, plus my socializing level feels pretty low today. Whether it's driving around, walking on the beach or at a park, any activity pretty much triggers me and I get depressed from thinking about my mother and how we used to do those things together. Knowing I can't do it with her anymore, hurts even worse.
  11. It has been two weeks since my mother's funeral. My depression got worse when my aunt went back home in another state yesterday because I'm scared something similar will happen and she won't get to attend my college graduation in 3 years either. When I try to do normal activities such as getting my hair done, I think about when my mother would drop me off and how well she knew my hair stylist. When I go grocery shopping, I think of how my mother would show me how to tie the plastic bags with fruits in them. When I go looking for clothes, I remember how my mother would say she's not buying me more than one top we are looking for, but she still ends up buying me more things. When driving, I think of our many talks on the road and how unlike myself, she was calm when some fool did something on the road like cut her off with no warning. I also notice how words on tv or spoken by people such as: mother, mom, Mother's Day, blood, died, death, cancer, leukemia, funeral, casket, and even sorry...trigger my depression quickly and I start thinking of my mom in pain at the hospital or how I will never see her again. As well as how different she looked in the casket. This happens even when the topic is not directed to me. Nobody will ever love me as much as my mother, and now she can't anymore and she will never know how much I appreciated her.
  12. Ever since my mother's funeral on Saturday, each day just feels like a nightmare. I write down my good and bad things each day and I notice that I'm lucky if I even get one good thing to write down. The bad part, fills up really quickly. I feel as if this depression is causing health problems. I've been having chest pain and back pain on my left side for three weeks now but ever since my mom died, it just got extremely bad to the point where I can't even sleep on time, bend, stretch, or find a comfortable position to even just lie down and relax. I have no health insurance and I'm over 18 so I cannot be a dependent of my sibling. I don't want to go to a hospital and it ends up being something small , but I also don't want it to be something serious after what happened to my mother with her leukemia diagnosis and many other health issues people prior. It literally feels as if I was stabbed in the chest and it went through me. Everytime a thought crosses my mind about my mom, it gets worse. I just do not know what to do and I'm tired of everyday feeling like a punishment. I miss my mom so much and I would never want anyone, even an enemy, to experience what I am right now.
  13. My mothers wake is later today in the afternoon and I am really scared of how it is going to go. I'm not ready to see her embalmed dead body in the casket, unable to respond to me or anyone else. I'm not ready to see other people, especially my family, cry uncontrollably. But I know I will regret it heavily if I don't go. During the past week of fundraising and gatherings, I still have a part of me that refuses to believe any of this is true, even after seeing her lifeless body in the hospital where everything went wrong. I'm not ready to accept or think about how she will never see me graduate, attend my pinning ceremony, wedding, be there if I have my first child, move into my first apartment, or many other things a lot of my friends get to experience with their mothers. I can't call her on the phone in college to check up on her, rant about my roommate or professors, ask for ideas on assignments, or food when the college one gets too disgusting. No more fun family vacations she planned. I will never hear her laugh again. I would even prefer getting to have her yell at me over something like the dishes, if it means hearing her voice again. I will never hear her wonderful singing voice at random times of the day. Many more things I will never experience with her. I feel robbed. I prefer to never have been born so I wouldn't have to go through this pain. It's unfair. Really unfair. Especially those who I know do not appreciate their healthy mothers, makes this harder for me to handle. I am nowhere close to my father and do not want to be because he was nowhere to be found most of my life, including the last hard weeks of my mom's hospital experience. How can I deal with this and get through the wake and funeral in one piece? How can I find the strength to get through the rest of my days after the services? Sorry for the long rant...
  14. My mother passed away three days ago from low blood pressure caused by a blood thinner drug for leukemia. The doctor gave us hope that things will work out but the blood thinner ruined everything and nothing could be done to save her. I'm barely 19 and can't have the experience of my mom seeing me graduate college, get married, have children, get my first job, and my birthday and her birthday along with other holidays will forever hurt me since she is not here anymore. I'm extremely thankful for my family and friends especially during this difficult time, but it is not the same as having your mother . Especially when majority of them still do. I barely have a normal appetite anymore and I'm forced to eat food at times that I don't want to. Hearing people say she is not in pain anymore gives me temporary relief but then I start to think about the fact that she shouldn't have been in pain in the first place especially since she was such a caring and loving woman to everyone. Other times it still feels unreal and I just start to hope that this is all a horrible prank but seeing the machines turned off in the hospital and her body being cold to the touch, remind me that it isn't. It also makes me lose faith because we did all the praying and fasting that could be done and she had faith herself. Yet she still ended up passing away. I feel betrayed and hurt. My anxiety gets the best of me at times and my chest starts hurting and feeling like someone lit a match inside me from the burning sensations. Cant focus on school work either. I also feel depressed seeing others mourning especially my aunt who was extremely close to her. Please help me find a way to stop this depression. Medicines cannot help me since I'm allergic to majority of them.