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About Marcel

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  1. Not everywhere. My wife's ashes are burried under a tree at the cemetary as it's illegal here to take the ashes with you or spread them anywhere else. The only other option is a burial at sea, but you cannot just do that yourself either.
  2. I know that's not going to help but having an adequte warning doesn't help either. I knew my wife was going to leave me at some point. We talked about her passing many times, still I have so many regrets. Not showing her adequately how much I love her. Not bringing her flowers for no reason often enough. And most of all not being with her in her final moments. When someone you love leaves you you're ultimately left with tons of unanswered questions and regrets. There's no shortcut, there's no easy way out. And as much as we are aware they they continue to exist at some other level, we're still alone with our grief. If you find out how to handle it, let me know because I don't. Before I met my wife I was a mess. Since she's gone I am a mess. She rescued me from the deepest pit and now I'm thrown back in there. I'd like to cheer you up but all I can do is to tell you that you are not alone in this.
  3. There are some things I don't touch. The way my wife decorated our house will remain that way for any foreseeable future. I donated all her clothes right away as she wished for except for her wedding dress. At least the one from our civil marriage. The white wedding dress intended for our church wedding is the one she was cremated in, also following her wish. There's not much she would call her own. Her jewelry belongs to her daughter now, but apart from that she didn't really have anything. The antique clock from her great grand mother is still ticking in our living room. The domestic appliances are still in use. All her documents, birthday cards etc. are still stored. The only things we gave away are pictures of friends and former partners she had. Atm I don't see why I would part with anything that is left from her.
  4. It sounds familiar. My wife would always tell me that she wanted me to life a happy life when she's gone, and that I would find someone new to love. The latter I still can't imagine, but I struggle to get myself going on with my life. I do have a plan, how to take care of myself, do things I used to enjoy, focus on what is beautiful in life. I feel that I'm close getting to that level but I haven't been able to pull the trigger yet. Congrats on taking the first steps. We all know that our partners wouldn't want us to suffer after they were gone. Actually working on it is a completely different thing.
  5. Yesterday was my wife's birthday. Last friday I had my last bottle of wine. Sunday just before midnight I had my last cigarette. I lit a candle and talked to her for while and I thought I would really quit smoking again this time. I got through the day ok, no cigarettes, no drinks. This morning I discovered mould in our bedroom. Very strange one too. It may not mean much to some, but it's a big hassle. Finding the root cause, tearing down wall papers, if there's something underneath completely redo the walls. I was so annoyed I bought a new pack of cigarettes and a bottle of wine today. My wife sometimes thought that she was cursed by someone. Sometimes I think that too. Everytime I think I can move a small step forward something happens that throws me right back. Whenever I started some weightlifting again, I had some injury that stopped me right away. And I know how to do it and how to be careful when you start anew. Whenever I started to play the guitar again I hurt my hand or something else happened that took that time away from me. I just planned to get a grip on my daily routine with regular excercise, playing guitar, working on the house. No I can spend the weekend looking into this mess, hoping it was really just on the surface. Saying I'm pissed it more than an understatement.
  6. Hi Bo's sis, I'm really sorry for the loss of your brother. It must be so hard, just before you could be together again. I lost my wife to suicide, but as she was very ill I saw it coming someday. Still the shock when it actually happens is immense. Getting this kind of news out of the blue is surely devestating. I can't tell you what to do. I still don't know what I do and it's seven months. All I can tell you is let yourself grief in whatever way you feel. Don't let anyone tell you what you should do or what you should feel. You had a bond with your brother and that will continue as painful as it is. Don't expect answers to all those questions that may be in your mind but also don't feel any guilt or regrets, It takes a long time to deal with this, so take that time for yourself. I wish you all the strength you need.
  7. I think I mentioned it before. Years ago I made a post about happiness being your own choice in another support forum (had nothing to do with grief). The essence of it was that it's a matter of how much weight you grant the positive emotions and how much the negative ones. I really try to focus on the good times we had more than the times we will miss out on. I'm not there yet, but I promise "I'm trying real hard to be the shepherd"
  8. Today was the first really warm and sunny day. I got of work early but couldn't enjoy the weather. After all these months of grey I was looking forward to spring but now it only reminds me of the trips we made all those years. We would go to the beach or hiking in the woods. Drove around to find new interesting places. It's about a year ago, since she was last able to walk for over an hour. I lost our way and we had to hitchhike back to our car in the end but it was beautiful and I was so proud of her. Other times we tried and had to return to the car after just a few steps. The last two years her good days were rare. We both always enjoyed nature and seeing this beautiful day just by myself really hurts.
  9. Autocharge, I'm not sure if you are aware of what you're trying to do. You can plan your exercise or your nutrition. You can plan your finances, buying a house or starting a family. I'm the most rational person you can imagine. Might be close to borderline autism. But I can tell you, you can't make any plans for your emotions. It really sounds like a major stage of denial you're in. After such a loss, you can't just wipe it off and start making new plans. Every plan needs a foundation, and that's what is lacking after you've lost a loved one. I can only recommend to take some time for yourself and just listen deep inside yourself. You may not get an answer for the future there, but you may get a feeling of where you are right now. And I suspect you're still far away from any "new normal".
  10. Autocharge, my wife lost her mother to MS when she was just 13 years old. Her dad removed all pictures and memories from the house immediately and a few months later the next woman moved in. It was his way of avoiding grief. He's the kind of person who cannot be on his own but in reality he was trying to escape from his emotions, replacing them with new ones. I think that's the worst thing you can do. Unless you find some closure with what has happened and accept the fact that it's past, you will never be able to find a healthy relationship with another woman. Don't look for it. It might happen at some point, probably when you least expect it. But when you're trying to push it you'll only get hurt and maybe hurt others in the process.
  11. suicide

    Emily, I'm so sorry for your loss. My wife committed suicide last september. Unlike you I knew she was going to do it, we talked about it often since she was seriously ill. Still, finding the one you love dead one day is such a horrible thing, you won't know what to think or do for a long time. You have a baby to take care of. Hold on to that thought for the moment. If it weren't for my stepdaughter I might have followed my wife straight away. But having someone you're responsible for might help you through the first days and weeks. It doesn't take away the pain but it hopefully prevents you from doing anything stupid. You can't bring him back and you have to find a way to continue living. It's the hardest thing you ever have to do but a lot of people here are willing to help. Write down everything you want to express. Find friends or family who may support you and take comfort in your child as he lives on within her. Take care Marcel
  12. You'll never know whether you have friends until something severe happens. My wife had a big circle of friends, most of them since teenage days or even early childhood. All of them disappeared when she got sick. Of course they all showed up at the funeral and said "call me if you need help". But why should I call anybody who wasn't there when my wife needed them the most. I think most of us have to deal with this alone. We have to deal with funeral arrangements, monthly bills, forms, taxes, all kinds of finance and red tape when all we want to do is curl up in a ball and mourn. I think this is why it's taking so long do deal with the actual loss and find a way to continue living. At the beginning everything is crushing down on us when we could handle it the least. I know I will continue to suffer for a long time. But that's nothing compared to what my wife had to go through. So I will accept it and someday I will find a way to continue living. I know she will always be with me through all of this.
  13. That's true in some way. On the other hand my wife always is home. I can feel her presence in all the rooms. I see her pictures on the wall and can't help but smile at her. Even my stepdaughter, who never thought she could live in the house where her mother died, eventually moved back in and said she could still feel the warmth of her mom all around, It's hard, because we focus on what we've lost. But there's still a lot left that noone can ever take away from us.
  14. I can relate. My wife was only 45 when I lost her. She left a hole in my life that nothing will ever fill. We had so many plans, so many hopes, so much time ahead of us. It hurts and it will continue to hurt. But that only shows how deep the love really was. I'm 6 months in and I'm trying to be grateful for the time we spent more than be bitter about the time we will not spend together. Not nearly successful at the time but that's all we can try.
  15. I too never want to "get over" the loss of my wife. What I want is to be able to life a happy life. I don't have that in me now but that's what my wife asked me to do. I want to remember the happy days more than the day she died. I want to be only half as positive towards life as she was despite all her health isues. I want to live a meaningful life so when I meet her again I don't have to tell her, I just wasted a life she wasn't even meant to have.