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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie


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About M88

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

Profile Information

  • Gender
  • Loss Type
    Partner - killed by out of control driver.
  • Angel Date
    11 Jan 2016

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373 profile views
  1. Offline awhile

    KayC - I would love to say Happy Birthday and know you’d feel some joy. I will say I hope someone does something nice for you, and hope your day improves. Take care. Your encouraging posts will be missed. Strength and hugs Xx
  2. Two Months...

    I feel your pain LoveGoli. It wasn’t so long ago that I was feeling it as intensely as you are. We never forget it and we further down the grief road ache for those of you newer to grief. I still can’t refer to it as a ‘journey’ because journey is such a beautiful word. All my life journeys have always been looked forward to, been fun and exciting, so I call it the grief road. Whoever coined the phrase ‘grief is hard work’ isn’t wrong. I thought that phrase so silly when I first started seeing it popping up on the net. But I’ve learnt first hand that grief is friggen hard work. It was hard work to look at all our photos, play our videos, read every card hubby had written to me and mine to him, over and over for many months. I just had to do it and feel and absorb the torture as part of my grief. It was hard work to scrutinize every piece of my darlings handwriting over and over again. Read the sympathy cards and letters over and over again. Held the tools in his garage, touched every piece of his clothing, touched everything of his that I could think of. And I’ve relived every memory, felt the emotions I felt at the time we made those memories. I’ve spent untold hours staring at the flames in my fire and my ceiling. I’ve gone outside and shaken my fist at the sky, cursed and swore at him for leaving me and for leaving me to sort out very serious **** on his side of the family. It was living hell on earth for many months but I now realise I had to get these things out of my system to enable healing to begin. None of the hard work has been a waste of time. Then comes the day when you find yourself smiling at your loves photos instead of howling and crying. It will surprise you and soon, but not right away, you will realise you’ve turned a corner and your loss and your life begins to get a little easier. We all grieve in our own way and time. My hubby was killed 90 weeks ago. I love him and miss him with every fibre of my being and I think about him many, many times each day, but not all day every day like I used to. I am so grateful for the time I had with my kind, loving man. I am grateful that he chose me to spend the rest of his life with. We had a special love, had our ups and downs like most couples but we had wonderful years together. He made me a better person. We knew each other as well as we knew ourselves and had discussed what we thought we would do if one of us died. My happiness meant a lot to my hubby. He would want me to grieve him, remember him with love and affection always, but get back into living and find some enjoyment in life again. And that is what I am going to do. Nearly every aspect of my life has changed and I still have much work to do in his honour, but, I will also start doing things, going more places and be open to finding happiness again. I’m learning that rejoining the living requires more hard work. It still takes a lot of self-discipline to get things done. Grief attacks and meltdowns still occur. Like almost all the women here, I still don’t bother with make-up, clothes etc. I am no longer houseproud and have to push myself to get basic housework done. I haven’t regained interest in any of my old hobbies but I do think about them, still have no desire to read for pleasure. Still haven’t weeded my much loved gardens or tidied my yard, or washed my car or my homes windows. There are lots of things I haven’t done, but I am spending more time with people in my neighbourhood, my family and friends. These people can have me crying with laughter again and that is something I totally never expected I’d ever do again!! I help my neighbours or anyone I see who could do with a hand, whenever I can and I get pleasure from doing it.
  3. Two Months...

    This is where I'm at now. I too would not have believed I would ever get used to living without my hubby, let alone get used to living by myself. We are so distraught in the early months and adjustment occurs so gradually that don't realise it's happening. I now 'need' time alone in which to continue the grieving process, but I love having various friends come stay for a night or two, every two or three weeks. And I still spend a couple of hours on the ph each day. A yearning to do some of the things 'we' used to enjoy, has also gradually awakened in me. Grief attacks and meltdowns still occur without notice, but not as often. The 'tummy flipping over' sensation when I see or hear something that reminds me of him, or his death, still occurs often. Azipod - that is a very good explanation!
  4. Signs

    LoveGoli - I am so pleased you are getting some strong signs - they are so comforting. Long may his songs continue to play for you. I've had a lot of them and another I've just remembered is a pretty little pink shell I found on the floor, on his side of the bed. It must have caught on his clothing or sock when we were last at the beach, which is at the end of my street. I wish I could remember our last time there, but alas I can't, as we used to go often. The number 88 keeps randomly cropping up in my life now, on the back of old family professionally taken photo of his, a pic of him as a toddler in a peddle car with #88 on it's side, paperwork - can't recall what at the moment, my new phone #randomly allotted me has 88 & two single 8's in it, our street #, an old street # from his youth, our burial plot is #8 row8 - it is double depth to allow for my joining him so possibly 8ft deep, he raced a car a few years ago #88. I should keep a list!
  5. Paluka, don't let anyone rush you into doing things you are not ready for. My heart aches for you as you need time and privacy to grieve for your wife and reflect on your marriage. Your mind, body and soul has just taken the biggest battering it will ever know. If you can't begin the grieving process now in a healthy way, it will catch up on you in a more negative way further down the track. Grief will not tolerate being bottled up for long. Sending strength and hugs to you.
  6. I'm so sorry for your loss, Paluka. But I am glad you found us. I hope you will find the love, support and compassion that I've found here. If you have a facebook account, this is a good page for quotes 'Deep Grief Great Love Group Page' otherwise google images has a big selection. I hope you'll find some that will bring you comfort. We were newly retired and when my darling hubby was killed I was left in the unusual situation where I had to keep my wits about me and use my brain like never before. Our step family began unravelling very soon after hubbys tragic death and the police weren't interested in doing their job in finding out 'what led to' my hubby being killed and other pedestrians injured, so my daughter and I made our own enquiries. We then had to get the hierarchy in the Police involved so a balanced investigation could be carried out within the few weeks left in which to do so. The trial of the man who killed him begins in 3 weeks time - 21 months later! My lawyer also mucked me about, so I currently have a number of complaints against him before the standards committee of the Law Society. I can easily recall every detail of our case, and my lawyers poor work and later his lies in an attempt to cover his backside, but I struggle to remember what day of the week it is, the date, even the month and the names of everyday stuff. I now live in a weird world - a far cry from the quiet, contented life hubby and I enjoyed. As eagle said, 'we' need to make the effort to keep contact with supportive friends and family too. Grief is hard work and requires so much self-discipline just to get simple things done. We have 101 things that need dealing with when we are least up to doing so, and unless they're directly involved in helping us, most folk won't understand that. Strength and hugs. .
  7. Yes, LoveGoli - it didn't help with my recently aquired driving/road travel phobia which I initially went to see the psychologist/hypnotherapist about, but a big help for stress and sleep. I don't always stay asleep, sometimes the silence wakes me - but when I wake I just press start again, or choose another. The video recordings can be up to an hour long and I haven't heard the end of one yet! There are many recordings on both hypno and Guided meditation, same thing really, to choose from on youtube. Two Guys I like listening to are Michael Sealey and Jason Stephenson. Nice studio recordings and listening through headphones extra good Hypno gives my mind a much needed rest. If listening to online hypno's sounds a bit scary, think about seeing a reputable, qualified hypnotherapist in a clinic first. If it helps, it sure beats taking medication. Grief is a terribly difficult emotion to live with day in day out. Know that my heart goes out to you LoveGoli. Sending you strength, love and hugs Xx
  8. I feel it may help new members of our grief family if 'we' shared the things that we found helpful throughout the first few tortuous months of grief. Nearly all of the things I've listed still apply 20 months into my grief. Constant reminder to self - one hour, or one day at a time. Quotes placed in various areas of my home. Chatting with friends on phone throughout my toughest hours each day. Sitting/laying on deck at night looking up at the stars & talking with my late hubby. Grief counselling. Informed friends and neighbours that if drapes still closed, I wasn't yet ready for visitors. Talking with GP and nurses. Introduction to hypnotherapy by qualified psychologist/hypnotherapy. Hypnotherapy now via youtube for anxiety and sleep. Subscribed to Netflix. Grazed on easy healthy foods throughout the day, and eat chocolate and crisps at night. Took the only thing in my home that initially brought me any comfort - my bedroom, and made it even more comforting and warmer with new bed linen and low lighting. Bought ipad & bluetooth box thingee and headphones so I could do what I needed to from my only place of comfort. Low lighting in lounge. Very long showers. Said stuff the power bill, and turned up the heat so I wasn't both cold and miserable. Set up auto payments for bills. Have various friends come for a couple of nights every now'n again. I love having his but two nights at a time seems to be all I can cope with at present. Had to let go of the people in my life who were making my grief more difficult to bear. Nurturing new friendships.
  9. Don't know what to say

    Because the driver of that semi and his loved ones and the loved ones of other motorists he may crash into whilst trying to avoid hurting you, will suffer for the rest of their lives. The extreme pain we, all here, have had foisted upon us sucks big time, but working our way through it and rebuilding our lives is something our late partners would all want us to do. They have lost their lives, they wouldn't want us to hurt ourselves or others. We need to honor our soul-mates lives and do whatever it takes to get through our grief. It's frigg'n tough, but participation on this forum, the only way we've found to be among others who really understand what we are going through, is the best thing any of us can do for ourselves at this point in our lives. Even though some of us have been here for a while and have found our own ways which help us get through each day, each night, our hearts and souls still ache something terrible for our partners. We also love and want them back. We don't read new posts, reply to them and turn off to others pain and suffering - our hearts ache for those people as well. Our grief has brought us together and we gain the comfort, understanding, compassion and friendship that we can't find within our families and friends. Sadly, acceptance and adjustment comes much too slowly but with it comes a new found, deep empathy for others and an ability to love others much more easily - our hearts grow much larger. Sending strength, love and lots of hugs.
  10. Don't know what to say

    Yes Djh. I've had to deal with a lot of heavy issues. As yet, despite my attempts to resolve them, more just keep coming. I often ask why the hell have I been left to sort them out and I hear my late hubby say 'because you're strong enough to do so'. He and I had such a contented lovely life prior to his death. I live in a vastly different world now. Strength and hugs.
  11. Want to share my experience.

    Oh, that is so right, KMB !! I hadn't looked upon Gerry's messages in that way. I truly love and respect your insight Hugs.
  12. Want to share my experience.

    It's lovely you have letters from Ed, KMB. I have all our cards we gave each other and I look at them often. They've mostly got the same message written in them, but I treasure each of them and like you, they sustain me today. Hugs
  13. Don't know what to say

    Lots of hugs, Djh. You can do it. Most of us here have thought we couldn't, but we are doing it. Continue coming here often and allow your most supportive friends into your life more - rely on them more. Ditch any that aren't supportive. My best friends and daughter all live out of the district, and my son overseas, so I told them what time of day was hardest for me so they phone then. I'm at a stage where I love to watch the few videos I have of Gerry. Love to hear his voice. It took a few months before I could, and there's still tears and pain every time, but watching them has got easier. I'm just so pleased I have them. In fact I must back them up. Sending strength, love and hugs.
  14. Lost and Confused

    Hello dharpster - I send lots of hugs to you. I am so sorry for your loss. And so sorry that your late husbands family have behaved so despicably to you - so wrong, sad and tragic!! I feel so angry for you!! I bet your husband would be very angry and disappointed with his family. What a gorgeous photo. Your husbands happiness is so obvious - his expression like the cat that got the cream - but he did better as he is the man who got the beautiful bride. I'm so glad you have found us now, we welcome you with open arms to our wee grief family. I know you will find compassion, understanding, comfort and love among us. With all the crap and trauma you've had to endure, you're likely still in shock and feeling like the empty shell we all feel, or remember so well. I do hope you feel you can release your pain with us and begin the grieving process. You will already be very familiar with the hollow 'aloneness' of widowhood. As we work through our grief and with time, that hollow aloneness gut-wrenching feeling does ease but it still hits you now'n again when you least expect it, but we learn coping skills which help us recover quicker. Again, I am so sorry you have lost so much and been treated so wickedly. Know we are here for you. Sending strength, love and hugs Xx