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About bradley1985

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  • Angel Date
    December 5, 2016
  1. Dear KMB, I cant argue with your philosophy. I am sure it is correct and agree in theory. But why me and why us I still have to ask? Why not some people that like to teach and like this kind of stuff? I feel like god has jerked me around over and over since the time I was born. My entire life has been nothing but being jerked around. I have never been and am not in any condition to promote his plan. I was/am just doing good to try to stay sober and support my family (which he so wisely removed from me last year....all four creatures that depended on me). Frankly I hate gods plan and I think I hate him. I feel like the cow that has been coralled to the slaughter pen against his will. As far as being interconnected I agree. But I didnt sign up to be some kind of meditating, spiritual monk. All I ever wanted was a normal family with a normal life style (or somewhat normal) and no matter what I do, where I go, the great god says "no" you cant have what 90% of everyone else has. Not today, not ever. And if you attain anything close to normal he will kill all three of my animals and my wife in the same year. To me god is a brutal task master that will go to any length to force you into his plan. That's his nature. Obey or be crucified (i am not talking about obey law here....obey gods plan) is his motto. He lets everyone else off the hook and selects certain people to make suffer. I know I am not the only one but I am part of a small group that he heaps his suffering onto. My wife was everything. There are so many rotten marriages, people cheating on each other, etc. Why not kill one of their wives? Why not take a person in my family that didnt mean so much? This is how he operates. He always takes the good ones and leaves me to deal with the difficult ones. Just absolute garbage IMO. He left all the other cats in my neighborhood who had zero vaccinations and killed both mine who were vacinated. This is his nature. Then I hear people who want a sign from heaven that there loved one is in gods arms?? Really? What kind of jerk god would give you no warning (revelation) that your loved one is deathly ill but then reveal to you they are ok in heaven after they are dead? No god I want to know would behave like this. I am more than happy to give of myself and be kind to others and animals. No problem. But if god is listening I hope he understands I just want to go the next world asap as this place just makes me utterly sick. I wish I were never born but if I am here for a lesson I want to learn it as quickly as possible so I can get out of here as I can tell you I sure dont want to repeat this life again either on earth or in heaven.
  2. Seems like to tease me is how I feel. I feel I just got a prank from the universe. I am not interested in trying again either. I knew when we got together that was my last chance at a decent life. We talked about it all the time. Your last sentence is the lynchpin. You hit the nail on the head. Now I am FULLY aware of my situation and before my wife I was not. If it had been a poor marriage or I had been thinking about divorce or it had been like any one of my previous 7 relationships I would not know what I missing and I may feel like staying alive. As it is now I am the walking dead. Everytime I try to imagine my life one or two years out from today it just makes me sick. So I try to just think about getting through today. I have joined a 12 step group for relationships in addition to all the grief work I have done and am hoping that helps. Maybe if I could learn to live alone with myself there might be some hope. But as far as finding another Nicole this isnt going to happen in this universe, much less earth. For now, all I can do is get up, do my chores, walk for an hour, work, try to improve my business, eat, go to my language school for two hours, have some conversations about self help, go to bed. At least my wife is in my dreams every single night. Movies, TV, and music dont help.
  3. Agree. Agree. Agree. I dont have much to say to anyone either. I quit calling back to the usa a few weeks ago. I just cant listen to people's lives and about there family and normal stuff while feeling my life has been ripped away from me. My siblings sometimes reach out and tell me to have fun. Yeah, right. My friends want to talk and they want to help but they dont know how. I am not really even sure there's anything they can do. I just dont have much to say. I am definitely a downer. Sorry, but there is nothing to be remotely happy about. I have tried to fool myself but it doesnt work. I also just keep telling myself the pain will be less. Its just a dull grey world without my wife. The sunshine seems like its a lost effort without being able to shine on Nicole. The rain is worse but in a way its better as at least the weather matches me. Anxiety, guilt, and resentment seem to have gone down after the grief programs. Depression and hopelessness have not.
  4. I dont expect a sign. I didnt get a sign that she was going to die. For god to give me a sign that shes ok in heaven seems to me like cruel and unusual punishment. Its like really? No sign that she was going to die but here's a sign that shes ok now? Not a god I even want to know. Revealing to me she was deathly sick would have been a god I like to know. A god that only reveals she is ok in Heaven now that she's gone without any revelation sounds like nothing more than a prankster to me.
  5. I dont think that is opposite. I want to talk about the same things. I think we are on the same page here. Its just friends and family dont want or cant continually hear about Nicole. This is why I call her younger sister to talk as she also is lonely without Nicole. Friends cannot begin to fathom what the loss is like, so even if you dont have very many I can go ahead and tell you aren't missing an outlet of expression when it comes to commucating these things to friends. They dont want to hear it or cant understand it. I also want to say over and over how much I miss her and how sad and angry I am that she suffered and is no longer here when she wanted to live a long life. I also want to explain how my entire future just suddenly shifted from one of love and hope and fun times to one of utter solitary devastation and sadness. But, unfortuneatley, no one is going to ask these things. My therapist says I am better but I just got off the phone with my mom and I cannot bring myself to say "I am better". This would be a lie. This hole feels unfillable to me from my current vantage point. She is on my mind all the time. Every time I even walk in the door I miss seeing her shoes there. Every time I walk in the kitchen I miss see her cooking. Every restaurant I go to I look to see if the menu would be to her liking and if we can eat there. Everytime I sleep I dream she is helping me with the business or something else in life. Every time.....etc., etc. etc. This is the saddest and most depressive time of my entire life. The books say losing your spouse or child is "ONE" of life's worse events. One? Why does the iterature continually minimize this? This is by far the biggest loss I have ever encountered X10 or X100. Its definitely not "one of". It IS the worst thing that has ever happend to me.
  6. I dont see anyway around this one. Seems like this would have to happen but I am having trouble with this. I have zero joy at this time. I try to be thankful for a good cup of coffee, a hamburger that tastes good, even a smile from my coworker. Its hard at the stage I am in right now. I cant help but focus on how life "should" have been. My brain is on auto pilot thinking about her and everytime I go to do something I wish she was with me doing it. There doesnt seem to be a magic button to push. My counselor wants me to do these things also. She wants me to be thankful for all above and that I have family and that I have meetings to go to and that I have friends and that my business is improving. But all of these things were there or could have been there anyway. Its just the huge elephant in the room (figuratively, Nicole was small) that is missing.
  7. My wife loved me but she could have handled this much better. She actually "enjoyed" her time with others when she was not with me. She made friends easier. She just automatically knew how to get along in society better. She was "cooler" than me. Etc Etc. I really "only" wanted to be with her when doing things or at least have her present and I never really enjoyed doing things with others when she was not present. Even after 6 months I still wish it would have been me and not her. Because she would have been able to "build" a life whereby it seems any life I "build" is just going to be incomplete. Hardly worth doing.
  8. I stayed at my Dad's house while in the USA for 6 weeks or so and every time the automatic garage door would close it would be totally dark in the garage and every time the door shut I thought about this. I would wait for the door to totally shut and it be dark before I would go in the house. I still think about it every day. I wonder what it would be like for me. How scared would I be? There is a part of me that says if she endured it I can too. After all everyone has to endure this sooner or later. But the unexpectedness of her young age makes me just gut wrenching sick. We were not prepared for this event. Or at least I wasnt for sure. I dont think she was either since she was trying on swimsuits a few hours before. I have decided I want to go quickly and swiftly without prior knowledge.
  9. Francine, Thank you for this. I no longer believe prayers are answered according to the prayer "request" but I do believe strongly in god. For my experience its just too out of order. My wife was so young and full of energy and we were just starting our life together. We had been together only 6 years and were really looking forward to the next 20+ years. So for me it feels like being cheated. I waited all my life to fall in love and have someone I really wanted with me and 17 months of marriage feels like a cheat. We left the usa as a team to start a new life together overseas and now, whoosh, its gone. I am very familiar with that cold clammy darkness but I also dont see that place as much now. But the pain behind my jaw and the upset stomach and the heart ache are not going to retreat anytime soon. I feel like a poker player who has just had one bad hand after another but I never dreamed my final hand would be my wife dying. I couldnt even imagine such a catastrophe. Even on the way to the hospital, even at the hospital, even after she was pronounced brain dead I still THOUGHT she would be ok. I not only miss her from my standpoint but feel rediculously sorry for her herself. Even if she wasnt with me and had divorced me at least she would have her life! Ya know?
  10. Eagle96, I do too. Very conflicted. To be honest it is easier to be around people I dont know so well and NOT tell them how I am feeling. If I tell friends or family how I am doing it either drives them away or they want to tell me what I need to do to feel fine. No matter what the hell they say or what they want to talk about or what advice they give I can guaruntee you it isnt going to help. If anything it will just make things worse. Almost every time. When I talk to my wife's mother or her sister its a different story as this was their loss also for the rest of their lives. They are by far the easiest people to talk to as regardless of their drinking or whatever they most certainly feel the pain.
  11. Thanks KMB. The anxiety is also down. I forgot to mention that. Yes. heck of a way to live. I really dont want to talk to anyone about anything personal anymore unless its in a support group. Thats sort of the point I am getting too. As nobody understands outside of these groups unless they have been there. I am overseas and every day I find it more difficult to call friends and family back in the U.S. because I dont have a "positive" update. Yes, anxiety is down, guilt is down, ability to function is up, but those, except for guilt are not really feelings. The feeling is and continues to be I, as well as others on this forum, have lost our lives. I probably shouldnt speak for anyone but myself. But I have lost my life. Like you, I busy myself now with trying to get coffee I like, food I like, learning a new language, and work. I have a young lady who works for me who is nice to work with but after a few hours I am ready to sulk again. I sort of count the hours until its time to fall asleep again. You hit the nail on the head when you say Nicole brought love, meaning, and purpose to life. It was here one minute and gone the next. My counselor says that my wife gave me this gift and now I can share it with family and friends. But I dont get it. I shared it with Nicole and I cant all of the sudden take this love and share it with others....I really dont even feel like talking to "others", much less sharing Nicole's love.
  12. Andy, I am pretty sure nobody is paying attention. When Nicole and I used to eat out I never remember one time thinking about the people eating alone. This doesnt bother me that much, however, seeing the couples talking and holding hands, etc still makes me feel my loss. Every time I see a couple riding a motorbike which is about 500 times per day the memory just persists. This keeps me permanently depressed.
  13. Well, I finished this program. I am pretty sure its the top program in the U.S. I think they have a lot of things correct. I also did the christ based "Griefshare" program. It was good as well but in a different way. Bottom line is after both of these programs the guilt is less and ability to deal with people have improved somewhat. That is positive. I have work which seems to be going well. Thats positive again. However, my overall depression and hopelessness have not improved. I cant see a light at the end of the tunnel regarding having a life again. I say "again". But to be honest the only life I have ever had where I felt I had a life was when I was married to my wife. Every day I wake up and its just another day with me, by myself, without Nicole. Nothing really to look forward too. My friends remind me of the good times in High School, which quite honestly, were not all that good. My parents remind me of when I was a kid, which again quite honestly, were not all that good. I feel like I am in for the most empty life imaginable. Just wake up, cry, work, make some money, go to meetings, come home cry, go to bed. I walk an hour every morming because my counselor tells me too but also just to fill up my day and to help me sleep at night. Nobody seems to understand. Even the counselor says "glad you are enjoying your walks". Well, I am not! I just do it. Today I told my sister I was doing "ok". I lied. She replies back glad you are doing "good". Everyone wants to force how you should be feeling onto you. I hate it but will live with it as I they are tired of hearing how I feel. I feel like this life now has nothing to offer that is of any substance. A walk, some good food, sunshine.....sounds great but these things are a mere pittance of what has been lost.
  14. Nothing is enough but try to get to two a week if you can. The more the better more or less. I have worked several different grief programs. Some grief components are better. Unfortunately some feel worse.
  15. Thank you KayC. I never had much of a life prior to my wife so I really appreciate that you used the word "build" as opposed to "rebuild" or recover. When people say "recover" I think "recover to what?". I have nothing prior to my wife to recover too. All my mind does is think about her and not just her but the life we had. And would have had. It feels like god signed me up for everything I never wanted. And to be honest I have never really found much joy in anything outside of seeing my wife laugh and joke. Prior to that my life was just a drug/drunken nothingness.