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About M88

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    Advanced Member

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  • Gender
  • Loss Type
    Partner - killed by out of control driver.
  • Angel Date
    11 Jan 2016

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  1. I am so sorry you had this bad experience, TooDevasted. Have faith in your feelings that your partner is around you, feelsyour pain, goes where you go, sees what you see. He will be reinforcing your feelings by sending signs that you will recognise as coming from him. Sending strength and hugs X
  2. Hiya TooDevasted - I don't doubt that your much loved partner remembers and treasures all that you shared and still feels your love. Our beloveds would relieve us of our pain and suffering if it was within their power to do so. But, don't be surprised if his spirit does visit you in the form of a bird until you are reunited A bird not common to your own environment. Neither my late hubby or I were/are religious, but there is life after death - again I have no doubts about that. Sending strength and love X
  3. Thank you all for sharing your thoughts on the quote. I dithered over whether to post it or not and am now glad I did. I feel it may have been written by someone who personally knows and understands the depths of grief. My heart aches for us all here on the Indigo forum, but especially so for the newly bereaved - hugs. We've all been the newly bereaved and know too well the pain, the rawness, the fear of almost anything and everything. It sits just below the surface of the 'brave front' we've learned to wear. Those of us who are a few months or years into this terrible ordeal referred to as the grief journey, are learning the art of living just in the day. It is the most valuable coping strategy that I remind myself of each day. We are trying to learn there is nothing to be gained from worrying, thinking about what tomorrow or the rest of our lives, may hold. Our expectations from life were knocked out of us smartly when we lost our much loved soul mates. I too have had a tough few days with very little sleep and found myself at times scarily close to the edge of the circle again. But, having dealt with some issues and accepted I have no control over others (serenity prayer is a godsend even when the word God is replaced with higher power! ) I finally had a reasonable sleep last night. Today I am pleasantly surprised to find that I haven't lost as much ground outside 'the circle that is the event' as I feared I may have. The stretchy area outside my circle now feels like my Bank of Healing and Coping - it was kept safe and fairly intact for me to return to after an absence due to turmoil. Sending strength and hugs Xx
  4. Well done Azipod, on attending the grief group. Like some of the other posters I wish zi had one in my area. After my loss, a grief therapist came to my home for consults once a fortnight for months as the manner of my late partners death brought on a phobia about travelling and driving - still very much an ongoing problem. Two of my neighbours are also newly widowed and the one who was widowed first is very keen for us three ladies to go have lunch at a cafe at a plant nursery a few miles away, Maybe one day in the not too distant future I'll be up to an outing like this, but not just yet. We were all very keen gardeners but I haven't regained any interest in my garden yet - I see it more as time consuming and unnecessary hardwork. Wishing you all the best with your groups. They sound helpul. Strength and hugs
  5. Wow, beautifully written, Mrs Plummer. Thanks for sharing with us xx
  6. I'd like to share this sentence that I quote from a book called 'Sophie's Legacy'. This sentence has been stuck on replay in my head since reading it a few days ago. It makes a nice change from some of the distressing comments made by the unremorseful man who killed my darling when I confronted him. The book is written by a local woman whose daughter's life was savagely taken by her (the daughters) ex-partner. Sophie's Mum relays part of a conversation she had with her grief counsellor. <“I asked him if we’d ever move on and he drew a diagram on paper saying the filled-in circle is the event and the outer circle is life. As time goes on, the event stays the same but life gets bigger and wider. While the event never goes away, life surrounding it changes.> I feel the counsellor answers her question very well. Maybe this will help others, as it has me. 18 months ago I was in a very dark place and never in a million years expected to experience any good emotions again. Yet, I've had a few wee glimpses of pleasure recently which have surprised me and given me hope that more will come my way - eventually. I no longer feel like that 'stranger to myself' or a 'stranger in my own home' and even in my own bed, that I had been for well over a year after my loss. Sending strength and hugs X
  7. Yes, I too love my bed and can relate to much of what you feel, apart from the wanting it to be the last time I sleep. It is uncanny that you write about bed at this time as although it is nearly 1.30 am, I've just been laying here thinking about how fortunate I am to still remember his scent, the warmth and feel of his silky skin, the contour of his body and his snoring. How we adored our new quality bed. How he loved cuddles, and how much we chatted and did a crossword in our bed each night. Feeling so at ease with each other and loving our life. I miss my late hubby with every fibre of my body and soul, but I wish to live for many more years. Not just for my awesome adult kids, but for their kids too. Because of the manner in which he was killed, and the poor help I received from the authorities I've had to deal with since, I have years of work ahead of me to make sure no other family has to go through the hell I did. The officer in charge of our case told me last night that one change has already been implemented at his Police Station. We hadn't long done alterations in our bedroom and put in an ensuite, before he ws killed. It was the first time we'd ever been able to create our wee haven exactly as we wanted it - but he's not here to enjoy it It was a long time after his death before I could get comfort from it, but I love it immensely again now - just wish I could actually get some quality sleep. Sending you strength and lots of hugs, Ghost.
  8. I found closing and changing bank accounts the most difficult, the most heartbreaking. I had a meltdown and thankfully the young woman was very patient and understanding. I thought I'd unsubscribed from all hubby's on-line groups and got a shock when a few Happy Birthday emails came through last week.
  9. Yes, it was a very, very special time, KayC. Upon us moving into town from the country three years ago, it didn't take his wife and I long to become close friends, nor to realize that we are kindred spirits In those three years her husband and I only ever chatted over the fence about our vegetable gardens and the weather. But we made up for lost time in the short, but close friendship we developed towards the end of his life. I have met three of the brave, selfless people who tried to comfort my darling as he took his last breath, and although it was traumatic for us all, I had to hear everything about that. I will meet more folk who went to his aide, at the trial. I haven't been able to say the words 'rest in peace' to my dear Gerry, because I know he will have no peace until those responsible for his death are made by a court of law , to take repsonibility for their actions. Sending strength and hugs.
  10. I do feel for you, cp and hope your arm mends well. Ill health and injuries make for very trying times when you've lost your partner - your main physical and emotional support and I agree, their absence is all the more apparent. With being so newly widowed, you may not have the desire, or concentration to read or watch movies to fill in the hours. I'm thinking of my current situation (which I'll explain below) when I ask if you feel up to going out somewhere where you can be among other people, ie a grief support group, a cafe or even time in a park, maybe? Being sick with a winter flu these past couple of weeks has brought home to me my aloneness. I'm not a social butterfly at the best of times but I noticed after just one week of not having gone anywhere, visited anyone or had anyone visit me, that when I did go out, I felt self-conscious in my grief, and so alone, initially. Naturally, I don't wish to pass my bott on to friends, and they sure don't want it! Injured limbs make even simple tasks hard work. I was to have my left wrist fused a year ago but I've postponed doing so as I'm just not in the right headspace yet to deal with the long, painful recovery and the many follow up appts in the city with the surgeon & xrays. My late hubby had recently retired when I had my right one done two years ago, and although he struggled with the cooking, he was hugely supportive. Ouch KayC ! I hope your injuries are healing well. Yes, we do have to get creative to get things done. And as KMB said, we need to be more careful now. Ice on pavers under my clothes line nearly got me recently. I have had a badly broken leg and wouldn't want another! My thoughts are with you cp. These new lives foisted upon us are far from easy. Be kind to yourself with as much self pampering as possible. XX
  11. Thank you guys. Knowing my wonderfully caring grief family's thoughts will be with will be very comforting. I didn't get to say goodbye to my darling, which has left a deep wound on my soul, but I recently got to say goodbye to a lovely, elderly neighbour whom I'd been spending time with over the past couple of months - he was on palliative care at home. I would keep him company so his dear wife could have time away to do her shopping and messages in the city. He asked me how it really is for the one left behind and he only wanted honest answers. We grew close very quickly, and had honest, in-depth chats about my experiences of losing loved ones and we shared tears, but some laughter too. I learned he had a great sense of humour. The day he passed away was tough on us all but we kept our composure. I found that final goodbye both traumatic, and in a sense healing. Healing, I think because I felt honoured to be asked and trusted to support this loving couple through such an emotional, personal event. And of course, the opportunity to say goodbye to him was a privilege and very, very emotional and the pain of Gerry's death got mixed up in my emotions too - I was hurting badly. He spent his last hour, alone with his sweetheart of 53 years laying beside him - a beautiful ending - just what he'd asked me for. His funeral service in the little historic church next to us, was truly beautiful with their son and grandchildren delivering a loving, well thought out eulogy. I've needed a few weeks to try and process this loss. The strength and courage to help my friends could only have come from my late Mother whom I helped nurse in the hospital, during her last two weeks of life, from Gerry, and perhaps from my dying friend himself. Helping others, has certainly helped me with my own grief. I'd grown very fond of D - he was good company and I miss him very much. Sending strength and hugs to everyone.
  12. I feel so, so fortunate for having found this wonderful forum, a family of hurting people bound by mutual understanding, compassion and love. I do still get the odd intense bout of aloneness that is so familiar to us all, but they don't last as long now - whether due to living one day at a time, acceptance of my darlings death - can it be called acceptance even though I still ask myself daily could he really have got killed in such a terrible manner? Maybe, it's still having so many supportive people around me - I don't know the answer but I'm glad I don't experience them too often now. On Gerry's birthday I left the beach deep in one of these bouts, but by the time I reached home I'd chit chatted with people at the local shop, had an aquaintance who was out walking wave out to me, another in her garden wave, so when I pulled up I was already feeling better. As I got out of my car my friend next door came to the fence with a bag of veg from her garden. I hadn't told or reminded anyone local that it was Gerry's birthday as I didn't want a fuss, but I told this friend then, and then had to dash inside quickly before going to bits again. These people brought home that I still have many loving supportive people around me, and I thank my lucky stars to have them in my life. Very tough, testing times loom ahead, as in October, the man who killed my darling stands trial for doing so. This is not the outcome I envisaged the day I paid him an unannounced visit at his home, to hand him back his shame. But, hopefully we'll get to the truth and get justice for Gerry. I'll be back on that rollercoaster, which will no doubt be moving at top speed, and I'll be back living one minute at a time. All without the person I need the most, sitting by my side, holding my hand. In a city 2 hours away. Thankfully, I'll have family and friends by my side. As I've learned how to live one day at a time, I'm not stressing about it all yet. Sending strength and hugs to all.
  13. Hi Sheree, in my experiences, signs from our newly departed loved ones are at their most powerful during the week after death and although they can be a bit scary the first time you experience them, embrace them - they will bring comfort to you in the future. Our departed loved ones do know our pain. Grief is so unbelievably cruel (what could our creator have been thinking!) and if we want to eventually find some sort of contentment in life again, there is no going round it - we must go through it. And it's a slippery old slope - often three steps forward, two backwards. You have learned early to take life a minute at a time and later on you'll be able to cope an hour at a time and eventually a day at a time. This skill will by far be your biggest asset to help endure the tough times. I was slow to learn of this method of survival and it initially took a lot of self-discipline to actually be able to carry it out, but now I have mastered it, this is how I will live the rest of my days. Sometimes when I'm sitting on my deck or in hubby's workshop, I often feel a gentle, current of warm air on my face, accompanied by a feeling of peace. This is one of the things that started occurring within a day or two of my dear mans death - during a week of cold rain. 18 months on, I still welcome these special drifts of warmth and peace when they come - they make me smile. I feel very lucky in that he sends me a lot of signs. He's still guiding and looking out for me I like the phrase 'new reality' as I know I'll never have a 'new normal'. Sending strength and hugs.
  14. I am so sorry for your loss, Sheree. Life and death can be so cruel. Like you, I had a fear of not being able to get through my darling man's funeral service and burial, but I did and you will too. Shock gives us a degree of cushioning. Thankfully I took water and chewing gum in my handbag as at one point during the service my mouth became so dry that I just could not swallow. You have most definitely come to the right place, Sherree and it's good you found us so early in your grief. Although we each grieve in our own individual manner, we encounter and experience very similar emotions. There is comfort to be found in communicating with others who are also travelling this same painful, twisted, pot hole ridden road called the grief journey - this journey that batters our hearts, minds and souls to within an inch of our lives. A comfort and understanding that can often not be found among our friends and family, or in a book describing what to expect in our grief. Who else but those who have been forced to endure the loss of a much loved spouse could possibly understand how it affects us? Words to describe it have not been invented yet. I hope here on this wonderful forum, which may feel like the only positive thing in your life for some time to come, you will also find even just a little relief from your pain. The sharing and expression of our pain and of ideas we've found to help deal with particular issues, forms the heart of the forum. There is much to learn from other members posts - both current and others made in the past. If your bed or bedroom is your sanctuary, use it as such. We have to do whatever it takes to survive this emotional ordeal. Initially I suffered from terrible nightmares which came as soon as I went to sleep, so my GP prescribed sleeping tablets which would give me up to 3 hours nightmare free sleep, each night. For a long time I'd have to take another one in the night but 18 months later I 'get by' on just half a tablet and now just have the occassional nightmare. Know we are all here for you and don't be afraid to ask express yourself or ask questions. Sending strength and hugs X
  15. Yesterday was my beloved late hubby's Birthday - he would have been 69. If he was still living, we'd have had fun the last couple of weeks researching where we'd go for a few days away, where we'd stay, what we wanted to see and do etc. In our later years together, instead of buying each other birthday and Christmas gifts, we much preferred to spend money on renting a holiday cottage or a cabin at a camp ground, and have wee adventures. Instead yesterday I spent time at his grave and on our beach, without him. Yesterday was tough, but it 'was easier' than last year. As I sat at his grave I recalled some of the lovely comments his oldest friends spoke of in their eulogy at his funeral service and messages in sympathy cards. I hadn't known that he'd talked about his feelings and our relationship with them whilst on car or work related trips. This is not the usual psyche of a Kiwi man - let alone an Englishman! (He came to NZ with his folks as a 17 year old). It was very touching to hear from his oldest friends ( all 3 Englishmen! ) how contented he felt, how much he loved me, our way of life, valued the stability of our relationship, and admired my determination to lead as productive a life as possible, despite physical limitations. Each night, or if he was going some distance without me during the day, he'd tell me he loved me and each birthday and Valentines, he'd write the same message in the cards he gave me - I treasure each of them As was usual, his last words to me before he drove off that fateful day, were, I love you. I so miss the kind, lovely man who loved me to bits for 22 years - his sense of humour and easy company - our fun times - we were good together - made a great team. I miss loving him - miss everything about him. We were so trusting of each other that we grew to know each other as well as we knew ourselves. His love gave me the courage to stop carrying other peoples shame - hand it back to whom it belonged, and become the person I am today. I will love, honour and miss him dearly forever and I'm so thankful that he chose to spend the rest of his life with me. Naturally, with a blended family situation we encountered problems, but together we worked through them and went on to experience the true happiness that had eluded us in our earlier marriages. I know he is with me in spirit for as long as I need him to be. And I know whatever my future holds, I will be OK. I found this poem (author unknown) on-line which touched my heart. Sending strength and hugs to you all.