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About Devianz

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    Subject in Flux

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  • Location
    Midwest US
  • Loss Type
    Loss of my Son Nathan
  • Angel Date
  1. So this weekend, our basement flooded and the sump pump failed at 10:30 PM, just when all the hardware stores had closed for the evening. We stayed up all night trying to keep things out of the water and I noticed that some of Nathaniel's things got a little wet on the bottom and my heart was crushed. I spent most of Sunday in the basement sorting through what could be salvaged and what had to be thrown out. It was a cruel end to the cruelest year on record. Tomorrow is Nathan's angel date, and I am not sure I'll be on to respond. I'm tired. I have that major surgery in one week as well, so I'm getting double the dose of stress and anxiety. We also found out that one of Nathan's friends committed suicide over the weekend, and I know he was distraught for a long time after Nathan's passing. I reached out to his mother and we both had a very long conversation filled with lots of tears and lots of hugs. I have that funeral to attend next weekend. She did not want to have it during the week. Tomorrow we are going to plant a tree in a protected forest preserve and place a spoonful of his ashes beneath with the help of a ranger friend of ours. He loved the outdoors and camping, so we felt it was only fitting.
  2. Dee, Thinking of you today and sending many warm thoughts your way for you and your family. I've been so grateful for your stories and words over the 11.8 months and I find strength in your courage and hopeful attitude. Much love and light to you all.
  3. Lesley, It sure can be really difficult to get through sometimes. I'm glad you did okay, and that you are well enough to post and explain your emotions. It really does help those of us going through similar experiences. You are a treasure. It was kind of your sister to talk to the children before hand. That can be very uncomfortable, so it was very compassionate of her. My sister bought us a month of Blue Apron meals after Nathan was killed, since she lived too far away to bring us meals. It was such a kindness for us, and the fact that we cooked them together as a family made it even better. Gave us all a reason to drag us out of the depths to come together and be close. A blessing. I have lab tests tomorrow, for the pre-op physical even though the surgery is still 3 weeks away. And I also have to do a colon prep, so that's something to look forward to! (sarcasm) I've actually come into work today despite not feeling up to it and I regretted it as soon as I arrived but I'm trying to make the most of my time in the office and touching base with everyone I need to face-to-face so that they know I still exist.
  4. Thanks all for the thoughts, Matthew arrived safe and sound. Now I have to get through the next month without losing my marbles!
  5. I lost my son violently last year in July, and it never really feels real. There is a surreal quality to life now, and on bad days I even question what is real and what is fake. It feels so lonely at times, even though I have a loving partner and some people around me. Most of the time I feel like people around me are going to be gone in an instant, and the terror of that is so debilitating. I have very high anxiety most days. I don't like it when people say, "He's in a better place." or "He has a plan for your son." because I had a plan for my son, he had plans for his life and some violent ahole took his life from us. That's not a better place. That's not his plan. It's not comforting for me when people say things like that, a better place is here with family and friends who love him. But I lost my faith a long time before my son was murdered. Court cases can take a very long time. Just be prepared to wait for a long while before getting any closure on justice for your Mom. My son was murdered on July 25, 2016 and they caught the guy July 26, 2016. They have a signed confession, a video of the entire incident and a ton of evidence and still the defense puts in delay after delay after delay. We've had so many potential court dates and still they keep pushing it out further. They had it scheduled for September 11th, and just last week I found out they aren't going to meet that either. It's a very frustrating and painful process to get justice. Be patient and don't be afraid to ask others for help in your journey. Taking care of yourself is so very important. I saw my son's body before he was cremated, and it broke my heart. I saw the scar on his upper lip and I knew it was him, so I kissed his brow and said my goodbyes. Like you, it's a memory that will always be stuck in my head. It's hard, really hard most days so I know how you are feeling. It didn't look like him, so the closure I was seeking was not there for me and still hasn't come. Maybe after we get a guilty verdict... maybe never. My sympathies go out to you, I am so sorry you are going through this. it's the worst journey you can go on, and you are not alone Sadiepup6983. Someone bought me a book after my son was murdered called; 'I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye' and it's a great book about healing after a sudden/violent loss. They have a workbook as well that is equally helpful. Here's more information: I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye: Surviving, Coping and Healing After the Sudden Death of a Loved One by Brook Noel and Pamela Blair PhD
  6. Gretchen, My heart is with you today and hope that you find your peace today. Your anxiety is an anxiety I know all too well, and I am so sympathetic. May you have an easy and light journey today and that you find what you are looking for to help ease your soul a little bit. Many many hugs and all the light I can give to you and to Forest on this day. He was a beautiful boy whom I know brought you much joy and light. Godspeed my dear. Susan, What a lovely picture of you and your family. It must have been a wonderful day, and it's always good to keep those memories close to your heart on days that remind you so much of John David. Sherry, Thank you for the lovely words, it is very stressful lately with the delays and the courts. I'm just so exhausted all the time, and I know it's not helping that my health isn't good right now either. I feel like some days I have internalized all the pain and that is why it sits in my womb and pains me so. Today I also sent my youngest son to the airport with his father to fly to Canada to spend a month with all of our relatives, which we do every year but this year I am especially anxious and sad. I gave him a big strong hug and told him I'd love him and I'd miss him before they left, hiding the twisting in my gut and the tears. I try so hard not to make my grief, his grief. To let him grieve in his own way and to live life without the fears and anxieties I have for him. Some days it's really hard. Today is going to be a very long day indeed. I ask that all of you keep my Matthew in mind as he travels over the earth to be delivered safely to his grandparents in Calgary. He has many friends and family waiting there for him and that it gives him the space and freedom to remember how to be a child in a world that has made him grow up a bit too fast. ~Margo
  7. Tinay, I just want to reach across the internet and hug you right now. That is the worst thing for me too, the pain of knowing that my son died with no friends around him outside a dirty gas station after being stabbed by a guy he thought was a friend and whom he knew since 5th grade. I think I remember the coroner telling me that he died almost instantly, but I think this is something they say to family to try and ease the pain. I can find no peace for these questions either and some days it just eats me up inside. I wonder if he knew he was going to die, I wonder how much pain he was in. It's just the painful questions we, as parents, ask ourselves over and over because we were supposed to be able to protect them from pain and suffering. But there was nothing you could do, it was out of your hands and you couldn't have prevented it. Oh my heart hurts for you, I spend so much time with the same pain. hugs hugs hugs Lou Ann, Thanks for the kind words. Yes, the anniversary date is July 25, my surgery is July 31, and his twenty second birthday would have been August 16th. So it will be a rough time for a bit for me. In a way, it's good that they pushed the court date back because I'll have more time to recover and gather myself. As much as I want the trial over with and to see that man permanently behind bars where he can't hurt anyone else, I want them to do it right so there is zero chance of appeal. Jennifer, I am so sorry for your loss in such a traumatic way. It's so hard to lose a child when you know the fault is someone else's. It's a very hard journey to walk, and please know that many of us are walking that same journey and understand and feel your pain. The pain never goes away, and I haven't gotten over the occasional thought that Nathaniel will walk through the door at any moment and I will be filled with his laughter once more. Some days are better than other but I still walk around corners expecting to see him standing there. It's very difficult. My heart goes out to you, you are not alone. He was a beautiful boy, treasure those pictures and keep posting. We'll walk with you.
  8. So we had a court date on the 22nd, and apparently the defense is stalling claiming he doesn't have enough access to his client (not due to the jail but an overload of the public defenders office) and now we will not start the trial on September 11th. It's delay after delay after delay. It is just now 11 months after Nathaniel was murdered, and the man's mother gets to visit him in prison and celebrate holidays and birthdays when we sit in this kind of purgatory between getting some justice and the horror and devastation that was caused. I'm beyond angry right now, and because of my current issues, I just don't have any energy. I feel like some days this whole thing is slowly killing me. I'm stressed beyond any limit and I just want to sleep all the time. Even small triumphs that I am meeting in my life are so fleeting and temporary in their bit of happiness. My youngest son leaves to visit our family in Alberta next week and he'll be gone for one month. I'm very anxious about it, but I think it will be good for him to be away in a very nurturing environment with his grandparents, aunts, uncles and lots of cousins. And I'll be having surgery at the end of July, so it will be good that he is not here for that. He doesn't need the extra stress and anxiety. I'm looking for a place nearby where we can go camping one weekend while my son is away as it's always a good way for my husband and I to regroup and get to know each other again. We sit and play cards and chat for hours next to the campfire and it's just heaven. We were camping just 3 days before Nathaniel was murdered, so it would be nice to get that peaceful time away to reflect. I did a ceramics workshop two weekends ago that was good for my soul, but I realize how much I miss doing ceramics during the summer and I can't wait for the semester to begin. I really need to get past this trial and then focus on building my own studio. I'm also struggling right now with not feeling like the place that I am at has enough open windows. I'm not sure what it is, but I want to be able to breathe the outside air all the time. I have to have open windows, and not just a fan or AC. It's driving me batty really, and I can't tell if it's these stupid BC pills I'm on to stop the bleeding, or if it's some new feature of my anxiety/ptsd. I'm beyond frustrated about it. I have a call into my doctor. Speaking of doctors, all 44 of my genetic tests for the genes they know cause breast/ovarian/colon cancer came back negative, so that's a relief and they won't be taking the ovaries, just everything else. So at least there will be no crash course in menopause, it will proceed normally just without the other bits. It also means that once surgery is over I can go off the lunacy pills that are causing increased nightmares and extreme moodiness. Ready to get the whole thing over with now that we have a plan. It's a waiting game Georgina, I was very happy to hear that Charlotte is back home, my thoughts and wishes go out to her for a speedy recovery and to you for strength and compassion. Laurie, I'm glad that your medical procedure was clear. Here's to many more of those and to your good health. Lesley, It's always hard to catch your son out of the corner of your eye when you see someone who looks so much like him. My youngest son looks very much like Nathan did though he is much taller. Sometimes I hear him speak with Nathan's voice and it takes my breath away. I hope the visit goes well, and that you know that each one of your family keeps your son alive in some way, and while it's hard sometimes to see you can take comfort knowing that there are still hopes and dreams alive in your sisters son. Dee, I am glad that Jonathan is on the mend and that you get to spend time with your grandbabies. I can tell you from experience that time spent with grandparents can make lasting memories for children and the time you spend with them will strengthen your bond far into the future. it's good that you live close and that you are able to take care of them. What a blessing for you all. I will continue to send loving thoughts to you and Jonathan, Shannon and the children. You will all need patience and kindness in his journey to wellness.
  9. Dianne and Lou ann, Thank you for thinking of me on Friday. It was a rough day for me and I carried the anger through the weekend for the most part. It's exhausting, but the house ends up really really clean with my frustration and rage. That's where I channel it; into scrubbing floors and walls, cleaning the oven, shaving the poor dog.... anything to keep my mind and hands busy so I don't throw things. Because I really want to throw things. Also, I find you can scream while you are vacuuming and the neighbors just assume your vacuum is on the fritz. The dog doesn't like his new hairdo so much but his fur will grow back and it's better for the summer anyway. I am however, getting a lot of side eye from him now. I did get some ceramics done this weekend, a couple of cups and a bowl that turned out pretty nicely. I was feeling up to that at least. It looks like I'll be having surgery July 31st, to remove a "number of things" but we won't know the full details until the genetics tests come back. Then we can put together a game plan, and get 'er done... so to speak. I have to be completely convalesced by September 11th as that will be the first day of the trial whether it is a bench trial or jury trial. Still a long way off it seems and I still have to get past the one year anniversary. Thank you Dianne, Dee, Susan and Lesley for sharing your personal narratives with so much kindness and wisdom. Sometimes when I am not up to posting, I just sit and read what you all write and it makes me feel so much less alone. It's a comfort to me that you are all willing to share and give us so much time, grace and courage when a lot of us are very early in our journey. it's a big help to me, and it fills my heart so I can't thank you all enough. Tinay, Let your body tell you how much it can take, and don't push yourself too much. Grief is as much physical as it is emotional, and sometimes we can push too much and find ourselves a little thin and vulnerable. Just listen to your body and take breaks where you need to. You are a strong woman, and I am sure you were so proud at your son's graduation. It must have been a bittersweet day, but I am sure that by wearing her bracelet, you had her with you by your side. Sending much love and positive energy to Georgina and Charlotte, and hoping for a healthy outcome. I'll keep you in my heart over the next few weeks.
  10. I am sorry I haven't been posting. With my current health issues, and the chaos in the world my anxiety levels are near crippling. I don't think I've left the house now in 2 1/2 weeks, and I have a court date on June 9th to face my son's murderer again and I'm not in a good place to do so. I have a doctors appointment on the 6th with the geneticist and the surgeon to see what approach we are taking to my issues. One of the biopsies came back "suspect" as pre-cancerous so there is a lot of testing and procedural things we have to do to get ready for that too. I'm just overwhelmed right now. I am sorry for not being more present right now. Know that I am thinking of you all. My thoughts right now are with all the people being attacked in London at the moment. Three separate incidents ongoing. If you are near the area, please stay safe at home.
  11. Dee, I am so glad that your husband is home and on the mend. It's so tough seeing others in illness and I am happy to hear your son is watching over him. If he's anything like me, he hates sitting still and always pushes himself too hard while recovering. It's a gorgeous day today and I am sure that the kids in your classroom are just itching to get outside at the end of this school year and enjoy the sunlight. When I was a kid, the sunlight on my face with my eyes closed while the breeze kissed my eyelashes was the best feeling in the world. It was the only time I really felt free. Hoping you have a wonderful Memorial Day weekend and enjoy your holiday off. Summer is almost here. Almost. Lesley, I don't find it hard to talk about Nathan to others lately. I want people to know him like I knew him, his music, his laughter, his giving heart. So I share whenever possible, and I've never really cared what other people think so they can judge and they can speculate but I'll only give them light because that is what he was to me. A light. I do find it hard to talk about the two others, because those are so much more complicated. With what I am going through now with my lady bits, it has to be explained for health reasons but since I am going through therapy and have begun to work on my past wounds and traumas to help me heal and move on after Nathan's death, it feels more painful because I am still dealing with resolving those issues. Plus they have me on those damned hormones and I am a lunatic now. A total roller coaster. It's no good at all. Thank you for your kind words and thoughts. Margo
  12. My heart just cried when I heard about all the children who were lost in the terrorist attack in Manchester. I was hysterical with tears because I know what they will have to go through. The sudden traumatic loss, the unanswered questions, the lack of justice. it's suck a long and painful journey and I hate to think of others having to try to navigate it. It's so difficult and I can't even turn on the news now. It made me want to hide away again and not engage with anyone. I'm a lunatic the last few days, as I'm on high doses of hormones that my body isn't used to and it's so disconcerting. I ended up going to the ER and getting some IV fluids and a blood transfusion when they realized how much blood I had lost. I am seeing a specialist now, and the high doses of hormones have slowed but not stopped things. The plan is to take the whole mess out, which comes with it's own set of loss but I am looking forward to at the same time. These issues have gone on for me for the better part of three years and I'm tired of being in pain and having to carry so many extra pads and changes of clothes around in my bag. I'm really just exhausted, but at least now we have a plan. We have to wait for a few biopsies to come back, and for them to test my BRCA1 & 2 gene mutations. If those are fine, they only take some out but if they come out positive, it's the whole shebang. I just want it all over with but am trying to be patient. It's hard to be patient when your body is pumped full of estrogen though... blargh. My heart cries for Lorri. That's my worst fear right now is losing my other child. It's the leading cause of my anxiety and I grapple so often with being protective and allowing him to live his life as normally as possible. My thoughts go out to her even though we've never met. This is such a hard day for her, I will keep sending positive thoughts. Through all this nonsense with my health, they keep asking me how many pregnancies I've had and how many living children. It's like ripping off a bandage over and over for me. It was always hard since I have had 4 pregnancies two of which were late stage stillbirths and only two live births. Now that I only have one living child, it makes it so heavy to answer that question. Some times I have to explain it and that just makes it so I relive each one and it leaves me rattled for days.
  13. Tommy's Mum, I'm alright, thank you for asking after me. I've been here and reading but just don't have the energy to post. I'm having female issues, and have been stuck in a cycle now for 34 days, and they have tried several different hormones to get it to stop. I'm having an ultrasound tomorrow but my iron count is super low and I'm in a lot of pain and discomfort. I wish they'd just take the whole thing out of me... it's certainly not going to do me any good at 45 years old. It's done this 7 times in the last two years but this time it's the worst I've seen. Saw a new doctor on Monday, but he was a misogynistic jerk who leered at me from over the tops of his glasses when I was describing my symptoms and pain in the most condescending way. Like it's all in my head. What he doesn't know is that I have an extremely high threshold for pain and I don't come to the doctor unless there is something really wrong. 4 years ago my appendix ruptured and filled my gut with 2.5 liters of fluid, I didn't go to the doctor until almost 2 days later when I couldn't pick my head up off the pillow anymore. So physical pain is something I can tolerate a lot of. This is different though. I know something is wrong but I can't get anyone to listen. Mother's Day was particularly hard on me. A lot of weepy moments. My husband was very kind, making me breakfast and dinner and was just generally very aware and sweet. It was hard for him too. I don't expect Father's Day to be much easier. While my husband wasn't my son's bio dad, he was there from the time Nathan was 3, so he was the only father Nathan ever knew and was so good to Nathan. He's a good man, and it will hit him hard. I didn't go out to brunch with my Mom, as I wasn't up for her drama routine. I told her I wasn't up for company but they came out anyway for a visit. So I sat in my garden pulling weeds while talking to them so I could wear my sunglasses and they wouldn't see the tears. Mom could never respect boundries. Dee, Strep Throat sucks... Popsicles and Jello. And lots of warm fluid. Chicken Bone Broth if you can find it and aren't vegan.
  14. What a beautiful boy, I'm so sorry for you and your family. I'm just like you Kelly, I'm not an angry person at all usually but now I am full of rage. And as righteous as the rage is, because part of our future was cut from us, it still is hard to understand and be comfortable with that kind of anger. And it hits me at inopportune times too and like you, I hope it gets better after the trial is over and there is justice. But I have also come to understand that it may never come and I'll have to learn to navigate that map when I come to it. I do try not to take my anger out on others or on myself. It's so easy to blame ourselves for not being there or protecting them but you can't be there in each moment, in each day. You did the best you could for Jordan, and some times these things are just out of our hands. The guilt for me was so hard too, still is some days. You will never "get over it" as people have asked you to. They have no right to say that and no understanding what you are going through. This is a tremendous thing, a gigantic piece missing from your narrative and there is no time for you to just turn the page. Sudden and violent tragedy happened and you had no time to prepare, you will need time for adjustments and you will need forgiveness for yourself. There are no manuals to help you through, but you can learn to lean on the people around you for help even when they don't understand your grief. Even if it's just for help doing the dishes, or taking you to the store for groceries because you are crying too much to drive yourself. It's okay to burst out in tears too, because you can't control it and it will hit you at various times. It still happens to me a lot these days. Give yourself time and kindness. You will never get over it, and you will have to learn to draw new maps and write new stories while remembering the old. I wish you peace and love, Kelly. ~Margo
  15. Kelly, I am so sorry for your loss. My son was stabbed to death just three weeks shy of his 21st birthday nine months ago, so my heart goes out to you. I am so sorry it's taking them so long to release the body, it's always difficult when there is a pending investigation. You are right that it's a living nightmare, and all sorts of things go through your head. It took me months to even want to leave the house, and it's been really difficult with his brother as well. There will be a lot of sorrow, and a lot of anger, and it's okay to feel that way. You will have to make sure you take care of yourself as Rainie suggested, drink lots of water and make sure you eat even when you don't want to. I had to set a timer on my phone to remind myself to eat as I had no appetite. I am so sorry that you are going through this, it's so similar to my own situation and it's so hard. Know that we are here to listen to you and will respond when we can. This is my Nathaniel;