Bobbers

Members
  • Content count

    19
  • Joined

  • Last visited

About Bobbers

  • Rank
    Member

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    New Mexico
  • Loss Type
    My husband
  • Angel Date
    March 5, 2017

Converted

  • Occupation
    CNA
  • Last Name
    Bayless
  • First Name
    Sarah
  • Zip
    88311
  1. My husband died two weeks ago and I thought I wouldn't be to go in our place. I wanted to leave everything we owned, but our son talked me into going back. I told him I would try one night and I'm glad I did. I like seeing our stuff, but I'm moving slow. I didn't clean or change anything until I felt ready. I waited a week before I went in our room even though it will probably be a while if at all until I can sleep in there. I don't let anyone in our room. I haven't changed the sheets and may not was them when I change them and pack them away. I'm just taking it slow and trying not to make any decisions I can't take back. I'm new at this but this has helped me so far. I've also had to learn how to be firm with people trying to help me. There was a dead plant my mom wanted to throw away and I told her I wasn't ready and she needs to accept it even though she mightullt not understand. I'm so sorry about the guilt you feel, everyone will tell you there is nothing you could have done, but it doesn't make me feel less guilty. I saw my husband in the hospital get fentynal twice on accident then narcan twice and I just sat there confused. It might have not been my fault, but he was awake and fine then dead and I watched it. I think everyday if I would have said or done anything different he wouldn't have died and he would be with me and our son. Just don't make any big or fast decisions you might regret later. I really am sorry.
  2. Thank you, I know it must seem weird that two weeks after my husband died I'm worried about money. Right now I am scared because it's like I can't remember him and I've been with him from 20 to 37 years. After this happened I was going never step in the place we've been renting for only ten years. I wanted my son to pack his stuff get in my car and drive. My son told me he wanted to finish the year at his school. I told him I would try out one night. I wasn't able to go in our room, but I slept on his floor. It's been two weeks and I'm starting to go in our room, but I can't sleep in there. I actually feel comfortable here, even without him here. I've been cleaning and decorating a little. I'm worried I will never want to leave this trailer because it feels like I'm leaving him and all our memories here. I am learning to take it day by day and not to worry about little things. Anything that happens can't be worse than this. I picked up his ashes and started to cry and I had to stop and leave the funeral home. I know it's not healthy to avoid feelings but it's something I've always done and I've never had feelings this intense in my life. I'm scared that this shock will just suddenly wear off one day and I have no idea how it will affect me. I've had depression and anxiety almost my entire life and I have learned what to expect and how to see it coming. My husband knew and would force me to get out of bed and go on a walk. I can't put that responsibility on my son. The last 2 days it has been so hard to wake up it literally feels like I'm wearing weights. It is the strangest feeling. I forgot to mention when I brought the urn home I felt better. My son has been collecting his stuff and made a shrine in his room with his urn and pictures. Sorry I kind of lost track where I was going with this but. I don't want to be homeless but if I have to live in a shelter in all reality it can't get worse. My friend started a go fund me page, but with a different company that charges less, so I was able to get an urn and pay rent next month.
  3. We have been married for 13 years and have a son together. They said I'm eligible for survivor benefits or DIC. And his last disability check for the month he died. I will know on Monday about the temporary death certificate as I will not get the real one for 90 days. I do not have a job right now. I'm barely functioning. My last job I did home healthcare my people died and it really affected me, so I was looking into something else besideds CNA Work.
  4. Oh my god, this sounds terrifying. It's only been two week I can't imagine feeling this way for six years, wow I'm so sorry you guys.
  5. I asked the medical examiner to do an autopsy and I have been asking the funeral what is taking so long since they are responsible for it and they have been telling me they aren't sure or they will find it. I called the medical examiner and they said it would take 5 to seven days. That was last Wednesday. And I don't have a lot of strength or am stronger than any one my drain is not processing he is not gone yet. I appreciate everyone's help and I am sorry that you have to go through this also. Thank you so much
  6. I'm trying not to sound like a broken record and I really appreciate the help. I didn't realize all the things that needed to be done after someone dies. I'm 36 and my husband really took care of me, so right now I feel like a baby and have no idea what to do with my life. I've had serious anxiety and depression, add, OCD, and I disassociate. My husband was a combat veteran. His family is far away, I live in isolation pretty much and my mom lives an hour away. I'm having a hard time trusting anyone including my mother. I am telling you these things just to kind of give you a background story on me if that helps at all. My question is what kind of things need to be done or checked on after someone dies. I am getting so much conflicting advice from everyone. My mom wants me to spend all day tomorrow at probate court, but we have no assets or a death certificate. He was on disability for ptsd. I've talked to the va and filled out an application for survivor benefits but I can't finish it until I get the death certificate. I'm scared at this point I will be homeless and lose our stuff. I paid the rent this month, have been here two years and never been late on the rent. When I called to tell my landlord the situation he told me pay in two days or get out. I live in New Mexico if that helps.the funeral was very helpful at first but one I paid them the last of my money they are less than helpful. I'm completely overwhelmed and lost. I slept in very late today and got nothing done and feel very guilty. I have people telling me I need to empty my bank account because it can be frozen but I currently have 200$ in it. I know everyone in here is going through the same terrible thing. I just need help from people who have done it. I feel like Ian losing my mind. Thank you!
  7. Thank you I appreciate that. I feel like I'm just rambling nonsense most of the time and it really helps to feel not alone, because everyone else is moving on with their lives and I'm stuck in this for how long
  8. No I havent thank you.
  9. I need some suggestions of books that might help me understand grief or death or anything to comfort me in the situation of my only husband and love of 17 years. Movies that are on Netflix Hulu or amazon prime that I might relate to understand even ones that aren't on those subscription services. Just trying to connect with something. I am here because of my son but it's really hard for everything to not feel hopeless and pointless. This website has helped me a lot, so I'm open to websites also. Thank you
  10. My husband died on March 5th. I was with him every day sine I met him at 20 years old and I am now 37. I saw him two weeks ago. I can't remember anything about us or him. The only memories I have of him is watching him die. I have had accidental thoughts about him and it has been the scariest most intense feeling I've ever felt, I can't even describe him. The first time I used the bathroom in our place I cried over shaving cream and when I realized there is literally nothing that won't remind me of him. Being around just me family, my son and him I was satisfied and happy I didn't need anybody else. We shared everything. I'm trying to live in the exact moment, not a second ahead or behind. I don't want to forget him but I can't think about what is going on. My psychiatrist told me I disassociate, I'm good at pushing my feelings away. I just find it unbelievable that I could push away something this life changing. I would really love to feel this way as long as I'm existing here but like I said I don't want to forget him and am confused about why it feels like it had been years since I've seen him. Right now I just thought about a phone call we had on my birthday and there is no connection. One more thing if this is shock I'm scared of being in public or even at home and it hits me and I have a mental breakdown. I haven't cried that much, laugh with my son even thought about getting my hair cut and nothing feels right. I have felt extreme guilt and anger. I'm lost
  11. I am very scared because I know the shock will wear off. He just died on the 5th so even at the hospital I was in shock. I just want to be in a safe comfortable place when it does. I'm sure I've mentioned this before but currently I'm stressing about getting survivor benefits from the VA and I can't get even a temporary death certificate and I don't even know if they will take that. I feel like the world has **** on me and the last thing I thought I would be worrying about is paying. I want my son to have his room. I would love if I have to go through this thins like that would be easier. But really after this it can't get much worse and I'll have to deal with it. I live in a small town and everywhere I go I have to see someone we know who wants to know what happened just to hear gossip not because they care. I can't even get a ride to pick up my mail or the grocery store. People love to offer but won't. They don't have to, but why bug me and insist I tell you everything. I am thankful I have my son and a part of him but sometimes I wish o could just self destruct. I feel like if this is what life had to offer what the hell is the point. I just have to focus on my son. At least I can see my psychiatrist tomorrow and see if she can change some of my medication I have been seriously look into ECT. But I'm going to not make any huge decisions now. I saw him two weeks ago and we were together every day for 17 years and I can't remember him and at the moment I'm not trying. I really feel like I've lost any hope or motivation or interest I used to have.
  12. I feel comfortable on hear rambling about my feeling. It is literally just me and my son in this town and my mom lives an hour away and the only way she knows how to help is by trying to control me and telling me the wrong in everything I do or feel. I understand people are going to move on and I'm not even at the point yet of accepting he is gone. Right now I get to stress over getting a temporary death certificate so I can get money for rent. The little comfort I have is having a place to be alone and go crazy without people judging. I've accidentally though about him dead and never coming back and the feeling was scary. The funeral home is being a pain in the ass since the got my money which included fees they never talked about. Today I had to write down everything that happened at the hospital for the lawyer, I thought that would be hard but I'm pretty good at disconnecting from my feeling, my son went to school and had a good day. I am happy for that but I feel who cares and why should I be happy about anything. This shouldn't have happened. I should be grateful for little thing when non of this is fair. I feel like I'm going to spend the rest of my life existing. I wish I could get into some religion just so I would feel like he is here still but I think it would be hard for me to believe in anything that lets peoples life be destroyed for no reason. I'm afraid I'm going to isolate and never be able to connect with anyone ever. I see no future and no point besides my son, but I can't make my son take place of my husband. I wish there was a reason or answer or anything but there isn't and I just get to be here. Yay
  13. No im realizing I can't even go one day without sleep or I'm 100x worse and waking up everyday is horrible. I just got a call from the funeral home telling me they are ready to cremate him. I am trying to not process this. I really believed he would come back to life. Yep I really did. So now I'm stressing about my son being 13 and he's going to possibly be leaving in 5 years. I'm have phone calls I have to make and it seems impossible, I'll just throw this out there this isn't fair and it feels like the world is conspiring against me.
  14. Thank you everyone for replying and I hate saying this because everyone is here for devastating reasons but I'm glad you are. I question my sanity and everyone's motives. I question everything now. I had a dream I remembered for the first time since this happened and I was looking for him and I was thinking I could wake up and he would be there. It really sucked I can't even find the right words to describe this. I don't drive right now, I'm scared. I actually appreciate the times when I zone out and think about nothing. I haven't thought about him much because right now it is all funeral home autopsy him doing dead talk. I want to move but I'm scared about leaving this place and I'll be leaving him. It just a place we are renting for the last two years. I just wish business would be over and done with. It is so exhausting. Thank you everyone
  15. I've been hearing really loud noises like a huge box fell som where and I never see anything that fell. I just heard the toilet seat slam or close down. I asked my son if hey made the noise he said no but said he heard it. This all started will the tv randomly turning to the church channel, which I never watch. Who knows I could have sa on th remote but I don't remember much these days.