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About new133

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  1. It seems like he's still a part of your life, after so many years, so I don't think you'd 'forget' him. I will never forget my gran. I am sorry that they seem so indifferent. I am new to grief so I don't have many suggestions, but I'm just trying to take it slowly. if I were to talk to others I would like for them to understand this kind of pain. People don't normally talk about death, but it's an essential part of life. They don't talk about the suffering that people go through every second... I think that's a bit abnormal given the frequency with which it occurs... Avoidance is a familiar concept to me but I have reached partial acceptance and I no longer fear death. I can't exactly explain how I'm dealing with it, but I somehow am.. to my surprise.. with the hope that her soul might be out there and a part of something greater. I don't know. That's what keeps me going. I've changed because I never believed in souls before. Now that I've seen the one person I loved and cared for (I was a caregiver), everything is completely different. I have never felt this way before, so I'm still absorbing all of this. But I will understand one day, I think.
  2. Probably. Without any hope It's unbearable. I have felt the complete lack of hope, one may as well not live at that point. But I think about how my gran's "presence" or "soul" or whatever must still be out there. It gives me more comfort day by day. I feel like we're all connected in some way. Well I don't necessarily "feel" it all that much, but there are coincidences and moments when I do.
  3. I'm very sorry. I felt that fear too. But now I feel like, I'm never going to forget..
  4. Life is cold and unforgiving. I know that there is good in this world, but nothing compares to the pain of death. I'm starting to think souls might exist, because I feel like an actual part of me is completely gone. Almost as if it was never there. Maybe it left with her. I'm sorry that it's just you and your children now. The pain must be unbearable. It is indeed hard being alone. Loneliness has broken my soul. If I could give you hope I would. I am taking it slow.
  5. I'm sorry Herc.. that thought has crossed my mind was well. it's disturbing. mostly just sad. I'm sorry your daughter is feeling upset too.
  6. Herc I'm sorry you're feeling angry. I was frustrated last night and today but I think I am doing better.. using some distractions too. will be busy for 2 weeks, not sure if that'll make things worse or not. I actually want a punching bag, it would probably help. long walks are fine too I guess.
  7. Time is weird now. Makes little to no sense. I think I was doing ok considering everything but I got nervous last night for some reason. maybe something I ate or tea I drank before sleep. still, it's been a while since I've been nervous. Fear is a really scary feeling. I've lived my life in fear, so when people say 'evil' is just the absence of love and goodness and serenity, I can see why I hated myself for it. Of course I only refer to myself as I can only speak for my experience.. I am not sure how we can go through those 'negative' emotions. especially when they've somehow been so familiar for so long for some..
  8. at this point I look for anything. her name, parts of her name, meaningful numbers like the day she died, anything that resembles her, or even 'weird stuff' like when my phone shut off for the first time and i panicked and everything. I don't believe I would see her image or anything too obvious ... but I think I just want a subtle message at least.. just to know that she is somehow OK.. if there is even another world to go into... I wanted her suffering to stop, but I wanted the goodness she shared with everyone to continue on. I still think she is so valuable, many people admired and loved her.
  9. I feel like the shock is fading. It was all so sudden the day she died. Not too surprising.. but still very shocking. It's like there's nothing I can 'actively' do. I grew up lonely so I turned out introverted, but I do feel I have that sympathy you mention, because I used to be very sensitive and emotional. Now I'm just more numb. I'm so used to life.. so sick of the recurring "events" I have to deal with. As I got older though I would obsess about how everyone is affected and how I still don't understand why suffering exists. I wonder what true "empathy" is like though, because I know there are empathic people out there.. They actually 'experience' other people's emotions... within seconds or minutes.. and I wonder how they do it. I am curious but they say it's overwhelming so I would be scared to experience that.. I don't think I can even handle myself well enough let alone experience all the other emotions emanating from others. Those dreams are frustrating. So many of them, unsure of what she's saying or even doing. Sometimes she speaks, sometimes she doesn't (like before, she couldn't). when I asked her if she wanted to live or die she said live so i'm not sure if that was my guilt or if she will be "reincarnated" or if it's none of the above. It's just confusion. Yet it feels so real. Sometimes I wonder if I've 'projected' because I have had what I thought were lucid dreams where I would be floating in my room and everything looked the same. then I'd 'wake' up. idk..
  10. I am in the early stages. it's been 6 weeks. I somewhat accept that she's gone. But I still want a sign that's clear. There have been a few weird coincidences but nothing that makes me sure that she's "ok".. whatever that means.. I have read stories on here and on the web where people have had some kind of contact. so i still have hope. I don't know what is or isn't meant to be. I have deja vu moments. I have lucid dreams. It's all very fuzzy though... if only I could better remember those. Sometimes there are little predictions or strange 'coincidences.' Sometimes it feels like my whole "life" is planned out because of these... as if I am a conduit.. as if I have no control. Almost as if nothing is even real. I have been reading about astral projection. I knew very little about it until I read so many stories and I realize there is a lot out there I haven't experienced. I still know very little as I have not gone through it, but I now better understand different points of view. At the same time, I am in the dark. It's strange because my grandmother had dementia due to her stroke. It hurt me to see her suffer like this and I was (still am)so angry at how life could do this to so many people. But now it feels like I'm the one who is confused and disoriented. Like I don't know what is or isn't real. It's not mental illness, at least I doubt it, but I just feel like such an empty human being... wandering forever alone. I think she might have felt this way and that is another thing that makes me very angry. Sorry for elaborating but I wonder if you have had these similar feelings.
  11. erik satie. I hear this everywhere.
  12. I think it's possible to listen to music again. chris bell cover I also find that I feel much, much better with exercise. I can't stand to sit in one place for too long. I have to be outside, feeling nature.
  13. Interesting, I don't use facebook, and yeah a social media site can be a poor substitute for grieving so I can see why you would think they are just seeking validation or whatever. I mean, a post or two about how one's loved one has passed away isn't really sufficient when it comes to handling seconds, weeks, and months of excruciating pain. That does not sound very good, I am sorry to hear that was the case. unfortunately it seems like everyone is expected to adjust with the way things are. They are supposed to fall in line in society. Try to be 'productive' and 'forget about the past.' That is just really impractical imo, because if you don't allow yourself to suffer at the initial point, it's going to come out eventually. I mean I have bottled up emotions before, and it really doesn't do anyone any good. It's not beneficial for myself or anyone I come into contact with. It should be considered appropriate in society to grieve at any time because death can really happen at any time, with or without warning.. I guess it depends on where you live and who you interact with.. the fact that some people want to cover it up and avoid the issue is kind of confusing to me... like death isn't going to stop happening just because one is feeling 'uncomfortable' with the idea. I get that some people are truly disturbed by the idea (that's how I used to be) but ever since my gran's death, I don't fear it. In fact I welcome death. Having to see another person suffer (and then just disappear as if it was all for nothing) is the worst thing I've ever experienced, to the point where it feels like an essential piece of me is gone and it doesn't matter what happens to the rest of me. I am sorry that you feel like no one was there for you to help you when your dad died. I didn't really seek much help and I did see my mom suffer in her own way. But I have allowed myself to grieve in the sense that I have cried, I have thought about death, I have posted on this forum, I have told my one friend about everything, and I have tried to reach out. Still, I think it will take a long time to finally become the new person that I have to be because I really can't be the same old "person" that I was... there just isn't any choice in the matter. But getting over it, that's not something I see happening, I just think we have to slowly adjust to a new reality at some point, whenever that may be.. I'm sorry that you feel like your extended family doesn't really care. Yeah, it seems like they do have their 'own' lives and maybe they're just really distracted or don't know how to reach out. But those are simply maybes and you know better than I do. As you've stated you've tried to help other people... you have done your part.. I suppose you could continue doing what you have done but I don't blame you if you just feel exhausted and don't wish to continue. I have considered joining a group but I've been kind of busy. I've been helping my mom and doing some work, just keeping myself occupied that there doesn't seem to be time to go anywhere. I do go for long walks. and i Have been hoping for some kind of sign from her. nothing significant (i'm not even spiritual) but somehow this is the only thing I have to hold onto.
  14. Wow, it seems to me that you have already tried A LOT to care about people. It also sounds like you have some people who DO care. But you feel you are not worth anyone's time. Can you elaborate on this part? You said you've tried antidepressants, read books, etc. You still feel stuck.. maybe talking about your issues with people you can TRUST (not the therapists, and this would be the hard part I suppose) would be somewhat helpful. Perhaps you can only begin by posting on websites like this one. I'm not sure if you can join groups in your area with regard to grief and abandonment? IT is hard finding people you can trust though, isn't it? Can you describe any more experiences? I am sorry about your mother. I feel similar. My mom isn't that "emotionally" warm. Few hugs or kisses. But she can be supportive. I don't know my dad either, I am sorry you lost the one person you felt close to. I feel that I am still a sensitive person (with a hardness that has developed over the years), but I do understand that trusting is very difficult. Even opening up to begin with is a challenge.