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About Devianz

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    Subject in Flux

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  • Gender
  • Location
    Midwest US
  • Loss Type
    Loss of my Son Nathan
  • Angel Date
  1. Dianne and Lou ann, Thank you for thinking of me on Friday. It was a rough day for me and I carried the anger through the weekend for the most part. It's exhausting, but the house ends up really really clean with my frustration and rage. That's where I channel it; into scrubbing floors and walls, cleaning the oven, shaving the poor dog.... anything to keep my mind and hands busy so I don't throw things. Because I really want to throw things. Also, I find you can scream while you are vacuuming and the neighbors just assume your vacuum is on the fritz. The dog doesn't like his new hairdo so much but his fur will grow back and it's better for the summer anyway. I am however, getting a lot of side eye from him now. I did get some ceramics done this weekend, a couple of cups and a bowl that turned out pretty nicely. I was feeling up to that at least. It looks like I'll be having surgery July 31st, to remove a "number of things" but we won't know the full details until the genetics tests come back. Then we can put together a game plan, and get 'er done... so to speak. I have to be completely convalesced by September 11th as that will be the first day of the trial whether it is a bench trial or jury trial. Still a long way off it seems and I still have to get past the one year anniversary. Thank you Dianne, Dee, Susan and Lesley for sharing your personal narratives with so much kindness and wisdom. Sometimes when I am not up to posting, I just sit and read what you all write and it makes me feel so much less alone. It's a comfort to me that you are all willing to share and give us so much time, grace and courage when a lot of us are very early in our journey. it's a big help to me, and it fills my heart so I can't thank you all enough. Tinay, Let your body tell you how much it can take, and don't push yourself too much. Grief is as much physical as it is emotional, and sometimes we can push too much and find ourselves a little thin and vulnerable. Just listen to your body and take breaks where you need to. You are a strong woman, and I am sure you were so proud at your son's graduation. It must have been a bittersweet day, but I am sure that by wearing her bracelet, you had her with you by your side. Sending much love and positive energy to Georgina and Charlotte, and hoping for a healthy outcome. I'll keep you in my heart over the next few weeks.
  2. I am sorry I haven't been posting. With my current health issues, and the chaos in the world my anxiety levels are near crippling. I don't think I've left the house now in 2 1/2 weeks, and I have a court date on June 9th to face my son's murderer again and I'm not in a good place to do so. I have a doctors appointment on the 6th with the geneticist and the surgeon to see what approach we are taking to my issues. One of the biopsies came back "suspect" as pre-cancerous so there is a lot of testing and procedural things we have to do to get ready for that too. I'm just overwhelmed right now. I am sorry for not being more present right now. Know that I am thinking of you all. My thoughts right now are with all the people being attacked in London at the moment. Three separate incidents ongoing. If you are near the area, please stay safe at home.
  3. Dee, I am so glad that your husband is home and on the mend. It's so tough seeing others in illness and I am happy to hear your son is watching over him. If he's anything like me, he hates sitting still and always pushes himself too hard while recovering. It's a gorgeous day today and I am sure that the kids in your classroom are just itching to get outside at the end of this school year and enjoy the sunlight. When I was a kid, the sunlight on my face with my eyes closed while the breeze kissed my eyelashes was the best feeling in the world. It was the only time I really felt free. Hoping you have a wonderful Memorial Day weekend and enjoy your holiday off. Summer is almost here. Almost. Lesley, I don't find it hard to talk about Nathan to others lately. I want people to know him like I knew him, his music, his laughter, his giving heart. So I share whenever possible, and I've never really cared what other people think so they can judge and they can speculate but I'll only give them light because that is what he was to me. A light. I do find it hard to talk about the two others, because those are so much more complicated. With what I am going through now with my lady bits, it has to be explained for health reasons but since I am going through therapy and have begun to work on my past wounds and traumas to help me heal and move on after Nathan's death, it feels more painful because I am still dealing with resolving those issues. Plus they have me on those damned hormones and I am a lunatic now. A total roller coaster. It's no good at all. Thank you for your kind words and thoughts. Margo
  4. My heart just cried when I heard about all the children who were lost in the terrorist attack in Manchester. I was hysterical with tears because I know what they will have to go through. The sudden traumatic loss, the unanswered questions, the lack of justice. it's suck a long and painful journey and I hate to think of others having to try to navigate it. It's so difficult and I can't even turn on the news now. It made me want to hide away again and not engage with anyone. I'm a lunatic the last few days, as I'm on high doses of hormones that my body isn't used to and it's so disconcerting. I ended up going to the ER and getting some IV fluids and a blood transfusion when they realized how much blood I had lost. I am seeing a specialist now, and the high doses of hormones have slowed but not stopped things. The plan is to take the whole mess out, which comes with it's own set of loss but I am looking forward to at the same time. These issues have gone on for me for the better part of three years and I'm tired of being in pain and having to carry so many extra pads and changes of clothes around in my bag. I'm really just exhausted, but at least now we have a plan. We have to wait for a few biopsies to come back, and for them to test my BRCA1 & 2 gene mutations. If those are fine, they only take some out but if they come out positive, it's the whole shebang. I just want it all over with but am trying to be patient. It's hard to be patient when your body is pumped full of estrogen though... blargh. My heart cries for Lorri. That's my worst fear right now is losing my other child. It's the leading cause of my anxiety and I grapple so often with being protective and allowing him to live his life as normally as possible. My thoughts go out to her even though we've never met. This is such a hard day for her, I will keep sending positive thoughts. Through all this nonsense with my health, they keep asking me how many pregnancies I've had and how many living children. It's like ripping off a bandage over and over for me. It was always hard since I have had 4 pregnancies two of which were late stage stillbirths and only two live births. Now that I only have one living child, it makes it so heavy to answer that question. Some times I have to explain it and that just makes it so I relive each one and it leaves me rattled for days.
  5. Tommy's Mum, I'm alright, thank you for asking after me. I've been here and reading but just don't have the energy to post. I'm having female issues, and have been stuck in a cycle now for 34 days, and they have tried several different hormones to get it to stop. I'm having an ultrasound tomorrow but my iron count is super low and I'm in a lot of pain and discomfort. I wish they'd just take the whole thing out of me... it's certainly not going to do me any good at 45 years old. It's done this 7 times in the last two years but this time it's the worst I've seen. Saw a new doctor on Monday, but he was a misogynistic jerk who leered at me from over the tops of his glasses when I was describing my symptoms and pain in the most condescending way. Like it's all in my head. What he doesn't know is that I have an extremely high threshold for pain and I don't come to the doctor unless there is something really wrong. 4 years ago my appendix ruptured and filled my gut with 2.5 liters of fluid, I didn't go to the doctor until almost 2 days later when I couldn't pick my head up off the pillow anymore. So physical pain is something I can tolerate a lot of. This is different though. I know something is wrong but I can't get anyone to listen. Mother's Day was particularly hard on me. A lot of weepy moments. My husband was very kind, making me breakfast and dinner and was just generally very aware and sweet. It was hard for him too. I don't expect Father's Day to be much easier. While my husband wasn't my son's bio dad, he was there from the time Nathan was 3, so he was the only father Nathan ever knew and was so good to Nathan. He's a good man, and it will hit him hard. I didn't go out to brunch with my Mom, as I wasn't up for her drama routine. I told her I wasn't up for company but they came out anyway for a visit. So I sat in my garden pulling weeds while talking to them so I could wear my sunglasses and they wouldn't see the tears. Mom could never respect boundries. Dee, Strep Throat sucks... Popsicles and Jello. And lots of warm fluid. Chicken Bone Broth if you can find it and aren't vegan.
  6. What a beautiful boy, I'm so sorry for you and your family. I'm just like you Kelly, I'm not an angry person at all usually but now I am full of rage. And as righteous as the rage is, because part of our future was cut from us, it still is hard to understand and be comfortable with that kind of anger. And it hits me at inopportune times too and like you, I hope it gets better after the trial is over and there is justice. But I have also come to understand that it may never come and I'll have to learn to navigate that map when I come to it. I do try not to take my anger out on others or on myself. It's so easy to blame ourselves for not being there or protecting them but you can't be there in each moment, in each day. You did the best you could for Jordan, and some times these things are just out of our hands. The guilt for me was so hard too, still is some days. You will never "get over it" as people have asked you to. They have no right to say that and no understanding what you are going through. This is a tremendous thing, a gigantic piece missing from your narrative and there is no time for you to just turn the page. Sudden and violent tragedy happened and you had no time to prepare, you will need time for adjustments and you will need forgiveness for yourself. There are no manuals to help you through, but you can learn to lean on the people around you for help even when they don't understand your grief. Even if it's just for help doing the dishes, or taking you to the store for groceries because you are crying too much to drive yourself. It's okay to burst out in tears too, because you can't control it and it will hit you at various times. It still happens to me a lot these days. Give yourself time and kindness. You will never get over it, and you will have to learn to draw new maps and write new stories while remembering the old. I wish you peace and love, Kelly. ~Margo
  7. Kelly, I am so sorry for your loss. My son was stabbed to death just three weeks shy of his 21st birthday nine months ago, so my heart goes out to you. I am so sorry it's taking them so long to release the body, it's always difficult when there is a pending investigation. You are right that it's a living nightmare, and all sorts of things go through your head. It took me months to even want to leave the house, and it's been really difficult with his brother as well. There will be a lot of sorrow, and a lot of anger, and it's okay to feel that way. You will have to make sure you take care of yourself as Rainie suggested, drink lots of water and make sure you eat even when you don't want to. I had to set a timer on my phone to remind myself to eat as I had no appetite. I am so sorry that you are going through this, it's so similar to my own situation and it's so hard. Know that we are here to listen to you and will respond when we can. This is my Nathaniel;
  8. Same here, Dee. I'm pretty lucky to have survived. I think the epidemic now is so wide-spread that it's hitting all areas so hard. So many easy to obtain opiates that lead to really strong addiction and have such a high incidence of abuse. I cry for all the parents that have to go through that and my son was heading that way if he didn't know it at the time. I lost a lot of friends in the 80's as well, and I only stopped myself when a very close friend died. Now it's different, it's everywhere and so prevelant and the drugs are more addictive than ever. I have already talked to my younger son about drugs and can only hope for the best. My heart is crushed for each of you who have to go through it. My county has an initiative called 'A Way Out' where anyone can walk into almost any police department and ask for a way out and they will be free from prosecution and they find treatment for them. It's that bad here and I'm in a more affluent suburb of the city. I've been getting more and more involved in it, solely because I don't want any other parent to go through what I am going through. It's a different kind of loss, but equally profound and devastating. Many hugs to all of you, I don't think any harm was meant at all by the posts. Knowing Susan's past posts, I am sure it was only out of compassion.
  9. Thank you so much for the kind responses. I try to be as honest as possible with people, without causing any harm. I've done EMDR and it does help a lot. At first, I was having constant flashbacks and nightmares and went three days without sleeping or eating. It was a waking nightmare as well, and my therapist suggested it. It helped quite a bit, but it's an expensive treatment around here. Lesley, You are so right about shifting focus from the future our children might have had, to sharing the light they carried so that others have a better and brighter future. Our children would have not wanted us to be full of sadness and sorrow all of the time. I think for me, it has helped to think of how I want to be remembered to people after I die, and I try to be that person. All of our children had lights that the world attempted to snuff out, but it lives on in us and maybe we can take that flame and light others candles. As hard as it can be sometimes, if I can talk to one young man about making bad choices and change his mind, then I am keeping Nathaniel alive in my heart. Lou Ann and AmyAnne, I am not sure you should expect it to get any easier, but it will be filled with less sorrow as you can make way for more joy. In the beginning, I tried to hide my feelings and be strong for everyone but I realized that I was harming my own recovery and halting my own journey. The path through this storm of poop is really treacherous and it's slippery and it stinks. It's never easy. Never easy to talk about, never easy to think about. You don't have to fake it though. One of the hardest things I've learned in the last 9 months is to reach out for help. To ask others to help me do tasks, not because I am weak but because everyone needs time for themselves. Take time for yourself. Ask a neighbor or a family member to watch the girls, ask someone you trust to help out a little with housework, or making a meal or driving them to school. Reach out and take others hands, it's okay to be stop being strong and need help. It's okay to ask for it. For your own sake. Don't let anyone tell you to "get over it" or "learn to cope", you do it in your time and at your pace. Sometimes we forget that the beauty that was in our children was fostered in our own hearts and we are also beautiful. We are worth spending the time on, because as we know first hand... when the light of life go out, it casts a darkness over the all of the people who are in our lives. Colleen, You are right about it being a journey, and for me I'm only 9 months in. Each day is a new journey actually, and each day has new things we have to navigate. There is always a storm on the horizon that we have to learn to predict or shelter ourselves from and I don't think that ever will pass. It's easier to watch the storm, and worry about what the storm might bring. But we can learn to open our sails, cast our crew with good deckhands and healthy choices and we can feel the sunlight on our faces when we are looking in the right direction. The storm will never pass, but the sea is wide and the sky is endless.
  10. I'm not placing much value or weight into the idea of "the first year" as I'm taking it one day at a time. Some days I have all my shizznit together, and some days I don't. It's okay either way, as adjustment and change are part of my every day life since Nathan was murdered. Some days I am really very angry and spread that anger equally among the person who caused his death, his family, and my own self (and his bio father) for not being enough or doing enough to stop the tragedy. For a little while, I had a very difficult time discerning what was real and what was illusion/delusion due to the violent and traumatic nature of his death. I have significant PTSD since having viewed some of the video from the killing, and from the circumstances. I cry a lot, I mourn a lot and I work really hard on maintaining control over the threads that have unraveled since the event. Each and every day is a struggle to find little shreds of joy. I've accepted that this is my life, because I really have no choice but to learn to adapt. Not move on, just work around the bowl full of poop that I've been handed. But at no point have I ever lashed out or taken it out on anyone else, because everyone I know is dealing with it in their own way. We all deserve a little compassion and kindness when dealing with our grief. We are all harder on ourselves than any judgement people could pass on us. We may wear similar shoes, but they are NOT the same shoes... no one has the right to demean and belittle anyone else for any garbage label they want to apply. We are all human, we are all in this **** together and we should all be gracious enough to extend the kindness we would like for ourselves. So, in short... if you can't find the grace within yourself to be kind with other people. Give it awhile. Don't type, just sit and think about how you would want people to respond to you. Then take out all the judgement. And then speak. If you can't be that kind of human, please be considerate and stfu until you can. We all have enough to deal with. A special thanks to all those who have reached out and been very kind to me. I appreciate it more than you know and will be forever grateful to have each and every one of you in my life at a time when I needed you the most. This place makes me feel less alone, a little less crazy and a little more hopeful and I can't tell you how valuable it is. I am thankful and hope that sharing some of my experiences helps some of you as well.
  11. AmyAnne, I am so sorry for your loss, and grateful that you have been able to be there for her girls as they try to navigate through life without their mother and with their drug addicted father. The road ahead doesn't seem to be any easier for you than it has been thus far, but you will find small blessings along the way. My own son Nathan was murdered last July, three months shy of his 21st birthday. For me, sometimes it's simple things. His place at the table with a new friend at it. The light in my youngest son's eyes that is so familiar of my son Nathan. The tonal sound of his guitar. It's been just 9 months today, and it's been hell so far. But I am comforted by the small simple things. I am sure that as the girls grow, you will see hints of your beautiful daughter. Her strength of will, a smile that feels like a memory. Happy reminders, and while they are tinged with sadness, there is huge anew in things found. It will start to bring small doses of happiness. I feel like I've aged 5 years these last nine months, and you didn't sign up to raise more kids when you thought you were already done. They are a blessing, even when they are trying your very last nerve. They are her legacy, and their beauty is her beauty and her beauty is your beauty. I know it's hard to keep carrying, but it will be worth it. Their first play at school, The first report cards, their first dates... They will need you there, and be thankful that you are there to make memories with and for them. You have all lost so much, but you have each other. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Silky, Talking is good even if it's about very little. It's good that you are getting out of the house and talking to someone other than your husband, as he is going through his own grief as well. Everyone functions differently in grief, and there can be hard feelings when one person doesn't feel exactly the same, so it is good you have an outside party to share with. I'm sure it doesn't seem helpful to you right now, but even venting your sadness, anger and frustration is good because you aren't directing it at the people you love. I love the idea of a mourning walk. I am sure it was so good for all of you. When I lived in Germany, I went on many Volksmarches, and the feeling of community you feel with the people around you walking is a wonderful feeling. I am sure that he was walking there with you and with Alan as you remembered him with friends. What a wonderful thing to do. I miss Germany for many reasons but most of all for the people. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- MamaDukes, I share so much of your pain, I am experiencing many of the things you are and it always feels like people are just layering injustice after injustice upon my son's memory. It's so hard, and feels so gigantic that you can't explain it to others. It feels like your whole world is darkened. I know that your son would be a great comfort to you in your time of grief, and that's what makes it even harder. You raised him to be a good man, expecting to be able to have him with you in walking life to help and bring you joy and that was tragically taken from you. But you can still carry him in your heart. We will help light the way for you when we can. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Today it is beautiful outside. I took a walk in the sun during my work break and listened for the birds and felt the gentle warm wind on my cheeks. When I came back in, I passed the mirror and noticed that my cheeks are blushed the way my son's used to when he was elated. It made me smile. Much love and light to you all today. I am reminded of the opening stanza to an Emily Dickinson poem called, 'The World is not Conclusion'
  12. Mika, I am so sorry for your loss. Last July my 20 year old son was murdered in cold blood, just three weeks before his 21st birthday. My son Nathan would have given anyone anything, including the shirt off his back if he thought you needed it more than he did. He was an older brother too, and my youngest son is 16 now and misses his brother every day. We struggle with coping, and watch as our friends drift away from us because they cannot understand the pain. It's so much. Some days it's so much that it feels like the house just isn't big enough to hold the sorrow inside anymore. I don't think it will ever stop hurting. I am so sorry we are going through this, and it's so much harder when it gets drawn out by trials because of a violent death. There is no reasoning for it to have happened, there is no true justice, there is only pain and no answers. My heart goes out to you in your time of great sadness. We still have the trial to go through, and we have hearings along the way where I have to sit and look at the man who murdered my son in cold blood and I want to scream. I want to stand up and scream at him. I want to stand up and scream at his mother for raising such a monster. Screaming is a natural reaction to rage... and we have a reason to rage. I will not stop screaming until I feel like someone is listening, and maybe not even then. *hugs*
  13. Lesley, I think we're all a work in progress. Maybe your love of music will come back to you in time, maybe it won't. Who's to say anymore in our worlds that have been forever changed. There is a restaurant we used to go to that Nathan just adored and we loved it too. It was our special occasion place to eat, and we have gone back twice now and the food tastes just horrible. They haven't changed chefs or the menu, I just think the memories we made there are so much more special than the food ever was or maybe we just can't enjoy it without Nathan there to share it with. Who's to say how our minds cope with loss? Each one of us is different, each situation unique. There are still songs I can't listen to, but there are a lot of songs and music that I really get lost in. Last week it was Allen Toussaint, Miles Davis and John Coltrane in my playlist. This week it's Assemblage 23 and VNV Nation... there is a huge chasm between the genres for sure. There is a song by Assemblage23 that has resonated with me this week and the some of the lyrics are;
  14. What a beautiful gift on Erica's birthday. Happy Birthday to Erica and I am so glad to hear that you don't have to take the medication anymore. Those kinds of medication can make you so run down and it will be nice for you to get some of those chemicals out of your body. What wonderful news, Dee. BrokenHeartedMom, I am so sorry for your loss, I am glad you spoke up and shared with us and I am so sorry for your loss. I also lost my son just a few months before yours and it's been a living hell for me. Moving on is something you will never do in the sense that others want you to, but you can start to slowly build yourself into something new, but different. This is our burden, the parents of children who died. You expect to have your child around you your whole life, and suddenly something rips through those future hopes and dreams like a category 5 tornado and leaves a gaping path of destruction and loss where it goes. These are the toughest days, where we try to put our house back in order. We try to find all the bits and pieces of the hope that once was and bring it all back together as memories. It's photo albums and journal pages, but don't let anyone tell you how long it should take you to rebuild your new home. There are no insurance adjusters to come an assess damage and make payments to ease your suffering. We have to put it all back together and sometimes that can even take decades. And that's okay. There isn't a magic window of time that you should be looking through. Give yourself time, do it at your pace, one day at a time, one hour at a time, but be sure to take rests and take care of yourself. Let people help you where they can, but don't let them dictate how you should heal or set a timeline for you. There is no normal. There is no "right amount of time". Just know that many of us are in towns just like yours, examining our homes that we destroyed and we are slowly building them back at our own pace. Sometimes people have extra materials here that we can share with one another. Sometimes we have to borrow tools from each other. Sometimes we just want to sit on what's left of the front porch and share together about our circumstances. We all live in this town, it's our town. It's a town we live in and we grew up there and have family and friends there. It's a tough journey and a lot of tough work, but our children would want a roof over our heads and a table to share dinners upon. There is a great book I got after my son was murdered called "I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye" by Brook Noel and Pamela Blair PhD. It's about dealing with sudden loss, and is one of the best of the books I either received or purchased myself after my son passed.
  15. I am having a really shaky day today, and I have had to go in to work for a meeting which always sets me off kilter. Routines are comfortable for me right now, and I get really out of sorts when my routines are wrong. I have a lump in my throat and my heart is beating really heavy right now. Meeting is in 20 minutes and it can't be over soon enough so that I can go back home where it is comfortable to cry if I need to.