bradley1985

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About bradley1985

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Male
  • Location
    USA
  • Loss Type
    Wife
  • Angel Date
    December 5, 2016
  1. I understand this. I make myself a little busy to ease the pain for a few hours but it really doesnt ease. Its always there, always waiting when I am finished with the task. I don't wake up as much as you but 2-3 times is hard enough and those are some of the worst moments of the 24 hour day. Last night I had a nightmare that I was being chased by the police and wanted for murder. Then I wake up to my real nightmare that she isnt beside me to talk too. Gut wrenching. It feels like I am going to feel guilty for the rest of my life. Not so much for her lack of taking care of herself (her fault), but because I didnt recognize the dangers of her behavior and didnt see the emergency for what it was. There are no do-overs. I feel sick most of the time, but its not the same kind of sick I felt in the first six months. Its a different "more emotional" sickness that affects the mind and stomach more and alters the way the world appears. Every morning I wake up just as drained as when I went to sleep but I cant sleep any longer. I just get up, make coffee, go for a walk, and start trying to work. I am trying to take better care of myself these days but I dont know what for. The question "why keep going on?" continually pops up. Whats the point? I dont feel that close to most of my family, even less close after Nicole died. I only have one person in the whole world that actually somewhat depends on me. I have no animals. When I make plans with people it keeps me busy for awhile and sometimes I even feel hopeful that I can have a life again. But it always comes back to this sick feeling, like its all over. Looking at the sky and trees and birds and dreaming of how things could have been but will never be. Looking to the future and imagining myself growing older as a single man without Nicole makes me sick and depressed beyond comprehension. Enough to drive one to death. But it makes me just as sick to my stomach when I think about killing myself. I dont know who I am anymore. Its just lose/lose.
  2. i have no idea why it posted multple times. I just posted once. I am sorry about this.
  3. This is how it is. This is the routine. Waking up in the middle of night screaming or crying, running outside to see if the world still exists. Spending days with frayed nerves and endless anxiety. All these slowly improve but the overwelming sadness of what was and what could have been remain. Sometimes the unknown world, this new world, completely overwelms me and I simply have to run home and cry and feel the pain of a world that at times seems completely alien, other times it seems ok. Its just more tricks from the grief monster I suppose as this world DID exist before I was married. But the endless anxiety seems everpresent.
  4. This is how it is. This is the routine. Waking up in the middle of night screaming or crying, running outside to see if the world still exists. Spending days with frayed nerves and endless anxiety. All these slowly improve but the overwelming sadness of what was and what could have been remain. Sometimes the unknown world, this new world, completely overwelms me and I simply have to run home and cry and feel the pain of a world that at times seems completely alien, other times it seems ok. Its just more tricks from the grief monster I suppose as this world DID exist before I was married. But the endless anxiety seems everpresent.
  5. This is how it is. This is the routine. Waking up in the middle of night screaming or crying, running outside to see if the world still exists. Spending days with frayed nerves and endless anxiety. All these slowly improve but the overwelming sadness of what was and what could have been remain. Sometimes the unknown world, this new world, completely overwelms me and I simply have to run home and cry and feel the pain of a world that at times seems completely alien, other times it seems ok. Its just more tricks from the grief monster I suppose as this world DID exist before I was married. But the endless anxiety seems everpresent.
  6. I missed some good stuff on here yesterday because I was feeling too hopeless to do anything, even post here (I drew the severly hopeless card yesterday I suppose). This morning I feel better emotionally but my body feels like its been hit by a train but I couldnt sleep any longer. I get these kinds of comments a lot. I have tried to imagine myself with someone else and it doesnt work for me. I cant even imagine holding someone else's or hugging them much less any of the other stuff. I feel I have been welcomed to the "tour de misery on earth". If she had divorced me or left me that would be one thing. But I knew she was never going to leave me. She loved me and talked about growing old with me quite a lot. On her own, she completely quit drinking many years ago to enhance our life together. My whole life I have been unhappy with my girlfriends and previous wife. In all my previous relationships I would always be "looking" and/or "thinking" about other women. After an entire life of unhappiness in the love department I finally found the "One" that I could literally be with nearly 24 hours a day and after meeting her I never looked or thought about another woman again. This was it. This was my final stand and I commited to her for eternity. I knew when I said my vows it was forever as I was older at this time and was sure of what I was doing. Sure, I had moments when I was upset or we were disagreeing over something I would think strange thoughts. But I was always committed, 100% of the time. Now my desire to live has been severely compromised. I want my wife but cant have her. I dont have a lot of options except to keep trucking alone which is also miserable. Sadly I think I am getting used to being alone and depressed. After eight months (next week) It seems it is becoming a way of life. This is who I am now. I am not sure its even about desire for another relationship. Even if I desired another relationship I dont think I am mentally or physically capable because it seems it would be like asking a horse with four broken legs to run a horse race. Me, being the horse. And how could I subject another person to me (at this time)? I will never say never but I dont see how.
  7. Right on Francine. Right on. Hopes more desperately really grabs me.
  8. Bela, I am sorry for your loss and having to be here. 3 1/2 months is nothing. 6 months is nothing. This is a life altering change and its best, for me anyway, to ignore peoples hopes and expectation of me going forward. Life will never be the same but some days it does get easier to get through the day. I felt consumed more and more all the way up until about seven months. A few weeks ago I thought eventually I would just die from this grief. Sometimes the hole left in me feels to large to fill and that I will just eventually bleed out. But today I feel slightly better and probably wont die this month. But every day and every week is different. I dont know what the future will bring and this is terrifying as well. I just get up and do what has to be done and try to enjoy a coffee or bagel or a conversation to the best of my ability. I know I sound positive but just give me a few days and I am sure the negative Brad will be back. Its a rollercoaster.
  9. Ashley, I am sorry you had to join us here and I think I understand where you are coming from. I felt the same way you do for several months regarding my physical appearance as I have not wanted to finish life without my wife. However, as time goes on I am finally able to be slightly grateful for my health and I now know why all the grief books say take care of yourself. At least I feel this way today, who knows about tomorrow. I too felt worse and worse each day as the first six months rolled by. To be honest I felt much worse after six months than I did after two months. I think the shock and surprise lengthens our pain. Losing my spouse has basically been a tour of hell for me that everyone expects to be an ever upward sloping line of recovery. Well, its not. Not by any measure. Month six was probably the worst and yet thats when people "thought" i should be better. This past month has been better, but certainly no joy or peace. And how could you feel lucky? Lucky!! Unbelievable, right? From my view there doesnt appear to be any "luck" in your situation. Your life as you thought it would be has been obliterated. What would have been lucky for me in your situation would be to go together. If I had died with my wife I think I would have been "lucky". However, people dont want to hear this. They cant imagine not wanting to live and even say things like as soon as your grief is over you can do this or do that. I am glad they are so confident that my grief will be over because for me it seems to never end. Albeit, things are "better" today, but only after 8 months of hell, roughly 40 grief meetings, countless hours of therapy, and about 100 other self help/counseling sessions did I finally see any improvement at all. Anxiety, anger, fear, hopelessness, despair, and guilt continue to pop up in an endless and ever changing cycle. But they seem to be lessening this month. But who knows about tomorrow or next week or next month. I think the therapy and grief groups are 100% required for any kind of meaningful survival. Every day we jsut have to suit up, show up, and do our best to punch through this. Keep going and keep hoping that things will turn around. There really isnt another meaningful choice.
  10. Oh yeah. Same, same, same. I dont have any "average" cards in my bag but I did FINALLY get a card that reads "just shy of terrible". I had the "anger" card coming up constantly, nearly 90% of the time until last week I suppose. Now the cards that I wake up with most of the time are fear and despair. Saturday was the "hopeless" card. I think the hopeless card is the worst as those days are the days (or periods) I definitely want to end it all. For me it seems like expecting the cards of "Joy" or "Comfort" would be asking too much. Doesnt seem this will happen this year. Thursday and Friday night I had two consecutive nightmares that were unbelievably awful. Both nights I had to run out of my house and into the front yard and calm down to know the world is still here. I hate this ride right now. Or this chapter of my book. Whatever you want to call it, I dont like it. Andy, perhaps over the course of time empathy will return. I am so inwardly focused that it is hard for me to feel much for other's plights unless they are in a similar situation. Everytime I read a new post on this website about a loss I can feel empathy and understanding and pain. Other than that I dont feel much regarding anyone else's problems or issues. The other day someone was telling me about children who couldn't eat and had no home and I could tell they were clearly feeling upset about it but, yet again, because I am clouded and wrapped in my own pain I could not feel anything.
  11. Wow. That really sums it up. I am more interested in death and catastrophes more than ever before. As I wrote before I think about all kinds of catastrophes throughout time. I have been interested in biblical stories where spouses die as well. When I read the news about people's deaths I scan the article to see if they were married. If not married, who cared for them. I suppose I was trying to make sense of things to see a reason for living, or to say to myself if "they" can live through this so can I. As I really wanted to kill myself up until about three weeks ago. Maybe one day I can feel sorry for anyone that goes through life without knowing real love. Maybe I already do. I am not sure. Living in Thailand I meet or hear about a lot of men who literally pay to have a wife that will leave them if the money runs out. This makes me sick to my stomach but I have not been able to feel sorry for these men or at least I dont think I have been able to. For lack of a better word I am going to say I am "immature" in my emotions when thinking about these men who dont know and probably never will know what love feels like. Their behavior just makes me angry and I wish they wouldnt come here. I say in my head that they get what they pay for. Perhaps one day I can feel compassion for them but I am just not in that place today.
  12. Interesting comments. I certainly tried thinking along these lines. I have thought about in the Old Testament as well where entire cities were destroyed by god, or entire villages that contained the wives of the king and all his soldiers were slaughtered while the king was out in battle. Or that in 7000 years of civilization what does 20 more years one way another matter? But unfortunately intellectualizing my wifes death in terms of the world just has not been helpful for me. Trying to compare my situation and how I feel with the millions of other losses doesnt seem to get me anywhere either. I have come to to the conclusion that no matter what I compare my loss to or how I try to fit it in to the present and past happenings of the world it just isnt going to help. Its mine and mine alone to deal with and no other catastrophe, big or small, past, present, or future, is going to change my reality. No comment or intellectualizing by another person seems to help unless the person has been though this process. I would trade the whole world and all the billions that live now and lived before to be with my wife and I can understand how anyone on this forum would think the same. She meant that much to me. The pain and intense, constant thinking of her is starting to slightly lessen. The physical pain has almost subsided. I suppose you could even say things are improving. But every morning and every night and throughout the day I still break down. But even the break downs are not as intense. The highs seem to get higher but the lows still get just as low. This evening I miss her so much more than I did this afternoon. It seems to be a never ending cycle of emotions that are slowly changing shape and form. But who knows about tomorrow or next week or the week after. I am all over the place emotionally. The only emotion that doesnt change is that she is not here to talk to. I guess thats not really even an emotion. But I am sure there are many emotions tied to that. She just isnt here and I need her. .
  13. I did the same thing. Heartbreaking. I am very sorry this happened to you. I just wanted her to open her eyes. I kept thinking her brain had activity and would tell the doctors to come check, but it did not.
  14. Yes. Getting through the days is getting easier for me, but towards what I dont know. I think my feelings are blocked by a lot of anger also. But I can get up and do more things and meet more people than I have been able to in the past. I block my feelings more now. And I distract myself more as well. I have a lot of school and meetings. Not much work, but hopefully will have some of that too. I am almost a robot.
  15. Yeah, I was angry at the doctor for a while over the misdiagnosis as her life may have been able to be saved had the doctor not lied, but thats really not where my anger is directed. I got over the misdiagnosis in a few months pretty much for the exact reasons you say. In addition God put a veil over there eyes as well as mine. Kept us all from seeing what was going on with her. Thats kind of how I see it anyway. He orchestrated this. Perhaps I would see it differently if I hadnt just been talking to my wife all year about how god had suddenly stopped working in our lives. We talked about this all the time and hoped that god would help us change our life direction. I should have seen this coming as bad as everything else was going for no appearant reason. I just had no idea he would go that far and take her too. My anger is pretty much all I have now. But I do think about all the good times. I just woke up from a nap and thinking about things we did is how I got to sleep. I think about her all the time, mostly without tears now. They say at a year you stop crying so much and remember the good times more. I do see how this is possible. But this is from people who want to keep experiencing life on there own. I wish I was one of those but I am not.