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About Sweetisabelle

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  1. **my thoughts are all over the place, sorry this post is so disorganized. The 1 year date is coming up soon, and with acknowledging that I’ve been experiencing a whirlwind of emotions. At times I still catch myself thinking “how the heck could this have happened, how can see be gone?!”. I can’t believe it has almost been a year. I can’t believe it’s been that long since I saw my moms smile, and heard her laugh. I can’t believe it’s been that long since I heard her voice. To acknowledge how long she has been gone makes me feel sick to my stomach...I feel like I’ve barely survived the past year. How many more years do I have to endure without my mommy? I’m only 25. I shouldn’t have to spread two thirds of my life or more without my mom. As this time of year has come around I’ve been experiencing unexpexted triggers. The other day when coming home from school we were getting a lot of snow, and it was dark out early and the roads were slippery etc. I suddenly lost it, started sobbing, and felt like I was on the verge of a panic attack. I didn’t put it together until later, but I think that all these external factors (like the season/weather) reminded me of the time of year I lost my mom. The day after I broke down at the dinner table because I started to have flashbacks again of seeing my mom die. It is pure horror, and despair... my heartbreaks. This has been happening over and over. Then last night I had a nightmare that I was dieing of a pulmonary embolism (that’s part of what happened to my mom/what caused her death). It was an awful feeling, to not be able to do anything, for no one to be able to help, to literally be suffocating to an extent. I often wonder and agonize what my poor moms last moments were like. It’s just not fare that she had to go through that. I wish I could have done something, I wish I could have helped her, I wish I could have saved her, or at the very least provide some comfort during those moments. With one year coming up I wanted to be able to celebrate my moms life and not focus on her death. But how can I when these things keep coming to my mind? I don’t know how I’m doing to deal with February 9th and the days leading up to it. I don’t know what to do on the actual day. Even if it’s hard I feel like I need to do something to honour my mom, but I don’t know how. Im also worries as I don’t know if I’m going to be able to go to class that day, or to write my midterm the day before. My mind is already a mess. Idk why I didn’t expect this. Does anyone have any advice about what to do on a one year anniversary? I know it’s going to be very hard for me to focus on my moms life instead of her death but I do need to try. She deserves to be remembered for the wonderful woman she was.
  2. Today I turn 25, and yet my mom is not here. This is my first birthday without her and my heart is breaking. I don’t feel happy, I don’t feel like celebrating. I’ve cried so many times already, yet the day is not over. Im also a twin so I was able to distract myself for part of the day by baking for them. But now that I’ve stopped I’m drowning in sorrow. I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for my mom. Because of her I’m alive. She made so many scrafices to have kids. She put her life at risk to have kids and after trying and trying for many years we arrived. We were always called the “miracle” babies. I dont feel like celebrating me, if anything I should be celebrating my mom. I miss her so so much, I wish I could have one more day with her. I wish I could have told her how much I love and appreciate her. I miss you Mom
  3. I'm having a really bad day... or couple of days... and I'm hoping that I could just come here and talk to people who actually "get it". It has been 8 months since I suddenly lost my mom. The day before she passed away she went in for a colonoscopy. She came home, was happy and well. She was in high spirits, I think she was relieved to have the test done and over with. The next morning all I heard was her trying to breathe, I heard her say to my dad that she didn't understand what was happening. I didn't get to hold her, I was too busy trying to get her prescriptions together, and to get the pets out of the way so the ambulance could get to me mom quicker. I saw my moms face, I saw the fear and the confusion. I saw her colour changing, I saw her fading. I didn't get to talk to her, I didn't get to be with her. It all happened so quickly. Here I am 8 months later. Feeling more alone than ever. It seems like everyone expects me to be "over" this loss. No one understands that I can't sleep at night because I hate the idea of waking up the next day and my mom not being here. No one understands that nearly everyday I'm thinking about how could this be? What happened? Why her? We know it was a pulmonary embolism but are still waiting for a report to tell us what happened. I feel like my mom didn't just "pass away". I feel like she was taken. I don't know how to cope with this loss anymore. I'm trying to keep going, I'm trying to keep up with university, but it is so hard when so many hours of my day are lost because my heart hurts or because I'm thinking about my mom. So many hours are lost because I feel alone, and I wallow in this grief alone. My friends don't get it. It was just thanksgiving here today, and I thought that maybe I would hear from someone, just to know that someone is thinking about my family. But that doesn't happen. I keep getting the feeling everyone expects me to be over this loss and to get on with my life. This week has already been extremely painful. First thanksgiving, and then in a few days is my moms birthday. She was looking forward to her birthday this year. I don't know how to cope with the pain. I don't know how to balance school and grief. It is all so challenging. Nothing can "fix" this, and I'm coming to accept that. I'm comping to accept that I will likely always have a emptiness, I will always long for my mom. But I just wish others understand. I wish I didn't have to carry the pain alone. I miss my mom so so much. This world seems like a colder place without her. I wish my poor mom didn't have to go through what she went through. My heart aches every time I imagine how she must have felt
  4. 3 month mark after moms death

    Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to this post. I'm so sorry that you know this crushing pain, and are expierencing it as well. It has been hard to accept that there seems to be no easier ansewer to make this pain more manageable. But then I remember that the pain we are feeling shows how much we love the family member who has passed. I like idea of support groups, and I'm starting to look into them. The few times I have posted on this site I have felt a little less alone, and that has helped. Even reading others posts, and seeing I'm not alone.... even though it doesn't stop the pain, it helps to feel less iscolated. Thank you for the reminder to be kind and gentle with myself. I needed to hear that. It is so easy to think of one moment, and forget the next. So I thank you very much for this reminder. (And just in case you're in a similar boat, or having a rough day, id like to say i hope you are able to offer that kindness to yourself too ) Sending you many thanks, and encouragement. You are right on about one day at a time Hi whit b, Thank you too for taking the time to respond to this post. It has been really helpful for me to be able to write my thoughts down here, but also to hear from others. To see I'm not alone, to hear that others have and are also expierencing such great losses. And that what I'm expierencing is "normal" in a sense. I feel much less iscolated when I hear that others can relate. I'm so sorry that you are expierencing such a magnitude of pain as well. Mothers day really is going to be different, and painful. I think what you are doing with the memory boxes is a brilliant idea. That is so caring of you, and that is an amazing way to honour your mom. I love what you said about trying to focus your energy into remembering or acknowledging how very grateful you are to have had your mom be apart of your life. It is so easy to wish for more time (and rightly so), I say that all the time. But I like taking moments to acknowledge how truest blessed and grateful I am to have had such an amazing mom. I think on Mother's Day, or even in the days leading up, maybe I'll write a letter or journal enters about this Thank you for helping me feel heard, understood, and so much less alone. You've mentioned many things that I think will be helpful, and even the acknowledgement from both you and @reader - the acknowledgment of the immense pain, and how great of a loss we have all expierenced.... all of what you have both said is very much appreciated. Sending all my thanks
  5. Tomorrow will be the 3 month mark of my moms unexpected death. And while I know I will survive, I feel as if the pain and sorrow will over take me. That I will continue to lose another part of me, that my soul will crumble a little more. As each day goes on I feel as if I am fading. I don't feel like myself anymore. All I want is my mom back. I didn't get to say goodbye, I didn't get to tell her I loved her, I didn't get to hold her hand. Since losing my mom I'm questioning everything. My faith, my beliefs, my purpose, the purpose of life it's self. I don't understand how or why my mom would have to go through so many battles throughout her life, yet she was continiously giving, loving and caring unconditionally. Why would she be taken, she was only 64. I'm only 24. I was finally getting to that stage in my life where I began to see how amazing my mother was. But I never got to tell her. She was my heart and my soul. She was (and still is) my everything. Everyday I wake up feeling completely broken. And every night I go to bed crying becaue I don't want to face the next day without her. I keep thinking that I've barely survived the last 3 months, I'm just scraping by. It is hard for me to take care of my basic needs, to shower, to eat (properly), if it wasn't for my dad I'm sure I wouldn't be eating much.... sometimes I cry over the fact that at times just trying to stay hydrated seems like an overwhelming task. The outside world doesn't see it, because when I get out I look and act fine, the only ones who possibly see it is my dad and possibly brother. This week is going to be extremely difficult. Tomorrow is the 3 month mark, and then Sunday is Mother's Day. I don't know how to "make the best of it". I know I will cry, and I know I will feel indescribable pain. But part of my wants to honour my mom. I think I will have the strength to light a candle and talk to her. Maybe if it's a nice day I can sit in the backyard and have my morning coffee- she loves sitting out there. I just need to feel close to her. Does anyone else have any advice on ways to remember? Or even on how to cope? I'd also really appreciate hearing others expierences about how they felt at the early stages and what helped or didn't help. Does it get any "easier"? Will I ever feel like myself again- even if it's a different version of myself? How did you guys make it through some of the most difficult days?
  6. This post is about losing my mom to a pulmonary embolism 2 months ago. I just wanted to write a warning to say that I talk about what I assume are flashbacks of seeing my mom pass. I don't want to upset anyone, so please don't read the rest of the post of this may be too much. ---- Yesterday marked 2 months since the unexpected loss of my mom. She passed away from a massive pulmonary embolism. I'm 24, I never thought I was going to lose my mom. I still live at home, I just started university. I was finally finding my footing, and then I lost one of the most important people in my life...if not the most important. I'm not doing well at all. I saw a lot that day. I saw her lips turning blue and the colour fading from her face, I heard her breathing change, she was saying that she didn't understand, she didn't know what was going on. Surprisingly, she did not sound panicked. I keep seeing them doing cpr on her. The moment the nurse called us to see my mom, she said that they kept getting a weak pulse. I just know that she came to get us to see my mom to say goodbye. But moments after we got in the room they had to start doing cpr again. I didn't get to touch her, hold her, or talk to her. It was that quick. The doctor came out and said it wasn't looking good, we were lead back to a private waiting room. I remember seeing her once she passed. We were not aloud to touch her. (She had a medical procedure done the day before, and therefore they had to do an autopsy). She was laying in the bed, with a tube... I think a breathing tube. At the time we didn't know it was a blood clot, but I vividly remember the tude with what looked like blood in it. My moms eyes were huge, and they looked blue- very blue, which was strange because she had hazel eyes that sometimes had a touch of blue. I keep seeing her in the casket. But she didn't look like her. Since we had to wait for an autopsy, and she my poor mom had to go through that, the funeral director told us AFTER we say my mom and decided to close the casket because we knew she would not have wanted to be seen like that, he told us that because of the autopsy things might have shifted or swollen etc. I never got to say goodbye the way I wanted to, I didn't get to talk to her while she was still here with us, I didn't get to hold her or touch her, my only chance was once she was in the casket, but I was too caught off guard to think/remember that was my last chance. Those 4 things, seeing my moms lips go blue, seeing her while they did cpr, her eyes and breathing tube, and my precious mom in the casket keep coming to me in flashes. I can cope when I choose to think about it, but when they come unexpected I react like a scared animal. I hyperventilate, I shake, I curl up in a ball.... I'm falling apart. After many of these episodes I then get exhausted and I feel detached. I become numb, slowed down, empty.... but only until the next episode. Has anyone been through something similar in terms of what feels like flashbacks? How do you cope? Does it ever get easier? Has anything helped? I miss my mom so much. Sometimes I worry I won't be able to be strong enough to make it through, and make her proud. But that hope- of one day being happy, if even for moments, is the one thing that keeps me going. I know that it would warm my moms heart to see me happy, and thriving. I just hope with all of my being that I can make it to that point. Mommy I love you. I'd do anything to see you one last time, to hold you, to hug you, to talk to you. I miss your smile, and your laugh. I miss seeing you happy, I miss being able to bring you happiness, and my goodness- I miss all the joy and love you gave to me. I miss you
  7. Thank you so much for sharing your expierence, both with loss and with working in the university. I really appreciate hearing about what has worked for you and what you have seen with other students. I finally returned to classes last week, in the weeks leading up to that I only made it into lecture. Fortunately I did not miss too much, but getting caught up is a struggle. I'm trying to tough it out as I am so close to the end of the term, but I'm also realizing that by doing this I will/may have to scarfice some things (having to delay grieving, drop in grades-which I hope I can avoid). It has been a tough call. I am currently speaking to someone for support which has been great, and had the chance to talk to faculty. They have been helpful, and are giving me extensions on papers, allowing me to write exams a little later, and will prorate my grade for a missed test. They were able to offer more than I expected, and I think that has brought me some relief. Again, thank you so much for sharing your expierences with me. It is greatly appreciated. Thank you so much for your thoughtfulness. I'm currently seeing someone for support which has been very helpful. I'm hoping to complete the semester, then I'll have 4 months off for summer, I think the break then will give me some much needed time, I'm just hoping to take things a day at a time until then. Your compassion is greatly appreciated
  8. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to this post. I really appreciate hearing from others in similar situations. I just returned to my classes full time last week- and my goodness, it is difficult. It is so hard going into seminars where none of my peers know the situation, I just feel so alien, not only because no one know, but because I feel like if you've never been in this situation you just don't understand. And I feel like I don't want to advertise to everyone about my mom passing. I told my profs and TA's, yet when going back to seminars nothing was said. I understand that maybe the TA's went comfertable saying anything to me... but it just felt strange. It is frustrating because I'm not performing to my full potential. I barely said anything in class, and half the time my mind isn't as quick as it was. Then there are the assignments and readings and exams coming up... I'm terrified my grades are going to drop severely. It is so tough, but I didn't want to throw my year away. i think you hit on so many things like taking the time to take care of me. I've been majorly lacking in the area, but I think taking the time to exercise,get fresh air , eat proberly will help a lot. I'm glad that I should be done exams by the end of April. Hopefully I can use the summer moths to grieve. I really hate feeling like I need to push my grief, and emotions away in order to get through this term. Honestly, I wish I could just spend my time taking care of me, and thinking about and grieving my mom. I feel like I need to spend time doing things that make me feel close to her. I feel so different saying that I rather be doing other things then school right now, because before this happened school was my everything. Thank you so much for sharing your expierence. I admire your strength and honesty. I admire that you took time off when you so needed it. I also think it is admirable that you are continuing to work on your phd (I'm dreaming of doing the same by I have a ways to go). Right now I'm in my first year and am only taking 2 classes, I can't even imagine the pressure you must be under. I wish you the best in your journey, and am sending many hugs your way. We are doing the best we possible could do right now. Sending love
  9. My mom had a pulmonary embolism a couple weeks ago. My brother and dad heard here yell for help. She couldn't catch her breath. I only saw her for a few moments as she wouldn't want us kids to see her. All I can remember is seeing the fear in her eyes, I heard her saying "I don't know what's going on" I remeber the sound of her breathing, and seeing her colour change, her lips going blue. She died in my moms arms. The abulence came and had to "shock" her. I remember them saying "clear". I didn't get to see them working on her at the home. And my brother didn't let me see her on the strecher going to the ambulance. The next time I saw her was in the hospital for about 10 seconds when they were doing chest compressions. But they couldn't get her back. I didn't get to say good bye. We were able to see her after she passed but I couldn't touch her (they legally had to do an autopsy- thats why... Another story). But these things also keep replaying in my head. It is awful and I am so sorry that you had such a scary expierence as well. I wish I could tell.you it gets better, but I Can't because I don't yet know My heart goes out to you. This is such a difficult situation...
  10. I am so sorry about your loss I feel like losing a parent in university really complicates things. Luckily I like at home as my university isn't too far away. I can't even imagine what it would be like to have to go back to university and leave home. That's what I'm worried about, worried that the school won't be able to help too much besides giving me extensions on a assignment and a missed test. But I have no idea how much extra time they will give me. And I don't know what can help me is getting my weekly seminar readings done. It is so overwhelming. 2-3 weeks doesn't feel like enough time, I feel like this grief will take months if not years.... But even to become a normal functioning person again, I feel would take at least 3 months minimum ... Its like school can't/doesnt know how to help If you ever need to talk to someone about this loss and school I'm here for you. It is so challenging.
  11. I lost my mom less than 3 weeks ago. It was sudden and unexpected and somewhat tramatic to me. She was not sick. I'm finding it hard to cope. I'm drained, it is hard to focus, I can't make decisions, I have no motivation, I feel very depressed... The list could go on and on... One thing I'm struggling with is returning to school. I went to a lecture for 2 hours today and I'm drained. I'm in a fog. Just going to this one class took everything from me. This week I will likely be talking to my professors (I've already emailed them), but we will likely be setting up times for make up test since I missed one, and assignment extentions. I wonder if there is anything else I need to address. My concern is the classes I attend in which you get graded based on participation. It is one thing to listen to a lecture, but going to class prepared and knowledge of topics at hand seems daunting to me. I haven't even been able to read anything from my textbook the last 2 weeks or so. I hate the thought of my grades dropping, I was doing so well, but I'll have to see what I can do. Has anyone lost my parent while in university? What was your expjerence like? When did you go back to classes? Was the school able to help and how?