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Everything posted by Marcel

  1. I too never want to "get over" the loss of my wife. What I want is to be able to life a happy life. I don't have that in me now but that's what my wife asked me to do. I want to remember the happy days more than the day she died. I want to be only half as positive towards life as she was despite all her health isues. I want to live a meaningful life so when I meet her again I don't have to tell her, I just wasted a life she wasn't even meant to have.
  2. I'm not relious or a very spiritual person. Still I believe that the mind (or spirit) is not part of the body and that it will live on. But while being with my wife I certainly became more open to stretch my beliefs. Some things may still be a coincidence, but if they are, they're really strange ones. A couple surround the night my wife died (september 11th, 2016). I may post about them someday, not ready for it yet. But there are others: There was a movie my wife and I wanted to see. The trailer didn't really give away what it was about but it looked funny and wierd. She was too ill to go to the cinema so we waited for the DVD. But it only came out after she was gone. When I finally watched it, it wasn't really a comedy but a difficult love story that was a perfect image of our own history, down to each character. The evening before our wedding day (valentine's day) I randomly picked a movie to watch from Amazon, without watching the trailer or reading the description. Its unsuspicious title was "The boys are back" with Clive Owen. It was about a young father who loses his wife to illness and is left behind with their child. I have of few of my instrumental pieces on a web site and today I was looking at the download statistics which go back to january 2016. I don't advertise my site anywhere so people would only stumble across it by accident or if I link to a file I have on my server in some forum and they get curious and look up the main site. The average number of clicks my songs have gotten is about 20 per month. There's just one month that stands out where each song had exactly zero clicks: September 2016.
  3. I can believe that everything happens randomly. Or I can believe that things are supposed to make sense. The first would just mean that my wife through an act of random cruelty had to suffer her whole life. She'd had heath issues her entire life. After her mother died so young she got an abusive stepmother right out of a cruel fairy tale. She had relationsships with men who treated her badly. Her first husband left her for her own aunt, when she was almost bedridden with morbus bechterew, while her 7-year old daughter had to take care of her., He left her with a heap of debts from their house they had to sell below market price and a dog she couldn't handle. Her second husband was from Turkey and he probably just married her to stay in the country. But he must have learned what kind of a person she was. Aside from one of her three brothers he was the only one showing at her viewing. He was in there for half an hour crying and moaning loudly. There were 60 people at her funeral, none of them had showed up the last couple of months she suffered so badly, except for her father and my parents. And this was a woman who would always put everyone else but her first. Despite what happened to her she remained an positive person with a smile that could light up the darkest night. And people sensed it. We would stand in queue at a super market and some stranger in front of us turns around and begins to tell her his life story. How he had a wife and family and a house and a good job and how he lost it all. And things like this happened often. Somehow people knew, here's a person who cares and listens. And she could never keep being mad at anybody, no matter what they did to her. At her 40th birthday all three of her major past relationships were present. I prefer to believe her life meant something, and that it wasn't just a series of random events. Still I wonder what her purpose in life really was. Her friends and family abondened her. What she really achieved in her life is raising a great daughter and showing me what love is all about. And myself, maybe I only got caught in the crossfire. What's the point in showing me what love really is when I can't be with my love anymore. Why should someone with the kindest souls of all has to suffer such a short and cruel life. I may never get an answer but I hope she's with her mother and grandmother now as she always wished for.
  4. It's a french movie called Le goût des merveilles .
  5. I know I can't take away the pain. But my wife wanted me to live my life. She even said I should find someone new or that she would send someone my way. I can't even imagine thinking about it. Still I know what I should do. I should take care of myself. My wife was a stickler when it came to nutrition. She would prepare healthy meals from scratch. No processed foods, no unhealthy ingredients. My stepdaughter is the same way now. It may take her two hours in the kitchen each day but she's eating healthy, living healthy, I'm so proud of her. But for me I couldn't care. I started smoking again the day my wife died. I just eat what tastes good, too much meat, less vegetables, I drink too much wine. I don't care about getting old. My daughter will probably be out on her own is max five years. My parents are in their mid 70s. It doesn't matter if I live to be 100 or if I go at 60. I just have to make it long enough to support my stepdaughter until she can be on her own. But I know I should take care of my body. I should start playing my guitar again. I should continue composing music. I should start cycling again. I should start meditating on a daily basis. I did all of it once or twice but I can't get myself to do it on a regular basis. I promised my wife I would write a novel about her illness. We both thought the last trip to the hospital would make great material for a Stephen King movie. But then I think what would change if I'd do it? Why would I ever want to be with any other woman, while I would never be able to take her pictures off the walls? Why would I ever want to play the guitar if I can't share my music with her?
  6. My wife and I were very different. E.g. she liked some of the music I was into but a lot was just noise to her. Still we had plenty to share together. It's hard to go to places we'd been together. It's hard to listen to music we both enjoyed. But actually I mostly do nothing. I hardly play my guitar, I hardly listen to music, I hardly ever go anywhere. But all the time I think, she wanted me to be happy. She specifically asked me not to let myself go, not to just sit in front of the computer and drink the time away. On the one hand I should honour that and make the best of what I have left in my life. On the other hand I feel guilty even thinking about moving on without her. Though I also know that my being miserable won't help neither me nor her. I just don't know what to do.
  7. No, it won't cost you anything but you can benefit a lot. It's a large number of people sharing the same devastating experiences and trying to help each other.
  8. This song wasn't originally written about death, but having seen my wife suffer those years until she decided to leave this world by herself the lyrics got an entirely new meaning for me. Falling slowly
  9. I've never been an emotional person. Well, maybe I actually was but I buried it long ago. My parents were not the emotional type either, probably due to their upbringing. My mother's dad was born 1896, he served in WW I and WW II and he raised her in a 19th century spirit. I remember when my wife was so angry about an unempathetic comment from my mum that she didn't want to meet her again. When I told my mum, she was devestated, because she really didn't want to hurt her. We talked about how it seemed so weird to my wife that she wouldn't even hug her son. Eventually my mum broke down and cried saying "I've never learned how to hug someone". It was the first time I held her in my arms since I was a child. My father is also very unemotional. His father died in WW II. His grandparents committed suicide when his dad was only 14. His mother had to flee from the russians with two little kids (dad was just 4 years old) always just a few miles from the frontline. She had to start a new life far from home, doing everything by herself to raise her kids. She never had another man at her side. I guess that's the reason she was a very stiff person. I do remember crawling into my parents' bed when I was a small kid and couldn't sleep but though my parents have always been there for me, our relationship wasn't as warm and cozy as my wife was with her mother. So piece by piece I built a wall around me. That was until I met my wife and she started scratching on that wall until it came down with a vengeance. I'm still a rational person but I have reconnected with my emotions. Sometimes I wonder if that's a good thing. My emotions run amok now, like everyone here can understand. My rational side tells me I should find a way out of this. My wife always told me I should start a new life, learn to be happy, do what I always wanted to do, live to the fullest until my time will come. She wouldn't want me to just get by every day. And I know she's right. What good is it for anyone if I stay in this vegetative state. But somehow it feels if I would betray her if I would try to be happy again. Maybe I'm afraid our time together would lose its meaning if I could ever have a happy moment without her. I want to try to move on but I'm also afraid of the first step.
  10. Beautifully written Herc, everytime I look at her picture I can't help but smile because I realize how lucky I was to have her in my life. At the same time grief hits me and tears might be rolling.
  11. Yes, happiness is a choice. It's a choice about how much weight you grant your positive emotions and how much weight your grant those negative ones. I was lucky to spent some years with the most wonderful person in the world and I should be grateful for every second of it. Instead I feel miserable because I want more. Maybe I'm just selfish and greedy. Besides my wife wanted me to be happy. She never intended to cause me any pain. She just didn't want to experience pain for herself any longer. So it's definitely a choice, but it's the hardest choice of all.
  12. You're indeed lucky. I was too. When I told my bosses that I couldn't do my job as a manager anymore because I had to stay home all day they were very supportive. I could work home office three hours per day and still have heath insurance for my familiy etc. Now I work in production 30 hours per week and it's good to have an easy job that still supports me and my stepdaughter (I've worked there years before and was manager of that department 10 years ago). There are so many companies where I would just had to quit to support my wife. We should be grateful that at least we don't don't have to worry about a job in the midst of dealing with all that pain.
  13. fzalld, I'm sorry but I don't think so. I knew my wife was about to leave me. I found her on our bathroom floor when I got back that night. I still don't believe it's real. A loss like that can never be dealt with in any timely manner. We just have to go through the whole process of grieving. There's no shortcut, no way to ease the pain. The only thing that matters is how close your were, not the circumstances of the death.
  14. I can perfectly understand why you feel so uncomfortable. It doesn't have anything to do with your room mate. It's about you and your horrible experiences. I'm sure you do not wish anything like you experienced on your roommate. But you have lost three kids and it certainly haven't been "long enough". I can't image what pain you must feel. Going through the worst that could happen three times. Don't blame yourself. I don't know how your partner could not grasp what you're going through. But everyone is handling things differently and though I think a father to be could be destroyed by what happened it's probably still even worse for the mother who had a new life grew inside her which was not meant to experience life. I can only suggest that you find some retreat where you're not faced with what you always wanted for yourself. But at the same time, try not to be jealous. There's a new life on the way and I'm sure you wish for it to survive. Keep in mind that it's your losses you have to deal with, not the happiniess of anyone else.
  15. It's the opposite for me and we just moved into our house half a year before she died. But she made this house so beautiful, I couldn't leave. I've been to her grave three times since the funeral. I don't get anything from it. But here in our house I can still feel her presence. My stepdaughter thought she could never live in the house her mother died in. But she moved back in at the beginning of this year and she says she can still feel her mum's warmth in these rooms. Like me she doesn't get much from visiting her grave. We both know it's just what remains of her body that's in there. Her spirit is here with us.
  16. You can always talk here. I don't know if time can heal all, certainly not in my lifetime. I'm so sorry you couldn't even get married anymore. Those missed chances must hurt a lot. But that doesn't diminish the love you had and the pain you feel now. All of us feel the pain, no matter what time has passed. But everybody here is willing to support you.
  17. Dealing with your partners estate is horrible because you don't have it on your mind to do all the paperwork and usually noone has deeper knowledge of the legal traps involved. Though I bought the house it was also in my wife's name. We made a mistake and had my stepdaughter reject her half of the estate because we thought then it would fall to me. But the law is different, suddenly my wife's father and her brother were legally in line for half of her estate. Luckily they helped us straighten it out with a lawyer and get it back to my stepdaughter. I'm sorry that your husband's familiy is so different. This is really not the kind of worries you should have right now. I think getting a lawyer is necessary. Don't try to fight it alone.
  18. Don't get me wrong with this headline. I only read through a couple of posts but it seems that there are a lot of compassionate people here, who, unfortunately as well, know what they are talking about. This might get long, so bear with me. I met my wife in 2008, after living alone for a long, long time. In 2012 we and her daughter moved together, shortly after that she got ill. She was constantly dizzy, she had numbness of her limbs as well as sudden intense pain that would have her scream out loud. Her vision and hearing was impaired and she had things just falling from her hands when she tried to hold them. Over the next years we'd been to almost 30 doctors of all kinds, health practitioners, homeopaths, ghost healers etc. Noone could help her, noone could even tell what was causing her problems, a lot of them didn't even care or just called her a hypochondriac. In 2014 we got married. Early last year we bought our own house. But still her health deteriorated. I already had an arrangement with my company, that I would only be in the company till lunchtime and work home office in the afternoon. But last summer I had to give up my previous job to stay home all day. A few weeks later, during breakfast she just fell of the couch screaming. She felt like she was thrown off a high building, even if she lifted her head just a bit. I called the ambulance and we rushed to the hospital for the most inhumane treatment imaginable. Basically they just checked for MS and a few possible infections and sent us home two days later. I had to roll her out to the car in a wheelchair. I think that was when the last bit of hope collapsed. We still had an appointment with a private clinic that specialized on multiple systemic diseases. By that time she was close to being a complete nursing case. When she was 12 years old, her mother died slowly from MS and it was her greatest fear to end up like her, not having a say in what happens with her. So last september she took her own life. I knew it would happen when she sent me away that evening. I had to promise her a long time before, that when she couldn't take it anymore, I would let her go. I was able to talk her out of it many times, but not that day. So I got into my car, drove around aimlessly the entire night, and when I got back the next morning I found her. She was just 45 years old. My wife was the most life-loving, caring person you can imagine, but the illness eventually brought her down. I still can't believe, how someone like her would have to suffer so much. She would have given the last shirt of her back to a stranger in need and throughout her sufferings her main concern was, that she couldn't take care of others the way she used to. Since she's gone I haven't really dealt with her passing at all. I somehow try to pretend that the entire eight years we'd been together never happened, which of course doesn't work either. I'm living in our house with my stepdaughter, and she's the main reason I didn't follow my wife right away. We support each other and I also have support from my parents and my best friend. Still I have no idea how to get my life back on track. Well, actually I do, but I can't get myself to do it. At the moment I just function, that's all. Marcel
  19. If you find out I'm all ears. I don't think there's an easy answer. We all lost our loved ones in different ways, we're all different persons yet, the pain is universal and the unanswered questions are the same. I find it helps to just share my thoughts and feelings with people here, who have gone through the same thing and are still going through it. The worst part is being alone with your thoughts. It feels so overwhelming and you feel so helpless. Think out loud, maybe reading what others have experienced helps you feel less alone with your pain. Because when you lose your partner loneliness is your worst companion.
  20. I think "active" doesn't mean to pretent everything's ok. It probably means you should let it happen and be conscious of your emotions instead of fighting the pain or trying to ignore it.
  21. Alcohol is not a method of coping, it's a method of denial. I know first hand. I can talk to my stepdaughter as she has lost the same person. More difficult with friends, fortunately noone said to be they would "understand". I can see why this makes you angry. Dating would also be a method of denial. I can't see myself with any other person ever right now. Maybe this changes for some people after a period of time or when they suddenly meet someone really special. But actively going on blind dates sounds like running away, not coping. When my wife's mom died, her father removed all of her pictures and her stuff from the house. A few months later a new woman moved in. It was hell for my wife who was 13 back then, but knowing him now I know that he was just running away. He never wants to deal with any problems or issues, he just pretends they don't exist. Crying to sleep is not a method of coping for me. It just happens, as well as there are triggers during the day that could cause me to cry. It's no relief, it's just a result of the pain I feel.
  22. It may not mean much as I've always been very critical of doctors but to take mind altering drugs should be the last resort, when everything else fails. It's not something you just try to see if it works. There are too many doctors who are way too careless with prescribing strong drugs without having equally strong evidence that it's the appropriate drug for that patient.
  23. I don't have a child of my own, but I still live with my stepdaughter, now that my wife is gone. It's doesn't make the grief and pain any less but it gives me a focus and reason to try and learn to live again. My stepdaughter has been abandoned by her real father so I need to be there for her. Maybe without her I would just let myself go. But we support each other and talk about her mom often. I still don't know how to cope with my wife's death but I have something to hold on to while I'm trying to figure it out.
  24. There is a possibility to have a doctor assist you and to have your family around you in some countries. We would have gone there but even there you need a diagnosis of a terminal illness. My wife never got a proper diagnosis, we never knew what exactly caused her problems. Just guesses we couldn't prove. It seems bitter but she envied people with cancer. It's a horrible desease but doctors know what it is, they know what to do and it either works or it doesn't. But without an answer and without a treatment plan there's no hope at all. And as most people think that doctors know everything, friends and familiy didn't believe she was seriously ill. They thought she made a big fuss over nothing. Even her father was that way until it got worse and worse and he realized that things were really bad. Of course everytime someone visited or we visited people she pulled herself together because she wanted to enjoy the company and not unload her burdon on others. And when she started to feel bad again, we left early so noone witnessed her worst moments, except her daughter and me. But during the last two years hardly anyone came to visit her anyway.
  25. You're making a lot of sense. It's half a year that my wife left and I still just function in daily life. None of my coworkers would notice what goes on underneath. I had so many things that just needed to be done that I just did them. I'm still not at the point to process everything that happened. And from the outside it may appear as if I was doing ok. I do my job, I talk with people, I make jokes. But that doesn't mean that I'm any further than the day my wife died. I was just too busy, and unconciously using this as a way of not having to deal with what happened. Occasionally there are triggers that send me spiraling down a cascade of grief and despair. But the next day I just function again. Everybody's dealing with this differently, or not dealing with this differently. and I can't tell you how long it takes to realize what reality is right now, how to handle it, what to feel and how to move on. I'm far from that point myself.