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    • ModKonnie

      Advertisements   09/05/2017

      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie


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  1. I just miss him...

    Mrsviden, I think you are so brave for going downtown despite dreading it. That must have taken a lot of strength. You can be proud of yourself for having taken this step! Do your sister and friend know how difficult this is/was for you?
  2. A Feeling of Determination

    AceBasin, your message is so beautiful and full of hope. You can do it!
  3. I fear my death now, but I’m not sure I still would without my parents. They are the ones giving purpose to my life. I’m glad to read that you are trying to stay positive, though. Do you feel that you are able to be somewhat more positive now than after the first months after your loss? I hope so. It sounds like you still have some great things planned. I get to meet my new psychologist on the first of May, which is a pretty long time for now, but will hopefully prove useful.
  4. @reader You are right, I have tremendous difficulty appreciating the time I have with my parents. I am worried about making new memories with them, because I fear it will be unbearable to look back on them. I do realize this is crazy. I’m sorry there were so few nice memories in your time with your father. Obviously running errands is crucial too, so I hope this doesn’t add to your guilt. It truly sounds like you did everything you could for him. I know what you mean about not feeling any true passion about anything in life. Would you say you suffer from depression? I truly hope you find something to ‘live for’.
  5. Trouble doing things without my husband

    Hey Panda, I am deeply sorry for your loss. I can only imagine the void in your life that you must now feel. I found this link the other day, perhaps it is useful to you in some way: http://www.whatsyourgrief.com/grief-cooking-after-a-death/
  6. Recently lost my sister

    I was reading this the other day: http://www.hellogrief.org/my-life-as-an-analytical-griever/ Perhaps it applies to you in some way. That is not to say that you are not utterly devastated, of course. How are you doing at the moment?
  7. Recently lost my sister

    Hey Sappho, I am really sorry for your loss. Your story about soul loss is very beautiful. Is academia proving to be somewhat comforting to you?
  8. I’m sorry that your romantic relationship with your gardener didn’t work out. Still, it must be really nice to have a companion, especially one that has lived through grief and that makes you feel protected. Also, you must have an impressive garden. I do have a boyfriend of sorts (for lack of a better term), but he’s a paranoid schizophrenic and doesn’t do talking about feelings. I also don’t really like going over to his house because he never cleans. He says he will take care of me when my parents have died, but I’m not sure he is capable of taking care of himself at all. It must also be nice having a dog around. I read about the existence of grief therapy dogs the other day, which warmed my heart somewhat. I do have a dog that I love very dearly, but I wonder whether she will be enough to keep me around when my parents have died. Of course, the thought of her not having anyone to take care of her is kind of heartbreaking. It’s probably good, in a way, that you still fear death, since it means life hasn’t made you completely numb. I think my worst fear is living to be very old, with my parents gone and no will to live whatsoever. What kinds of things would you still like to do? I hope you get to do them. Nothing like a death in the family to provide you with a sense of urgency, I suppose. :/
  9. @reader I also wish I could take away your pain. You may experience things that are ‘normal’ in grief, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t incredibly hard, obviously. I do find it somewhat comforting to read that other people also consider their parents to be everything to them. I hope you will find companionship, should you want to one day (and are ready). What kinds of things did you enjoy doing before your father’s passing? I imagine a lot of your time was spent taking care of him, so I could understand if nothing comes to mind. I agree it is probably essential having ‘your own life’, but I also relate very much to feeling like you are not cut out for life. Life just seems like such a cruel joke much of the time. Do you ever feel like letting go of your guilt would, in turn, make you feel guilty? It is perhaps a bit perverse for me to continue to post on this forum even though I did not suffer any recent losses, but I find the people here to be so understanding. It is such a weird thought that (almost) everyone experiences major loss, yet it doesn’t seem like everyone is marked by it for the rest of their lives. Or maybe people are just adept at hiding their feelings in public, I don’t know. I made an appointment with a psychologist that lives on my block today. I am worried, in a way, that if I stop obsessing over the death of my parents, I will be unprepared when it happens. Of course, one is never truly prepared…
  10. I am really, really sorry for your loss. I don't think it is unusual at all to 'still' be falling apart after only two months. That is only such a short time to adjust to a major change in your life, which may well be a loss of 'foundation'. The mother-daughter bond is often a strong one, and it sounds like it is for you, too. The fact that you have some hope that you will one day be happy again, even just occasionally, seems very promising, however. I hope you will be. Since your experience sounds traumatic, perhaps this link will prove useful to you: https://www.helpguide.org/articles/ptsd-trauma/emotional-and-psychological-trauma.htm
  11. I am so very sorry for your loss. It is very beautiful that you are able to find at least some solace in the fact that your mum lived an amazing life. You should be really proud of that, and I don't think there is any shame in considering that her life was perhaps a fuller one than most people's. The way you describe her, she sounds like a remarkable woman. I truly hope that yes, you will be, in some way, happy again one day. Hopefully, being candid about your feelings, as you are, will somehow help in that. Perhaps there is a local group of young people that are dealing with a loss, so you could meet others that do have your (unfortunate) life experience?
  12. @reader Thank you for letting me ramble on. I am sure that it is extremely common to feel like there is no more purpose in living after a (major) loss, but I imagine that feeling must be worse if you found your sense of purpose in caring for that very person. I hope you will be able to stop berating yourself one day, even if I truly understand (or believe I do, anyway). I wonder if grief might be even worse on those with obsessive personalities. Hopefully you will be able to find some happiness in small things, initially, and more substantial things later on. I definitely don't think it is a sign of hypersensitivity to be feeling deeply hurt after only six months of grieving! (Although you may well also be a highly sensitive person, of course). Do you have a relationship or pet? I wish I could hug so many people frequenting this forum. :/
  13. A World Without Grandma

    More, your poem moved me to tears. You are a gifted poet. I'm so sorry about your grandmother.
  14. Thank you for your response. You must have a keen psychological eye, because I have also wondered if I have the ‘pure O’ type of OCD. I will also begrudgingly admit that I have found some of my previous therapists to have been a little simplistic in their approaches. Did you ultimately find a therapist that suited your needs? I hope so. I’m glad you seem to have found effective therapy in CBT. I have read the article in The Guardian before (although I found the response to be somewhat disappointing), but I have never seen the second link before (despite my obsessive reading about grief all day, haha), so thank you very much for that! I do want to make the most of my life, and I do not wish to leave this planet without having somehow improved the lives of others in a real and lasting way. I do find myself secretly hoping that I will make a real change in the world before my parents die, so I can silently exit when they do, without feeling regret. More unhealthy thinking, I know. I am glad you don’t report experiencing unbearable pain. I tend to lay the blame of my dependency on myself (should I have moved out at 18, like a normal person in my country?!), but perhaps my parents are also partially responsible, as maybe your father was. I am so glad that you feel better than before. I also like that you live with your gardener. That is such a cool and unusual living arrangement (or maybe it isn’t so unusual where you live?). Do you keep a pet? I am sorry for the wall of text...
  15. @reader I'm really sorry you've had so much to deal with. It sounds exhausting and lonely. I can't imagine the state of shock you must have been in after finding out that your father had passed in your absence. Were you closer to your father than your siblings were? (Given that you seem to have been his primary caretaker, I would imagine so). I am an only child, which will be hard, but I think being around siblings that don't really understand would be an even lonelier experience. I hope that that is not the case, and that you find some comfort in talking to them. I'm sorry you don't feel relief (this sounds weirdly cruel, but I hope you understand what I mean). I think I can understand your wanting to remain in anger and denial. Do you feel guilty not doing so? In a weird way, I think that I would feel that remaining depressed for the rest of my days would be like a tribute to the relationship I had with my parents, somehow proving that they were everything to me. Of course, this is unhealthy. I hope I'm not bringing you down by sharing my feelings. I wish you lots of love, as well as happiness (eventually).