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About FigsNewton

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  • Birthday 05/01/1982

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    RI - Rhode Island
  • Loss Type
    My Dad
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  1. I'm so sorry for your loss. I just wanted to point out that afib is a common heart condition where the heart beats irregularly and rapidly, it's not caused by infection but can certainly be made worse by it. It may help to mourn the loss of your Dad and try not to think about the what ifs, you'll drive yourself crazy.
  2. Cared for My Dad and am a Nurse

    I"m so sorry. It doesn't sound to me like he was actively dying. We usually do have a bit of warning when someone is dying from an illness, because their body begins to shut down and it's a process. We can usually tell that it's getting closer and give the family some heads up, so to speak. If he was in active heart failure he probably had too much fluid around his heart and lungs (that's what heart failure causes, along with swelling of the legs and sometimes even arms and face/torso). I'm so sorry. Please don't feel guilty, you had no way of knowing. It may sound silly, but I've had lots of patients who "waited" to pass until their families left the room, sometimes that's just how it goes. No one knows why. Maybe your Dad wanted to go without putting you through the agony. I hope you can find comfort in memories and I hope your heart begins to manage this horrible loss.
  3. I'm too young to die

    You need your family to get you through this, first of all. Second of all, you need to get second and third opinions and find out what your options are. You're only 24, no one should have made you feel like you have no chance to prolong your life or even save it. Thinking of you
  4. Of course not. While everyone accepts that one day their parents will die before they do, it's not something we think will happen while we're still in youngish adult hood. I wasn't trying to imply that it would be harder or easier if we'd been younger when we lost our parents, incase it came off that way.
  5. Grief and guilt

    I feel like this too, I lost my Dad the month before you lost yours. Its normal to feel guilty, but please know that everyone looks back and sees things they can change, it doesn't mean we didn't do them right the first time. If you did take your Dad to the hospital, they wouldn't have been able to save his life if he was so sick that he was about to die. Also, a lot of folks announce that they are going to die shortly before they do. No one is sure why this is. I don't know if that helps, but please try to think of the happy memories. You did your best with your dad, and that is what matters.
  6. Yes, it is very normal. I lost my Dad 3 months ago and I don't miss the arguments we sometimes got in and I don't miss the sappy phone calls from when he had a couple too many. Ok, maybe I miss them a little bit when I'm sad, but when I'm feeling ok I don't miss them and that is normal. I do miss the times when he would get mad at me for doing something dumb, but thats because I loved it when he showed me that he was worried, i think. Plus, it was usually funny to hear what he'd say. ( You A-hole! You drove 16 hours across states by YOURSELF? ARE YOU STUPID?) haha. he was adorable.
  7. You have anxiety, not cancer. My Dad died from what started as oral cancer. Oral cancer is indicated by a sore that doesn't go away, and the sore is not something that you are unsure about. Meaning, it's a giant hole/crater and it's quite obvious that it is not normal when you see it. This isn't to be confused with canker sores, either. those hurt really bad and always heal up in 1-2 weeks. Oral cancer often doesn't hurt. If the doctor says you are ok, please believe him.
  8. I cared for my Dad while he fought cancer and while he was dying. I listened to his heart stop beating, actually. Because I am a nurse, I did not call the hospice nurse to come when I knew the end was near, I wanted to do it myself. Because of what I went through, I have a brand new perspective on nursing. I'm not sure if this is allowed, but if it is I'd be happy to answer any questions anyone has related to the end of life and the process. What you saw and don't understand or what you will see, either way I am happy to talk about it.
  9. I lost my Dad, so its not the same but a girl at work said "Yeah I miss my Dad too" one day when I said out loud that I missed my Dad. I said, "oh, did you lose your dad, too?" She said, "Oh, no - he's in florida" FACEPALM
  10. This post is probably hard to follow and all over the place. I'm having a moment from finding my dads old voicemails and hearing his voice, so I thought I'd post over here and this is what came out I'm 35 and I just lost my Dad on May 13th. I moved 1,000 miles, back to my home state, in order to care for him and he died 5 weeks later. Prior to that I would fly home and stay with him for weeks or months at a time while he had surgeries, chemo, radiation, etc. He did a lot of the radiation on his own, though. The cancer started in his mouth and to make a long, horrible story short 1.5 years later it had spread to his lungs and finally his bones. I have so much guilt for not moving in with him from day 1, but then I know that he was living his life and was expected to be OK at first. I did care for him after his first major surgery (neck dissection) I'd sleep over his house after work and he would be so happy. Sometimes I'd try to go back to my house I was unpacking, and I feel so guilty. One day I was going to go over and hang with him outside and I didn't, and he waited for me that day. Got himself outside and opened his garage (was a mechanic....his garage was nicer than his house) and probably sat there waiting to see my car pull up since I was finally home and I slept in instead. Little did I know he would be gone 3 or so weeks later. I got him to gain weight over 6 weeks that I stayed with him right before moving home, and the 2 weeks I was gone all the weight came off. I shouldn't have left him. I'm a nurse, and I didn't see how frail and thin he was (I did see it, but I feel like I didn't) I pushed him to take morphine when he was on hospice (he died 10 days after starting) and I shouldn't have. He didn't want it. (He NEEDED IT, the pain was awful....he was to the point where he would groan if he flinched) The morphine made him so lethargic he never really did completely regain alertness before eventually going unresponsive (as is part of the dying process) I can't stop making myself think about these things over and over and over and I feel so sick to my stomach about it. I knew he wouldn't beat the cancer, I told those close to me so. I advocated for his wishes, which were to fight, so we did. He got chemo, radiation, immunotherapy, I allowed him to have false hope the whole time. I allowed him to think he could beat it, and I knew the whole time that it wouldn't work. I just didn't know how long he had. At the time I convinced myself he wanted hope, that he had to have something to fight for, but why didn't I let him know how bad it was? (The doctors did, many times and he refused to hear it...I know this but I still feel guilty) I feel like I failed him, I feel like I shoved morphine down his throat until he finally died (morphine doesn't kill people, contrary to popular belifef, but It does make them sleepy and can make them unconscious). I should have let him be alert if he wanted to be. (he couldn't eat or drink, he was so weak,) At the time I felt I was doing the right thing, I felt I was doing right by him but now I wish I did everything differently and I think sometimes that I might die from the guilt mixed with pain and sadness. wow, I didn't expect all of this to come out. Holy crap.
  11. I don't know how old you are, but I'm 35 and none of the people I know have lost their parent, either. My husband lost his Dad when he was 10 but he says it's not the same. Other than him, no one gets it, either. My Mom even still has her Dad and I've now lost mine. My Dad's Dad (my papa) died two years ago yesterday. Its really hard to wrap your mind around, and it's really very awful. Even my Brother isn't affected the way that I am, no one gets my pain, it seems. Anyways, i just wanted to validate your feelings. xo
  12. I guess I joined the site 2 days after my Dad died, but I don't remember. I just reset my PW so I could post. My Dad passed on May 13th after a battle with cancer. I just found some old voicemail's I had saved and I'm really missing him tonight. My heart aches so much that I don't know how it could hurt any worse. Sorry to all of you who have had losses, recent and distant. I am sure the pain is the same either way.