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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie


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Everything posted by M88

  1. A minute and a half.

    Joel, I am so sorry for your loss of your precious wife, Kat. The title of your thread, says it all. Our lives can be irreversibly changed forever, in such a short time. Your photos are all lovely - thank you for sharing. I’m glad you have family and grandchildren close by. You will need their ongoing support and they will give your changed life, purpose. You will feel lost for a very long time to come. I still feel hopelessly lost most of the time and I’ve just recently entered my third year of widowhood. Grief is very demanding and the adjustment to living without one’s soulmate is excruciatingly painful and slow. Grief will not be rushed. It struck me hard the other day when I realised that I can no longer say that my hubby was killed last year. His death still feels so recent. A sudden loss comes with it’s own challenges. Your mind will take a long time to process the events of the night you lost your wife. In time, the images and trauma do become less intense. Your mind, body and soul has also taken a battering like no other. I hope that sink full of dishes indicate that you are eating. Keep it up as being ill whilst grieving deeply is the pits. Our mantra here is to take each day as they come. Sometimes this needs to be done by the hour. Rest assured, your Kat will be smiling down on your son, bursting with pride, at his graduation. I hope you feel her spirit with you and hear her voice. Sending you strength and hugs.
  2. excellent youtube video

    Thank you for the link, Tineke. That was an excellent presentation.
  3. I am deeply sorry for your loss, Idwfb. My heart fair aches for you as I understand your pain. My fit, healthy, happy partner kissed me goodbye one morning and was killed by a careless driver within 2 hours of his leaving home. He was walking on the footpath when and two others were mowed down. The driver didn’t stop until he hit two cars out on the highway, injuring one of those drivers. Our minds, bodies and souls take a huge hit when a healthy soulmate suffers a senseless, sudden, traumatic death. It is hard to bear our loss, and we have no option but to bear it. It’s been two years since my hubby was killed and most days I still think this really can’t have happened. It takes some getting your head around. And this poxy road called grief is the pits. But, we are here to support each other. We understand how deeply you will be hurting. Are you saying that the Police aren’t giving you any information? Have you not received the short version of the post mortem ? As I’ve told the Police here many times, as gory as it sounds, a widow often has a great need to know everything about their spouses death. We need that knowledge so we can properly process our loss. We need to look after ourselves. You will no doubt have already learnt how difficult it is, to do that. We have to push ourselves to do even the most basic things like shower and eat healthy food. Grief is very demanding and when we least need to practice self-discipline, we must, just to survive each day. I hope you will find the compassion, understanding and support that I’ve found here, on the forum. There are a few of us who have lost our beloved men in road crashes and there can be a lot of legal issues which follow. Feel free to write about anything here. You are among kindred spirits. Know you’re in my thoughts. Sending you strength, love and hugs XX
  4. Thank you, Azipod. No, it wasn’t my time, thank god. I have a lot of unfinished business. During the Medical event, and by no means was it looking or feeling like a quick, pain free death, I was saddened to think I hadn’t been given long enough to finish the work in getting justice for my dear man, and fighting for the changes that will prevent further deaths such as the nature of his. I felt like I’d failed him - that nothing positive would now come from his senseless death. Had I died, my daughter, who has been very much involved in the legal battles would have been far too distraught with grief to continue with them, and I’d hope she wouldn’t give them another thought. But, as it turns out, my darling hubby is still very much with me - still giving me strength and guiding me as he’s done since I brought him home in spirit, from the scene of his death. I hope nothing will prevent me from giving my children strength, like my hubby has me, from beyond the grave. Yes Kay, I have my daughter. We are very close and my greatest pleasure these past few months has been to see her enjoying her life again. I do try and keep the true state of my emotions and life as it is now, from her, but she is too perceptive by far, bless her. It is very, very rare indeed that Gerry communicates with me whilst I am indoors, which has me wondering if those of you who don’t have spiritual contact with your beloveds, live where you can spend time outdoors? I’d also be interested to know if others who do have contact, find it comes much more readily when outdoors?
  5. Why are we here anyway?

    Thank you, Carmen. And thank you for the lovely compliment but to be honest, I spend more time being a pain in the butt to professional people than I do helping others. I saw some excellent supportive work going on at the hospital on Thursday. A couple of retiree’s, volunteers running errands for both patients and medical staff - and sitting chatting with patients when not busy. It’s something I’ll consider doing when I move to the city. I found it so tough being at hospital under such frightening circumstances without my dear man. They could see that, and came and chatted at various times with me. Yes, we become much more intertwined with our soulmates than one could ever imagine. The sudden separation akin to an amputation. We are left with no choice but to learn to how to live without our beloveds - an excruciating painful ordeal. Here in our wee grief family, we are free to express ourselves knowing we will be totally understood. No one will respond with an empty platitude. I’m smiling about your lad groaning about your lack of photo resizing skills - and about your cheeky hubby poking his tongue out in the next one He obviously had a good sense of humour. It is really only with a soulmate that we feel uninhited enough to do these fun, childish things. When we get to the stage of being able to smile, or smile and cry, at pix, we realise we are making some progress along this pot hole ridden road, called grief. Same as when we recall lovey outings or times we shared with our soulmates and can almost feel the warm fuzzies, we’d felt at the time. The butterfly is gorgeous - the colours stunning! Are they normally so unafraid that they’d land on you? Without doubt, nature is calming and healing. It’s great when a humble sparrow or a blackbird can lift one’s sadness a little. When I got into photography a few years back, Gerry grew to love coming with me on native forest walks and fell in love with the Kereru also. He was always on the lookout for them and although we don’t normally see many in our area, they’ve played a big part in signs sent from him. Begining on the day of his Funeral. Two sat in a tree in the church yard next door - one facing our home, the other with it’s back to us. The sight brought tears to many of us. I’d not seen them in that particular tree before and haven’t done since. It’s a window I look out of a lot. Strength, love and hugs.
  6. I take back what I wrote in this earlier post of mine - about not fearing death.. I feared it last Thursday on the 2nd anniversary of my darlings death, when my daughter and I came within a cats whisker from a serious collision with a speeding young driver who did not give way. On our way to the Cemetery to lay flowers on my dear man’s grave! And I sure as hell feared it when I woke at 3.45 this Thursday morning (the 2nd anniversary of having buried him) gasping for breath. I fought like mad to get air into my lungs. My darlings spirit is alive and well, urging me to ph the emergency #. I was gasping so bad I wasn’t able to tell the woman on the emergency line where I lived, but she located me via my landline. I have never been so terrified in all my life. I felt so sure I was going to die without having yet obtained justice for my man. I was graded as a Stat 2 by the local medics and another ambulance was sent up from the city hospital. I think you’d be surprised at how hard the mind and body fight to stay alive, when it comes to the crunch. I am darned grateful to be home with my faculties intact, and will soon be picking up where I left off with my legal battles. And saving for the holiday I plan to have! Sending strength, love and hugs.
  7. Why are we here anyway?

    I’m so sorry for your loss, Carmen. Your Bobby was blessed and appreciative I bet, to have his loving wife by his side, knowing you were doing all within your powers, to help him. I so agree with what you say about end of life care. My feelings and thoughts on that subject, echo yours. Thanks for sharing your lovely pic Grief is such a rough ride, very demanding of us and as you say, doesn’t need an appointment. It often comes back to kick us down again just when we feel we’re making some headway. I’ve just entered my third year - I had to retype that number as I still can’t get my head around it, because my darlings death still feels so recent! Nearly all of us here are trying to find out who we are, now. It will take time - Grief will not be rushed. The loss of a much loved partner changes almost everything in our world, as we knew it. I doubt an hour passes without me thinking of my Gerry. Life is very difficult without him. Anything and everything that can go wrong, does and has, but one has to keep soldiering on taking each day as it comes and look for any small joy in each of them. I’m sure you’ll find the compassion, understanding and support here, that I have. Sending you strength love and hugs XX
  8. I’m new to Facebook but ‘Deep Grief Great Love Group Page’ is a favourite page already.
  9. I feel it may help new members of our grief family if 'we' shared the things that we found helpful throughout the first few tortuous months of grief. Nearly all of the things I've listed still apply 20 months into my grief. Constant reminder to self - one hour, or one day at a time. Quotes placed in various areas of my home. Chatting with friends on phone throughout my toughest hours each day. Sitting/laying on deck at night looking up at the stars & talking with my late hubby. Grief counselling. Informed friends and neighbours that if drapes still closed, I wasn't yet ready for visitors. Talking with GP and nurses. Introduction to hypnotherapy by qualified psychologist/hypnotherapy. Hypnotherapy now via youtube for anxiety and sleep. Subscribed to Netflix. Grazed on easy healthy foods throughout the day, and eat chocolate and crisps at night. Took the only thing in my home that initially brought me any comfort - my bedroom, and made it even more comforting and warmer with new bed linen and low lighting. Bought ipad & bluetooth box thingee and headphones so I could do what I needed to from my only place of comfort. Low lighting in lounge. Very long showers. Said stuff the power bill, and turned up the heat so I wasn't both cold and miserable. Set up auto payments for bills. Have various friends come for a couple of nights every now'n again. I love having visitors stay, but two nights at a time seems to be all I can cope with at present. Had to let go of the people in my life who were making my grief more difficult to bear. Nurturing new friendships.
  10. I’m glad you found the thread helpful. Floyd. Good thinking re the movie pass. I’ve also just recently cancelled Netflix. Inspirational quotes are my thing now.
  11. How did we end up here..?

    Hello Osmara, I’m very sorry for the loss of your beloved Denis. I hope you will find the support, compassion and understanding that I’ve found here. My Gerry was funny and goofy also. I so miss all the silly sayings and habits that developed over our 22 years together. My tummy still does a sickening flip when I see or hear something silly said or done that was ‘ours’. Maybe it always will. The fear part of grief is something we all experience, as our futures have been whipped out from under us - we have lost our place in the world as we knew it, and if our loved ones death was sudden or traumatic, often our sense of safety as well. That you are enjoying nature is good. I learnt very quickly that to stay sane, I had to take anything that made me feel a little better and build on it. I’ve not progressed much in that area as yet. Initially my bedroom was the only place I felt even remotely safe, so I bought a few new bits and bobs to make it more cosy. We too loved the outdoors but so far I’ve only felt the odd, very short feeling of pleasure that nature used to bring me. None of my old interests have returned. I sometimes wonder if they won’t and if not, will it matter? Maybe those nice parts of my life died with my darling. I can’t use the words new normal. There’s a few words that bug me because I associate them with happy times - journey springs to mind. Reading quotes helps me considerably. There are masses to be found via google images. I print meaningful and inspirational ones off and have some placed in different rooms. Plus I look at them in my iPad most nights. There are a lot that could go a long way to informing friends and family as to how grief is affecting you. In hindsight, I should have had some of those ones in my living room so some of my visitors over the holiday period could read them - they may have saved me snapping at them for the stupid things some of them were saying. Some folk think that because we finally had the driver who killed my darling charged, then convicted back in October, that I should give up trying to have the same done for the second person I hold equally responsible for his death, go and ‘start living my life again’ !! I have just recently realised that only I can do something about feeding my starving soul, so I’ve set myself a long term goal to save for a much needed holiday. Somewhere different to where my hubby and I would normally choose to go. Most of my closest friends live far from me now and will be disappointed that I don’t take them up on their offers to visit them but they’ll get over it. I need to do what I feel will hopefully nourish my soul. I send you strength, love and hugs Osmara XX
  12. I send you lots of hugs, Oz girl. We understand your pain and fears as we’ve all been or are still experiencing them. Like you, we couldn’t see how we could survive the agony, the emptiness in our lives, but somehow we just do, whether we like it or not. The way I handle mine is to remind myself to take one 1/4 or one 1/2 hour at a time - I was a dedicated clock watcher for a very long time. I also listen to hypnotherapy and mediation videos on youtube - a lot! This gives our much overloaded minds, bodies and souls a mini break from our trauma. I initially had consultations with a psychologist who was also a qualified hypnotherapist. But, I have no problem recommending anyone listen to these type of videos on youtube - they’re quite safe. I stay away from the ones with weird titles, though. We often find that we struggle to get through particular times of the day or night. Do you have friends that you can ph or have them ph you, or come to just be with you when you find your pain at it’s worst? Using the search function at the top of the page to read about others journeys was also a help to me. I will bump up a thread on changes some of us made to help us endure the pain. Sending you strength, love and hugs.
  13. What life is left now?

    You’re welcome, Floyd. I’m glad you’re looking into grief support groups. We don’t have one in my village but there has been a lot of deaths here in the past couple of years and a number of us visit and support each other in any way we can. I also did my research before I joined up. We are bearing our pain and souls to the world, mind you, the only people searching for this type of forum will be hurting, grieving folk. I like that you’ll not hear empty platitudes spouted off here. We have to tolerate enough of those from those well meaning folk around us. Working our way through grief for a partner is a tough slog and we tell it like it is. There’s no sense in kidding ourselves otherwise. Living just one hour or one day at a time is the slogan around here. There’s usually someone around here 24/7 as we come from a few corners of the globe, and of course sleep doesn’t come easy to many of us. Time spent on here is time well spent in my opinion as we can learn so much from each other. Know you’re in my thoughts. Strength love and hugs.
  14. What life is left now?

    Awe, Floyd, I feel your pain. I am so sorry for your loss and the trauma associated with finding your much loved girlfriend, passed away. We feel like half of us has been ripped away from us because that’s exactly what has happened - death has stolen our other halves, our soulmates. I’m glad you found us and have posted. We here on the forum, have experienced a beautiful, not so easily found love. A love that has made our lives feel complete, and now we suffer deeply. Our mind, body and souls are so battered and bruised with our loss. Here we are among others who really understand the depth of each other’s pain. By sharing our pain and experiences we can help each other endure this ordeal. Those further down this terrible road called grief, offer newer ones hope that the pain will ease in time, and it does ease a little in time, but so so gradually we don’t notice it. We need to do stuff that allows us to release some of our pain. Let the tears flow. You say you want to scream - if you can’t go to an outdoor place where you can scream in private, scream into your pillow. You want to punch a wall - beat the **** out of your couch or get yourself one of those punching bag thingees. I hope you will find the understanding, compassion and support that I have here. Keep reading the threads and posting. Rants are healing and are welcome here, Floyd. Sending you strength, love and hugs.
  15. I'm Struggling please help !!

    Good on you on all counts, Ritchie! I can tell from your post that your foster dog is giving your soul some of the nourishment it needs. I’ve toyed with the idea of fostering dogs - once grief and my current life isn’t so demanding. In the meantime I’ll continue to enjoy the neighbours cat and my daughters horses, cows, chooks and cats when I visit her. All the best.
  16. Hi AutoC, I think it was about 18 months after my hubby’s death, that I stopped expecting him to be where he’d always been at particular times of the day. It kinda felt like another loss but after that realisation I was able to pack up most of his clothes and give them to a charity. He’s still very much in my thoughts, every hour of every day though.
  17. Cannot unsee it

    I am so very sorry for what you are going through, Just Tris. I can’t imagine the trauma you’re going through. I do hope you have supportive, loving folk around you. I wasn’t with my hubby when he was killed in a terrible manner, but it didn’t stop my mind from imagining it. The nightmares were horrendous and sleeping tablets were a must for me - still are, but on a much reduced dosage. My whole sense of safety was ripped out from under me and I also had nightmares about other family members meeting terrible deaths. I had a few consults with a Psychologist, who was also a qualified hypnotherapist. I’ve also been dealing with another trauma and was desperate to have an image relating to it, ripped from imy brain. Personally, lots of hypnotherapy has saved my sanity and both terrible images have thankfully, softened over time. The Psychologist I consulted with recorded our hypno sessions, but she didn’t have a soothing voice. I found just what I needed on YouTube. There are many different hypnotherapists to choose from with vids on there. I found Michael Sealey and Jason Stephenson very good and have recently started listening to others. Hypnotherapy and meditation gives your brain a much needed break from the trauma and ruminating. I initially needed to listen to a number of videos each day, but now doing so just at bedtime and when I wake in the night, is sufficient. I’ve also had consults with a specialised grief therapist, which also helped a lot. This particular forum isn’t very busy, so pop over to this one where I hope you will find the support, understanding and compassion you need. http://forums.grieving.com/index.php?/forum/15-loss-of-a-partner/ Sending you strength, love and hugs XX
  18. and I’ve only survived with my sanity intact because of my fight for justice for him. My darling man, Gerry, loved me to bits and me him and he gave me a quality of life I would not have had, if not for him. I’m glad I always made sure he knew how much I appreciated all he did to make my dreams come true. It is 1.30 am, I’ve been looking at photos of the life we created together, I’ve had a good healing cry and as I don’t envisage getting much sleep tonight, rather than tell his death story, I’d like to share our love story with you. I was 38 and he 45 when we started seeing each other romantically. We had both been raising our kids alone for years and would see each other when dropping our young sons, who were best buddies since starting school, off at each others homes for weekends. I’d always take his lad camping and fishing and Gerry would do fun stuff like motor biking and go carting at his place with my lad. I’d even have his lad to stay whilst he went out on the odd date - after getting together we’ve always laughed about that and I’m smiling about it now - on this, the second anniversary of his death If he can read my thoughts, I know he’ll be smiling too I had never thought of him in the romantic sense and when he declared his long held feelings for me on the phone one night, i was gobsmacked ! It took a while but we eventually had our first date camping and fishing - it didn’t take long for me to realise he was my kinda guy. I was raised on a small farm and had always itched for my own piece of land to run our horses on, rather than renting a paddock. When Gerry and I felt we had a good, loving stable relationship and were confident our families would blend together successfully, we sold our homes in town and bought 14 acres on the edge of town. We all had a ball on that piece of land, each of us had space to pursue our interests. All was awesome until his ex started putting her oar in. It was like she couldn’t bear to see how happy her kids were and she did her best to spoil what we had. We got through that unpleasantness and later when the kids were all doing their own thing, we bought more productive land in a different area. I initially hand- raised bobby calves which I absolutely loved doing and it added to our finances. It was hard physical work so I ended up accumulating a wee herd of 13 Jersey cows which I bred and trained for the lifestyle (homesteaders) market. I also mothered bobby calves onto the cows. I adorned my beautiful cows but I couldn’t have farmed without my darlings help. He was an engineer and worked in town but always gladly did the heavier work around the farm at the weekend and thoroughly enjoyed our lifestyle. I eventually had to give up farming due to my failing physical health, so we moved to the coast to enjoy living near the sea for a change. Again we had land but just 5 acres and ran a few sheep. Gerry worked for a couple of years here in the village, before retiring at 65. We sold the land and bought a wee house on a street that has the beach at the end of it. Sadly, we only got to have two years of retirement before he was tragically killed. He was a wonderful man. He was kind, caring and loving, would help anyone who needed a hand, had a great sense of humour but best of all - he loved me to bits. We completed each other’s life. He knew he was well loved. He would have done anything to ensure my happiness and stayed as healthy as possible and now I am doing everything I can to ensure I get justice for him. Sadly, these two poems I found on the net, now tell our story.
  19. I’ve been doing much soul searching since escaping the near collision on Thursday. I feel I have to change my mindset so that I’m not just ‘existing’ from one day to the next, for the rest of my days. I’ve realised that my soul is not just battered and bruised, but is starving from lack of nourishment. I’ve realised that when my darling was with me, we were continually nourishing each others souls. Now I need to nourish my soul in a different way. I’ve realised that only ‘I’ can bring about something good, something positive, occurring in my life that will once again nourish my soul. As my needs are vastly different now, something different, something which will make some nice new memories and make my long term future, more bearable. I desperately need a good long spell of rest and relaxation - somewhere new, somewhere different to where my late hubby and I would normally choose to go. Now that I’ve had this epiphany, I have a goal to work towards. It won’t be easy as I still have many legal issues to work through, but by god, I shall scrimp and save to have a holiday, maybe in the vicinity of Fiji - friendly people so I’m told, good wholesome food and warm waters to swim in.
  20. I am sorry for your losses, Gabby. I can’t imagine how difficult it must be grieving for two signicant people in your life. Just a thought to tide you over till you get to see a counselor, maybe use the search function at the top of the page to find earlier posts. You’ve come to a good place so keep posting. I hope you will find the understanding, compassion and support here, that I have found Take it an hour or a day at a time. Sending strength, love and hugs.
  21. lost of husband

    I am sorry for your loss, lyn. It’s a sad fact that death brings out the worst in some family members. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this crap. It often gets worse as time goes on so to get the peace and healing we need. we sometimes have to let those problem people go from our lives. Sending you strength, love and hugs.
  22. Don't know what to say

    Lovingstill, you’re not crazy at all for thinking your partner exists elsewhere and is giving you guidance. Hold tight to those beliefs. I’m sorry you have ADHD. That would make meditation difficult, but I’m glad you can sleep OK. Perhaps look for shorter meditation videos. I nearly always nod off whilst listening to hypno and meditation videos, but the silence when they finish wakes me up. Today a friend suggested I look for a setting so it keeps replaying. Don’t know why I hadn’t thought of doing that! We so need our minds to have frequent breaks from continue stress and ruminating. Azipod, no we will never be cured from our loss, we will carry our hurt and our love for our partners forever in our hearts, but hopefully one day find some pleasure in life again. Although I have a purpose in the wake of my darlings death and this purpose gets me out of bed each morning, the enthusiasm of a new day, died with him. Grief is very demanding. Everything I do takes great effort and energy and I don’t imagine it being any different for any other member of our wee grief family, here on the forum. But, there does come a time when we need to make an effort to take notice of our lives, our surroundings and acknowledge anything that may even slightly lighten our day - our empty, day to day existence. I’ve seen a couple of glorious sunrises lately and remembered with love times when my darling would wake me if he saw good colour in the dawn sky, so I could go to one of my pre-planned possies to photograph it. More often than not he’d have coffee in my thermos ready to grab on my way out the door. When we renovated we had a window placed to best see the dawn sky from our bed. Maybe one day I will chase the light again, or perhaps the interest will never return. Either way, I am again marvelling at the beauty of the sky. Hang in there guys. Life gets a little easier to bear so very gradually that we don’t recognise it’s happening.
  23. Don't know what to say

    It’s well worth discussing medication with your GP, Djh. Consults with a GP are part of practising self care. Before our court case, my GP prescribed Propranolol which is supposed to help with anxiety, but it didn’t work for me. I’ve recently had a change of sleeping tablet, which thank god, is helping me get more sleep.
  24. Yes, it was terrifying, KayC. Here Police only respond via He emergency # if a collision has actually taken place. We have to call another designated # to report dangerous/careless driving. I’ve had no luck in finding the person who witnessed our near collision but heard many horror stories from drivers of cars similar to the one I’m looking for. No gossip at the local shop, so perhaps they aren’t local. My daughter has emailed the pix she took through to the Police Officer in her area, who is following it up. No news as yet.