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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie


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  1. I want to die also.

    I'm more comfortable alone. I'll be gone out of the house within the month. He dislikes me very much to the point of dismissal but it's for his own good. I'm just waiting out time and thats more bearable alone. in time if I end up unable to feed and bath myself, then what? So, At the very least I'm moving to a state that has death with dignity option. I have read the forum. It's helped me see how real it would be for the person living with ones who commit suicide while they know them so it was made more clear that not matter what, my only choice is to go, and even run off. Thank you all
  2. I want to die also.

    I just can't be here any longer then I have to. I'm getting my affairs in order. This week I've started giving my belongings away and I've gotten the information for cremation ready, the money set aside. If I don't do it now, I will want to before I get too sick and further incapable of taking care of myself. I'd frankly be happy to be isolated shut in. I grew up that way and desperately wish I was back more then I've wanting anything for myself. The older I get, the more f@cked up I see that I am. I can't turn it off. I never had children, somehow I knew not to. My gift to them was to just not have them in the first place. That should of been my gift to my SO. Now, We are both a wreck while he watches me deteriorate. He knows I'm not ok and I think is even starting to distance himself also, If I can't make it work with him, then that part is done. I don't want to try again with anyone. I've been on medication. At least a dozen. All with horrible side effects. That's common. . I've lost the ability to drive myself to a therapist, I can't drive anymore, frankly I don't care either. I want my brain to stop
  3. I want to die also.

    Hi. I appreciate your reply. Sorry for your pain.
  4. It's been 16 years since the woman who raised me died a Long painful death. She was my only real family. She suffered (for my sake) and I never knew how much until I was older. It seems to get harder as an adult and I learn more sides of life. More light is shed on situations and actions. The more years go by, the more I miss her, morn her suffering, and appreciate her. .. for all these reasons it gets harder as time passes. It's made me an angry person. I realize it's been a cancer in me all this time. That brings me to... I have an illness that's effecting my bones, soft tissue and nerves. Evey year I loose more functions. I've lost the ability to my job that I'm passionate about. I'm certain my anger and sadness progress it faster. I fear the day I'm dependent on my SO to physically take care of me. I get angry at him too. I'm still able to adjust physically for basic self care but I'm emotionally conflicted to die. 2 failed attempts and Many times I have researched plans so that it's most reliable, responsible and least work/trama for others. Then a friend's wife commuted suicide this year and it struck me, to see her pain. For the past month I've been reading forums of the survivors support groups. I imagine my SO. Just the fact of you sharing these personal stories public (when you don't have to) has helped me save my SO from much. him in and I are in trouble though, worse every day. I want to save him from this, whatever that answer is. My questions for anyone reading and willing to comment.. 1. Is there anything who wants to die with their passed loved one.. after all this time. Or gotten an illness instigated after their loved one died? 2. Is there anything that could help make a loved ones or former loved ones wish to die, more tolerable? Certain words in a note they could of said? Certain precautions or arrangements they could of made? What about when the time comes where they are unable to care for themselves?
  5. I feel the exact same way and it's been 16 yrs. Sometimes I just can not comprehend that It's forever, I remember her death like yesterday. Some pains seem to get harder as I realize more as an adult. I think of her every single day. Time flys by so fast I can't believe I've lived without her and she hasn't existed in real life for 16 years . at times, I get to the point where I feel like she was just a figment of my imagination, I miss her so much. I fruitlessly bargain with the powers that be, What I wouldn't be willing to give for one more year, month, week, hour, etc. something. All the things I would ask, say or give for her. All the things I wish I knew then. I just don't know if I'll ever see her again. That kills my heart to this day,
  6. Brian I've been in her shoes. I've acted out like that in anger and lashed out at loved ones. (Painful to me to say) So much so that I wanted to take my own life in the past. So, I feel I can relate to her and give a few word. In fact, save it and re read it on occasion. In my personal opinion, it sounds like you offered her everything she could of asked for. Had you let her continue as she was, you would of been enabling her and endangering your children's stability. The road she sounds like she was on, was so far out, so deep and dark... (I'm so lucky I didn't fall into substance addiction too) It's so easy to keep following them until you have ruined yourself and your relationship. you have to let go. Sounds like she then left you to keep going deeper. That must of been painful to watch. She was suffering the kind of agony that only she could decide what to do with it. It sounds like her pain was unbearable. the addictions, the rage, the blaming, the married man.. the suicide .. all self coping with that inner termoil. Grief and emotions mess with your head to distort things. You'd be a psychopath if you didn't feel confliction and grief about it. Please consider Counseling as you were dragged in so deep you may want some sort of help to get out. Ps.. This might sound nuts but,,,, were there good times that you remember? You could perhaps do a good deed in her name? Plant a tree, donate to an animal or food shelter in her name. Something that honors a good part about her? Sometimes that helps with closure. Please consider finding a counselor (or even a book, I read a lot) that you like either way.
  7. Silent Grief

    Hi Nina. Is writing this way easier? Coukd you write pieces of it like a short story? Paint? Draw? There is more then one way to express it. Either way, it's a great start what you wrote here. Its 16 years for me. It always stays with you, you just learn how to carry it. Some days still gets to me a little extra. I'm trying to focus more of the energy on doing something that honors her. I'm Seeing if that helps. Also it's ok to have some to yourself. To work through it with your own head at times. Just getting stuck there, can be damaging, as it sounded like you concluded.
  8. It's normal but also remember not to compare it to the new relationship feeling. That pressure will kill it too. You're at a familiar stage and those can take work to revive sexually. But yes, grieving attacks all your senses. There is no clear date when that all floods back. Ya know. I know when I put my mind in places to distance myself from my SO, seeing him at work with others, reminding myself others would love to have him, or think about losing him another way, or plan dates where we are new to each other.. etc.. that can help snap my brain out of a rut. I'm not a professional or anything so maybe books or counseling/experts are a good idea. Good luck hun. This is normal. Hang in there.
  9. You must have so many questions.. did they rule it a suicide specifically or just rule the fire intentional? What did they rule the death? A suicide or accident? i agree that fire is a very unpopular method.
  10. Oh hun...that was a self destructive dance he was in for a while and was not intending to stop any time soon. Please please get some counseling to help. He dragged you in so far that I hope you do not try to figure this out alone. The danger of getting into another self destructive dance is very real. Please take care of yourself.
  11. Hello Corey's mom. I am so very sorry. i think it's so fitting that you said you keep getting in your own way. It's like a brand new body part that you have to learn to carry around. Forgein and disorienting. I think over all you start to get use to it more then anything, learn how to live with it. You will and do have choices as to the ways you live with it, so that will be important. In the meantime, it might feel more like you are helpless and the pain will feel endless. I can only say, breath and hold on. To me, the body just can't handle all the grief at once, so it learns how to break it down and put it in places. it goes in stages. It is a particularly intense, painful and choppy ride at first. After 16 years I can say it's let up in a lot of ways. I miss them daily of course but still have moments when it's a real punch in the gut. I recently started listening to medication audios for grieving loss of a loved one. As my loved one use to say...Bless your heart