Tineke Tjepkema

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  1. AceBasin,I really really like what you wrote in your post.Don't we all want that the person that we lost is proud of us?You want your wife to be proud of you and I want my Steve to be proud of me.We have to live the lives that they can't live because they were taken from us too early.Wouldn't it be a dreadful waste if we didn't? Life is worth living even when you are in the situation that we are all in on this forum.
  2. Yuyu,This is just the most awful,painful thing I can imagine happening to someone.Seeking help I think is very advisable.You must be so traumatised.Maybe there is a group you could join.It does not have to be church. I wish you strength.
  3. Hi Cat,If you can say something at the other memorial it would be good, but if you can't then its also ok.Be kind to yourself and try not feel any guild about anything. For a while pain is going to be present during a big part of the day.You want to scream,cry,shout and all you really want is to have him back,have hime back now.What can you do?Very little really.Ride the waves of agony and accept all the support you can get.Big hugs from Australia.
  4. Hi Cat,You have just lost he love of your life and you are suffering unbearable pain.I am terribly sorry that you are now member of the 'club of believed' people.None of us want to be here and none of us ever thought that would need to be here.But we are here,that is a fact of life. I am not the first one to say it, but you are in the right place on this forum.You can say anything you want and can repeat about your agony as often as you want.We all understand what you are going through. Try to be kind to yourself.Try not to feel too much guild, don't put blame on yourself.You argued with him because you were worried about him,because you loved him.There is nothing wrong with that. Maybe you would like to express your feelings about him at the service.It is a chance to show the world how much you loved and love him.I wish you strength.
  5. Hi KMB, thanks for that.Yes, Steve did die from a sudden unexpected cardiac arrest and I could not save him.I do not feel guilty about that.I knew what to do and I did it but it was not enough. It is just that it rattles me badly to see him again in my dream where he seems to be alive but at the same time where I know that he is not.I do not get comfort from these dreams. I do not know how you feel about your husband passing away suddenly and you could not say goodbye.They went without knowing it and we are left behind in shatters.We all want to go without knowing.I miss that I could not say goodbye,but on the other hand Steve was spared a long sick bed.He just went too early.He was only 51. We had 22 good years together, that is what I keep reminding myself.More than what many people ever had.
  6. Hi All,last night I dreamt of my Steve and it has rattled me terribly.I know that some of like to dream of your loved one but I really, really do not like it. We were sitting next to each other in the cinema and Steve put his arm through mine and he grabbed my hand(he would not have done that in real life).I knew in the dream that something was not right and that he was actually dead.I thought I should make some phone calls and check what was happening, but at the same time I was a little relieved that he was back with me. Then I woke up and I realised where I was and that I was living a life without Steve.God, I am so terribly sad.
  7. Hi Bobbers,Please slow down.Don't change anything.Stay where you are .Be there for your son and take one day at a time.
  8. Hi to all again.All the questions we ask ourselves....We know that they can not really be answered.When I asked the question :' How did you feel at 9 months' I could have received 100 different answers. We all have our own ways of grieving, we all have our own time line.Some people start dating in the first year or indeed even get married in the first year.For me personally that would be way to early.I genuinely am not interested in a close relationship with a man at the moment.General advice is not to take any big decisions in the first year or 2 and marriage would definitely fall under that category. What I learn from my counsellor and from books and from family and friends is that we have to be kind to ourselves and that we have to give ourselves time.Lots of time.We all would want this time in our lives of feeling awful to be over, to be over quickly, but it does not work like that.And it is not only time what we need.We need to do something with that time.We need to use that time for healing for becoming whole again.We all have our own ways of doing that.What helps for me is accepting and asking for help from outside.
  9. Hi to all of you.I have 'been away' for a few days.I am so desperately filling my days with doing 'stuff' that i did not make time to read the forums and/or write something.I know that my keeping busy is a form of escape.When i keep busy i don not think too much about my Steve.When I am alone at home, thats when the thinking starts and it rarely makes me feel better. Yesterday was a bit of a milestone for me.I scattered a little of Steve's ashes and my friend made a 1 min video of it.Steve would have loved it.A little of his ashes on the soil in front of our old windsurf boards that are dug in the ground there.Windsurfing and riding his bike were his passions.I honour his passions and I have continued to windsurf on my own and ride my bike on my own or with friends.It is not the same, but I want Steve to be proud of me.I want him to say : 'Well done girl, you still have it in you, even without me'. To refer back to your comments.I agree we will not 'get over our loved one', but we will learn to live with their absence not live despite their absence.Our hearts are broken,but broken things can mend themselves.There will be scars, no doubt.We are all on this forum,so our pain is still raw, our hearts are still broken,our minds are still full of thoughts of our loved one.They will probably stay full of these thoughts for a long time and most likely forever.But eventually these thoughts will not cause pain anymore but when will that time arrive.I would love to know.
  10. Hi KMB, KayC and Herc, my husband also died from sudden cardiac arrest.He was in bed next to me asleep.Suddenly he had a few strange gasps and that woke me up.And then he stopped breathing and I knew straight away it was not good.I dragged him on the floor and started CPR.Well we all know that that did not work.I would not have been on this forum...PM showed that his coronary arteries were totally blocked.He was super fit and had done over 100 km on his bike in the hills the day before he died.His nick name was Sports Billy.He was the last person in the world that anyone would have thought to die just like that.And he was only 51 years old.What a waste. When I said in a post I give myself 2 years to get over him I mean that I hope that in 2 years I will have found some sort of happiness again, some sort of closure.I really,really do not want to feel like this for ever.Steve will be in my heart for ever, but I sincerely hope that he eventually will be in my heart without any pain.That I can think about him with a smile on my face in stead of with tears in my eyes. We all feel that our spouse was the best ever and they were.That is why we are all so sad.Because we loved so much we now suffer so much. We are all in each others thoughts and that helps.Writing here in this forum helps. Lets keep writing and lets keep caring
  11. Hi Andy,in these forums everybody understands how you feel.These terrible waves of sadness that come from nowhere.One moment you feel okish and then suddenly something hits you and you burst into uncontrollable crying.It is a wave that will pass.I try to look at it like that; it is a wave.It WILL pass. You are in pain.We are all in pain and sharing the pain makes it that slightly bit more bearable. This grieving 'club' binds us.We don't know each other but we share the same loss and that makes us close.The loss of the one we loved and still love most in the world is the loss we have in common.We will get through this, no doubt.We have no choice. Lets all keep posting.Lets all keep helping and supporting each other. Tineke
  12. Hi Francine, Thank you for taking the time to reply.You were married for 45 years;I was with Steve for 'only' 22 years.Our lives were very intertwined.We had both stopped working at an early age and we were enjoying life to the full,living out of a suitcase most of the time.That nomadic lifestyle is suddenly not so appealing anymore on my own. We can not describe to people how we feel.People will say to me :'I know how you feel', but they don't.The only people that understand us are people that are in 'the club'.It is sad but true.Still we can get a lot of support from people around us,even if they have not gone through a loss like we have.I find my councillor very helpful and some of my friends and one of my sisters are my life savers.We can not do this alone.Unfortunately there are many hours that we are alone and that we do not have a person near us.Those hours I find the hardest hours.I want to scream and cry and I call him to come back to me,I shout at him why did you leave just like that, leaving me all on my own..But I know that he won't come back.It was not his choice to leave life this early and I know that he much rather would be here with me on this earth. I also get help from thinking :'what would he want me to do, what would he want me to do with the rest of my life'.I want Steve to be proud of me.You are right to say that we will never be the same , we will be changed for ever but maybe we will just come out at the other end that little bit stronger.I want to show my Steve that I can still make something out of my life even though I have to do it on my own. For me writing down about my sad feelings help.I do not know about you but I know I can not always 'burden' my friends with my sadness.On this forum you can say what you feel, over and over again and people understand your sadness.We are all in the same boat and we just have to make sure that the waves that keep hitting our boat don't make the boat capsize.Riding the waves, that is what my councillor told me.Ride the waves of sadness;see it as a wave and after a little while the wave will disappear.We know that another wave will come but we will be ready to ride that one as well.
  13. Hello to you all.The club of people who are grieving, the club of people who are sad,the club of people who feel lonely and I can go on like this forever.I have been a visitor of this forum for a couple of weeks.Just visiting and reading how people feel after they have lost their loved one.It is comforting to know that you are not the only one who feels like this and for me that I 'have done' already over 9 months. So I have done 9 months now and why do I still often feel so terrible?And feel that I 'should've feeling better by now and I am doing all the right things and I am even seeing a councillor.But when it comes down to it I still feel very lonely and sad,sad,sad and I miss my Steve so bad that I sometimes do not know what to do with myself.I am frantically looking for things to keep myself occupied with;lots of sport,working in the garden, seeing friends etc.But really, all I want is Steve next to me.To talk and to do things with. I am 'giving' myself 2 years to get over him.I know it is rubbish to talk like that,but I don't want to be still grieving in 10 years.What I really want is to feel better now and to stop crying now! I would like to hear from all of you.How you feel now and if the passing of your loved one has been a while longer, how did you feel at 9 months?