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Micho

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About Micho

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  1. Hi all,, I am feeling lonely and depressed. Its already 1 year 4 months since Paul died by suicide... I try to convince myself that I might be better now but I feel terribly lonely. I merely have friends outside work. I try to keep myself occupied all the time but when I am at home I feel too much pain I do have 2 lovely cats that filled up my house but I miss human communication. At the same time I feel much better by myself....I am totally confused,....can anyone pls help me?
  2. lost my partner - suicide

    Hello once again It is nearly mn and i am just lying in bed hearing some music and crying. Crying because i feel too much lonely! I cannot bear my loneliness any longer. What did i do to deserve all this in life??? I always tried to love and respect as much as i can but it seems that God wants me to be lonely... Everyone is telling me that maybe some day i will meet another man. Yet i do not think this will ever happen. I am already 43 years old. I have some small health issues like anyone else yet i doubt that i will meet anyone who is ready to take me now that i am getting older. And to say all the truth. I am not ready to take someone who has kids of his own. I do not have my own and i do not want any problems. I do not want someone who smokes because cigarettes just make me sick....so i will not find anybody....all my colleagues tell me that i just have to accept anyone that comes around. But i am not ready to take someone who is like this. Paul was perfect 4 me but he decided to leave me the way he did without any explanation!!! I miss his love his affection and i feel lonely. I miss him but at the same time i am just angry at him because he left me all alone. I know he did not know what he was doing but he should have spoken about it....why did you leave me in despair????? Is there anyone of you who felt or feels the same way as me. I just feel so lonely that i am afraid i will fall into a depression. And i do not want this to happen to me. I am doing all i can. I am keeping myself busy but when i find myself alone at home or in bed i just start to experience loneliness.... Help me pls help !!!# Micho
  3. lost my partner - suicide

    Dear all Thanks for your replies and encouragement words. Everyone including my friends is telling me that i am truly trying my best to successfully pass my griefing and bereavement period. And thankyou all for that. However everytime i thonk
  4. lost my partner - suicide

    Dear all Thanks for your replies and encouragement words. Everyone including my friends is telling me that i am truly trying my best to successfully pass my griefing and bereavement period. And thankyou all for that. However everytime i think about him i cry and i just think about that he is angry at me. I just remember his last words before he committed his act. He told me thati will remember what he was going to do 4ever and that i should write it in a diary!!! How could i know he was going to kill himself????? Did he really think i will need the diary to remember this awful experience??? So this is why i feel like this because he did not leave me in a nice way. He always acted very angrily at me when we fought about stupid thoughts of his mind. I always gave up trying to persuade him he was wrong but i loved him so i didnot want to continue oir fights. Our last fight was the cherry on d cake but i did not want to give up because i could feel that something was wrong with him!!! And i was then tired to give up on his stupidities. So i kept strong and told him that i waa not going to speak to him unless he tells me what was wrong with him!!!! This is why i feel like this. I cry every time i remember him. I cry because i cannot remember anything else apart from his last words. I knowi did not ask him to do suicide but unfortunately i can only remember those few last words very clearly. Paul this is why i cry and cry because you didn t even say goodbye in a nice way. And i always told you that we should always speak our taughts together and we shall never leave home with arguments because if something happens like an accident we will regret our fight 4ever. But i think you did iton purpose so i could feel guilty 4 d rest of my life. At the same time i say surely you did not know what you were doing because how can anyone kill himself? If he is not totally mentally disturbed??? I just want to say sorry paul because i feel angry at you and i cannot 4give you for now!!! Sorry for this and not 4 anything else because i always loved you and did the best thing 4 u and yoy know that. But truly i am sorry but i do not know when i will 4give you. And i also hope that God will forgive me for these feelings about you. Sooooorrrry Paul. Micho
  5. lost my partner - suicide

    Hello everyone I am in despair and i need to write to someone so that I can feel better! (at least that s what I hope for). I decided to go for 4 days holidy break twith a friend as i am tryingmy best to continue my life! Tomorrow we will be flying and yesterday i hurt my knee. I am doing all the necessary treatment to get better and so ican enjoy my vacation as much as i can. But since yesterday i have been crying in despair! Am i doing the wrong thing to go on a vacation with a male friend? And pls note we r only friends. He is a gay. Did my deceased partner send me such an injury??? Doesn t he want me to be ok?? Because he is not here anymore. All my friends tell me that he is taking care of me from above! I loved him very much and i used to keep silent when he did some or said stupid things. I have to say i used to swear silently at him and i sometimes said silently that i would be better without him because i felt sorry for his actions. But i never imagined he would kill himself! so i also think that i brought all.this on myself!!!! How can i change all these feelings???please help me because i cannot stop crying. I am praying and praying but i cannot forgive myself for what i have said and thought in my heart. I also and surely will not comprehend why all this happened to me.... Paul 4give me... I will love you 4ever ...you know that i loved you very much but you left me in despair Micho
  6. lost my partner - suicide

    Thanks dear Herc for answering my post.... Unfortunately locally we do not have any support groups for such an issue! And truly i do not know of any body else that has experienced this even tough suicide is common here. I am seeing a psychologist but when i am alone i feel a disaster. I truly wish to have a friend or meet someone that can fully understand what I am experiencing. When i am ok i try to believe that he was depressed/mentally unstable- but I never realised this and he never said anything. I am a nurse and I must have known what was going to happen!!! We had an 8 year relationship and he never said or commented that he was sick or anything else. This is why I have looked online so that maybe someone will write me and tell me about ma same experiece. Now i feel lonely like hell and sometimes i also think that God is punishing me!! Forgive me dear God
  7. We had been fighting for a week, I felt that something was wrong with him and therefore I told him that unless he tells me what was wrong, I will not speak to him anymore. On the last evening he came and he told me that I will remember that evening for ever and that I should write it in my diary!!! The next morning I found him hanged in our garage. I never thought that he will do something like that. Now my life is destroyed!!!!! He was right- I will never forget this experience. I just wonder everyday - if he did it because he wanted to hurt me in any way!!! I loved him and he knew it. His life had changed for the better since he was with me. So I cannot understand why he did it!!! But his last words are always echoing in my ears. I feel miserable and when I speak about it to other people, they tell me that life has to continue. I work and get distracted in some way but when I am alone I start to think about him, about his last words and I wonder if it was my fault that he did it. Pls could someone help me and tell me if he/she has passed from this too.
  8. Micho

    Pls help!!!! I lost my partner to suicide 9 months today and i am feeling bad. The more the days pass the worse I feel.. Has anyone passed through this? Could you pls help me??? How do you cope???
  9. Micho

    Pls help!!!! I lost my partner to suicide 9 months today and i am feeling bad. The more the days pass the worse I feel.. Has anyone passed through this? Could you pls help me??? How do you cope???
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