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Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
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    • ModKonnie

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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie

TaraLynn

Members
  • Content count

    4
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About TaraLynn

  • Rank
    Newbie

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    Illinois
  • Loss Type
    Suicide
  • Angel Date
    3/20/2017
  1. Thank you Sherry, I had surgery last week so it wasn't much of a celebratory Easter this year. I cry a lot for my mom. I miss her terribly. Especially when I'm in physical pain, you just want the love of your mom and a mom hug to know you're going to be alright. It hasn't even been a month yet, it feels like an eternity. I hope this finds you doing well and I hope you had a wonderful holiday. xo
  2. You are are a true comfort. I can't tell you how much I look forward to your response. You're so strong and full of wisdom and I am so thankful for you. As sad as it is how we have connected I am comforted to know I am not alone. The amount of heart wrenching stories I have read on this board and the survivors who are here to help the newbies through this is amazing to me. I cry more often than not. Today was my first day back at work and I had to hide in the bathroom a few times to cry it out. Came home and hugged the "mom" doll I made with my moms pillow and her favorite sweatshirt. Some days it's tough to open my eyes, but you're right, I have my father to take care of and a husband to love. I don't know if my mom is able to see or hear me, but I hope she can. I really want her to see the horrific impact her actions have had on my father and I. My poor sweet father who didn't deserve to be abandoned either. My husband is an amazing human being who loved her too and would have done anything to keep her healthy and happy. I'm not sure how she couldn't feel it radiating from us. Now I am scared that everyone I love will die. I don't want to leave my husband, or my father, my closest friends. I'm so codependent and clinging it's maddening. Did that happen to you too? I have therapy tomorrow so I am hoping she can help to walk me through some of this as well. Ack. A swift decision and you and I were thrown into a completely different life. How very unfair. Thanks Sherry. Really.
  3. Thank you Sherry, It scares me that it is going to take so long to stop crying, to find a new normal. How can I take care of my dying father when I find it hard to get out of bed? If it wasn't for my husband I don't think I would have showered or eaten since we found her. An image, as you stated, is burned into our brains. I can not image what you walked into with your mom and I can't be sorry enough you had to endure that. I don't know what makes mothers compelled to leave their children without a second thought. My mother knew I would be incapacitated by her killing herself and did it anyway. When I was at work, so I couldn't look in on her or stop her. If anything, she was a determined, stubborn woman. I should have know her time here would be cut short once her quality of life started to suffer. I am mad at my mom and especially mad at myself and God. I am angry and full of rage one minute and a heap on the floor 2 minutes later. What a nightmare this has become because one person decided they would do something that would impact my life so strongly without even talking to me about it first. As if we who are left behind mean nothing. It makes me question her love for me. All those broken promises. Blah, blah, blah. And you and I will never know. Our questions will always be unanswered. We will always suffer with guilt and regret and the what ifs and the whys. Weren't we worth living for? How much fucking pain could she have possibly been in that kicking herself off this planet was a better option then being with me? Your mother with you? I have an appointment with a therapist next week as I am truly frightened what I feel like doing to myself. I have always had issues with depression, it runs in the family, I was barley holding on as it was. It's already two weeks and I'm exhausted from crying. I don't think I can take a full year of this. Lord. I'm so desperate for peace. I would do anything in the world to have her back for 5 minutes so we could discuss her decision. Time machines should be invented just for us. Thank you for your reply, it means a lot that you reached out to me. I am scared and hurting and need my mom to hug me and shes not here anymore. The world is a scarier place to be now. =T
  4. I have been my mothers caretaker for the last 3 years. My husband and I moved in with my parents three years ago to help around the house, grocery shop, help financially etc. After some adjustment period we all got along wonderfully. I loved being there for my parents, I considered myself lucky to be able to do that. Last year my mother had a bad fall and really did damage to her back. Her pain was out of control to the point she needed two surgeries (which did nothing). She was in chronic pain every day needing pain killers, etc. Not to mention she was drinking as well from depression. She would barely come out of her room during the day. I might have seen her 3 hours a day. Then, she attempted suicide. My father found her, thank God. She awoke from a coma in ICU 5 days later. She needed a ventilator to breathe for her. It was a very difficult time for all of us. Especially her, because the suicide didn't work. She blamed my father for calling 911 and not letting her die. She finally came home and things seemed better. She was up more and interacting more. She seemed in good spirits. I thought we had beat the depression and life would go on. Then my father was diagnosed with Esophageal Cancer about a month ago. It looks to be terminal as the tumor is very large. He has a feeding tube as he can no longer swallow. It's a terrible situation. Then a week later, her beloved cat had to be put to sleep. I think it all became too much again. She started to have 24 hour nausea which left her debilitated. Went to the Dr. and had tests done, they couldn't find anything wrong so home we went with no solution in sight. Between the back pain, the constant nausea, caring for a sick husband and her cat I should have been watching her like a hawk. She promised me that she would NEVER try to kill herself again and if she changed her mind she would let me know so I could be there to hold her and talk to her and be with her until the end. I came home from work on March 20th, 2017 and found her dead on the floor. Five days after she promised me she wouldn't do it, she did it. No warning, nothing. She died, in the dark, alone. I should have been given the choice of being there at the end. She brought me into this world I should have been allowed to help her out. I feel like dying. She was my world, my best friend. She knew me inside and out. I can't breathe and when I can I'm crying. She left me to take care of my terminally ill father all by myself. I am having hysterectomy surgery in April and she won't be here for that either. So many promises broken. How could one be so selfish? I don't know what I am going to do without her. The only people who know my mom killed herself are my husband and I. Everyone, including my father, thinks it was a heart attack. We are burdened with this knowledge alone. I love her and hate her. I scream and cry in her empty bedroom as if my rage will somehow make her manifest and stand up for herself. Or at the very least, hug me. I know that we have all been through it and my heart goes out to everyone who is on this board. There has to be light at the end of this tunnel. There just has to be. Otherwise, I'm not sure how I feel about sticking around either.
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