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KarinBe

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Everything posted by KarinBe

  1. Hi everyone, I'm posting this from Sweden so please excuse my sometimes broken English.. Here's my story..in 2013 my beloved Mother passed away suffering from pneumonia. She lived in a nursing home since a second stroke paralized her in 1998. The last night I was sitting by her bedside for some hours watching her breathe very hard and fast, no pauses. She was totally awake and alerte and the breathing had been going on for about 5 hours. Finally I rang the nurse and she came and gave my Mom 7.5 mg of Morphine and 5 mg of Stesolide( I don't know the word for this relaxing meds in English). After about 30 minutes I rang again in some kind of panic because I didn't think it eased the breathing that much. I was a fool thinking the meds would change my Mom's breathing... The nurse came again and I asked if she could have some more.. How I hate myself for this!!! The nurse said yes and gave her another injection and despite of what I thought and hoped for this seem to make her breathing more labored. I was in such denial, my brother and I had spoken to the doctor and the chief nurse earlier that day and asked them to try and save her, and we got some hope up, maybe there was a little chance she might live through this! Having had a sick Mother for 25 years, it was almost impossible to understand that this was it-she was going to die. Anyway, being in such a state of denial I went to bed thinking tomorrow was another day and we would try and save her. She died an hour after I went to bed and left her with a girl who worked there.. I torture myself every day for asking the nurse for more and then going to bed. I would have done everything to make this undone:( I feel totally devastated.
  2. Thank you so much, sadandlost, for your kind words! I am so sorry for you too, it’s terrible to loose your Mother. I wake up every morning crying and I don’t know how I ever will be able to forgive myself. There are so many things that went wrong, like I left and went to bed with a hope that I would see her in the morning so I was not saying goodbye:( How do you live with yourself, I don’t know... Hugs to you, take care and think about that your Mother loves you and always will.
  3. Hi everyone, I'm posting this from Sweden so please excuse my sometimes broken English.. Here's my story..in 2013 my beloved Mother passed away suffering from pneumonia. She lived in a nursing home since a second stroke paralized her in 1998. The last night I was sitting by her bedside for some hours watching her breathe very hard and fast, no pauses. She was totally awake and alerte and the breathing had been going on for about 5 hours. Finally I rang the nurse and she came and gave my Mom 7.5 mg of Morphine and 5 mg of Stesolide( I don't know the word for this relaxing meds in English). After about 30 minutes I rang again in some kind of panic because I didn't think it eased the breathing that much. I was a fool thinking the meds would change my Mom's breathing, but I did hope it would... The nurse came again and I asked if she could have some more.. How I hate myself for this!!! The nurse said yes and gave her another injection and despite of what I thought and hoped for this seem to make her breathing more labored. I was in such denial, my brother and I had spoken to the doctor and the chief nurse earlier that day and asked them to try and save her, and we got some hope up, maybe there was a little chance she might live through this! Having had a sick Mother for 25 years, it was almost impossible to understand that this was it-she was going to die. Anyway, being in such a state of denial I went to bed thinking tomorrow was another day and we would try and save her. She died an hour after I went to bed and left her with a girl who worked there.. I torture myself every day for asking the nurse for more and then going to bed. I would have done everything to make this undone:( I feel totally devastated.
  4. Dear all, I´m writing this from Sweden, so please excuse my sometimes broken English.. My beloved Mother died in 2013 and about half a year after her death I began to realize what has happened, and started to feel that I caused her death in a way. This is destroying my life and I don´t know how to live with myself, I cannot accept and move on. Here´s my story: My Mom had suffered from a stroke and got paralysed in 1998. Since then she lived in a nursing home. When she died she had pneumonia which did´t respond very well to the antibiotics they gave her. The nurse came to us one day and said that this is it, we will now focus on palliative care since her body isn´t responding and she also couldn´t take the food or liquid they gave her. This was very hard for me and my brother to accept.She was lying in her bed now but she looked like she normally did, though her breathing was strange sometimes during the nights when I sat by her bedside. The last night she was breathing very fast and deep, but she was alert and totally awake.After a few hours I asked the nurse to give her something to calm her down, and I think she gave her an injection of Morphine and Stesolide ( I don´t know if that name exists in English), I think she may got a little calmer and it took the worst edge of the breathing, but it was still very hard and fast.After 30 minutes or so I rang the bell again and asked the nurse if she could have some more, I don´t understand how I could do that!!! It´s like I didn´t understand the side effects of Morphine, how dangerous it is.The nurse said that Mom could get a little more.When she came with that second injection I saw my Mom ´s panic and she tried to express it to me, but used as I was to take decisions for my Mom all the time ( she couldn´t speak) I thought that is still was alright, if the nurse agreed there must be a reason, and now maybe my Mom could calm down and get some rest ( I still hadn´t accepted that she was going to die, still tried to save her!). And then, God forgive me, I went to bed and left my Mom in the care of the staff:( I was in such denial... Now I punish myself every day with guilt, I have destroyed my Mom´s death and I have destroyed my own life. I tried later to get in contact with the nurse, but she hasn´t respond to my questions on how she could give her more Morphine despite all her knowledge about medications. People talk about guilt, and I know that everyone feels guilty when a parent dies, but in my case I have a true gulit, I did do something that caused my beloved Mom´s death. She might have lived two more days, and we could all have said our goodbyes, my brother wasn´t there that night and I went to bed..this is bringing me down, I don´t know how I can live with this.. Please if there´s anyone out there who has been in the same situation or have some thoughts on this please let me know. Thank You.
  5. Thanks for replying to my post. But it's not that my Mom died that is wrong.I do understand that her situation was terrible, believe me, I had taken care of her for years.. It's the way it happened. I think every parent wants to be able to say goodbye to their children, and be sure the children reslize whats about to happen. I am sure my Mom is happy where she is now.
  6. Dear Cindy Jane, thank you so much for replying to my post! I am so touched by your warm and caring words, thank you. My mom lived and died at a nursing home and the nurse that gave the doses was a nurse that was called in during nights, and not the chef nurse. I feel now when I look back that she was insecure and when I months later asked for my mom´s medical journal, the last dosis was not there! To me, that marks that something was wrong and they want to erase their mistake..:( But one of the worst is that I see my mom´s attempt to tell me "no more morphine" with her eyes, but I was in denial, in my head that night maybe a little more could ease her intense breathing, not kill her. But I will keep your words in my heart and try to think that it was time, and perhaps I was a tool for God to bring her home. Again, thanks so so much! Hugs Karin
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