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Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
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Steve Cavanaugh

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About Steve Cavanaugh

  • Rank
  • Birthday 12/27/1990

Profile Information

  • Gender
  • Location
    Sydney, Australia
  • Loss Type
    Best Friend, Fiancee
  • Angel Date
    February 15, 2016


  • Occupation
  • Interests
    Cricket, Books, Music, Tennis, Football
  • Last Name
  • First Name

Recent Profile Visitors

143 profile views
  1. Hi guys. My fiancee passed away last year in February and our wedding date was April 29. Today, we would have been married for a year... It just breaks my heart so much.. I have been doing pretty okay these past few months but today is just terrible. My mind keeps wandering to what could have been. would we have gone to our favourite restaurant or would we have just watched a movie? And what makes it worse is last year when we were talking about our one-year anniversary, sophia joked, "If i can survive with you till our first wedding anniversary, i will treat you to a holiday in spain." Hell, we could have been in Spain. i don't know what to do.. I am a wreck.. Today especially. i am not able to breathe.. Please help me!
  2. I am really sorry but I really did have to ask this. For those of you, who have lost a partner but have a child from him/her, does it get any easier knowing that you and your partner have something which is "yours" not just your and his/hers? I was wondering about it today and just thought would things have been better for me if she and I had had a baby together. It's really funny isn't it? We'd been dating since we were 16 but she was always rather afraid of intimacy. She was against the concept of marriage and kids because of the divorces she had seen. No shame in admitting this but the first time we did sleep together was when we were 23. Sex wasn't as important to us and it is to other couples because as I mentioned earlier, we were best friends first. and she was getting more open to the idea of being married and being a mother and us being "parents". Now that we were ready for it, we were going to get married, such a thing happened.. but I just wonder now if I had had a baby with me right here, a junior Steve or a junior Soph with her features or just with her blood running in its veins, would have I felt better? I would have had a sense of purpose. My aim would've been to live for our baby. I would have had to be strong for our baby but now I have nothing which pushes me to be strong. So really, does having an offspring from your love make things slightly easier??
  3. Hey guys. I initially joined this site to cope with my fiancee's death who died last year but now that I think of it, I miss my twin sister so very terribly.. Probably it's the effect of both these losses that has brought me here. My sister died in the October of 2012. She was my twin sister and we were so terribly close. And when she died, nothing was the same. We shared everything in our lives, hell, we even shared a uterus. But it didn't impact me that drastically because my Sophia (my fiancee) healed me and helped me get over the pain and I was fine. In my tough times, Sophia and Lehanna were the two girls who really helped me, if you exclude Mum. But now the whole realisation that neither Sophia nor Lehanna is there to help me, hug me or just stroke my hair is too painful to bear. I honestly believe that the relationship between siblings is the most underrated relationship in the world. When Lehanna died, people constantly pitied my parents, Lehanna's 1 year old daughter and her husband. Nobody for a moment thought how me and my brothers and sisters would feel.We had lost our dear sister after all. When the world didn't understand, I know you guys will. That's why I'm here..
  4. Dreams: a way of communication?

    A couple of months after Sophia died, I dreamt of her. Even in my dream, I was aware that she's no longer there. She was looking ghostly in the dream. So I asked her what she was doing so she said that I've come to visit and I got so furious. i said had you never left, there wouldn't be any need to visit. And i even said that you'd be totally happy on the other side with your Mom and Dad but you don't care about me and stuff... So she said that it's a misconception that after death is a "better place". She said that she could see me and everyone else and what hurt more was that I couldn't see her. And she said after death isn't a great place to be because now life is eternal and she has to live without the people she left behind. I know the dream's totally weird. I probably had that dream because I was reading Lovely Bones that night But do you think it is true? Was she actually trying to convey that she was sad without me too? Do you think there exists an "other side" where they can see everything? I am so sorry if I have spooked you guys out.
  5. My thoughts

    You aren't alone. We are all together in an unspoken way. We're all a family. I like it here. We don't know each other but understand each other so well. Finding solace in strangers is so much more helpful than in friends and family.. We are all here for you.. May you be at peace.
  6. Things people say...

    Hi. Firstly I am so sorry for your loss. i can fully relate to what you must be going through. People say this to me all the time too. I am now 27 and my fiancée died last year. I wear the wedding ring she had picked out for me on my finger even now and people tell me ," You're so young. Go out and have a second shot at love". What if I don't want a second chance? Missing her is the most terrible feeling on earth but I am so so proud of the fact that even today I love her as much as I loved her as a 20 year old.. I hate people's sympathy and their constant pontification. I yell in my mind "I don't want to move on. I won't move on." I want to be in love with her forever.. and sometimes people try to be helpful but are oblivious to how much they hurt our feelings.. I'm with you, my friend. Just ignore these people. They won't understand and we shouldn't expect them to..
  7. I joined this forum to find a way to cope and all you guys have been so kind and caring. Whenever I'm here, I feel so good, so at peace but we obviously can't be glued to our laptops and phone the entire day so we have to find other methods. 1) May sound stupid but alcohol is the WORST method to cope. Trust me. At first, I used to drink a lot of alcohol to momentarily forget the pain. And at first, it was so good. When I was totally high and not in my senses, I used to see her. I could feel her and touch her and I even heard her voice but once I woke up, I had that terrible hangover and headache and I didn't see her any more, it was like seeing her being snatched away all over again. It was too much to bear. 2) Talking to family and friends: Almost all of you may disagree but this one method helps zero, at least for me. After Sophia died, I was so mad at my family and friends. My best friend was so supportive and caring, constantly saying, "I understand buddy". And I just lost it with him one day. I told him, "Stop pretending that you understand because I know you don't. How could you? You haven't lost a girlfriend or a best friend." The poor guy was trying his best to be there for me but those words " I understand" really get my goat. Everyone tries their best but I get so angry. Even my family, my lovely sisters and brothers try to be as supportive as they can but when I see my oldest brother with his wife or the other brother with his girlfriend and my sisters with their boyfriends, I get so so wild. I feel so guilty about losing my temper. I hurt my mother's feelings so bad one day that I still feel so sad about it. Sophia would have hated me for saying that. My Mum found me crying in my room and she came and just stroked my hair and said the usual, "It's okay baby. I understand." Those two words just trigger the beast within me. I shouted out, "No Mom. Stop bloody saying that. How could you understand my pain of losing my to-be-wife, my best friend when you and Dad have been married 27 years and my Sophia was 26 when she died?" 3) Dating: Seems funny I know. But my friends have been after me saying that it's been a year, move on. So they put me on these blind dates and it's not like I didn't try.. I'll try anything which gives me relief.. But whenever I see those girls, I get so so so upset. I just start calculating the ways in which those stupid girls aren't like my Sophia. 4) Crying myself sleep: this is one method which works for everyone but failed miserably for me.. I tried it too. But the whole reality that there won't be any text or call from her or that she won't call to wake me up in the morning hits me and it gets unbearable. So I work my backside off till I am too tired and I just fall asleep.. I just wanted to share because these are the methods which normally seem to work for people, but haven't for me. Is it normal?? And am I a terrible person for being so harsh to my friends and Mum??
  8. Hi guys. I know this question may seem a bit weird but I was just wondering if people know that they don't have much time left before they die. Take my example for instance. My fiancee passed away in February 2016 and she had been acting quite odd since November 2015 or so. She was not a very expressive person in general. She didn't like PDA. She didn't like talking too much or expressing her feelings blatantly, even to me, despite the fact that we'd been together 13 years. She was a very guarded, reserved and should I say cold person? She was quite cold. She was very bubbly with her limited circle of friends but still not an open book. But from November 2015, she had become really emotional. She would weep at the slightest of things. We had watched Titanic atleast a 100 times together. It was like "our" movie and she had never cried. But when we watched it in November and the scene came when Jack dies, she was inconsolable. I was so shocked. I didn't know what to do. She never cries for movies and in general, she isn't a very weepy person. Secondly, we were used to go long number of days without being with each other due to our respective careers but she was totally cool with it. She was a total career-woman but those days, if she had to go outside Sydney or I had to go, she would get so emotional. I was totally not getting what was happening. And the thing which shocked me the most was her behavior on New Year's. Our gang of friends had attended this party and we had this ritual of hugging each other first as the clock struck 12. It was always a happy hug. But in 2016, she again cried while hugging me saying, "I hope we have many more New Years together." And I brushed it off saying, "Don't be stupid. We'll even celebrate year 2090 together." So here is my question. Do people really somehow get to know before dying that they're going to die?? This has been bothering me for a while now and I thought I ask you guys... Please do let me know..
  9. A year since my fiancee died..

    Hello. I am Steve. I don't know why I'm here,in this completely alien place. But I want to talk, if not talk atleast let go of some emotions and feelings and feel lighter perhaps. Last year on Valentine's Day I lost my fiancee. She and I were more than your ordinary boyfriend and girlfriend. She was 26 when she died. and we had been best friends since we were 14 and we started dating when we were around 15-16. we'd been together as a couple, as best friends and as companions for 12 whole years.. but last year she died and my whole world remains shattered in front of me. it's not my first experience at grief.. when i was 15, i lost my best friend but that was different. i was younger, more resilient. a few years later my sister died. but at the time of all these losses she was there with me, my sophia. she picked up the pieces, she healed me. every time she was there. but last year she left me and went for good.. our wedding date was set for 29th april.. i don't know what overcame me. till after the funeral, i didn't shed a single tear. didn't feel a single tinge any time.. it's weird but her body being there comforted me. her physical presence comforted me.. after the funeral, i was a wreck.. no morning phone call. it was like each passing minute stabbed my heart so bad.. i am a doctor so i have enough to distract me. and people compliment me for being so brave. it's not easy to get used to life without a person who has been there for 13 years. but now i don't know what to do.. i guess i am here so i can find solace in her memories or maybe by just interacting with others who've suffered losses as well. because i don't want to rant to people who won't understand even though they'll try to. so here i am, finding a method to cope..