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About bradley1985

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    December 5, 2016
  1. Perfectly said. Now its just me. Now not only do I get to miss her and grieve but I am left with myself. All the baggage I may have carried that was masked by her love, all the fears I have had all my life that were masked by her, all my desires to take care of and love my partner now with no place and no love to focus them on is upon me. The tidal wave of myself has finally come home to roost. I am working hard on both my grief and myself. I have to work and I mean work if I am going to live through this. I truly believe we have to do our grief work. See a counselor, work through the grief recovery handbook, journal, process every feeling from the death, remember every event you can with your spouse and how it felt (good and bad). This is the only way out of this hell hole.
  2. Thanks Eagle. We never bickered hardly and almost never argued. The slight irritation about how the other was doing something was about it. I read somewhere that we get our true memories back over time and not the distorted ones. They also say this in the grief recovery handbook and that is the reason for making a relationship graph. Right now mine are still pretty distorted I suppose. I see her as a saint who could do no wrong and loved me more than I loved her (well, at least from a display of affection standpoint). My counselor tells me to remember I did not fight/argue with her and I provided a nice home, 24 hours a day of my time, plenty of good food, bought her lots of stuff, and got her two kittens she wanted. My counselor says if thats not love then what is? I never took her for granted but some of the small things, like some of the conversations, jokes or when she wanted to model clothes (personal, not for our business) or newly painted finger nails sometimes I was out to lunch (worrying about the future of course). I struggle sometimes because I wasnt and never have been the affectionate type. I dont do lots of hand holding and hugs. Never have with anyone. But my counselor says thats ok because there are other ways to love like quality time and gifts. I loved her so much I let many of my other relationships with family and friends deteriorate because I wanted to spend all of my time with her. Every year that went by she made me laugh more and want to talk with her more so I gradually lost interest in a lot of other relationships I SHOULD have kept stronger. Whether co-dependence or love I sort of set myself up for a larger fall than was necessary when she died as I had almost no support network. I have to really learn how to relate to the world again on the world's terms. Grief is hard on so many levels. The myriad of components is just a killer. Regrets, anger (she didnt take good care of herself), idolizing, emptiness, lonliness (that nobody else can fill), broken heart, facing your own internal baggage/issues, etc. If the grief god would just remove ONE component this would be a little easier. I am in the final stages of using the grief recovery handbook in a class that is slowly helping with some of this. Especially the idolizing and anger parts.
  3. Thanks KMB. I cant believe what I had now. I didnt appreciate what I had enough when she was here. It is unbelievable what I took for granted and assumed it would last forever. I never dreamed it would end. Now that I am facing this I am finally in the moment. Its like a reverse of what it it is supposed to be. I wish I had been in the moment all the time with her in our relationship and now that she is gone I am definitely in the moment. every painful moment. A lot of people just have no idea what they have. Or they have an idea but dont have the capacity to appreciate it until something like this happens.
  4. I am doing the same. it is the only thing that helps. i have to keep her with me to get through this. It hurts so bad still on a daily basis. i thought at almost 6 months i was supposed to be better. doesnt seem to happening that way for me.
  5. I had one of these about a week ago. She was frail and had black spots all over her face but I was so happy she was back with me and woke up in a nightmare. I hugged and loved her and then woke up.
  6. KMB and KayC: Thank you both. I can relate to both of you. Reality is setting in that I actually have to do some stuff and have an emotional bantering of back and forth with family and friends and the general world no matter whether I care about the conversation/acitivity or not. Its like having to go jogging after the bottom of your feet have been burned with hot coals. I am starting to understand you have to engage the world no matter how much it sucks. But if god called me right now I am still game. Or if there was a insta-gotoheaven button on my computer I would push it. I have not talked to anyone today about anything so the anger has subsided. (terrible, right?) I can become a person and keep going but I am living an unwanted life for now. While having a family (immediate family) was my primary goal I have to alter that for the time being and try to take care of myself as BEST I CAN.
  7. This is starting to happen to me. It is freaking me out. I cant feel her a lot of the time and it seems like it was all a dream. I start to wonder if she loved me and if anything was even real. But i know she did. I know she loved me more than any other person in the whole world. But it is feeling like it is from an inttelect point of view and not in my heart. It was real. It was real. I keep telling myself this. This crap just sucks. everything about grief sucks. My counselor says her death made me open up. Like her dying was needed for me to grow or something. I just hate every thing about this and am not fond of this world to be honest. Others say they see me getting better???? Better? I am the angriest and hateful I have ever been (inside my head that is). And now I cant feel her as much just to boot.
  8. I have similar feelings. I am at 5 months and it sucks. I miss my wife every second of every day and I am so lonely at times. It is unbearable so much of the time. This journey is a personalized hell. I talk to her all day. I try to act like her some of the time. I try to make her funny faces. I order her favorite foods. I try to keep her right beside me while I go through this hell. Work at everything is what I am doing. I try to talk to people WHEN I CAN. I try to make friends when I can. I try to talk to my family as best I can. I go to many grief groups, get numbers, call them when I can. I work on our business. I read grief books. I am currently working out of the grief handbook and graphing our relationship (week 7 in my group). Even people on this site, if you like what they say send them a personal email. And the number one thing that has helped is that I have QUIT accepting advice from family and friends. I now know tons of people that have ACTUALLY lost a spouse or child and that is where to get advice. Family and friends advice just is irritating and makes it worse. I would do anything to have my sweet Nicole back in my life. But it doesn't appear thats going to happen.
  9. Being too busy probably wont help. Its a myth. My family told me to get busy. Get a new job. Go volunteer. yadda yadda. However, that said, if you were working prior to her death it would probably be good to go back to work WHEN you are ready. The activities you did prior to her death at some point should be re-engaged. I just simply dont listen to anyone who has not been through the process. That keeps it clean and simple. Why listen to folks who have not experienced it when you can listen to a multitude who have?
  10. First off, the brutal feeling of being alone, even in a crowd of family sucks and I am sorry. I feel this all the time. Second, and more importantly, friends and family, unless they have have lost a spouse, will tell you everything from an intellect point of view, not an emotional point of view. For this reason nearly every piece of advice they give is worthless or opposite. For friends and family to be of any help you have to educate them on grief. Otherwise you will get these off the wall comments like throwing out your bed and painting your house....which every grief book advises against major changes. Painting the house seems like a major change to me but thats up to the individual I suppose. You see one of the two tenants of grief recovery is you have to process every memory you have had with your wife and feel the feelings. In order to do this its best if things are left unchanged for a while (so the memories can be processed). There are a lot of good grief books out there to read. Thats a good place to start IMO.
  11. Appearantly what has to change is ourselves. Supposedly its some kind of silver lining (screw the silver lining IMO, i want my wife back). Maybe start getting involved with grief work and pray for survival. That is what I am doing. I want to die every minute of every single day but I do my homework from the groups and just hope one day I get up with something to look forward too. The aloneness without her (specifically her) is the worst.
  12. yes. Me too. Every minute of every day. God help us. the pain just seems to change form over time.
  13. I am sorry you lost your soulmate at a young age. Same here. Its not getting any easier for me either. As with you we were just getting our lives set for a perfect or at least a good future. We finally met our goals for living abroad the week my wife suddenly died. She was 33. We had a whole life to look forward too. A life I had looked forward to all my life. I too, feel cheated. I dont have additional responsibilities but now I have to do everything we did together (we both worked on our company) alone. Every day, basically every minute I am either in tears or angry. My wife was the one for me. six years together and 17 months of marriage. Thats all I got. The "we had 40 wonderful years together" doesnt apply to me. Just lonliness, disbelief, and anger with 25-35 years left empty where I had dream for those years. I have an article I need to locate that wont directly help with his death, but it will help you know how hard it is to lose someone at your age and make it more difficult for people to minimize your feelings. you are just a few years out of the bracket for the most life threatening female age bracket to lose a spouse. This is because the "out of place" "sudden" loss creates an isolation issue in younger people that cause additional issues. For example, disease will kill young widows seven times more frequently than their married counterparts. When I find the link I will post it. In the meantime remember you are not alone.
  14. Here is a movie. I dont know if it helps but its a movie i watch over and over. Made by a man who lost his wife. His story here: 1:15 minute movie here:
  15. I am in good health, have a good small business that is growing. My home for the last 4 years has been in a paradise and still is (Thailand). I have money in the bank. If I was in this position 20 years ago (without my wife) I would be having the time of my life. I would be on facebook all the time with my discoveries and meeting new people every day. But now? Now I feel at least similar to you. I have next to nothing without my wife to share it with. My son is grown and has his own life. Sure people say I have something to live for. I have a ton of things to live for according to the world. But do I feel that way? No. The monthly dinner with my son. The weekly phone call with my sibilings. These are what people say I have to live for. How about the other 23 hours and 55 minutes of every day? Even when I am not alone, I feel alone without her. She is what breathed the life into me. I know I depended on her too much for my own happiness, but too late. Thats what I did.