Tineke Tjepkema

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  1. Hi KMB, KayC and Herc, my husband also died from sudden cardiac arrest.He was in bed next to me asleep.Suddenly he had a few strange gasps and that woke me up.And then he stopped breathing and I knew straight away it was not good.I dragged him on the floor and started CPR.Well we all know that that did not work.I would not have been on this forum...PM showed that his coronary arteries were totally blocked.He was super fit and had done over 100 km on his bike in the hills the day before he died.His nick name was Sports Billy.He was the last person in the world that anyone would have thought to die just like that.And he was only 51 years old.What a waste. When I said in a post I give myself 2 years to get over him I mean that I hope that in 2 years I will have found some sort of happiness again, some sort of closure.I really,really do not want to feel like this for ever.Steve will be in my heart for ever, but I sincerely hope that he eventually will be in my heart without any pain.That I can think about him with a smile on my face in stead of with tears in my eyes. We all feel that our spouse was the best ever and they were.That is why we are all so sad.Because we loved so much we now suffer so much. We are all in each others thoughts and that helps.Writing here in this forum helps. Lets keep writing and lets keep caring
  2. Hi Andy,in these forums everybody understands how you feel.These terrible waves of sadness that come from nowhere.One moment you feel okish and then suddenly something hits you and you burst into uncontrollable crying.It is a wave that will pass.I try to look at it like that; it is a wave.It WILL pass. You are in pain.We are all in pain and sharing the pain makes it that slightly bit more bearable. This grieving 'club' binds us.We don't know each other but we share the same loss and that makes us close.The loss of the one we loved and still love most in the world is the loss we have in common.We will get through this, no doubt.We have no choice. Lets all keep posting.Lets all keep helping and supporting each other. Tineke
  3. Hi Francine, Thank you for taking the time to reply.You were married for 45 years;I was with Steve for 'only' 22 years.Our lives were very intertwined.We had both stopped working at an early age and we were enjoying life to the full,living out of a suitcase most of the time.That nomadic lifestyle is suddenly not so appealing anymore on my own. We can not describe to people how we feel.People will say to me :'I know how you feel', but they don't.The only people that understand us are people that are in 'the club'.It is sad but true.Still we can get a lot of support from people around us,even if they have not gone through a loss like we have.I find my councillor very helpful and some of my friends and one of my sisters are my life savers.We can not do this alone.Unfortunately there are many hours that we are alone and that we do not have a person near us.Those hours I find the hardest hours.I want to scream and cry and I call him to come back to me,I shout at him why did you leave just like that, leaving me all on my own..But I know that he won't come back.It was not his choice to leave life this early and I know that he much rather would be here with me on this earth. I also get help from thinking :'what would he want me to do, what would he want me to do with the rest of my life'.I want Steve to be proud of me.You are right to say that we will never be the same , we will be changed for ever but maybe we will just come out at the other end that little bit stronger.I want to show my Steve that I can still make something out of my life even though I have to do it on my own. For me writing down about my sad feelings help.I do not know about you but I know I can not always 'burden' my friends with my sadness.On this forum you can say what you feel, over and over again and people understand your sadness.We are all in the same boat and we just have to make sure that the waves that keep hitting our boat don't make the boat capsize.Riding the waves, that is what my councillor told me.Ride the waves of sadness;see it as a wave and after a little while the wave will disappear.We know that another wave will come but we will be ready to ride that one as well.
  4. Hello to you all.The club of people who are grieving, the club of people who are sad,the club of people who feel lonely and I can go on like this forever.I have been a visitor of this forum for a couple of weeks.Just visiting and reading how people feel after they have lost their loved one.It is comforting to know that you are not the only one who feels like this and for me that I 'have done' already over 9 months. So I have done 9 months now and why do I still often feel so terrible?And feel that I 'should've feeling better by now and I am doing all the right things and I am even seeing a councillor.But when it comes down to it I still feel very lonely and sad,sad,sad and I miss my Steve so bad that I sometimes do not know what to do with myself.I am frantically looking for things to keep myself occupied with;lots of sport,working in the garden, seeing friends etc.But really, all I want is Steve next to me.To talk and to do things with. I am 'giving' myself 2 years to get over him.I know it is rubbish to talk like that,but I don't want to be still grieving in 10 years.What I really want is to feel better now and to stop crying now! I would like to hear from all of you.How you feel now and if the passing of your loved one has been a while longer, how did you feel at 9 months?