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Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
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    • ModKonnie

      Advertisements   09/05/2017

      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie

Andrew's girl

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  1. Celebration of His Life and Love

    Beautiful message Francine. You are in my thoughts and prayers today Love and hugs.
  2. The 15th

    Hi Francine, I needed to hear this, thank you I hope your anniversary day was kind and gentle. Thank you ALL for the kind replies.
  3. The 15th

    Today marks three and a half months. Time has become my enemy,it keeps getting harder. Your memory brings pain,sadness and tears,with you gone, the memories are all I have,I pray for the day I will celebrate your life.For the day I will be able to sit with friends and family as they talk about how amazing you were, how much joy you brought them.I want to look back at the four years we shared and the happiness from that overcomes all the pain. I want to remember the way you lived and not how it ended.For now,it is one day at a time,they say grief is love weeping,I love you forever.With the Easter holidays here,your absence is felt and you are missed.Watch over us from up there,it's a hard one and I'm trying to stay afloat but it's not easy. I love you babe and I miss you.
  4. Hi

    Yes I am
  5. Hi

    Yes I am really okay:) I know I'll have to be more alert.That was "my wake up call" I need to take care of myself better,as hard as it is:(
  6. Hi

    Hi Andy and Kay C, Thank you. It's very overwhelming for me right now,I'm feeling like I should have know better (backed up all my texts or something) ,I'm now constantly afraid I'll loose something else.It all comes down to I miss Andrew ,I keep looking for him in everything.I have had a picture of him in my wallet(pretty old pic,been there maybe for an year) a few days ago I found the old pic in my wallet,it was hidden behind a few cards.At first,looking at his face,it felt so unfamiliar ,then it hit me and I broke down,i realized how long it had actually been. I miss his face, i miss him.
  7. Hi

    I have not written on here (or even on my journal) for a while now.I could no longer write about my feelings through this anymore. I've been on 'auto pilot' trying to function as best as I can,doing only what's really necessary. My mind has been racing,I try to get decent sleep but the thoughts don't stop. Early last week,I got into an accident of some sort, I was crossing the road on a pretty busy street, as usual my mind was so far from the moment, things happened really fast, this car swerved right to where i was walking and hit me,i fell on my left side.I was lucky enough to escape with soft tissue injuries on my arm and knee and not broken bones.I know things could have been worse. In all this ,I broke my phone. It can now not work at all,totally wrecked. I have photos and videos of Andrew and me on it,I managed to back some up,but I can't seem to recover our texts conversations. I always found myself reading our messages ,I felt his voice in the texts,reading the 'I love you's on the text,I found my comfort there.Now I have lost that.It feels like another part of him I have lost. I hate it.I feel like my world is spinning too fast and I'm losing my mind. I know that it may not seem as much but it is to me.I can't lose a part of Andrew again. Its been three months now,and no things are not getting better with time.I have never had an accident in my life until now,I have never lost someone who was my world until now. I wrote here hoping maybe saying things out loud will help me work my thoughts and feelings through. Thank you.
  8. I can't celebrate tomorrow.

    Hi Herc, Thank you. It's definitely a long and painful journey.
  9. I can't celebrate tomorrow.

    Thanking each of you for the kind messages. I am not doing too well. I was feeling better one day and the next i felt like i was back to where i started.Things feel raw, the pain ,the confusion ,the anger everything is back. I felt like I was taking one step towards finding peace, but now my heart is back to screaming with pain. I know this moments will always happen I thought however they would be get easier with time, the healing would start? I can barely get through doing the necessities, I am scared all the time, which right now is worse . I have been staying alone for the first since all this happened, i have not moved any of his things ,I'm sleeping in my living room the idea of sleeping in my bed seems impossible. Even with this I barely get a goodnight sleep.I do not have any nightmares but I always find myself up at around 2am, scared, so I stay up until I leave for work ,where I barely function. I have gone to the bathroom more times than I would like to admit, just to get some space to breakdown . I know i should allow myself time to feel every emotion but this is the scariest thing I have had to do in my 24 years, There moments I feel Andrew is beside me, especially when I'm at home alone.I talk to him (as weird as this may sound)but I end up loosing it.I cry because I want him back, i need him. There things I never had to do myself because he always took care of them.Now i'm dragging a lot to "I will do the 'tomorrow'" I miss you babe.I will find the light someday.
  10. I can't celebrate tomorrow.

    Thank you for all your kind words. I'm feeling a little better. Getting through our anniversary weekend was the worst,it was me hitting rock bottom.I felt as though the world was throwing it all in my face.I felt so lonely, I was angry at what I could have had on that day, but did not. I had a lot of 'what if' moments and they did not make things any better. I miss him everyday and it's always so painful.I read somewhere that our loved ones memories will bring us warmth and comfort,I want to remember him for all the love,all the good he brought to my life.His goofy side, everything his beautiful soul shared with me. I’m having a tough time coming to terms with how things ended. The worst thing about losing him. was how violent it was. The questions that have, some I will never get answers to, watching as the Justice system drags his case along, seeing the accused on the papers, yeah , it is a night mare. The fact that I was not there to save him and that I never got the chance to say goodbye or tell him I loved him. Everyday I try not to fill my heart with anger and hate, some days, it is just impossible. I have been told by a few to many people in my life to move on."It is time to let go of the past" This words hurt me. So I don't really talk to my friends about my pain anymore. I hate that any of us is going through this, but having people that relate to my pain and understand me is helping.Thank you
  11. I can't celebrate tomorrow.

    Thank you for the kind and inspiring messages. I have read them over and over and every time I get hope that I will make and that I'm not alone. Thank you. This feels too heavy for me,the tears. I'm still trying to see what comes after losing you babe. I want to believe I'm strong enough to get through, but I can't seem to get over the anger I have and my pain too. I tried going for a walk earlier with my friend,I watched as everyone was getting on with their lives,it made me sad. I kept looking for Andrew in every face. Every minute I feel my heart breaking. My mind is foggy. Things should not be like this, not for anyone. I don't want to give up, for myself and for Andrew. Happy 5th Anniversary babe. I love you forever and a day. I miss you. I miss you here with me.
  12. I can't celebrate tomorrow.

    I'm just going to write through this tears, this might be a downer it's a tough night and I'm trying to stay afloat. I'm sorry. So here I am dreading for tomorrow. 4th March marks our love anniversary and I really can't do this. Not alone. My boyfriend, Andrew(25yrs) passed away on 15th January 2017. Since his passing, it's been the hardest. I miss him so much. He was literary my constant. This would have been our 5th year anniversary. I remember what turned out to be our last date(a day before he met his untimely death) i remember it so well. I remember his hug, his laugh, his forehead kiss (he was quite shy with the PDA) his last 'I love you ' We planned our anniversary on that day. Tomorrow would have been ours. And now, I'm all alone. I find myself being angry at him for not being here and i know this is very selfish of me . I'm angry at myself for not being with him to save. I have never wished to be with him as much as today. I don't know how anyone gets through this, because right now where I stand, this looks like the end for me as well. To a tough night and all. Thank you for reading. Oh. Babe you would not be very proud of your girl tonight. Giving up the fight. I'm sorry.
  13. Girlfriend died at age 22. Totally devastated.

    Hi Fzald, I'm so sorry for your loss. I know way too well that these words don't make things easier. I am really sorry for everyone on this site, for all your painful experiences I'm a newbie to this site. I'm still not sure how I discovered it but I am grateful I did. On January 15th 2017, I lost my boyfriend, Andrew. He was killed in the most horrific way,his life was unfairly cut shot when he was attacked on his way back home.He was just 25 Years old (I am 23 years) Every time I think about it, my heart breaks.My head is still stuck.My thoughts are jumbled up.For the longest of days I have felt this wave of sadness and pain.I have cried so much.I have yelled out of anger, I have lashed out at people who did nothing but try and care for me.Andrew was my safe haven for the for the last four years,I loved him and still do.We had a life planned out together,everything down to what our favourite baby names. In him I found my soul mate and best friend. The 4th of March, would have been our fifth year anniversary With every painful emotion I have gone through, lately however I'm numb. I cant seem to tell how I feel. I feel nothing.It's like being stuck.I don't know if this is normal and I am scared. I have been told that it will get better,I don't see how.I have spent everyday missing my boyfriend, wishing he will call me and tell me this is just a bad nightmare.He will walk into door with this huge smile, hug me and kiss me on the forehead , I want to hear his voice "I love you more Mtoto (Swahili for Babe)" I want everything back.