Marcel

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About Marcel

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  1. I too never want to "get over" the loss of my wife. What I want is to be able to life a happy life. I don't have that in me now but that's what my wife asked me to do. I want to remember the happy days more than the day she died. I want to be only half as positive towards life as she was despite all her health isues. I want to live a meaningful life so when I meet her again I don't have to tell her, I just wasted a life she wasn't even meant to have.
  2. I can believe that everything happens randomly. Or I can believe that things are supposed to make sense. The first would just mean that my wife through an act of random cruelty had to suffer her whole life. She'd had heath issues her entire life. After her mother died so young she got an abusive stepmother right out of a cruel fairy tale. She had relationsships with men who treated her badly. Her first husband left her for her own aunt, when she was almost bedridden with morbus bechterew, while her 7-year old daughter had to take care of her., He left her with a heap of debts from their house they had to sell below market price and a dog she couldn't handle. Her second husband was from Turkey and he probably just married her to stay in the country. But he must have learned what kind of a person she was. Aside from one of her three brothers he was the only one showing at her viewing. He was in there for half an hour crying and moaning loudly. There were 60 people at her funeral, none of them had showed up the last couple of months she suffered so badly, except for her father and my parents. And this was a woman who would always put everyone else but her first. Despite what happened to her she remained an positive person with a smile that could light up the darkest night. And people sensed it. We would stand in queue at a super market and some stranger in front of us turns around and begins to tell her his life story. How he had a wife and family and a house and a good job and how he lost it all. And things like this happened often. Somehow people knew, here's a person who cares and listens. And she could never keep being mad at anybody, no matter what they did to her. At her 40th birthday all three of her major past relationships were present. I prefer to believe her life meant something, and that it wasn't just a series of random events. Still I wonder what her purpose in life really was. Her friends and family abondened her. What she really achieved in her life is raising a great daughter and showing me what love is all about. And myself, maybe I only got caught in the crossfire. What's the point in showing me what love really is when I can't be with my love anymore. Why should someone with the kindest souls of all has to suffer such a short and cruel life. I may never get an answer but I hope she's with her mother and grandmother now as she always wished for.
  3. It's a french movie called Le goût des merveilles .
  4. My wife and I were very different. E.g. she liked some of the music I was into but a lot was just noise to her. Still we had plenty to share together. It's hard to go to places we'd been together. It's hard to listen to music we both enjoyed. But actually I mostly do nothing. I hardly play my guitar, I hardly listen to music, I hardly ever go anywhere. But all the time I think, she wanted me to be happy. She specifically asked me not to let myself go, not to just sit in front of the computer and drink the time away. On the one hand I should honour that and make the best of what I have left in my life. On the other hand I feel guilty even thinking about moving on without her. Though I also know that my being miserable won't help neither me nor her. I just don't know what to do.
  5. No, it won't cost you anything but you can benefit a lot. It's a large number of people sharing the same devastating experiences and trying to help each other.
  6. I'm not relious or a very spiritual person. Still I believe that the mind (or spirit) is not part of the body and that it will live on. But while being with my wife I certainly became more open to stretch my beliefs. Some things may still be a coincidence, but if they are, they're really strange ones. A couple surround the night my wife died (september 11th, 2016). I may post about them someday, not ready for it yet. But there are others: There was a movie my wife and I wanted to see. The trailer didn't really give away what it was about but it looked funny and wierd. She was too ill to go to the cinema so we waited for the DVD. But it only came out after she was gone. When I finally watched it, it wasn't really a comedy but a difficult love story that was a perfect image of our own history, down to each character. The evening before our wedding day (valentine's day) I randomly picked a movie to watch from Amazon, without watching the trailer or reading the description. Its unsuspicious title was "The boys are back" with Clive Owen. It was about a young father who loses his wife to illness and is left behind with their child. I have of few of my instrumental pieces on a web site and today I was looking at the download statistics which go back to january 2016. I don't advertise my site anywhere so people would only stumble across it by accident or if I link to a file I have on my server in some forum and they get curious and look up the main site. The average number of clicks my songs have gotten is about 20 per month. There's just one month that stands out where each song had exactly zero clicks: September 2016.
  7. This song wasn't originally written about death, but having seen my wife suffer those years until she decided to leave this world by herself the lyrics got an entirely new meaning for me. Falling slowly
  8. Beautifully written Herc, everytime I look at her picture I can't help but smile because I realize how lucky I was to have her in my life. At the same time grief hits me and tears might be rolling.
  9. Yes, happiness is a choice. It's a choice about how much weight you grant your positive emotions and how much weight your grant those negative ones. I was lucky to spent some years with the most wonderful person in the world and I should be grateful for every second of it. Instead I feel miserable because I want more. Maybe I'm just selfish and greedy. Besides my wife wanted me to be happy. She never intended to cause me any pain. She just didn't want to experience pain for herself any longer. So it's definitely a choice, but it's the hardest choice of all.
  10. You're indeed lucky. I was too. When I told my bosses that I couldn't do my job as a manager anymore because I had to stay home all day they were very supportive. I could work home office three hours per day and still have heath insurance for my familiy etc. Now I work in production 30 hours per week and it's good to have an easy job that still supports me and my stepdaughter (I've worked there years before and was manager of that department 10 years ago). There are so many companies where I would just had to quit to support my wife. We should be grateful that at least we don't don't have to worry about a job in the midst of dealing with all that pain.
  11. fzalld, I'm sorry but I don't think so. I knew my wife was about to leave me. I found her on our bathroom floor when I got back that night. I still don't believe it's real. A loss like that can never be dealt with in any timely manner. We just have to go through the whole process of grieving. There's no shortcut, no way to ease the pain. The only thing that matters is how close your were, not the circumstances of the death.
  12. I can perfectly understand why you feel so uncomfortable. It doesn't have anything to do with your room mate. It's about you and your horrible experiences. I'm sure you do not wish anything like you experienced on your roommate. But you have lost three kids and it certainly haven't been "long enough". I can't image what pain you must feel. Going through the worst that could happen three times. Don't blame yourself. I don't know how your partner could not grasp what you're going through. But everyone is handling things differently and though I think a father to be could be destroyed by what happened it's probably still even worse for the mother who had a new life grew inside her which was not meant to experience life. I can only suggest that you find some retreat where you're not faced with what you always wanted for yourself. But at the same time, try not to be jealous. There's a new life on the way and I'm sure you wish for it to survive. Keep in mind that it's your losses you have to deal with, not the happiniess of anyone else.
  13. I've never been an emotional person. Well, maybe I actually was but I buried it long ago. My parents were not the emotional type either, probably due to their upbringing. My mother's dad was born 1896, he served in WW I and WW II and he raised her in a 19th century spirit. I remember when my wife was so angry about an unempathetic comment from my mum that she didn't want to meet her again. When I told my mum, she was devestated, because she really didn't want to hurt her. We talked about how it seemed so weird to my wife that she wouldn't even hug her son. Eventually my mum broke down and cried saying "I've never learned how to hug someone". It was the first time I held her in my arms since I was a child. My father is also very unemotional. His father died in WW II. His grandparents committed suicide when his dad was only 14. His mother had to flee from the russians with two little kids (dad was just 4 years old) always just a few miles from the frontline. She had to start a new life far from home, doing everything by herself to raise her kids. She never had another man at her side. I guess that's the reason she was a very stiff person. I do remember crawling into my parents' bed when I was a small kid and couldn't sleep but though my parents have always been there for me, our relationship wasn't as warm and cozy as my wife was with her mother. So piece by piece I built a wall around me. That was until I met my wife and she started scratching on that wall until it came down with a vengeance. I'm still a rational person but I have reconnected with my emotions. Sometimes I wonder if that's a good thing. My emotions run amok now, like everyone here can understand. My rational side tells me I should find a way out of this. My wife always told me I should start a new life, learn to be happy, do what I always wanted to do, live to the fullest until my time will come. She wouldn't want me to just get by every day. And I know she's right. What good is it for anyone if I stay in this vegetative state. But somehow it feels if I would betray her if I would try to be happy again. Maybe I'm afraid our time together would lose its meaning if I could ever have a happy moment without her. I want to try to move on but I'm also afraid of the first step.
  14. It's the opposite for me and we just moved into our house half a year before she died. But she made this house so beautiful, I couldn't leave. I've been to her grave three times since the funeral. I don't get anything from it. But here in our house I can still feel her presence. My stepdaughter thought she could never live in the house her mother died in. But she moved back in at the beginning of this year and she says she can still feel her mum's warmth in these rooms. Like me she doesn't get much from visiting her grave. We both know it's just what remains of her body that's in there. Her spirit is here with us.
  15. You can always talk here. I don't know if time can heal all, certainly not in my lifetime. I'm so sorry you couldn't even get married anymore. Those missed chances must hurt a lot. But that doesn't diminish the love you had and the pain you feel now. All of us feel the pain, no matter what time has passed. But everybody here is willing to support you.