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About fletch14

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  1. I know me too... hardest thIng ever but no where else I'd rather be
  2. I agree... the process of seeing them on a ventilator is just awful. Like they are there, but not there.. and you are talking to them, but can they hear you? Ugh... And seeing your parent taking their last breath - it is just unbearable. The pain still consumes me at times.
  3. @Butterfly2017 - I also have a lot of flashbacks to the hospital. My mom passed away two months ago, and I have flashbacks to her coughing up blood, the look on her face when she realized she wasn't going to make it, how she looked while in a coma... they are all AWFUL. But... it has gotten somewhat better as time has passed here. I still have the flashbacks, but not as frequently. I can only help it continues to get better My therapist also recommended coupling the bad memories with a good memory you have of your mom. LIke when the bad memory comes up, try to think about a good memory... that has also helped to a certain extent.
  4. My mom passed away two months ago. It is so so hard. From what I have read and learned about grief, the "what-ifs" are a large part of the grieving process. I definitely had a ton of "what-ifs" immediately after her passing, and at times they still come up and consume me. But I think it's important to acknowledge them, and then let them pass... Thanks @missdad - I agree, I think people just know when their body is done. and My mom knew... even though I refused to listen to her. She kept saying, I don't think I'm going to get better... I think they just know, as hard as it is to hear.
  5. Same with me @Whit B - my mom was everything to me. So much fun, such a lively personality. Her absence is just so obvious all the time. It just hurts to the depth of my core. Sorry you also are going through this. It is truly the worst.
  6. I lost my mom on March 5th - the most horrific day of my life. Since, I have been in a black hole of sadness and grief... at times curling up in a ball crying, and other times numbly stumbling through my days. Lately, I haven't been crying as much. I am wondering what it feels like when you start to heal, and resume any sort of normalcy in your life. I assume there are lots of ups and downs, but how do you know you are moving forward in, what feels to be, this never ending saga of sadness?
  7. I have been having major anxiety as well - I keep reliving the last couple days of my mom's life, and flashing back - and I am just panicked. Exercise has been helping me, as well as yoga/meditation. But some days I feel like I'm climbing an uphill battle against the anxiety. Hang in there!
  8. Same with me. It has only been 1.5 months -- and I miss her so much sometimes it feels like I can't breathe. And I will have a semi normal day, and then all the sudden get hit like a mack truck by a wave of grief and I am right back to square one. It's like - what do you do with all of that love... and now what do you do when you miss her. I still just can't believe this happened. It is like a bad dream and I keep waiting to wake up. How do you go on, knowing that she is gone? UGH.
  9. Thank you @zita and @reader! That does help - I'm going to try the lavender tablets!
  10. @anxious - thanks for posting that link. I found it really helpful, as I've been dealing with a lot of anxiety following my mom's sudden (and traumatic) death.
  11. I'm so sorry for your loss. I totally get it. 100%. My mom died 5 weeks ago of pneumonia and sepsis. At the end, she was coughing up blood and looking so scared and then was put on a breathing tube... and I can't get these visions out of my head. My therapist told me to try to couple those bad images with a really great image you have in your head of her. I specifically remember this one time when we went snorkeling and she looked so funny with the mask on... it's hard but I keep trying. and i know... it's so hard to imagine being happy again. I hear that the day will come but hard to believe. hang in there!
  12. My mother passed away just 5 weeks ago - she was 67 and I am 37. It was fairly sudden and I am beyond devastated. She was everything to me. I have been incredibly emotional since, crying a lot, at times still in disbelief. I am working with a therapist, who said it is OK to distract myself here and there. I have found that birding and painting are fairly soothing to me, and I have been doing those activities often. As of late, I have had really intense anxiety. I don't know what I'm specifically anxious over, but I feel it in my stomach and chest. I am just so on edge, but I can't point to exactly what I am anxious about - perhaps just loss in general? and losing other people in my life? I don't know. Does anyone else have anxiety like this? Any tips on how to make it better? Also, even when I am trying to distract myself, I feel this general pit in my stomach that all is not right in the world, and that my comfort blanket has been taken away from me. Does anyone else feel like this? This really is just the worst...
  13. @mobb, I'm so sorry to hear about your mom too. It is just the absolute worst. I just can't believe this is a part of life... I don't know how people go on. @Lt1981, yes we are in it together. It is just so hard... day by day I guess. We are waiting until the summer to do a service for her... but I also want to put together a video of pictures, etc... which I know will be so hard. But also good to see her smiling face. Ugh.
  14. Thanks for your response @Dgiirl! Yes, it is so so painful. I just miss her so much, and I can't imagine a life without her. I am so thankful that I had such a good mom, and I'm happy to hear that hopefully those feelings will come more to the surface rather than the painful ones. Gosh, it is just so hard to believe that this is a part of life, and something most people have to go through. @Lt1981, I'm so sorry about your mom too. My mom is ALWAYS on my mind. Everything I think about, it has the glasses of, my mom just died... it is constantly at the forefront of everything I am thinking and doing. I have heard that eventually, it becomes more the background furniture in the room rather than at the forefront. Was she sick for awhile with cancer? Looking at pictures just breaks my heart into pieces, so I completely understand. I just feel like my mom had so much more to live for, and she was taken too early.
  15. My mom passed away just 3.5 weeks ago, and I am just devastated. She was everything to me. She lived around the corner from me, and I spoke/saw her every single day. She has been sick for quite awhile, but I just had grown to think she was immortal or something and would still be around for years to come. I am just spinning in the various stages of grief and am doing everything I can to just stay above water. I keep having visions of her last couple of days - I was the only one there during some really tough moments where she was so scared/coughing up blood/etc., and at times I beat myself up and wonder if I could have done anything differently to have changed this outcome. It was also SO hard to see her so scared. Like I think she knew the end was here... I could see it in her eyes, and I wanted so badly to make it all OK for her. It just broke my heart that I couldn't fix it. I have great friends and family, a therapist, and I am really leaning on my dad (who also is grieving himself)... but I just wonder if there is anything I can do to make this a little easier? Will I ever be happy again? I just miss her so much and don't know how to go on with my life.