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BKS Love

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    Boyfriend, the love of my life
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  1. Feb 20, 2017 was the worst day of my life. As the days go by it is getting more difficult to cope with the loss of my boyfriend. He suffered from bipolar and we had lots of ups and down, but I never was willing to give up on him. I loved him and would stick by him for everything and anything. A couple of years ago he was very depressed and tried to commit suicide, since then there have been manic episodes, but I never felt that he wanted to take his own life. He was back in school, and seemed to be happier. He was talking about the future a lot, so I was confident that something like this would never happen. On Feb 20th I left for work that morning and everything was fine, we had plans on going to the movies that night. When I called him later on in the day to see what time he wanted to meet I could tell he had been drinking. We would get into arguments a lot about this, because I did not like him drinking because I knew it was not good for him because of the disease. I came home and I noticed the window was broken. Earlier in the day when I talked to him he had told me he wanted to jump out the window, I took this as a sarcastic remark thinking he was having a bad day. He had been doing so well that I didn't think that he was being serious. That is something I will regret forever. On my way home he went back and forth between not making sense, being angry, and being confused. He texted me and said he needed me because he didn't know what was going on with him. I wanted to help him so bad, but I was also so angry at him for drinking. In the past I have called the cops on him to force him to go to the hospital, he did not like when I did this. When I saw the window was broken I asked him about it and he started asking me if I did it. I could tell he was in a paranoid state of mind and I decided to tell him I am going to leave for a bit. I called security instead of the cops because I didn't want him to be upset, but I wanted to see if they could talk to him and get him back into a normal state of mind. When they came in the apt I followed behind them. He locked himself in the room, and we tried talking to him. When he made a comment about jumping out of the window and I heard the glass break I quickly yelled at the security guards to break our bedroom door down, but it was too late....I ran into the room and looked out the window and my love was laying outside. This has been so traumatic and heartbreaking for me. I keep thinking why did I leave him alone, why did I not call the cops, they would have been more trained for something like this. I am tortured daily with life without him, and tortured with guilt that I could have stopped this from happening. I miss him so much, it actually hurts me every second I am without him. I don't know what to do, I don't know how to cope with this.
  2. Thank you KayC. I like to write my boyfriend letters to help put my emotions to paper. Until I wrote this down I didn't even realize I felt this way. But I told him I decided to leave the apt and move elsewhere, it was a hard choice, but I don't want to create new memories in our home without him. During holidays the apartments have different events. We always went to these events together, fourth of july fireworks, music in the park, etc. I want my last memories of walking around during xmas time in the beautiful park in our complex to be with him. I don't want to create a new memory walking around the park looking at the lights without him, if that makes sense? This is really hard, and I know I will probably regret moving,but I also know I can't live here forever because I am just renting. Will I be more accepting of the decision if I decided to move in 6 months instead of next week? Maybe, but maybe not. I guess as hard as this is, I am looking at it as ripping the band aid off quickly, rather than potentially getting semi better and having to experience this feeling of separation anxiety a few months from now, or even a year from now. I feel like this tonight, and I will probably feel different tomorrow morning, seems to be the story of my life these days :/ thank you everyone for your advice and support, and I hope that by moving I am making the right decision.
  3. Yeah I will still have everything, so I have some sort of comfort in that. I have tried to stay at the apt by myself for the first time and I have mixed emotions. Part of me feels sad because I'm in our home and he isn't here with me, but part of me feels a sense of comfort because I'm in our home, if that makes sense? I just don't want to make the wrong decision, but know I need to make a decision. I just wish I could tell the future. Will I eventually be able to have a routine and not have triggers when I see the window? Or when I go to our neighborhood grocery store? Or will moving to a new apt be the right thing for me? I hate that I can't make up my mind, but I need to tell my apts what I'm doing. I just miss him so much and wish I knew what I need to do with my life.
  4. Because the tragic indident happened at the apartment I feel like I quickly made the decision that I have to leave, because I couldn't even go to the apt at first, It was hard even driving around that side of town. I knew staying at my parents house had to be very temporary because living out of duffle bags would not be helpful in my recovery from this incident. I went and found a new apt on the other side of town and told my current apt I am leaving in two weeks. Last week I started thinking did I make the decision too soon, I know I can probably still change my mind if I make a diff decision in the next couple of days. I stayed the night at the apt with a friend of mine to see how I would feel. This is why I am still confused. I felt okay waking up in he morning, but I almost feel like I'm tricking myself if that makes sense? I felt okay because for a second I forgot what had happened. I felt good waking up in our bed. But then I look and see that window, and it reminds me of everything. As the day went on I felt like that kept happening. I would do things like I would when he was still here, but then I would remember he's gone. If I owned the house I think it would be an easier decision to stay. But since I am renting, I don't know if staying there will eventually get better, or will I be living a lie, will I be convincing myself that he is still here, and then having flashbacks from that night throughout the day?
  5. Thank you for y'all's input. When it first happened I couldn't even bring myself to go to the apt to get my things. I had my family go. He had moved in with me when I lived in a different unit in the same complex. We moved into this unit together. I remember how excited we were about getting this one, it was bigger and nicer. But now I resent it because of the way I lost him, we used to live on the third floor, now this unit was on the 6th. I keep thinking I wish we stayed on the third and maybe he would still be here today. No matter where I go, if I decide to go, I will have his things hung up. I'm going to try to spend a night there and see how I do. I feel like I can be okay during the day, but the night time is what scares me. The window the incident happened in is literally right by the bed. I keep thinking I want to stay for the feeling that he is with me, but then I think am I going to constantly be looking at the front door, waiting for him to come home? I think about this decision day and night. I know I can't live there forever because I am just renting. But idk I'm going crazy it seems like...why does life have to be this difficult? The loss of a loved one is something I don't wish upon anyone.
  6. Whens the right time

    I have been struggling with that as well. I lost my boyfriend a little over a month ago, and his parents wanted to come take his things, not because they want it all, I think they just want a few things as memories, but I find comfort in seeing his things in our closet. I have contemplating moving to a different apartment, and I want to put his things up in there. It may be crazy, but it gives me comfort. I dont know for how long I will keep doing it, but I know that I have no intentions of giving it away anytime soon. If you feel that it upsets you, maybe donate some of his things and keep the items that meant the most to you. If it upsets you seeing them, put it away in a box for now. I think you should keep a few things, and if it is in a box you can always decide later if you want to put it back up. I think you will regret it if you give everything away.
  7. A little over a month ago I lost the love of my life, my soulmate. This has been a really difficult time for me, I think about him 24/7. We lived together, and he suffered from bipolar and the day he passed away it was due to him not being in the right state of mind. He had broken the window and jumped out. I truly believe he did not know what he was doing, and did not do this with intentions of it being fatal. I have been staying at my parents house ever since the incident happened. Now I am at a crossroad. I don't know if I should stay living at the apartment, or if I should move. My struggle is that we shared so many good memories there. I look around and see everything that he put together for us. Everything at the apartment reminds me of him. I want to stay for those memories. But I struggle with the fact that the tragic incident where I lost him took place in our bedroom. I am afraid I will constantly think about that night. I obsess over that night everyday, thinking what could I have done differently so that I could save him. I have received mixed opinions from my friends, but I wanted to get advice from others that have had similar losses in their lives. Should I stay at the apartment and cherish the good memories, or will that tragic night haunt me everyday? I would appreciate any feedback I can get. I am really struggling with what to do.