HHFaith

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Everything posted by HHFaith

  1. OMG yes be careful! Over the past several months my cat has bit my arms 3 different times. I ended up on mega antibiotics each time and the last time was the added bonus of a tetanus shot! He's really my daughters cat but she's away at college. I think that's why...he's mad that she's not here and he's stuck with me!!
  2. I too was questioning things, especially why Pat and I were only given such a short time together. Someone very wise reminded me the other day of this...More will be revealed. I believe there is/was a reason for this tragedy in my life though right now I have no idea what it is. Someday more will be revealed, when god is ready to show me, and I hope some of it will make some sense.
  3. JenC, I sometimes feel the same way. I know both situations are just horrible in their own way but Pat died suddenly and I also wish I had even just a little time to tell him everything I felt. Yes he knew I loved him but I wish I could have told him just how much he meant to me, just one last time. Now I tell him every day, several times a day, that I love him. Why didn't I tell him that much when he was alive? I don't know.
  4. I think we are all crazy.....crazy in love! That's why our emotions are so deep, strong, overwhelming, and crazy. Just the way our love was (and still is and will always be).
  5. KayC, that's it for me. It's all about trusting something bigger than all of us. None of this makes any sense for any of us but I do believe it all happened the way it was supposed to. When I go through all the scenarios of what could have happened surrounding Pats death, I find some peace in believing that all of it happened just the way it was supposed to. There were so many other scenarios that I play out in my mind that could have made the situation so much more tragic. Strangely enough I am grateful for the way it all played out. I don't like the end result one bit but it helps me with the acceptance. Some days I think I have accepted his death but other times I still can't believe he's really gone, forever. The roller coaster continues.
  6. Just beautiful Andy. That love sustains me.
  7. Lena, I am so sorry. I understand as I lost my Pat suddenly on New Years and we were also together for only a short time. But the amount of time we knew each other didn't matter. He was truly the love of my life. The worst thing anyone said to me after he died was "well at least you weren't married for 50 years!" I guess that was supposed to make me feel better??!! Not! I know some people that were married for 50 years and didn't share half the happiness Pat and I did. The funeral will be hard: another goodbye, but we will all be thinking of you here. You will get through it.
  8. Thank you Andy. Praying for survival and healing for all of us here.
  9. Yes all the additional goodbyes that seem to keep popping up are so painful. The more time that passes, the more it seems he is disappearing. It's a strange feeling. I still feel his presence but at the same time he's farther away. Hard to explain. Everything about this journey is strange. All the changes make me sad. I am "moving forward" with my life in many ways, which I know is a good thing. But with each change I feel like I'm kind of leaving him behind and that makes me so sad. One of the big changes was that I went back to work this week. Started a new job. So many good things about it and I am "glad" to be there. But I just wish Pat was here to share it with. As I had mentioned before, I had started interviewing with them back in December before he died. So it's bittersweet. He used to say that I would get "that big fat job". I really think he was looking out for me through the whole process. This is Just another thing that makes me miss him so much. I loved his support through the tough times and I loved sharing good news with him too. Still hard to believe he's not here.
  10. I often wonder that too. I know they don't want to "see" us in so much pain. But when I'm in a bad way, I feel that Pat is right here with me doing all he can to give me the strength I need to get through the tough times. That's when I sometimes see the little signs that he is "here" looking out for me. I can picture him saying"it's gonna be ok" and reassuring me. That has to be true. Otherwise I don't know how I would get through this. I just wish that deep sense of missing him so much wasn't so overwhelming and sad. Francine, instead of TLL three lonely ladies I say TLL three lovely ladies!!
  11. I'm trying to do that too. I have not felt joy or true happiness for almost 6 months now. But I do try very hard to almost force myself to feel thankful for those little things. I think it just takes practice. The more I can appreciate the small things throughout the day, the less time I will have feeling the sadness. I am noticing a small shift. I still cry every day and I still miss him all the time, but the deep sadness is not there all the time. The joy and happiness are far from being back but there are small glimmers of hope. It really is all about learning to live a new, very different life, without the love of my life. And learning to live again while missing him.
  12. KayC, you'll do fine. Just one day at a time!
  13. KMB, I wish you the best with your daughter at your house. Hoping you find some relief from the loneliness with her there. I'm missing my daughter terribly with her out in LA. We are making plans for her to come home for a couple weeks sometime next month. Yes my house will be a mess with her here but I am looking forward to having her back here. She was here for the holidays and went back only a couple days after Pat died. It's really nice to have the feeling of looking forward to something again. I almost forgot what that felt like.
  14. Francine, KMB, and KayC, Thank you so much for your kind words and your well wishes. I really appreciate it. You are true "virtual" friends!!
  15. It can be tough getting out and doing things on our own. Of course we want our loved one by our side to share these things with. It's just not the same without them. I'm trying hard to push myself but if I'm not ready for something, then I'm not ready and I won't do it. Be good to yourself and don't push too hard. You'll know when your ready to try certain things. Even the things that seem "easy" can be the most difficult. I actually did a "first" tonight. The last time I watched the TV in my living room was the day Pat died. Almost 6 months ago. I have not sat on my couch or turned on that TV in almost 6 months. I just couldn't. But tonight I did. There was an HBO show that we watched together last year that I wanted to catch up on. I don't know what got into me but I found my myself turning on the TV and getting comfortable on the couch. And it wasn't so bad. It's about figuring out what I enjoy and doing it. Of course it was so much better watching that show with Pat but I did actually find myself laughing out loud a couple times. I guess that's progress. Baby steps.
  16. You did it again Francine. I just finished reading your post and I'm having a good cry for myself. Yes life did seem pointless at first but somehow I am learning, slowly but surely, that my life will continue and my future can be good. And I hope I can feel happiness and joy again but that will probably take longer. It won't be the same happiness I felt with Pat but I have to believe I can have some happiness again. Im feeling "excited" for the first time. I finally got the job offer I was waiting for and I go back to work next week. I was interviewing when Pat died so things were on hold for a while. I am so grateful. Grateful that I had all this time off to focus on the grief and healing. And grateful that this job was my first choice. So many good things about it. But it does feel strange to actually feel excited about something. The worst part was not being able to pick up the phone and call Pat about the offer. But I did tell him, just without the use of a phone! I know he was looking out for me. So another new chapter begins. another new adventure. It will be good to get back to a "normal" schedule/ routine and have a new focus. I only wish Pat was here to share this with me but I am grateful that I can share my good news with all of you.
  17. Wow Francine. This really hit me. I felt the same way about Pat. It's amazing how much better I felt when I saw him walk through the door, or when I saw him sitting on the porch waiting for me as I drove up. It reminds me of some favorite lyrics from the Anniversay Song by the Cowbiy Junkies..."have you ever seen a sight more beautiful than a face in a crowd of people that lights up just for you?" I can picture that face, those blue eyes, and that special smile he had when he was truly happy. We were truly happy having each other in our lives. I miss so many things about him every day. Im having a real good cry right now. I guess I needed it!
  18. Just wanted to check in with my "grief club friends". Another Saturday night already?! Im thinking of you all and hoping you are all taking good care of yourselves this weekend and doing something good for yourselves, no matter how small. I went out tonight for a little walk and some dinner with my brother and his 7 year old son. Didn't have the energy but pushed myself to go. I'm glad I did. Sometimes we do have to force ourselves to do things and sometimes that can be a good thing. Peace to you all.
  19. spouse

    I'll take a case please!!
  20. Thanks Andy. I did chuckle! I'm laughing at your wild night but don't worry, I've had just as exciting nights as you but I haven't shared them here. Maybe I will. Then maybe we can all find just a little bit of humor in all this. I'm sure we've all had nights not too different from yours. Look on the bright side - at least you had the "million degrees". It's still so cold here. I was wearing jeans, socks and sneakers, and Pats big warm fleece. I had to go back in the house because I was too cold. I don't think we're ever going to get summer in New England this year! Take care and let us know what decals you decided on!
  21. Oh yes, another Saturday night. I kept myself busy today until about 1:00 then it hit me. The panic of not having Pat here to spend Saturday with. I tried to do the stuff we would normally do on a Saturday afternoon in June. But alone this time. Walked to the local market to get some stuff. Cooked. Saw his leftover beer in the fridge so I drank one. Ate on the patio. First time I've done that. It did not go well. Cried through every bite. I've been doing pretty good at keeping busy but when an empty Saturday comes around it's tough. Missing him so much today.
  22. Yes!! And KayC, I also wanted to tell you how great I think it is that you started a grief group in your area. I have been going to 2. They are so helpful. The sharing among the members there has been so comforting. I know some on this forum are not lucky enough to have those supports groups close by. All the more reason this forum is so needed. You are doing a wonderful thing with your group and your dedication to this site is remarkable. THANK YOU Saint KayC!!
  23. spouse

    I think we should all buy stock in Kleenex. I know I've probably used more in the last 5 months than I have for my whole life!!
  24. So very true KMB. I feel so blessed that Pat chose me to spend the rest of his life with. I also believe that god puts people in our lives for a reason and I must say he did an excellent job bringing Pat and me together! Gods timing was perfect for bringing us together. I will be forever grateful. I think it's the gratitude that's really keeping me going.
  25. Thinking of you Francine. You are always such an inspiration to us all. I hope we can also give you back some of the strength you have given us. It is so hard. It is a monster. I hope today brings you some peace. Prayers and hugs!