Jump to content
Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
  • Announcements

    • ModKonnie

      Advertisements   09/05/2017

      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie

Lonely spouse

Members
  • Content count

    33
  • Joined

  • Last visited

About Lonely spouse

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    USA
  • Loss Type
    Husband
  1. Lost of my husband best friend

    Thank you . I have heard people tell me he can see and hear everything I say and do and he knows how much I am hurting without him.i truly believe that. They have said he can't be at peace if I am hurting. I don't want to keep him from his peace but I can't just get over the hurt and guilt. DON IF YOU ARE ABLE TO READ THIS AND YOU KNOW MY HEART PLEASE KNOW I AM SO SORRY FOR NOT MAKING YOU GO TO THE ER . OR CALLING FOR HELP I WILL ALWAYS BLAME MYSELF FOR YOUR PASSING DON. I HOPE YOU CAN FORGIVEME CAUSE I SURE CAN'T. I WANT YOU TO BE ABLE TO REST DON SORRY I STIL CAN'T LET YOU GO. I LOVE YOU DON WAYNE.
  2. Lost of my husband best friend

    Thank you I feel like I am LOOSING my mind. So many different emotions its weird one minute i can be laughing and then someone can say his name i am crying and ready to snap at someone cause they still have the person they love and I don't. And I know it's not their fault. But I get jealous and upset with them cause I no longer have Don. Like I blame them. I know I should blame the tumor but I blame everyone specially myself . I hate having some many different emotions at the same time. I feel like something is wrong with me..i think my friends and family think so 2 they are like it's been 6 months stop talking about him like he's hear let him rest.i want to just go hide and cry why can't people understand I can't let go Don was the love of my life not just some school girl crush . I was planning on spending the rest of my life with him growing old together. Well growing up. DON ALWAYS SAID I WON'T GROW OLD CAUSE HE WOULD ALWAYS BE YOUNG AT HEART . HE LOVED LIFE
  3. Lost of my husband best friend

    Thank u everyone it's just getting harder cause our 4 year anniversary is coming up on the 22 of Sept and it's going to be so hard. Plus the holidays Don really loved Christmas. And when I see his favorite NFL team playing it really hurts that he isn't hear to watch them. I try to do things that I know he would of done but some days I just can't I know he wants me to keep going and doing stuff cause he always said when he gets called Home to keep going cause Ihe would be doing it with me like he always did. But i feel guilty like the depression is trying to pull me back in. I am going to buy Donnie an anniversary card just like he is stole with me am I wrong or crazy 4 that? Am I ok for laughing and talking to him last night when I seen a funny picture he had taken of us together and one of his self? I guess I just feel like one day I am ok and if I laugh at a funny thought or time we had together I feel guilty. How can I have so many different feelings at the same time?
  4. Lost of my husband best friend

    Thank u but does the feeling guilty ever go away? I just always have that thought in my mind like what could I have done different. I keep asking my Does Don and God 4 give me for not doing something to save him.
  5. Lost of my husband best friend

    Yes you guys really do understand I don't know how to explain my feelings to friends and family. I feel like how can I face or talk to people knowing I didn't do anything to try to stop him from passing away. O feel guilty like I didn't do enough I know Don would of dragged me to the ER. I ask why didn't I try to drag him. Why do I get mad at Don for leaving me? Why is it some days I think ok I know he is no longer hurting with the tumor. Then I just start crying cause I miss him and start feeling guilty and mad at him at the same time. Family and friends ask me how I feel how do i tell them I am mad at the love of my life my hero but I am also happy that he isn't suffering. How can I have some many emotions all at the same time? Is it ok to be happy to know he internal life with no pain? And is ok to be mad at him for passing away? HE told me no matter what I can't ever be mad at God 4 calling his child home. So how can I be having so many emotions. Witch one is the right one to feel?
  6. Lost of my husband best friend

    Thank u everyone. I know I need to come out of my shell . I was starting to come out and when my husband died I crawled right back in it. He was my strength now I feel like I have no strenght at all I feel lost. Like I am all alone in this world. People say there all all kinds of stages to grieving and I am in the mad stage. I am mad at my husband 4 leaving me but then I feel guilty cause I know he didn't do this to be mean to me and I know he isn't hurting any more. So how can I feel guilty and mad at the same mmm e time? Does anyone else have these feelings or am I crazy? I know I am weak and lost in this big world and I feel so alone. Thank u all 4 not judging me.
  7. Lost of my husband best friend

    yes I do go to chruch but I just can't open up to the pastor about my feelings. I just can't open up to anyone I was opening up to Don and he passed away . I was always a shy person just didn't know how to fit in felt like I was a burden if I talked to people about my problems when they had their own problems. I was learning Don cared and he was able to help me workout my problems he understood that I felt like people were judging me. DON NEVER JUDGED ME. I FEEL LIKE A PASTOR JUST JUDGES ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE DOES. I GUESS IT'S JUST ME..I JUST FEEL LIKE I JUST LET DON DOWN. AND I LET MYSELF DOWN 2 BY LETTING DON DOWN.
  8. Lost of my husband best friend

    thank you everyone it makes me feel better to know you all know how I am feeling. my so called friends say I am crazy for talking to Don and for questioning GOD on why he had to take Don. I have been told by my sister that one of her clients she is a home nurse talks to her husband and writes him a letter everyday she also said when she thinks about a fun thing they did together or had planned to do together she writes it down. I have thought about that but how does writing down what you had planned to do together make you feel better? to me it would make me more depressed cause he isn't here to do the fun thing with like just the little things going to the zoo or taking our fur babies to the doggie park I still take them cause it isn't fair not to take them but it isn't fun without Don. Am I wrong to be upset about him passing away? I just don't know why God put Don in my life then takes him away? I am glad its like God gave me my guardian angel. then he takes him away. its not fair. I don't know if Don will ever forgive me but I pray God and Don will forgive me for not getting him to the ER. I KNOW DON MADE ME PROMISE IF HE EVER GOT BAD TO PROMISE I WOULDNT LET THEM RESUSCIATE HIM. He always said I had to be prepared cause one day God was going to call him home. I just feel like it was my fault like he got punished for something I did but I just don't know what I could of done so bad that Don had to pay with his life. I just pray that I will be forgiven. I wish I could of asked for Don's forgiveness sooner but the guilt and being mad at everyone for his passing just messed me up. I am sorry I was mad at you Don for passing away I understand it wasn't your choice. I love you Don. I promise you I will try to be strong like you asked me to be and I will try to beat the depression.
  9. Lost of my husband best friend

    yes here we are and I will never understand why God takes away everyone I care about.my dad my aunt and my husband (my best friend) why did he have to take them? My husband would of been able to handle this he was the strong one who held me up and I have to hold myself up so I can do what needs to be done 4 him.
  10. Lost of my husband best friend

    NDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE SAYING ABOUT HOW I NEED TO STOP BEATING MYSELF UP CAUSE I KNOW DON WOULDNT WANT ME TO BUT I JUST KEEP THINKING ABOUT HOW WHEN I WAS SICK OR HURTING HE WAS ALWAYS THERE HE WOULD TAKE OFF WORK JUST TO BE WITH ME OR CALL TO MAKE SURE I WAS OK HE DIDNT LEAVE MY SIDE WHEN I HAD TO HAVE SURGERY LAST YEAR EXCEPT TO GO GET MY MOM TO BRING HER UP TO THE HOSPITAL HE MADE SURE I WAS TAKING CARE OF NO MATTER IF HE WAS LATE TO WORK OR HAD TO TAKE A DAY OFF EVEN KNOW WE COULDNT AFFORD IT. DON ALWAYS PUT ME FIRST NO MATTER HOW BAD HE WAS HURTING HE WAS ALWAYS TAKING CARE OF ME HE WOULD NEVER LET ME KNOW HOW BAD HE REALLY WAS HURTING UNTIL THAT ONE DAY I SEEN HIM CRYING BUT HE STILL INSISTED HE WAS OK AND WANTED ME TO TAKE MY MEDICINE AND JUST RELAX NOT WORRY ABOUT HIM. YES DON WOULD WALK ON HOT COALS TO TAKE CARE OF ME AND I FEEL LIKE WHEN HE NEEDED ME TO BE THERE TO HELP HIM I DIDNT DO WHAT I SHOULD OF I SHOULD OF INSISTED HE GO TO THE ER BUT HE WOULD OF FAUGHT ME BUT I STILL SHOULD OF STOOD UP ND SAID I DONT CARE I KNOW YOU DONT WANT TO GO BUT YOU ARE GOING ANYWAY. BUT I WAS WEAK AND I DIDNT FIGHT HIM TO GO I BELIEVED HE WOULD BE OKCAUSE THAT IS WHAT HE SAID AND HE NEVER LIED TO ME SO WHY WOULD HE LIED THAT NIGHT? YEP I BLAME MYSELF FOR OT DOING MORE FOR DON SPECIALLY WHEN I WAS SUSPOSE TO BE HIS BEST FRIEND SOME FRIEND I TURNED OUT TO BE TO DON. DON PLEASE ACEPT MY APOLOGY I AM SO SORRY I DIDNT DO MORE 4 YOU THAT NIGHT I KNOW I SHOULD OF FORCED YOU TO GO TO THE ER BUT YOU ALWAYS SAID PLEASE DONT ARGUE WITH YOU ABOUT GOING TO THE ER. AND I DIDNT I FEEL LIKE I LET YOU DOWNAND I AM SO SORRRY DON.
  11. Lost of my husband best friend

    Yes why cant people understand we are not the same person we use to be we lost our loved one our spouse our best friend in my cause all the above plus my hero. I feel like I passed away with him and I cant be the same happy person I was with him cause the person who made me so happy is gone home with God. People tell me well you were happy b 4 you meant Don and you can be happy now that he is gone. Well wrong I am happy he is no longer hurting and he is with God but I am not happy like I was when it was the 2 of us with our 2 fur babies yea I take them to the doggie park like we use to but I don't enjoy it and they seem to notice hey this isn't as fun. I wish people would understand I was happy b 4 I meant Don but that was a different type. How can anyone except you to be happy after you have lost the love of your life. I just wish people would understand you can find happiness after you lose your true love.
  12. Lost of my husband best friend

    yes I WILL ALWAYS FEEL LIKE I LET DON DOWN. BUT HOW DO I CHANGE THAT FEELING I FEEL LIKE IT IS MY FAULT CAUSE I WAS THE ONEWHO WAS THERE WITH HIM AND I WAS THE ONE WHO WAS SUSPOSE TO BE THERE TO HELP HIM. AND I FAILED AS A WIFE. I JUST KEEP ASKING MYSELF WHY WHY DIDNT I TRY TO FOECE HIM TO GO TO THE ER BUT HE SAID HE WANTED TO DIE AT HOME AND WHILE HE WAS ASLEEP AND HE DID JUST THAT. I WILL ALWAYS FEEL GULITY AND PEOPLE TELLING ME OH YOU SHOULD OF DID MORE DOESNT HELP ME FEEL BETTER. I JUST PRAY THAT WHEN THOSE PEOPLE ARE PUT IN THIS POSITION THEY HAVE PEOPLE NOT TREATING THEM THE WAY THEY ARE TREATING ME.
  13. Lost of my husband best friend

    Yes I guess you are right well I know you are right but it is just so hard for me to 4 give myself cause I know if it was the other way around he would of gotten me to and ER but I couldn't get him to one he refused to allow me to call 911 we thought ok its just a bad headache. I just wish I would of know just how bad it was and I guess I wll always have to guilt of I should of done something. specially when people keep telling me oh you didn't even try if that would of been me I would of called or forced him to go get checked. Yea I guess I should of but how do you force a person to do something they don't want to do? I am so tired of hearing from people who haven't experienced this type of lost saying how they would of done things differently. well when this happens to them I guess I will see just how they handle it sense they seem to think they can do something differently and save their loved one, I thought the only person who could save a person was God. I could be wrong. and I also have eople trying to tell me what he passed away of when all the death certificate says is pending people are just guessing and I feel like slapping them. its been almost 5 months Aug 5th 2017 will be 5 months and still the death certificate hasn't been stamped buy the medical examiner. has it took anyone this long to get your spouses death certificate back? don't these people even care or understand I need to know I was right it was brain tumor that caused his death or do they even care? it didn't take this long to get my dad's death certificate. Plus they have the wrong time of death on the one that says pending does anyone know if I can correct it? and I know God called my husband home so he wouldn't suffer but doesn't God know the me and the people who cared about my husband are down here suffering? Just like all of you are suffering over the lost of your loved ones. WHY DOES GOD TAKE AWAY THE PEOPLE WE LOVE? SORRY I AM JUST REALLY CONFUSED AND SAD TODAY I SEEN SOMEONE RIDING A BIKE MOTORCYCLE TODAY LOOKED JUST LIKE DONS IT REALLY HURT ME.
  14. Lost of my husband best friend

  15. Lost of my husband best friend

    Thank u guys finally someone who understands. I never thought I would be left with my husband I always thought I would go home first. Cause I am the weak person and Don is the strong one who always made everything ok with the help of God. But it's family that is saying I need to move on get in group activities well I wasn't in them b 4 so why now they think they are helping me by saying get over Don NO WAY it's only been 4 months and I don't care if it 400 years I won't get over my true love. I guess they think I am going to go back into my shell well I already have . I don't want to meet anyone I hate going to a store cause it hurts 2 c someone holding hands or laughing. It makes me sad. Even know I know I should be happy 4 them. Am I wrong 4 feeling like I want to slap theym 4 being happy? I just want my Donny back. That way I have me back. Does that make any sense?
×