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      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie


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  1. Hi, i know it will have already been said 1000 times but I am truly sorry for your loss and feel your pain immensely. If there's anything you will get out of this forum it is that you are definitely not alone. My dad died a few months ago and I have also felt very guilty. There are things I could've done that could've saved him. And I hate that, I really do. But we didn't not do these things with malicious intent. If we didn't love our parents so much we wouldn't be feeling so guilt-ridden now. Life is full of many variables that get in the way and alter our decision making. In this case, your mother was a hypochondriac who often seemed to make things seem worse than they actually were, so obviously this would make you unlikely to take her seriously. I completely understand that. It is completely justifiable and you are not in the wrong. Also, Parents and children fall out, unfortunately, and this is only natural. It is also only natural for people to need space sometimes, and again this is what you thought she needed at the time. You can only do what you think is best at the time. You loved your mother and I'm sure She knew it. She loved you too. She would not want you to be beating yourself up over a sudden death that nobody could have expected. That being said, I understand how you feel and I'm sorry you have to go through this
  2. My dad died 5 months ago very suddenly. I was already struggling with anxiety and in general my mental health wasn't good. I got put on antidepressants for anxiety to hopefully make me sleep as I had become a full blown insomniac sometimes not sleeping for days on end, literally. Needless to say, After dad died my anxiety has become sky high, after a while of going back I have given up on college for a while I find it too much pressure. I've stopped sleeping properly again. The doctor has changed my medication in the hope that my mood will lift (whether she means less anxious or less down I don't know, I find that the two come hand in hand), and I will sleep better again. But it's been 5 days and I keep waking after little sleep. I honestly miss him so so so much. I'm only 17, I should've had a whole life ahead of me with him in it. This isn't fair. I thought I was doing better a while back but a few weeks ago it has truly smacked me in the face full force. I do find enjoyment in some things, like my close friends. I love seeing them, I love them. This is the same with my family. I truly love them. That's the problem. I feel like I am living for everyone else and not me. I feel more exhausted by the day, I don't even think I'll live a long life myself. I don't want to kill myself for my family/friends sakes. Not because I respect my life enough to let myself live. So I don't know if you'd call that suicidal. What I would love is the ability for me to turn back the clocks and just not be born somehow. All the pain I've felt in this life certainly outweighs the good. Does anyone else feel this way?
  3. I miss my dad so much. He died so unexpectedly, he was my closest family member, one of my best friends. We had such a good relationship. Now everyone is falling apart, including me. I'm on a stupid waiting list for therapy and it's taking too long. It's getting to the point that I don't want to get out of bed, because every single thing I do there is just a big gaping hole missing. Why is life so cruel? he was rushed into hospital, they didn't say that a coma was even a possibility, sent us home late for some sleep. The next morning he was sedated and I never spoke to him again How on earth do I start to feel better?
  4. My dad died over 2 months ago, and I always feel like I want to get a bus up to his house, it's only about 10 minutes away. I don't know if I'm going crazy because I couldn't explain to you why, or what I will get out of it. Some days I feel like I'm In acceptance, sometimes I try to ignore that it's happened or try not to think of it so in depth. I just don't know why I want to do this, maybe him not being there will give me closure? Really, does anyone else experience urges like this, because I think I'm a bit insane...
  5. The Thing is though, when they are addicted, they NEED it, to the point where withdrawals can be more life threatening. You're not to blame at all for that at all!
  6. Hi, I lost my dad a few months ago and it still hasn't gotten any better for me either . To loose so many people at once would be so heartbreaking and I really do feel for you, it's no surprise that you are having panic attacks, even I have been getting bad palpitations etc and I haven't lost multiple family members. The frustration for your boyfriend due to his job is totally understandable considering what they missed. I can relate in that sense, the hospitals failed to help my dad when he needed it too. Pushing people away, I've read that it's because we can't bare To go through the pain of loosing someone we love so so much ever again, so subconsciously we figure that if we aren't as close to them and they aren't so impacting on our lives then that wouldn't be so painful if it happened. Unfortunately, grief is going to get worse before it gets better, as the busyness and utter shock wears off, a load of other emotions are waiting for us. What we have to remember though, is that people do lose people all around the world, and they continue to live happy lives. This can't be like this forever. We will never be the same, but it doesn't mean we can't get through this and find happiness again. Their good qualities which they have passed onto us will help us get through all of this utter crap. Sending lots of love, you are a strong person.
  7. Thank you for your reply, it was nice hearing from someone who relates. My dad was also an amazing man, his only weakness was his bad coping mechanisms. I'm sure he would have understood, because I too was struggling like you were after this going on for so long, ending up on medication for anxiety and insomnia due to all of life's stress. I still can't bare the thought of him feeling so helpless and alone, like nobody cared, and that everyone else just played the victim. I guess we were ALL victims to this situation though. I'm so so sorry ahout your dad. You really did a good job, helping him for as long as you could, until you literally couldn't cope. If there is such thing as an afterlife, he would be very grateful. Much love.
  8. Hi, I'm 17 too and my dad past away from acute liver hepatitis recently, very unexpectedly. He too was an alcoholic, due to severe depression. When he wasn't consumed by his ill mental health he was the best dad i could have ever asked for, my closest family member by a mile off. Thinking he would wake up, that he'd tell you it's all okay is completely normal. When I visited my dad in the funeral home I couldn't accept that he wasn't just going to open his eyes, but I also couldn't bare standing in there for longer than a minute, and I regret that now because I'd love to see his body again, even though he didn't look like himself at all. The thing is, shock, regret, guilt, they're all normal feelings that we should be experiencing. some of the last conversations I had with my dad weren't very nice too. I'd said some Harsh things, but in the end I was just trying tough love with him because nothing else had seemed to get through to him. I wish I showed him that I loved him immensely instead though. I hope you don't feel guilt, but kno that with alcoholic parents it's very common and normal. Going over what we wish we did/said instead. But what we must remember is that coping with someone like that really takes its toll on you too, -and we were important in all of this crap. What we did do was all we could do at the time. The intense sadness we are feeling only shows the love we had for our dads, and I'm sure that their many beautiful qualities which they have brought us up with will help us get through this. I am really sorry for your loss
  9. I have recently lost my father unexpectedly too, I can relate to a lot of what you are saying, particularly being annoyed at others for not understanding. Sometimes it's as if we should just be fine in their eyes, that it shouldn't be so intense for so long. But it is, and we are allowed to feel this way. Some People are trying to help, though, so try to appreciate their efforts, although they seem to go ahout it the wrong way. Frustration is a key part of my grief right now so I do relate. I am really sorry for your loss, I really feel for you and your family. Your mother was clearly a very impacting woman in your life and her good qualities will Carry on in you, to get you through this.
  10. Thank you so much and I'm so sorry you have also lost your father, grief is the worst emotion in the world. I suppose it inevitably has to become less intense, that is hard to imagine though you are right. Sending lots of hugs to you
  11. It really does feel like the worst thing I have ever experienced. We can always beat ourselves up, and I am assuming this is normal too, but we did try nonetheless. In my family some didn't, and I would guess that you had family members like this too. I'm sure they appreciated what we did, whether we think it is enough or not. Thank you for your reply, I am so sorry for the loss of your grandmother
  12. Aw it's no problem I'm really glad it comforted you, it helped me too. I agree, never in a million years did I picture myself seeking help from this forum. Honestly though, their good qualities will live on in us as they were clearly very impacting figures in our lives, and those qualities will help us get through this!
  13. Hi, I'm 17 and my dad passed suddenly recently. I feel like you; whatever kind of day I am on, I struggle to believe that I will ever feel completely happy again, whole if that makes sense. Because I feel like a big part of me is missing. We have to tell ourselves, though, that as heartbreaking as death is, people do go on to lead happy lives, and love their life. I'm hoping it's true, that after a long time, it becomes less intense. Like a deep wound, it hurts a lot while it's healing. But then it begins to scab over. Eventually a scar is left, we know it's there, our body isn't the same, but it works just as before. I really do feel for you, and I'm so sorry for the loss of your beloved mother. You will get through this.
  14. So I'm 17 years old, it's 1am and I'm at college tomorrow but I often struggle to sleep since my dad passed 2 months ago, very suddenly and unexpectedly. To Give some context, He has always struggled with depression and anxiety and became extremely depressed after he and my mother split after being married 20 years. She was his world, his kids were his world, he loved the life he had created and we were his priority. However, sometimes his ill mental health would take over, and he would become an aggressive man when drunk which he hated, and this lead to the breakup. He turned to alcohol when down, and this really became a massive problem after the breakdown of the marraige. He would drink because he couldn't face reality. Of course though, he was my dad, a fighter, a loving, caring, compassionate man who didn't want this life for himself and his children. He tried to get help many times, and was unfortunately let down by the NHS who would pass him to and fro from the alcohol team to the depression team, each saying he had to sort the other problem out first before they would help him. When he was in hospital, they detoxed him and let him out within 2/3 days, instead of giving vigorous psychological help to sort out the root cause of this abuse. The point I'm making is that he tried with all his will to get better, and depression would simply take over his entire being. The alcoholism got really bad and after about 2 years of this on and off, his skin colour began to change ever so slightly. 'To be expected' I thought to myself. 'We'll just have to BEG the doctors to take him in again... and it'll all be good again, I'll get my dad back, another fresh start' (we had begged and begged the NHS to section him, they said he had the ability to make his own decisions and they needed consent. But how can a person with a legitimate chemical imbalance make logical decisions?) I went to his house on Christmas. What i saw Walk towards me was like nothing id ever seen before. His skin colour had RAPIDLY and dramatically changed to a yellow, he was increasingly confused. 'He must've had a HEAVY night last night' I assumed. But this was different. Something really clicked in me and I thought If we didn't get him in hospital soon, I'm going to lose him. So, on 27th of December, I went round to see him. I knocked. He didn't answer for a while. He eventually came out of the front room, stumbling. A gaunt, thin, nimble, weak, old-looking man came literally struggling to walk, struggling to see. He managed to make his way to the front door. He couldn't find the door handle. I'm trying to explain to him where it is. Meanwhile, my nana rings the ambulance. 'He's pissed' I thought. Suddenly he collapsed against the door and hit his head. I ran into the house, waited for the ambulance to come as he laid unresponsive against the door in my brothers arms. my brother eventually let go of him, and I sat down. Naively I thought to myself 'it's me, his little girl, he'll respond to me'. 'Dad, come on dad' I said. No response. Alls I could see was a skeletal man, something I'd never even noticed due to the thick baggy clothing he had worn always, and his big dressing gown. I didn't know he was this ill. As soon as he was in the ambulance, they found out he had collapsed mainly due to very low blood sugars as he had mentioned he struggled to eat (a key symptom of depression). He began to talk in the ambulance, saying he was so sorry. But my dad still wasn't in there completely I knew it, he wasn't himself. I still thought though- he is safe now. I'll get him back. Turns out, He was diagnosed with acute liver failure and all of his organs failed as a result. He died one week later after been put in an induced coma. I thought my dad would be here right now, instead I didn't even get chance to properly say my goodbyes. He was my best friend. We were so similar, he was my closest family member by a mile off. But I didn't help him enough. I played the victim that he wasn't there for me as a dad, when in reality he was the victim of an illness. Guilt is torturing me, when I'm not feeling so guilty I blame other people. I have had some good days, and then a wave of mainly complete sadness and despair just hits me again. What I want to know is that can life really be truly happy again, if someone who was such a major role in your happiness is gone, forever? I am really struggling to see this as a possibility, but I want to make him proud, I just can't see it ever happening. Even if I ever feel happy again, will I ever feel whole? Complete?