it was two years on february,sometime around valentines day. it makes me feel bad i dont remember the exact date. the day it happened i didnt even get to talk to him,my mom took me to school that morning,he usually did. i was a sophomore in high school at the time if you were wondering. i haven't dealt with it,i mean,i dont know how. ever since the day it happened ive ignored that its happened,like i know it happened,but i push it out of my brain. that day i remember my sister in law had picked me up,and my mom was sitting in the front seat,they were crying and she told me my dad died,so i started crying. when we got to my house my brother was there,he looked emotionless,even though he wasn't,he always kept a straight face,ive never seen him cry. that night the boy that i was speaking to at the time slept over,to help me cope,i guess. i didn't want to be alone. i dont know why but we had sex that night,maybe its because its what we did when we were together,it was just normal,and i wanted things to be normal,but thinking back on it i just feel ashamed and dirty.
backstory on my dad....he fought in the vietnam war,he had three other kids besides me,although im the only one he was involved with. (the other two and their mom did shitty things,i wont get into it) and my brother...ill talk about that later. i keep wanting to get off track and wanting to talk about what i miss about him,im trying to stay on track and finally get this out,i dont know if anyone will even read this. my dad was addicted to heroine at one point,he overdosed in the bathroom once when i was little and after that i guess he quit. hes been shot,stabbed,been to prison,hes gone to other countries. hes done a lot.
my obsession with boys is what did my dad in i think,or part of it at least. my dad was the more lenient one,but he didn't like the boys i chose to date. he'd rather me hangout with girls,like a normal girl. my mom didn't like the girls i chose to hang with. when my mom was a teenager all of her friends were boys,and she didn't understand why i had so many girl-friends. my mom was the one who let boys sleepover and let me go out with them,and my dad hated it. i know some people will think thats weird,i mean it is i guess,at the time it seemed harmless. i wasn't a bad kid,i didn't party or get drunk,i smoked weed but that was about it. none of it fucked me over,im currently in a healthy long term relationship,i have a job,and im about to graduate,but i think everything got to be too much for him. he overdosed,i dont think he was trying to.
a week before he died i had tweeted "i wish my dad would just shut up" because i wanted to listen to my music. one time i was so mad at him for not letting him sleepover at my friends house i told him i couldn't wait till him and my mom died,that was the first time i ever saw him cry. now i hate myself,i miss him so much. i miss the stories he would tell,i miss his voice,i miss him calling me linda,i miss his hugs and his jokes. i was always embarassed of him because he was on an oxygen tank,but now id do anything to be around him. he was the one who took care of my dog when i was at school,he hated dogs but he loved her. she followed him everywhere,when he would watch tv in the bedroom on the bed she would lay between his legs,when he was in the living room she was right by him. he took her outside and stayed out there with her to make sure nothing would happen to her.
whenever i needed him he was there,but i didn't even appreciate him. now hes gone and im starting to forget the little details of his face,the sound of his voice is getting fainter. i need him so much and hes not here and i don't think im ever going to be ok.
thank you if you read all of this,ive never talked about this to anyone so i thought maybe getting my feelings out and connecting with people who have also lost like me would help.