Dear all, I´m writing this from Sweden, so please excuse my sometimes broken English..
My beloved Mother died in 2013 and about half a year after her death I began to realize what has happened, and started to feel that I caused her death in a way.
This is destroying my life and I don´t know how to live with myself, I cannot accept and move on.
Here´s my story: My Mom had suffered from a stroke and got paralysed in 1998. Since then she lived in a nursing home.
When she died she had pneumonia which did´t respond very well to the antibiotics they gave her.
The nurse came to us one day and said that this is it, we will now focus on palliative care since her body isn´t responding and she also couldn´t take the food
or liquid they gave her. This was very hard for me and my brother to accept.She was lying in her bed now but she looked like she normally did, though her breathing was strange sometimes during the nights when I sat by her bedside.
The last night she was breathing very fast and deep, but she was alert and totally awake.After a few hours I asked the nurse to give her something to calm her down,
and I think she gave her an injection of Morphine and Stesolide ( I don´t know if that name exists in English), I think she may got a little calmer and it took the worst edge of the breathing, but it was still very hard and fast.After 30 minutes or so I rang the bell again and asked the nurse if she could have some more,
I don´t understand how I could do that!!!
It´s like I didn´t understand the side effects of Morphine, how dangerous it is.The nurse said that Mom could get a little more.When she came with that second injection I saw my Mom ´s panic and she tried to express it to me, but used as I was to take decisions for my Mom all the time ( she couldn´t speak) I thought that is still was alright, if the nurse agreed there must be a reason, and now maybe my Mom could calm down and get some rest ( I still hadn´t accepted that she was going to die, still tried to save her!).
And then, God forgive me, I went to bed and left my Mom in the care of the staff:( I was in such denial...
Now I punish myself every day with guilt, I have destroyed my Mom´s death and I have destroyed my own life.
I tried later to get in contact with the nurse, but she hasn´t respond to my questions on how she could give her more Morphine despite all her knowledge about medications.
People talk about guilt, and I know that everyone feels guilty when a parent dies, but in my case I have a true gulit, I did do something that caused my beloved Mom´s death.
She might have lived two more days, and we could all have said our goodbyes, my brother wasn´t there that night and I went to bed..this is bringing me down, I don´t know how I can live with this..
Please if there´s anyone out there who has been in the same situation or have some thoughts on this please let me know.