More

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Everything posted by More

  1. The other night, you were right in front of me. I remember hugging you, feeling you in my arms. You were laughing and smiling as we played cards. You were there. It was until I awoke the next morning, that I looked around slightly confused, but them deeply aware that you were not there, that it was just a dream. I think it is your way of letting me know you are okay. I am working on being okay.
  2. My grandmother died in January of this year. She was the best woman I knew. My older sister lived with her for the last 12 years, along with her 3 kids and their father. I knew a lot of what went on in the house over the 12 years (some good, some bad). During the 5 months since Gram has passed, I have found out some more. I am so so angry at my sister for the grief she put my grandma through. I am beyond pissed and cannot stand to think of her with any thoughts that are nice. My grandmother opened her home to her and her family and while there was some good that happened, I can't help but think of the bad and how that affected my grandma. I am angry at my grandmother for helping to enable my sister over the last 12 years. I am angry at myself for being upset with her. I am pissed at my parents for also providing the enabling...even now after my grandmother's death. My sister is still in her house, not paying a damn dime and is acting like everything is fine. And then when I express myself to my family all I get is, "your sister is going through a tough time, your sister is the one who lived with her, you should be nice to your sister, spend time with her." I want to scream, yell, hurt something. I do NOT want to spend time with her, show her compassion. She is selfish, I want to tell her this. I want her to know that she is not a good person, that she hurt grandma and does not deserve to still be in that house. I want to see her hurt. Even as I type this, I know it is wrong on some level but damnit, she has done enough.
  3. Dearest Grief, You stormed back into my life unexpectedly last May. I'd all but forgotten you. The way you weight me down so that even the day becomes long and arduous. How my heart turns heavy so that even food will not fill me. Or the way I cannot climb out of the pit you pushed me into. Last May was a little hard. The summer you stayed with me though you were not so pesky or intrusive. When the leaves fell and children collected treats in their costumes, you pushed me down hard. You did not want to be forgotten. That fall hurt, and Grief, I had not forgotten about you. The pit became a little bigger. You even gave me a Kleenex for the pond of tears I cried. Each day became longer than the last. Winter came and became the coldest, darkest time of my life. You, dear Grief, you obliterated my core that morning in January. You had no problem taking that phone call. At the hospital, you clung to me like wet clothes, drowning me in a lake of loneliness and dread. The walls closed in, panic set in. Oh Grief, life was never the same after that day. You were the first one up every morning. you took over my house, littering it with guilt, shame, anger, sadness. Always there, enveloping me. Spring came and went with you by my side. A constant reminder of loss. In May, you made sure I did not forget you. Though I somehow think you never doubted I would remember after January. The days are still long at times. Oh Grief, sometimes you take my breath away. You still hand me those Kleenex, but also still try to fill me with the lead feeling of sadness. We take turns, you and I. Who is the boss in this house? I have not forgotten you, Grief. I never will. Yours truly.
  4. Thank you ModKonnie and Reader for your thoughts and comments. We had our last writers group last week. What a journey it has been. And what a journey I will continue to be on. I am slowly discovering myself and what I am capable of in this process. I will continue to write, to see where it takes me on this journey. The group leader left us with some lovely supplies, one being a journal for self-exploration, that I am excited to go through. I appreciate your insight and feedback.
  5. During the past few weeks I have attended a support group that focuses on writing in the form of prompts given. We have one week left and this group has been a blessing. Since my Gram died in January, I have been writing daily/weekly during my grieving process. Some in journal form, some in poetry form. Most writings have been focused on her and most have focused on the pain of losing her and some other secondary feelings (sadness, loneliness, anger). In this support group I have written a few pieces that have not been about her, I have written pieces that are not full of pain. In reflection of this, should I feel guilty? I have such a deep fear of forgetting her. Maybe it is irrational. She meant the world to me in life and even in her death. She deserves to be remembered. I feel a little guilty that I have written other pieces, that some are not tinged with sadness.
  6. I have not been back to this thread in a while, my apologies. I am doing alright, thank you reader. I am coping with my emotions better. I am still fairly distant from my family though I have come to realize that I need to come to terms with my emotions. I plan on letting my family know how I feel and then moving on from it. It is in the past, I cannot do anything to change other people, I can only change myself.
  7. I've been told to move on, to think of other things, that I should not be angry. I've been told that time heals the pain, that those hard moments will stop. I've been told that I should not still be grieving, that Gram would not want me to. I've been told to think of the happy times, that remembering sadness will not help. I am here to tell you that I am not okay, that there are hard days. I am here to tell you that the hard moments still hurt, that time has not healed this gaping hole in my chest. I am here to tell you that my grief is none of your damn business, that I know what she wanted for me. I am here to tell you that I try every day to just remember everything about her. I am here to tell you that I am still grieving, the loss of her has shaken my core, has left me broken. I will not be happy all the time, I will not make you okay, because I am not.
  8. I am sorry to hear of your loss. I too have experienced anger in my grief journey. I do believe it is normal to have anger at some point in your grief. I would like to say it gets better but I am still very much in the anger part of my grief. My grandma passed away in January and I am very angry/upset with my sister whom lived with her for 10 plus years. The past two weeks or so have been much better as I have put my anger on the back burner and not really paid attention to my family. It has made by home life much better with my husband and son. I know I will have to get to it but I am just not ready to address that. The advice I have it so try and focus on the good in your life and not dwell on the past, it eats away at you. I am not going to say to avoid it because I know that is unhealthy but try to focus on your you and your immediate family and their needs. Try to keep afloat and positive. Hope this helps.
  9. My sister has been selfish while living with her. Doing what she wanted when she wanted, fighting with her significant other so that others in the house could hear, and a few other things as well. I learned most of this after Gram passed.
  10. It is hard to lose someone you love, especially a beloved grandparent. My grandma died in January of this year. It has been and up and down battle of emotions since then inside me. Just being there for your grandmother is a blessing. Hug her, love her. Even sitting in silence with her may be comforting. But do not forget yourself in this either. Take time for you to work through your grief.
  11. Thank you for your reply Reader. I have spent that past few days moving away from my family. I have focused more on my immediate surroundings and have felt a little better. I don't like feeling angry and bitter so for now I am just avoiding. I know I will have to deal with it eventually. Just not now.
  12. Thanks Reader. It is a journey I am determined to make. Each day, one day at a time.
  13. Moving forward feels like losing bits of you, I can't lose your memory. Most days I don't think of you frequently, when I realize that it is like a blow to my chest. When I do remember, it usually encompasses pain. But pain helps me to remember, I need to remember you. Life without you hurts, what I wouldn't give to have you back.
  14. Thank you for sharing this website... my grandmother died almost 5 months ago and I am too far to visit her grave. I struggle with my feelings about her death a lot. I am going to try this website to see if it can help.
  15. I am so sorry to hear about your Nan. I lost my Gram back in January. I was very close to her, much like you were to your Nan. I encourage you to talk with your family about your grief. They may be going through some other life things but sharing memories may help you all. Reach out to someone, you are not alone.
  16. Hey reader, The group went well enough. Every one had their own way of handling grief and it was helpful to know I was not alone. I am unsure if I would go to this particular one again but I did feel welcomed there. They offered support by simply acknowledging that I was grieving. I did not have to put on a front in front of these people. I could be me in my grief. I got to talk about my grandma and how she was when she was alive. It felt good to do. Why can't I do this with family? I am not sure at this time. Thanks for the thoughts. I do appreciate them.
  17. I am attending a grieving support group this week. I have never been to one, never thought I would need one. I am unsure what to expect. I am hoping that it helps... for anything to help. So many emotions boiled up inside. We will see if it helps.
  18. It is hard when we feel overwhelmed. I too find myself in those moments. It helps me to think about my loved ones and what they would want for me. The overwhelming thoughts slow down and I find I can breathe again. My thoughts are with you.
  19. I miss you. Every day. I do not tell anyone. It is a secret I keep buried most of the time. I do not want to burden anyone. No one knows this weight I bear on my chest. Nothing prepared me to say goodbye. Nothing prepared me for this pain. I miss you. More so than yesterday. How can I do this without you?
  20. Thank you both for reading. it helps me to write poetry or even just my thoughts down. Sometimes it all gets lost in the mess of life and I need to slow down and reflect. Day by day is great advice and I strive to do this. I appreciate your comforting words!
  21. I too have lost a grandparent. My grandma passed on 1/18/17. I think of her every day and the whole in my heart is still big and gaping. It helps to be around family during these times, helps to be open about your pain. I do not have any advice as I am still trying to figure out how to keep going. I take it one day at a time. I try to find the good in each day as I know that is what my grandmother would have wanted. May the sun shine your way.
  22. Thank you both for reading and for commenting, I appreciate it.
  23. I woke up into a world without her. The birds still chirp, traffic still moves, the rain still falls, life has not stopped. I have, bit by bit. Without her, the blue sky is dimmer, smiles are a little less real, life less meaningful. Without her, I am taking time to slow down, to watch the world around me, though it seems less real. She brought more color to my life than I realized, her loss is deep within me, aching constantly, not dulled by time. I do appreciate life a little more, a laugh is more real, a touch means more. When I lay down at night, in this world without her, I feel her love, I feel her loss, I feel.
  24. I know what it is like to lose a grandmother. I lost her in January of this year. Some days are a real struggle to get through. I am sorry to hear of your loss, no matter how much time goes by, the pain is there and real. I find it easier to cope when I take it day to day and focus on the good in that day. I know she would want what is best for me and to keep going. I think your grandmother would want that too.
  25. I lost my great aunt in May of 2016. It was a shock, at least to me. I did not know of the health issues that she had. I did not know she hid it all so that she could continue to help others. I lost my great uncle in October of 2016. He was a grumpy guy, but loved deeply. Behind his scowl was a smile that only those who knew him could see. I lost my grandmother in January of 2017. My heart aches with each beat. She was everything to me. Her loss is like a blow to my chest, a hole that is not filled. I lost another great aunt just two days ago. She may have liked Michigan State and talked bad about Michigan football, but she could always make me smile and laugh. My father's side of the family is where all the loss is from in the past ten months. His side got together every year to have a reunion and then at Christmas Eve. My dad's aunts, uncles, and cousins were mine in every sense of the word. I guess I always thought that they would not change, age. How foolish was I. Each loss has made this hole in my chest bigger. Each a blow bigger than the last. The death of my gram has been too much though. I just cannot wrap my head around the fact that she is gone, the fact that I cannot call her right now. I want to so bad. I feel like I cannot tell anyone about this ache in my chest. I feel like everyone around me is trying to forget her, my other family that is now gone. I know others are hurt and aching too, I know this. I feel that others are trying to move on. How can they move on when they meant so much? Gram was a centerpiece in my life as for others too. Why would they want to forget? I cannot. Everything just stays bottled up, no release out. My husband doesn't really respond back when I talk about my pain. He tells me to move on as that is what they would want. I know this is partially true but the pain is there, the pain is real and raw and it cuts me open every time I remember. It is an endless cycle.