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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie


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About crownholder2

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    cardwell ,mo-63829
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    Jesus,computer games,music-contempory christian-K-love
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    my husband
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  1. Need pastorial helpplus anything to help me understand

    Hi again.I have been very emotional this week and their fight ,well I literally had to just sit and listen to things I didn't want or need to know.It is over and today I am off to clean at my apt. And when I go home I will be taking no pot home with me,as that is making provision for the flesh.And as DIL and son both work,I do chore every day.There are 5 people who live here,with me,six and laundry is never ending but I got it. And yes,I see your point about how I see the Father.My mom was quite mean to put it mildly and dad was just absent.So I have always expected swift and harsh punishment from the Lord.However He has been so merciful to me the last 40 yrs I just keep waiting for Him to beat me.Even as bad as this past year has been God has been kind and so loving.I am facing a new chapter in my life ,should I live,I want it devoted to God and I want to know I am obeying Him in all things,tho I know we all sin daily.There is forgivenessif we pray and I have to stop condemning myself so I can pray.Its all being worked out by the Lord and I am trying to go with the flow.I have to go shower and go ,so thank you for talking to me it has helped me a lot.Love Ruthanne
  2. Lost my husband of 41 years.

    Thank you ladies.I am blessed with a DIL who has a very soft heart.And we did get to put flowers on the graves.And when Robin(DIL) went to pay for them the guy behind her told her to go on,he would get the stuff for her.No reason,no expectations,just Gods' Grace.There are still wonderful people here in this world. My apt is flea free and I am going this A.M. to clean bedroom and bathroom floors and get it ready for the furn.to go back in .They still have to paint the rest of my apt. but God is good all the time.I should be home for good by next Friday! I pray everything is fine with both of you ladies,TTYL,Love Ruthanne
  3. Lost my husband of 41 years.

    Hi.I wish I could go home.my apt.ceiling fell in and then they had to tear out bedroom ceiling due to roof leak which had to be fixed and then the flea infestation which was treated yesterday and again in 2 wks.I am going to check for fleas tomorrow and start cleaning up the mess so I can move home.I can't take my cats back til the fleas are gone. I told my DIL how she hurt me and of course she apologized as soon as she got home from work yesterday.Anyway,she is going to pick up some flowers and we will go to the cemetery to see my guys.Or what's left of them,their headstones.Not so,their memories will remain as long as I am here.Don't know how it will go but it will go.thank y'all for answering me,love Ruthanne
  4. Need pastorial helpplus anything to help me understand

    Hello.I can't believe nobody can help me.God is not finished yet.My son and his wife had a horrible fight and now she says I hate her ,hate living here.I am miserable cause I am not home and have serious panic disorder.I am most comfortable at my sons house than anywhere else but home.Now it's gonna be 2 more weeks. Hi Modkonnie.I have smoked pot for over 40 years and that has kept me from doing any meaningful work for God as It is a besetting sin I can't quit.I have begged Him to deliver me,seen Him deliver a lot of my friends,so I know the fault isn't Him it's me.I just feel like He is trying to clean me up before He can use me as the Word says His ears are closed to the unrighteous.However,I am covered in the Blood so I'm not unrighteous in His eyes but When I sin against Him everyday it gets very hard to ask forgiveness.That is why I feel so chastened.And I know it is Love that drives Him and I love Him but I don't obey everything.I obey everything I can but some things,not.And I know God is not cruel.He loves me and has a purpose for me but I have to be obedient. hope that makes a bit more sense to you.Thank you so much for answering me,I feel alone,tho I learned long ago I am never alone and never will be,Love Ruthanne
  5. Lost my husband of 41 years.

    hi again.I posted over in religious beliefs and nobody answered.So I come here.Please go read and reply.It's only getting worse.I am having to live with my son and his wife and tonight after all the drama,they had a huge fight and she brought me into it by saying I hate her and hate living here no matter how hard she tries to make me feel comfortable.I have panic disorder and am ONLY comfortable at home and this is the next best thing and I have told her that repeatedly.Just today we looked at wedding pictures and I told her I have always been proud to have her as my daughter in law and love her to death.Just today!I can go to my nieces house til my apt is ready but then my son would be madder at her so I don't know what to do.She said she is tired of the depression and mental issues(which only I have) and Thursday is one year without Larry and I need him so bad right now.I don't know what to do
  6. Hello.Its been awhile since I have been here.I Lost my husband of 41 yrs.I am on the religious forum cause my problem is spiritual.In 4 days it will be a year since I saw him die.Problem is I can't grieve.People are telling me I am grieving in just the way God made me to grieve.That stems from my strong will.As an abused child I learned coping strategys to deal with the pain.They came alive when I lost Larry.I have no emotion.No tears.No hope,no happiness he is safe at home.I hope there is a pastor on this site ,for I need help. Ok,I cried once,and that is when my defenses went up.God is trying to knock them down but they are inpenetrable to my eyes,which I know how stupid that sounds.I do have one other emotion.Faith.It is strong.In this past year,I had triple by-pass surgery(without Larry)It has been six months since that,so I am healed for a few years.Whoop-de-do.I have gratitude that the Lord is taking care of me ,no matter what and there are a lot of "whats".I had to put down my 9 yr old cat the day I got out of hosp.She had major open sore ,infected.and I was only gone for 8 days.It was the kindest thing for her.Sothen I was gifted with 2 kittens and everything they needed.And was told I could only have one and they had been together since birth.I still have them and they are not bringing it back up.July 27th the ceiling in my apt fell in.From back wall to ceiling fan.Termites.All had to replaced.I have a severe panic disorder.I can't be away from my home for that long.then they found the leak in the roof in my bedroom so it had to be redone.Now everything is fixed but the massive flea infestation,It has taken me from that day to This to rid them poor babies from fleas.I can't walk in with out my leg covered with so many fleas ,like dozens,you can't miss them.I should be overwhelmed by all this.But I see blessings.I an rebelling against God.He wants me to go to church so I will have a church family.Also ,I can't serve Him from mt apt.He wants me out in the world ,being an ambassador.But I don't do well with people.Between panic(lack of faith) and pride,I don't have a prayer in the world.I can't do anything for His Kingdom with a besetting sin.A habit I put before Him as if I loved Him I would keep His commandments ,which are not grevious.And I know I am saved cause Jesus said,In Hebrews,that no chastening is pleasant ,but afterwards,yeilds the peaceable fruit of righteousness,without which we cannot see the Faather.He says if we are NOT chastened we are NOT sons and daughters,but bastards,for whom God Loves He Chastens. Any way.four days to the anniversary and I am still in denial.I don't expect him back,I just haven't accepted he is gone forever.I am a bit afraid of what will happens if God decides to just crush the dam and let it all out.I am out of words,Love Ruthanne
  7. Lost my husband of 41 years.

    Hello.I haven't been here for awhile.I am sorry.I did ask for a referral but don't need one.I have to take the first step myself.The Lord has taken the suicide spirits away,run them off ,so to speak. 'I am having another problem.I am not grieving.I don't cry,I don't feel the loss likeI did.I wonder did I really love him?Or is my brain protecting me from the pain?I know I loved him so I guess I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.I feel like the pain is going to be my undoing.But feelings aren't reliable. I must trust God is going to be the one to open me up to it,when I am ready.But what if the pain I felt at the beginning is all I will feel? What kind of person does that make me? Narcissistic?.I am already out of words.I felt I should come here as it is getting close to one year.How am I still functioning? Love Ruthanne
  8. I lost my girlfriend to suicide

    Hi JCooper. I know its been awhile since I was here.I am glad you were able to come back. Depression is nobodies friend and can get quite a hold on you.Please don't allow this to consume you forever. I am quite sure that is exactly what she WOULDN'T have wanted for you.You are the first person I am replying to after a long season of solitude.Which only made the grief harder and the alone time is so alone.I pray to my Savior that He wrap you in His forcefield of peace and that He alone will be the one to lift that peace when He knows you are ready to deal.As you go through this period please try to smile and remember the good times.It is not a betrayel to feel again.I realize I am saying this 19 yrs after the loss of my son and regretfully,I don't remember when the pain crept into the background. And know that times it will feel as fresh as the first day. I wish I had some words to comfort you but ,alas,there aren't any.I pray you are not alone in this and have loved ones who understand without judgement.If there are none in your real life ,you have cyber friends who will do whatever we can to help you.You may rant and scream and cry and lash out at our Lord but this forum is a safe place to do so.I only wish you could FEEL the cyber hugs we are sending.Barring that I pray there is someone in your life that will understand you are broken at this time but God will repair you and use you to comfort somebody else.All in His time.Trust Him. Please tell us how you are doing,Here is one of those cyber hugs,a friend,Ruthanne
  9. Lost my husband of 41 years.

    hello my new friends.First,thank you for being there for me.May I someday be there for some of you.Kayc,I am sorry to hear about your daughter.Sorry doesn't cover it for her but it's all I know to say.So much hurt,so little time.For the devil.Anyway thank you all for being there for me.I was very weak in my faith. This morning started out the same but 2 people called me who haven't been calling me at all.My son is a lost cause,but rightly so.He works at construction and is trying to put his family back together.I believe God wants them together so I wish them well.I am a bit afraid about telling the dr.anything as I don't want locked up on a ward somewhere.But the Lord will guide me.I am going to tell him I think my meds need to be adjusted. How are all of you?the last day ,before yesterday,some of you were going through what I am now going through.Unable to think of the long haul.I have decided to trust the Lord(I believe trust is a decision,not a feeling)to get me through this day.Almost there,except I just woke up from my nap,so I have a way to go til bedtime.I make my own schedule now.Once I would have felt incredibly blessed to do things on MY schedule. It's not all it's cracked up to be.As a matter of fact,there are a lot of things that don't measure up.on the whole I would have lived different but loved exactly the same.God made me to love and hatred can't live in my heart. I spent my last money today and of course was amazed that I had enough for cig and a few other things I needed.I did keep enough for cigs.cause I have no intention of letting my son buy necessities for me as he also has a family.Pride.the root of all MY sins. It really helped me to type all this out.Like talking I suppose.And my female cat woke me up gently and purring.That was a treat for me.God is good all the time,Love Ruthanne
  10. Lost my husband of 41 years.

    thank you all and I feel I was under an especially strong attack from the devil.My faith was weak and I gave in to the hopelessness.The MINUTE I posted my first post today ,the phone rang and it was the friend I talk to.I was weak and God sent some angels to camp around me and for that I want to thank all of you.And my friend C wouldn't let me off the phone til she was sure I was alright.Which was 7:30 tonight!Gotta love her.She says I help her.I don't see how but she said she needs me if nobody else does. My son has no idea how devastated I am in my day to day walk.No body does.Well C does now as I talked to her about it.I am afraid to lose my independence if I mention the suicide spirits are back,as they will admit me somewhere and my independence is all I have left.Fot the first time in my life,I live alone(well I was gifted 2 kittens,so I have fur babies but can't seem to bond to them as I can't pull my head out of my butt(Larry used to say that about our sons), and pay them any attention.I have a bond with cats and even that appears to be gone.I am getting off now as I need to space out to Pandora and King.com.That clears my head as in empties it and hopefully when I get up tomorrow I will be better.Thank you all for your patience. PS to Meesh,the universe has no intelligence.And God will be there when you are ready.I pray He comforts you.Not cause He owes us but cause He loves us.I am not saying you have to believe in God but not believing doesn't make Him go away.Please don't take this as anything but me trying to comfort you in your loss of your God.And if I can comfort you in any way please let me know.Love Ruthanne
  11. Lost my husband of 41 years.

    thank you,my friends.I am much better now.I am going to make myself make it til Friday.Love Ruthanne
  12. Lost my husband of 41 years.

    Hi I am going to try to post.My keyboard is not behaving.Actually it is working fine here. I tried to post on my message board,my Christian family,and I couldn't.My keyboard wouldn't take a lot of letters.Since Larry died,I have gone to my board so many times and the Father would just blank out my mind.I knew He didn't want me to post there but I didn't and don't know why.Today kind of proves it to me.My keyboard is working great here,I was just going to tell them that I was reading but unable to think of anything to say.It took a lot of work but I got that much out. I have the feeling(tho I know feelings aren't truth) that the Lord is keeping me to Himself.Trying to get something through my thick skull.Lately my self-esteem seems to have bottomed out.I am the worst negative Nancy.I don't speak to people,I have one friend I call,and she lost her husband 1-5-17.I have no words of comfort.I thought God had given me the gift of empathy,throughout all my saved life,but I don't have any now.I am unable to help myself,let alone anyone else.And writing this makes me feel like I am drowning in self pity.Welcome to my pity party.I have suffered depression since I was eight.Suicidal depression.It is back.I want to die.I have been given back my life after the heart surgery but I don't want it.I am blessed to be financially able to survive,tho only that.But I always lived that way.Many people have way less to live on than I do.People are very nice to me,always.I feel that is a grace from the Lord. Everyone keeps telling me I have my son and 3 grandsons to live for.That is not enough to fight the suicide feelings dominating my thoughts.I can't imagine living without Larry for one year, let alone the rest of my life.I feel so good for nothing,why am I here.It's been 8 months and nothing has gotten better.I don't talk to but one person.My son comes over to bring my meds every morning,but I am asleep.He also comes for an hour or 2 on Sat morning.I can't tell anyone any of this.I feel deserted but I am the one isolating!!!Larry understood me,we were together at 16 and 17.I was a broken child and he fell for me.And stayed around to get me better and he went through so many suicide attempts and hospitalizations and was always there for me.God has saved my life so many times,I really should be dead.Drs. can't understand why I am not.Me either.If I can make it til Friday,I have a drs. appt. and plan to ask for referral to mental health place. Obviously,my depression cocktail is not working anymore and must be adjusted.Why did God let me post here,where everyone is raw and hurting?Why am I even telling all this?I don't know.Love Ruthanne
  13. Lost my husband of 41 years.

    hello Francine and Kayc.I read your replies.Sorry I went off like that.I sit alone or sleep all day everyday except stress week.I listen to preachers and K-love or Pandora.I truly believe" Garbage in-garbage out". So I don't watch alot of TV.I got an adult coloring book but even a coloring book is too hard for me now,lol. In truth,the pictures are all intricate designs,meant to take time and special attention to detail.I do love color. I also loved both my boys the same. With all my heart but different cause they were people.Individuals.I could never have chosen between them and never did "favor"either of them. I spent another 95 pictures with Lar again last night.They are transferred to my comp.so I have a slide show.They comfort me so much as they are all of family gatherings and happy times.They in turn,bring more happy memories.Of Jason as well as Larry.Though Jace isn't in any of them.In 18 yrs I have not been to my picture drawer.So dumb!I am sure there are tons of memories in there to make me happy but I can't do it yet.I have many memories anyway. Thank you for your kind replies.Someone replied while I was typing and it asked if I wanted it to show.I thought it would show when I got done but don't know if it will.It was an accident.I never would NOT want to read a reply.Bye for now,Love Ruthanne
  14. Lost my husband of 41 years.

    Hi everyone.That is how I will have to say hi til I learn all your names.I am a fast learner but I don't seem to have the same mind I used to. I'm glad I get e-mails from here cause I will usually answer. I didn't get a reply on the part of my post about losing my 23 yr old son.It was 18 yrs ago. He shot himself in the head. He didn't reach out for me and we were so close! My son Steven still calls me momma and I believe he has risen up and called me blessed. He is the best son. He is an alcoholic but being born again 2 or 3 yrs ago,he has hated it with a fierceness. But he isn't in his Word or at AA meetings cause he feels hopeless.I let him know,whenever the Lord quickens me how Jesus is stronger than anything but he doesn't see that represented in my life.I KNOW God accepts me just as I am and knew when He saved me how long it would take me to be changed into the likeness of His Blessed Son. He knew Jason would kill himself at 23 and He saved him at 10 or 11.Steven went up front in church but mama knew he didn't get re-born.I saw God working in Jaces' life, not many, he was very young but I saw when the Lord was working on him. I kept quiet, after all I had just given him to my God to do as He thought best. I also saw the devil work on him and I did enlighten him on what was going on then. I didn't go to church(besetting sin) but I lived Christ in every way I could and they both saw God at work on an imperfect person and still He gave me assurance and wisdom on how I raised my boys. I only had the 2. Why has nobody said what a horrible person I am for feeling more hopeless than when Jason died? I can remember it like yesterday but the pain of losing Larry is worse. I can't share any of this with my in-laws or my son. He lost his brother and ,now his father.I lost my heart.I never felt special to anyone,even my kids,even God,only Larry made me feel unconditionally loved.My son Steven is moving on,I think,tho I don't think he sees it yet. Tho my son killed himself I still know I am a good mother. With Larry, I feel like I let him down so many times and was mean to him so many times when it was uncalled for.I know the devil is attacking me right now and he tells me I can't pray cause "Your sin separates you from your God". If any of you are right with God,please pray for me.I am born again but have never learned to appropriate the Power of the Holy Spirit.I am so willful.I have to do things my way and we ALL know that doesn't work.I am now going to play my games so I can block out everything but the music ,or preaching(Bott Radio network)but I have a dread of what you will all think of me when you read this.I don't pull my punches when it comes to me so I hope none of you will either.I am not seeking sympathy but honest opinions.I will keep an eye on my e-mails,Love Ruthanne
  15. Lost my husband of 41 years.

    Hi.Yesterday my sister-in-law called and asked about me.I told her I didn't feel good .She asked what was wrong.I told her not physically bad but in my head.She tried to encourage me to talk but I had to tell her there are no words in my head or heart with missing him so much.I truly have no words to say.I can't put it into words and that is distressing me very badly.I have always been a talker and am never short on words,,But I can't name the feelings I am having ,having never felt them so badly.I lost my son and I thought that would be the worst thing that could ever happen to me.WRONG!!!My son was a piece of the love me and Larry had and God put him into our lives.He was a great joy.But with Larry,I am only half alive and that half hurts too much to put into words that make sense. So here I sit,once again with no more words.Totally blank.Love Ruthanne