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About Silky

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    Loss of my 16 year old son
  • Angel Date
    28 January 2017


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  1. Loss of an Adult Child

    Mermaid tears , I'm sorry I didn't mean to offend or attack you at all. I just wrote down what I think about the drug industry. I know you meant no harm. .
  2. Loss of an Adult Child

    It makes me so angry, when I see or read things on Facebook or other media like the one Mermaid tears posted here. I deleted my FB account 3 month ago. This drug business is getting so bad everywhere , in Germany too. I see all the pain drugs cost to all them people taking drugs or never had anything to do with drugs , is so sad. I never thought my son's death had to do with drugs. He just was thirsty , being at a birthday party , had a sip of .....what he thought was just lemonade.....,unknown there was methadone in it . two more kids drunk from it, they spit it out, cause it tasted so nasty, but my son swallowed it already. They didn't know what they drunk, so later they went to sleep and my son never walk up after that. If one of them boys wouldn't have told us that the one boys mother is a drug addict, getting of the drugs with methadone , we never would known. We went to the police and they did an autopsy and they found methadone in his blood. After 3 month , the police investigation still going on , because they didn't found the bottle with the methadone in it. That woman had to much time , while everything happend to get rit of that bottle. So the police has just the boys story........I didn't even know before what methadone was , that it was a drug or what one use it for. Now I know a lot about drugs. One get involved in it , even one has nothing to do with it....you know what I'm saying ! This drug business got out of hand a long time ago, the government should spend a lot of money in police, drug prevention ect., what they sure don't do here in Germany.
  3. Loss of an Adult Child

    On the weekend we did a walking through the woods, what is called a mourning-walk. It's about mourning for your loved one and realizing that there is still a life one lives. Everyone in the group lost somebody , we went through the woods for 2 1/2 hours, sometimes we stopped and the ranger (he organized that walk ) said something about life and death or he wrote a poem......and he talked about the forest, like how a tree dies and showed us how many trees growing on strange places .........there were minutes we were silent with tears in our eyes and minutes we talked about life and even smiled or had a laugh . It felt good to walk through the woods, had some thoughts, laughs, tears and people who felt the same as I. I also been going to see a professional therapist. Is he helping ? I don't know really, but I sure talk a lot when I'm there. I even went under people a bit, but it still feels strange and there always them days when I 'm falling in that deep whole again of course. Miss my son so much. Even he always try to make so cool, he had a very good heart and always tried to make everybody smile and be happy. He also was always smiling. I know he's here, telling me he's o.k. peace and hugs to everybody here
  4. Loss of an Adult Child

    Been in the house science 3 days, in my pajama's, not getting dressed......just watched TV and did little things. Didn't feel like seeing anybody. Quiet around the house, guess all the neighbor's went to their families . Had bad days, miss Steven so much. Eastern is now another holiday to think about the faith thing for me. I even hate myself for feeling sorry for myself. Is this all life gone be , little ups and bad downs.....Waiting everyday to here from the police, when the investigation is done. Starting to make me nervous. What if there is not going to be a court hearing ? I'm going to go to the cemetery today . I'm so sorry for all the pain and sadness and grieve on this forum. I know you're sad, so I won't tell you to have a good day. Instead, I advise you to simply have a day. Stay alive, feed yourself well, wear comfortable clothes, and don't give up on yourself just yet. It'll get better. Until then, have a day.
  5. Loss of an Adult Child

    Jesse David's & Taylor's Mom that quote is just beautiful. We'll stay in my head all day today. Happy Birthday Erica. Them birthdays must be really hard, don't even wane think about I Ericasmom. My dad's birthday was yesterday. He's died 2 years ago. I went to his grave and ask him to take care of Steven.......it was vey hard. My daughter went with me and after we went for a long walk and talked about everything. When I came home I was worn out. Day by day. Wishing you all well
  6. Loss of an Adult Child

    Thank you everybody, good to now I'm not alone. The book the Shack, I wrote many years ago and the one recommended it to me was the pastors helper, who also leaded the group for the communion my son was in. That's strange. And last year for no reason I gave that book to my daughter to read, because I thought it was a good book.....and now right after my son died , there's a movie about that book. If I believe, I say that's a sign , but I'm not. What a coincidence !!!! My son suppose to be in Berlin with his school class this week. They planed for this school trip for a while and his teacher said that Steven put a lot of effort in it. I know he was looking forward to this trip, he kept telling me what all he would do there. Two nights ago I walk up at 12 am and had all kind of thoughts about that trip in my head. I got up , went to his room and couldn't stop crying . I kept telling him that he suppose to be in Berlin with his school class having a good time. Little things, big things, everything hurts so much. I told my husband yesterday that I'm so angry at everybody and everything for no reason. I always been a compassionate human being, but now not anymore at all. Can't believe how this changed me and my feelings about a lot of things. Erica's mom , I like the way you think about believe........my big question is : Is Steven in a good place, maybe better place now ? I really hope all of our children are.
  7. Loss of an Adult Child

    My daughter keeps saying all this happened for a reason. I don't know , I try to believe that and keep telling myself it happened for a reason, but just to believe in something right now. I'm raised catholic, but after this horrible nightmare 2 month ago I don't believe anymore. In faced this week I'll get out of the catholic church. Would have done that already if it wouldn't be so hard to get out of the house........I got to go to the office here with my passport , so they can take me out of the system . Sometimes questions like is there a god.....come to my mind, but before I can really think about that the next questions are but why did he let that happen .......come up and that's when I start feeling exhausted even more and make myself stop thinking about that. My head is so full with thoughts about my son Steven missing him and all, I think there's no room for anything else in my head, except how to get through day by day. Right now it doesn't matter to me if there is a god or not or whatever it is, it doesn't change anything.
  8. Loss of an Adult Child

    Devianz My husband and I are very different in dealing with grief too. I understand what you saying, my husband needs people around him, he don't care going somewhere and starts crying or telling strangers that our son passed and so on.......Most people don't know what to say and are unconfutable, but he don't care. I just keep walking away when he does that. I don't want people around at all, I don't even go anywhere anymore if I don't have to. Yes everybody is dealing differently with grief. When horrible nightmare happened my sister, nice, husband and our daughter where here a lot. What was ok , they all family, but now hardly somebody comes by. I understand, there life goes on and our life stopped. Well except my daughter and her boyfriend, they come over 2-3 times a week. My husband went back to work after a month stayng home, his colleges are very helpful, he can talk to them ..........I still at home trying to get by day by day and most of time I don't want to see nobody, except my husband and daughter. Sometimes I go take a walk in the woods, but its always hard to come home.
  9. Loss of an Adult Child

    Yesterday I went to my dentist office, I had to get a filling. It's 30 min. away driving where I live .Since I don't drive or go anywhere anymore, almost 8 weeks now, since that nightmare happened, I was nervous going by myself. So my daughter came with me, what I really liked. After the visit at the dentist, we went to get some groceries at the store next to the dentist office. You know, I still don't go to town or in any store where I live. My daughter mostly talks a lot what is good, so she kept my mind of things . On the way back it felt nice, to have a couple of hours, where my mind wasn't stock on one horrible place and I could breath a little. When we came in the village where I live, it hit me again right away. My throat closed up, my brain reloaded the pain, anger, sadness,........in a second. I trooped my daughter off ( she lives with her boyfriend ) , went home and couldn't even make it in the house, when I was sitting in the car in the garage, having a crying fit......don't now how long I was sitting there. It felt like that terrible day, when my son died, just happed. After I went inside the house, I was done with the whole world again. I went on the couch watched TV till my husband came home hours later. And yes like you said TearsInHeaven.....grief takes everything out of you....... In situations like that, my loving son would have put his arms around me and tell me : " everything gone be ok , mom ", like he did so many times...........but his not here anymore. I like to believe he does it from wherever he is now. Miss him so much, he was my sunshine everyday. I'm so, so ......sorry for everybody on this forum , so sorry we all have to be here.
  10. Loss of an Adult Child

    Struggling day by day for 7 weeks now.....couldn't really write anything in here, most of time I'm too excausted, but keep reading in here almost everyday. I still think there is no life for me anymore, on some days the hard crying stopped, but still don't feel any better. Yesterday as my mom's 80 th birthday, she has Demenz ,so some things she keeps forgetting.....My sister picked my mom up yesterday, she made a cake, had coffee, my nice, her husband and their 2 kids went there. Also my daughter, her boyfriend and my husband went there to see her. I couldn't go, it's too hard for me to see them going on with life and can't handle my mom asking me if she went to the funeral or who died and so on....At home I kept thinking about that Steven (my son who died) would have loved to go there. He loved it , when the whole family was together. And he always played my mom, till we all were laughing and hugged her and kissed her. So he was supposed to be there. On this page there is a lot of anger written down and I can so relate to that . I keep thinking killing this woman , who had the methadone out in a juice bottle so everybody can get it , with all them teenager there. I'm so mad at so many people right now, even I never was a angry or violent person. Not at all. Wish the police be done with there investigation, but I guess it still takes some time. This gone be a long year.
  11. Loss of an Adult Child

    Hi everybody, this weekend was terrible, cried all day, just being in such pain and feeling so lonely. I wanted to be dead. Is that normal ? I don't know how to get on like that. Feels like getting worse. Maybe someone can write me some helping words.
  12. Loss of an Adult Child

    Hallo everyone, since the death of my 16 yrs. old son in January, I feel just pain , sadness, numb, paralyzed, nothing matters anymore. I know how you felt Tommy's mum. If I drapp dead now I wouldn't mind. Too much thinking, crying , what if's......I'm too just so tired and exhausted. Good I found this forum side and know there're people know how I feel.
  13. loss of my 16 years old son

    Devianz and Tommy's mom thank you so much for your caring words. I read your story's and some others, I didn't know how much pain is out there. I'm so sorry for your unspeakable loss. One always things it just happen to others..........I feel the pain and the compassion in your words you wrote me and it kept me going through the day yesterday. I have close family I talk to, but they don't know how I feel inside, this big whole inside me. My husband startet to go to work again this week, so most of the time I'm home alone. I can't go to the store and get grocery's or go anywhere , where people are I know. So I stay home, where I want be anyway. In the mornings it's the worst, when I get up, this sadness is unbearable. Sometimes, like now, I can't find no more words to say/write anything, I feel so empty, helpless, paralyzed .....I could die right now. I miss him so much.
  14. The last 3 weeks are the worst in my whole life. 3 weeks ago my son Steven, 16 years old, went to a birthday party. He stayed over night there. The next day he was dead. He drunk out of a bottle, he thought was juice in it, but there was a mixer of methadone in the bottle. Than he went to sleep, later vomit in he's sleep and died on that, cause he didn't wake up. A drug addict women, who lives in a apartment in that house where the b-party was had methadone to get off the drugs. She suppose to keep it looked up.......nobody knows how the bottle got there , it's still under investigation. The lab results from the autopsy of my son proved that he had methadone in his blood, just a little, but it's so poison that it was enough..... I don't know how to go on with life, I lost my faith, I'm so lost. I'm german and my husband of 26 years is American. He served 20 years in the U.S. Army, then got out as a veteran. We decided to stay in a small town in Germany, so my son can finish his school and it supposed to be safe here. I keep asking Why ????? but I know there will be no answer.