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Marcel

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  1. It never gets easy but it gets easier. In the first place it takes a lot of time to realize what happened and that it really did happen. All this **** surrounding the death of a loved one is a nightmare. Most of the time we just have to function so I think it's important to find a few moments each day to get away from it all and remember the partner and what they meant to us, figuring out what we want to do, what we have to do. Having kids can help a lot because you still have an important purpose in life. It doesn't take away the pain but it forces you to keep going. Of course it can be overwhelming at times but it's something to hang on to. Another important thing is not to expect anything from others (family, "friends"). They don't know what you're going through. They may want to help but have no idea how. Don't get upset about anything they might say or do. They don't know any better. Mostly you're on your own, save the disappointment, it's the same for almost all of us. As hard as it is you have to focus on your future and the future of your kids. If you feel like crying, cry. If you think about all the good times you had, enjoy the memories. Think about what you had and not what you might have missed out on. I know this sounds trite, but it's the only way not to loose our mind in the process. It's been over a year for me and I'm still struggling to follow my own advice. But we didn't choose this path, we just have to follow it. Hang in there.
  2. One year ago - today

    My wife never wanted me to feel bad. There were a lot of people who had hurt her or disappointed her. But before she went, she had forgiven all of them. She told me to tell everyone she loved them. She justed wanted out because she couldn't stand the pain she was experiencing. She never wanted anyone else to experience any pain. I'll never know if I had reason to feel guilty or not, but I know she never wanted me to. So somehow she helped me to get out of that vicious circle. I'm certainly not well, I still struggle day to day, but I'm a lot further down the road than before.
  3. One year ago - today

    on september 11th, 2016 my wife took her life after several years of suffering. I had a lot of thoughts about how to spend this day, but somehow it turned out differently. She died about 6am so I thought I would get up early, light a candle and listen to some music that reminds me of that day and feel miserable. Early this morning, while I was still in bed, suddenly I felt an intense warmth in my entire body, and I got the feeling that all this ceremony I had planned didn't really mean anything. It would just make me feel bad and that's not what she wanted. So I slept until 10am and I felt changed. I lit a candle, set up a picture of her and talked to her for a while. I was sad and felt invigorated at the same time. All this year I had done nothing, just drinking, smoking and wasting my time. Now I felt I should start doing things again. No matter what or for how long, I decided to do at least one thing each day that was either necessary or that I just want to do. I went to our favorite restaurant for lunch and in the afternoon I worked a few hours in our yard. It feels like the guilt I had felt all this time has been taken away and I got the will to do something with my life. I still have no intention to be with anyone else ever, but I want to take care of our house, I want to take care of my body and mind, I want to make music again. So even though I shed a few tears talking to her and thinking of what we had, it was a great day somehow. I actually believe that I can continue living with her being in my heart, but without the constant pain, but the memory of her warmth and optimism instead. I don't know what happened but I think she took the guilt away from me this morning. I will never stop loving her, but I want to do this in joy, not in pain.
  4. Songs with your loved ones

    Falling slowly
  5. I think she's here...

    I'm the most rational person you can imagine but I've seen things that I can't ignore, too. My wife and my stepdaughter were very spiritual people. My wife had a deck of angel cards which she sometimes used to get answers. One day she got a card that said "A major part of your life is about to end. Embrace your new life and find happiness". At first she thought it was a sign that death is waiting for her. A few hours later our daughter came home and told us that she decided to move out, becasue she couldn't bear to see her mother suffer anymore. So the part of being a full time mum ended that way. The night my wife decided to leave and send me away I just drove around aimlessly through the night. My stepdaughter believes in shamanism where everybody has a 'power animal' as a spiritual guide. Her's is a fox. As I was driving around I suddenly see a fox at the side of the street. This can happen around here occasionally but I hadn't seen one in years until that night. When I came around the same spot half an hour later it was still there. Later when I got home and found my wife dead I noticed that her angel cards were out. She must have picked one right before she did it. The card on top of the deck said "victory - your wish will be granted". After I called the police I stepped outside to wait. It was early morning and noone around. Suddenly a single dove flew by, landed right in front of our house and walked up and down our driveway. A priest told me that the dove is a symbol for the holy ghost so I had signs from religious, spiritual and shamanistic sources. A bit too much to be ignored.
  6. Lost my 33 year old wife - six months out

    Sounds very familiar My wife showed me what my life was missing and what I didn't want to know about myself all those years. And now I wonder why she was here. Was it just to tease me, to show me what love really means and how great our life could have been? Was it a lesson learned so I can try again? I don't want that. I pictured us in our old age still in love and caring for each other until it's time to leave together. I don't want to have that with anyone else, let alone looking for anybody else. I had a taste of what I never had before and now I'm back to square one. The only difference is that I'm well aware of my situation now and that sucks.
  7. Don' t worry about spelling or grammer. We know what you're talking about and noone's grading you. I'm a bit selfconscious about my spelling sometimes, because it's just a second language to me but then I know that nobody really cares about stuff like that. We're all in the same boat and we all know what matters and what doesn't.
  8. I don't think it has that much to do with retirement. I know lots of retired people who seem to have less time on their hands than when they were working. But having noone at your side makes the time you would spend on anything seem void. I'm on vacation know and I thought about all I could do these two weeks. Instead I'm just wasting my time watching DVDs and hanging around the house. There are lots of thing I could do, there are lots of things I should do, but it all seems pointless. I guess when we're grieving time is our enemy.
  9. I'll bury him and then I'll join him

    Nelsons, having someone at your side who also feels the loss can really help. Being with my stepdaughter helped me a lot these past months. And when we went to see my wife at the funeral home we both felt her presence. Being at her grave gives me nothing, but in our house I can often feel her around me. At first my stepdaughter thought it would be uncomfortable to be in the house her mother died in, but after she moved back in she noticed that her mum's warmth is still present here.
  10. I'll bury him and then I'll join him

    I did understand what you were quoting. Suicide causes pain but it's not their pain we feel and it's not transferred. The quote just sounds judgemental to me because it implies that we know the pain they have felt.
  11. I'll bury him and then I'll join him

    Sorry, but I can't agree the least bit. One commits suicide when the pain is just too intense to cope with and there's no hope of relief. The pain the loved ones will feel only adds to the anguish and makes it even harder to go that way. They have no intention to lay their burdon on their loved ones. Nelsons, still I do agree with the others, don't even think about leaving right now. When my wife left me, I wanted to join her too, but couldn't because of my stepdaughter. But also because my wife wanted me to learn to live again and find way to enjoy life without her. I still don't know how, but we never should make such final decisions in state when we are just sad, angry, confused, empty etc. Give yourself some time to grief and to understand what happened and what it means towards you future. I know you feel like you have no future and maybe in the end you decide life is really not worth living anymore. But in the first few months you just have to hang in and not act based upon frustration and grief. Marcel
  12. Struggling

    I'm sorry for your loss. Life will never be the same, that's for sure. Having a baby on the way can make it even harder, if you think how he misses out on seeing his child grow up but it can also help you. Some of us feel they don't have a purpose in life after the love of their life is gone. You have one. If it weren't for my stepdaughter, I might have followed my wife straight along. And even if my stepdaughter is 21 already she still needs support. Is it any easier this way? No! But I do have a reason to go on as best as I can. Maybe, along the way, I get to the point where I can enjoy life again, I don't know yet. My wife surely wanted it that way. Hang on to your child, tell her/him about his father and let your child live the life your boyfriend didn't have. Life is not fair. In a situation like this we cannot enjoy it but if we have the chance to help others enjoy life we should take it.
  13. I realized something

    I've been to a friends birthday party last weekend and everybody was asking, how I was doing. What should I say, nobody really wants to hear about, it neither would they understand. Even my parents wouldn't get it. They've been married for 50+ years and they're still together. At the party there were a few musicians playing and my friend and I played a short gig too. When one girl who played there asked if she should play a certain song of hers as an encore I said yes, because it was my one of my favorites. The I noticed how a lot of the words pushed triggers and I felt tears coming up. I was able to distract myself but I noticed a lot times how things I've always liked suddenly have a different meaning to me. There are so many songs about parting ways and even though it's mostly about a failed relationship, I hear it differently now. The focus is on the loss, not the circumstances. Maybe I am a fruitcake by now Yesterday I had another dream about my wife. She lost way too much weight and looked frail but she was vital and I was so happy to have her back and hold her in my arms again, waking up was a nightmare.
  14. I realized something

    The past few years I had increasing problems with hearing loss. A year ago my doc recommended a hearing aid and said I have the hearing capability of a man 20 years older than me. I had a professional test a few weeks ago and though I don't really need a hearing aid at this point, there is a significant loss of higher frequencies. A few days ago I discovered the results of a hearing test from october 2012. Back then everything was fine. The years before that I drank a lot, smoked a pack of cigarettes a day and ate only junk food. In 2012 my wife and I moved in our first appartment. I quit drinking, I quit smoking and my wife was a stickler for healthy nutrition. So I think it's quite unlikely the my hearing suffered from sudden old age during the 4 years I lead a healthy lifestyle. But 2012 was also the year my wife got seriously sick and it got worse until the end. I've been there for her all the time, quit my job last year to stay home full day, but maybe unconsciously I couldn't bear to hear her screams, her suffering and everything connected to it. So I start to think, that my hearing problems are more mental the physical, thus probably reversible. I'm still in a state where I don't want to take in what happened, so I would guess that it's similiar. My mind refuses to let certain things in, I don't want to "hear" about it. Unless I really start dealing with the loss of my wife I won't know if I could improve again. Another thing I realized: After my wife died, I somehow tried to erease all of our past from my memory. If our partnership never happened, her suffering and death wouldn't be real, too. When I started working again it was in the same department I worked in since 2002. Now I probably get promoted to supervisor of that team. That's the same position I had ten years ago, a year before I met my wife. It's like a big reset of my life, back to when I was alone, including the smoking and drinking. Of course I do know the she was real. I remember every little thing, heck, our daughter lives with me, we talk about it all the time. But my mind has build a wall, everything coming through seems like a story or a dream. I don't know what to make of it. I do believe that my hearing loss is related to what happened. Not sure I believe that my career is more than a freak coincidence.
  15. I lost my girlfriend to suicide

    Maybe she could have made a different choice. But noone can really know except for herself. When my wife committed suicide her family coudn't understand why. Only her daughter and I witnessed her pain. She played it so well for all the others. And even I wouldn't know how bad it really was. All I know is that she was incredibly brave to carry on for such a long time, fighting her desease and trying to be there for the ones she loved. She wanted to leave so many times and continued to struggle until she required full time care. So she decided to leave just before she wouldn't be able to decide for herself anymore. It's tragic for the ones who are left behind, but I don't think we can judge them. We don't know what they felt, what kind of pain and what kind of distress they suffered from. We can only appreciate the time we had and that they don't have to suffer anymore.
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