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About crownholder2

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    my husband
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  1. Hello.I haven't been here for awhile.I am sorry.I did ask for a referral but don't need one.I have to take the first step myself.The Lord has taken the suicide spirits away,run them off ,so to speak. 'I am having another problem.I am not grieving.I don't cry,I don't feel the loss likeI did.I wonder did I really love him?Or is my brain protecting me from the pain?I know I loved him so I guess I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.I feel like the pain is going to be my undoing.But feelings aren't reliable. I must trust God is going to be the one to open me up to it,when I am ready.But what if the pain I felt at the beginning is all I will feel? What kind of person does that make me? Narcissistic?.I am already out of words.I felt I should come here as it is getting close to one year.How am I still functioning? Love Ruthanne
  2. Hi JCooper. I know its been awhile since I was here.I am glad you were able to come back. Depression is nobodies friend and can get quite a hold on you.Please don't allow this to consume you forever. I am quite sure that is exactly what she WOULDN'T have wanted for you.You are the first person I am replying to after a long season of solitude.Which only made the grief harder and the alone time is so alone.I pray to my Savior that He wrap you in His forcefield of peace and that He alone will be the one to lift that peace when He knows you are ready to deal.As you go through this period please try to smile and remember the good times.It is not a betrayel to feel again.I realize I am saying this 19 yrs after the loss of my son and regretfully,I don't remember when the pain crept into the background. And know that times it will feel as fresh as the first day. I wish I had some words to comfort you but ,alas,there aren't any.I pray you are not alone in this and have loved ones who understand without judgement.If there are none in your real life ,you have cyber friends who will do whatever we can to help you.You may rant and scream and cry and lash out at our Lord but this forum is a safe place to do so.I only wish you could FEEL the cyber hugs we are sending.Barring that I pray there is someone in your life that will understand you are broken at this time but God will repair you and use you to comfort somebody else.All in His time.Trust Him. Please tell us how you are doing,Here is one of those cyber hugs,a friend,Ruthanne
  3. hello my new friends.First,thank you for being there for me.May I someday be there for some of you.Kayc,I am sorry to hear about your daughter.Sorry doesn't cover it for her but it's all I know to say.So much hurt,so little time.For the devil.Anyway thank you all for being there for me.I was very weak in my faith. This morning started out the same but 2 people called me who haven't been calling me at all.My son is a lost cause,but rightly so.He works at construction and is trying to put his family back together.I believe God wants them together so I wish them well.I am a bit afraid about telling the dr.anything as I don't want locked up on a ward somewhere.But the Lord will guide me.I am going to tell him I think my meds need to be adjusted. How are all of you?the last day ,before yesterday,some of you were going through what I am now going through.Unable to think of the long haul.I have decided to trust the Lord(I believe trust is a decision,not a feeling)to get me through this day.Almost there,except I just woke up from my nap,so I have a way to go til bedtime.I make my own schedule now.Once I would have felt incredibly blessed to do things on MY schedule. It's not all it's cracked up to be.As a matter of fact,there are a lot of things that don't measure up.on the whole I would have lived different but loved exactly the same.God made me to love and hatred can't live in my heart. I spent my last money today and of course was amazed that I had enough for cig and a few other things I needed.I did keep enough for cigs.cause I have no intention of letting my son buy necessities for me as he also has a family.Pride.the root of all MY sins. It really helped me to type all this out.Like talking I suppose.And my female cat woke me up gently and purring.That was a treat for me.God is good all the time,Love Ruthanne
  4. thank you all and I feel I was under an especially strong attack from the devil.My faith was weak and I gave in to the hopelessness.The MINUTE I posted my first post today ,the phone rang and it was the friend I talk to.I was weak and God sent some angels to camp around me and for that I want to thank all of you.And my friend C wouldn't let me off the phone til she was sure I was alright.Which was 7:30 tonight!Gotta love her.She says I help her.I don't see how but she said she needs me if nobody else does. My son has no idea how devastated I am in my day to day walk.No body does.Well C does now as I talked to her about it.I am afraid to lose my independence if I mention the suicide spirits are back,as they will admit me somewhere and my independence is all I have left.Fot the first time in my life,I live alone(well I was gifted 2 kittens,so I have fur babies but can't seem to bond to them as I can't pull my head out of my butt(Larry used to say that about our sons), and pay them any attention.I have a bond with cats and even that appears to be gone.I am getting off now as I need to space out to Pandora and clears my head as in empties it and hopefully when I get up tomorrow I will be better.Thank you all for your patience. PS to Meesh,the universe has no intelligence.And God will be there when you are ready.I pray He comforts you.Not cause He owes us but cause He loves us.I am not saying you have to believe in God but not believing doesn't make Him go away.Please don't take this as anything but me trying to comfort you in your loss of your God.And if I can comfort you in any way please let me know.Love Ruthanne
  5. thank you,my friends.I am much better now.I am going to make myself make it til Friday.Love Ruthanne
  6. Hi I am going to try to post.My keyboard is not behaving.Actually it is working fine here. I tried to post on my message board,my Christian family,and I couldn't.My keyboard wouldn't take a lot of letters.Since Larry died,I have gone to my board so many times and the Father would just blank out my mind.I knew He didn't want me to post there but I didn't and don't know why.Today kind of proves it to me.My keyboard is working great here,I was just going to tell them that I was reading but unable to think of anything to say.It took a lot of work but I got that much out. I have the feeling(tho I know feelings aren't truth) that the Lord is keeping me to Himself.Trying to get something through my thick skull.Lately my self-esteem seems to have bottomed out.I am the worst negative Nancy.I don't speak to people,I have one friend I call,and she lost her husband 1-5-17.I have no words of comfort.I thought God had given me the gift of empathy,throughout all my saved life,but I don't have any now.I am unable to help myself,let alone anyone else.And writing this makes me feel like I am drowning in self pity.Welcome to my pity party.I have suffered depression since I was eight.Suicidal depression.It is back.I want to die.I have been given back my life after the heart surgery but I don't want it.I am blessed to be financially able to survive,tho only that.But I always lived that way.Many people have way less to live on than I do.People are very nice to me,always.I feel that is a grace from the Lord. Everyone keeps telling me I have my son and 3 grandsons to live for.That is not enough to fight the suicide feelings dominating my thoughts.I can't imagine living without Larry for one year, let alone the rest of my life.I feel so good for nothing,why am I here.It's been 8 months and nothing has gotten better.I don't talk to but one person.My son comes over to bring my meds every morning,but I am asleep.He also comes for an hour or 2 on Sat morning.I can't tell anyone any of this.I feel deserted but I am the one isolating!!!Larry understood me,we were together at 16 and 17.I was a broken child and he fell for me.And stayed around to get me better and he went through so many suicide attempts and hospitalizations and was always there for me.God has saved my life so many times,I really should be dead.Drs. can't understand why I am not.Me either.If I can make it til Friday,I have a drs. appt. and plan to ask for referral to mental health place. Obviously,my depression cocktail is not working anymore and must be adjusted.Why did God let me post here,where everyone is raw and hurting?Why am I even telling all this?I don't know.Love Ruthanne
  7. hello Francine and Kayc.I read your replies.Sorry I went off like that.I sit alone or sleep all day everyday except stress week.I listen to preachers and K-love or Pandora.I truly believe" Garbage in-garbage out". So I don't watch alot of TV.I got an adult coloring book but even a coloring book is too hard for me now,lol. In truth,the pictures are all intricate designs,meant to take time and special attention to detail.I do love color. I also loved both my boys the same. With all my heart but different cause they were people.Individuals.I could never have chosen between them and never did "favor"either of them. I spent another 95 pictures with Lar again last night.They are transferred to my I have a slide show.They comfort me so much as they are all of family gatherings and happy times.They in turn,bring more happy memories.Of Jason as well as Larry.Though Jace isn't in any of them.In 18 yrs I have not been to my picture drawer.So dumb!I am sure there are tons of memories in there to make me happy but I can't do it yet.I have many memories anyway. Thank you for your kind replies.Someone replied while I was typing and it asked if I wanted it to show.I thought it would show when I got done but don't know if it will.It was an accident.I never would NOT want to read a reply.Bye for now,Love Ruthanne
  8. Hi everyone.That is how I will have to say hi til I learn all your names.I am a fast learner but I don't seem to have the same mind I used to. I'm glad I get e-mails from here cause I will usually answer. I didn't get a reply on the part of my post about losing my 23 yr old son.It was 18 yrs ago. He shot himself in the head. He didn't reach out for me and we were so close! My son Steven still calls me momma and I believe he has risen up and called me blessed. He is the best son. He is an alcoholic but being born again 2 or 3 yrs ago,he has hated it with a fierceness. But he isn't in his Word or at AA meetings cause he feels hopeless.I let him know,whenever the Lord quickens me how Jesus is stronger than anything but he doesn't see that represented in my life.I KNOW God accepts me just as I am and knew when He saved me how long it would take me to be changed into the likeness of His Blessed Son. He knew Jason would kill himself at 23 and He saved him at 10 or 11.Steven went up front in church but mama knew he didn't get re-born.I saw God working in Jaces' life, not many, he was very young but I saw when the Lord was working on him. I kept quiet, after all I had just given him to my God to do as He thought best. I also saw the devil work on him and I did enlighten him on what was going on then. I didn't go to church(besetting sin) but I lived Christ in every way I could and they both saw God at work on an imperfect person and still He gave me assurance and wisdom on how I raised my boys. I only had the 2. Why has nobody said what a horrible person I am for feeling more hopeless than when Jason died? I can remember it like yesterday but the pain of losing Larry is worse. I can't share any of this with my in-laws or my son. He lost his brother and ,now his father.I lost my heart.I never felt special to anyone,even my kids,even God,only Larry made me feel unconditionally loved.My son Steven is moving on,I think,tho I don't think he sees it yet. Tho my son killed himself I still know I am a good mother. With Larry, I feel like I let him down so many times and was mean to him so many times when it was uncalled for.I know the devil is attacking me right now and he tells me I can't pray cause "Your sin separates you from your God". If any of you are right with God,please pray for me.I am born again but have never learned to appropriate the Power of the Holy Spirit.I am so willful.I have to do things my way and we ALL know that doesn't work.I am now going to play my games so I can block out everything but the music ,or preaching(Bott Radio network)but I have a dread of what you will all think of me when you read this.I don't pull my punches when it comes to me so I hope none of you will either.I am not seeking sympathy but honest opinions.I will keep an eye on my e-mails,Love Ruthanne
  9. Hi.Yesterday my sister-in-law called and asked about me.I told her I didn't feel good .She asked what was wrong.I told her not physically bad but in my head.She tried to encourage me to talk but I had to tell her there are no words in my head or heart with missing him so much.I truly have no words to say.I can't put it into words and that is distressing me very badly.I have always been a talker and am never short on words,,But I can't name the feelings I am having ,having never felt them so badly.I lost my son and I thought that would be the worst thing that could ever happen to me.WRONG!!!My son was a piece of the love me and Larry had and God put him into our lives.He was a great joy.But with Larry,I am only half alive and that half hurts too much to put into words that make sense. So here I sit,once again with no more words.Totally blank.Love Ruthanne
  10. good morning Gloria.My word,such a simple phrase,has such a different meaning since I lost Larry.I thank you,Jesus ,for leading me to this sanctuary.I know others don't get it.And the pain they see in us scares them to death.I used to be them.They don't mean to be hurtful when they drift away,they just can't face this pain til they have to.I pray you feel the peace of God flood you when you feel like it is all just too much. Personally,when I feel overwhelmed I am able to shut down like a faucet.But I don't think that is pleasing to my Lord.I also told my husband I would make him proud of me.I learned a lot from him and it hurts that he never thought he was able to teach me anything. When I read of all you have to do each day,I admire your strength.I am glad you have a reason to get back on your feet.Many of us here(from what I've read) have good reasons to go on,mainly family that loves us.We would never do anything to cause then this pain.I just pray you keep talking and somedays are easier than others,but they all crawl by,in my life.I am here to talk to whenever you want to .Just message me.I don't come in everyday ,so I guess I won't be here any time you need to talk but will be following you.God Bless you,Ruthanne
  11. Good evening Francine and KMB.Francine ,those were very loving and kind words.I am afraid I was in the middle of a giant pity party when I wrote this and I was so afraid people were going to call me on it. Francine I pray God hears your prayer cause I seem to be deaf to Him right now and don't even know if He is hearing mine.I know by faith,He is but It's not getting thru to my heart.But I won't let go of my faith.I have nothing without that.My son knows about the surgery.He wrote on FB the day after Larrys' funeral that his mama was the strongest woman he ever met.That was before the heart thing and he was by my side through almost all of it.He took off work for the surgery and the next day.I called him over today to do my bills but I hadn't the energy.I had been in bed most of the day and when he left at 5:30 I went back to bed til 9:30 or so.I got up ,got coffee and came here.Is that normal? To come here I mean,alot? I do know I am very strong.I guess I feel shame for the tears,not weakness.Neither is right.Tears are healthy.I must start to heal or die.I can't just be here.I can't not have a plan.I know Jesus has His plans but I feel like the people through all the ages when I say"How long God,How Long?".KMB,how are you faring?I know it is not smart to compare but you lost your husband 4 days before me so we are at the same place in our journey.That is not to say we are at the same PLACE,but in the time frame.Perhaps I feel so alone cause of my panic disorder.I go nowhere.I have to leave my house twice this week.To pay rent at the office and to go to pain clinic.I also suffer chronic pain.I have to go once a month because of the epidemic of opiate abuse.The government has really stepped up the restrictions on pain meds and rightfully so.So many teen-agers are dying from overdoses because they don't know how powerful they can be.Off subject. I know God knows me inside and out and I know He has given me strength for the journey and I know I have much strength.I tend to forget that as that is a good thing about me and I tend to dismiss good things about me. I have always got back up ,by the Grace of God.Actually,we have no choice but to get back up.I tried suicide too many times to count throughout my life and after my vow to God that is no longer an option.I am seeking help by coming here.It is allowing me NOT to stuff my feelings.And every time I think I can't take anymore the Lord sends me His angels ,like both of you,here tonight have bolstered up my faith and strength.I know I didn't find this forum by chance.I know the Lord knew the exact day I would find it and He is allowing me to get the poison out of me that is called hopelessness.Thank you both so much!I have suffered hopelessness so much in my life it sometimes feels like the norm.But now I am remembering the joy of my salvation and the wonder that God would love somebody like me.That He gave me such a wonderful man to spend my life with and now I have only to please Him and I have always wanted that,more than anything.Because of your answers I feel as though Jesus reached down,through y'all and hugged me.I praise the Lord for both of you,for whoever runs this board and all the hurting people here.I have read others posts of their pain and loss and somehow I want to alleviate some of their pain.I have been so lifted up ,right now,I can feel the love.I want to do that for somebody else.I guess that might be the reason this board works.I also guess you can tell I am an analytical person,lol. Thank you both again and I pray we will become friends,for life.Love,YSIC,Ruthanne
  12. Hello again.I am back with a new dilemma. I had open heart surgery in Feb.I am stuffing my feelings.I don't know how to not stuff them. When I go to bed at night I feel my heart doing weird things.I am not afraid.But I am actually hoping my heart won't hold out.I want to be with Jesus but there is Steven to consider.I haven't told people about my heart cause they will say the "hospital "word.I was traumatized there .After losing the mainstay of my life on earth.I wonder if the Lord is going to have mercy on me and take me home anyway.If I keep my faith in Him and do what He tells me.I'm thinking my heart is not physically healthy yet and the stress is what caused the heart attack that found the blockages that caused the surgery. If I tell no one and just let nature take its course my pain will be over and I will be in Heaven.I see a long road of nothing in front of me.I see a long road of unrevealed pain.I see no reason to be here.My son is 40.He expects to lose me eventually.And he just became a child of God a couple of years ago.He has 3 sons to keep his sanity.He can't understand how alone I am without his dad.I haven't trusted ,maybe,three people in my life and 2 of them are gone.My son is moving on,he was more prepared for Larry's death.He wasn't in denial.He started grieving in Feb when the terminal diagnosis came.I started grieving after my surgery.Then I stuffed it.I have cried 3 times.Once bad and twice just a few tears.Tears are anathema to me.A sign of weakness that opens me up to more pain. Larry always said I was the good one in our marriage,but it was him.I have lost half of me and it was the good half.The one who always knew what to do and what to say to me to bring me out of these depressions.I don't know how to do it.I can't remember his voice or the words he used .I can't bear the thought that I may never be touched again.I will never feel him hold me ,kiss me, .I hate being touched,but never by him.I wasn't even able to show physical love to my sons.But luckily,Larrys family was very demonstrative.They hugged all the time and I was able to vocalize how much I loved my boys.And I was a fierce protector of them.Nobody messed with them without my very angry input.They were the only ones I got angry at other people over.People think I am a very nice person.Cause I try to never judge and am non-threatening.But inside I am broken and God has chosen not to fix me all the way.I am over my the past. No connection to my decisions in my life anymore.Until Larry died and now,my defenses are back.I can't bear for anything else to come back.I want to just have the heart attack and go home.There is nothing for me here.
  13. Hello AceBasin.Larry has been gone a little over 8 months.The only things I have given away were to my son.All his clothes are still in his closet.I just don't have the energy to pack them up and donate them.Plus,he was a small man and I don't know anyone his size.I cleaned out his sock and underwear drawers and thats all I've done.I have a CD from his funeral my grandson transferred to my computer and I set a slide-show at 30 sec.per picture.I find comfort mostly,as the pictures are spanning our 41 yrs together.The later pics hurt a lot as I see him disappearing from COPD.I see his weight and color change.You don't notice it as bad when it is happening daily.I haven't been in my picture drawer since my son died 18 yrs ago,so I am so grateful for the CD.I have things he got from his mom and I will keep them til I die and any other personal things I give to my son,who will get the small things his mom gave him.We are poor so there is no jewelry,cars,homes,nothing big.But he treasured the things from his mom.And I treasure him so...You must follow your heart and you will know when it is time.God bless you
  14. Michael,I am so sorry for your loss.Know that you can talk to me and I believe all the others I have read about as well.Love is love and loss and pain is too.I don't feel sorry FOR you,I feel sorry for your pain and you seem so alone in it.I feel sorry for your family.I am also a Christian and God never said not to love everyone.Your family doesn't seem to get that.I pray,if nothing else that your family will be quickened to reach out to you in love and support you in your loss,but if not we will.I am so new here I hope I don't do more damage than good.I say we cause of all the replies to others I have found nothing mean spirited or judgemental in ANY of the replies.I feel safe posting here and I pray you will too.
  15. Lonely Spouse,As I read your posts My heart hurts with you and for you.Your marriage may have been young but the love was strong.I feel that.I pray you can get through the days,one at a time.And that you can cry and scream and rant and rave at God(He can take it)and get through this.I have lost many people I loved and while I haven't gotten over it,I am able to carry on ,knowing all things work together for the good to those who love God and are the called according to His mercy.Of course I see no good coming from this but I am not God.Trust the Lord.He loves as no Human can,totally selflessly.He is Love.The love for your husband,God gave it to you.And I don't think He took the love your husband and you had,He just ,as KMB said graduated him to Heaven.Your husband must have fulfilled the purpose he was here for.And y'alls love is safe in your heart and waiting in Heaven .I will be praying for you.I am so sorry for your loss at such a young age.I am sure the future is stretching out in front of you with no desire on your part to be in that future.But God has His plans and we have to trust.It's all He asks of us.Well to obey,of course,but we are all flawed.He knows this,He made us,flaws and all just the way He wants us.Jesus knows your pain.He felt the loss of a loved one as a human and He cried.It hurt,even him.May you find comfort.Look for it.He will give it to you as long as you need it and try to forget mean people.They are flawed also and God loves them too.But He will protect His children.and you sound like you are His child.Please be kind to yourself.There is nothing you did or didn't do to cause this.Again,I stress,be kind to yourself.Love in Christ,Ruthanne