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About M88

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    Advanced Member

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  • Loss Type
    Partner - killed by out of control driver.
  • Angel Date
    11 Jan 2016

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  1. Hi Andy, I feel your pain and understand how tough it is to finalize yet another part of your partners life. We here at Indigo, all understand. I am yet to learn how to record Gerry's answer ph message on our landline. I wonder if you have recorded your late wife's? One hour at a time, dear Andy. Periods of clock watching to confirm I'd put another painful hour behind me is still very clear in my mind. I came to think of those hours as being another hour of healing behind me and anothernhour closer to this new chapter of my life - whatever that may bring. Sending you strength and hugs X
  2. Hi Sadi - Life is a **** sandwhich at times - and far too often so unfair! My heart really does ache for you - hugs. There can't be a death more painful to have to endure. Surviving is about all you will be uo to for now. Do whatever it takes to get through the hour, the day. Your anger is understandable and I can't understand why careless drivers who kill someone, aren't arrested right away. Our hurt is so much more when they're able to just carry on with their lives. Being kind to youself is so important. I am only just starting to get my appetite back and sleeping for more than 3-4 hours a night, but I have been stressed to the max. One day you may feel like reading my earlier posts. I've had an enormous battle finding out the truth about my partners death & having the driver charged. Trial coming up in October - hopefully no more delays! I'm in New Zealand, and you might have a better Police, laws & justice system in your country. Have you got gd supportive people around you? My kids, my friends and my neighbours have got me through - couldn't have survived without them. Sending you strength, love and hugs Xx
  3. My heart aches for you, Sadiepup. I am so deeply sorry your dear Mom died in such a traumatic way. Back in January last year my partner was killed whilst walking on the footpath by an out of control driver. Like your Mom, he died an horrific death with many injuries. Life can be so unfair! I'm really sorry you had to find us but I'm glad you did. This is safe place to come to. There is a 'loss of parent' forum here at Indigo where you will find comfort, compassion, support and love from people who really do understand your pain. I'm not sure if many ppl come to this particular area of Indigo. I understand your pain and and deep sense of loss. You feel like you're living in a neverending nightmare - have the feeling that this can't really have happened, not to my Mom, things like this only happen to other peoples families. It's 75 weeks today since my darling was killed. I still experience many different emotions each day. And that living nightmare feeling. Not as many times as in the past. We can, and do adjust in time. I see you have a big family so I do hope you are getting the love and support you need right now. Allow other peope to take care of you, do stuff for you. Not only will that help you, but them as well. You will be in shock for quite some time but a sudden, traumatic death is so tough on our minds bodies and soul. It will take huge effort just to survive each day and sometimes you may have to live one hour at a time when it gets extra difficult to bear. Self-care is crutial at this time. Do things in your own time. Regular visits with your GP are very helpful and a grief counsellor is essiential. Again I am very very sorry for your loss. Know that you're in my thoughts. sending strength, love and lots of hugs Xx
  4. Awe Ace, when I saw you'd posted I looked forward to reading it as I do look forward to reading how your social life is evolving. Then my heart sank. I'm sorry this lady didn't work out for you I imagine it would be difficult for a woman you don't know very well to give you the feedback you'd like. She would know you are still hurting from your loss and wouldn't want to hurt you further. I treasure my friends of both genders. I'm not interested in another relationship, but do enjoy the male perspective on life and world issues. Sending strength and hugs..
  5. Andy, I understand averything you're feeling - I'm sure everyone in our grief family here on Indigo do. It is what has drawn us together. We have had our foundations ripped out from beneath us, our confidant and support, our sense security and our refuge from anxiety and stress all torn from our very hearts and souls. All when we desperately need them like never before. I confess that before I lost my darling, if someone I knew lost their partner I'd send a lovely card, attend the funeral if I could, say some heartfelt words to the bereaved. Feel their pain for a while. I assumed they would feel 'sad and lonely' for a year or so. I was one of those whom had to build up courage to later visit the bereaved because I was scared of saying the wrong thing and 'I'd' make them cry, I was uncomfortable in their company. Far out .........!!! I had no idea, and there was no way I could have, of all these other 'extremely crippling emotions' they would have been experiencing. 'Sad and lonely' on it's own we might be able work our way through ok, but 'sad and lonely' alongside these other extreme emotions, as well as having to learn to live without our loved partners ..... wow it's almost inhumane!! I honestly don't know how people survived this type of grief before finding a grief forum such as this one. We here are very fortunate to have found each other. I appreciate and love every one of you. Andy, in grief no matter our age, we seem to all experience those insecurities about whether people will like us, have a conversation with us and include us in theirs. I've not ventured far socially yet but when I do, I do talk about Gerry as in 'Gerry was have loved this' etc, I've found it puts others at ease. I also try and think of doing new things alone as 'getting back on the horse' - ask myself what is the alternative if I don't do this? In the leadup to meeting new people, I have the words 'calm and confident' replaying in my head. I've not felt very confident in life and having Gerry's love boosted the little I did have. Everything in life is so difficult without our beloved partners. But we just have to do this tough **** if we don't want to spend the rest of our lives feeling so bad. We've learnt not to expect a miracle to help us through but we are capable of changing our mindset little by little. Ask your late wife to be with you in spirit, Andy. And we here, can be too. Sending strength, love and hugs.
  6. Thanks for posting Acebasin. Lost me when I read 'sometimes lonely.' "Sometimes" ???? That's minimizing what we feel. I have never experienced such profound 'aloneness'. And I've had and still have, the support of many wonderful friends and family. The words to describe this type of loneliness have not yet been invented. It is no ordinary aloneness those who are left behind experience. Sorry, not ranting at you personally Ace:) Please don't be offended.
  7. My heart aches for you Andy - hugs. You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Sounds like some tender, loving self-care of yourself is needed. Are you still having counselling? Would you consider more? I understand your feelings about joining the Jeep club. Maybe you just aren't ready to meet a bunch of new people. But, it would be a very good way of making new friends. Those people share your interest so they'd no doubt be very easy to talk with. A few days after we'd buried Gerry, my son who was home from Australia, my daughter and I took Gerry's wee Fiat 850 Sport to a big vintage and classic car affair. Some ppl from overseas, had brought their cars with them and joined the annual rally around NZ. Hundreds of cars parked up for a while on the rugby fields near our beach. Gerry had only just finished restoring the car and was so eagerly awaiting this day. I was so raw the tears just didn't stop, but we met some wonderful ppl that day, some of whom cried with me. I'm so glad I went. Gerry would have expected me to go. His tragic death had been all over the media that week and naturally was a hot topic in the car world. We were introduced to the American man who put a lot of cash into the rally. He was so lovely and caring - he really did feel my pain and couldn't stop hugging me to bits. He owns a well known tyre company in the US and first name Is Chuck. Gerry would have been thrilled to have been a part of that day. My son's a mechanic and sorted out an Fiat 850 problem for an owner, with Gerry's parts. Gerry would have gained pleasure doing the same. Andy, try hard to live just in the day or hour you're in. Try not to ruminate about the future and put your fears of attending the club meet aside until the morning it is actually on, Then see if you have the courage to go. I've learnt the hard way - worrying achieves nothing but a headache, a racing heart and a sore jaw from clenching it. If I can train myself to live in this mannner, anyone can I was still very much a wreck six months after Gerry's death. Was still having to push myself hard to get out that darned door. Today he's been gone a whole 17 months - such a long yet short time. But, with each passing day now, I feel a wee bit more like my old self. I still have a cry most days, usually when talking of my darling with others or listening to music but the tears aren't the painful sobs they used to be. I am healing. There is always hope, Andy. Sending you an extra large dollop of strength, love and hugs X
  8. I'm smiling as I read your latest posts, 4Hdad. I went back and read your previous posts and I am happy for you You've had a very tough time and you deserve a special love. I'm sure your late wife would not disaprove of your new found enjoyment of life. Both your daughters will be suffering immensely from losing their Mom, but your youngest at aged 14, could take a long, long time to adjust to and accept your new found love. Most horsey Mom & daughter teams share a very deep love and bond. I speak from experience. Your lass has suffered tremendous loss, of not just her Mom, but probably the greatest friend she's ever likely to have. As the horses were her and her Mom's interest, she will also be experiencing what they call secondary loss. I can only imagine she will feel tortured with pain. Her love of horses should pull her through in the long run. Though it sounds like she could do with some guidance so she doesn't take her pain and anger out on them. Forgive me preaching if she has already stopped that behaviour. Is she close to her Grandmother who lives with you? Would she be helpful in guiding your daughter in finding another outlet for her pain and anger? Or perhaps you and your daughter could find another physical activity in which you could share quality time together. Teenage girls need their Dads attention, love and approval at the best of times. And for her this is the very worst if times. You've received some very thoughtful replies. Spread your leisure time around with all your girls. You'll probably be busier than ever and feeling like a teenager yourself, lol, but enjoy the wonderful first flush of love. All the best 4Hdad X
  9. Lovely Autocharge. I had no idea that eagles would fish!! Although that looks like a good sized fish 'head' - is it? We don't have eagles here. Carrier Hawks are our largest bird of prey.
  10. I got a good half hour out of mine and still feel better than I have in the past 17 months.
  11. Thank you all for your lovely replies. I'm so glad I've got you guys to tell about this sudden, powerful burst of feeling like my old self. I'm still so amazed at how naturally instinct set me in motion to do what I've always loved doing - taking photographs. I didn't have to think, will I get my camera out or not - I just did it !! I had been resigned to never feeling alive and excited over anything ever again. This must be what healing feels like. I sincerely hope all your rainbows aren't too far away and I hope they come as powerful and exciting as mine did.
  12. Thinking of you, Nelsons. We're here for you when you need us. Sending you strength and hugs X
  13. I'm so pleased you like the pic, Francine because I took it especially for you If you read my other thread you'll know that I raced to the beach in hope of capturing the most glorious double rainbow that I've ever seen. I would have had to go up the hill in a different direction to capture them as a whole but there was no time to go there. It had mostly faded by the time I got on the beach but once I saw those waves I knew I had to capture them for you. The moody light from the storm was a bonus. Nature is Gods art - I like that. If you'd like a full resolution copy pm me with your email address. Yes, Kayc, the ocean is at the end of our street and is a big part of our reasoning for moving to this wee town. I couldn't go there for many months. Slowly but surely I'm getting back into going down more often. Gerry & I used to become childish when there together, writing lovey dovey messages in the sand. All our grandies had their first swim in an ocean there and loved writing messages in the sand too.
  14. Ka, I am very sorry for your loss. My heart aches for you. I can't imagine how traumatic it must have been for you to learn of your boyfriends accident in such a manner. To my horror my late partners family on the other side of the world learnt about his terrible, violent death via another family members facebook page. My partner would have detested that as much as I did. My darling man was killed as he walked on a footpath in January last year. Sudden, traumatic death like this is very painful and difficult for the partner left behind. It leaves our brains, bodies and souls very battered and bruised for a very long time as we attempt to come to understand it. You will be in shock for some time to come and it's a good idea to have specialised grief counselling as soon as you can. Grief is a rocky, twisted road, riddled with potholes. Emotions can change in the blink of an eyelid. Try to live just in the day you have and not think of the future. Just enduring that day will be tough enough going. When things get real bad, live from hour to hour if need be. I was a clock watcher - still am some days. I miss my hubby with every fibre of my being. We need a massive amount of love and support from our families and good friends. Allow them to take care of you for as long as you need them. Most people don't know what to say to comfort us and some do say silly things that we may find offensive. The need for people to say something, anything, is human nature, it is wired into our being. I'm sure they mean well but it's a sad fact that it is the silliest words that we will remember. I don't know of any words that could have comforted me at the time of my partners death, but friends and family members arms around me spoke volumes and are remembered. If the same people keep saying silly things that's a different kettle of fish - I wouldn't be able to hold my tongue. Don't they realize you only want the man you've just buried. Know that we here understand your loss, your emotions and your needs. I hope you too will feel the compassion, love and support that binds our big 'grief family' here, together. Sending you strength, love and lots of hugs, Ka. Xx
  15. Bobbers, I am sorry for your loss and do hope life is getting a little easier for you. Sending strength, love and hugs X