Sharyn01

Members
  • Content count

    19
  • Joined

  • Last visited

About Sharyn01

  • Rank
    Member
  • Birthday September 10

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    Southern Ohio
  • Loss Type
    Spouse
  • Angel Date
    02/13/17

Converted

  • Last Name
    Knox
  • First Name
    Sharyn
  1. I spent the day paying off his car and looking for the info I needed for the attorney, to make sure that our ducks are in a row as far as the medication error on the part of the VA which caused his death. I found everything I think I needed so when I see the attorney today, I have it all gathered up. I have went through over 1500 pages of medical records and have found so many things that just dont jive. So with all that I am, I hope I have the proof he needs to proceed with suing with the VA. I cant imagine what else I would need but you never know with this kinds of cases. I know today is going to be a very emotional day, yesterday was bad so I can only imagine what today is going to be. I have made it my mission to force the VA to change their standard protocol procedures for patients that are hospitalized. And with any luck, maybe this will be the one that does make a difference. I so hope it does. Because I don't want another family feeling the way I have for the past 5+ weeks. I am so glad I have this group, because when I can't seem to pull my thoughts together, I come on here and am reminded I am not the only one in all this pain. And that there is hope for a brighter future. The pain will lessen in time if I just remember to give it time. I just want to feel normal again and I really don't see that happening at this point in time. I feel like I am walking around in a fog most of the time. I have some good days dont get me wrong, but as time moves forward the good days seem to be less Maybe the realization is real now. Maybe I know that nothing I can do is going to bring my husband back. I just want to get through this and know that someday I will be alright again.
  2. Your use the phrase soulmate, it made me smile. Mike used to tell me for years we were soulmates and meant to be together but I just wasn't having any part of it. If only I had listened to him,we would of had many many more years together. But as I firmly believe, everything comes in its own time, so I am sure it wasn't meant to be until it was. Peace is what I love about this ole farm. I also am carrying on the best I can with the stuff I know that he wanted to do or wanted done.
  3. Funny thing about where we live at, Mike grew up here his entire life almost was on this property. And I grew up a mile down the road, until I got old enough to move away. Which I did do, but as they say you eventually always go home and this is where I am today. A mile from where I grew up and on his family's home place. I don't think Mike would of been happy any place else. This place meant the world to him. His Dad bought it when he was a young child and this is what he considered home. I am glad he at least managed to live where he wanted at because he would of never been happy. I used to tell him I couldn't see me living back down here as I was used to the busier aspect of society and this is a really rural area. In fact, if you see 15 cars pass my house in a day, it must be Sunday and they are headed to the church on top of the hill. But here I am almost 14 years later, hating when I have to go to one of the towns that is 30 miles away. I can't stand the traffic or the amount of people.
  4. I told Mike this many times, as long as we were together I didn't care where we were. It never got to that point while we were together but had it, I would of been there.
  5. Fzald, I really do understand where you are coming from, minus the money situation. I had lost both parents by the time I was 19, taking on the custody of my younger siblings when my Mama died when I was 18. My grandfather died when I was 4 months old, my grandmother when I was 4ish or thereabouts. I have lost all my aunts and uncles on my Mama's side but one. When the last surviving Aunt died last year, that as my cousin said made me the matriarch of the family on that side, a job I really don't like. I haven't worked in over 15 years, Mike was very old fashioned and my only responsibility was to take loving critters they are now. I guess as I said before I depended on him entirely to much as I see it now. He was my rock and now my rock has been shattered into little bitty pieces and I don't like the feeling that goes with that. I have never considered myself the helpless type but I sure feel that way at the moment. My emotions aren't helping me at all, it seems like the past few days have been way worse than it was a few weeks ago, when and a few weeks after his death.
  6. I did manage to calm myself down and get through the rest of the day, by reminding myself that his sister is who she is. Her problem with him should of been brought to his attention when he could deal with it and not after he was gone and brought to mine because I will defend him until my dying day. But as I said yesterday, its a good thing she didn't answer her phone. It would of not been pretty I am sure. I was so mad I just knew that it was going to end up badly. I had to call my tv company today and explain to them that Mike's insurance was not coming through and I needed to cancel the account before the contract was up. Of course, they tried to help me as best they could, but it wasn't a whole lot of help. I am really starting to feel the blows of him being gone. As he was the sole breadwinner of our family, the money situation is getting scary. I never had to worry about this stuff when he was here, he always had the money we needed when we needed it. And this is scary scary scary. Not only did I lose him, one by one I am losing the things that we had together. Granted I didn't watch that much tv, I am not a tv watcher, I would rather use my computer and internet for whatever I want to watch. But I am really starting to fear my future, at this point. I am scared of what tomorrow is going to bring. Our savings is whipped out with paying the funeral home, had no choice that bill had to be paid. I already was one to question my faith, by losing my Mama when I was 18 and my brother when he was 35. Now I am really questioning my faith because why would I be going through all this when Mike and I had back up plans for everything. It seems like I am being punished for loving the man that no one else could love because he wouldn't let them. I am just holding on today it seems. I thought I was handling things so well, then the bills started coming in and the money is really short. I am sure that there is not going to be nothing given to me that I can't handle (as Mike liked to remind me a lot) but I wish I didn't feel like my world is falling apart worse than ever. Losing Mike was bad enough but all this other stuff is insane to deal with also.
  7. I made it through another day. I was doing well with it until I went to check the mail and his sister that he hadn't had contact with in years, and definitely not since we been married, over 13 years now, sent a sympathy card with a snide remark about him in it. Then the day just went to hell from there. I got her phone number from another family member and she wont answer her phone to hear what I got to say which is probably for the best anyway. I just don't get people sometimes, I swear I don't. It is suppose to snow here tonight, not looking forward to that at all. I don't drive in snow so I am pretty much house bound until its gone. Although thankfully we aren't getting as much as out East so I really shouldn't complain. But it is just another reminder, that I depended on Mike way to much. I was always so willing to let him drive me instead of me driving me. Thanks everyone for listening to me and reminding me that even though we may never meet, there are people out there who know what I am feeling and understand the pain I am in. Because I have no one close to me that has lost their spouse or significant other. I am the only member of this club among the people I know.
  8. I made it to the one month mark...my heart is dying slowly inside. Its starting to really sink in he isnt coming home ever again. I finally made myself go into my living room this weekend and straighten it up. I hadn't been in there since he passed in there on Feb 13th. But I realized that he built that room with all the windows in it so that I could enjoy the sunshine in the winter. So I went in there and did what I had to do. I even managed to fall asleep on the couch, best 2 nights sleep I have had since he passed. I am not sure what today is going to bring but I am sure whatever it is, it is going to be dealt with the way it needs to. I am finally realizing nothing is going to bring him back and there is no way for him to advise me anymore so its all on me now.
  9. Mike is the only one who ever "got me". We were two of the same, and that's what made our marriage work. I am only wanting the assurance that it will never happen to another veteran. Those folks deserve only the best, and they dang sure aren't getting it at this point. But if I can make a difference you can guarantee I am going to do my level best to make that difference. I am so angry with the VA that my blood boils at just the thought of them hurting our veterans. I guess that's what being married to that bald headed Marine taught me. He was proud of his service to our country and would do it again in a split second if the need ever arose. And I'm going to honor that in the only way I know how and that is preventing stupid mistakes like this from happening again. I have no doubt whatsoever that Mike is cheering me on. He knows I have more fight in me than most people and I will not give up until I feel that this kind of mistake will never happen again. I don't want another veteran's family feeling the way I do. I just wont accept, it was a mistake, there has to be better precautions put into place to prevent such errors in the future. His death will not be shoved under the rug and forgotten. Its going to change the way things are handled at the VA if I have my way about it.
  10. yes, it has gave me a way to channel my grief into a more productive way of dealing with it
  11. I have learned early in life (I was 18 when my Mom passed away, suddenly with no warning) that there is no guarantees of a tomorrow. But its still such a shock to get up each morning and realize that the man who loved me the most isn't here anymore and he is never coming back. I am not sure what today is going to bring, but whatever it is, I will face it with bravery and the things that I learned over the 13+ years that Mike and I have been married. He always said "Dont worry about what you cant control". That phrase used to drive me crazy, because by nature I worry enough for everyone. But I am beginning to see why he used that phrase as much as he did. It was his coping mechanism and the way he dealt with things. I have the proof I need that the doctor screwed up and gave him a medication he should of never gave him. Now my goal is that I am going to make sure it never happens to another veteran or veterans family. Yes I am not sure what path I need to take to do that, but I will until my dying day, work towards that goal. Mike was very proud of the time he spent in the Marines, and I am going to honor him in the only way I know how and that is making sure that what happened to him, happens to no one else. And I believe that is really helping me with my grieving right now.
  12. Thank you everyone for the replies. It really does help me knowing that I am not as alone as I feel at times. Friends are one thing that Mike and I didnt have many of. Our worlds was wrapped up in each other and our farm. This is where we chose to make our life together and I am amazed at how few friends he and I really did have. You never think about that until it is something that knocks you down.
  13. To be honest, I really am not sure how much processing my mind has really done. Yea, I been doing some paperwork and things that need to be done, paying the bills that need paid, and all that but as long as I dont think about him being gone forever, then I can do what I need to do. Mike is actually the one who wanted to start the rescue. And for 10 years we did it on our own, never asked for help at all from anyone. Now I may have to give up some of the very dogs that he promised this would be their last home. He was such a great animal person. He never met a dog that didn't love him. He was just that way. Most of our dogs are dogs that were dumped here in the vicinity of our farm. How someone could be so cruel is beyond me. Yes, I do believe in his own way, Mike is proud of me. I haven't given in to the pain and totally lost my mind. And I am trying to remember him telling me, don't spend a lot of time crying. Do what you have to do and get back to doing what you know you are suppose to do. And pretty much I have done just that. I still cant believe I am starting the 3rd week of life without him but I have learned to do things that I didn't have to do because he was the one that always did it. Which can only be a good thing in the end, learning new things is what life is all about. Although I wish he could see me trying to do some of the things he used to do. I am sure he would get a real chuckle out of it. Im off to start my next day without him, so lets see what today brings.
  14. That in itself, is what keeps me a little on the sane side. I keep saying I am not the first wife who ever lost her husband. But at times it sure does feel like it. I have never counted in days, because I just couldn't do it that way. I figure if I can survive from one week to the next, I am doing better than I give myself credit for. Everyone tells me how well I am doing, but if they only knew the truth of it.