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About Solomon'sGirl

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    Advanced Member

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  • Angel Date
    January 19, 2017

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  1. Thank y'all for your responses. It's comforting to know that you get what I'm saying and feeling. Everyone here are the ones that truly understand how I'm feeling at any moment. My sadness for what I've lost can be overwhelming, however knowing that you all feel the same loss brings me some peace. My heart still hurts, yet my mind calms when I'm reminded that I'm not alone. I try so hard to understand death. I replay some of the last moments with him and just can't understand how someone so connected to me is now gone. I've been replaying those times and then picturing him lying there at the funeral home as if I'm trying to connect the dots. It sounds horrible. My mind is just trying so hard to understand in hopes that I won't hurt so badly anymore. I've accepted every other death I've ever known, but this with him has been incredibly difficult. He was such a huge part of my life, my other half. I guess that's what makes it so hard to grasp. How can a part of me be gone like that? Doesn't seem possible since I'm still here...
  2. I was offered a job at the same school Thad worked at, 2 weeks after he passed. We always talked about both being teachers one day and working together. Everything we wanted to do is starting to happen. Only one thing is missing. I do feel that he's looking out for me. Several things have made me feel that way
  3. Bobbers, I understand what you mean about cremation. I had a hard time with it even though we discussed it and it was something we both wanted. Thinking about the process was something I tried with all my might to avoid. But there was something calming about knowing it was what he wanted. Seeing that through. Also, there was something peaceful about getting his ashes and bringing him back home. I broke down in the car before getting them and again in the car before heading back home. I, too, kept wanting to believe he'd come back. I actually still think about it. Lately, my thoughts are why does time only go forward? Why can't it go both ways? It's not fair. I feel like after several years of a horrible marriage, divorce, and custody battle that my life was actually starting to become what I wanted it to be and with someone I really loved. To have him gone makes me think about all the other things and wonder why is all of this happening? What have I done? Am I cursed and did I cause him to lose his life just by being associated with me? Some days this is how my mind works. Other days I find some peace and just wish he was here. I think it's all a part of grief. So many emotions and uncertainties.
  4. Yes, I don't want to be teased.
  5. I looked up the definition to "spouse" and it says: A spouse is a life partner in a holy matrimony, marriage, civil union, domestic partnership or common-law marriage. The term is gender neutral, whereas a male spouse is a husband and a female spouse is a wife. Although a spouse is a form of significant other, the latter term also includes non-marital partners who play a social role similar to that of a spouse, but do not have rights and duties reserved by law to a spouse. I find myself really frustrated that we didn't get married. He was frustrated about it. I was at times, but we stayed so busy and saw ourselves as married that it just got pushed to the back burner. We'd forget that we weren't. Losing him in this way feels almost like he wasn't mine. But that feeling is only in certain situations or around certain people. It really doesn't matter. I'm just clinging to us still and wanting to be with him somehow. So I've changed Loss Type to Spouse because Wikipedia's definition makes me feel better. So I'm just going with it.
  6. I like that quote, KayC. I used to google and read books about the afterlife, reincarnation, mediums, etc. I was incredibly curious about it all and wanted so desperately to remain connected to him. I've struggled with being in a different state than him I guess you could say, human/spirit form. I haven't read or looked anything up in probably 3 weeks. I still find myself acting as if he's gone temporarily, pretending everything is fine because the hurt is so overwhelming. It's still so unreal to me. When I allow myself to think about him being gone, I'm just in disbelief that it's even possible. I want to see him or hear him. I want an unmistakably clear sign. I took my daughter to a birthday party at Chuck E Cheese Saturday. The number we got for our order was his birth year. Of course I thought of him. I wanted it to be a sign from him. I just don't know. He used to tell me not to question things so much. That's what I hear when I start to doubt that he's around.
  7. I do the same. I've wondered if people think I'm crazy, too. If they do, they don't tell me.
  8. I wish that, too. I wish he could somehow tell me now.
  9. This is how I feel. This is why somedays I'm okay. I get upset that he's not here in the same way, but I always have a sense of him being with me.
  10. I lost mine the same way. It was instant, too. We weren't married yet, but we lived as if we were. All of our friends and colleagues saw us that way. He was and still is a huge part of my life. Yesterday was two months. It doesn't exactly get easier, I've just learned how to manage my grieving so that I can get things done. I don't know if how I'm handling it is healthy though. I hope I don't sound cold. Some days I'm just annoyed, frustrated easily. I think today is one of those days. I hate that this is life now. I spent the first week or so in shock. I could tell people what happened as if I was telling some crazy story. I separated myself from it all. I still do it to a point. Otherwise, I fall apart. Grieving is different for everyone. I seem to go through every emotion most days. Sometimes I'm sad and cry most of the day, usually on a weekend when my daughter is with my mother. That's when I tend to fall apart. But some days I laugh and have a good day overall. I still miss him terribly and want to wish time away or to reverse, but I'll have a somewhat normal day. My words feel short and emotionless today. I'm sorry for that. I'm here for you. We're all here for you. Post as often as you want or need. This forum has gotten me through my toughest days. By the way, you have a beautiful family.
  11. I had a certain someone question my ability to care for my daughter after my fiancé's passing. I was distraught and could barely function for a good week+ after the accident. I had family and friends stay with me the first week and help care for everything. I was also told that I'd have to let our home go. Thankfully, I don't. We were both on the title so the home goes to me. You go through shock and the furthest thing from my mind after the accident was how am I going to make it financially without him. All I could think of was him- why is he gone, how can he be gone? I just wanted him back. Still do. I still have moments where I zone out. I don't realize how much time has passed because I'm thinking about him. It's not like it happens during potentially dangerous situations like driving. It'll be when my daughter is asleep or watching tv, or I'm at work. Most people are just worried about me. They don't mean to judge. But there's always someone who oversteps. It's upsetting. I lost my other half and people were trying to take our home, question me about my ability to care for my daughter, too? It was too much. Thankfully I have a friend who looks out for me. Fiances brother does, too. He's the one taking care of everything and I go through him with any questions or concerns. But it was scary and still is at times. I hope there's someone you can trust to help you through each step. If not there in person, then maybe someone here knows what to do. We're all in this together
  12. I'm not spooked by this. I believe they can see us, feel us, all that. It might sound weird to say this, but it would be nice in a way to know that they do miss us. Maybe they are a bit frustrated that we can't communicate easily. However, I believe that time on the other side isn't like time here. That they're at peace with how things are because they aren't exactly waiting like we are. They're much more aware and knowledgable than we are, so they aren't hurting like we are.
  13. I keep thinking "How can he not be here?" It's so difficult to grasp. He's supposed to be here with me. There's so much left here that he was going to do, that we were going to do. He was just here and everything was fine. Nothing life threatening going on. He even told me in a text the night of the accident that he wished he wasn't going to this meeting. I want to go back and tell him to turn around and come home. Today has been a rough day.
  14. Last night I went to a baseball game. He was supposed to be one of the coaches this season. I saw lots of people we knew, had a good time. The only way I'm able to have a good time is to pretend I guess that he's just busy coaching or something. He was always so busy doing stuff. But I do the same "if I don't think about it, then it isn't real" thing. Others will come up to me and talk about him. They even get teary-eyed. I just smile and talk about him as if he's here, just busy. I know he's not. Even typing that right now is kinda hard for me to do because I'm wanting to believe he's just busy. I think maybe I'm in denial by choice now. I'm not sure. It's a battle. Today has been a cry day, heavy heart day, staring at his picture and wondering how he could be gone. I feel this way. I want to do things to our house that we were going to do together. I have this strong desire to do everything we were going to do.. go to certain places, get a jeep, etc. It's a drive in me to complete our story. Sometimes I think I'm wanting to do it because then he'll be back when it's all done. Sometimes I want to do it because we were supposed to, and I'm mad at "it's a part of life" for stopping us. I'm going through all the emotions today. I don't even know if I could do these things. At Target a few weeks ago, I saw a table and chairs that could go out on our deck. They were nice and on sale. I told my mom I was going to get them. Then I instantly started to cry and said no. I couldn't do it because they weren't here when he was, and I don't want anything to change.
  15. I do the same thing. I've started saying I'm good when it's a quick passing. But if someone is staying around for a minute to talk, I answer honestly. It feels weird to say I'm good. Every time I do it, I think in my head about him and that I just lied to someone. This is exactly how I feel. Exactly. I feel like I'm waiting.. I don't know what for. Him? I guess I am. But I also know he's not coming back. So then I think maybe I'm waiting for my turn to go? I don't know. It's a fog. I've wondered this so many times. I've found myself getting annoyed that life just seems to go on. Like doesn't the world know that something major has just happened?