The Girl

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About The Girl

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

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  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    US
  • Loss Type
    Loss of mother
  • Angel Date
    2-9-17

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  • First Name
    Jill

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  1. I'm very sorry for your loss. The relationship and bond you shared with your mom is special in that it can only exist between the two of you. It's an especially difficult one to get through. But it also graced you with the person you are today, and it's a treasure to have so much in common to remember her by. There will be many, many more loving relationships in your life. They won't be the same, and really, who would want them to be? You'll always have that with your mom wherever she is and it's something you'll always charish. But you'll develop other strong bonds that will get you through each phase of your life. I lost my mom 2 months ago and she imparted much of her interests and personality in me as well. She wasn't a single mother, but my dad worked like all the time and I have 2 brothers, so our mother daughter relationship flourished...hence my username The Girl. The music she shared with me has been comforting through this, and often saddens me at the same time. But one of the most comforting moments in my grieving was creating a playlist for her funeral. So many songs we loved I saw in a new light. They spoke to my feelings in words I wouldn't have thought of on my own. The hair bands of the 80s were known for their ballads. I know I've created playlists from those alone! So maybe you would find comfort in that, too. A playlist just for your mom to listen to when you need it. As for your own future kids...if and when you decide to have some, chances are you'll connect with them despite what interests you share. You'll imprint on them regardless, and love the person they become, whatever they choose to like.
  2. Completelylost, my mom passed away 2 months ago. It was during her last week that we knew she wouldn't make it and I started grieving before she had passed. It felt more real then than it has since. Some days I feel very little. Like my mind refuses to go there b/c it's too hard, and I don't fight it b/c I welcome the break. That loss is just very difficult to process, whether I'm crying about it or feeling numb to it, it all comes from the same place. There's no wrong way to grieve. Maybe the hardest part for you was in sharing those last moments and saying goodbye. Maybe it'll hit you a year from now. There's no way of knowing. We can also grieve differently for different people in our lives, or during different times in our lives. Grief really is a tricky thing. I've lost all but 1 grandparent. 2 passed within days of each other and it was so hard seeing them during their last weeks that after they passed, I felt more relieved for their peace than anything. Then I lost my aunt a month later and it hit me hard. So really, who knows where grief will lead us. In your two posts on this thread, you've sprinkled enough words that clearly tell me how much you loved your nanna. If it's that clear to me, I'm sure she knew quite well how much she meant to you.
  3. I'm sorry for your loss. We all grieve differently, and we can even grieve differently than we expect to. Grieving doesn't have to mean tears, even if you're normally a more emotional person. Losing someone so significant is a shock, so it's also possible you're still in denial (denial is typical during grieving process). You said you feel the loss but only when you allow yourself to, which isn't often. That may be your answer. It's a very difficult thing to go through, and it's okay to go through it at your own pace and as you feel ready (or I guess as ready as anyone can be for something like this). But it does seem like to get through it, you have to go through it. All the grief you're feeling, it's just the love you have for your nanna. I've read that for those who feel overwhelmed by having to feel their grief, it can be helpful to set aside a little time each day in a private area and think about the one they lost. That way you reserve the hardest feelings for when you can devote your mind to it in a safe and quiet place. And you know what, not all sadness ends in tears anyway. The most profound losses in our lives run deeper than that, b/c they take a part of you with them.
  4. I'm so sorry for your loss, and that it had been cut short from what time you expected to have left. I've heard the first few months can be the "easiest" b/c there's still so much shock and denial at that time. Maybe that's what you're experiencing now, the shock wearing off and giving way to the full scope of your loss. I can totally relate to you on not having patience. Especially during the times where I feel my worst, my temper is short and my understanding wears thin. Are you able to do anything to get your mind off your loss? Or have you found a way to channel your grief into something that benefits you somehow? (Such as honoring your grandma in some way, or writing in a grief journal.) A loss that devastating is so much to take in w/o getting some sort of break from it.
  5. ELiz, guests, Christmas, and a newborn is a lot to stack onto such a loss. It feels like anything can trigger those emotions, and everything is so exhausting anyway. I'd be very welcoming of any normalcy, and I think I really believed by now there could be those moments. Now that visitors are fast approaching I'm realizing I'm nowhere near ready. It's hard to deny the significant others a break from the monotony of what we're going through. Part of me thinks he's lucky it's not him and whatever he's dealing with regarding my depression and isolation pales in comparison, but then another part feels bad telling him he can't see people. We haven't lived here long enough to have forged many real friendships. This first visit will be his dad and stepmom. I couldn't say no to that. I was going to have him hold off on our friends visiting 2 weeks following that, but didn't tell him before he made the final arrangements. It's just going to be exhausting. missdad, there will likely be a lot of jumping around between emotions. It's hard enough on its own but when you have to be somewhere where you're expected to be normal, it's that much more exhausting trying to keep up. It's like you have to put so much energy into pretending things are normal and in trying to concentrate, that once you drag yourself back home you either want to crash or cry, or both. I know exactly what you mean about feeling guilty if they're not on your mind. I've had to tell myself my mom can't actually read my thoughts, and it's okay to let my mind rest. There were times where the sadness and desperation to have her back felt so intense that it felt like any more and I'd go crazy. At that point I started letting my mind wander more. Giving into distractions seemed to help some. It's like by letting my mind take breaks I was able to let go of some stress and process everything better. I really hope things get a little easier for you. I don't know when that empty feeling goes away. Only that after awhile the tears feel a little less urgent and the emotions overall get a little less dramatic.
  6. @Mamaslittleprincess I do understand not being able to talk about these things to some of the people closest to us. I've only talked to my dad once since my mom's funeral and have a brother who has completely isolated himself. Everyone deals with their grief differently. Personally, the men in my family tend to be more guarded emotionally. And my dad is just the same about his children, no matter how grown we are. I guess dads are supposed to protect us, despite our age or what they're protecting us from. They take that job very seriously! W/o crying and talking about the loss, I don't know how things will get better. Maybe after long enough they just get used to living with it. I'm sorry to hear you're unhappy in your new responsibilities. I know I could never fill my mom's shoes. In losing someone who played that large of a role, we do have to step up to try to fill in the blanks of day to day life. It's a lot to take on, especially when you're dealing with a traumatic grief. One day it'll feel more natural, and maybe even one day your true self will be able to intertwine with those responsibilities. It's important you take time for yourself throughout this. Everything may feel bleak, like you can't find yourself, or the things you once enjoyed have lost all meaning, but finding some distraction that nurtures yourself will help give your mind a break that you really do deserve. You know, it's very normal to take a side between parents. Especially as kids, but even during adulthood we tend to follow the lead of one parent over the other. I remember traveling with my family on a 20+ hour drive to Disney World. My dad was the driver, but even for him that was a long and tiring trip. My mom was an awful driver, but she took over towards the end of the drive. My parents were tired by that point and got into an argument about her driving. We stopped at a rest stop and my mom got out and sat on the curb refusing to get in the car. Stupid, naive me...I got out and sat with her. Looking back, it didn't even make sense, but I just took her side automatically. It's just what we do. And it's okay that we do it. Parents are usually very forgiving of their kids. And luckily for us, no matter how old we are, we're always the kids. Is it really lying to your mom when you believe what you're saying is true? You were sharing information giving to you by the Drs and medical staff - the experts in that situation. Just b/c they were wrong doesn't make you out to be a liar. I think it was kind and thoughtful to want to comfort your mom. I was also given the impression my mom would be okay. Even after we knew she had a stroke, they were telling us she'd come out of it. Having no way to communicate with her, when she looked me in the eye (one of the rare moments where she truly looked at me and actually saw me) I smiled and motioned with my hand that it would be okay. She started crying. I didn't mean to convey false information, I just didn't know better. I had so much hope for her and didn't want her to lose hope for herself. Even though it ended up not being true, and that it didn't help raise her spirits but instead caused her to cry, having that moment to connect with her one last time still means a lot to me. I think during those last moments, maybe it's good some of it was spent with hope. How would that time have been different if you had known it was the end? Would it have been harder for everyone, your mom included? Maybe that hope let us share one last moment with our moms before everything fell apart.
  7. Missdad, Welcome. I'm very sorry for your loss. Great sadness can override perspective when you have that much love for someone. Loss is tragic at any age, or after any life. We'll never be ready to lose a parent, and despite the circumstances, there will always be tremendous grief when we do. Obviously deep down we know we can't have them forever, but we hope that day will never come. It's a lot to absorb and what follows is a very different life to adjust to. I think it's normal to want to rationalize, b/c acceptance is certainly much, much easier than grieving, but love unavoidably amounts to grief during these times. And I don't need to tell you that grief absolutely sucks. I've noticed that now two days shy of the two month mark of my mom's passing that it isn't hitting me quite as hard. It's still devastating, still far too soon not to be. But that almost torturous shock when you realize, yet again, what happened has eased up a bit. I expect another couple months will be even a little less jarring. I think you'll always bare that wound, but with time it'll soften. The first couple weeks I couldn't do anything but think about my mom. I couldn't even turn on the TV til almost a month had passed. As time passes there will be a number of a little things like that, maybe things too small to really notice. Like, I don't want to water the plants b/c I feel too lost, turned into, okay I'll water the plants but I'm going to think about my mom as I do it, and now I can just get up and water the plants. Very, very small things, but small is still progress. I imagine in time those small things add up. Take it easy and be forgiving of yourself. You're going through a lot right now, and it's no quick or easy process. Everything you're feeling, it's okay to really feel.
  8. @Mamaslittleprincess life won't ever be the same. It won't always be this dark, but a loss like this changes you. It takes a part of you with it, and there will always be that space your mom filled that can now only be filled by memories of her. But as sad as that is, I don't believe it means there will just be this void looming over you forever. You'll always miss her, and there will always be times where it's painful and even feel unbearable, but life will continue to grow in other ways. Six months in is still very deep in the grieving process, but like finding this forum, you'll develop outlets for that grief and, in time, rebuild yourself. I completely agree dads aren't the same. Some people are closer with their dads, but, like you, I was much closer to my mom. I was a pain in the ass at times, and she was too, but we had a bond unlike any other relationship in my life. I'd be just as devastated to lose my dad, but losing my mom also took away my best friend and my confidant. In losing her, I feel much more alone than had it been anyone else. Life may feel like it stops here, and in that one way it does, but in reality it's probably just like a broken segment in my life. We need to take the time to let it mend, and it'll never go back to the way things were, but there will be healing. The whole grieving process is about healing...eventually.
  9. I'm sorry for everything you've gone through. In a way (and maybe this is just my background talking) it sounds like you've taken on many of the responsibilities of a mother, and during a time where you could probably use a bit of a break. There will likely always be triggers for you that bring you back to the loss of your mom. However accepting you are of that loss, it is a sad thing to have happened and it's completely okay to take time for yourself to think about it, or deal with it, or whatever fits for you. In events that significant, it's okay to be selfish. Personally, I don't really consider it selfish, but more of a time for healing. I'm empathetic to a fault and have a tendency to overextend myself for the comfort of others, but at some point something has got to give. Just as you give so much of yourself to others, you need time and care just the same. If only just to have a moment to absorb everything and process where you are now, mentally and emotionally. Taking that time for yourself is really just setting boundaries, b/c we all need self care and personal time. We all grieve differently, and I don't think it's ever as simple or transient as being boxed in to that time period following their passing. It's a long, and to some extent never ending, process which you and your family will all go through.
  10. I'm very sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is emotional, and everything you described rings true to the stages of grief. I know for me, there hasn't been any order to them and it's regularly back and forth, never knowing how the next day, or the next hour will be. I lost my mom 2 months ago on the 9th. During those first few weeks, it helped to share stories about her. With family, or friends as they visited, and even during her funeral. It sounds like a night of talking about your dad with your mom and son has been comforting to you as well. And maybe that will help you in getting through this. It's going to be a roller coaster, and it will be for quite some time, but there are breaks in it. Moments of comfort in remembering them, as well as complete distractions from it. They can help to soften the edges at times you really need them.
  11. ELiz, I look at it like, everyone has their own place in our hearts. Your mom has hers, your daughter another, and so on. Some are closer than others, but it's that part that's affected after a loss while the other parts carry on. The loss of a mother is huge, it's a devastating blow that overwhelms us, but even though we feel it so deeply and so broadly, we can still feel joy for our other loved ones through it. Like you said, a smile from your children snap you out of it. I don't have kids, but there are others in my life who bring me happiness. The young age you lost your grandmother, I'm sure you gave your mom every bit of what your kids give you now - those smiles, those moments of happiness, a reason to get out of bed every day. That innocence may be more than what I was able to give as an adult, since although I likely helped, I was also expected to understand to some degree. Even if you didn't realize it, you were there for her. I just found out that I'm expecting my first visitors since my mom's passing. I don't know how I feel about this. I'm expecting them in just over 2 weeks (and then a week break before receiving my next visitors). I didn't want to tell The Boy he can't have family, and then friends, visit...we live so far from everyone and aren't able to travel much, that I know with my depression he's going stir crazy and I haven't been able to provide much companionship. I never know how I'll feel day to day, what I'll be capable of. I can't even predict what my mood will be an hour from now. A friend told me I can be polite and social w/o having to entertain, but that's not entirely true...they're staying in my house and I'll spend the weekend showing them around the city...but even if I didn't have to entertain, it's still demanding. Part of me really wants to be excited. It would be nice to do something that would make me feel normal. But there's not going to be anything normal about this for a very long time. It also makes me wonder how much people get it that I'll barely be 2 months in by then. If they're already planning visits, and not just them but The Boy as well, then do they think I've had enough time?
  12. I think you put it perfectly in saying it's an ongoing battle in your mind. B/c there is a lot of back and forth, and the emotions can be turbulent and overwhelming. It's perfectly normal to feel relief that their suffering is over. My mom struggled with about a 3 year illness before she passed. She was a petite woman anyway, but she dropped down to 75 lbs and lost so much muscle that she had to learn to walk again. Watching someone you love lose their vitality and quality of life like that is painful, and not something you'd ever want for a parent. But you also expect to have X amount of years left with them and I'm not sure anyone ever really gives up hope, despite the circumstances. I'm 34, so at sort of an in between age - my mom should have lived another 20-30 years, but I wouldn't say I lost her at a "young age". I do think the younger you are, the harder it has to be. There's too much time left w/o them, and with age you tend to grow more accustomed to loss. But I also think at any age nothing will make you feel more like a child than losing a parent. If you have aunts/uncles, or a friend's parents who have gone through this, you may find they can relate more than you may think...if you were interested in talking to someone about it. The anonymity of an online forum like this helps, too. There's no rambling here, only healing. Talk as much as you'd like. There are quite a bit of younger people as well, if you go through the threads. There can be comfort in relating to others, seeing other people your own age, or hearing similarities between losses. It seems to make it feel less surreal.
  13. I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Losing a parent is hard. And no, people who haven't gone through it won't really get it. They mean well and they care about you, but it isn't as helpful as they probably hope it will be. I think they also understand there's nothing they can say or do that will help though. I lost my mom 2 months ago and have ignored most people since. B/c as well meaning as they may be, it's incredibly hard for them not to come off as trite, and all they do is remind me what I've lost and that it isn't getting better. How to cope...I don't think that happens for quite some time. Unfortunately the grieving process for losing someone so close to you, so significant in your life, will take a long time. The best advice I can give is not to fight it. I know it feels like your heart drops to the floor and your entire world shatters every time you remember, but w/o going through that, all those heavy, raw emotions just follow you until you let them out. It's okay to cry, it's okay to really feel it. It's just the love you have for your dad. Something that may help is finding a way to honor him by doing an activity he used to do, or putting together a photo album of him, or a playlist he would have liked. It's still a sad experience, but channeling your grief into something productive for the one you've lost can be therapeutic. It's also okay to find a distraction. TV, or the internet, anything that takes your mind of it for awhile. Grieving is unavoidable, and it is helpful in getting through it, but we all need breaks from it, too.
  14. I'm very sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is difficult, and it's completely understandable that that loss would be compounded by losing your mom at an age when you were too young to really process what had happened. It's natural to feel conflicted after dealing with a long illness. I lost my mom recently after an illness of about 3 years, and although I feel she left far too soon, I still had so much hope left for her, I also know she had suffered a lot. So on the one hand, you've seen their struggle and never wanted that life for them, but on the other hand you didn't want to lose them. It's okay to feel relief that the suffering is over, b/c that's never something you'd want a loved one to go through. Relief for their peace doesn't mean you don't miss them terribly or that it isn't hard on you. It only means you understood what they were going through. That empathy is from a place of love. Everyone grieves differently. As often as you'll hear that, it's entirely true. Your grief for your dad may even be very different from that for your mom. Some people grieve the same no matter who they lost, while others take a different route each time. If you're grieving both at the same time, that may also be different. There's no wrong way to grieve. What you do next only depends on what you feel you need to do, for you. Do you need to talk? This forum or other online forums are available, as well as support groups, or therapy, or friends and family. I've found writing to my mom in a grief journal to be therapeutic. Do you need to honor your dad, or your mom? You can put together pictures, or a playlist, or visit places that had significance to them, or anything you can think of that would be fitting to either of them. Do you just need to cry it out? Then by all means, have a good, hard cry anytime you need to. Take as much time as you need to grieve.
  15. I'm so sorry about your mom. Something like a perforated bowel is so unexpected, and losing your mom is such a difficult thing to go through. There was another post recently, someone had gone through the same thing with her mom, and maybe it would offer you some comfort relating to that in knowing you're not alone. I lost my mom recently under similar circumstances. She had surgery done before a perforation could happen, but her large intestine had died due to infection. She was going into septic shock prior to surgery and it caused her blood pressure to plummet when they performed the procedure, which caused a massive stroke. It's upsetting not being able to have the final conversation with them you wish you could have had. I think that's why I started a grief journal recently, and it is helping to get those words out that I'd like to have said to her. I've seen my mom with sepsis twice now and know how hard it is to see them go through that. You're right to believe your mom could hear you. In my experience, they're still aware even when shock sets in. My mom didn't have the best memory following septic shock, but with sepsis she could hold conversations and be able to tell us she didn't feel right. Mostly they just feel tired, and as shock sets in, that fatigue becomes overwhelming. It sounds like such a cliche, but you can only take it one day at a time. It's normal to feel lost for awhile. Probably a long while. I'm only a few more weeks in than you and feel no different than I did at 3 weeks. But I'm finding my grief journal, this forum, and letting myself grieve to be helpful in getting through all the emotions. It's not easy, but in time it will get better.