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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie

My girl is in heaven

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  1. Loss of an Adult Child

    Dear dear Kate, Ross and family. Sending prayers and warm hugs your way as you are at Jeff’s angel date again. I can’t help but think that that first Christmas you probably already had your decorations up and gifts bought. What should have been coming up to the happiest day of the year was instead devastating. But still you are a shing beacon of hope to all of us that we can weave that grief into our new lives and carry on for the sake of those left behind. As difficult as that can be. I hope that today instead of the foxes, birds and other critters that it is your Jeff who makes his presence known, so he can let you know how proud he is of his mama and papa and the good work they are doing. We all know we will see our precious babies again some day but there are those two days a year that always pull even tighter on our hearts and souls. Good luck with the toy sorting today. Feel your boy’s presence everywhere you go. And know that tomorrow you will feel a tiny bit better. Your my next door neighbour, I wish I could fly there to give a big hug today but hope u can feel it just the same. Heads up and keep going today. Am thinking of you guys and your angel boy. Take care Luanne
  2. Loss of an Adult Child

    Dee, what a beautiful way to look at Erica’s life. Yes if we could only see what was ahead for them. I have never charged up Kira’s phone to read it. She was a teenage girl and would not have wanted her mom reading her conversations. And I know if I did it would simply be devastating to read the last glimpses of her life. The police called me a couple years ago to come pick it up and when I did I broke down. The policeman was nice enough to have me in for a minute. But some days I wonder if I should read it. No no I just can’t. It is very hard to not think of what they would be doing or look like today. They all had so much to offer this world. I love that you put an ornament on that tree, a sparkly one . So you have a son who lives close by then. So how many grandchildren do you have then. My sister in law who lost a child many years ago now has grandchildren from her other child. She says they change you and Bring some light back to your life. Lesley. I feel lucky too that I found this site and all of you. MY GOD...THIS WORLD DOES NOT CARE. I still find that mind boggling that a loss of a child sparks no compassionate or kindness from people outside of the first few days. And yes I would settle for a sliver of peace any day...just a sliver even. Did you get your tree up. R your kids all coming for the holidays to your place. I hope so. kate. Yeah I guess playing with foxes wasn’t quite what I meant. Your place sounds beautiful. I am so jealous. My husband and I would love to live near water and woods. I always say Canada is a beautiful country everywhere except southern Ontario. Unless you like cornfields and cows. Lol. I so wished I’d moved from here years ago. We are thinking about visiting Manitoba next summer(but of course I never look that far ahead in life) so I might pick your brain sometime about what are good places to see or maybe renting a cottage. I can just picture you walking out of the woods with this trail of critters behind you. Lol. How is Ross doing. Is he done his eye treatments. Loads of hockey on tonight. sherry, you have any snow yet. We only have a dusting. I would think you and I would have about the same weather. I hope it’s not a bad winter. dianne I’m sorry I was absent on the 28th. I know it was a difficult day for you. And then to have Christmas coming up. I’m glad I have you guys to hang on to this Christmas. Susan. I hope you are feeling better and have lots of help. Please take it easy. I would love to come over and help you and bring you a blueberry coffee cake. I can’t believe all the snow you have and the big crash up there. You have more than Ontario has got so far. That little veto is such a doll. He will have fun at Christmas. Please let us know how you are doing. Take care. Do you guys have snow tires there. Colleen. I see you celebrated your Aaron’s birthday. Nice picture. My Aaron was 26 on Nov. 14th. What day is your Aaron’s birthday. We took him out for supper too. It was hard but we had to do it for him. Just trying our best to carry on. tina. See how many people care about you. Let us know how things are going. You’ll get thru, look how far you have already come. Keep talking to us. Gretchen,devianz, Georgina, Becky, Somersky....how are you guys doing. Well off to my hockey...Toronto has scored twice in two minutes. Have a nice rest of the weekend everyone.
  3. Loss of an Adult Child

    Tina. I’m so sorry you are struggling. R u still working or has place shut down. How did job at prison pan out. Do you not get health care thru employers. Is there a flat monthly fee that each person has to pay. I’m not familiar with your system. Our health care is paid for here but quite a wait time. Or do u pay per visit. I can’t accept that my Kira is gone either. I have been seeing a chaplain for 5 1/2 years and what she has explained to me has helped me to accept that’s she is not just gone. She tells me our angels in heaven are in a place so wonderful that we cannot comprehend here on earth. She tells me they no longer have the need or desire for earthly things so we shouldn’t feel bad they are not enjoying the things they used to here. And she tells me they don’t measure time like we do. There time is eternity so they can wait for us to finish our life here. So I have no way of knowing this is correct more than any one else does. But is what I chose to believe. I picture, her, I feel her. So that’s what I tell myself when I think she is just gone. The chaplain asked me to consider last week if maybe Kira can’t do all and what she needs to do because she sees how sad her mama is and wants her to be happy. I’m still thinking about that one. But if I take even a baby step forward I refuse to believe I am leaving her behind. Instead I bring her with me. This is what I hold on to. I know our girls understand that we need to be there for their brothers. I don’t know if this is helpful for you but that is the one way I can survive this. Maybe our girls are together. I understand your feeling of wanting to stay in bed, I laid on the couch all winter last year in a terrible state..it was horrible. Your first Xmas will be hard. I which I could tell you all the rest will be ok after this one but they won’t be. It will never be alright but I like to think I’m slowly weaving my grief into this new life, the one none of us want. I hope u can think of where Kiona is the same way I do Kira. It will be hard but u need to shine a little light for Grayson. Do you have any plans for the holidays. Keep going, you have come so far since March. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I am here if you want to email or I can even call you if that would help. Please take .
  4. Loss of an Adult Child

    Dianne and Lesley, thanks. I know your right. But sometimes I can go along ok and then for whatever reason take a dive back into the hole. The other day I was trying so hard just to hold my own. I was cleaning up in Aaron’s room and came across a picture of Aaron and Kira at summer camp years ago that I had never seen before. Any bit of progress or tiny step I had made that day was totally wiped out. It just took looking at one picture to just gut me again. One step forward, two back. I have managed to put out two or three decorations and a tiny spindley 3 foot silver Charlie Brown tree up. Very low key and no lights but just a little something for when the boys come home. Randy said why are you putting that junk out. After six years of totally rejecting everything Christmas it was a start. But I understood what my husband was thinking. Why bother. Xmas is just another day to “get thru”. Lesley has kindly been babysitting me the last few weeks and convinced me to be the one to show my family it is ok to live again. There is just no way randy or the boys will do that. I have just ordered a few things on line for the boys. Nothing like I used to do. But I need a few things like socks and underwear; etc. So I had my husband take me to a mall a couple times this week. I knew what I was in for, the carols, decorations, the moms with their daughters. But I soldiered in anyway. While it was difficult I simply drew up enough courage and told myself I had to this....for my boys. Both boys have girlfriends. Which is the only happy spot I have had much in six years. I am so glad they have someone and very nice girls. So when I was looking for little things like nail polish or hand cream I so so much wanted to be buying three of them instead of two. I did a little shopping and as pathetically weak as this sounds I would tell myself, dee is teaching, Kate is playing with her foxes, Dianne is comforting her cousin, Susan was recovering, Lesley was maybe putting up her tree and maybe Tina was seeing a dr. About some meds, etc, etc, but is what I told myself is I knew there were others bereaved moms out there with hearts just as broken as mine. But I knew no matter the pain, you all got up this morning and went about your day what ever that entailed doing the best you could, so somehow I had to too. Sometimes just knowing somebody knows your pain and is there for you is all that matters. Yesterday a man in Toronto went thru a Tim Hortons (coffee) drive thru and said to the clerk I’ll pay for the guys behind me and tell him to have a good day. As it turned out that man had planned on committing suicide later that day but changed his mind because somebody showed him they care. So Lesley you are right the circle of care continues. Thanks to all of you for my much needed boost this week. And yes Dianne I did hear Kira say you got this mom. You can do it.
  5. Loss of an Adult Child

    Oh I am overwhelmed by all your kindness and support. I wish I could hug each and everyone of you. Strange to me you would think I was alluding to suicide. Those thoughts are a constant train of thought to me and have been since I was a very young girl. I just wrote them down this time that’s all. They just got worse when I lost Kira. It’s just part of growing up with no confidence or self esteem. I was instilling those things on Kira. There is no way I would let her grow up like me. Most of the time I can just ignore or say shut up but sometimes they can drag me back into the hole. I am so glad I didn’t offend anyone. Leslie’s right depression can really warp your way of thinking. Thanks again for your kindness. I don’t know what I did to deserve such good friends but I cherish everyone of you. We’ll post more later about where I am at but just wanted to let you know I feel much better now and like I am back home. Yes kate am watching every game I can. Some nights there are games on from 730 right thru til midnight. Kinda a hockey heaven for me.
  6. Loss of an Adult Child

    I have been off the site since about nov. 15th. I was thinking maybe lack of response was maybe an indication that not only was I not helping anyone but was maybe saying the wrong things and making people feel worse. While I have got so much compassion and support here and I still need, I also try to reach out to anyone who is having a rough time and try to be open and honest about what my experiences have been or even just inquire about others lives as I know we all need support for our daily lives sometime. Please know I would never intentionally hurt anyone and I am sorry if I have. Despite what I have been told and I try not to dwell quite as much on it as I used to, I carry a tremendous amount of guilt about not responding to Kira’s collapse. I can hear that sound as clear as day and despite being the most over reacting mother I cannot say why I did not run up stairs when I heard that sound. I know for sure I could have saved her from drowning but I don’t know about the arrthymia. How ever slim I was her only chance and it is a horrible burden to bear. I just did not want to live with the fact I was the cause of making someone feel bad as that would be more guilt and I simply can’t hold anymore. . I am aware the suffering from low self esteem, grief and depression, that my mind can be very convincing that I cause nothing but misery to others and am a totally worthless person. But Kate is right when she says “ there is a common understanding that simply nobody can begin to connect with beyond here on the site”. That is so true. We are aliens from the loss of a child planet even if we don’t show it on the outside, we are terribly scarred on the inside and always will be. I have a hard time talking to anyone who hasn’t lost a child now because they are so shallow and unconcerned, only happy that it wasn’t their kid. I have thought of nothing much but getting my life in order since Kira died. I’m obsessed with how I’m leaving things for my boys. I won’t even let myself entertain the thought that my boys might marry and have children someday. One of the things I have learned in six years is to have no hopes or dreams anymore. Well I guess I’m just rambling now I don’t even know what I’m trying to say here. Of course this time of year brings its own set of challenges and January 21 st is Kira’s birthday and I am starting to feel it already. Do you ever think what it might feel like to have the sweet, sweet relief of not carrying this horrific heartache anymore. I do.
  7. Loss of an Adult Child

    Sherry. Thinking of you today as you have come to Lisa's angel date again. Many years have passed but im sure u remember like yesterday. I hope she touches your check or brushes your shoulder and lets u know she is still waiti g with her brother to see u again. I know your family isnt always there to remember but i hope u know im standing right there beside you on this day. Take care dear friend.
  8. Loss of an Adult Child

  9. Loss of an Adult Child

    Lesley. Thank you for your kind words. I so needed some encouragement right now.
  10. Loss of an Adult Child

    Tina I know dear, I know she is gone. Dee is right about the different layers of grief. Maybe that is some of the shock starting to wear off and the cold hard reality starts to set in. I still at six years in say that same thing "she is gone" and it is still sad but doesn't pack quite the punch it did in the beginning. You learn to weave the sadness and sorrow into a new life that you never ever wanted but none the less are faced with. I'm glad to see u coming on here and reaching out. I wish it didn't take me so long to find this site. Like dee says we are all holding your hands. If u ever want to talk on the phone or email I will be here for you. Jean. Glad to see you found your way on to the adult loss of child website. You see I told you there were wonderful caring people here . And unlike friends and family they won't fade away on you. Keep coming here and let us help you. Susan happy belated birthday. Lovely picture. Thanks for sharing. Wishing luck to your young man it looks like he has a wonderful future ahead oh him. Hi Kate, Sherry and Laurie. A small dusting of snow here. But I'm sure there is much more to come ugh. Tire places are booked up everywhere. People wait til the first snow and then panic at getting their snow tires on. Got mine on last week. Well just about to watch the jets. U must be pleased Kate they r doing well so far. Take care everyone.
  11. Loss of an Adult Child

    Somersky. Please do not feel guilty or responsible in any way for what happened to Skylar. You actually remind d me that the coroner did tell me that they had taken some tissue from Kira too. I can't remember why I was still in shock and don't remember what he said. . But hers was undetermined too except for the drowning which occurred after and that is all that showed up on autopsy. Both my boys had ecgs done I don't think they did blood but the ecgs were normal. So even with no genetics my daughter still died of supposed arrthymia. I don't talk about it much but my one son was diagnosed with a serious life long illness to which there is only treatment but no cure. This was a few years befor Kira died. Even though it is usually a hereditary disease there was no family history on either side and there was nothing my son did to bring it on. It was just pure luck of the draw or unluck I guess. We were devastated and thought that would be the worst thing we would ever face, although we had no idea of what was waiting. But my point is one child with a serious illness and one who died of things that usually have a hereditary component but in our cases there was none. I have gone over in my head a million times what things I could have done that would have caused these things somewhere along the line. But I just don't know. My thoughts and prayers r with u but please don't feel responsible. What ever causes these things is out of our control. U go after that dr as hard as u can. I should have reported my dr a few years ago for something he did to me. But u r right they have all the control and my dr. Is one mean nasty sob and I would be too afraid to stand up to him. He would crush me. But I hope u get some justice. Please keep us up to date. Hope your daughter is enjoying university. It is a good school and a nice city. Hugs Luanne
  12. Loss of Adult Son

    Jean. I am so sorry for the loss of your precious son. I lost my 17 yr old daughter very suddenly as well six years ago. It is a long painful road that we bereaved parents walk. Tommys mom is right you will always miss him but you eventually weave your loss into this new life u never wanted. This site is full of parents who have lost thier children too and we all rally around each other and hold hands as we embark on this sad sad path. Please join us on loss of an adult child. Thst is where we all are. And we r here to stand by you. Please join us there and let us help. Take care. Click on loss of an adult child, and then two arrows will take u to the last post.
  13. Loss of an Adult Child

    Dianne we are just like u guys. No Xmas decorations, no one comes over or drops in. Have got rid of buckets full of decor that just hold too many memories. If I ask my boys if they want a tree or anything, they just say "I don't care". Glad u were able to go to the party and see michaels friends. I never, ever want to see Kira's friends and don't read the local paper for fear of any announcements. How far is Wyoming from you. Georgina. Glad your feeling a bit better. Can anyone give you a hand with chores? I wish I lived close enough to come over and help. Birthdays r hard. I start to feel the pressure when I get into that month. I totally agree I don't know what gods plan is for me. I am broken for ever too. I don't know who I am anymore. Guess we just have to patient and see what our role is. Susan. So glad you were not near the shootings. Texas has had a lot of bad things happen this year. Congrats on the baseball win but I am glad it is over cause they were cutting off some of my hockey games on tv. Lol that veto is adorable. This probably sounds like a stupid question but I noticed on tv coverage there were like maple or oak trees. I thought Texas was all palm trees and cactus? Isn't it hot there all the time. Excuse my ignorance. I love the pictures you send. Kate. Wow that was a close call. Guess your number wasn't up yet. So far we have had nice sunny fall weather with just a little bit of rain. They r calling for snow later this week so got my snow tires on today. Everybody goes nuts when the first snow fall and there is a huge wait to get the snows on. Just heard a b. C. Police officer was killed today in Abbotsford . So sad. R u and Ross watching the Canada Russia series starting tonight. It should be good. The jets r doing very well so far. Hope your son is getting better weather in Calgary. Sounds like it has been nasty. Lesley. Thanks for sharing the picture of your beautiful Tommy. Such a nice looking lad and a warm smile. I still can't believe the randomness of what happened to him. Truly unbelievable. I think u are right we have to be role models for grief. But oh that is so difficult to pull yourself up. We have been damaged beyond repair is what it feels like to me. But we do have to try for our loved ones. You r right it is time, effort and plain hard work to get thru. As I'm writing this on my iPad I have your tommys picture up on my phone. So here he is in my family room here in southern Ontario. I love the pictures of everyone's angels. Becky love your parrot Guess you gotta watch your language now eh? Prayers for your eye sight. Laurie I hope things go your way and you get your grandson. You have all my prayers. Would this be permanent total custody or r his parents still in the picture. I keep thinking about your sisters experience in the store. Gives me hope. Thanks and will be praying for you. Devianz so glad to hear your doing better both physically and emotionally. You said it's like meeting a new person and really u r new people. We will never be the people we used to be. Glad your son was able to enjoy Halloween this year. Your pottery is beautiful. You are very talented. Do u sell it? I hope you continue the way you have. so glad to see someone taking a few steps into the light. That represents a lot of hard work on your part. Good for you. Dee. Hope everyone is feeling better soon. Do you have flu shots there? They really push getting them up here but I don't usually bother. Sherry. Do you have snow yet? I think your weather is similar to ours. How are things going? Do you decorate for Xmas? Oh I guess u guys have thanksgiving in November. Isn't that when u guys have Black Friday Xmas sales? Take care Tina how are things going lately. You have so much on your plate. I hope u r just getting thru one day at a time. I worry so much about you watching that cd. That must be so hard on you. How is your son? Do u work and home school. That must be so much to do. Is South Dakota a hot state all year or do u get snow in the winters. I will look at a map as I don't know what part of the states u are in. Give us an update of how u r doing. Colleen you get winter right. I go by the young and the restless seasons so you must be the same as ontario. Have you been able to decorate since Brian's passing. I will always feel that connection as Kira and Brian share the same angel date? R u still working?
  14. Loss of an Adult Child

    Tinay. Anger certainly is one of the emotions that all of us go thru from time to time. It is all so unfair. Why was it our kids? Why us? Im afraid we will likely never know the answers. And if i did know i still wouldn't accept what it was. I truly believe we will get to hold our kids again someday. When i lament i havent seen my daughter in six years, my chaplain tells me that our angels dont have time measured as we do anymore. Thier time is eternity time and they will always be waiting for us. I think u r grieving as you should as painful as that maybe. U r still within the first year and that is difficult. U r not alone. We have all been where u are. I hope it helps u to know you have many arms around you here. Email me anytime if there is anything i can help u with. Hang in there tinay.
  15. Loss of an Adult Child