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Everything posted by bradley1985

  1. I am new to this forum but I lost my wife nearly 4 1/2 months ago to a sudden stroke. We had been together over six years and lived overseas where we worked together. I'll skip the part about the foreign doctor saying 100% for sure it wasnt a stroke as that is just part of this cruel joke IMO. I have been to so many grief meetings already (it feels like anyway) and I've spent many hours in counseling with a private counselor. Everyone says it gets better but for me it just keeps getting worse. My anxiety and panic attacks have faded but that only leaves me in a state of perpetual sadness and depression with a little anger thrown in (not much bartering going on these days). I have never been a super happy person but I have always loved to get up and get the day going and loved to cook, go for motorcycle rides, visit new places, work on the house, work on the business, garden some etc. Now absolutely nothing is appealing. Talking to friends doesn't help. Talking to family doesnt help. Just nothing helps. I spend my days working some on our business, walking, and some grief reading. But she is on my mind literally every minute of every day. Every day I think of more of her little behaviors or quirks that I miss so much. I even miss her messes. For a while I liked to work on our business because that is something we did together. Now I am starting to not even care about that. After 3 years of work we finally met our goals one week before she died. We were leaving for the beach the next morning after a hard year of work. Another cruel joke. Only when I play a video game do I get a few hours relief but then I cant play the game the next day. I can't enjoy television, movies, or books so I dont watch or read anything other than grief material. Money is useless as there's nothing I want (except her of course). All life's problems that we had are pointless now. I dont care about any of them. If something breaks or goes wrong I could care less. Now I simply just dont care. I do normal stuff just to do it....to see my body move and pack up a box and send something back I bought on amazon for example. I dont argue or get angry with anyone about anything like I did in the first 2 months of this loss. Everybody else is right as far as I am concerned (not really but I dont care). When I take walks all I can think is why do I get to look at the trees and flowers and she doesn't. Not fair. I tell god to keep his freaking sunsets, his flowers, his trees, his beatiful days. They mean nothing to me now. The world seems meaningless now. Food is bland. I no longer like to talk and play with animals, they just look like pests now. And I was a great dog and cat lover. Coffee still tastes good amazingly enough. Nobody and nothing can replace her. I feel like an empty vessel wanting to die. Even if I die and she isnt there god has got to be better company than this world. I know this sounds very dismal but this is how I feel 80% of the time. The other 20% of the time is a mixture of anger and the occasional hope that I have a future (which is quickly squashed by my own mind I suppose). So, is this my new normal I am moving too? Well, no thanks. Anyway, thanks for listening.
  2. Lost my 33 year old wife - six months out

    Yes, I agree. I want to be at ground zero. Just shut it down. I think this way a lot. And I dont feel guilty for thinking it either. I had something I can never get again. I worked my whole life to find someone to really love. I cant believe my life is over, or at least feels over, everyone says its not, but when does it start to feel that its not. All thats happening is I am getting used to being my own miserable company.
  3. Lost my 33 year old wife - six months out

    Me too. She is ALWAYS on my mind. I am trying to live but the whole wolrd seems so strange now. The days just tick off one by one. Every time I do something new without her I can give myself a quick pat on that back for pushing out into the world by myself, only to finish and not be able to tell her what I did or am going to do. Every thing I do seems to take my mind off of her for a few minutes, but I always come back to this place of very deep sorrow. There is nothing to get excited about anymore. Nothing to look forward too really. I can socialize now. I have made a new friend or two. My work is going well. It seems circumstances are all improving but I am not. I can see hope in some areas of my life but I continually see myself alone or with people unlike Nicole when I look to the future. A detached, very lonely person, never having a magical person in my life again. I feel like when she was with me I was living in fairy tale and now the book has ended (tragically). When I look at the sunshine beaming into my house through the windows it looks strange now. Everyone I meet that is single enjoys life, they just seem to be living. I think how can they be so happy without a special person in their life? And why do I feel so dead compared to them? I talked to one lady who lost her husband and after a year looks back at the memories with joy. I still cry when I look at pictures or think about all the things we did together. I dont think this pain is ever going away or even going to lessen.
  4. Lost my 33 year old wife - six months out

    I have not posted in some time as I have been trying to move forward my business and studies, but nothing stops the hurt. I dont really expect anyone to read this post but today is 9 months since my wife Nicole died and I need to say her name over and over. It is a very emotional day but which ones arent. I want to let her and the world know I think about her all the time. My soul has been torn in two and I dont think I was left with the better half. I miss her watching me dance, laugh, play with things in the yard, and joke. I miss watching tv with her. I miss singing with her. I miss her telling me how much she loves me. I miss her telling me I am the best thing that ever happend to her. I miss her showing me her finger nails and toes after painting. I miss her telling me so many stories for hours upon hours sometimes. I miss her advice. I miss her telling me everything will be ok. Well, its not. At 9 months I can do more things. I can focus better and I can even socialize a bit. But in the back and many times in the front of my mind I wonder what she is doing. I wonder where she is. I wonder if she likes heaven or the afterlife. I wonder if she gets to sleep and dream. I worry about her. I worry she isnt happy. Making her happy and seeing her smile and appreciate all the things I tried to do for her (wish I had done more) was the thing that kept me alive. I want to tell her I am trying to live without her but its just about next to impossible. But somehow I go to sleep every night and wake every morning and do my chores and go to school (language school) and keep pushing forward to an unknown ends. there's nothing but a non-visible future in front of me now, a black tunnel of sorts. A future without my family. It's scary. I am scared. I wish she would just come home. I wish she would just communicate with me and let me know she is ok at the least. Just call home every now and then and just let me know. but she cant or I know she would. I love you Nicole Miller. Star crossed in this life but star aligned in the next.
  5. I can't...

    I understand this. I make myself a little busy to ease the pain for a few hours but it really doesnt ease. Its always there, always waiting when I am finished with the task. I don't wake up as much as you but 2-3 times is hard enough and those are some of the worst moments of the 24 hour day. Last night I had a nightmare that I was being chased by the police and wanted for murder. Then I wake up to my real nightmare that she isnt beside me to talk too. Gut wrenching. It feels like I am going to feel guilty for the rest of my life. Not so much for her lack of taking care of herself (her fault), but because I didnt recognize the dangers of her behavior and didnt see the emergency for what it was. There are no do-overs. I feel sick most of the time, but its not the same kind of sick I felt in the first six months. Its a different "more emotional" sickness that affects the mind and stomach more and alters the way the world appears. Every morning I wake up just as drained as when I went to sleep but I cant sleep any longer. I just get up, make coffee, go for a walk, and start trying to work. I am trying to take better care of myself these days but I dont know what for. The question "why keep going on?" continually pops up. Whats the point? I dont feel that close to most of my family, even less close after Nicole died. I only have one person in the whole world that actually somewhat depends on me. I have no animals. When I make plans with people it keeps me busy for awhile and sometimes I even feel hopeful that I can have a life again. But it always comes back to this sick feeling, like its all over. Looking at the sky and trees and birds and dreaming of how things could have been but will never be. Looking to the future and imagining myself growing older as a single man without Nicole makes me sick and depressed beyond comprehension. Enough to drive one to death. But it makes me just as sick to my stomach when I think about killing myself. I dont know who I am anymore. Its just lose/lose.
  6. I can't...

    i have no idea why it posted multple times. I just posted once. I am sorry about this.
  7. I can't...

    This is how it is. This is the routine. Waking up in the middle of night screaming or crying, running outside to see if the world still exists. Spending days with frayed nerves and endless anxiety. All these slowly improve but the overwelming sadness of what was and what could have been remain. Sometimes the unknown world, this new world, completely overwelms me and I simply have to run home and cry and feel the pain of a world that at times seems completely alien, other times it seems ok. Its just more tricks from the grief monster I suppose as this world DID exist before I was married. But the endless anxiety seems everpresent.
  8. I can't...

    This is how it is. This is the routine. Waking up in the middle of night screaming or crying, running outside to see if the world still exists. Spending days with frayed nerves and endless anxiety. All these slowly improve but the overwelming sadness of what was and what could have been remain. Sometimes the unknown world, this new world, completely overwelms me and I simply have to run home and cry and feel the pain of a world that at times seems completely alien, other times it seems ok. Its just more tricks from the grief monster I suppose as this world DID exist before I was married. But the endless anxiety seems everpresent.
  9. I can't...

    This is how it is. This is the routine. Waking up in the middle of night screaming or crying, running outside to see if the world still exists. Spending days with frayed nerves and endless anxiety. All these slowly improve but the overwelming sadness of what was and what could have been remain. Sometimes the unknown world, this new world, completely overwelms me and I simply have to run home and cry and feel the pain of a world that at times seems completely alien, other times it seems ok. Its just more tricks from the grief monster I suppose as this world DID exist before I was married. But the endless anxiety seems everpresent.
  10. Lost my 33 year old wife - six months out

    I missed some good stuff on here yesterday because I was feeling too hopeless to do anything, even post here (I drew the severly hopeless card yesterday I suppose). This morning I feel better emotionally but my body feels like its been hit by a train but I couldnt sleep any longer. I get these kinds of comments a lot. I have tried to imagine myself with someone else and it doesnt work for me. I cant even imagine holding someone else's or hugging them much less any of the other stuff. I feel I have been welcomed to the "tour de misery on earth". If she had divorced me or left me that would be one thing. But I knew she was never going to leave me. She loved me and talked about growing old with me quite a lot. On her own, she completely quit drinking many years ago to enhance our life together. My whole life I have been unhappy with my girlfriends and previous wife. In all my previous relationships I would always be "looking" and/or "thinking" about other women. After an entire life of unhappiness in the love department I finally found the "One" that I could literally be with nearly 24 hours a day and after meeting her I never looked or thought about another woman again. This was it. This was my final stand and I commited to her for eternity. I knew when I said my vows it was forever as I was older at this time and was sure of what I was doing. Sure, I had moments when I was upset or we were disagreeing over something I would think strange thoughts. But I was always committed, 100% of the time. Now my desire to live has been severely compromised. I want my wife but cant have her. I dont have a lot of options except to keep trucking alone which is also miserable. Sadly I think I am getting used to being alone and depressed. After eight months (next week) It seems it is becoming a way of life. This is who I am now. I am not sure its even about desire for another relationship. Even if I desired another relationship I dont think I am mentally or physically capable because it seems it would be like asking a horse with four broken legs to run a horse race. Me, being the horse. And how could I subject another person to me (at this time)? I will never say never but I dont see how.
  11. 5 Surprising Truths About Grief

    Right on Francine. Right on. Hopes more desperately really grabs me.
  12. Vent

    Bela, I am sorry for your loss and having to be here. 3 1/2 months is nothing. 6 months is nothing. This is a life altering change and its best, for me anyway, to ignore peoples hopes and expectation of me going forward. Life will never be the same but some days it does get easier to get through the day. I felt consumed more and more all the way up until about seven months. A few weeks ago I thought eventually I would just die from this grief. Sometimes the hole left in me feels to large to fill and that I will just eventually bleed out. But today I feel slightly better and probably wont die this month. But every day and every week is different. I dont know what the future will bring and this is terrifying as well. I just get up and do what has to be done and try to enjoy a coffee or bagel or a conversation to the best of my ability. I know I sound positive but just give me a few days and I am sure the negative Brad will be back. Its a rollercoaster.
  13. Lost my 33 year old wife - six months out

    Ashley, I am sorry you had to join us here and I think I understand where you are coming from. I felt the same way you do for several months regarding my physical appearance as I have not wanted to finish life without my wife. However, as time goes on I am finally able to be slightly grateful for my health and I now know why all the grief books say take care of yourself. At least I feel this way today, who knows about tomorrow. I too felt worse and worse each day as the first six months rolled by. To be honest I felt much worse after six months than I did after two months. I think the shock and surprise lengthens our pain. Losing my spouse has basically been a tour of hell for me that everyone expects to be an ever upward sloping line of recovery. Well, its not. Not by any measure. Month six was probably the worst and yet thats when people "thought" i should be better. This past month has been better, but certainly no joy or peace. And how could you feel lucky? Lucky!! Unbelievable, right? From my view there doesnt appear to be any "luck" in your situation. Your life as you thought it would be has been obliterated. What would have been lucky for me in your situation would be to go together. If I had died with my wife I think I would have been "lucky". However, people dont want to hear this. They cant imagine not wanting to live and even say things like as soon as your grief is over you can do this or do that. I am glad they are so confident that my grief will be over because for me it seems to never end. Albeit, things are "better" today, but only after 8 months of hell, roughly 40 grief meetings, countless hours of therapy, and about 100 other self help/counseling sessions did I finally see any improvement at all. Anxiety, anger, fear, hopelessness, despair, and guilt continue to pop up in an endless and ever changing cycle. But they seem to be lessening this month. But who knows about tomorrow or next week or next month. I think the therapy and grief groups are 100% required for any kind of meaningful survival. Every day we jsut have to suit up, show up, and do our best to punch through this. Keep going and keep hoping that things will turn around. There really isnt another meaningful choice.
  14. Want to share my experience.

    Oh yeah. Same, same, same. I dont have any "average" cards in my bag but I did FINALLY get a card that reads "just shy of terrible". I had the "anger" card coming up constantly, nearly 90% of the time until last week I suppose. Now the cards that I wake up with most of the time are fear and despair. Saturday was the "hopeless" card. I think the hopeless card is the worst as those days are the days (or periods) I definitely want to end it all. For me it seems like expecting the cards of "Joy" or "Comfort" would be asking too much. Doesnt seem this will happen this year. Thursday and Friday night I had two consecutive nightmares that were unbelievably awful. Both nights I had to run out of my house and into the front yard and calm down to know the world is still here. I hate this ride right now. Or this chapter of my book. Whatever you want to call it, I dont like it. Andy, perhaps over the course of time empathy will return. I am so inwardly focused that it is hard for me to feel much for other's plights unless they are in a similar situation. Everytime I read a new post on this website about a loss I can feel empathy and understanding and pain. Other than that I dont feel much regarding anyone else's problems or issues. The other day someone was telling me about children who couldn't eat and had no home and I could tell they were clearly feeling upset about it but, yet again, because I am clouded and wrapped in my own pain I could not feel anything.
  15. Want to share my experience.

    Wow. That really sums it up. I am more interested in death and catastrophes more than ever before. As I wrote before I think about all kinds of catastrophes throughout time. I have been interested in biblical stories where spouses die as well. When I read the news about people's deaths I scan the article to see if they were married. If not married, who cared for them. I suppose I was trying to make sense of things to see a reason for living, or to say to myself if "they" can live through this so can I. As I really wanted to kill myself up until about three weeks ago. Maybe one day I can feel sorry for anyone that goes through life without knowing real love. Maybe I already do. I am not sure. Living in Thailand I meet or hear about a lot of men who literally pay to have a wife that will leave them if the money runs out. This makes me sick to my stomach but I have not been able to feel sorry for these men or at least I dont think I have been able to. For lack of a better word I am going to say I am "immature" in my emotions when thinking about these men who dont know and probably never will know what love feels like. Their behavior just makes me angry and I wish they wouldnt come here. I say in my head that they get what they pay for. Perhaps one day I can feel compassion for them but I am just not in that place today.
  16. Want to share my experience.

    Interesting comments. I certainly tried thinking along these lines. I have thought about in the Old Testament as well where entire cities were destroyed by god, or entire villages that contained the wives of the king and all his soldiers were slaughtered while the king was out in battle. Or that in 7000 years of civilization what does 20 more years one way another matter? But unfortunately intellectualizing my wifes death in terms of the world just has not been helpful for me. Trying to compare my situation and how I feel with the millions of other losses doesnt seem to get me anywhere either. I have come to to the conclusion that no matter what I compare my loss to or how I try to fit it in to the present and past happenings of the world it just isnt going to help. Its mine and mine alone to deal with and no other catastrophe, big or small, past, present, or future, is going to change my reality. No comment or intellectualizing by another person seems to help unless the person has been though this process. I would trade the whole world and all the billions that live now and lived before to be with my wife and I can understand how anyone on this forum would think the same. She meant that much to me. The pain and intense, constant thinking of her is starting to slightly lessen. The physical pain has almost subsided. I suppose you could even say things are improving. But every morning and every night and throughout the day I still break down. But even the break downs are not as intense. The highs seem to get higher but the lows still get just as low. This evening I miss her so much more than I did this afternoon. It seems to be a never ending cycle of emotions that are slowly changing shape and form. But who knows about tomorrow or next week or the week after. I am all over the place emotionally. The only emotion that doesnt change is that she is not here to talk to. I guess thats not really even an emotion. But I am sure there are many emotions tied to that. She just isnt here and I need her. .
  17. Loss of my love

    I did the same thing. Heartbreaking. I am very sorry this happened to you. I just wanted her to open her eyes. I kept thinking her brain had activity and would tell the doctors to come check, but it did not.
  18. Loss of my love

    Yes. Getting through the days is getting easier for me, but towards what I dont know. I think my feelings are blocked by a lot of anger also. But I can get up and do more things and meet more people than I have been able to in the past. I block my feelings more now. And I distract myself more as well. I have a lot of school and meetings. Not much work, but hopefully will have some of that too. I am almost a robot.
  19. Lost my 33 year old wife - six months out

    Yeah, I was angry at the doctor for a while over the misdiagnosis as her life may have been able to be saved had the doctor not lied, but thats really not where my anger is directed. I got over the misdiagnosis in a few months pretty much for the exact reasons you say. In addition God put a veil over there eyes as well as mine. Kept us all from seeing what was going on with her. Thats kind of how I see it anyway. He orchestrated this. Perhaps I would see it differently if I hadnt just been talking to my wife all year about how god had suddenly stopped working in our lives. We talked about this all the time and hoped that god would help us change our life direction. I should have seen this coming as bad as everything else was going for no appearant reason. I just had no idea he would go that far and take her too. My anger is pretty much all I have now. But I do think about all the good times. I just woke up from a nap and thinking about things we did is how I got to sleep. I think about her all the time, mostly without tears now. They say at a year you stop crying so much and remember the good times more. I do see how this is possible. But this is from people who want to keep experiencing life on there own. I wish I was one of those but I am not.
  20. Want to share my experience.

    There really isnt any joy or happiness in anything. There is just "doing". I know people dont understand this. I have had advice over and over to do things I like to do, "like" being the key operative word here. My sister thinks I should "enjoy" going to a movie. Sorry, nope. Most things I "liked" are no longer likeable. Sure I would rather eat something I "like" rather than eat something I "dislike" or I would rather be talking in a meeting as opposed to waiting in a line to pay a bill. But these are "preferences" more than "likes" or "enjoyment". I used to like going to the beach. Now that sounds god awful. For what? To remember what could have been? I can extrapolate this to almost any activity. There is no doubt I am getting used to living a life without my wife. I am getting used to having very little to look forward too and the things I do look forward too I would never even dream of doing if my wife was alive because I didnt enjoy doing them. So in a nutshell, in my new life the only things I have to look forward too are things I hated to do and wouldnt even dream of doing when my wife was alive. The things I enjoyed when my wife was alive are now either nearly torture or seem completely pointless. What a deal. My therapist told me to concentrate and try to build the business my wife and I started together and that making money, designing clothes, providing a service and honoring her all at the same time would help. However, I cant even do that appearantly not that it would be as "enjoyable" as she seemed to believe it would be. But it would have given me an avenue to express my designs and ideas to the world. In more of gods infinite wisdom he has decided for me that nobody should produce our stuff. The folks we worked with for years wont make our things. All of the sudden. I wish I could say the blockages or door closing is an opening for another opportunity but after 4 years I have learned this is not how god works for me. He just screws you over and over and over. The death of my wife was all the evidence I needed. All this additional is just continual proof of what I already know.
  21. Lost my 33 year old wife - six months out

    I have this issue. My friends say I am likeable and will make new friends. My Mom's only advice to me was to make a good friend. This doesnt bring my wife back. Friends are in no way, shape, or form a replacement for what I have lost. Not even in the same universe, much less ballpark. I had a life worth living and I could make 10,000 friends and I will still be willing to starve myself to bring back my wife. My parents have thought this has been my solution to a "happy" life since I was 5 years old and it so irritating to hear. Friends dont want to hear how I feel. Its all fake I now know. Like Lulu said its easier to say fine or not talk about it. I know it sounds sick but there is a part of me that wants everyone to lose their spouse or child so finally we can ALL be in this together and the whole world can have this experience. My marriage was not perfect but we were always together and loved one another and rarely had anything to argue about and we had a lot of laughs when I wasnt stressed about business. Even when I was stressed we still didnt argue or fight, it wasnt her fault and I didnt take it out on her. I was just less "available" during those times. And when I wasnt stressed we laughed and joked. She was super sweet and wonderful. I have never had anything close to that my whole life thru countless girlfriends and another marriage. So the "you will find someone" comment also drives me up the wall. Sure, I may find someone one day. But I can tell you without a doubt it WON'T be her. And I listen to guys talk that are married and the numbers are staggering of how much I dont envy their marriage. A relationship riffled with arguements and lack of love? Etc. Etc. Fighting over laundry? Jeesh. Why would I want what they have? Sounds terrible. Really? There isnt much hope from my vantage point. I have been marked.
  22. Lost my soulmate

    Ironic that you wrote this as yesterday I thought about being willing to starve myself until she returned and then die of starvation if god didnt keep his word. But yours is not my sentiment at all. I would gladly have her back here with me and would not feel selfish one bit. She didnt want to leave in the first place and since I dont get to see said "perfect eternity" I cannot confirm this exists. Besides whats 20 more years on earth with me when compared to eternity. No struggle for me at all. Bring her back and I will do anything.
  23. I Used To Love Dogs

    I wouldnt feel bad. For what? I saw your comment and saw someone that I could relate with and it helped. Made me feel like I was not the only one. Your comment helped me. Thanks. Mania seems to be part of the deal. I have better periods such as this morning and yesterday afternoon but I can still go just as low as I always have. Thats the where I am at. Yesterday morning I could have pulled the trigger but by the afternoon I thought maybe everything just might work out ok and I could have some kind of life (rare but thats where I am for the moment). I dont have any sagely advice except to honestly share. Thats all I got.
  24. I Used To Love Dogs

    That is the rub. I too still believe in god but feel the way you do. I saw it with my own eyes. He executed my family (albeit two out of three were pets) one after another during 2016 and kicked the year off on January 1 with my cat dying. Not only that but anything I start to care about or take in interest in he seems to mess with it. If there is a "good" god I dont see it. He certainly showed me how powerful he is. I clearly got the picture. He can kill everything you care about and ruin your business over something that is incomprehensable to someone he is not "after". Its like you order the last item in inventory of something you really want on Amazon and the Fedex truck back door swings open and one package falls out and is forever lost. Or you have a sore on your hand and pray for the sore to be removed and he answers the prayer with removing your entire hand. Thats the kind of god I see now. He is a joke.
  25. Lost my 33 year old wife - six months out

    I have to write about this to try to relieve some anger. Every time someone asks me how I am doing and I see this week was a bit better or I am able to get more sleep they inevitably say "glad you are feeling better". this is quite a pet peeve of mine and why I have almost quit talking to family and friends. There is a big difference between doing better and feeling better. I dont feel better. I am doing better. If I felt better I would see hope and feel like living. By "doing better" I can get up and do activities with the hope that one day I may have some hope. Everyone that has not lost a spouse (or child) associates feeling and happiness with "doing better". This is simply not the case.