Lulu

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About Lulu

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Loss Type
    Significant other
  • Angel Date
    April 2017
  1. I just recently started having dreams with my Lily, but when I wake up the details are so vague that I start to doubt if it really was her. It's not every night, just every now and then, but it's a relief. For the longest since she passed, I was not having any dreams of her so I was so upset. Now, I hope I see her more and more. If I can't have the real thing, these dreams will be enough for me until I see her in Heaven. Earlier this week, I woke up around 6 am and went back to sleep. It didn't seem like it was a deep sleep, but I fell off anyway. In my dream, I was laying down and feeling so sad. I saw a figure I recognized and I held out my hand and said will you hold my hand? This person held and squeezed my hand. I then said will you please hug me? I was so sad and missing my Lily and just wanted someone to hug me. This person leaned over and hugged me, it felt so good and comforting, and when they pulled away I was feeling sad that my Lily was not here. Then I realized it was Lily all the time. I saw her but I didn't really put it together. I instantly woke up and I thought to myself was that really her in my dream? I'm sure it was! This is how my dreams usually go. I see her but I don't realize it until I wake up. Then I feel so sad that I was not able to fully embrace her and rejoice in my dreams to see her. I don't think this was a visitation type dream, which I hope for one day. But, to see her again, it was so wonderful!
  2. I understand why one might think that you are able to say your goodbyes and say everything you wanted if you know your partner is sick. But that is not always the case, nor does it make it any easier. When we found out there was no hope for Lily, it was within a matter of days that she was no longer lucid enough to have a conversation with. At the same time, some of her family were always around so we couldn't really talk. When I tried to broach the topic that she wasn't going to get better, she replied "I'm not going to get better?" It was so heartbreaking, so I quickly stopped and said, we just need to keep praying and see what the doctors say about other treatments. She said she didn't want to give up so we never talked about the end. When she was in hospice, she still thought she would get better. The few times I had a moment alone with her, I would tell her how much I loved her and that I would be okay and always carry her in my heart. But I don't know if she understood or if she had made peace. I hope she did. I know she was full of faith that God would send her a miracle. She never got to say goodbye to me. If she had, if we had, I think I would not be struggling as I am. I often wonder if she thought we gave up on her while she still wanted to fight. But I know she knew I never did. I would do anything for her, to give her another chance. I just wish we had been able to talk more those final days. It's so painful to think about. It's my greatest regret.
  3. Last night, I thought I was feeling a little bit better, but then I woke up in the middle of the night with her in my thoughts. And I felt the intense pain start over. This morning has not been any different. I have work to provide a distraction, but that's all it is. I always go back to thinking about my Lily and how unfair all this is. I know life is going to happen how it's going to happen, but that doesn't make it any easier to accept or understand WHY it happened. I wish, I wish, I wish is all I can say.
  4. I don't know if her family had any idea or suspected, but I do know some of them would not be supportive, The rest, I do not know. My family embraced her as my best friend and always welcomed her. If they suspected, they did not waver in their support, but once you confirm, things can change. I've seen that. There are other aspects that I do not wish to get into in a public forum for risk of discovery. I wish I could say more, but it's best all around to let things go on as they have been, but I do sometimes wish someone knew so they could really understand my pain and loneliness for Lily. I miss her every day, every minute, every second. I wish I could have her back, if only to say goodbye.
  5. We were very guarded of our relationship and protective of each other. We never wanted each other to suffer from other's prejudices or negativity, and so we lived in our own world. Our home was our sanctuary, where we could be happy together. Now this same home is so empty and feels like a strange place to me without her. I eat and sleep here but am I really living? I can't say I am. Everyday after work, I just wait to fall asleep, hoping to see her in my dreams, and wake up, go to work, and repeat. I pray that God keeps me going and that one day this pained loneliness gets better. It will never be gone, but I hope it lessens.
  6. No, I have no one I can tell. First, the closest people to me are my parents and one sister and sometimes I wonder if they know but prefer not to have it confirmed. I don't want to go down that road. And I really don't have any close friends. I also worry that it would get back to her family and I know some of them would be upset. I've heard their opinions on the topic and I know Lily would not want them to know. She was so wonderful and I'd hate for them to think negatively of her. She doesn't deserve it.
  7. Lol, thanks, KMB! I'm grateful for anything that brings me a smile.
  8. Yes, the grieving and feeling of loss is so different, and I'm sure they are dealing with it the way that works for them. But when you lose the one person who was your second half, the one who completed you in every way possible, it's the worst thing to go through. The loss is felt every second and in every part of your life and somehow you have to find a way to go on. That's what I just can't get past. This is not how things were supposed to be and yet I have no choice but to go through this pain. Yes, she was a wonderful person. She just wanted everyone to be happy and to love each other. I never met anyone like her before and I doubt I will again. She was special. A gift from God, I'm sure of it. Sometimes, I feel like I'm suffering in silence, in the shadows, as if my pain is not worth acknowledging. It's not just that I lost the love of my life, but the fact that I was important to her. I meant the world to her. And now the one person who felt that way about me is gone. No one acknowledges that I was that person in her life and that hurts just as much.
  9. Interesting. I have too much time and I couldn't bear it. Reading grief books helped to fill my time and to keep my mind occupied; otherwise, I would just sink deeper and deeper into my thoughts of despair. The books also helped to validate my feelings and that it was okay to feel the way I did. They also gave me hope and reinforced by belief that Lily is okay and I will see her again. Of course, there were some that had info about how I need to make myself go out and participate in activities and find new friendships to help, but I just said no. I'm not ready, nor do I need new friends. It's true I wish I could talk to someone in person about my feelings but the effort involved in making new friends for someone like me, is just too much and I couldn't deal with both at the same time, grief and explaining everything to new people. The books and this forum have helped me tremendously! I feel like I can share my feelings and emotions here without jugdement and people understand, I'm not being rushed to get over it or to get professional help. I don't have to explain that everyone moves at their own pace and there's nothing wrong with still struggling two months after my Lily's passing. 20 years cannot be overcome within a matter of weeks! I truly feel like a part of me is missing and that is not easily overcome!
  10. I know! This morning I said to myself as I was getting dressed for work, I just don't think I can make it. I am taking it day by day, but it's exhausting to constantly tell myself she is okay, she is in Heaven, I will see her again one day, God will guide me, she'd want me to go on, and to keep telling myself not to think about her last few months and days, and to not think about all the things we will no longer share, to not think about the items at the store as I walk by them that she would like or that remind me of her, when I buy a bottled water, not to grab one for her, when I stop for gas on my way home not to call her and ask if she needs some gas to stop by the gas station I'm at and I will wait for her, as I grab something from a fast food place not to text her and see if she wants something, to be at home and not ask her what do you want to watch, do you want to go outside with me while I water the plants, do you want me to help you with anything. It's a constant effort to keep these thoughts and more out of my head and I still end up in tears. I am trying so hard but it seems like an endless battle against the constand heartache and loneliness.
  11. Reading through the cards and letters just reminded me what a wonderful person she was and how important we were to each other. She was everything to me and now it's so hard to go on without her. I walk through the house and I think how can this be? How can you no longer be here? This was YOUR home. We made it our home together and now I'm supposed to go on living here without you? How can this be? How did this happen? It's not supposed to be like this! I'm not supposed to be here all alone, I'm missing my second half. It has been Lily and Lulu for so long. I thought of me as US. Always two. When I went shopping, it was always for two. Food, clothes, supplies, always for two. Now, it's only for one? It doesn't seem right. And no one understands that. Only my new friends on this forum get it, but no one else does! They don't even bring it up to me anymore and when I bring it up, it's like they think I shouldn't still be having such a hard time. Or, that I should be happy that she is with God. I am but it doesn't mean I'm happy she is not with me, that I'm alone, that I have to go on without her. It just doesn't make sense.
  12. I pray every day for God to guide my steps and lead me towards the path He has designed for me, but I don't know what that could be. Every day I thank Him for taking care of Lily, ending her pain, and welcoming her home. I thank him for bringing her into my life and giving us so many years together. I ask him to please help heal my heart and calm my soul, give me peace of mind, but I still feel such loneliness for her and miss her presence in my life. I know I will see her again one day, but that day seems so far away. I said to myself this morning, I don't know if I can make it. It just seems so lonely without her. Even if she was here but living elsewhere would be bearable because I could call her and hear her sweet voice or send a text to her. I send myself a text every now and then and pretend it's her. Is that crazy? It's the smallest things that I miss the most.
  13. Thank you, KMB! You would have loved her if you had met her and she would have loved you and everyone here. She loved all people and had such a joy about her, a real love for life! She would have been there for you and made sure to let you know how important you were to her. She was that kind of person. If you knew her, you would love her. You couldn't help it! I'm sure she's looking down on all of you with love for being here for me!
  14. I second that! Iife will never be the same again and neither will we without the one person we loved and lived for!
  15. I hope you are able to grow closer to his family. It will be the start of a great support system as you heal together and are able to turn to each other. I am not close to Lily's family. With some of them, I felt some resentment on their part as to why Lily turned to me and wanted me at her side. I guess I can understand it to a point as they didn't know about our true relationship but then again, they would not have approved. How I would love to talk to someone who knew Lily and share our memories and love for her. I have no one to turn to or to remember her with. Someone to whom I could say how sweet she was and know that they know it's true, it's no exaggeration. You're lucky if you can share that with his family.