Jump to content
Online Grief Support, Help for Coping with Loss | Beyond Indigo Forums
  • Announcements

    • ModKonnie

      Advertisements   09/05/2017

      Hi all,  I'm sure you've noticed some changes in the forums. We've again had to do some updates, so that's why things may look a little different. Nothing major should have changed.  Also, we are going to start adding advertisements sensitive to our community on the boards. This is something we are experimenting with, and we will certainly make sure they are in the best interests of everyone. We want to make sure our forums continue to stay accessible and cost free to all of our members, and this is a way to ensure this.  If you have any questions or comments, please feel free to privately message me or email me at Konnie@beyondindigo.com.  As always, we will be here with you, ModKonnie

Deniselin

Members
  • Content count

    2
  • Joined

  • Last visited

About Deniselin

  • Rank
    Newbie
  1. Thank you Zara. Knowing others are dealing with the same or similar issues is a comfort though I hate the circumstances we share for both our losses. It is so difficult to not confide in others even if you know they would want to help. Thoughts to you on finding a way to work through it all.
  2. Everything about the situation tells me I should be at least somewhat thankful the way things played out. My mom had been out of town and had gotten home late Sunday, earlier than expected. Had she been gone she never would have forgiven herself and I wouldn't have known anything was wrong until morning, far too late. Dad had seen my brother who lives hours away Sunday morning. Saturday he took his grandkids out on a boat ride. And I live at home (I'm 35) so I was there to be the person to do CPR (I previously had been trained) rather than Mom. Here is the hard part. And trying not to be too graphic to expose anyone to that. I can see, hear, smell, and taste every moment of the 15 minutes I did CPR while waiting for first responders. I have dreams/nightmares about that night. Dad feel to the floor face first and unconscious so he broke his nose. It was a mess. And by the end of it I was shaking and sick and practically hyperventilating from the effort of it. Still to this day my shoulders ache at times and remind me of it. At the hospital I was in the bathroom scrubbing my hands clean when they came to tell us he could not be revived. Somehow I knew it, but it didn't stop me from immediately feeling like I failed him. Logically I know I did what I could. I was there also my mom didn't have to do it alone. And I did enough that he was pronounced at the hospital and not the bathroom floor. But 4 months later I still can't shake it. And I can't or maybe won't talk to those close to me about it because I won't add to their grief. Mom was there but she was in and out searching for the ambulance. My sister showed up but it was after EMS. Unfortunately I was the only one to truly experience the full trauma of all of it and I can't get past it. Not to discount my family's experience as it was a tragedy for us all, I just don't want them to know just how bad it was for me. I'm toying with the idea of counseling so I can share all of the details without fear of causing another person additional pain or grief. Just admitting this has helped me, but it is such a strange place to be in.
×