Sharyn01

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About Sharyn01

  • Rank
    Member
  • Birthday September 10

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    Southern Ohio
  • Loss Type
    Spouse
  • Angel Date
    02/13/17

Converted

  • Last Name
    Knox
  • First Name
    Sharyn
  1. Today, exactly 2 months ago, I lost the only person that could ever get me. Its been a nightmare today, lots and lots of tears, even more questioning why. I keep trying to do things to wear me out so I can go to sleep and wake up to a fresh day tomorrow and so far nothing has came close. I even resorted to taking the Zanax the dr gave me right after it happened to calm me down enough so I could get the tears to stop for a little while to make it easier to breathe. I know that there is no easy way but straight through this, but I wish I could go a little faster through it (kinda like barreling through a big mud puddle when 4 wheeling). I been told how well I am doing, but the truth is, I only let people see what I want them to see. I cant now or ever have been able to show emotions in front of people, so I am really glad that there was no visitors today because I wouldnt of opened the door. I know I havent traveled into this journey long enough for it to be over, but oh I wish I have that way at least the heart wrenching pain will be gone. I dont know how I can keep this up, the griever shuffle (2 steps forward, 4 backwards). I feel like I am losing my mind more days than not. I feel so upset with myself for being this way, but I dont know how to get a grip on my emotions anymore. I have always held them and only let them out when I wanted to. Its what got me to where I was before Mike passed away and now I can't even do it anymore. I think the fact that I still have to do the Celebration of Life is not helping any. I have so much planning to do yet and not even starting because every time I think about it, I know that will be almost the end of him still being here. His sister is upset because I refuse to bury his ashes the day of the thing but I know that he wouldnt want me to have all those people up in his private area. He was so particular about who was allowed up there anyway and I just feel I would be doing something he doesnt want by allowing all the people that want to go to go. When he passed away, I said I wanted to wait until it was warm and the weather could be better predicted so that I could plan for a day that we could do what he wanted. But I am not ready for all that yet. He wanted a cookout outside with a bonfire and lots of stories told about the stupid stuff he done. There wont be any shortage of those stories. My Mike did alot of stuff that if you weren't there, you would of never believed it. Once again, thank you all for listening (reading what I wrote) when I am losing my mind. I cant offer any advice to anyone at this moment, because I dont even know how I am doing it, getting through each day.
  2. Thanks everyone. I just dont feel like I am dealing with it as well. Maybe it is the shock wearing off and denial is taking place. I do know I am not functioning at the level I was up until thelast week or so. Its like my world crashing all over again. I am trying to remember I promissed not alot of tears, I would brush myself off and go on. But all these decisions and having to think about buying things he wanted for himself that we never got around to buying. It now seems like in order for me to survive like I did, (we use a woodstove, and his saw quit working and I took it to shop he used and they told me they wouldnt guarantee they could get parts, the saw is so old. And he always wanted a log splitter, well if I am going to continue using the woodstove as my heat source then I am going to have to buy a log splitter and a new saw). I just cant make these kinds of decisions. I know nothing about either one and I have no one to advise me on how to go about it that I trust to give me good advice. I just cant do it! I want to be strong like he wanted me to be, but I just dont have it in me anymore. I tried and I failed miseribly.
  3. When Michael passed 8 weeks ago today I didnt think life could take me any further down. Boy was I proved wrong. My weekend was horrible, trying to do things that need done and everything going wrong that could go wrong. Today while outside trying to enjoy the beautiful sunny weather, all I wanted to do was cry. Everywhere I looked there was something to remind me of Mike. I am so hoping as Spring turns into Summer that this eases some because I'm almost sure I cant take many more days like today. It definitely was the worse since the morning I found him gone. At first I had my focus on fighting the VA (which I still do, but I have lost my mojo waiting....). I am starting to feel the hurt I pushed away for the first 8 weeks. I aint one to complain but I really am having a hard time focusing and managing to keep my mind quiet enough to remember to eat and such easy things I should remember anyway.Now I just want to sit and cry and ask why. I know this is part of the grieving process I am sure. Thank you for being here to come to and type to when I am now finally losing my grip on my reality. It will get better so they say, but I seem to be getting worse now. I hope that this feeling leaves and lets me go back to where I was. I was doing so good or so I thought. Key being, so I thought I guess.
  4. My husband died on my living room floor. A room that he specifically designed and built for me. Because I love sunshine, the windows were special sizes and that kind of stuff. It took me over a month to decide it was time to get my hiney back into the room he built for me. I spent a lot of time dwelling on the fact that was where he died. BUT I also know that he built that room specifically for me. I pushed myself and there isnt a room in my house I cant go into now, verus sitting on the porch in 20 degree weather every day, except to go to the bathroom and to bed. There is hope that you can go back to your apartment but only you can make that decision. It took me many tries before I got myself back into my living room but once I did it, I was a little more at peace with his death, if you can ever be in such a state. I wish you lots of peace in whatever decision you make.
  5. I spent the day paying off his car and looking for the info I needed for the attorney, to make sure that our ducks are in a row as far as the medication error on the part of the VA which caused his death. I found everything I think I needed so when I see the attorney today, I have it all gathered up. I have went through over 1500 pages of medical records and have found so many things that just dont jive. So with all that I am, I hope I have the proof he needs to proceed with suing with the VA. I cant imagine what else I would need but you never know with this kinds of cases. I know today is going to be a very emotional day, yesterday was bad so I can only imagine what today is going to be. I have made it my mission to force the VA to change their standard protocol procedures for patients that are hospitalized. And with any luck, maybe this will be the one that does make a difference. I so hope it does. Because I don't want another family feeling the way I have for the past 5+ weeks. I am so glad I have this group, because when I can't seem to pull my thoughts together, I come on here and am reminded I am not the only one in all this pain. And that there is hope for a brighter future. The pain will lessen in time if I just remember to give it time. I just want to feel normal again and I really don't see that happening at this point in time. I feel like I am walking around in a fog most of the time. I have some good days dont get me wrong, but as time moves forward the good days seem to be less Maybe the realization is real now. Maybe I know that nothing I can do is going to bring my husband back. I just want to get through this and know that someday I will be alright again.
  6. Your use the phrase soulmate, it made me smile. Mike used to tell me for years we were soulmates and meant to be together but I just wasn't having any part of it. If only I had listened to him,we would of had many many more years together. But as I firmly believe, everything comes in its own time, so I am sure it wasn't meant to be until it was. Peace is what I love about this ole farm. I also am carrying on the best I can with the stuff I know that he wanted to do or wanted done.
  7. Funny thing about where we live at, Mike grew up here his entire life almost was on this property. And I grew up a mile down the road, until I got old enough to move away. Which I did do, but as they say you eventually always go home and this is where I am today. A mile from where I grew up and on his family's home place. I don't think Mike would of been happy any place else. This place meant the world to him. His Dad bought it when he was a young child and this is what he considered home. I am glad he at least managed to live where he wanted at because he would of never been happy. I used to tell him I couldn't see me living back down here as I was used to the busier aspect of society and this is a really rural area. In fact, if you see 15 cars pass my house in a day, it must be Sunday and they are headed to the church on top of the hill. But here I am almost 14 years later, hating when I have to go to one of the towns that is 30 miles away. I can't stand the traffic or the amount of people.
  8. I told Mike this many times, as long as we were together I didn't care where we were. It never got to that point while we were together but had it, I would of been there.
  9. Fzald, I really do understand where you are coming from, minus the money situation. I had lost both parents by the time I was 19, taking on the custody of my younger siblings when my Mama died when I was 18. My grandfather died when I was 4 months old, my grandmother when I was 4ish or thereabouts. I have lost all my aunts and uncles on my Mama's side but one. When the last surviving Aunt died last year, that as my cousin said made me the matriarch of the family on that side, a job I really don't like. I haven't worked in over 15 years, Mike was very old fashioned and my only responsibility was to take loving critters they are now. I guess as I said before I depended on him entirely to much as I see it now. He was my rock and now my rock has been shattered into little bitty pieces and I don't like the feeling that goes with that. I have never considered myself the helpless type but I sure feel that way at the moment. My emotions aren't helping me at all, it seems like the past few days have been way worse than it was a few weeks ago, when and a few weeks after his death.
  10. I did manage to calm myself down and get through the rest of the day, by reminding myself that his sister is who she is. Her problem with him should of been brought to his attention when he could deal with it and not after he was gone and brought to mine because I will defend him until my dying day. But as I said yesterday, its a good thing she didn't answer her phone. It would of not been pretty I am sure. I was so mad I just knew that it was going to end up badly. I had to call my tv company today and explain to them that Mike's insurance was not coming through and I needed to cancel the account before the contract was up. Of course, they tried to help me as best they could, but it wasn't a whole lot of help. I am really starting to feel the blows of him being gone. As he was the sole breadwinner of our family, the money situation is getting scary. I never had to worry about this stuff when he was here, he always had the money we needed when we needed it. And this is scary scary scary. Not only did I lose him, one by one I am losing the things that we had together. Granted I didn't watch that much tv, I am not a tv watcher, I would rather use my computer and internet for whatever I want to watch. But I am really starting to fear my future, at this point. I am scared of what tomorrow is going to bring. Our savings is whipped out with paying the funeral home, had no choice that bill had to be paid. I already was one to question my faith, by losing my Mama when I was 18 and my brother when he was 35. Now I am really questioning my faith because why would I be going through all this when Mike and I had back up plans for everything. It seems like I am being punished for loving the man that no one else could love because he wouldn't let them. I am just holding on today it seems. I thought I was handling things so well, then the bills started coming in and the money is really short. I am sure that there is not going to be nothing given to me that I can't handle (as Mike liked to remind me a lot) but I wish I didn't feel like my world is falling apart worse than ever. Losing Mike was bad enough but all this other stuff is insane to deal with also.
  11. I made it through another day. I was doing well with it until I went to check the mail and his sister that he hadn't had contact with in years, and definitely not since we been married, over 13 years now, sent a sympathy card with a snide remark about him in it. Then the day just went to hell from there. I got her phone number from another family member and she wont answer her phone to hear what I got to say which is probably for the best anyway. I just don't get people sometimes, I swear I don't. It is suppose to snow here tonight, not looking forward to that at all. I don't drive in snow so I am pretty much house bound until its gone. Although thankfully we aren't getting as much as out East so I really shouldn't complain. But it is just another reminder, that I depended on Mike way to much. I was always so willing to let him drive me instead of me driving me. Thanks everyone for listening to me and reminding me that even though we may never meet, there are people out there who know what I am feeling and understand the pain I am in. Because I have no one close to me that has lost their spouse or significant other. I am the only member of this club among the people I know.
  12. I made it to the one month mark...my heart is dying slowly inside. Its starting to really sink in he isnt coming home ever again. I finally made myself go into my living room this weekend and straighten it up. I hadn't been in there since he passed in there on Feb 13th. But I realized that he built that room with all the windows in it so that I could enjoy the sunshine in the winter. So I went in there and did what I had to do. I even managed to fall asleep on the couch, best 2 nights sleep I have had since he passed. I am not sure what today is going to bring but I am sure whatever it is, it is going to be dealt with the way it needs to. I am finally realizing nothing is going to bring him back and there is no way for him to advise me anymore so its all on me now.
  13. Mike is the only one who ever "got me". We were two of the same, and that's what made our marriage work. I am only wanting the assurance that it will never happen to another veteran. Those folks deserve only the best, and they dang sure aren't getting it at this point. But if I can make a difference you can guarantee I am going to do my level best to make that difference. I am so angry with the VA that my blood boils at just the thought of them hurting our veterans. I guess that's what being married to that bald headed Marine taught me. He was proud of his service to our country and would do it again in a split second if the need ever arose. And I'm going to honor that in the only way I know how and that is preventing stupid mistakes like this from happening again. I have no doubt whatsoever that Mike is cheering me on. He knows I have more fight in me than most people and I will not give up until I feel that this kind of mistake will never happen again. I don't want another veteran's family feeling the way I do. I just wont accept, it was a mistake, there has to be better precautions put into place to prevent such errors in the future. His death will not be shoved under the rug and forgotten. Its going to change the way things are handled at the VA if I have my way about it.