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Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
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    • ModKonnie

      Advertisements   09/05/2017

      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie

London

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  1. His death definitely made me question not just death, but my life a lot. I had questions like why am I living? where is my dad? and that feeling you are explaining sounds like the numb/confused feeling that I felt for a couple years after he died. You are wrapping your brain around what just happened- it is still very new, like shock or something. and you seem like a sympathetic person (which is rare to find) and so how you say you are feeling her illness it sounds like a connectedness. I have that with my closest people, I truly feel their emotions sometimes. It makes me wonder what else is out there, how we must all be connected even after we die. The dreams you're having, maybe they will become clearer later on. I have these reoccurring dreams about my dad, have had them for the past five years or so on and off. He is leaving me - saying that he cant stay for long, its this feeling I get like I cant hold on to him. And one time I just yelled at him, I let him know how I felt and I actually felt good when I woke up. I don't remember having a reoccurring dream after that come to think of it.
  2. I'm not sure how long your loved one passed, but you could also be in the beginning stages of grief. Like how you say that you are waiting for a sign - I totally get that. When my dad passed at first I truly thought he would come back to me as a ghost, then I settled for just a sign or something and I was devastated when I realized I would never see him again. Maybe that was my way of coping. Its good that you have been able to talk about it and I think its also normal to want to keep to yourself too. In my case I just wanted someone to ask me how I was doing. something that I heard years ago helped me to put death in a different perspective: if you think of a persons life, be it someone who dies at 2 years old or 90 years old, their life was planned to be that long, so you were mean to have exactly that amount of time with them - anything more was not meant to be. I guess it just made me value that time I had, so the thought of not having him now is not as painful, if that makes sense. He was never meant to meet his grandchildren, he was meant to be there for my childhood, to show me that I was loved for that moment in time. Just writing that out helps me actually:)
  3. Hey new133 thanks for replying. I guess I mean that deep down I feel like my aunt and extended family don't really care to have me in their lives, wont make an effort to have me in their lives. I'm just a relative.They have their own children, grandchildren and families and I feel pushed aside. I feel like my dad pushed me away as well. In a child's mind you start to think that something is wrong with you. I know better now - I mean, I know that people don't intentionally want to make me feel this way. the kid inside me is feeling abandoned its really weird. Also, I never really had anyone to help me when my dad died and I'm stuck with the grief still. I needed to have that funeral where everyone gathers and asks you how you are feeling. I didn't have that closure, I felt like the homeless person on the sidewalk that everyone walks by and ignores. So then I felt like I didn't have an "ok" to grieve and I just went back to work like nothing happened the next day. I see people post about their loved ones dying on facebook all the time and I feel like they are doing it to get validation/attention or something? I get it though, people need to feel cared about during times of loss. I think you are right, I should maybe find a support group or something. I have people I trust in my life but they can only hear the stories so many times before they tell me that I need to get over it. I'm sorry to hear that your mom is similar. It's really difficult to understand later in life that its not about you, they are the way they are. I guess some people have a harder time expressing emotion. I hug and kiss my kids to death because I want them to feel loved. I hope you had other family members who were loving towards you.
  4. I have been experiencing what I think are abandonment issues since I was a child. Here is my story. I come from a family of five, my mom, dad, two brothers and me. I am a female 32 years old. My life started out as very happy. We lived in a house with a big yard, my parents were together and I was very close with my dad. He was goofy and fun loving, took me out to the park and to the hardware store, cuddled with me – I was a typical daddy’s girl. I remember him going on a lot of business trips and he went golfing a lot. My mom was very cold to me. She didn’t kiss or hug me, often she would ignore me or be annoyed by me. This continued throughout my whole life. Then at age 11 my dad left my mom. My mom hit the bottle and by the time I was 15 she was drinking a magnum of wine every night. My mom was depressed, an alcoholic and our relationship declined. I tried to get her help, talk to her, but she denied having problems. I was constantly reminded that I was her responsibility. Even though she treated me like that, I begged for her attention, I did special things for her that she didn’t appreciate- in hopes that she would tell me she loved me, or hug me. My dad dated, and met a woman who he would stay with. My brothers and I would see him every second weekend or so. My mom had to sell the house because she says my dad blew their finances so we rented an apartment. Visits with my dad became less and less until he decided to quit his job in the government and move overseas to work. He remained with his girlfriend who he would go on trips with, and she would visit him often. My dad would come home once a year. He flew my brothers and I overseas twice, when I was 15 and when I was 17. At 16 my dad broke the news to us that he had been diagnosed with cancer and he had been declining ever since. During the entire trip, when I was 17, he was ill and I could see the agony on his face. At 19 I graduated from highschool and my dad came home for his last visit. He died later that year in Serbia. My mom was still drinking and I knew she wasn’t in a place to help me. She didn’t console me – I knew that she wasn’t able to. My dad’s girlfriend received her money from the will and left – she told us that she didn’t want us contacting her. We didn’t receive his ashes from Serbia until about year or so later, which my grandma kept in Toronto. We didn’t have a funeral. We planted a tree for him in a Toronto golf course that he had worked at when he was a child. Now I am 32 and I have a husband and two young children. Im in school to become a nurse. My two brothers are not functional adults, they live with my mom and the three of them have a lot of social anxiety, depression and alcohol issues. I continue to do special things for my mom, I pay her phone bill, I take her out for her birthday, I drive the kids to her house. She has made more of an effort because of my kids, babysitting and buying them clothes, toys. She loves them a lot. I have talked to my mom about how she made me feel as a child, what I went through emotionally and she has told me that she was depressed and because she couldn’t help herself, she couldn’t help me. I called her once crying in and in emotional despair and she told me to go and see a therapist. I just wanted her to tell me she loved me, talk to me. I have not healed and I don’t know what to do. I can step into everyone elses shoes – I know what my mom went through raising us on her own. I know my dad was unhappy. I know my brothers have had issues because their dad left. I feel so abandoned, unloved and hurt. I cant get over my dads death. Even though I have so much love from my husband and my kids, the family I was raised with has really hurt me. I have an aunt, my dads sister, who cares about me but I go out of my way to visit her, she doesn’t come to see me. I feel like I’m not worth anyone’s time or something. I have a good friend, who I have been friends with since I was 14, and she and her family have been very supportive to me – that I am grateful for. I have very good friends nd a loving husband who I have talked to about this many times. I have seen therapists, but I didn’t feel like they were helping me/could help me. I’ve been on antidepressents, I’ve learned about the stages of grief, I’ve purchased self help books, I’ve tried to change the way I think about the situation, I’ve gone over the scenarios in my head. I’m stuck. I need some advice. What can I do to heal?
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