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About Devianz

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    Subject in Flux

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  • Location
    Midwest US
  • Loss Type
    Loss of my Son Nathan
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  1. Mika, I am so sorry for your loss. Last July my 20 year old son was murdered in cold blood, just three weeks before his 21st birthday. My son Nathan would have given anyone anything, including the shirt off his back if he thought you needed it more than he did. He was an older brother too, and my youngest son is 16 now and misses his brother every day. We struggle with coping, and watch as our friends drift away from us because they cannot understand the pain. It's so much. Some days it's so much that it feels like the house just isn't big enough to hold the sorrow inside anymore. I don't think it will ever stop hurting. I am so sorry we are going through this, and it's so much harder when it gets drawn out by trials because of a violent death. There is no reasoning for it to have happened, there is no true justice, there is only pain and no answers. My heart goes out to you in your time of great sadness. We still have the trial to go through, and we have hearings along the way where I have to sit and look at the man who murdered my son in cold blood and I want to scream. I want to stand up and scream at him. I want to stand up and scream at his mother for raising such a monster. Screaming is a natural reaction to rage... and we have a reason to rage. I will not stop screaming until I feel like someone is listening, and maybe not even then. *hugs*
  2. Lesley, I think we're all a work in progress. Maybe your love of music will come back to you in time, maybe it won't. Who's to say anymore in our worlds that have been forever changed. There is a restaurant we used to go to that Nathan just adored and we loved it too. It was our special occasion place to eat, and we have gone back twice now and the food tastes just horrible. They haven't changed chefs or the menu, I just think the memories we made there are so much more special than the food ever was or maybe we just can't enjoy it without Nathan there to share it with. Who's to say how our minds cope with loss? Each one of us is different, each situation unique. There are still songs I can't listen to, but there are a lot of songs and music that I really get lost in. Last week it was Allen Toussaint, Miles Davis and John Coltrane in my playlist. This week it's Assemblage 23 and VNV Nation... there is a huge chasm between the genres for sure. There is a song by Assemblage23 that has resonated with me this week and the some of the lyrics are;
  3. What a beautiful gift on Erica's birthday. Happy Birthday to Erica and I am so glad to hear that you don't have to take the medication anymore. Those kinds of medication can make you so run down and it will be nice for you to get some of those chemicals out of your body. What wonderful news, Dee. BrokenHeartedMom, I am so sorry for your loss, I am glad you spoke up and shared with us and I am so sorry for your loss. I also lost my son just a few months before yours and it's been a living hell for me. Moving on is something you will never do in the sense that others want you to, but you can start to slowly build yourself into something new, but different. This is our burden, the parents of children who died. You expect to have your child around you your whole life, and suddenly something rips through those future hopes and dreams like a category 5 tornado and leaves a gaping path of destruction and loss where it goes. These are the toughest days, where we try to put our house back in order. We try to find all the bits and pieces of the hope that once was and bring it all back together as memories. It's photo albums and journal pages, but don't let anyone tell you how long it should take you to rebuild your new home. There are no insurance adjusters to come an assess damage and make payments to ease your suffering. We have to put it all back together and sometimes that can even take decades. And that's okay. There isn't a magic window of time that you should be looking through. Give yourself time, do it at your pace, one day at a time, one hour at a time, but be sure to take rests and take care of yourself. Let people help you where they can, but don't let them dictate how you should heal or set a timeline for you. There is no normal. There is no "right amount of time". Just know that many of us are in towns just like yours, examining our homes that we destroyed and we are slowly building them back at our own pace. Sometimes people have extra materials here that we can share with one another. Sometimes we have to borrow tools from each other. Sometimes we just want to sit on what's left of the front porch and share together about our circumstances. We all live in this town, it's our town. It's a town we live in and we grew up there and have family and friends there. It's a tough journey and a lot of tough work, but our children would want a roof over our heads and a table to share dinners upon. There is a great book I got after my son was murdered called "I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye" by Brook Noel and Pamela Blair PhD. It's about dealing with sudden loss, and is one of the best of the books I either received or purchased myself after my son passed.
  4. I am having a really shaky day today, and I have had to go in to work for a meeting which always sets me off kilter. Routines are comfortable for me right now, and I get really out of sorts when my routines are wrong. I have a lump in my throat and my heart is beating really heavy right now. Meeting is in 20 minutes and it can't be over soon enough so that I can go back home where it is comfortable to cry if I need to.
  5. and christophers mom

    It will always be with you Mary, and for me... I know that this is the most difficult thing I have ever had to go through in my life and it feels like my whole life is Swiss cheese, with holes all over the places where my son used to be. Sometimes the holes are really big, so big that all I can hear are my own cries echoing back at me and that is a very lonely and debilitating space. Sometimes I get lost in that space and find it hard to function for days. It's very difficult and painful and can feel like there is no way out. I am sorry that we are having to go through this, and a lot of the time it feels like there is no way out, and that it is a maze of painful holes with no center and no escape. It certainly helps for me to write down how I am feeling on good days and bad days. In my journal, I write in green ink on the good days (to symbolize growth and freshness) and purple ink on the bad days (to symbolize pain and sorrow) in my pages so that when I am having bad days I can write down how I am feeling but find green entries to help lift my spirits and find positive messages. The hope for me is that some day I will have more green messages than purple ones, though I know that the purple entries will always exist. Hang in there Mary, I know it's really difficult and that we don't want to be in the position we are in. There is no explanation for why this has happen to our children or to us, but know that you are not alone. Sometimes it's important to reach out to others, even if it's through a knitting circle, a clay class, a reading group... something even unrelated so that you aren't sitting at home by yourself. Your boys wouldn't want you to spend the rest of your life in pain and lonliness, just think of all the times they did things just to make you smile. Putting my arms around you today Mary.
  6. I am so sorry for your loss, Tina. What a beautiful girl and a beautiful smile. The waiting is the hardest part, it's almost suffocating and everything doesn't seem real. My 20 year old son Nathan was murdered a little over 8 months ago and it still doesn't seem real some days. I understand what you are going through and it's like everything is trapped in amber while you wait to know something. I am so sorry you have to go through this, and as a mother who's been through something very similar, I know that it can be so hard. No one wants to be in that position, but many of us have been and my heart reaches out to you. Most of the people post in the thread > Loss of an Adult Child < at the top of the forum and it seems to be the busiest forum for responses. There are too many of us with similar experiences there, but we can share what we've been through in hopes that it makes it easier for each of us to bear. Again, I am so sorry for what you are going through. It's the toughest thing I've ever been through in my life. I'm sending you all my positive thoughts. ~Margo
  7. Dianne, Thank you for making me feel less alone. Some days the sorrow is just so big it's unexplainable to people. It's simply too large to fathom. For me it's been 8 months and I still weep sometimes. And lose threads of sanity. And would rather be alone. Dee, For me, work was just kind of a delay of the pain. I had to go back pretty quick but at least they started to allow me to stay at home and work from there. I think I was making others really nervous and it was best for everyone (and my focus and productivity) that I stayed at home and worked from here. Clay... clay is my resting place. It's the place I go to when I really want to feel and express myself. My work these last 8 months is like nothing I've ever done previously, and I feel like I am pouring myself into it. It feels really good to be up to my elbows in mud. I did pick up a shirt while I was at the conference that said, "Mud-slinging Pyromaniac" and it made me smile.
  8. I feel the same Silky, I just want to take walks and be by myself and not have to share and open up to everyone. We all process differently I think and I know it's important to not discourage my husband from talking to others about the pain he's feeling just as he knows it's important not to drag me out of the house if I am not feeling up to being around others. I find walking by myself to be so comforting, alone in nature with my thoughts and often I take a small notepad and write what I am feeling. I am also finding great comfort in creating art, especially ceramics as the clay molds to whatever I want it to be and if I don't like the result, I can just mush it down and do it over again. Dee, I've been getting help myself, but only alone. He doesn't want to go get help, as he thinks he can process it on his own. I also tried Grief Share but it's very faith based, specifically Christian and I am not a theist myself so I found it hard to listen to others who have that comfort. I've thought so much about faith in the last few months and you don't know how badly I just want to believe if it could just take a little of the pain away, but I just don't have it in myself to believe in a God or gods. I believe in the beauty of the world, and the beauty we can find in each other. I believe in the spiritual connection between people and what that power can do, one way or another. I try to see the good in people and only effect people in a positive way but that has sure been tested this year. Some days I feel locked in a catacomb surrounded by ugliness and decay. It makes it very difficult to function on those days and I feel trapped. I envy those who have found faith and are able to lift their burdens a bit. Wish I could.
  9. Silky, The times you spend with your other children are precious, but I also find that they are hard as well. I mourn for myself, but also mourn for the relationship that the siblings wont get to have. I try to really enjoy myself, and often make a good show of it for their sake and cry later when I am alone. For me, both of my boys were twins separated by a few years in looks so it makes it especially hard because I see so many things about my youngest that is a mirror of his older brother. I see his smile on my younger child's face. Sometimes it makes it very hard. Gretchen, Your art is beautiful. I find great healing in art myself, and I love your collages. I also have been having arguments with my husband. About little things, for me it's that I don't care very much about where dinner comes from, or what we are watching on TV, or what are plans are. I just don't care about small stuff anymore. I feel like I wasted so much time on little things and I just want to be near someone. Some times I just want to sit close by and not say anything. It's hard for him because he's so outgoing and engaging and I am feeling a bit disengaged. He sweats me over the little things, wanting me to have opinions and input and I really just wanna say idgaf and just continue to be. We hurt each others feelings unintentionally too with the ways we cope with the passing of our son. He wants to hang out with more people and I don't want to be around anyone really. Makes for some raw arguments and it can be difficult. My husband and I are thinking about seeing a counselor together. It might help us.
  10. Back from my conference, and bit off way more than I could chew. I was NOT ready to be around all those people. It was a blessing that I was staying with my sister, or I would have lost my mind. I did forget to take my anti-anxiety medication one day and that was a horrible day. I felt like I was losing all the threads of sanity I had left and went into full on panic mode. So exhausting and debilitating. Heart beating a million miles a minute, shaking like a leaf, unable to catch my breath. I'm glad to be home now, the flights were pretty bad too... Wendy, I have a memorial tattoo as well. It brings me great comfort to look down and see it looking back at me. It says, "But only for you it will be as if all the stars are laughing" and it is from the book 'The Little Prince' by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry And it's from the part where the pilot in the desert has to say goodbye to the little prince; My Nathaniel as a child had beautiful blond hair, blue eyes and was always laughing. I used to call him My Little Prince, and we read the story together. He considered me his rose, and here he is on my arm... always watering the rose and laughing.
  11. Laurie, Thanks so much for your words. I am so sorry for your loss, and I really appreciate you telling me Jesse's story. For us, it's almost been 8 months so we are still in the pre-trial paper chase. It's always discovery hearings, and the defense stalling and dragging their feet. I was told to expect between 2-3 years before it is all settled in our case. ... So yeah... those shoes are the worst pair I've ever put on. And so many miles to go before I sleep...
  12. I am doing my best, and if I can help anyone else going through the same type of thing then I am going to try. There is so much inhumanity in losing an adult child. So much to go through and process. So much that doesn't make sense to us. The best we can do is restore some humanity to each other. To reach out in understanding, sympathy and kindness so that others know that they do not have to suffer alone. That we, even through electronic forums, have walked and are still walking the same paths that they are traveling down and understand on many levels the maelstrom of emotions and thoughts that crash through our hearts while we try to process what has happened to us and to our children. For me, I feel like someone had torn large swaths of pages out of a really lovely book. The story gets altered in the margins by the killers filthy hands and it's like he's written himself into our story uninvited and unwanted. It's so infuriating, but to throw the book away now is to lose the memories of our beautiful boy. The one with the blue eyes, nimble hands and beautiful voice. So I just keep trying to wash away the words written by the murderer with kindness to others and with the energy of my rage. All I can tell you is to do your best to stay strong. There will be moments, hours, even days that break you but you have to at least try to be strong. To carry your child's storybook with you so you can share his story as a cautious tale to others. As a way to reach out to others who may be carrying a book that is mostly the same. That is how we can continue to share the best part of our children forward. To give them the future that was taken from them. To let their spirit continue to move through other people and give them the light that our beautiful sons and daughters once carried within themselves.
  13. Silky, Anger and rage are feelings I get quite frequently, alongside the sadness. For me too, no one has been punished for causing the death of my son yet and it angers me so much I am nearly blind with rage at times. I just want someone to do something about the fact that my beloved son wasn't there on my birthday, did not get to spend Christmas with us... doesn't get to text and call when he just needs to talk. Some days I just want to scream. Some days I want to do much much worse... But I try to be patient, and I find that the tears of rage burn hot trails down my cheeks that would melt steel. It's so frustrating waiting, and feeling hopeless that anyone will pay for what they have done. The court dates are the worst days for me. I have to sit there trying not to stare at the murderer who took my son from me, while he lies and his mother gets to reach over the bench and comfort him. While they lie. While they try to pass blame. Sometimes I tremble with anger and I'm so exhausted that night that the next day I don't leave my bedroom. Everyone talks about the sadness, and the sorrow is soul crushing. But when your child, the one you pour all of your heart and soul into guiding and lifting up, is taken by someone elses hand... rage is the feeling I sympathize with the most. That's the feeling I get most often and the one that is the most tiring to hide. It's okay to feel that way, it's totally justified and understandable. I am sorry that we have to go through it and I wish that I could tell you that the anger subsides... I'm not there yet. I might not be until the trial is over, and maybe not even then. Maybe not ever. *hugs*
  14. That's how I feel too, Dianne. It's just one thing after another some days. Other days I feel like it's been awhile since I had too much on my plate. I'm like you, I work from home most of the time. I try to go in to work one day a week at least but most weeks I don't. The nature of my jobs is one where I don't have to be there, so it's been a big blessing for me. I go to the grocery store at like 2AM too! It's so quiet and no one there. I love it, just me and the stockers. I'm sorry that your daughter has to move so far away. I'm going on a plane to Portland for the big Ceramics conference there and I purposely took flights that were long stop-overs in Denver so I have time to get off the plane and get to somewhere quiet. I also paid an extra $150 for first class so I don't feel so cramped. I think it will be worth it. Luckily, my sister lives in Portland and I am staying with her at her home or I wouldn't go at all. She's a social worker and a blessing to me. Hopefully you'll get to visit often with your grandbaby and daughter if you can't be there all the time. If not, maybe you can connect through Skype or Facetime and read beadtime stories or just visit face to face. Sometimes that is a comfort if you can't be there. My son's grandparents are 3000 miles away and they Skype us regularly just to feel like they are here.
  15. Dee, these were exactly the things I needed to hear today. It's the house roof, and insurance will cover it, minus the grand for a deductible. It's so funny though because I'm worried more about the sounds and smells and time that strangers will be around my house more than I am about the money. So weird what freaks us out after trauma like we've had. It's not that I care about the money, it's that I care about my peace and quiet. The winds yesterday unnerved me, not because of their destruction but because of the noise. Thank you so much for these words. I'm taking the day off from work tomorrow and going to go into the studio to indulge myself in art. That's my zen place right now, headphones on, wheel spinning, just me and the moveable clay.