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Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie

Tineke Tjepkema

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  1. I Cannot Take It Anymore

    Hi Stonesie,this is me in a nutshell.My husband died nearly 17 months ago and here I am, still very sad.I have a 'good' life with family and friends around me and I have no money worries but God I am so sad.
  2. Almost five months now

    Kay,you describe that very well: the grief,the sadness is lurking in the background,it is always there.And it does not require much to 'stick it's head up' and interfere with whatever you were doing.I sincerely hope that 'it' will not stay my partner for ever!!
  3. Don't know what to say

    Hi Paluka,I did CPR too on my husband and also vividly remember that heavy lifeless body.God if only I could forget that.
  4. Don't know what to say

    DHJ,your wife only died a couple of months ago so don't be surprised that dating is not a priority for you at the moment. My husband died June '16 and I am not in the least ready to date, even though I would love to meet a new guy and fall in love again.We can not force these things.On the other hand ,still grieving for your loved one and falling in love with a new person can happen at the same time. It all depends if you are ready and open .It can not be forced just as the grieving process can not be forced and speeded up.We all want to forward the clock, but it is not possible. Take your time.
  5. Two Months...

    I heard the computer mentioned before where a woman was talking about grieving. When you are grieving there is a programme(like a computer programme) running in the background continuously,24 hrs/day.When somebody asks you : 'How are you feeling today' your answer could be very likely be that you burst out into tears.The person asking will apologise profusely,because they have made you sad and cry again.They have not made you sad,you are sad all day long;the computer programme is running all day long but it is not necessarily very visible. Friends/relatives should not say sorry that they made you cry/sad.They did not make you cry.You are crying because you lost your loved one.And talking about that is good.You can never talk about it too much and crying also does not do any harm.
  6. How long?

    Hi SRB.Saying:'Welcome' to this forum does not sound right,but you know what I mean.Every body on this forum knows what you are going through and every body feels strongly for you.We are all here for the same reason : we have lost the person that was most precious to us.You are in the right place here.You can say anything you want and you can repeat yourself over and over and talk about your man endlessly.. My Steve died June '16 and it still seems like yesterday.I notice that friends and family around me move on much quicker than I (naturally!!)but often all I want to do is talk about Steve.I have a very supportive circle around me and that has been life saving,but you do not always want to bother others with your sorrow.The forum is there for you,any time you want. About the how long.Who knows?KayC's George died 12 years ago and for her it is still one day at the time.The same for me,one day at a time and that is after 16 months.Yes ,you do adjust and the rawness changes.I am still very very sad and I miss 'my old me'.Of course 'my old me' will never come back but I am hoping for something not too far of it. Azipod,I do recognise : 'The sadness can be so intense that it draws you to your knees'.That has happened to me many times.What can you do?Ride the waves of sadness and you will come out the other end,still alive.You have no choice.We all have to do this.
  7. Don't know what to say

    Hi Azipod, I will tell you where I am at the moment. I have come a long way and the hysterical,crying,screaming waves are now over.I still cry most days,but it is more a quiet sad crying.Sometimes on my own, sometimes with a friend or with my sister who has been my life line over the last year.I find it more difficult to talk with friends/relatives about Steve because 'it has already been over 15 months'.Not that they say they mind but you sometimes know that their thoughts are some where else.Maybe that is why I now have turned again to this forum.Everybody here understands how I feel. But,with all the sadness that is going on on these forums: Things do change.You will feel different after a while,not necessarily better,but definitely different.You will not know how long it will take before you start enjoying things again,that is different for every one.When I am out doing something that Steve and I always used to do together,I have started to enjoy it again.When I am out there windsurfing or cycling a nasty steep hill,I can hear him say : 'Go girl,go'. But really a lot of the time I am still very sad. We have to accept that the person we loved so much is gone.The person is gone but the relationship is still there.It hurts and we all on this forum know that.I feel that I have to live life for me and Steve;I have to make every effort to make the best of it.It is a struggle,but what can you do?We have no choice.But would we not want our loved one to be proud of us?Of course we do!
  8. Don't know what to say

    Hi to all of you.I have not been on the forum for a while.My husband died June '16 in bed next to me,only 51 years old.For the last couple of weeks I have started to feel the need to read on this forum again.Not sure why. KayC,It sounds as if you are going through a very rough patch at the moment.A side that I have not seen of you.To me you are the 'Mother' of the forum,always answering and replying to topics and giving solid advice to all of us.And you are 'already' 12 years in so you have seen it all.But you are obviously also still suffering.I want to speak out the cliche of my heart goes out to you. What keeps me going when I feel really,really awful?I will ask myself what Steve would want me to do.What he would want me to do with my day,with my life.I desperately want him to be proud of me.Those thoughts keep me going.'What would he want me to do'. About which side of the bed I sleep.I sleep across the bed and I keep the small box of ashes that I still have of him with me under the blankets.He is with me in bed at night and he is with me in my heart during the day.I can hear him saying:'Go girl,go girl'.
  9. A Feeling of Determination

    AceBasin,I really really like what you wrote in your post.Don't we all want that the person that we lost is proud of us?You want your wife to be proud of you and I want my Steve to be proud of me.We have to live the lives that they can't live because they were taken from us too early.Wouldn't it be a dreadful waste if we didn't? Life is worth living even when you are in the situation that we are all in on this forum.
  10. Fairy tale without a happy ending

    Yuyu,This is just the most awful,painful thing I can imagine happening to someone.Seeking help I think is very advisable.You must be so traumatised.Maybe there is a group you could join.It does not have to be church. I wish you strength.
  11. How to deal with heartache?

    Hi Cat,If you can say something at the other memorial it would be good, but if you can't then its also ok.Be kind to yourself and try not feel any guild about anything. For a while pain is going to be present during a big part of the day.You want to scream,cry,shout and all you really want is to have him back,have hime back now.What can you do?Very little really.Ride the waves of agony and accept all the support you can get.Big hugs from Australia.
  12. How to deal with heartache?

    Hi Cat,You have just lost he love of your life and you are suffering unbearable pain.I am terribly sorry that you are now member of the 'club of believed' people.None of us want to be here and none of us ever thought that would need to be here.But we are here,that is a fact of life. I am not the first one to say it, but you are in the right place on this forum.You can say anything you want and can repeat about your agony as often as you want.We all understand what you are going through. Try to be kind to yourself.Try not to feel too much guild, don't put blame on yourself.You argued with him because you were worried about him,because you loved him.There is nothing wrong with that. Maybe you would like to express your feelings about him at the service.It is a chance to show the world how much you loved and love him.I wish you strength.
  13. My dream last night

    Hi KMB, thanks for that.Yes, Steve did die from a sudden unexpected cardiac arrest and I could not save him.I do not feel guilty about that.I knew what to do and I did it but it was not enough. It is just that it rattles me badly to see him again in my dream where he seems to be alive but at the same time where I know that he is not.I do not get comfort from these dreams. I do not know how you feel about your husband passing away suddenly and you could not say goodbye.They went without knowing it and we are left behind in shatters.We all want to go without knowing.I miss that I could not say goodbye,but on the other hand Steve was spared a long sick bed.He just went too early.He was only 51. We had 22 good years together, that is what I keep reminding myself.More than what many people ever had.
  14. My dream last night

    Hi All,last night I dreamt of my Steve and it has rattled me terribly.I know that some of like to dream of your loved one but I really, really do not like it. We were sitting next to each other in the cinema and Steve put his arm through mine and he grabbed my hand(he would not have done that in real life).I knew in the dream that something was not right and that he was actually dead.I thought I should make some phone calls and check what was happening, but at the same time I was a little relieved that he was back with me. Then I woke up and I realised where I was and that I was living a life without Steve.God, I am so terribly sad.
  15. Suggestion of things to avoid or do very early on

    Hi Bobbers,Please slow down.Don't change anything.Stay where you are .Be there for your son and take one day at a time.