HHFaith

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Everything posted by HHFaith

  1. Yes Andy. So good to hear from you. I also have not been here for a bit. Busy with the new job. My daughter is visiting and will be heading back to LA tomorrow. Missing her already! Lots going on in my life. Made first trip to cemetery with my daughter a week ago. Was a thousand times worse than I expected. I'll read and write more later when I have the time and when I'm back to being home alone again. Hope you're all doing ok.
  2. KMB, KayC and Autocharge, thank you. Yes it's another hill on the roller coaster. Yesterday I found myself happy, dare I say, one minute. And crying uncontrollably the next. My daughter was worried. Wanted to get me some antidepressants! I tried to explain it was happy tears. But it was really tears of a tornado of mixed emotions. Just when you think you have your emotions somewhat in check...Bam!!
  3. It's been a little while since I've posted here so I have a lot of reading to catch up on. I miss my "grief train" friends! Biut I have been much busier now that I'm finally back to work, which is going very well. Tough to get back to the daily grind but it does feel pretty good getting back to a somewhat "normal" schedule and feeling like I'm part of the world again. Also my daughter is home from college for a few weeks and I am so happy to see her! Now the big news that I feel awkward about sharing. Just for something to do, about a month or so ago I found myself signing up on an on line dating site. It was entertaining if nothing else. I did actually go on a couple dates but I felt so indifferent about the whole thing and I'm sure my indifference showed through. But I did end up communicating with someone and I found myself actually "liking" him. Whatever that means. We have been on 2 dates and I'm certainly not feeling indifferent with him. There's definitely something there. So easy to talk to and very comfortable together. Such mixed emotions. So sad that it's not Pat that I'm going in a date with. But it's also nice, and very surprising, that I can feel this way about another person. Taking it one step at a time.
  4. Now that's a sign .....love it!
  5. No not wrong at all for feeling like that. I also hate seeeing people holding hands. Always makes me sad and want to cry. That should be me and Pat! I am now going through this thing where I want to say to those people "don't get too used to being happy. One of you will die!" How awful is that?!
  6. Well the fireworks just started. I can hear them loud and clear. I live on the harbor and my neighbors have a big party on the pier to watch the fireworks, practically right outside my door. I can hear the music and the kids laughing I am in the house, reading the grief forum. I just don't feel like socializing at all. I don't have it in me to put on the happy face and make small talk. A year ago Pat and I were watching the fireworks together. 4th of July will never be the same. Nothing will ever be the same.
  7. Now it's time to move to the front burner! Take good care of yourself Francine. (And I need to take my own advice!!)
  8. This grief journey is nothing but ups and downs. Just when you think you've taken a step forward, something hits you and you feel like you've taken 10 steps backwards. That's completely normal. It's so hard but normal. I still cry every day but sometimes not as hard or not as long. But the pain and sadness are still there. I look forward to the time when there will be more "good" days than bad.
  9. All we can do is get through one day at a time the best we can. And that is exactly what we're doing. We should give ourselves credit for surviving this. And yes, we are all different since losing the love of our life. We will never be the same person we were before. But....I do hope to be a better person someday. I got so much from loving Pat. I can only hope that having had him in my life did make me a better person and once I survive this and "recover" I hope to be an even better person. For myself and for Pat. Francine, I know we didn't know you before but I'm guessing you're turning into an even better person too!
  10. Thinking of you Bradley. I understand that feeling. I am struggling now with the sense that Pat is kind of drifting away from me as time goes on. I feel like I need to work at making a conscious effort to think of him and try to make the connection to him , to his spirit or soul. I know he is a part of me and will be forever. He is in my heart. I know that but I need to work on really feeling that. When I feel it, it does bring some peace. I think it's good that you brought things of hers out. I have lots of pictures and things around. And his gym bag is hanging on the coat closet door. That will stay there forever!
  11. Such a good reminder KMB. And as Andy said, work can be a distraction from the soul searching and healing that we all need so badly. I'm learning that it really is helpful to be still and reflect. I've never been good at that but I want to keep trying. It is good for the soul.
  12. Wow SweetBear, more similarities. Pat had a new life too, a happy life. His ex girlfriend was at the wake and the funeral home was full of pictures of the 2 of them! It had been 6 years since they split up. And she drove to the funeral in the family limo with his siblings. How did I survive that first week? It was all so horrible in so many ways. If her ex does show up, just be strong, be graceful, be above those people. Make Bev proud. I hope Pat was proud of me the way I handled those awful situations.
  13. That's great Andy. How I long for a "happy" feeling again. My daughter finally booked her flight so she'll be coming home for a couple weeks at the end of the month. I can almost say I'm "happy" about it. I think when I finally see her and can give her a big hug I just may feel happy. Last time I hugged her was at the airport 2 days after Pat died. What a tear filled scene that was. This time it will be tears of "joy" !
  14. Of course it's ok. One week out I wasn't even able to read anything, let alone a grief forum. The pain is overwhelming I know. We all know. You are not alone. It is more than ok to express any feelings you have. We do understand because we are all going through the most horrible thing we've ever had thrown at us. I, and many of us also understand the shock. My Pat died suddenly too. I'm praying for strength for you to get through this, minute by minute, one day at a time.
  15. Signs are there. I wasn't much of a believer in signs but I have had a couple of doozies! There just has to be something that we cannot possibly comprehend. Some things just can not be explained away as coincidences.
  16. I agree. Keep wearing the ring. It is special.
  17. Someone once told me that instead of asking the question, why do bad things happen to good people, ask the question, what happens to good people when bad things happen?? Or something like that. It changed my perspective. I know some very very good people who have had so many horrible things happen in their lives. They are amazing, to see how they survive and go on living good lives. Of course it isn't easy for them but those "good" people learn from their tragedies. As I'm going through my tragedy now, those people are an example to me. As for the gratitude...it's very strange but almost from the very beginning, I had this underlying sense of gratitude that Pat was brought into my life at the perfect time. And I was brought into his at the perfect time. We brought each other so much happiness. I truly feel the gratitude. I have a bracelet that says "gratitude" that I wear every day. Each time I put it on I say outloud how grateful I am for having had Pat in my life. And I mean it! If you don't feel that now, I hope you will in the not too distant future. Again it puts things into perspective just a little more.
  18. Ok all you "devil cat" lovers (Autocharge, KayC). Mine did it again. Bit my arm again tonight. Drew blood, even through a thick robe. I'm hoping I don't have to go to the doctors again for another cat bite! At least I got the tetanus shot last time. Like I just said in another post, we are in hell. When he bit me I just burst out crying and haven't stopped!!
  19. Going through this grief is pure hell. How do we possibly survive hell?? I hate to admit it but for the first time I'm actually a little bit jealous that Pat died. He's supposedly in a place of pure peace, joy and serenity, with no pain. And I'm left here in this hell with no joy and more pain than I could have imagined. It just gets more confusing as time goes on. Yes I'm having another bad night!!!
  20. What a nice idea. I think I may have thrown away the key in anger. But for Christmas I had an artist do a portrait of his house. We had just hung it up a couple days before he died. I made sure I took that. It's hanging in my house now. He had recently bought the house. He literally just made his first mortgage payment. I have never seen anyone so happy with a house. I guess it's fitting that he died there. He was also 58 like you and Bev. Too young to die. And too young to be left behind. Things are hitting me so hard this week. I've been doing everything "right" for 6 months now but I don't know if I have the strength to go on like this forever. It's just so damn hard.
  21. Yes. That's normal. I think we've all felt that way. I did and still do sometimes. It's the shock of it all. He was real. The love was real and still is and will always be. Remember that.
  22. Wow I can relate. Pats dysfunctional siblings came in and took right over. I was just "the girlfriend" so I didn't matter to them. They did not know me or our relationship because he kept them at arms length because of their craziness. I also got very disturbing nasty text messages in the couple weeks that followed his death. Mainly asking where things were. Like his laptop, a ring, etc. as I was told "they are part of his estate". Did they think I stole them?! And they swooped right into his house and took right over. And his car was gone the very next morning after he died. Then the TVs were gone. They had never even been to his house before he died. And they ended up changing the locks!!! I was the only other person to have a key. Talk about feeling locked out, literally and figuratively! And I was not involved with any wake or funeral planning. I wonder what Pat was thinking watching that craziness. He would not have wanted it to be that way. Luckily I am done dealing with them. They made a horrible situation even worse.
  23. I am also thinking of you all on your birthdays and anniversaries. They are so difficult. But I like KMBs suggestion of doing even one little thing like getting an ice cream cone. It might just bring one moment of....I can't think of an appropriate word! Well I think you all know what I'm trying to say. Maybe just a moment of distraction from the grief. If we start with the little things, hopefully we can slowly work our way back to some "happiness".
  24. I get that. I have been on a trip alone since he died but it was to see my daughter so I had something to look forward to. But yes, lots of triggers. I kept finding myself saying "the last time I did this I was with Pat." Like the last time I went on a plane. The last time I rented a car. Etc etc. we had just been on a vacation together 2 months before he died. And we were already planning our next one. But looking back I'm glad I got through it and went on the trip to see my daughter. Next time I go on a trip, and I hope to again some day, the triggers won't be as strong (at least I hope not!). KMB take that trip when you're ready.
  25. Francine, I do want to wish you a "happy" birthday for tomorrow. What a concept...a happy birthday. My birthday is September and Pats is October so I have not experienced those milestones alone yet. I don't look forward to either of those days at all. I truly hope we can all have a Happy Birthday again. Maybe not tomorrow but someday. I hope you can find some joy in the day, your day. And of course your Charles will be right there with you!!