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Lulu

Members
  • Content count

    163
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About Lulu

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Loss Type
    Significant other
  • Angel Date
    April 2017
  1. Lost my soulmate

    Well, I went to my first session today. Of course, the tears started gushing, but it was somewhat comforting to at least be able to express some of the feelings I've had to someone face to face and not feel any judgement. I can't say I learned much today or that I feel too optimistic about it, I mean he gave me some tips that I already found on my own by reading books on grief and from this wonderful forum. It's like I'm starting at level 1 when I'm really at level 4. But, I am going to give it a chance and see how it goes. I don't expect miracles after one session so I'm not putting much weight into my feelings after this one session. I found my new therapist very understanding and kind, and very validating of my feelings. So, we'll go from here. I will see him again next week and see how it goes.
  2. Lost my soulmate

    Thanks, KMB. I will do that! I keep oscillating between going and not going, so we'll see if I build up enough courage to go.
  3. Lost my soulmate

    I truly believe she's with me in spirit and is happy and I am trying to come to terms that it was indeed her time, despite how it appeared. But, I just can't let go. I thought I was doing better but the pain has always been there, underneath and from time to time, it overcomes me. I think about her every day and I tear up every day but every now and then I just have a good cry. It just seems so unfair. I've received signs that I really believe are from her, but they only ease the pain momentarily. It always returns. I'm going to see a grief therapist next week for the first time. It's so hard because I'm so shy and afraid of opening up face to face with someone but I can't take this anymore. I hope I don't chicken out and cancel.
  4. Lost my soulmate

    Yes, we'll survive. But is that enough? I'm not sure it is anymore. I keep going but I can't stop wishing she was here. Just a smile and a giggle from her made my day. Imiss her texts in the morning making sure I made it to work and then her call during her break to tell me what she ate for lunch, and then checking in on our way home. It seems there's always a reminder that I am so alone and she is gone. I feel guilty because I know she's in the best place, full of peace and love. What about me! I have nothing. I feel selfish for thinking it but I can't help it.
  5. Lost my soulmate

    It's been so months this week and I don't feel any better. Sure, I go to work and I perform well, I talk with colleagues, I even laugh with them but inside I'm so sad and lonely. I call my mom at least three times a day just to have someone to talk to, even if it's about nothing. I'm so lonely for my Lily. I pray and ask God for strength and courage to go on. I ask Him to show me my purpose but I have such an empty life now. I work, go home, watch TV, eat a small dinner, go to sleep and repeat. I talk to Lily ever day, I thank God for taking care of her, allowing me to have so many years with her, but what else is there for me. I try to stay positive and be happy she is happy and had peace. I think she's with me but I miss her physical presence. I miss her voice, her smile, her laugh, hanging out together, the little things. I will never hurt myself but I don't want to be here without her. If I don't wake up tomorrow, at least the pain would be gone. I miss her so much and I feel like I have nothing. Why did this happen?! Why? I know I need to let go but I just can't. This is the hardest thing I've ever been through and I don't know if I can make it. I'm just so sad. I want her back.
  6. Lost my soulmate

    Hi LoveGoli, It's been five months this week, and I can honestly say the pain and loneliness is just as deep as it was on day one. A day doesn't go by that I don't think about my Lily or shed a tear for her and the pain she went through (I'm tearing up as I write this), but I don't have the uncontrollable sobbing. I can laugh and talk with colleagues and my family, but at the same time, I feel like I'm being a phony because inside I feel so lonely and sad. Work keeps me busy but I feel the loneliness when I leave work and on the weekends. A thing some people don't seem to get is that I am not lonely for 'people' or just anyone, I am lonely for Lily. We spent every minute together outside of work and it is a huge adjustment and void without her. I keep myself busy with reading and I putter around the backyard a little, but nothing like I used to. There are so many memories in the house and around town, that I just can't escape them. I don't want to but they bring me such sadness of what will never be again. I keep telling myself that she is okay, better than okay! She is so happy and is getting the peace and love she deserves after working so hard and suffering such pain and anguish this past year, but I still miss her and wish I could talk with her again, eat dinner together, ride into town on the weekends, or just watching tv. I miss her every minute of the day. Sometimes, I feel it's because I haven't really accepted that she is gone and is not coming back. Maybe so, but how can I? How can I when she was everything to me? I'm sorry you are going through this hell and even though I feel like I can't provide any words of wisdom or comfort, please know that all of us here to understand what you are going through. I can only say what I've been doing and that is to take it one day at a time.
  7. In one dream, I was laying down and feeling so sad. I saw a figure I recognized and I held out my hand and said will you hold my hand? This person held and squeezed my hand. I then said will you please hug me? I was so sad and missing my Lily and just wanted someone to hug me. This person leaned over and hugged me, it felt so good and comforting, and when they pulled away I was feeling sad that my Lily was not here. Then I realized it was Lily all the time. I saw that it was her but for some reason, it didn't click that this is the person I was missing. I instantly woke up and I clearly remembered that it was her all along but for some reason, within the dream I didn't notice and was just feeling sad that she wasn't with me. She didn't say anything, but I know it was her.
  8. Lost my first love, lost everything

    Although I don't necessarily wonder why others are not dead, when I see older individuals or people who are surviving through cancer diagnosis, I do wonder why do they get to live long lives while Lily wasn't? She was so healthy, didn't smoke, drink, do drugs. her only vice was a sweet tooth, but she didn't go overboard and she ate well. Had never been sick or had any major or minor surgeries until last year when she got sick. I wonder why her and why was she not able to beat it? she handled the chemo and surgery well last year and was always a delight to others in the hospital and cancer center, but then it suddently came back with a vengeance and she never had a chance. why? I don't understand and I never will but I do often say why them and not Lily? I sometimes feel bad about thinking it too but it's an honest question. Why?
  9. Something else did happen a few weeks ago that I believe was a sign from Lily. I have been asking for a sign or a visit from her, and feeling like I was not being heard. One day, on my way out the door to work, I looked at her picture and said, Lily please give me a sign that you are listening to me. Please you have to give me something, and I have to know it's from you. Please! I then decided to drive the car she used to drive instead of mine, and when I tried to move the gear stick into reverse, it wouldn't budge! I tried and it was stuck. I had just driven the car a couple days before and no issues came up, so this was weird. After a few minutes, it moved. I then moved it back to park and tried again. It got stuck again. I did this about three times. Finally, after I pulled out of the driveway, I said Lily was that you? Please let everything go alright with the car now, please no more problems with the gear shift. If was you, please make everything work okay. Well, no issues since! When I went to lunch that day and then when I left work, the gear shift worked just fine and I haven't had any issues with it since. This never happened before, so I do believe it was her! Some may think it was a coincidence, and I have had those thoughts too, but if I am asking for a sign and I get it, then I have to believe! If i want her to send me more signs, then I have to believe them when I receive them! I haven't had anymore signs since then, or maybe they have been subtle and I have missed them, but I have hope and truly believe she is with me and can hear me. I still get sad that I haven't had a visitation dream, but I know one day, I will. Maybe she is still recovering from the pain and suffering she endured or maybe I have to relax and let some of this deep grief lift. But, I know she is with me. I just wish I could see and hug her!
  10. nine days...do people forget me?

    Thank you. This brought tears to my eyes. Yes, it may be easier to just come forth, after all Lily is not here to experience the judgement but I don't want her memory to be tarnished in anyway. I want those she loved, but who wouldn't understand, to keep the memory of what a sweet, kind, generous, and joyful person she was forever untarnished. It's hard, but I can take it. Thank you so much for your kind words. They mean a lot to me.
  11. nine days...do people forget me?

    I know and agree, but then that would just add to the drama. And I didn't want them to discover the truth about our relationship. I know it would change their opinions about Lily and she was too sweet and kind to have anyone think negatively about her. It would hurt me too much. I kept what was important to me and every card she ever gave me, and those things mean more to me than all the money in the world!
  12. nine days...do people forget me?

    Yes, I have experienced this entitlement from some of Lily's family. It made me so sad. I wanted to say so badly, is that all you care about? what you will get/gain from her tragedy? Although they didn't fight me on it, some did express their disappointment that I would dare want to keep a couple things that I had given her due to sentimental reasons. Those things meant something to me because they made her so happy when I gave them to her and they remind me of those moments, while to them they are just possessions that may or may not be worth something. I bite my tongue because I don't want any additional problems and because I know despite their flaws, Lily loved them dearly.
  13. nine days...do people forget me?

    It's so true that people just go back to their own lives and they don't have trouble moving on while we are still stuck in the same place, trying to make sense of it all. When my Lily passed away earlier this year, people said I'll be there for you or let's stay in touch but if I am not the one reaching out to them first, then I don't hear from them at all. I am extremely shy so this makes it even more difficult. Then add to it that I think to myself if they haven't reached out to me, they must be busy with their own lives and so I don't want to be interrupt their lives and bring them down. So after trying a couple of times, I've now resigned myself to just mourn by myself. Even most of my family don't reach out to me. I have my mom but I try not to talk too much about how sad I am because it makes her sad. So yeah, it's tough when you see others moving on, laughing and having a good time when deep inside you feel so much pain, sadness, and loneliness and have to put on a happy face, especially at work. If it wasn't for this community where I've been able to express myself and what I can't say to others, I don't know where I'd be right now.
  14. I have had a couple dreams but not sure if they were visitation dreams, although they were very comforting. Something else that did happen that I have come to take as a sign has to do with a watch I gave Lily years ago. Early in our relationship, I bought her a very nice watch that she absolutely loved. She always wore it and hardly took it off. Last year, she wanted one of those new smart watches so I got her one and she stopped wearing the first watch. I didn't think about it much. Earlier this year after packing her things together, I realized that I didn't see the first watch among her things. I wondered where it was and thought maybe she gave it to a family member or lost it and didn't mention it to me. Oh, well. I thought. She used to have all of her previous photo IDs and she had shown them to me once and I loved looking at them, seeing her in her younger years before I met her. I thought about those as well since I didn't come across them either. Well, a couple of days later I went through a drawer in my bathroom (we each had our own so we wouldn't be in each other's way in the morning when getting dressed for work) and I knew she kept some toiletries in the drawer but I wanted to look through it for some reason. Well, I found a small bag of hers where she used to keep her medications and in it was that watch and her old IDs! I couldn't believe it! There were the things I was thinking about and longing for. What are the odds I thought! I couldn't believe it that both the watch and her IDs were in that little bag waiting for me to find them. I am convinced she made that happen. Maybe something told her to put them together in there and she later led me to look through that drawer. I wear the watch now every day and keep the IDs in my purse, always with me.
  15. Lost my soulmate

    You're right. I guess I just miss her physical presence in my life and still struggle with the 'fairness' of it all. Why her? Somethings will never make sense and that's difficult for me to accept. I look forward to that visitation dream so much, just waking up without it is so disappointing. But one day, one day.
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