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Lou ann

Members
  • Content count

    233
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About Lou ann

  • Rank
    Luanne
  • Birthday 03/03/1961

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    Ontario
  • Interests
    My kids
  • Loss Type
    Daughter drowning, sudden cardiac arrthymia
  • Angel Date
    June 19, 2011

Converted

  • Occupation
    Retired
  • Interests
    My kids
  • Last Name
    Taylor
  • First Name
    Luanne
  • Zip
    N4T 1M7
  • Country
    Canada
  • About Me
    Forever with a broken heart

Recent Profile Visitors

447 profile views
  1. Loss of an Adult Child

    Laurie. Please know I'm sending prayers and good wishes your way today. Jessie Davids 5 year angel date will bring back many memories but I hope u can hold onto more of the good than the bad ones. I hope Jessie David leaves you a few gentle signs to show his mama he is ok where he is. Angel dates can be very draining on the body and soul. One breath at a time today my friend, one breath at a time. Take care.
  2. Loss of an Adult Child

    Dee. Sounds like u really enjoy your grandchildren. How many do you have? Did you or any of u grandmoms.....how did u find having grandchildren effect your grief. Devianz. Glad your physical health is better. Sorry about the emotional stuff. I think losing a child effects every relationship you have. My husband and i grieve differently. We go for a drive or run a few errands every week but we dont talk alot and very rarely talk about what happened. Its just too gut wrenching to go there. My husband accidently came across a picture of kira and he dropped the camera and made a horrible gasping sound. He just cant handle it. And he doesnt believe in signs or heaven and gets really upset if i talk about it. So it has really changed us both. I hope everything works out for you. Grief finds a way of seeping into every part of our lives.
  3. Loss of an Adult Child

    Hey Tina, how r things going? So you decided not to move right? What grade is your son in? Devianz, Julian's mom, Rainey, Gretchen, Amy Anne , Wendy, somersky and anyone else who hasn't been on in awhile how r u guys doing. I hope u r still reading and will come back on so we know You are ok.. Take care.
  4. Loss of an Adult Child

    Leah. U are so right, I feel it too that the world keeps getting tougher on us . I think about my Kira almost all the time. I just want to hug her. Glad u caught your infection early. I am glad u got to talk to sena. I hope the grandchildren get to come be with you. How is your daughter doing? Getting the help she needs I hope. Georgina, hope u r getting your much needed rest. R u feeling a little better and stronger each day? I hope so. I love that picture of the stairway to heaven. I hope it looks just like that. Lesley. " and never never be afraid to die, for I am waiting for you in the sky". I love this. Thanks for sharing I wish I could find some shine for myself, but my light went out on June 19, 2011 never to come on again. Sandy. Am sorry you have suffered yet another loss. But he would have had so many there to greet him. I pray for strength for you in the days ahead as your heart will be heavy. Kate hope u are enjoying your weekend. Little rain last night but has been nice. There were six games on last night. I was going crazy flicking all over the place. Wish I had six tvs. How horrible of those women to say that about you. Every time I think I've heard the nastiest hurtful thing someone can say to a bereaved parent , sure enough there's one that can top it. I'm glad we all seem to be able to leave those people behind and give them no importance in our lives. Laurie I feel a lot like you. I have very few people in my circle anymore. But I just don't care. It took me six years to figure out who was going to be there and who just wanted to hurt me more. It's been a long hard lesson. But it is about finding that path that feels right.
  5. Loss of an Adult Child

    Laurie. That is so true that grief turns out to be a place none of us know until we reach it. I kept thinking why aren't I crying, screaming, pounding the walls, going nuts. I just stood there totally void of any kind of feeling. I never shed one tear the whole time. If someone had of kicked me in the head I would not have cried. I had a great deal of guilt living with that. When I asked the psychiatrist why I didn't react and he said tv glorifies death and how people react. Some people react badly, some don't react at all. I so wanted to cry but I could not, not even one tear. What must Kira have thought if she could see me.? Sherry. I think that time line is what my family did. I think they picked out a date past which they would not allow us to grieve anymore. I never asked anyone to hold my hand or go to the cemetery with me I just wanted someone to talk to once in awhile like on Kira s birthday when I got no response. I wanted someone to help me when I was sick last winter, when my husband and I were holding on by a thread. We got no help at all. As far as family and friends were concerned it was water under the bridge, old news. I know what you feel like your kids have just faded away for. Everyone. I feel that way too. But we will always keep our kids shining bright inside us. And that's all that matters. Dianne. Really? He thought you should be over it at 3 weeks. What kind of an ignoramus was he. Even the non bereaved you would think would have a little more compassion than that. None of my work place friends of 29 years are there for me. Today you can just go on line and send a post to the funeral home. But there were a lot of people who I had known from growing up with , working with, I have lived here for 50 years. Yet some never gave any acknowledgement at all. How can people be so cold and uncaring. This was a child. But you know the ones who did me the biggest favour were the ones that were never there from day one. Cause I knew if they weren't there from the beginning they never would be so they only let me down once. It was those who said they would call, would always be there, but who one by one dropped out of site cause those ones hurt me every single time they gave me the brush off until I finally realized they didn't care and probably never had. Please remember you don't just have your husband, daughter and cousin, you have me and all of us on this site. We are a family now. Lesley. Thanks for the quotes. All so true. Very touching, holding the lamp for one another. Dee. Prayers for a speedy recovery for your grandson. Kids mend quickly. It must be hard for a wee one to not be able to run around. And yes Blackhawks are off to a good start. Laurie and Kate. Wow I So hear you about the rudeness and ignorance of others. When I went back to work, some girl said to me "well I don't let my kids shower with the door locked" which of course had nothing to do with Kira's death. Some man in the parking lot of a grocery store said to me " well she just isn't here, no big deal". Really. Some woman said "well my husband just could never lose our daughter". As if we had a choice or something. But I totally agree with you guys these people are not worth thinking about, we are the bravest people . And yes their opinion is of no relevance. Georgina. Sending prayers and good wishes your way. Please rest and at least they seem to have gotten to the bottom of things. Take it easy as you recover. thank you all for the thanksgiving wishes. Holidays don't really mean much anymore. Take care.
  6. Loss of an Adult Child

    Kate. Did you see where the Edmonton police officer who was run over and stabbed by a terrorists came out and was honoured by the crowd. Very touching.
  7. Loss of an Adult Child

    Kate. Felt sorry for Mason think it was his first game. Anybody can have a bad night. I heard on global tonight how hockey spectators have more heart problems then others. Ha ha I already know how I'll be going out....screaming at the refs in front of my tv. Nice picture of the cup. Dianne. Hawks and Pittsburg on at 830 EST tonight. Susan I lost my job in 2014 and my husband a year later. We moved in feb 2012 from our small village to a town of 40000 about 15 min away. Where the kids went to high school and played sports. I just didn't think I could stay there where she died. Sometimes I have 2nd thoughts but I am where I am. Evan was 23 and Aaron was 20 when Kira passed. I was 50 and my husband 52. The lady who was boss when Kira died was very nice and knew I suffered sometimes and she would have never fired me. But she retired and they hired a young very cold girl who ran the office like boot camp. Somebody tried to tell her I had lost a child but she didn't care. So after 29 years of being a medical record clerk I got called from my desk to human resources and told to hand over my badge and key. Not one person in the room thanked me for my 29 years of service, I got no retirement gift or cake and coffee hour. The only thing they offered me was a taxi ride home as I was upset and if I got into an accident they didn't want to be responsible. My boss left the room with not one word to me. Not good luck, thank you or nothing. I wasn't allowed to return to my desk to pick up my belongings. So a great number of people think I was just a big screw up and the few who knew I was suffering badly said they would call me to see how I was doing.....never happened. The only two who stood by me just want to talk about their daughters, their daughters babies and how busy they are at work. All things I would never have again and after awhile I just couldn't take it anymore. So you see we lost our child, our house we had built ,our jobs and all friends and family went right back to the day before Kira died and just kept going on with their lives... they left us with no support at all. I won't go anywhere in my town cause I don't want to run into anybody I know. Cause I'm just the lady who lost her kid, her house , her job and all her friends and family. I'm just a big loser to all of them but they have never walked in my shoes. I so so hope I can move from this town someday. Sometimes I think if I am real quiet and still that god won't notice me and pass me over next time he's handing out the crap. Hey Susan you should be following the Dallas stars. R u near Dallas? Kate and Dianne and I will make a hockey fan out of you.
  8. Loss of an Adult Child

    Hey hockey fans. Double header all Canadian teams on starting now. Kate , I'm sure your watching the jets. The season officially starts today.
  9. Loss of an Adult Child

    Take care Becky. One day at a time. I wish I lived near and I would take you outside for a walk. We have both been without our precious babies for six years. Sometimes it just seems like yesterday. Susan. No I don't mind sharing. Kira died in June 2011. I went back to work that oct. I honestly don't remember much about those 4 months other than I was still in shock. I let my sisters pack up her room, which I regret now. I was only asking to have those couple seconds back when I heard her fall cause then I could have saved her. For a time I thought god would give me that time back. I remember getting really happy one day cause I thought if I could do something that pleased god so much he would make an exception and bring her back. I know that's crazy, but yes I hung onto that for awhile. I do remember breaking down once when I was about to get in the shower. But mostly it was just like a haze and I know I was not accepting it. When I returned to work I did not do well, lots of flash backs, anger that everyone had gone right on with lives. It didn't affect them at all. My sister, who was still supporting me at the time and a nurse, went to head of psych. Services to get me some help. They gave me a psychiatrist and grief counsellor in another city as working at the hospital I would have not had any privacy. My husband got referred there too as he was not handling things well either. I saw this psychiatrist from oct 2011 til dec 2016. He did help me but he put me on several (10) at one point medications. So for 5 years I was totally doped up. The handful of pills I took every night at 8 o'clock zonked me right out for the night. That was my favourite time of day. I was not feeling to much of anything. Eventually I was slurring words, forgetting things, sleeping all the time, and definitely not dealing with my grief. I made the decision to come off all those pills mostly cold turkey and was physically and emotionally sick for about 3 or 4 months. Last Jan 21 , Kira s birthday, I went to the cemetery (off the pills now), and a had a brief but very intense breakdown. Something I should have had from day one. So now off the pills my 5 1/2 years of grief came raining down on me hard. I went to a nurse practioner in my gps office and got back on two antidepressants as I knew I could not survive this depression on my own. My husband was on pills too but went off his too. I am currently waiting for a referral to another psychiatrist. My grief counsellor/chaplain I am still going to. I tell her she is my saviour here on earth. Sorry you probably didn't want this much information. Honestly don't know where I would be if I hadn't have found you guys.
  10. Loss of an Adult Child

    Hi Kate. I'm not sure yet if the boys will be home .i hope so. As far as our families go my husband and I have been totally abandoned by them in respect to our loss. If we express we need some help or are going thru a bad patch we are given the brush off. I even reached out on Kira's birthday and I was so needing someone and got no answer. They just act like she didn't exist, like she didn't matter. It is so heart breaking for us. When I told my sister yesterday that we still have problems with holidays and didn't know if we were coming.... her answer was.... ok. I think they picked a date past which they would not allow us to grieve anymore. Nobody will ask how we are doing or if we need anything. There is no acknowledgment of my precious girl at all. I have not decorated for any holidays since Kira died and probably never wil. We rally the best we can for the boys though. This is why I am so grateful for this site. When almost every single family and friend left us in the dust I stumbled on here and am so grateful for all of you. Hope u are seeing your son and grand daughter. Nice weather here but I see Alberta has snow already. Yuk.
  11. Loss of an Adult Child

    Becky. I know you haven't been on here In awhile but I hope u are at least reading today. I know today is Jareds angel date and I just want you to know I'm sending prayers and love your way. Kira's angel date is 2011 too so we are on the same year. I hope your precious boy finds a way to let you know he is ok and watching over his mama. How has your eyesight been.? Were you able to get out on your own at all? I hope your lovely picture of Jared on the road makes people think to slow down. You have fought long and hard for justice for your boy. If you can please post and let us know how u are doing. Much strength to you today my friend.
  12. Loss of an Adult Child

    Dance under the moon Maybe it is just me, but I get stronger with sadness. I get fearless with more fear. I refuse to give up the more obstacles I have. The more times I am ignored. The more times I will stand up. The more times I will die, the more lives I will live. I danced under the moon last night. And I felt timeless, lioness like. Invisible. Unafraid. Unhuman. But connected to the universe more than ever before. Connected to the people who are gone before me. In that moment there was no time, just the moon and me dancing under it. Everything sad....disappeared. Everyone who I lost....was found. And I became stronger with sadness. Fearless with more fear. I understand I am different. But I wasn't always different. I was the same as everyone else. I did the same things everyday. I had a normal life. I was accepted. I am who I am today because all was taken away from me. I was no longer normal. It felt like I lived in the 18th century, when the world was more cruel. When we had less. It felt like I was living in the street, homeless. My heart was homeless for so long. I did not know that my sadness could get me stronger. I didn't know that my fear would get me fearless. And I didn't know the moon was mine to dance to. I didn't know that I was dead and I was about to be reborn. When we are dead inside we don't know we can live again. When we are homeless we don't know we can build our own home. When we are afraid we don't know we can be fearless. When we are sad we don't know we can be happy. And happiness means something different now. It does not mean joy or bliss. It does not mean peace. It means choices, freedom. Freedom to find my moon in the midst of thunderstorms. Freedom to see my strength in the midst of my weakness. Freedom to say hello to my warrior self while in battle for life. While in battle to come back to the living. This is the happiness I talk about. Not the boxed in version we have been given when we were born. Maybe our version of happiness after loss has to do with the moon and dancing under it. Maybe tonight you will find your own moon and dance...dance like no one is watching. Christina Rasmussen. i found this on the internet. This is a lady who lost her husband. But I can relate it to our losses as well. Thanks lesley for your kind words. They really do mean a lot.
  13. Loss of an Adult Child

    Lesley. Yes lovely song. When Kira died I was in so much shock and denial I couldn't think of what I should be saying to her or what I should be doing. The only things that came out of me was firstly I promised her I would be with her soon and I would take care of that when I got home from the church That I would look after Lilly (her cat) and that I would never again listen to any kind of music. So far I have only kept two of those promises. So in six years I have never listened to music, except when I'm in a store and can't avoid it. I even turn off commercials on tv so I don't have to listen to music. But I made an exception today and listened to that song. Leah just put that idea of angels dancing on the moon and Dianne's recollection of dee saying that Erica was sitting on the side of the moon has fascinated me for some reason. Maybe just another treasure of thought I can hang on to. Sometimes us grieving moms are just so grateful to have any tidbit that makes us feel close to our children. So thanks Leah, Lesley, Dianne and Dee for your inspiration. I will be definitely checking out the moon to see our beautiful angels dancing up a storm.
  14. Loss of an Adult Child

    Georgina. My sincere sympathy at your moms passing. What a comfort that must have been for her to have you and your sisters singing to her. And she gave you a sign like you asked her to. You have the peace of knowing your family are together and that there are no tears in heaven.
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