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About Marcel

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  1. I'm the most rational person you can imagine but I've seen things that I can't ignore, too. My wife and my stepdaughter were very spiritual people. My wife had a deck of angel cards which she sometimes used to get answers. One day she got a card that said "A major part of your life is about to end. Embrace your new life and find happiness". At first she thought it was a sign that death is waiting for her. A few hours later our daughter came home and told us that she decided to move out, becasue she couldn't bear to see her mother suffer anymore. So the part of being a full time mum ended that way. The night my wife decided to leave and send me away I just drove around aimlessly through the night. My stepdaughter believes in shamanism where everybody has a 'power animal' as a spiritual guide. Her's is a fox. As I was driving around I suddenly see a fox at the side of the street. This can happen around here occasionally but I hadn't seen one in years until that night. When I came around the same spot half an hour later it was still there. Later when I got home and found my wife dead I noticed that her angel cards were out. She must have picked one right before she did it. The card on top of the deck said "victory - your wish will be granted". After I called the police I stepped outside to wait. It was early morning and noone around. Suddenly a single dove flew by, landed right in front of our house and walked up and down our driveway. A priest told me that the dove is a symbol for the holy ghost so I had signs from religious, spiritual and shamanistic sources. A bit too much to be ignored.
  2. Sounds very familiar My wife showed me what my life was missing and what I didn't want to know about myself all those years. And now I wonder why she was here. Was it just to tease me, to show me what love really means and how great our life could have been? Was it a lesson learned so I can try again? I don't want that. I pictured us in our old age still in love and caring for each other until it's time to leave together. I don't want to have that with anyone else, let alone looking for anybody else. I had a taste of what I never had before and now I'm back to square one. The only difference is that I'm well aware of my situation now and that sucks.
  3. Don' t worry about spelling or grammer. We know what you're talking about and noone's grading you. I'm a bit selfconscious about my spelling sometimes, because it's just a second language to me but then I know that nobody really cares about stuff like that. We're all in the same boat and we all know what matters and what doesn't.
  4. I don't think it has that much to do with retirement. I know lots of retired people who seem to have less time on their hands than when they were working. But having noone at your side makes the time you would spend on anything seem void. I'm on vacation know and I thought about all I could do these two weeks. Instead I'm just wasting my time watching DVDs and hanging around the house. There are lots of thing I could do, there are lots of things I should do, but it all seems pointless. I guess when we're grieving time is our enemy.
  5. Nelsons, having someone at your side who also feels the loss can really help. Being with my stepdaughter helped me a lot these past months. And when we went to see my wife at the funeral home we both felt her presence. Being at her grave gives me nothing, but in our house I can often feel her around me. At first my stepdaughter thought it would be uncomfortable to be in the house her mother died in, but after she moved back in she noticed that her mum's warmth is still present here.
  6. I did understand what you were quoting. Suicide causes pain but it's not their pain we feel and it's not transferred. The quote just sounds judgemental to me because it implies that we know the pain they have felt.
  7. Sorry, but I can't agree the least bit. One commits suicide when the pain is just too intense to cope with and there's no hope of relief. The pain the loved ones will feel only adds to the anguish and makes it even harder to go that way. They have no intention to lay their burdon on their loved ones. Nelsons, still I do agree with the others, don't even think about leaving right now. When my wife left me, I wanted to join her too, but couldn't because of my stepdaughter. But also because my wife wanted me to learn to live again and find way to enjoy life without her. I still don't know how, but we never should make such final decisions in state when we are just sad, angry, confused, empty etc. Give yourself some time to grief and to understand what happened and what it means towards you future. I know you feel like you have no future and maybe in the end you decide life is really not worth living anymore. But in the first few months you just have to hang in and not act based upon frustration and grief. Marcel
  8. I'm sorry for your loss. Life will never be the same, that's for sure. Having a baby on the way can make it even harder, if you think how he misses out on seeing his child grow up but it can also help you. Some of us feel they don't have a purpose in life after the love of their life is gone. You have one. If it weren't for my stepdaughter, I might have followed my wife straight along. And even if my stepdaughter is 21 already she still needs support. Is it any easier this way? No! But I do have a reason to go on as best as I can. Maybe, along the way, I get to the point where I can enjoy life again, I don't know yet. My wife surely wanted it that way. Hang on to your child, tell her/him about his father and let your child live the life your boyfriend didn't have. Life is not fair. In a situation like this we cannot enjoy it but if we have the chance to help others enjoy life we should take it.
  9. I've been to a friends birthday party last weekend and everybody was asking, how I was doing. What should I say, nobody really wants to hear about, it neither would they understand. Even my parents wouldn't get it. They've been married for 50+ years and they're still together. At the party there were a few musicians playing and my friend and I played a short gig too. When one girl who played there asked if she should play a certain song of hers as an encore I said yes, because it was my one of my favorites. The I noticed how a lot of the words pushed triggers and I felt tears coming up. I was able to distract myself but I noticed a lot times how things I've always liked suddenly have a different meaning to me. There are so many songs about parting ways and even though it's mostly about a failed relationship, I hear it differently now. The focus is on the loss, not the circumstances. Maybe I am a fruitcake by now Yesterday I had another dream about my wife. She lost way too much weight and looked frail but she was vital and I was so happy to have her back and hold her in my arms again, waking up was a nightmare.
  10. The past few years I had increasing problems with hearing loss. A year ago my doc recommended a hearing aid and said I have the hearing capability of a man 20 years older than me. I had a professional test a few weeks ago and though I don't really need a hearing aid at this point, there is a significant loss of higher frequencies. A few days ago I discovered the results of a hearing test from october 2012. Back then everything was fine. The years before that I drank a lot, smoked a pack of cigarettes a day and ate only junk food. In 2012 my wife and I moved in our first appartment. I quit drinking, I quit smoking and my wife was a stickler for healthy nutrition. So I think it's quite unlikely the my hearing suffered from sudden old age during the 4 years I lead a healthy lifestyle. But 2012 was also the year my wife got seriously sick and it got worse until the end. I've been there for her all the time, quit my job last year to stay home full day, but maybe unconsciously I couldn't bear to hear her screams, her suffering and everything connected to it. So I start to think, that my hearing problems are more mental the physical, thus probably reversible. I'm still in a state where I don't want to take in what happened, so I would guess that it's similiar. My mind refuses to let certain things in, I don't want to "hear" about it. Unless I really start dealing with the loss of my wife I won't know if I could improve again. Another thing I realized: After my wife died, I somehow tried to erease all of our past from my memory. If our partnership never happened, her suffering and death wouldn't be real, too. When I started working again it was in the same department I worked in since 2002. Now I probably get promoted to supervisor of that team. That's the same position I had ten years ago, a year before I met my wife. It's like a big reset of my life, back to when I was alone, including the smoking and drinking. Of course I do know the she was real. I remember every little thing, heck, our daughter lives with me, we talk about it all the time. But my mind has build a wall, everything coming through seems like a story or a dream. I don't know what to make of it. I do believe that my hearing loss is related to what happened. Not sure I believe that my career is more than a freak coincidence.
  11. Maybe she could have made a different choice. But noone can really know except for herself. When my wife committed suicide her family coudn't understand why. Only her daughter and I witnessed her pain. She played it so well for all the others. And even I wouldn't know how bad it really was. All I know is that she was incredibly brave to carry on for such a long time, fighting her desease and trying to be there for the ones she loved. She wanted to leave so many times and continued to struggle until she required full time care. So she decided to leave just before she wouldn't be able to decide for herself anymore. It's tragic for the ones who are left behind, but I don't think we can judge them. We don't know what they felt, what kind of pain and what kind of distress they suffered from. We can only appreciate the time we had and that they don't have to suffer anymore.
  12. When my wife's condition got worse last summer I had to give up my position as a manufacturing line manager to stay home full time. After she died I took a job in production, 30 hours per week. Today I was offered the position of supervisor of the department I work in. It's the same job I had exactly 10 years ago. I should be glad to get one step closer to were I was job-wise, but somehow I don't really care. It helps to justify the salary I still receive for my previous position but I look at it differently now. It's not a challenge. Been there, done that, I know what to do. I may start working full time again and it's nice to have the funds to support my stepdaughter without much sacrifice. Her education costs 400 Euro per month, but as I live a very simple life it's not that bad. She receives some gouvernment funds and her orphan benefits and can support her daily life and still kicks in 100 Euro per month for the house we live in. So we really got everything we could ask for except my wife and her mother. Somehow it's easier for her. Like me she saw it coming somehow. But unlike me she can focus on the fact that her mother is where she wanted to be now. And a few weeks ago she met someone who could really be the one to live with. Of course at that age (she's 21) you'll never know, but she's happy. But what about me? I have a good job and a good income. I have a great stepdaughter who has grown into such a fine woman the last few years. Though my health is not that great I have everything a man could ask for except the woman who should be here to share it with. I still struggle to get on with my life. Yesterday I picked the wrong movie again. It was about a man who raised his six kids in the woods far from civilisation. Turns out his wife was in a hospital in the city and eventually commited suicide. Talk about triggers. I had a minor breakdown and my stepdaughter helped my through it. I don't know where I'm going with this. 20 years ago I would have been happy with the life I have now. But back then I didn't know my wife and I didn't know what I was missing. Is it just a cruel twist of fate or am I going to learn something here? All I know is that I'm alone.
  13. Not everywhere. My wife's ashes are burried under a tree at the cemetary as it's illegal here to take the ashes with you or spread them anywhere else. The only other option is a burial at sea, but you cannot just do that yourself either.
  14. I know that's not going to help but having an adequte warning doesn't help either. I knew my wife was going to leave me at some point. We talked about her passing many times, still I have so many regrets. Not showing her adequately how much I love her. Not bringing her flowers for no reason often enough. And most of all not being with her in her final moments. When someone you love leaves you you're ultimately left with tons of unanswered questions and regrets. There's no shortcut, there's no easy way out. And as much as we are aware they they continue to exist at some other level, we're still alone with our grief. If you find out how to handle it, let me know because I don't. Before I met my wife I was a mess. Since she's gone I am a mess. She rescued me from the deepest pit and now I'm thrown back in there. I'd like to cheer you up but all I can do is to tell you that you are not alone in this.
  15. There are some things I don't touch. The way my wife decorated our house will remain that way for any foreseeable future. I donated all her clothes right away as she wished for except for her wedding dress. At least the one from our civil marriage. The white wedding dress intended for our church wedding is the one she was cremated in, also following her wish. There's not much she would call her own. Her jewelry belongs to her daughter now, but apart from that she didn't really have anything. The antique clock from her great grand mother is still ticking in our living room. The domestic appliances are still in use. All her documents, birthday cards etc. are still stored. The only things we gave away are pictures of friends and former partners she had. Atm I don't see why I would part with anything that is left from her.