Marcel

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Everything posted by Marcel

  1. I'm the most rational person you can imagine but I've seen things that I can't ignore, too. My wife and my stepdaughter were very spiritual people. My wife had a deck of angel cards which she sometimes used to get answers. One day she got a card that said "A major part of your life is about to end. Embrace your new life and find happiness". At first she thought it was a sign that death is waiting for her. A few hours later our daughter came home and told us that she decided to move out, becasue she couldn't bear to see her mother suffer anymore. So the part of being a full time mum ended that way. The night my wife decided to leave and send me away I just drove around aimlessly through the night. My stepdaughter believes in shamanism where everybody has a 'power animal' as a spiritual guide. Her's is a fox. As I was driving around I suddenly see a fox at the side of the street. This can happen around here occasionally but I hadn't seen one in years until that night. When I came around the same spot half an hour later it was still there. Later when I got home and found my wife dead I noticed that her angel cards were out. She must have picked one right before she did it. The card on top of the deck said "victory - your wish will be granted". After I called the police I stepped outside to wait. It was early morning and noone around. Suddenly a single dove flew by, landed right in front of our house and walked up and down our driveway. A priest told me that the dove is a symbol for the holy ghost so I had signs from religious, spiritual and shamanistic sources. A bit too much to be ignored.
  2. Sounds very familiar My wife showed me what my life was missing and what I didn't want to know about myself all those years. And now I wonder why she was here. Was it just to tease me, to show me what love really means and how great our life could have been? Was it a lesson learned so I can try again? I don't want that. I pictured us in our old age still in love and caring for each other until it's time to leave together. I don't want to have that with anyone else, let alone looking for anybody else. I had a taste of what I never had before and now I'm back to square one. The only difference is that I'm well aware of my situation now and that sucks.
  3. Don' t worry about spelling or grammer. We know what you're talking about and noone's grading you. I'm a bit selfconscious about my spelling sometimes, because it's just a second language to me but then I know that nobody really cares about stuff like that. We're all in the same boat and we all know what matters and what doesn't.
  4. I don't think it has that much to do with retirement. I know lots of retired people who seem to have less time on their hands than when they were working. But having noone at your side makes the time you would spend on anything seem void. I'm on vacation know and I thought about all I could do these two weeks. Instead I'm just wasting my time watching DVDs and hanging around the house. There are lots of thing I could do, there are lots of things I should do, but it all seems pointless. I guess when we're grieving time is our enemy.
  5. Nelsons, having someone at your side who also feels the loss can really help. Being with my stepdaughter helped me a lot these past months. And when we went to see my wife at the funeral home we both felt her presence. Being at her grave gives me nothing, but in our house I can often feel her around me. At first my stepdaughter thought it would be uncomfortable to be in the house her mother died in, but after she moved back in she noticed that her mum's warmth is still present here.
  6. I did understand what you were quoting. Suicide causes pain but it's not their pain we feel and it's not transferred. The quote just sounds judgemental to me because it implies that we know the pain they have felt.
  7. Sorry, but I can't agree the least bit. One commits suicide when the pain is just too intense to cope with and there's no hope of relief. The pain the loved ones will feel only adds to the anguish and makes it even harder to go that way. They have no intention to lay their burdon on their loved ones. Nelsons, still I do agree with the others, don't even think about leaving right now. When my wife left me, I wanted to join her too, but couldn't because of my stepdaughter. But also because my wife wanted me to learn to live again and find way to enjoy life without her. I still don't know how, but we never should make such final decisions in state when we are just sad, angry, confused, empty etc. Give yourself some time to grief and to understand what happened and what it means towards you future. I know you feel like you have no future and maybe in the end you decide life is really not worth living anymore. But in the first few months you just have to hang in and not act based upon frustration and grief. Marcel
  8. I'm sorry for your loss. Life will never be the same, that's for sure. Having a baby on the way can make it even harder, if you think how he misses out on seeing his child grow up but it can also help you. Some of us feel they don't have a purpose in life after the love of their life is gone. You have one. If it weren't for my stepdaughter, I might have followed my wife straight along. And even if my stepdaughter is 21 already she still needs support. Is it any easier this way? No! But I do have a reason to go on as best as I can. Maybe, along the way, I get to the point where I can enjoy life again, I don't know yet. My wife surely wanted it that way. Hang on to your child, tell her/him about his father and let your child live the life your boyfriend didn't have. Life is not fair. In a situation like this we cannot enjoy it but if we have the chance to help others enjoy life we should take it.
  9. The past few years I had increasing problems with hearing loss. A year ago my doc recommended a hearing aid and said I have the hearing capability of a man 20 years older than me. I had a professional test a few weeks ago and though I don't really need a hearing aid at this point, there is a significant loss of higher frequencies. A few days ago I discovered the results of a hearing test from october 2012. Back then everything was fine. The years before that I drank a lot, smoked a pack of cigarettes a day and ate only junk food. In 2012 my wife and I moved in our first appartment. I quit drinking, I quit smoking and my wife was a stickler for healthy nutrition. So I think it's quite unlikely the my hearing suffered from sudden old age during the 4 years I lead a healthy lifestyle. But 2012 was also the year my wife got seriously sick and it got worse until the end. I've been there for her all the time, quit my job last year to stay home full day, but maybe unconsciously I couldn't bear to hear her screams, her suffering and everything connected to it. So I start to think, that my hearing problems are more mental the physical, thus probably reversible. I'm still in a state where I don't want to take in what happened, so I would guess that it's similiar. My mind refuses to let certain things in, I don't want to "hear" about it. Unless I really start dealing with the loss of my wife I won't know if I could improve again. Another thing I realized: After my wife died, I somehow tried to erease all of our past from my memory. If our partnership never happened, her suffering and death wouldn't be real, too. When I started working again it was in the same department I worked in since 2002. Now I probably get promoted to supervisor of that team. That's the same position I had ten years ago, a year before I met my wife. It's like a big reset of my life, back to when I was alone, including the smoking and drinking. Of course I do know the she was real. I remember every little thing, heck, our daughter lives with me, we talk about it all the time. But my mind has build a wall, everything coming through seems like a story or a dream. I don't know what to make of it. I do believe that my hearing loss is related to what happened. Not sure I believe that my career is more than a freak coincidence.
  10. I've been to a friends birthday party last weekend and everybody was asking, how I was doing. What should I say, nobody really wants to hear about, it neither would they understand. Even my parents wouldn't get it. They've been married for 50+ years and they're still together. At the party there were a few musicians playing and my friend and I played a short gig too. When one girl who played there asked if she should play a certain song of hers as an encore I said yes, because it was my one of my favorites. The I noticed how a lot of the words pushed triggers and I felt tears coming up. I was able to distract myself but I noticed a lot times how things I've always liked suddenly have a different meaning to me. There are so many songs about parting ways and even though it's mostly about a failed relationship, I hear it differently now. The focus is on the loss, not the circumstances. Maybe I am a fruitcake by now Yesterday I had another dream about my wife. She lost way too much weight and looked frail but she was vital and I was so happy to have her back and hold her in my arms again, waking up was a nightmare.
  11. Maybe she could have made a different choice. But noone can really know except for herself. When my wife committed suicide her family coudn't understand why. Only her daughter and I witnessed her pain. She played it so well for all the others. And even I wouldn't know how bad it really was. All I know is that she was incredibly brave to carry on for such a long time, fighting her desease and trying to be there for the ones she loved. She wanted to leave so many times and continued to struggle until she required full time care. So she decided to leave just before she wouldn't be able to decide for herself anymore. It's tragic for the ones who are left behind, but I don't think we can judge them. We don't know what they felt, what kind of pain and what kind of distress they suffered from. We can only appreciate the time we had and that they don't have to suffer anymore.
  12. When my wife's condition got worse last summer I had to give up my position as a manufacturing line manager to stay home full time. After she died I took a job in production, 30 hours per week. Today I was offered the position of supervisor of the department I work in. It's the same job I had exactly 10 years ago. I should be glad to get one step closer to were I was job-wise, but somehow I don't really care. It helps to justify the salary I still receive for my previous position but I look at it differently now. It's not a challenge. Been there, done that, I know what to do. I may start working full time again and it's nice to have the funds to support my stepdaughter without much sacrifice. Her education costs 400 Euro per month, but as I live a very simple life it's not that bad. She receives some gouvernment funds and her orphan benefits and can support her daily life and still kicks in 100 Euro per month for the house we live in. So we really got everything we could ask for except my wife and her mother. Somehow it's easier for her. Like me she saw it coming somehow. But unlike me she can focus on the fact that her mother is where she wanted to be now. And a few weeks ago she met someone who could really be the one to live with. Of course at that age (she's 21) you'll never know, but she's happy. But what about me? I have a good job and a good income. I have a great stepdaughter who has grown into such a fine woman the last few years. Though my health is not that great I have everything a man could ask for except the woman who should be here to share it with. I still struggle to get on with my life. Yesterday I picked the wrong movie again. It was about a man who raised his six kids in the woods far from civilisation. Turns out his wife was in a hospital in the city and eventually commited suicide. Talk about triggers. I had a minor breakdown and my stepdaughter helped my through it. I don't know where I'm going with this. 20 years ago I would have been happy with the life I have now. But back then I didn't know my wife and I didn't know what I was missing. Is it just a cruel twist of fate or am I going to learn something here? All I know is that I'm alone.
  13. Not everywhere. My wife's ashes are burried under a tree at the cemetary as it's illegal here to take the ashes with you or spread them anywhere else. The only other option is a burial at sea, but you cannot just do that yourself either.
  14. I know that's not going to help but having an adequte warning doesn't help either. I knew my wife was going to leave me at some point. We talked about her passing many times, still I have so many regrets. Not showing her adequately how much I love her. Not bringing her flowers for no reason often enough. And most of all not being with her in her final moments. When someone you love leaves you you're ultimately left with tons of unanswered questions and regrets. There's no shortcut, there's no easy way out. And as much as we are aware they they continue to exist at some other level, we're still alone with our grief. If you find out how to handle it, let me know because I don't. Before I met my wife I was a mess. Since she's gone I am a mess. She rescued me from the deepest pit and now I'm thrown back in there. I'd like to cheer you up but all I can do is to tell you that you are not alone in this.
  15. There are some things I don't touch. The way my wife decorated our house will remain that way for any foreseeable future. I donated all her clothes right away as she wished for except for her wedding dress. At least the one from our civil marriage. The white wedding dress intended for our church wedding is the one she was cremated in, also following her wish. There's not much she would call her own. Her jewelry belongs to her daughter now, but apart from that she didn't really have anything. The antique clock from her great grand mother is still ticking in our living room. The domestic appliances are still in use. All her documents, birthday cards etc. are still stored. The only things we gave away are pictures of friends and former partners she had. Atm I don't see why I would part with anything that is left from her.
  16. It sounds familiar. My wife would always tell me that she wanted me to life a happy life when she's gone, and that I would find someone new to love. The latter I still can't imagine, but I struggle to get myself going on with my life. I do have a plan, how to take care of myself, do things I used to enjoy, focus on what is beautiful in life. I feel that I'm close getting to that level but I haven't been able to pull the trigger yet. Congrats on taking the first steps. We all know that our partners wouldn't want us to suffer after they were gone. Actually working on it is a completely different thing.
  17. Yesterday was my wife's birthday. Last friday I had my last bottle of wine. Sunday just before midnight I had my last cigarette. I lit a candle and talked to her for while and I thought I would really quit smoking again this time. I got through the day ok, no cigarettes, no drinks. This morning I discovered mould in our bedroom. Very strange one too. It may not mean much to some, but it's a big hassle. Finding the root cause, tearing down wall papers, if there's something underneath completely redo the walls. I was so annoyed I bought a new pack of cigarettes and a bottle of wine today. My wife sometimes thought that she was cursed by someone. Sometimes I think that too. Everytime I think I can move a small step forward something happens that throws me right back. Whenever I started some weightlifting again, I had some injury that stopped me right away. And I know how to do it and how to be careful when you start anew. Whenever I started to play the guitar again I hurt my hand or something else happened that took that time away from me. I just planned to get a grip on my daily routine with regular excercise, playing guitar, working on the house. No I can spend the weekend looking into this mess, hoping it was really just on the surface. Saying I'm pissed it more than an understatement.
  18. Hi Bo's sis, I'm really sorry for the loss of your brother. It must be so hard, just before you could be together again. I lost my wife to suicide, but as she was very ill I saw it coming someday. Still the shock when it actually happens is immense. Getting this kind of news out of the blue is surely devestating. I can't tell you what to do. I still don't know what I do and it's seven months. All I can tell you is let yourself grief in whatever way you feel. Don't let anyone tell you what you should do or what you should feel. You had a bond with your brother and that will continue as painful as it is. Don't expect answers to all those questions that may be in your mind but also don't feel any guilt or regrets, It takes a long time to deal with this, so take that time for yourself. I wish you all the strength you need.
  19. Today was the first really warm and sunny day. I got of work early but couldn't enjoy the weather. After all these months of grey I was looking forward to spring but now it only reminds me of the trips we made all those years. We would go to the beach or hiking in the woods. Drove around to find new interesting places. It's about a year ago, since she was last able to walk for over an hour. I lost our way and we had to hitchhike back to our car in the end but it was beautiful and I was so proud of her. Other times we tried and had to return to the car after just a few steps. The last two years her good days were rare. We both always enjoyed nature and seeing this beautiful day just by myself really hurts.
  20. I've never been an emotional person. Well, maybe I actually was but I buried it long ago. My parents were not the emotional type either, probably due to their upbringing. My mother's dad was born 1896, he served in WW I and WW II and he raised her in a 19th century spirit. I remember when my wife was so angry about an unempathetic comment from my mum that she didn't want to meet her again. When I told my mum, she was devestated, because she really didn't want to hurt her. We talked about how it seemed so weird to my wife that she wouldn't even hug her son. Eventually my mum broke down and cried saying "I've never learned how to hug someone". It was the first time I held her in my arms since I was a child. My father is also very unemotional. His father died in WW II. His grandparents committed suicide when his dad was only 14. His mother had to flee from the russians with two little kids (dad was just 4 years old) always just a few miles from the frontline. She had to start a new life far from home, doing everything by herself to raise her kids. She never had another man at her side. I guess that's the reason she was a very stiff person. I do remember crawling into my parents' bed when I was a small kid and couldn't sleep but though my parents have always been there for me, our relationship wasn't as warm and cozy as my wife was with her mother. So piece by piece I built a wall around me. That was until I met my wife and she started scratching on that wall until it came down with a vengeance. I'm still a rational person but I have reconnected with my emotions. Sometimes I wonder if that's a good thing. My emotions run amok now, like everyone here can understand. My rational side tells me I should find a way out of this. My wife always told me I should start a new life, learn to be happy, do what I always wanted to do, live to the fullest until my time will come. She wouldn't want me to just get by every day. And I know she's right. What good is it for anyone if I stay in this vegetative state. But somehow it feels if I would betray her if I would try to be happy again. Maybe I'm afraid our time together would lose its meaning if I could ever have a happy moment without her. I want to try to move on but I'm also afraid of the first step.
  21. I know I can't take away the pain. But my wife wanted me to live my life. She even said I should find someone new or that she would send someone my way. I can't even imagine thinking about it. Still I know what I should do. I should take care of myself. My wife was a stickler when it came to nutrition. She would prepare healthy meals from scratch. No processed foods, no unhealthy ingredients. My stepdaughter is the same way now. It may take her two hours in the kitchen each day but she's eating healthy, living healthy, I'm so proud of her. But for me I couldn't care. I started smoking again the day my wife died. I just eat what tastes good, too much meat, less vegetables, I drink too much wine. I don't care about getting old. My daughter will probably be out on her own is max five years. My parents are in their mid 70s. It doesn't matter if I live to be 100 or if I go at 60. I just have to make it long enough to support my stepdaughter until she can be on her own. But I know I should take care of my body. I should start playing my guitar again. I should continue composing music. I should start cycling again. I should start meditating on a daily basis. I did all of it once or twice but I can't get myself to do it on a regular basis. I promised my wife I would write a novel about her illness. We both thought the last trip to the hospital would make great material for a Stephen King movie. But then I think what would change if I'd do it? Why would I ever want to be with any other woman, while I would never be able to take her pictures off the walls? Why would I ever want to play the guitar if I can't share my music with her?
  22. I think I mentioned it before. Years ago I made a post about happiness being your own choice in another support forum (had nothing to do with grief). The essence of it was that it's a matter of how much weight you grant the positive emotions and how much the negative ones. I really try to focus on the good times we had more than the times we will miss out on. I'm not there yet, but I promise "I'm trying real hard to be the shepherd"
  23. Autocharge, I'm not sure if you are aware of what you're trying to do. You can plan your exercise or your nutrition. You can plan your finances, buying a house or starting a family. I'm the most rational person you can imagine. Might be close to borderline autism. But I can tell you, you can't make any plans for your emotions. It really sounds like a major stage of denial you're in. After such a loss, you can't just wipe it off and start making new plans. Every plan needs a foundation, and that's what is lacking after you've lost a loved one. I can only recommend to take some time for yourself and just listen deep inside yourself. You may not get an answer for the future there, but you may get a feeling of where you are right now. And I suspect you're still far away from any "new normal".
  24. Autocharge, my wife lost her mother to MS when she was just 13 years old. Her dad removed all pictures and memories from the house immediately and a few months later the next woman moved in. It was his way of avoiding grief. He's the kind of person who cannot be on his own but in reality he was trying to escape from his emotions, replacing them with new ones. I think that's the worst thing you can do. Unless you find some closure with what has happened and accept the fact that it's past, you will never be able to find a healthy relationship with another woman. Don't look for it. It might happen at some point, probably when you least expect it. But when you're trying to push it you'll only get hurt and maybe hurt others in the process.
  25. suicide

    Emily, I'm so sorry for your loss. My wife committed suicide last september. Unlike you I knew she was going to do it, we talked about it often since she was seriously ill. Still, finding the one you love dead one day is such a horrible thing, you won't know what to think or do for a long time. You have a baby to take care of. Hold on to that thought for the moment. If it weren't for my stepdaughter I might have followed my wife straight away. But having someone you're responsible for might help you through the first days and weeks. It doesn't take away the pain but it hopefully prevents you from doing anything stupid. You can't bring him back and you have to find a way to continue living. It's the hardest thing you ever have to do but a lot of people here are willing to help. Write down everything you want to express. Find friends or family who may support you and take comfort in your child as he lives on within her. Take care Marcel