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About Lulu

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    Advanced Member

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  • Gender
  • Loss Type
    Significant other
  • Angel Date
    April 2017
  1. You're right. I guess I just miss her physical presence in my life and still struggle with the 'fairness' of it all. Why her? Somethings will never make sense and that's difficult for me to accept. I look forward to that visitation dream so much, just waking up without it is so disappointing. But one day, one day.
  2. In a few weeks, it will be five months since my Lily went to Heaven. Although some days have I guess what I could call 'good' in that I don't long for my own death, a day does not go by that I don't think about her and shed some tears. Of course, the intense sobbing is rare but there have been a few days when the tears are just bubbling under the surface and they come so easily the whole day. while other days, it is only a momentary thing. I know she is better where she is, I know she no longer has the load of the earthly troubles and pain on her shoulders, she is FREE! But, how I wish I could talk with her and hear her laugh. I miss her so much. I talk to her but of course, I don't hear her, which is what I long for so badly. I am still waiting for a visitation dream. I've had a couple of dreams where I thought were visitation dreams but I am just not sure, but it's been several weeks now, maybe months, and nothing since. If she could only tell me somehow, someway that she is fine, happy, at peace and that everything will be okay. Maybe, then I will have some peace, even if for a day.
  3. I couldn't have said it better myself! Although I still have moments where I ask why or wish that Lily had never gotten ill, or that God had healed her, I am grateful that He allowed me so many years with her and for me to remain at her side in the end. It's what I imagined, that we would be together longer and one of us would be there for the other. Unfortunately, it was me being there for her and way too soon. New things have come to light as well that make me think that God knew it was better to welcome Lily home when He did. I thank Him for taking care of her. It's not how I wanted, not how she wanted, but it was how He wanted. I still struggle with this but I remind myself she is well. She is better than ever! And that is all I ever wanted for her. Complete happiness, joy, peace and love. I just wish it was with me that she was enjoying all that she so deserved!
  4. I haven't posted in a bit. I've been trying to get through each day and sometimes I feel I have nothing to share that will help anyone, as I am still working my way through this thick fog of pain and loneliness. But I too have often thought this, KMB. Is God upset with me for putting my Lily above all else in my life. I say maybe but He wants us to love one other and I believe love is the one thing He wants us to share. I guess I haven't done much sharing. I poured all my love into Lily and now I have nothing. Am I wrong to constantly think about her and wish for her to be here with me when I know she is in Heaven and God is taking care of her now? I sometimes think I am being selfish but I feel how I feel. I can try to distract myself or make myself think of other things, but that's just it, I'm forcing myself to do it. My thoughts always go back to Lily and how much I wish I could talk and laugh with her. I pray every night for God's guidance but I wonder if He listens to me. Is He waiting for me to abandon all hope and thoughts of her. I would disappoint Him if that's the case.
  5. Yes, believe me I know He is. There is no way I would still be here without Him sustaining me and giving me strength, or rather being my strength. I find myself weak, something I never thought of myself, and although the days of my not wanting to go on are pretty much over, I still ask God to keep me going and guide my steps. I still don't leave the house for much other than for work, but I am not rushing myself. If and when the day comes that I find a new purpose, then I know it's only because of Him. I still think about it and just find it so unbelievable. Sometimes instead of asking why, I find myself asking how? how can this be? how was it possible? how did things fall apart so quickly and terribly? I know I will never have the answers i need, but it doesn't stop me from asking them.
  6. It's a horrible rollercoaster ride this grief. I go from thinking things might be getting a little bit easier and then suddenly deep valleys of pain and despair. I never thought I'd be without her and there are days I just don't understand nor accept that she really is gone. How can it be I ask. She was here full of life and happy and suddenly she's gone. It just doesn't make sense. I keep praying that God keeps me going each day.
  7. I can totally relate to this. I too have always been extremely shy and have felt like I am burdening or bothering others which prevented me from reaching out. the few times I did, I felt like I was bothering them or they were not very interested, so it just reinforced this feeling. I wish I could talk to my pastor and just ask for some comforting words, he doesn't need to know the details but it helps that he did know Lily and is aware I was her friend. But I fear that my continued grief will raise questions and I don't want judgement. But I just want someone I can talk to who knew Lily and who can share our loss together. I've struggled to no longer rehash every action I took and wondering if I could have done something differently to help keep her here, but in the end, she is still gone and beating myself up is only hurting me emotionally. I'm so tired of the pain but I have nothing else, so how do I move forward? It's difficult but I just take one day at a time and although I think about her every day and still cry for her every day, I still try to remind myself that she is in a better place and that is all that matters.
  8. I hope you are having a 'better' day today, if there is such a thing. My 'good' days are days that I can get through without tears streaming down my face at inopportune times or whenever someone asks me how I'm doing. I struggle with the constant reminders of my life with Lily and now of the void in my life without her. I tell myself don't feel sorry for her, she is in a better place, but it doesn't make the pain or loneliness any less. I feel so much loss in my life without her and I still have moments where I feel terrible what she went through. She deserved better.
  9. I have no choice but to go on but man is it hard! I'm surrounded by reminders of Lily and of our life together. Just walking through the house, so many pieces of furniture or pictures or dishes, boxes of Xmas decorations constantly remind me of her. This is truly her house just as much as it is mine. Maybe one day, but right now those reminders and memories bring me such sadness. We were full of hope for the future but that future no longer exists. It's difficult to comprehend that it's just me now. This house, this life seems so empty, so incomplete, so sad without her. I just wish I could talk with her again, hear her laugh, see her beautiful smile, look into her eyes full of life, even if for a second.
  10. Thank you, SashaS. Thank you for for this perspective. Yes, my Lily fought like hell to live despite everyone else giving up. She wanted to live and I cannot throw away the life she fought so hard for. I will remind myself of her courage and love of life when I feel like I don't want to go on. I want to be with her and I miss her friendship the most, but I have to honor her life by moving forward however painful it is. For it is nothing to the pain she felt and smiled through. My sweet Lily, she was and is my inspiration to keep going and becoming the person she would want me to be!
  11. It's been a rough week. I just can't shake this sadness and loneliness. Lately, it come up as I drive through town and see all the new developments going on. They mark my before and after with Lily. I see a restaurant and say that one wasn't here when Lily was or that sign wasn't here in February, Lily never saw it. I'll read a story online about someone she liked and I'll think of her and say I can't believe Lily is gone and they are still going on putting out new work (movies/music/writing) that Lily won't get to enjoy. It's just been a sad week. I haven't had one like this in a short while. I know grief is a rollercoaster, but I can't take this pain. It is too much sometimes. How I wish we could go back to before she got ill and when we were so happy.
  12. I can't even count how many times I have promised to do better, to be a better person, to take better care of Lily, to do this or do that, just to have her back. If that were possible, it would be the happiest day in my life. But I always remember that we all have to go one day, so why ask for her back if I know one day I will have to say goodbye to her again. Why put myself and her through that again? Or even worse, what if I went before her? Why would I put her through that pain? No, as much as I want her back and would not turn away such a gift if it were to happen, I know it cannot and will not happen. I really do believe she's in a better place and she always meant more to me than myself so I do not want to take her away from such happiness and peace. As happy as we were together, I know it is nothing compared to the happiness she now feels. I have read that people who experienced NDEs come back feeling such sadness and longing for the eternal life they briefly experienced with all its peace and love. I would not want to take that from Lily. She was a wonderful person who always shared joy and love with everyone she met, she truly knew no stranger, and she is where she will receive that in return. She deserves it after going through what she did on earth. If it means I have to be lonely, sad and experience the pain of living without her, then so be it.
  13. But that's part of the problem. People don't really want to know and I am not going to open myself up to a brick wall. When I have tried to express my feelings, I can read their facial response and they don't want to know. They ask to be nice, that's it. Not to mention, it only opens the door for empty platitudes. I am over them and if saying fine just gets it over with and everyone moves on from the conversation that they really don't want details anyway, then so be it. My thing is why bother asking when you really don't want to know or when the only answer you want is not what I can give. It's easier for someone who lost a spouse that the outside world recognized as your spouse to share how they are doing or feeling. It's hard for me to say much or how much I hurt when people think I only lost my friend. I can see the looks on their faces and I don't need to hear 'oh, you'll make more friends.' And no, I can't tell anyone, nor do I wish to. Believe me, it's a lot easier said than done and I do not want to go down that road. So, I just try to keep to myself as much as possible.
  14. Yes, I hate it when people ask me how I'm doing when they really mean how do I feel. I say fine but that's not true. I feel horrible, I'm lost and incomplete and I feel like nothing will ever be the same or bring me joy like it once did. Today is week 16 and I 'feel' just as bad as I did week 1. I may be 'doing' better in that I can get through a day's work without trying to hide or avoid people because I am about to burst out in tears or that I can talk with someone about the weather, but in no way am I 'feeling' better. I resent them when they ask even though I know they don't mean any harm but I just want to say, how do you think I feel? life has no meaning some days! But I know they don't want to hear this, nor do I want to punish them for being ignorant. They don't know what they don't know.
  15. Thank you, SweetBear. This means a lot to me. Yes, I try to remember this every day and I tell myself one day we will be reunited for eternal happiness! That's all I want for Lily, eternal happiness! I seem to go through these thoughts on a regular basis every single day. I want her back because I miss her so much in my life. I feel empty and incomplete, but then I tell myself that she is happy! Not only does she have no more pain or anguish, but she doesn't have to struggle or work so hard every day. She no longer has to keep sharing her sunshine and joy for life with sour people who only live to bring you down because they can't stand to somone so happy. I don't want to take her from that either to come back to this hard world. She deserves the happiness and peace and love she is surrounded with in Heaven. I also tell myself, if she were to come back, I would have to go through this again at some point in the future again. Or even worse, she would have to go through it if I left her! Why would I want to take her from Heaven to leave her here all alone! No, I just have to learn to move forward and remind myself I am not alone. I have her and I have God with me. And I have the wonderful and understanding friends I have made here to help keep me going as well. Thank you all!