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About fzald

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  1. Sometimes I still stop on the sidewalk outside of work and look down the street, thinking she'll be coming up the road towards the office like she always used to. Sometimes I stop out in the hall by the restroom, because sometimes we would walk together and we'd wait for the other. I stand there waiting, thinking she's coming out in a moment. Of course she isn't. Sometimes I sit at the snack bar and wait for her to join me. Sometimes I stop at the snack bar on my way into work and grab her favorite drink from the cooler. And then I remember she's not here anymore. And then I cry in front of the cashier. She likes me and liked her a lot so she's pretty understanding, but it's still just so painful. I go by her house and think she's in there. There's so many things in the world that are "the same" as if she were just gone temporarily. Like she was gone for the week when she passed out. I didn't expect to see her that week because I knew where she was. But she never came back. I still feel sometimes like she is, even though I know she's not. It's horrible. It hurts all over again every single time. It's just unfair.
  2. They say it evolves. I don't know, but for me it's evolving for the worse. At first, my pain was very acute. Painful. Stabs of agony. Sometimes a short period of calm, like after the funeral on the way home. But still intense, agonizing pain. Now the intensity is a bit less, but the chronic nature is unrelenting. Everything I do has a dark cloud over it. I have nothing to look forward to. No happiness. Nothing left in life. People at work talk about future projects and plans. I can't get into it. My heart's not in it at all. I am just doing what I have to do today. Thinking about a project that will go on for "weeks" or "months" is impossible for me. Something that's going to happen "tomorrow" is even hard. If it's not happening right now, it doesn't matter to me. Even if it is happening right now, I'm not with it totally. I am masking my pain with work. I already can tell this is where I'm heading, and I know that's bad, but what choice do I have? "It's what you do with the time that makes the difference." What else can I do? What else can I possibly do to make anything any better? When she was alive but away, the knowledge of her return was what I needed. It's what gave me the strength to continue. But now I have to face the "forever". Never again. No matter what, she will never again walk the Earth. Never again laugh her cute laugh. Never again light up a room as she enters. Never again give me her absolutely insightful advice on things. Never again hug me, kiss me, make love to me. Never again fill my life with everything any man could ever ask for. If the evolution of grief is going to keep going downward like it is right now, I don't know I'll be able to handle it.
  3. Chasisdope, You reminded me of something my girlfriend said early on in our relationship. She asked me once, "How will I ever live without you? I love you!" There was another time, a year or so later, that she was under tremendous stress from school, family, friends, everything basically. She cried on my shoulder, hot and heavy, and said to me "I can't lose you. I just can't. You're all I have keeping me going. Don't leave me." I know how you feel. I am living out her fear. She had a fear of me being gone from her life. But she is the one who left my life, even though she didn't intend to. I am the one living out her worst fear. I feel the same. I feel like I have lived my life now. I don't have anything else to give. I had the best love I could ever want, and now it's gone forever. There's nothing I could ever do that would live up or even come close to what I had. Once you've had the best, what's the point? It's kind of like rich people becoming depressed. Once you live on top of the world, how do you ever feel anything again?
  4. The last time I hugged and kissed my love was 60 days ago. 60 days. Sounds like an eternity, and at the same time it still feels like yesterday that I saw her last. I can still picture her, imagine her walking down the hall at work, I can stil picture her in my house, I can picture her walking around outside at our office and the places nearby. I pass by her house and still imagine she's in there. Simple common phrases like "the rest of my life" have taken on a strange meaning for me. The rest of my life... could be 50 years, or it could be 10 minutes. "Tomorrow" may not happen. "Next week" is an eternity away. People at work ask if I can meet with them "in April." I feel strange answering "Yes I can". My girl said the same thing to people, the week before she left she told people she would meet with them on January 30th. January 30th was two days after she passed away. That was the day we suspended most work in our department and had a celebration/memorial for her. But it was so wrong. Even in the midst of all of that I expected her to walk in and say "I'm here for the meeting." That was only a week after I'd seen her last, and now we're over 8 weeks since then, but I still don't feel like much time has passed. I feel absolutely miserable again. It's when I'm at home, alone, with nothing to keep me occupied, that I remember so many things about her. I find things that remind me of her as I idly touch things on my bookshelves or tables. It's still impossible to believe she is gone forever. She intended to come back and see me. She intended to keep living. It's still so wrong. So out of place. So empty.
  5. I lived the "Dream" of working side by side with my girlfriend. She was so excited about the new projects coming up at work. I have now been assigned to all the projects she wanted to be part of. It is so bittersweet, I'm doing everything she wanted to do, but like you said Solomon'sGirl, one thing is missing. I try to do things "in her honor", but it's still so raw and so sad. There's such an absence here. She should be here. She should be doing all the things she wanted.
  6. You speak to me so much with these words Francine. I remember who I was a few months ago, when my lovely soulmate still walked the earth. I remember my always energetic, joyful, happy disposition. I remember being described in the same way she is remembered: someone who could light up a room just by being there. I remember feeling complete bliss and happiness just because I was alive. I remember waking up every day excited, ready to face the world head on, with my love by my side. The day she died, I changed forever. I don't know if I will ever be able to be that same happy, charming, joyful person I used to be. If I ever do become that again, it will be a long time from now. People will move on. Friends will drift away. People will come and go from work. By the time I have even a chance of having any of "me" back, my world will be different already. There was one constant in my life, that made all of the change bearable. A compass, a GPS, whatever. That was her. No matter who came or went in and out of my life, as long as she was there, I maintained my happiness. I cling to things now that I know will change. Some people at our work are leaving for "better" jobs in a few months. They're already working on finishing up their projects. This office will be different next year. Some of the people I have come to feel some comfort being around simply because it's "Normal" will be leaving. There is more ahead. More loss, more change. But when she was here, change was something to weather together. Without her, change is something I dread. Without her, I am stuck. I feel perpetually stuck in time while the rest of the world tries to pull me forward. It's like a cartoon, someone being stretched to string-thin because they're glued to something, and suddenly SNAP! But for me, that snap will be the smashing reality that NOTHING, not just her but the rest of my entire life, has changed too. We are different now. People need to accept that. Some people can't, or don't want to. It's almost like having to grieve for multiple losses. I grieve for her loss. I grieve also for the loss of the self I was, the me I loved being. My friends and family miss the "old" me too. But I'm not the old me anymore. I will never be that me again. Joy may return eventually, but it will be different. It won't be the same. I know that's hard for people, it's like I said, grieving her loss but also the loss of who I used to be. But it is what it is. Just like nobody can bring her back from the dead, nobody can bring the old me back from the past either. It's sad. It hurts. But it is what it is.
  7. All of our lost loves would want us to go on, to live life. But like you said KayC, it's true that none of them had to directly experience what we are experiencing right now. My girlfriend's family situation was pretty rough. I won't go into a ton of detail right here, but suffice it to say that there was a lot of conflict in her life. Me being in her life was a good counter-balance to that, but she said herself that there were times that she felt like she didn't matter in the world. When we first met, she showed me her happy, upbeat, cheerful side, but she would later admit that at the time it was more of a mask, to hide the pain she felt within. Even with me in her life, though, people often would do things to her that were hugely insensitive. She would come to me in tears at times, asking things like "Do I even matter in this world? Would anyone miss me if I died?" I always told her that a lot of people would miss her, and I would be one of them. I told her that I would miss her more than anything if she died. I would remind her how much I loved her and how much she meant to me. Today, her words come back to me and haunt me. "Would anyone miss me if I died?" I miss her terribly. I miss her more than anyone I've ever missed. I weep now, thinking of how even with me in her life she was still sometimes tormented and felt so worthless. I wish I could have done something, ANYTHING to show her when she was here just how much she truly meant. If she can see me now, though, I hope she will realize just how painful this is, and that the reason for my pain is BECAUSE of how much she meant to me. The world is a darker, gloomier, sadder place without her. Many others may not feel it, but I feel it every second of every day. Every moment is a reminder that she is gone forever. Every second is a reason to mourn, to miss her, to wish she could still be here.
  8. ATALL25, There are no words that will take your pain away. Your loss is so tragic, to have to have been the one to find her, that had to be so traumatic for you. First of all, please don't blame yourself for this. She may have had an alcohol problem, she may have just gone a bit too far this time. We don't know, and the toxicology report may help bring some answers, but the harsh, sad, painful truth is that she was taken from you far too soon. 30 is such a young age to die. My girlfriend died, she was only 22, and hers was from an undetected brain aneurysm which burst suddenly when she was on a trip with family. Like you, we had plans for the following week, she was excited to come back and see me again. We talked the morning of January 23rd, and only a couple hours after we spoke she passed out, went into a coma and never woke up. She died on the 28th. We do the best we can do with what we have at the time we have it. My girlfriend also showed some signs of slowing down, she had frequent headaches, vomited, and seemed to be generally not feeling well. I never encouraged her to go to the hospital, instead I just would tell her to go rest and call me later. Even if I had, though, the odds that the doctors would have checked her brain for aneurysms is pretty low, because that tends to be quite rare in young people to begin with. There are things she said that in hindsight should have been clear signs that something is wrong, but I believed she was young and invincible and even if she got sick, I did not believe she would die. She was a headstrong fighter and I believed her attitude and will to live would save her from anything, especially at her age. Nature has a way of showing us its indifference, the harsh truth that anyone can die at any time for any reason, regardless of age, health or quality of life. We here on this forum are changed forever, we have been forced to face the truth about death far too early. We can no longer live oblivious to the true pain of death, we can no longer exist with an "ignorance is bliss" attitude. We know the pain and hurt and empty feelings that a lost future brings. The only thing you can, and must, do right now is take care of yourself. Try to eat something. Drink fluids. Rest when you need to rest. Exercise lightly if you can. Don't try to "keep busy" and distract yourself too much. Let yourself feel the pain. The memories of good times will come, and they will hurt terribly. For a time everything will remind you of her, and so many things will be a symbol of the future you lost. You can only let these feelings happen, accept them for what they are, a sign of how deeply you loved her and how much you miss her. The stronger our pain, the more a sign of the love we shared it is. If we didn't love our lost ones, it would be easy to put the emotions aside. How much do we cry when the news reports on a tragic death of someone we didn't know? How much pain do we experience when we read an article about someone we don't know dying tragically at a young age? Not very much. The difference is that in our cases, the deaths were people we loved, cared about, felt very deeply for. That's why it hurts so much. Love and heartache are not opposites. They are the same emotion, just the positive and negative sides of it. Two sides of the same coin. There is nothing any one of us can do to bring back the ones we've lost, even though that will be our only true wish for the rest of our lives. All we can do now is try, ever so slowly, ever so painfully, to find a little purpose left in this empty, cold, meaningless world. Anger is normal. Depression is normal. Frustration is normal. Empty feelings, crying, are all normal. Fantasizing and wishing it wasn't true is normal. It's the only way we can work through the horrible tragedy we're faced with. Losing a loved one to death is quite possibly the most difficult emotional experience any human can have. Good luck and keep posting. We're here for you.
  9. I feel like I'm beginning to move in to a new phase. Not better, just new. Lately, I find myself thinking directly of her less. She is always a thought away, but if I am just sitting and thinking, I am not thinking of just her and nothing else. But that doesn't mean I'm not sad. The sadness is ever-present. It's a dark cloud. It never goes away. Regardless of whether I'm actively thinking about her, it doesn't matter. I could be thinking about things that had nothing to do with her whatsoever, and I still am sad. It's almost like some kind of emotion disassociation, everything is sad now, even if it shouldn't be. If I deliberately think about her, the sadness doesn't seem to change much, but I become more aware of it. I FEEL it more immensely. When I'm not thinking of her, it's still there, affecting my actions and my mood. An empty feeling is another way to say it. We've used that word a lot around here, but that's what it is. An empty feeling, that something is missing. And I sometimes still have that feeling of waiting. For what? I don't know. For her to come back? Obviously I know that's impossible, but when I walk around the office and go about my day, I still feel something is wrong because she's not here, and that "it will resolve itself" by her coming back. For me to be happy? I don't know when or even if that will truly happen.
  10. The weather has been beautiful here too. When I left work today i walked past the benches outside where we would often sit on nice days just to talk. More sadness.... Practically, I know i can go on. Emotionally, I can't. I wish I could think of her and our happy times and remember them as happy. It's not that I don't remember our happy times, but they make me so sad now. The good times we shared are not a comfort yet. They are a reminder of what I have lost.
  11. I was just walking down the hall at work to the restroom and for about 15-20 seconds I swear I smelled her scent wafting around me. It may have been my imagination, but maybe not. It's comforting to think it might have been her presence, showing herself to me in some way, but I still have such a skeptical mind lately about this stuff, thinking that I'm just imagining stuff and that she's gone forever. I don't know why. I guess I just can't accept the reality of her being gone from the physical world, and don't want to be teased...
  12. I lost my 20 year old cat back in 2013. It was sad. I still miss her. But my grieving was very manageable. In that situation I did look at pictures, remember when I adopted her, etc. It's nothing at all like losing a soulmate. Of course pets mean a lot to us. But it's not even a remote comparison to how much another human being who we share our entire lives with means to us. (That was also kind of insensitive, to point out that his bird came back...That means the bird wasn't dead, so already it wasn't the same, and honestly, wouldn't ANY ONE of us here give ANYTHING to have our soulmate back??? That's like rubbing it in your face!) I have that problem whenever I hear about people who barely survived really tough medical emergencies. I want to be happy for the people involved, but I just ask myself "WHY couldn't my girl survive her medical condition? WHY did this other person get another chance when she didn't? Doesn't God, or whoever, realize what both of us would have done with a second chance???" But yes, people try to comfort us and often do things that make no sense. Mrsviden, you have experienced some horribly insensitive behavior, and I ache for you for that. Nobody should have to deal with selfish, narcissistic, insensitive people in the midst of immense painful grief. It's a time for people to come together, not for people to fight and drift apart. If there is any time to bury the hatchet, it should be when people are grieving and hurting. I wish my girlfriend's family would talk to me, would let me share in the memories and grief with them. It would help a lot to have that connection. But I can't force them to talk to me if they don't want to, that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt terribly though.
  13. Eight weeks ago today, at 8:18 AM, my girlfriend left me an audio message. It said "Hey, remember to ask if we're going to be on the new project. Talk to you later!" It is the last message I will ever receive from her. Details have slowly trickled in, but it sounds like she left me that message while she was eating breakfast. Only a couple hours later, she would pass out, never to awaken again. People who were with her said that her last actual words were "I feel dizzy." I still can't believe it. I still can't fully take it in. A life can end so quickly with no warning. In some ways, she got a gift. The gift of not knowing it's coming, of being able to live until the very end without having to think about her own death, worry about it, deal with putting things in order. She lived until her last moment, without even an inkling of a hint that her last moment was coming. I have always said I wish for a quick, painless death in which I don't know it's coming. I used to think of the people in 9/11, who had a few moments to call their loved ones to say goodbye. Or those people who are in a hostage situation and have some period of time where they know their life could end at any second. The awareness of death. That's what I wanted to avoid. My girl did get to avoid it, of course she knew she would die someday but she avoided knowing when and how. I still don't know when or how, but I know now the finality, the harsh reality, the absolute indifference of the universe when it comes to death. People live and then they die. When people die, that's it. Some of us are lucky enough to not know the end is coming. Others have the horror of knowing for minutes, hours, months, even years that their end is coming. But it's coming for all of us someday. I know the effects that death will leave on the rest of the world. A sudden death is a gift to the one who dies, but it's an immeasurably worse agony for the survivors. No time to prepare. No time to say goodbye. No time to put affairs in order. No time to ask those final questions. For those of us who suffered a sudden death, we're left holding the bag, unanswered questions and unfulfilled dreams, futility and emptiness. The meaning of life is to love and be loved. It's to share the world with people we love. It's to meet that one soulmate, that person who fills your heart with joy and happiness, who when you're with nothing can bring you down, and who even when you argue and disagree, you find your way back together because your love is transcendent, it's a stronger force than any anger or disagreement, it's a stronger force than any stress, frustration or hatred. That's the meaning of life. I found that meaning in her. I loved her with all of me. Sometimes I wasn't as loving as I could be, but I know I'm not perfect. I gave her what I could whenever I could. I had committed to a long happy life with her, and her presence in my life made my life so much more meaningful and worth living. Now, her absence drains me empty. It leaves me wishing and yearning for something that can never be. I still doubt my beliefs now, in the afterlife, and worry that the only way my girl is going to "exist" anymore is through my memories, through those things that once I pass on, will be gone as well. Futility, most of us are insignificant in the grand scheme, no matter how much meaning we seek, most of us will not be remembered long after our deaths. Some people are lucky to be remembered almost forever, famous ancient figures, famous musicians, people from throughout history who we still recognize and remember today, but many of us will slip out of existence quietly, with a paragraph or two in the newspaper to remember us by, and eventually those will be gone too. Today is a down day. Working, but barely working. Everything I do, every task I accomplish is a reminder of how much I wish I could share with her and how much I will never be able to again. A constant reminder of her absence. I miss being happy, being upbeat and funny, but she took those parts of me with her. I am only a shell now, a biological creature who exists to eat and breathe, but not to have a higher purpose like I used to. She was my higher purpose. She was the fuel for my fire. Most of me has died along with her. I miss her more than I've ever missed anyone or anything. I have no idea how to get through the next hour. Or even the next minute.
  14. Someone today told me "Be glad you have the gift of still being alive to experience the world your girl won't get to." I don't know how that's supposed to make me feel any better??? I want and always wanted nothing more than to SHARE the world with her. The "experiencing the world" thing is of absolutely no appeal to me right now. I honestly couldn't care less. Without her, what's the point of anything? Am I actually supposed to, right now, start living it up and enjoying every part of the world that she doesn't get to? I'm not a selfish person by nature and I want to SHARE the world and its experiences, and she is the one I wanted most to share it with. I won't be able to find happiness in selfishly experiencing everything she can't...
  15. I did some work on a project tonight. Mostly to try to at least temporarily distract myself from this pain. I feel pain 24/7, I feel like a little respite shouldn't Be much to ask..... I got a few things done. Stuff that was actually fun and accomplished. And as soon as I was done, I crashed deeper all over again. I just wished I could tell her about it, show her what I accomplished, share in the tiny little everyday successes. I have to work tomorrow. Right now I feel semi OK. But I know the morning will again bring pain and suffering. Going to sleep is a treat but it comes with a price. I wish I could just wake up without feeling so down and depressed. It's so painful to wake every day and not want to face the day. I can't even force myself out of bed some days and end up calling in or one time I just didn't show up. It's horrible. why is it so much to ask, to just be a little level for a while without crashing and paying dearly for any respite?