Lou ann

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About Lou ann

  • Rank
    Mother of an angel Kira Michelle
  • Birthday 03/03/1961

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    Ontario
  • Interests
    My kids
  • Loss Type
    Daughter drowning, sudden cardiac arrthymis
  • Angel Date
    June 19, 2011

Converted

  • Occupation
    Retired
  • Interests
    My kids
  • Last Name
    Taylor
  • First Name
    Luanne
  • Zip
    N4T 1M7
  • Country
    Canada
  • About Me
    Forever with a broken heart

Recent Profile Visitors

331 profile views
  1. And Devianz sending prayers and best wishes to your mom. Holding her and you close to my heart. Lesley. I bought a lotto max and lotto 649 tickets today. They are the two big lotteries here in Canada. If i win the first thing i will do is buy you a plane ticket to Hawaii.
  2. Somersky. How are you doing. My email address is ltaylor50@rogers.com. i have Canada wide calling if you want to talk. I have a sister in Nanaimo. I can call you when ever you want. Just let me know. I hope i didnt upset you by my post. I just want to help you if i can. Hugs luanne. Miley cant tell you just how very sorry i am for your loss. It is so new and raw and no doubt you are going through a whole range of emotions. You keep coming here as you have found a life line to hold on to. I wish it didnt take me 6 years to find it. These moms here are an absolute treasure to other grieving parents. Let us know all about your wonderful daughter. I know you can absolutey not believe right now that you will ever get thru this or feel better again, but you will. If you want to email back and forth or want to talk on the phone, let me know if i can help you that way . You have made a very courageous step to reach out here for help. Wecwill all be here for you. Have a nice weekend everyone.
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  4. No biggie to most i know, but my husband and i went away today. Not to get groceries or to get more garden mulch ) but just for a drive along lake huron which is only a couple of hours away. It took a lot of convincing to get my husband to go but summer is almost over and as has been for six years we had gone no where. As we stood at the lake all i could think of was how Kira had been looking forward to driving to the beach that summer with her friends but was worried with only two vehicles her brothers would always have them. She had just got her license and had only driven by herself once before she died. I didnt share that story with my husband because god knows the man has enough of his own memories to live with. We just puttered around driving thru some of the little towns and came home. By the end of the day the young crowd was coming in for the weekend which just reminded me more of what Kira should be here enjoying. It was bitter sweet. I fought back the tears a few times and still am tonight. But i had to at least try to bring a bit of the sunshine back in (i think it was kate who said that). If not for me for my husband. A once strong proud man who worked so hard and did everthing to put a smile on those kids faces. A man who is just a shell now, who has layed on the couch for six years, who wont show himself in public, speak to anyone and who cant even cut the grass anymore. Who cannot bear to here her name mentioned and gasped a most horrible sound when he accidentally came across a picture of her awhile back. A man whose grief has eaten the soul right out of him. But we made a tiny step today. Maybe we will keep taking those baby steps or maybe we will just slink back into that dark hole weve been in for six years, hiding away from the world while our boys watch there parents wither away to nothing. We shall see i guess. But still i am encouraged by all of you and i thank you for listening and caring. The sky kept going light blue and bright on the bottom and then dark and cloudy at the top. It was wierd. Like the sun wanted to shine but wasnt sure if it could. Just like us i guess
  5. I hope i didnt say to much to upset you. If i did i am sorry. I want to help you. I know you are 3 hours behind ontario so it is 5 a.m. there. I will call you or email or anything if you want me to.
  6. Kristen. I hope i didnt upset you with my post. That has been rolling around in my head for 6 years. I hear the thud, i get right up stairs, my son gets the door open , i pull her out, we do cpr and then the fire dept is there with the paddles and she is saved. So easy..but thats not how it happened. Would that have been the turn out if i acted when i heard the thud? Certainly i could have saved her from drowning. Could i have saved her from the arrthymia, seizure, brain damage...thats what i dont know. If it was an aneurysm there would have been no chance. They found nothing but a healthy girl. She always came downstairs and had her breakfast first before her shower but not that day...why? Her dad always sat in the living room on sunday mornings watching tv. That was the closest room to hear up the stairs. But that day he was weeding the flower bed, something he never did...why? How does the tub fill up when you are having a shower, was drain stop down when i found her or was it that slow moving drain that just filled up over the time...i didnt look when i pulled her out at the drain. Would a bottle of drain cleaner on my part have saved her from drowning? Her one brother was in bed but on his laptop. Two doors from the bathroom. I was just so layed back doing my laundry and washing my floor. They were all upstairs, safe and sound. The roof wasnt going to cave in on them, nobody was going to bust open the front door and go get them cause i would have stopped them. They was nothing i could have thought of in a million years that could have harmed any of them that morning. Nothing at all. But yet i lost her. I have talked to this internist several times as at the time i worked at the hospital and he was ever so kind to read her autopsy and would talk to me as much as i wanted. Of course he said he would not have done anything different then me. I still dont know whether she was gone before she hit the water, would i have brought her back in time before brain damage, and on and on. Even the drs dont know 100 percent what happened in that bathroom. I feel all those things you described that day. What if i had of, why didnt i. I have been on this journey longer than you. Dont let yourself be tortured with this 5 more years down the road. I am very slowly, ever so painfully, and with the support of these wonderful people here starting to let go of the tight grip this has had on me. We would have moved heaven and earth to breath life back into our kids that day. But for what ever reason that was not meant to be. There are two things i want you to know about what happened to our kids. This internist while he could not give 100 percent answers, he absolutely 100 percent guaranteed me this...with an arrthymia you may feel a little woozy then it would be lights out. Absolutely no pain or suffering. He told me one minute she was showering and the next she would be saying hey here i am in heaven . He said thats how he hopes he dies is a cardiac arrthymia in his sleep one day as it is the most peaceful death anyone can die of. You and i have that small comfort that some of the other parents dont have. I deeply hold on to this. The other thing is i have had 3 other parents who have read my story but dont post on here who have sent me a personal email. Thier children all died the same way as ours. One girl was found in her bed with blankets up to her neck with no signs of a struggle and her father was told by medical personel that there was probably nothing they could have done even if they were there. Another collapsed right in front of her parents and they could not bring her back. And yet another collapsed i think was while they were walking to their car. They all reached out to me in hopes they save me from this guilt trip that has eaten thru me in six years. Now i dont let myself totally off the hook, there will always be a little part of me saying why didnt you. But i think the time has come to let that part shrink a little. I know im yapping far to long here, i do that once in awhile, but i just feel strongly about these issues. I just dont want you to hold on to this as long and as deeply as i have. Keep comi g here where we can all hold each other up. This site is truly a life line.
  7. Lesley your pictures are beautiful. They r what i think of when i think of england. I still get upset because Kira was to go on a trip to europe for vimy and because she was waiting for knee surgery the teacher wouldn't let her go even though her drs said she was fine. She was so upset and i tried to fight the school but they wouldnt let her go. That jerk of a teacher showed up at her funeral but wouldnt look at me. Just something else i have to let go of. I do watch coronation street sometimes. We would love to travel there one day but i just couldnt cause kira never got a chance to and it just wouldnt be right. Can you tell me what to right means? Enjoy your visit with your son and daughter. Tommy must be proud of all your efforts to put those safety measures in place. Take care
  8. Gretchen. Thank you so much for your kind and caring words. What happened to your friends son is almost identical to what happened to Kira. And i realize even the most attentive parent would not have anticipated a young healthy child dying in that way. Doesnt mean i will ever totally let myself off the hook though. The accident your Forest was in must have surely taken him swiftly and without him even realizing what had happened. Our minds like to torture us into thinking differently but we shouldnt let them. It seems grief likes to make us think that we were the moms our child is gone so therefore it was something we should have prevented somehow. Tell your friend i have walked in the exact shoes as him and my heart goes out to him for what i know he lives with. I see Forest died just a few weeks after my Kira. I hope she was there to comfort him. Tinay. Glad to hear from you. I know you are within that very difficult first year. We are all here for you when you need us. Has there been any more news on the legal front? I hope you are able to get a break from your work load. Any summer vacation?. Hang in there. Kate. Has Ross had his surgery yet ? Such a brave man having had to deal with so much. I hear you about summer fading. I wanted to get a few new bushes and mulch but most garden centres here have already closed and back to school stuff out at Wal-Mart. I think we might make a trip to grand bend on Friday as we have been so busy with house stuff all summer, havent really gone anywhere. There is nothing more depressing than knowing another long , cold , dreary Canadian winter is coming your way. Although i guess we should both be used to it. Lol. Best wishes for Rosses surgery and tell him to mark October 4th on the calendar. The start of the nhl season. I know im looking forward to it. Lovely poem by the way. Susan. Lovely pictures of John Davids angel date. He must have touched a lot of lives. Thanks for sharing. If i win the lottery someday i would love to visit all these beautiful locations. To all of you, Kate, Lesley, Dee, Gretchen, Susan, Dianne, anyone else i failed to mention by name, i cant thank you all enough for your kind and loving responses to my recent posts. I just started and couldnt stop it from coming out. I live in a city but you only have to walk a few minutes ti be out in the country on the out skirts if town. I had a nice walk last night and shared all my thoughts of that day and my plan to slowly and im sure painfully to forge ahead with Kira. Im sure she already knew what i have harboured in my heart and mind all these years. I told her i would only move on if she was with me. For if i had to leave her behind then there was no way i would do it. I think she understood why i have to finally let that day go and try to bring some life back to this broken family again. And right on cue a dragon fly came out of nowhere and would duck and dart around my head, sometimes disappearing for a few minutes then returning. I even had a grasshopper hop into my hand at one point. It is only thru all your support and caring that i have been able to finally, finally been able to take a baby step. Well i need to stop yapping and get myself in gear, dishes, power washing my deck. A peaceful and warm summer today to everyone no matter what today holds. .
  9. Lesley. Thinking of you today on your precious Tommys angel date. His resting spot sounds like a beautiful location overlooking the sea. My serious suicide thoughts were also an overdose at the cemetary. Im so glad your sister found you. I hope your dragon fly, butterfly or other special Tommy sign finds you and sits peacefully on your shoulder today. I always tell myself that angel and birth dates are just another day on the calendar. They were not here the day before or after . But still those dates have a way of bringing us to our knees. You will feel a little better tomorrow as the pressure of today eases. It is a long way for hugs to come across the ocean from Canada to England but they are coming your way my friend, lots of them. Devianez. Im thinking of you today as Nathan's second birthday without him is upon you. I hope you feel him in your heart and by your side today. You have got thru that very difficult year of firsts and all of us are with you arm in arm as you carry on this unimagineable journey. How is your recovery going? You have had so much to deal with these past weeks. Take a breath tomorrow and know how brave you are to have got thru what you have. Hugs to you my friend
  10. Oh i am so taken back by all of your kind words and for taking the time to read my blathering. I dont think even i realized how much has been rolling around in my mind until i started to type it out. But i do feel unburdened that i could tell somebody. And im glad i have friends like you to talk to. Dianne your right that the hardest thing to accept is that what has happened cannot be changed. I kept thinking come on god, just replay that minute when i heard the thud, i know what to do now and i can save her. But of course he never gave me that chance. I like your idea of a talk with Kira and will make that one of my to do things. Susan, yes beating a dead horse is so accurate. Over and over and over again do i go thru everything. But the outcome never changes. And yes when i dare try to climb out of the hole, grief is right there to remind me of all the reasons why ill never see daylight again. Kate, this might sound strange but i actually eny you that you did cpr on jeff. You know yoy did everything humanly possible to save your boy . I dont have that, because i was too late. I had never been near to anyone when they died, but i knew from years of typing autopsies, that she was gone when i pulled her out. And just like you i dont know why my husband started cpr but i guess he had to try. Of course when the police got there we were treated immediatly as suspects and were not allowed upstairs anymore. I think you r right when you say it was thier time. In the movies the person starts coughing up water and is always ok. That was how this was supposed to end. But the paranoid over protective mom who had thought of every scenario that could bring harm to her children and how to save them from it had never in a million years thought a perfectly healthy child would collapse and die in the shower. Nothing in Kiras case has every been proved one way or another 100 percent. Even the cause of her collapse could never be proven 100 percent. They found nothing but a perfectly healthy girl. I just cant hold on to this anymore. If i am to blame then i will rot in hell for my inactions but for right now at least i have to let go of this. It has eaten at me for six years. With all of your help and support i feel i maybe able to put some distance between me and the past at least for what happened that day. Your support means so much. Thanks again luanne
  11. Thank you all so much. And no i certainly am not offended by anything anyone has posted. In fact i am very touched to have such dear friends. You have given me so much to ponder. i can live without my job of 29 years, my fancy house and pool, the nice furniture. I would live in a box under a bridge if i could just have my Kira back. This is what my grief reminds me of all the time. I heard a thud and then a sound of someone sliding down a wall. It was clearly not the cat or a shampo bottle but i brushed it off. Me, the most over protective mom in the world. Me, Who would stand on my porch and watch her walk a few doors down to her friends house when she was 17 in a town of 400 where there had been no crime ever and i always left my door unlocked. Me, who after seeing she had not come home on the bus raced to the school only to find she was refeeing a sport event which i probably knew was the case but my heart was leaping out of my chest just the same. Me, who told my kids i had to know where they were at all times and was in tears when they were out driving in winter conditions. Me who sat home every friday and saturday night so i would be there in case they needed me. Me, who would peek into thier rooms in the middle of the night to make sure there were 3 little heads peacefully sleeping. Probably the only sound i never panicked and responded to that came from where i knew my children were. And how many loads of laundry did i take up stairs that morning knowing that shower had been running too long, thinking she had come out and one of her brothers was in there but not checking that out til it was too late. And why was that tub filled to the top when we got in there when she was showering. I knew that drain was going down slow so why the hell didnt i have drain cleaner down there. When we built the house im the one who wanted the two story. If it were a bungalow i would have been right close to that bathroom door. So the cold hard facts, the official cause of death was accidental drowning. Arrthymias and seizures are electrical events that do not show up. It was an internist who believed it must be a cardiac arrthymia in the absence of any other findings. So had i responded to that thud or had my drain clean then yes i could have saved her from drowning. Could i have saved her from have the arrhythmia if that in fact was what she had. Well you have 10 min.to Revive someone which we could have done and then the fire dept was thier with the paddles. Because of her being in the water you only have 5 minutes before you have brain damage. But still there was a chance how ever slight. And i was the only one who heard her. Her only chance. I didnt just forget to wash her favourite shirt or pick her up after school, i chose to ignore that thud which was her way of yelling help me mom. This is what i have lived with for six years. Ive told no one all of this until right now. There are so many reasons this is my fault. So it doesnt matter how much i tried to protect her, when she really needed me i let her and everybody who loved her down. Well i have yapped far too long here and the tears are starting to flow but i just wanted somebody to know what has been in my head for six years. Thanks for listening. Luanne
  12. Thanks Lesley and Kate. You are both so wise and kind. Sometimes i feel like i am breaking out of this death grip, but if i think ill go buy myself some new clothes, i immediatly think but Kira cant do that anymore, why should i, i hold and hug Kiras kitty and then think she cant enjoy her cat anymore, why should i. If i order a pizza or buy any of her favourite foods, why should i enjoy them, she cant. Its just so unfair a beautiful 17 year old girl who i was raising to know she could be and do anything. Who i told everyday how much i loved her and was proud of her. To know that she was every bit as important and cherished as her brothers. All the things i so desperatly yearned for but never got in my childhood. And yet she is gone but her 56 year old mother who so desperatly wants to trade places with her is here. Just so hard to accept still. My husband and i have aged so terribly in the six years. We look and feel much older than 56 or 58. We lost our daughter and as a result our jobs, we gave up our dream home we had built. Where some day our kids would come home with thier kids and we would all sit around watching hours of videos of thier childhood or look at the hundreds of pictures with fond recollection. Everything we had worked so hard for. The life we we were giving our kids that we never had. All of it, wiped out on a fathers day, on a brigjt sunny june sunday morning, while i so preoccupied with washing my kitchen floor and doing laundry to pay attention to that thump that changed so many lives for ever. But still we rally ourselves for the boys after which we can slink back to the couch and lazy boy closing ourselves off from the rest of the world. I am encouraged by both of you though that it is possible to put some of the pieces together again. But i find it is like starting your whole life over again from scratch. Absolutely nothing but the love for our children is the same. But i guess thats the one thing this tragedy could not take away is the love.
  13. Colleen . You described exactly the way my husband and i both grieve differently. But we have never been able to meet in the middle. We exist and somehow manage to get thru each day, but i dont think we will ever really live again. Lesley. What a beautiful soul your tommy was. He left you with so much to hold dear in your heart. He knew his mama would always love him no matter what. Im sure he is so proud of how she has helped so many in thier time of need. Kate i am so sorry you have not had much support in your grief or in your life in general. I can relate to you in both areas. U r so right that our lives and priorities have changed. Every now and again i think i may finally be stepping into the world of the living again but it is so hard to break out of that tight grip that grief holds on you. In a wierd way, grief just feels like my friend sometimes as it has been hanging around me for so long. I too feel that my child is at peace. We need that to hang onto. Our hearts need to feel that. Is your air clean there now? My sister on the island says it is so hot and smokey there they dont even go outside much. No rain since June. We have had a lot of rain here this summer. Have looked up places to stay on lake Winnipeg, hope to get there maybe next summer. And oh, by the way , you are absolutely not a cold person. You are a warm and caring person . I am sure Jeff is so proud of his mama. Hugs Dee. U r right. And i would not trade those wonderful 17 years i got. Unfortunately memories of Kira dont bring me happiness or joy, but rather sadness and the feeling of that knife in my heart. Maybe someday that will change. Your Erica certainly left her mark on this world. Sometimes i think if i had it to live again i would live as a hermit somewhere never loving anyone so i would never get hurt. But probably wouldnt. Take care and have a good weekend. Well her i am another midnigjt rolled around and still wide away. This getting off sleeping pills is rough but im determined to do it. Have a good weekend everyone.
  14. I just keep rewriting and it is 1am. I have lost the ability to have a normal nights sleep hence i just get an hour or so here and there. Grief just seems to be tightening its grip lately. It has taken away my spark for life, my hopes and dreams for my children, my ability to enjoy a beautiful summer day. It has left me filled with guilt, sadness, depression and a yearning deep in my heart for things that will never be. When does it ever stop taking? Im sorry i havent been responding to entries. I always like to help if i can. I think someone mentioned about finding the sunshine again. Thinking of you all and how we are all walking side by side in this awful journey that none of us want to be on. Hugs.