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Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
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About Stace1984

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  • Occupation
    Business analyst
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    Playing football
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  1. I feel bad for saying this, but is it wrong to not even care what anyone else thinks anymore. The pain is unbearable. The visions of seeing him there and getting into bed each night without kissing him goodnight every night and kissing him each morning before we went to work. I am so needy, i loved our closeness and our touchy feely relationship, i need that in my life but knowing i will never ever have that again haunts me, and i really never will, because i always said, he's my first and my last love. I will never ever ever get over losing him and i'll never be happy again no matter how hard i try. He was truly an amazing person, i miss him so much. You've been on this horrible journey for over 6 months already and you still feel pain. I don't think i can cope with it for much longer. I am truly sorry for your loss also Francine. I feel selfish for feeling the way i do but i just don't think i can come through this. I can't even move his things. I've still been doing his washing even though things are not dirty, i still sleep with his jumper and can still smell him on it, i can't wash that. Call me weird but can't help it. Arghhhhhhh i wanna scream, i want him back so much!!! xxx
  2. Thank you all for your support, i really do appreciate. It's so so hard, if i could go to be with him right now without hurting anyone i would do. I just don't see how life can ever be worth living without him. I'm not strong enough. xxx
  3. Thanks again for your messages. I'm so so sorry for everyone's loss, i know circumstances may not be identical but a loss is a loss and no pain is greater than anyone else's. I feel so vulnerable, like i really just want to be with Gaz, i don't see what i have to live for other than everyone else wanting me to live. I know his family and my family are grieving but they have their own partners to go home and have for comfort, i'm on my own. I've never ever lived on my own ever, my sister would be here in a heart beat but it's not the same. I have no children because he didn't want anymore because he was 22 years older than me. My sister is messaging lots to try and keep me busy but my head goes so quickly and i feel bad that i don't want to see anyone but i just want to sit, drink and feel sorry for myself. I have no desire to do anything. I know i have to work and i have been working from home and sometimes going in the office but i end up just having a melt down and feeling bad on my colleagues. I've still been trying to play football to take my mind off everything but as soon as it's over it all just comes rushing back to me and i melt down again. I just don't think i'm strong enough for this. My world gone, just like that. He's all i've ever known from being 18. I just can't believe I'm never going to be able to hug him ever again. He literally made me have a life, he gave me so much happiness after having such a sh*t childhood, i knew i could always rely on him for anything. My dad slashed his wrists when i was 17, not directly in front of me but i saw it seconds after; because my mum didn't want to be with him anymore, it was like his hand was about to fall off. I can talk about that and it doesn't upset me in the slightest because he is still here, but obviously at the time it was hell. A year later i started seeing Gaz and i always looked back at the sh*t childhood and thought how much nothing mattered anymore because he would be here to make sure i'm ok for the majority of my life and i allowed gambling to destroy our relationship and pushed him to suicide. I will never not be able to blame myself..........so what's the point in being here anymore. I'm sorry for all the negativity, it's just genuinely how i feel. Tomorrow i'm going to pick up his ashes, i'm terrified. I feel selfish for just talking about me! I hope each and every one of you get through your struggles i really do because personally i'm not sure i have the same strength as you guys. You're all lovely people to even reply to my messages, i really appreciate them. Thank you xxx
  4. Thank you for you messages, i really appreciate them. I forgive him immediately, i could never be mad with him. It was my fault it got to that point, how could i ever be mad with him. I can't and i can never forgive myself. His kids and grandkids only made proper memories with him in the last two years, as much as i now wish we were still in our bubble i am glad they all got those memories with him. Yesterday i felt strong, today i cannot stop crying, i miss him so much, i just want to be with him so much but i cannot put my family and friends through what i feel right now. I just don't feel like i'll ever be happy or deserve to be ever again. i emailed Cruse the other day but haven't had a reply. I'm scared to speak face to face or on the phone about stuff, i only did online counselling for my gambling, i don't know why i feel so scared but i just do. I dreamt last night that i called him on his mobile and he answered, then as soon as i heard his voice i woke up. It's screwed me up for the day. I feel so lonely in the house without him. I can't even watch tv, only try to do some work and listen to music. I wanna scream i miss him so bad, i just can't believe it and the visions just won't leave me, yes i saw him in the nice clothes i chose for him in the chapel of rest but i still see him there, right in front of my face, blue in the mouth, it's driving me nuts. I always knew he would probably go before me because of the age difference but never like this, never. I just can't get over the guilt. I see his 8 year old grand-daughter making things for her memory box and it breaks my heart that we denied her so many years because he couldn't bring himself to tell his kids about us and now that poor little girl and her brother only have 2 proper years of memories of him because i pushed him over the edge. Head is well and truly mashed today. I'm sorry, i haven't even asked either of you about your loss. Please do tell me....sending lots of love xxxx
  5. Hi, I recently found my partner (Gaz) hanging in our garage. Can you believe the police made me go back in and formally ID him, as if i'd have made a mistake of who he was! Disgusting! We'd been together since 2002, i was 18 years old and he was 40 at the time. He is all i've ever known, i miss him so bad. Our relationship was a secret for the majority of our relationship as i was his daughters friend and he was still with her mother on and off when started seeing eachother . I know what i did was wrong and i feel really bad about it but i was just a messed up 18year old girl that wanted to be loved. About 8 years later his ex took her own life. I've always had a problem with online gambling and i believe this to be the catalyst for the breakdown of our relationship. I know 100% had he not been drunk on gin that he wouldn't have done it but i know it's all my fault. He was genuinely the nicest person anyone could meet, he worshipped the ground i walk on. 2 years ago his family found out we were together and since then we've all got on great but i changed. Instead of being in our little bubble i often left him here at home on his own and went drinking with his daughter, i know he never had a problem with that, he liked his 'me time', chilling on his ipad and looking for new cars and bikes as this was his passion. As a result of not seeing him as often anymore as i also took up playing football again, there was a moment in the last 2 years i told him i wasn't sure i loved him anymore, i broke his heart! I quickly realised i was just being silly and that i did love him so much still. We grew very close again but my gambling sneaked in real bad, probably because i knew i could get away with it without him wanting to leave me, because i knew how much he loved me. I ended up racking up 30k worth of debt and borrowing from the bank, family and friends and my Gaz, He wanted to leave me then but i threatened to take me life if he did. At that moment he decided to stay with me and i tried counselling for online gambling for a number of weeks, i didn't really get anything from it to be honest but to this day (over 7 months) i still haven't gambled online and i intend for it to stay that way. I really want to get out of this debt that i am in but it will take time. We had such a silly row on the evening of 10th Feb and he ended up taking his own life in the early hours after sending me a raft of abuse and told me to rot in hell. He had just recently lost his brother in the same way but they weren't super super close, he was affected but i probably didn't realise how much. I dunno.... He left a suicide note in his sock, it mentioned only his kids and his brother and sister, nothing about me. That broke my heart again. His daughter also went to see a medium, he told the medium to say 'i have no message for stacey', he specifically said that. He died so angry with me and i'll never ever ever forgive myself. I still haven't been to collect his ashes with his daughter because i'm too scared and so is she. His family have been great with me but his son i think is starting to resent me, which i understand. His mothers side of the family seem to be poisoning his head which is really bothering me too. I accept they are going to resent me but they are judging me as an 18 year kid, not the 32 year old person i am today. They don't even know me! Today i feel a little stronger but other days i just sit and can't control my emotions or the shaking in my legs, every day varies so much. The nightmares are brutal and sometimes screw me up for the whole day. I know i need help, I've thought too many times 'why am i even still here', i'm only here because everyone else wants me to be, i wanna be with my Gaz. I find it difficult to open up properly to family because i don't want them to feel my pain. I am never ever ever going to be happy because he isn't here but i don't want to give up because i don't want my family to feel like i do. I'm still living in our house, which he made beautiful for us and i've been in the garage since it happened lots of times too. Being home alone without his kisses and cuddles is the worst, i hate my own company anyway, now i have no choice. Family will come if i ask them but sometimes i would rather be alone if i can't have gaz with me anyway. I cannot bring myself to pack any of his things up and don't think i ever will. I know there are people out there worse off than me but it doesn't make my pain any easier. xxx