The Girl

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About The Girl

  • Rank
    Advanced Member

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  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    US
  • Loss Type
    Loss of mother
  • Angel Date
    2-9-17

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  • First Name
    Jill

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  1. @Luna1 with everyone in your family grieving and everyone processing it in their own way, it's normal for those emotions to ricochet off one another. I think the best defense for that would be to calmly remind each other that you're all experiencing so much and it isn't anyone's fault, you're all just in pain and trying to find your way out. Sometimes we need a little nudge to break out of that shell long enough to see how our pain is being directed at others who are no better off than ourselves. You can let them know you're there for them and to please not take it out on you. I'm dealing with some family drama now and it's causing a tremendous amount of stress. Not due to grieving, not all parties are, but it certainly makes everything worse for those of us who are. @Dgiirl I was recently looking into online therapy. Maybe that would be a good fit for you? If you Google it, the first one that comes up has you fill out a questionnaire so they can match you with the right therapist, but they also let you switch therapists if you're not happy with the one you're matched with. I liked the convenience of doing it from home and forming your own schedule that way. People do act like after a short time frame you should be getting better. Part of me wants to tell them just how horrible a loss like this is, but the other part finds that exhausting. Until they go through it, they just don't know. You're not obligated to smile for anyone. Though I completely understand how much easier it is on yourself to just pretend instead of get into it. I'm having a rough couple days. Family drama. Got a couple of youngsters in the family who preyed on my dad's sympathies under some false pretenses, so my dad is driving down to take care of things. What's stressing me out is the financial risk he could possibly take when they're too oblivious and blindly optimistic to really understand what they're asking. B/c this is the first time their rich daddy isn't bailing them out. I'm just so angry at them and concerned about my dad. I'm happy to see my dad. I haven't seen him since the funeral in Feb. Today it's hitting me that he's finally coming to visit and my mom never will. I've lived here over a year and a half, but my mom had been ill. We thought she'd regain her health and strength and my parents would visit. As I learned my way around the city I would make note of the places I wanted to take them. Places I knew she specifically would have loved. I never got that chance. My mom has never been to my home. And now my dad will be here tomorrow, but w/o her. It makes me even more angry at the people who are calling him down here, b/c I did have plans for his visit. I don't know if he'll make down again this year. I'm still laid up on bed rest b/c my back is taking forever (2 months so far) to heal. I was going to spring for a short helicopter tour and take him on a brewery tour. But I'm stuck at home. Maybe if I wasn't cooped up constantly I could even start to...do I say reintegrate to society? Haha I don't know what else to call it! They just messed up the visit with my dad I had been planning for so long, on top of all the stress they've caused, and this current flood of sadness. It feels like too much at one time.
  2. I understand. When it's happened to you with someone you love that much, the feeling of being at fault is hard to shake. My mom used to tell me to think aboutwhat I would say to someone else. Often our perspective and advice is different when we put ourselves in third person. Sometimes that's easier said than done though. I feel my mom may still be here if I hadn't moved over a year ago. I moved and her health failed. Her health had taken a few hits before I moved, and I always watched out for her. Her death was a fluke. A quick succession of unanticipated accidents. Would it have been avoided if I hadn't moved? Honestly I have no idea. But even knowing that I still feel like I ruined everything, b/c something, anything, would have gone differently over the last year. See what I'm getting at here? Neither of us probably ever had that much control, but we don't interpret it that way. There's too many "but she", "but I", "but this", "and that"... There's no way to really know if anything would have changed. What I can say with certainty is that we don't actually have control over a grown adult. We don't have control over sudden medical issues. But I do understand feeling like you had a bigger role in it.
  3. My sympathies on your loss. It's a lot to take in, a lot to recover from. My opinion is that we heal, but it takes us to a different place in life. Everything that breaks can be mended, but it always leaves a crack. Break a bone, it'll heal, but it will always be more delicate in that spot. Break a vase and piece it back together, but there will be marks. So when we break, when our proverbial heart breaks, there will always be traces of it. When we lose someone we love that much, there's going to be a break and there's going to be a change. Your dad, my mom, imprinted on us throughout their lives, and they imprint on us again in passing, just differently. But we do heal. You will get through this, but there will always be triggers to face and there will always be a tenderness to that old wound. It's hard to get through, but when someone is important enough they're gonna leave a mark. You are NOT a burden. You're a person going through a painful transition. You're entitled to your grief and your thoughts and feelings, you're entitled to expressing them and you're entitled to your recovery, just as much as everyone else is. You do whatever you need to do to get through this. Never forget that it's your journey you have to take. Take care of yourself. And give yourself a break. It certainly isn't an easy journey to make.
  4. My sympathies on your loss. It's hard to watch your parent struggle that long, and then losing them after that, it feels like they were cheated. My perspective, at least. My mom had a long illness as well. It takes a lot out of you going through that for so long. Everything you've described is normal. Some people grieve hard right away while others have delayed grief. Perhaps it's just whenever the shock wears off, whenever it starts feeling a little too real. There are many aspects to grief most everyone shares, but we all process it in our own time. Anger, and irrational anger, is something that hits almost everyone. I've read it's a reaction to going from the more "comfortable" (for lack of a better word) state of denial to the impossibly sad realization that it happened. Family and friends end up in the line of fire, so we have to do our best to remember it's only redirected aggression and not actually them. When the anger finally leaves you, you'll have a change of heart. Isolation is normal too. You just need time to grieve and adapt. It's hard learning to cope with this experience being around others. I've always had a dark and cynical side, but I can say there's many things that now draw little to no emotion or care from me. Losing a parent changes you. Not in a good way, but in a manageable way. I've had two major losses that have changed me. My mom 3 months ago, which time will tell how that molds me, and a loss 7 years ago. In my experience we pretty much fall back into our normal selves, but with a part missing. It's like the happy parts of me were dulled, but not so much that I was unhappy. Know what I mean? Things just feel a little less bright than they once were, but it's not such a significant change that you don't get used to it.
  5. It sounds like you're doing everything right. Everyone handles grief differently, so there's no definite answer for how long he'll need this much space, or what direction he'll go. A loss this big changes you, but I do think most people will recognize who supported them through it and who didn't. It's really a roller coaster for the bereaved. One hour you feel one way, the next something different. It's exhausting and I can't say I've been in my right mind through much of it. But there will come a time when that veil lifts and he's able to feel something that resembles normal. I think offering to walk his dog is an excellent idea. I had friends take my dog out for a playdate with one of their dogs the day after my mom's funeral and it's the best thing anyone could have done. A lot of people say, "if you need anything...", but we're living in a fog. Half the time we don't even know what we want. So articulating a way to help is much better.
  6. Maybe you could hire someone to do them for you and then rewrite them in your own words. Either a student or someone online on elance or something. There's also nothing wrong about asking a favor from someone you don't care for but who is in a position to help. That's just an unfortunate part of life, having to deal directly with people you don't like. Just saying, if the assessments are an obstacle, there's ways to overcome it. Losing someone in the Manchester bombing would be a traumatic loss. Maybe in helping him through his loss you'll be able to process some of your own. I mean, it seems like the words we offer others are kind of a reflection of our own. Sometimes repeating them to others helps them sink in.
  7. @Alley I'm sorry for your loss. It is really hard to go through this. You will find your way, and remember there's always someone out there who can offer you help in one way or another as you need it. Take care of yourself as well. Grieving takes a lot out of you and for everything you're going through, you deserve that kindness to yourself. @EmBee I'm sorry about your dad. You have every right to complain and to feel this great loss you're going through. That's wonderful your dad lived a long and healthy life, but that shouldn't degrade what you're experiencing. Losing a parent is hard and it affects us all no matter how old they were or what life they lived. I've had people tell me my mom was sick for a long time while others tell me she was too young...they may all be right, but it changes nothing no matter which way you cut it. In the full scope of things, you lost someone who was a top priority to you, so it's understandable for everything else to lose meaning. Your job, well yeah that one you'll probably want to hang on to, but you have so much going on, delegate your energy as needed. I almost wore combat boots and a dress to my mom's funeral. No one would have cared. How you're doing will always be more important than what you wear.
  8. I'm very sorry for the loss of your mom. Blood thinners are a tricky thing. They're not perfect, they have serious risks, but they're only given to people who need them. Losing your mom early is tragic and far from anything you'd ever plan on. I lost mine over 3 months ago b/c she had a stroke when her blood pressure dropped dangerously low. It's so unexpected and really is a lot to go through. You're right that nothing is the same as having your mom. Many times it isn't going to feel real. Oftentimes I wake up thinking it has to have been a horrible dream that should be over now. Realizing what's happened is its own terror. But a lot of that will soften with time. You're going to embark a new life that's going to take a lot of adjusting to. With that comes a lot of emotions and questions and confusion. It's hard and I really feel for you having to go through it. I didn't really eat for about two weeks - the week we were told my mom wouldn't survive and the week following her death. It took a few more weeks after that to eat anything healthy or to even care if I was eating at all. The burning you experience in your chest may be stomach acid (i.e heart burn). Stress and anxiety aggravates it, and not eating/not eating well is especially hard on it. A little bread or crackers will calm the burning. (I only mention eating something to fix it so you don't end up with stomach ulcers or an eroded esophagus or duodenum or inflammation of anything. I've had/have all of that and it sucks.) Depression is natural in dealing with grief. There are several ways to express your grief, and finding those venues that work for you will help you through it. Talking helps, but most people come to the same conclusion that they need to talk to someone who can relate. Friends, family, support groups... anyone who has gone through it that you can connect with will help you understand you're not alone (and you absolutely are not alone in this) and can even help you come to terms, medically, with what happened. You can talk to your mom. Just talk. You may feel silly but you may feel better. Tell her everything you've wanted to tell her. I chose to write in a grief journal, so instead of talking out loud, I write to my mom. You may also want to consider doing things to honor your mom... create a playlist for her, or a collage of her photos, or get involved with a charity she was partial to. You know best what would be fitting. It's still very soon, but in time remember to also do things for yourself. Self care is very important. I know right now you probably don't care. After awhile, when you're able to, try to do something you once enjoyed, even if it's just watching TV or scrolling through Instagram or something. You'll have to take time for yourself. Distractions aren't insulting to your mom, they're beneficial to your healing process.
  9. If you seek out a counselor then they're obligated by law not to disclose anything, so as long as you paid per visit and didn't use your mom's insurance then she wouldn't ever have to know. You could say you have to do inventory at work for an hour every week. You could even schedule your sessions so that they fall on work days, giving your mom nothing to suspect. You could also call a crisis line. They're free to call and know what they're doing. What I always told my mom, and how I've always treated any suicidal feelings myself, was that if you just plan on dying anyway, then why not see if something helps. Usually there's options out there that we didn't even know about until we started looking. Has anything changed in the past week for you?
  10. You've gone through a tremendous loss and haven't been able to really process that until the last few years. I'm not a psychiatrist or anything even remotely close, but I'd think having all those emotions that you weren't able to deal with before or even entirely understand come up now would feel about how you're feeling now. It's a lot. And it's an awful lot to absorb suddenly this many years later. But it is something you'll get through. There's nothing impossible about your healing process. It's just going to be an emotional ride. Grief is love, grief is missing someone we love, and with that comes a lot of emotions that have to come out. It feels awful now, but although there's not a quick fix through this, you're still going to come out wiser and stronger and go on to get married and have kids. I know when we feel our absolute worst and are stuck in a deep depression that it feels like nothing will ever get better. But it always does. Can you get an extension on your schoolwork? Whether you can or can't, just do your best. Your life isn't going to be determined by what your grade is this year. There's so many options for education that one year doesn't have to break you. What's more important is how you are doing, and that's what needs the most focus right now.
  11. I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad. It's common for it to hit harder after you get through all the arrangements and everything else that keeps you busy after. Two months is still very early on in the grieving process. I'm at about 3 & 1/2 months now. Some things have gotten easier...I'm better at distracting myself now and I'm less moody towards others. But the shock, the sadness, going between denial and crippling realization, and missing my mom desperately hasn't changed. I've read and listened to so many others experiences and have come to the conclusion that those feelings of deep loss and missing our parents will stay with us forever, but that we'll also adapt to our new lives and eventually even find a reason to smile when remembering them. There will be people in your life who truly care about how you're doing and what you're going through, who will sincerely sympathize with you, but can't at all relate. The normal people with their normal lives who love you dearly - that's how I see them. Your boyfriend, your close friends...they will all be there for you as they know how. And that's okay. I suspect at some point it'll even be nice to be around normal, unbroken people. But it's going to take awhile. I would suggest seeking out that friend or acquaintance, family member no matter how old (this type of loss doesn't lessen with age), or a support group or therapist who CAN relate to you. Everyone you love has something to offer you throughout your grieving process, but no one person can offer everything you need. The best way out of your grief is to go through it. Same goes for your mom. Maybe you can lean on each through this? I'm letting my dad and brothers grieve however they need to. None of them are very open to talking about it, but I try to just be sensitive about that. It will eventually start to get a little easier. If you're able to, do something for yourself. Whatever you used to enjoy, see if it helps take your mind off things for a bit. You will get through this.
  12. Losing a parent brings up a lot of overwhelming emotions that are often confusing and even contradictory. It's normal to feel depressed and empty, like you've lost so much of yourself along with losing your parent. There also tends to be feelings of being alone, b/c many of us don't have a lot of people in our lives who can relate. I can only speak from my own experience here, but I've just wanted to be alone. When I need to talk, I reach out. The depression was especially heavy the first two months. It's like a deep depression intertwined with shock. It can be hard being around people, hard to communicate with those close to you, and hard to know how you feel about anyone who isn't your deceased parent. I've been with my fiance for 10 years. I lost my mom over 3 months ago. He's sympathetic, but can't relate. Earlier on in my loss it was hard being around him at times b/c he lives a normal life I can no longer relate to. At times he's even come across as insensitive. He's never meant to, but it's weird the things we can away from little interactions after our parent has passed. Anything can be a trigger for me and he has no way of knowing what not to say or do to avoid it. At times I felt so angry and alone I thought I might end it. Just not at this time b/c I had enough going on. Those feelings passed after awhile. I guess letting your boyfriend know that although you understand you can't relate but that you care about him and want to be there for him when he's ready may help. He's not going to start dating or move on in any way during this time anyway, so you could let him know he doesn't have to put any thought into where he wants your relationship to go right now anyway. I think for you him reaching out is a good sign. That first week...2nd and 3rd week...is like a blur of depression and emotions. In the long run, processing this level of grief is difficult and possibly never ending. But I'd hate to have to go back to that first month. The grief and depression swallows you whole. Once those feelings soften out a bit then it's nice to see a familiar face who sincerely cares for you.
  13. When someone is a hypochondriac we don't always want to encourage that. It sounds like you responded in a way you knew to be best for your mom. It also sounds like your mom may have been questioning herself as well, by asking you to go with her and by refusing to go to the hospital later. If even she wasn't certain anything was for sure wrong, then how could you? Unfortunately we're often left with these types of regrets that can't be erased. It doesn't mean you made the wrong choices, but that you didn't have enough to go on to change those choices that up until that point made perfect sense. Does that make sense? We do what's best for the situation with what information we have. You had no way of knowing this was any different.
  14. I'm so sorry you lost your dad so unexpectedly. These things don't always come with much warning, and sometimes, like in your situation, they happen when you're feeling hopeful. You mentioned one of the hardest parts for you is knowing he suffered before it happened. If it's any consolation, when BP drops dangerously low, it generally causes the patient to feel much more tired than usual, so they spend much of the time sleeping. My mom's BP was severely low on two different occasions, for her both were caused by septic shock. The first time she was already in the hospital for other health problems, and they rushed her to ICU. I spent 4 or 5 days with her, by her side 12 hours a day and communicating while she was awake, and she didn't remember me being there. The last time there were complications from her BP dropping and she didn't make it, but I was with her much of that time and mostly she slept. I would anxiously research for any information I could find and that was just the norm. I hope it helps you some when I say we don't suffer in our sleep. I'm extremely sorry for what your dad went through but I hope he shared what many others do and was able to sleep peacefully through much of it. Yes, what you're experiencing is normal, but it doesn't make it any easier. It's a lot to digest and come to terms with. Adapting to that new life is hard to swallow, but it comes slowly. Talking helps. Getting it out, giving in to your feelings, and laying it out there so you can understand it.
  15. I'm sorry for your loss. Despite some of the negative experiences you had with your mom, she was a prominent figure in your life. It's perfectly natural to feel hurt when the other parent "moves on" before you're ready for that phase in your life to begin. Everyone grieves differently, and this can cause tension in a family. Although your dad doesn't need your permission to start dating, he does have to honor your wishes about how involved you want to be in that relationship. I understand you would have liked more time to absorb this information before he put himself out there, but it's possible he acted on what he needed at this stage in his grief. I don't know if he told you at the most appropriate time or not. I don't even know if there are rules to that. But by letting you know each time a development happened suggests that he does care about your feelings. Maybe he didn't time it right. These steps are often confusing and we choose the best we can at that time. Maybe he was worried any negative reactions would affect a decision that he needed to make. Or maybe it's just his decision to make and isn't something the kids have a role in. Honestly I don't know. Just throwing possibilities out there. Whatever the real answer is, you have a dad who loves you. Whomever he dates or however soon he does it doesn't actually change who he is as a father. He'll always have more faces to him than just the dad one, and it's important that he understands he has these different lives outside of his kids. I can't tell you how to feel. It's good that you're exploring these feelings. I guess for advice, I'd just suggest to talk to him openly about how it makes you feel and to let him know you need time to warm up to it. No arguing, no anger directed at your dad during these talks, just an opportunity for both of you to express what you're going through. By avoiding him though, it's only going to intensify your feelings and cause more distance. When you're more comfortable with this, maybe try to get to know this woman if it does develop into a lasting relationship. I mean, as of now it could just as easily be a fling. Only time will tell. But usually when we get to know a little about the person we resent we start to soften, b/c they become more of an individual than that *person* we don't like.