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About Eagle-96

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  • Angel Date
    April 1, 2017

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  1. I have said it before but me being here and taking the pain so Lori doesn't have to if the situation was reversed is the last act of love I can perform for her. As bad as it hurts and as hard as it is, I would take a lifetime of pain so she doesn't have to. I would do anything for Lori. Even this.
  2. I have the same feelings about Lori. I want her back so badly and get into the thought patterns that I would do anything to have her back. To bring her here to me. But then I think "Why would I pull her from pure joy. Pure bliss. A perfect eternity. I struggle with my own desire to have her here but then instantly reflect that I am overjoyed that she is in Paradise and I wouldn't want her to be anywhere else but perfection. I struggle with these thoughts.
  3. That's what people don't understand. We are changed. We are different. We cannot ever be the person we were the day before our loved one died. I look in the mirror and wonder who it is that's staring back at me, because he sure isn't the Sean from before 04/01/17. To add to the pressure, everyone wants the old Sean back. I've got news for them, the old Sean died on 04/01/17. The new(and not improved) Sean just kind of stumbles around doing his best to make it to the next minute. Sorry everyone, that's the best version of Sean you're gonna get. If you want the old Sean you're gonna have to look him up in the history books.
  4. There seems to be no rhyme or reason to what we feel and when. After getting over the numbness I felt at first, I now find that I feel worse now then the first month. There are days I can talk about Lori and smile and other times make we want to weep and be alone. It's so difficult to know what each day will have in store. It's almost like flipping a coin and if it says "terrible day" I just go with it and try to fight through the mire. On the other hand, if the coin says "half-way decent day" I still wait for the other shoe to drop and wonder when the day will turn on me. My life before Lori died was pretty stable and predictable and we liked it that way. Now it truly is like being thrown into the middle of the ocean and being beaten up by the waves and the sharks. The only problem is we can't drown no matter how hard we try.
  5. Nicole, As I have discovered in grief, you will find two types of people. Those that will support you no matter what and those that will judge no matter what. Those in the first group will be there for you whether you were with with Jake for one day or ten years. They will sit with you and be with you through thick and thin. They have your back and will grieve with you for however long you need them to. The latter group cares more about how your grief affects them than what you are feeling. They expect you to just turn off your feelings and get on with your life in their timeframe. They don't want your grief to remind them of what their pain would be like if they lost their loved one. It is the very essence of selfishness and your feelings are secondary to them. Hopefully this tragic and sad event in your life will help you to parse out who your real friends are. It's just sad that it takes such a painful event to separate the wheat from the chaff.
  6. I'm so very sorry for your loss. Sudden death is so traumatic. I am glad you found us as we understand some of what you are going through. Please continue to post when you are up to it and we will be here for you. I pray for your peace and comfort as you continue this painful journey.
  7. That is very important to understand. You have lost your soulmate and only those that have lost theirs will understand that pain. But you also understand that his mom and brother have a very different grief than yours. It's something I have to remind myself of from time to time. I can't full understand mine and Lori's friends pain at the loss of my wife because I have never lost a close friend. I also have to remind myself that my family and friends are grieving also. It's not just me that lost Lori. We're here for you anytime.
  8. So very happy for you. A little sunshine in your life is a great thing no matter how fleeting.
  9. As painful as those last moments were for me, I too wouldn't trade them for anything in the world. I got to be there with Lori. I was by her side and fighting right along with her to keep her here. The love of my life WAS NOT ALONE. I was there where I always was and I will cherish the thought that I may have provided some small bit of comfort to her.
  10. You are not going crazy. This is completely normal. I had friends and family stay with me for the first month after Lori passed. It was nice just to have another human in the house. On May 1st I started staying alone in the house and it was a shock to the system. Coming home from work or from dinner to an empty house the loneliness hit me like a ton of bricks. One evening I got home from work and opened the garage and Lori's car was there. My first thought was, "Good Lori's home before me!", only to have the horrible reality sink in that she would never be there again. I pray that you can find some peace and comfort as you move into this new phase.
  11. I am sorry for the loss of your wife but I am glad you were able to find this forum. We are here to help you in any way we can. You are blessed that you have family to help even though they can never fill the void of losing your wife. The loneliness is a hard part of this new reality especially when you go home to an empty house. I am 3 and 1/2 months in and that is still very hard for me. You may feel a host of additional emotions like, fear, anger, sadness, regret, etc... These are normal and natural feelings that may present themselves one at a time or all at once. They may be with you for a few seconds to a few hours and there seems to be no rhyme or reason as to when and how long these feelings last day to day. I try ride them out like a wave coming into the beach. Keep coming here and posting whenever you want to talk, cry, vent, or just to read some of the other experiences on the forum.
  12. Second guessing is such a hard thing to deal with. I lost Lori to a heart attack at the age of 46. We took her to an urgent care/ER earlier in the week and also the night before. I will always second guess myself. Did I perform CPR the right way. Should I have sought a second opinion. Should I have gone to a hospital ER the night before instead of a stand-alone ER when she complained of chest pains. There are so many thoughts that race through my head as to why and how I failed Lori. My head tells me one thing but my broken heart tells me another. I will live with the second guessing til the day I die and join her. Being in the house for the first time alone was difficult for me. Everywhere I looked I saw and heard her. EVERYTHING was(and still is) a reminder of her. BUT, it was also good therapy for me to be there as I also felt a closeness to her I couldn't feel anywhere else but at our home. Try to ease yourself into it by having someone with you if you can. I know it helped me to have friends and family with me at first.
  13. You have every right to be angry just like you have the right to be sad, lonely, regretful, etc... You have the right to have ANY emotion you want.
  14. Lulu, That has been key for me. Whenever I go back to the moment I found Lori in the bathroom until she passed 7 hours later I have to force myself to focus on something else. As I have said before, I try not to avoid grief but the thoughts of those seven hours are not therapeutic for me. If you have to, write down the 5 or 10 happiest times or memories of you and Lily together and keep it nearby. When you start to think of that terrible time of her in the hospital, try to pick one of those memories and focus on that.
  15. Detachment is completely normal and something I battle often. Like you, I don't want to be the downer. I feel like people don't want to be around me if I'm sad all the time. So I either avoid them or fake it. You might consider letting your close friends know how you feel and that is why you have separated from them lately.