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About cp9042

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  • Loss Type
    loss of husband from pancreatic cancer
  • Angel Date
    February 17, 2017


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  1. I met my husband and soulmate in 1983. It was definitely meant to be. My girlfriend had asked me to go with her to a bar and her boyfriend was going to hook me up with his friend, but his friend never made it. My husband to be was there waiting for a "blind" date who never showed. So my girlfriend's boyfriend asked my husband to be over and the rest, as they say, is history. We talked all night and we both knew this is it, this is forever. We moved in together 3 months later and 3 months after that we were married. We had been married for 33 1/2 years. And I will miss him every day.
  2. I have one friend i can call on in emergency. But for most everything I am alone. I am moving to California next year to be near my sons and niece. At least there I will be close to them. But that in itself is hard leaving everything I had here with my husband. We didn't have a house, but everywhere around I look, I see him there.
  3. Thank you all so much for your support. I will try to get out a bit more if I can. I wanted to get out to the patio today, but it looks like rain, so I may not be able to do so. It means a lot to me that people here understand what I am going through and I can talk to you. I dont feel so alone that way. Thank you, and God Bless all of you.
  4. On July 9 I had an injury which broke my humurus bone in my right arm. Although I don't require surgery, I do have to stay home and not work for at least 12 weeks, until at least September. Being at home alone has made the loneliness from my husband so much more apparent. I miss him every day, and if he was here, he would be taking care of me. Now no one is here to take care of me. I have no family here and only one good friend but she works full time. I never realized how lonely I really am.
  5. I read the following online and feel it is very appropriate to how I am feeling since losing my husband. With the death of my spouse, I grieve the loss of so much more than someone I merely love or was close to. I grieve instead the loss of: The one I loved most deepl, cherished and felt closest to. The one who emobodied my true sense of home. The one who was my best friend and who was to be my companion for life. The one I confided in, depended on, and trusted most. The one who really knew, understood and accepted me as I am. The one I felt safe and protected with. The one I shared private moments with. But it is not just this precious person that has been taken from my life. I also suffer the loss of who I was with him. The loss of a couple.The loss of the life we once lived, the plans we made, and the dreams we shared. Also the future that we had envisioned. I felt that this sums up exactly how I feel each and every day.
  6. I lost my husband to cancer in February. I suffer panic attacks as well. I think it is fear of doing something without your spouse. My husband used to do just about everything for me, and we pretty much isolated ourselves from others. We have family and a couple of really good friends, but they do not understand now what I am going through. People will try to comfort you and give you advice. But the best thing I can say is take one day at a time, one hour at a time. All I did for a month was get up, feed my cat, cry and try to make it through. I am back to work now, and it is easier, but every time you have to talk about it, it aches inside. No one can tell you how to deal with your grief, and believe me, you will never get "over" it. Take your time, find things that bring you a bit of joy if you can. I watch tv as an escape. It helps for the moment. God Bless you Diane.
  7. Francine: It is good you had family around you most of the day. I'm sorry that the day ended up with so much pain. I know when you try to hold it in, sometimes, it just comes out all at once. That happens to me as well. But my kitty has been sick so I try to not cry around her, so she won't stress out. My prayers and hugs are with you.
  8. Yesterday was Father's Day. I expected it to be very emotional, and be very sad. I was surprised that I made it through without too much pain. I posted a tribute on Facebook to my beloved husband and talked to my sons, who are dads as well, but who also miss their father terribly. I knew this would be a rough day for them too. I made myself go out for a bit, run some errands. I talked to my husband to let him know I miss him, and love him. But I made it through the day. It is encouraging.
  9. Jackie, I am so sorry for your loss. I loss my husband of over 33 years in February. We did everything together, and he took care of me all the time. Now I have no one to do that for me. But I try to take it slow. Just remember to take it one day at a time. I was unable to go to a grief support group, so I try to get on this site as much as possible. Try to find something you enjoy, like watching a movie, taking a walk. It helps to just waste time doing nothing, at least for me.
  10. Thank you for all your heartfelt words. Francine, I am sorry the "grief" monster is back again for you. Prayers and hugs. Andy, I know what you are saying is so true. Sometimes there is no good reason why people pass away. I just have to get through this and remember him in our good times. Lulu, I know how you feel. My husband had decided not to do anymore treatments after the cancer had spread through his body. He wanted his last days without chemo. But it was not easy to go through. And he was at home when he passed, which we had discussed in advance. But no matter how much you talk to your loved one about the final outcome, when it happens, it is very hard to deal with. The loved ones left are the people who keep suffering. But even though we continue to grieve, we have found a place here to share it with others who can understand and know what all of us are going through.
  11. I think I may have stated on here that my husband had Stage IV Pancreatic Cancer. He was diagnosed in April, 2016. We went to a very prestigious cancer center, and thought this is it, we can beat this. But after his first chemotherapy treatment, he was severely dehydrated and was admitted into the hospital. He almost died at that time. That is where we found a fantastic oncologist who helped my husband tremendously. He didn't lie to us, we knew that his cancer was inoperable. But he did give us a glimmer of hope for time left, something to hold onto. After each chemo treatment, his numbers began to come down. Pretty soon we were thinking, will it be better now? But no, eventually the numbers went up and then we tried a new chemotherapy, which worked for a little bit, then stopped. In December, they found that the cancer had spread to his bones, and then he took a turn for the worse. He fell, and ended up in the hospital again. From there he went to rehab, and was doing really well. January 17 he came home, and things were fine for a bit. Then a week later he was in a lot of pain, we had to get a hospital bed. One month later he died. I just don't understand how he was doing so well, then not. I had been doing pretty good lately in the grief process, but I guess I wonder what more I could have done, what should they have done. It just doesn't make sense and it makes me miss him more all the time.
  12. Thank you Eagle-96 and KayC. I feel a bit better, now I am at work. But later I have to take Pearl for more fluids. Right now, I think it will be a daily thing, but hopefully she will improve enough so that it will be less and less that I have to take her in. KayC, you are right, one day at a time. It is all I can do. I pray that it will be easier in time, and that my rock (Stuie), is up in heaven directing me. I do miss him so much.
  13. Thank you everyone for your continued prayers and support. I went to bed yesterday drained. This morning I woke up and I feel defeated and depressed. Even though Pearl is improving, I just feel very depressed. I was feeling less sad earlier in the week, but now I am very sad.
  14. Pearl has had her ups and downs. I have had to take her almost everyday to the vet for subcutaneous fluids. She is improving, but I am not sure what will happen if I don't take her in every day. I will do it as long as I can. Hopefully she will improve.
  15. An update on Pearl. She has gained back some weight, but it is a struggle for us. I had to take her for fluids Saturday, and I have to take her again today and tomorrow. She is also getting some meds to help her have a BM. And she is eating, but not much. I am trying my best to help her all I can. Please keep the prayers coming.