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About Devianz

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    Subject in Flux

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  • Location
    Midwest US
  • Loss Type
    Loss of my Son Nathan
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  1. Laurie, Thanks so much for your words. I am so sorry for your loss, and I really appreciate you telling me Jesse's story. For us, it's almost been 8 months so we are still in the pre-trial paper chase. It's always discovery hearings, and the defense stalling and dragging their feet. I was told to expect between 2-3 years before it is all settled in our case. Unfortunately for us, it's a first degree murder case and so they have to go through a few more steps and checks before they can try the guy since life without the possibility of parole is the only sentence he can receive if he is convicted on that count. Since it's all on video, and they have video, eye witnesses, the murder weapon and 86 other pieces of evidence, I don't think he'll be able to dig out of this. I just hope that he pleads guilty so we don't have to go through a jury trial. The odds are not in his favor, but he also has nothing to lose by going to trial because the prosecutor is not going to go for less than first-degree murder even if he pleads the sentence will be the same. Since our state put a moratorium on the death penalty some years ago the only sentence for that count, regardless of any circumstances, is life in prison without parole. Unless he convinces someone he's not sane. Hard for us. This guy had been my son's friend since the fifth grade. He'd been to my son's birthday parties, hung out at our house, ate dinners at our table... and he killed my son over $60. He owed my son $60, and when my son asked for him to pay it back the guy got mad and started trashing my sons bike and then left. Came back 20 minutes later with a knife and stabbed my son once through the heart and left him to die on the floor of a dirty gas station. While some other customer inside stole my son's cell phone as he laid there dying and didn't even call 911 with it. The cashier called 911 but my son died of massive internal blood loss and couldn't be revived despite the efforts of the EMT's and hospital. Another awful part was that I knew something was wrong. There is a facebook page in my area where people listen to the scanner and post what's going on in my town and I happened to see that there was a stabbing at the gas station where my son would stop on his way home from work. Then there was the picture of his bike leaning against the fence and a description of the victim. I knew right away, felt it in my bones. I called the police right away and gave them my name and number and told them it was possible that it was my son and that I couldn't reach him by cell and he hadn't come home. That was at 6pm. The police came to knock at 10:12pm, and I just collapsed on the floor saying "no no no". They asked a lot of questions, showed me a picture of the suspect from the video... I knew right away and they did too. They picked him up 20 minutes later, with the murder weapon and all the evidence. He had shaved off all his hair and was getting ready to run. He's been in jail ever since, 2 mil bail... So yeah... those shoes are the worst pair I've ever put on. And so many miles to go before I sleep...
  2. I am doing my best, and if I can help anyone else going through the same type of thing then I am going to try. There is so much inhumanity in losing an adult child. So much to go through and process. So much that doesn't make sense to us. The best we can do is restore some humanity to each other. To reach out in understanding, sympathy and kindness so that others know that they do not have to suffer alone. That we, even through electronic forums, have walked and are still walking the same paths that they are traveling down and understand on many levels the maelstrom of emotions and thoughts that crash through our hearts while we try to process what has happened to us and to our children. For me, I feel like someone had torn large swaths of pages out of a really lovely book. The story gets altered in the margins by the killers filthy hands and it's like he's written himself into our story uninvited and unwanted. It's so infuriating, but to throw the book away now is to lose the memories of our beautiful boy. The one with the blue eyes, nimble hands and beautiful voice. So I just keep trying to wash away the words written by the murderer with kindness to others and with the energy of my rage. All I can tell you is to do your best to stay strong. There will be moments, hours, even days that break you but you have to at least try to be strong. To carry your child's storybook with you so you can share his story as a cautious tale to others. As a way to reach out to others who may be carrying a book that is mostly the same. That is how we can continue to share the best part of our children forward. To give them the future that was taken from them. To let their spirit continue to move through other people and give them the light that our beautiful sons and daughters once carried within themselves.
  3. Silky, Anger and rage are feelings I get quite frequently, alongside the sadness. For me too, no one has been punished for causing the death of my son yet and it angers me so much I am nearly blind with rage at times. I just want someone to do something about the fact that my beloved son wasn't there on my birthday, did not get to spend Christmas with us... doesn't get to text and call when he just needs to talk. Some days I just want to scream. Some days I want to do much much worse... But I try to be patient, and I find that the tears of rage burn hot trails down my cheeks that would melt steel. It's so frustrating waiting, and feeling hopeless that anyone will pay for what they have done. The court dates are the worst days for me. I have to sit there trying not to stare at the murderer who took my son from me, while he lies and his mother gets to reach over the bench and comfort him. While they lie. While they try to pass blame. Sometimes I tremble with anger and I'm so exhausted that night that the next day I don't leave my bedroom. Everyone talks about the sadness, and the sorrow is soul crushing. But when your child, the one you pour all of your heart and soul into guiding and lifting up, is taken by someone elses hand... rage is the feeling I sympathize with the most. That's the feeling I get most often and the one that is the most tiring to hide. It's okay to feel that way, it's totally justified and understandable. I am sorry that we have to go through it and I wish that I could tell you that the anger subsides... I'm not there yet. I might not be until the trial is over, and maybe not even then. Maybe not ever. *hugs*
  4. That's how I feel too, Dianne. It's just one thing after another some days. Other days I feel like it's been awhile since I had too much on my plate. I'm like you, I work from home most of the time. I try to go in to work one day a week at least but most weeks I don't. The nature of my jobs is one where I don't have to be there, so it's been a big blessing for me. I go to the grocery store at like 2AM too! It's so quiet and no one there. I love it, just me and the stockers. I'm sorry that your daughter has to move so far away. I'm going on a plane to Portland for the big Ceramics conference there and I purposely took flights that were long stop-overs in Denver so I have time to get off the plane and get to somewhere quiet. I also paid an extra $150 for first class so I don't feel so cramped. I think it will be worth it. Luckily, my sister lives in Portland and I am staying with her at her home or I wouldn't go at all. She's a social worker and a blessing to me. Hopefully you'll get to visit often with your grandbaby and daughter if you can't be there all the time. If not, maybe you can connect through Skype or Facetime and read beadtime stories or just visit face to face. Sometimes that is a comfort if you can't be there. My son's grandparents are 3000 miles away and they Skype us regularly just to feel like they are here.
  5. Dee, these were exactly the things I needed to hear today. It's the house roof, and insurance will cover it, minus the grand for a deductible. It's so funny though because I'm worried more about the sounds and smells and time that strangers will be around my house more than I am about the money. So weird what freaks us out after trauma like we've had. It's not that I care about the money, it's that I care about my peace and quiet. The winds yesterday unnerved me, not because of their destruction but because of the noise. Thank you so much for these words. I'm taking the day off from work tomorrow and going to go into the studio to indulge myself in art. That's my zen place right now, headphones on, wheel spinning, just me and the moveable clay.
  6. Today I feel like I need a vacation from this rollercoaster. I miss riding the little boats in "It's a Small Small World" Every change that has come at us since Nathan passed feels like a freight train right through the middle of whatever we are trying to rebuild. One week after he passed, they started construction on a new playing field, tennis courts and running track for the high school that lasted 5 months of big vehicles, moving earth, sounds and smells starting at 7:00 am every day often until long after supper at 19:00... Then my mom got diagnosed with lung cancer right before Christmas, and now we lost 1/4 of our roof from the massive wind storms yesterday. So now we need to replace the entire roof. Money is already tight from funeral expenses, lawyer fees and medical bills... It all feels so monumental, where I used to be able to work through these things in stride. It's so exhausting and some days I just can't handle it but there is no one else who can do it for me so I keep plodding along. I need a month where nothing drastically changes. Apparently, that's too much to ask.
  7. Georgina, I love the Japanese Bowl video. I throw pottery on the wheel myself, and I love the aesthetics of the cracked vessel. It's so funny, I've been doing ceramics for years, but it was only after my Nathan passed that I learned to embrace and then love all the flaws, cracks and finger marks in every piece that I create. Only now does nothing have to be perfect to be loved. Odd, isn't it?
  8. Dee, Dianne and TommysMum, your stories helped a lot. Made me feel less like my mental state was unravelling. Yesterday was super busy with problems at work (software update that failed several times) and at the house (sump pump failed and water was seeping in around the edges), so I was too busy to slow down and really be miserable so that helped as well. Sometimes that is a good thing. Many hugs to you all. I start a group called GriefShare on Saturday, maybe it will help to be around others and talk about it.
  9. I am feeling particularly vulnerable today. Last night I was driving home from the studio and I could have sworn that Nathan was in the car with me, chatting and being animated. The tears just came and I had to pull over for a bit to have a good cry. I felt a bit like I was going crazy, and a bit unnerved at the same time. I am not really a believer in Gods and spirits, I really only believe in the connections we share with one another and how those connections effect us. It could have been a flashback, as we had many conversations like that together late at night riding in the car. My husband is quite a gregarious man, and usually when the boys wanted to talk we'd go under the guise of errands so we could share without someone else interjecting. I do the same with my youngest son now, and maybe it's a combination of both things. My youngest recently had his voice shift, and now they sound so much alike it's amazing. 7 months. In all his life, I never went more than a week without seeing him, whether it was vacations, camps, even when he moved out. Now it's been 218 days and I still want to text him and talk to him as if he was still there to respond. Anyhow, my thoughts are with janinedean today, and sending her all the courage I can muster. It feels like it was decades ago and yesterday to me.
  10. Lesley and Mermaidtears, I didn't think you were judging me at all, in fact it gave me the opportunity to really write down how I felt about it and share it so that maybe others would feel like it's normal to be resentful and angry about their situation and not be made to feel like you own them something. You owe yourself care, and honoring your own feelings is so important through the grief process I think. The one thing I am learning is to be unapologetic about the things I am feeling as long as I am expressing those feelings in a non-harmful way to myself or others. I don't feel bad that I am not speaking to her or giving her my time, and I really don't feel bad that she feels bad. I get that she should but I don't have time to take care of her, and that's a trap I work hard to ignore because I have a very strong care-giving drive. I have always adapted to be what other need/want from me without thinking of myself but I have found out through all of this three really important things; a. You need yourself as much as others need you, so take care of you so you can take care of others. b. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness, it's a sign that you trust in the love others have for you and you deserve that. c. People don't see you and your situation for who you really are and what you have done, they see you for who they are through the eyes of what they've done. Don't apologize for their perceptions and don't trust that they know you and your situation.
  11. It's difficult because she's flippant and inconsistent. She is one of those people who likes a lot of attention and needs a lot of drama and I'm not the one to give her either of those. I haven't spoken to her and actually have a no-contact order against their whole family due to some Facebook posts slighting my son and acting all hurt that their son/brother/cousin had to do it. It's all really ugly, and I actually deactivated my Facebook for exactly that reason. She keeps sending her pastor to "talk to me" about sitting down with her and forgiving her because "she's really hurting." and I get it, but I also understand that she still gets to visit him on birthdays and holidays. She gets to hear his voice on the phone. She gets to know that someday he might get out. I don't have that luxury. I am not angry with her, and I have empathy for her but I have just enough energy to keep myself and my family above water, I do not have time to comfort the mother of the man who murdered my son. I actually had to take a no-contact order out against the pastor... it's the same guy who approached me AT the funeral and asked me to come outside and meet the mother to forgive her. And when I said no, the misogynistic jerk went to my husband to "talk some sense into your wife and guide her correctly" because apparently I am unable to make up my own mind and follow my own heart. He started coming by my house weekly and I had to finally contact the police. He ruined my son's funeral for me because I was so angry at the gall of the mother and the pastor I barely had time to grieve. It was a day to celebrate my son, not to focus on hers. It was an injury I don't wish to repeat. I know that I will forgive her in time, for my own hearts sake but I am not there yet. Maybe after the trial and everything is said and done I will feel differently.
  12. I felt that way too, at first Silky. I didn't want to see anyone I knew and felt like everyone was judging me. Most of my closest friends didn't know what to say to me and so they just weren't around either. It was stunning how isolated and alone you feel after you lose a child, like no one wants to address it for fear of hurting or offending you. It's very hard and it will take so much time for you to find a new normal. For me, after a few months I found a class for ceramics (pottery) and signed up and I found that channeling my silence and energy into clay was very helpful. I started to go to the store for short trips with my husband as early as the store opened so there weren't as many people there. But only do it when you think you can handle it. I still have bad days were I don't leave the house but I am slowly finding my footing. The sadness never really goes away, but when you are ready you can start small and take each moment at your own pace. Don't be afraid to ask your husband and family for help either, you need time to grieve and not worry about pushing your own limits. If you try too much or force yourself too hard it can lead to putting on masks and faking being happy and that only prolongs the healing. It makes it harder for people to see how you are really feeling and reach out to you. Don't worry about others right now, worry about yourself and take your time with your grief. I write in a journal, not anything prolific but just a few lines a day to give my summary of that day or the start of a new one. I find that writing how I am feeling down also helps. You have to find a healthy way to express yourself, and I certainly spent more than my share of mornings in bed hiding from the world until after lunch. It's okay to feel that way, and it's okay to not leave the shelter of your bed and bedroom. Take it easy and take it slow Silky. Much love to you and your husband. ~Margo
  13. Lesley, I am actually learning to play it now, with his guitar books and magazines and a good teacher. It brings me a little peace. I do certainly feel like he's beside me when I am playing, giving me tips and laughing at my mistakes. I like the loud memories the best. *hugs*
  14. Becky, I am so very sorry for your loss. Those poor children, it's so rough on them. Many hugs. Dianne, It was a trying day for me. Long morning in court, only to find another scheduled for March 22nd. And now the tentative trial start on September 11th of this year. A full year and two months after. I guess it's something but there are days where I wish there were no such thing as lawyers and the killers mom could talk him into pleading guilty like she wants him to. It's days like this that remind me of the phrase: "God only gives use as much as he thinks we can handle... but I really wish he didn't trust me so much."
  15. I am so sorry for your unspeakable loss, Silky. Most clinics don't allow users to leave with methadone, and I am so sorry that your son didn't know. There are never any words of comfort to lose a son so young and I wish that there were. I understand feeling lost and not having any faith anymore, it's hard to tether yourself to anything right now and you feel like you are drifting. There aren't any whys? that will comfort a parent who has lost their child, when others try it never fills that gap. I am glad that you came to share your feelings with us. I lost my own son just this last year before his 21st birthday. The truth is that we can never keep them 100% safe, and it doesn't mean that we didn't do our best for them. I too was in the military and served in Frankfurt Am Main for 3 1/2 years and I loved it there, I always felt comfortable and good in Germany and wished I could have stayed there but was stationed elsewhere and wasn't anywhere near retirement. Sadly, the world has a drug epidemic going on with opioids and it doesn't skip small towns. Heroin is cheap, highly addictive, no longer requires a needle and is more pure now that it has ever been so more and more people are getting addicted. The best treatment for that addiction is methadone, but it is not without drawbacks and should not be available to bring home for the same horrible thing that happened to your son. It would be easy to mistake for a juice drink and consumed by children. It's just so awful to hear about your son and I hope that you find some peace soon. Much kindness and caring goes out to you and your husband.