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  1. fzald i just wanted to add to what herc basically said. exercise, i go for walks in areas i haven't been to, daily or every other day at least, and i've been eating well enough. i try to get enough sleep. i find it helps at least a little bit. over the long term i hope it helps more. i hope you can find some comfort some day in life, i am so sorry for your pain.
  2. Yep... that's why the desire to keep trying is hard for me. For once, I was somewhat motivated prior to her death (to change my life and be better), now that's all gone. Who knows how things will work out. I'm not completely hopeless, but I don't feel that desire.
  3. interesting you say that, i don't feel that control to begin with. so death happens and life is once again telling me 'i am the master.' nothing new there. yet the pain is all the same. but there's a lot more out there than we could even comprehend. it would be nice to know what some of that is,
  4. your daughter sounds right. the universe does not seem to care.
  5. fzald I don't even remember. I should probably write down what happens when I wake up immediately. But I'm usually too saddened (or angry) by everything going on that I try to go back to sleep so I can function the next day. Even so I wake up a lot and my heart is pounding. Hm, I don't know if my dreams try to help me avoid my pain (sometimes they do) because as I've mentioned they can be super weird or violent. I don't even know why. The feeling that life 'sucks' is always in my mind whether I am awake or asleep. So it depends.. my dreams can be all over the place. I don't know about the other side and that's what scares me. Death, the unknown has always scared me though. Aside from fear, it's the main thing I've obsessed over.
  6. fzlad, sometimes I'd rather not have such bittersweet dreams. Like my grandmother is lying in a coffin and talking to me. people are carrying her from place to place and it's confusing. It's not as if i don't know what's happening even inside the dream. It's like I know she's dead but she's still talking and it freaks me out. there might be a tiny bit of comfort hearing from her but then i wake up and it's just pain. we packed lots of stuff so I hear some creaks and sounds and I hope it's her but I know it's probably not.
  7. What sucks is that I thought I was recording what happened in my dream because I knew she was gone so I checked my phone when I woke up and nope I didn't obviously.. What I'm afraid of is they are gone forever, lost in the universe. That's what makes me so angry and anxious, when I think about her last moments and seeing her face, I feel like I can't breathe. It's worse than the panic attacks from long ago because I knew what triggered those, and now I can't repair the loss that I still don't understand. That image isn't going to go away.. even if I feel fine one moment (even great) or terrible the next. It doesn't seem to matter what I feel. Deep down I am broken.
  8. I've always had messed up dreams. Sometimes i don't remember much. But one of them involved a group of people I somehow felt familiar with. One girl killed herself and the other did the same and I saw what happened. Other times I see my grandma and she's in the same deteriorated condition before her death. I wish she wasn't. I wish she was free and independent but sadly that isn't the case. Sometimes people see their loved ones in a youthful or healthier form. I don't see that and I continue wondering what happens after death, can't help but feel as though you fade into nothing. Last night she was talking. I don't remember what was going on but she was lying down and communicating and I was asking if she was okay and where she is. I don't know what she said. Some woman saw what was happening and was terrified and felt the need to set her on fire and where she was because she thought it wasn't real or some kind of demon. wtf? I'm kind of used to weird dreams but this is unfair.
  9. Herc again I agree with everything you said. I don't feel guilt (for now anyway). I cried so much that I think it's gone. I was so angry that I had to feel guilty or that anyone else has to go through that experience. I used to be angry somewhat but now I feel very little of anything. I think it's normal to have all those reactions that I had but I still hate them for feeling like they destroyed me. But maybe they didn't destroy me completely ..or maybe I can start over. "But if you feel up to it, try consciously not feeling guilt for a short time" I feel like this is good advice and I've tried it I think, I try not to let the emotions get to me like they've done for very long periods of time. I feel comfortable being alone when I want to cry or something and I let myself do that. But I don't want constant misery, since I spent decades in a sense allowing myself to suffer for no reason, doesn't help anyone, I am done with it all.
  10. Wow Herc, thank you for writing in such great detail. I also agree that option 1 doesn't really seem like an option at least for me. I feel like I can identify with option 3 somewhat. I cried a lot for my grandmother and worried about her for months if not a year, prior to her death. But I also feel like I somewhat accept it despite having a hole in my heart. I've been okay for two days and I'm hoping it's a normal response but I can't be sure. I am trying to focus on what needs to be accomplished, how I can help my mom and not fall apart. It's not too bad right now. I think it's easier to be in state 3 than state 4. I don't know how it's possible to enjoy life (for the most part) knowing that suffering exists. So I don't know if I will ever reach that last option. I am trying to just feel normal though. I already feel like a different person (I find this surprising so I'm wondering if it's temporary or illusory). Like my negativity is sort of gone. Like I have to be better for my sake and for the sake of anyone else. I almost have to forget that I exist. I just have to get things done in order to try to be a better person. When that will happen who knows, but I wish the best for everyone.
  11. Hi, I was wondering if anyone had tips for coping? Anything that they enjoy in particular, hobbies, music, gardening, friends, films, art, whatever helps to grieve and accept death? I used to listen to music but I don't find it the same anymore. I might have to look for new artists, though I still like this mortal coil. I appreciate your responses.
  12. Jessica, I am so sorry to hear of your losses in such a short period of time, it is definitely not your fault that you lost the baby. I hope you realize that one day even if it feels like you are somehow responsible right now. It must be so hard to handle grief like this so I hope you find counseling as reader mentioned. Please post if you can, let us know if you're okay. Talk to us if you wish.
  13. clingy? that makes it worse for everyone. I agree with kayc they should be nicer and more open with you.
  14. fzald, this is so sad to hear and i wish i could do something to help. i know you won't hurt yourself as you stated but we do worry because you sound so tormented, and we just want you to feel better someday. i am sorry
  15. Lej I can see why you would be upset. I'm sorry. Losing your mom is very hard. Thanks for your response Belle, that's definitely possible. Perhaps that ring gives him painful memories. As Reader mentioned, maybe he is trying to move forward. I am not sure what it could be, so maybe you should ask him. Good luck Lej.